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I Went To A Heavy Metal Concert. The Singer Yelled Out, "how Many Of You People Feel Like Human Beings Tonight?" And Then He Said, "how Many Of You Feel Like Animals?" The Thing Is, Everyone Cheered After The Animals Part, But I Cheered After The Human Beings Part Because I Did Not Know There Was A Second Part To The Question.

-Mitch Hedberg

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I Went To A

Mitch Hedberg

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I Went To A Heavy Metal Concert. The Singer Yelled Out, "how Many Of You People Feel Like Human Beings Tonight?" And Then He Said, "how Many Of You Feel Like Animals?" The Thing Is, Everyone Cheered After The Animals Part, But I Cheered After The Human Beings Part Because I Did Not Know There Was A Second Part To The Question.

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When You're In Hollywood And You're A Comedian, Everybody Wants You To Do Other Things. All Right, You're A Stand-up Comedian, Can You Write Us A Script? That's Not Fair. That's Like If I Worked Hard To Become A Cook, And I'm A Really Good Cook, They'd Say, "ok, You're A Cook. Can You Farm?"

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I Had A Stick Of Carefree Gum, But It Didn't Work. I Felt Pretty Good While I Was Blowing That Bubble, But As Soon As The Gum Lost Its Flavor, I Was Back To Pondering My Mortality.

I Want To Get A Vending Machine, With Fun Sized Candy Bars, And The Glass In Front Is A Magnifying Glass. You'll Be Mad, But It Will Be Too Late.

I Got A Business Card Because I Wanna Win Some Lunches. That's What My Business Card Says: Mitch Hedberg, Potential Lunch Winner. Gimme A Call, Maybe We'll Have Lunch. If I'm Lucky!

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Have You Ever Tried Sugar Or Pcp?

I'm Against Picketing, But I Don't Know How To Show It.

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I Ate One Anchovy, And That Is Why I Did Not Eat Two Anchovies.

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I Went To A Tent Store. "what Kind Of Tent Do You Need?" "circus."

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An Escalator Can Never Break: It Can Only Become Stairs.

When We Were On Acid, We Would Go Into The Woods, Because There Was Less Chance That You Would Run Into An Authority Figure. But We Ran Into A Bear. My Friend Duane Was There, Raising His Right Hand, Swearing To Help Prevent Forest Fires. He Told Me, "mitchell, Smokey Is Way More Intense In Person!"

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I Went To A Cigar Store, The Man Behind The Counter Asked Me, "what Kind Of Cigars Do You Like?" I Answered, "it's A Boys."

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I Was Going To Get My Teeth Whitened, But I Said, "i'll Just Get A Tan Instead."

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The Only Way I Could Get My Old Cd Into Stores Is If I Took One In And Leave It. "sir, You Forgot This." "no, I Did Not. That Is For Sale. Please Alphabetize It."

I'm Gonna Fix That Last Joke By Taking Out All The Words And Adding New Ones.

Every Time I Go And Shave, I Assume There's Someone Else On The Planet Shaving. So I Say, 'i'm Gonna Go Shave, Too.'

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I'm A Hard Act To Follow, Because When I'm Done, I Take The Microphone With Me.

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I Got A Hotel Room At New York New York In Las Vegas And I Was Very Happy. They've Got That Rollercoaster Encircling The Entire Premises, Just Like Manhattan.

I Had A Job Interview At An Insurance Company Once, And The Lady Said 'where Do You See Yourself In Five Years?' I Said, 'celebrating The Fifth Year Anniversary Of You Asking Me This Question!'

The Commercial For Diet Dr. Pepper Says It Tastes Just Like Regular Dr. Pepper. Well, Then They Screwed Up!

I Spilled Some Vodka On The Carpet, And I Vacuumed It Up, And The Vacuum Got Drunk. I Had To Take The Hoover To Detox.

I'm Always On The Road, And I Drive Rental Cars. Sometimes I Don't Know What's Going On With The Car, And I'll Drive For Ten Miles With The Emergency Brake On. That Doesn't Say A Lot For Me, But It Doesn't Say A Lot For The Emergency Brake. What Kind Of Emergency Is This? I Need To Not Stop Now. It's Not Really An Emergency Brake, It's An Emergency Make-the-car-smell-funny Lever.

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I Made $3,000 Opening For The Neville Brothers, And They Paid Me In Cash. That Was A Bad Situation, Because I Bought Ridiculous Stuff. I Bought A Snake Bite Emergency Kit. Then I Said To My Friends, "don't Even Worry About Snakes Anymore". My Friend Stepped On A Worm, And I Said, "lay Down!"

A Friend Said To Me, "i Think The Weather Is Trippy." I Said, "no, Man, It's Not The Weather That's Trippy, Perhaps It's The Way We Perceive It." And Then I Realized I Just Should Have Said, "yeah."

I Like Cottage Cheese. That's Why I Want To Try Other Dwelling Cheeses, Too. How About Studio Apartment Cheese? Tent Cheese? Mobile Home Cheese? Do Not Eat Mobile Home Cheese In A Tornado.

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I Don't Have A Girlfriend. But I Do Know A Woman Who'd Be Mad At Me For Saying That.

Imagine If The Headless Horseman Had A Headless Horse. That Would Be Chaos. I Would Think That If You Were The Headless Horseman's Horse, You Would Be Very Confused. "i Don't Think This Dude Can See."

I Recently Took Up Ice Sculpting. Last Night I Made An Ice Cube. This Morning I Made 12, I Was Prolific.

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I Would Like It If Four People Did A Cartwheel All At Once... So I Can Make A Cart.

I Miss The $2 Bill, 'cause I Can Break A Two. $20, No. $10, No. $5, Maybe, $2? Oh Yeah. What Do You Need, A One And Another One?

Advil Has A Candy Coating. It's Delicious. Then It Says On The Bottle, Do Not Have More Than Two. Then Why Do They Have A Candy Coating? I Cannot Help Myself. Let Me Have Ten Advil, I Have A Sweet Tooth.

I Don't Think Stand-up Is Being Appreciated As Much As It Could Be And I Don't Think It Has For A Long Time. There's Some Great Stand-up Comics Who Come To A Town And If They're Not A Name, They Don't Attract A Crowd But In Reality There Are Brilliant People Out There.

I Guess The One-liner Kind Of Comic Sounds Like A Guy Who Can Talk And Talk And Whatever The Subject Is, He Can Pull Out A One-liner, But I Couldn't Do That. I Didn't Like The Association. I Mean, I Love Steven Wright, But So Many People Started Saying "steven Wright" To Me, And I Would Get Mad, Because I Never Wanted To Be Thought Of As Copying Anybody.

That's Always Disappointed Me, To See A Guy In The Crowd Who Doesn't Look Like He's Having Fun But In General If You Just Listen To The Crowd It Sounds Like They're Having Fun. So I Don't Want To Focus On The One Guy Who's Not Having Fun. And By Closing My Eyes And Just Listening, I Can't Hear That He's Not Laughing But I Can See That He's Not Laughing.

People On The 14th Floor, You Know What Floor You’re Really On.

I Saw A Seagull Hanging Out By A Lake, But I Said, "don't Worry, Dude. I Won't Say Anything."

I Would Like To Go Fishing And Catch A Fish Stick. That Would Be Convenient. I Could Easily Get A Job At Mrs. Paul's.

I Went To The Park And Saw This Kid Flying A Kite. The Kid Was Really Excited. I Don't Know Why, That's What They're Supposed To Do. Now If He Had Had A Chair On The Other End Of That String, I Would Have Been Impressed.

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Kittens Play With Yarn, They Bat It Around. What They're Really Doing Is Saying, "i Can't Knit, Get This Away From Me!"

There's A Guy In The Audience With A Distinctive Laugh. I Hope That Guy Is Miked. The Only Problem With Having A Distinctive Laugh Is I Know Exactly When That Guy Isn't Laughing. "oh, Distinctive Laugh Doesn't Think That Joke Was Funny!"

Some Comics Get Drunk Before A Show. I Don't. When I Get Drunk, I Don't Want To Stand In Front Of A Bunch Of People That I Don't Know. That Does Not Sound Comfortable. Why Have All These People Gathered? And Why Am I Elevated And Not Facing The Same Way As Everyone Else? And What Is This Electric Stick In My Hand? I Want A Chair Too!

I Cannot Tell You What Hotel I'm Staying At, But There Are Two Trees Involved.

I Had A Bag Of Fritos, They Were Texas Grilled Fritos. These Fritos Had Grill Marks On Them. They Remind Me Of Summer, When We Used To Fire Up The Barbeque And Throw Down Some Fritos. I Can Still See My Dad With The Apron On. Better Flip That Frito, Dad, You Know How I Like It.

I Bought A Seven-dollar Pen Because I Always Lose Pens And I Got Sick Of Not Caring.

I Play The Guitar. I Taught Myself How To Play The Guitar, Which Was A Bad Decision... Because I Didn't Know How To Play It, So I Was A Shitty Teacher. I Would Never Have Went To Me.

If I Was A Locksmith, I'd Be Pimping That Out Man. I'll Trade You A Free Key Duplication For. That Joke Made Me Laugh Before I Could Finish It, Which Is Good, Because It Had No Ending.

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I Get The Reese's Candy Bar. You Look At That, There's An Apostrophe-s There. That Means The Candy Bar Is His. I Didn't Know That. Next Time You're Eating A Reese's Candy Bar, And A Guy Named Reese Comes By And Says, "gimme That", You Better Hand It Over.

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We Don't Have To Fix Anything.

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If You're A Fish And You Want To Be A Fish-stick, You Have To Have Very Good Posture.

I Don't Have Any Children, But If I Had A Baby, I Would Have To Name It, So I Would Get A Baby-naming Book. Or I Would Invite Somebody Over Who Had A Cast On.

I Want To Be A Rebellious Mcdonald's Owner. Cheeseburgers... Nope... We Got Spaghetti!

I Had A Box Of Ritz Crackers, And On The Back Of The Box, They Had All These Suggestions For What To Put On Top Of The Ritz. Try It With Cheese. Try It With Peanut Butter. Come On, Man, They're Crackers, That's Why I Got Them. I Like Crackers! I Didn't Buy Them Because They're Little Edible Plates!

Imagine If You Were A Drummer, And You Accidentally Picked Up Two Magic Wands Instead Of Sticks. There You Are, Keeping The Beat, The Next Thing You Know, Your Bass Player Turns Into A Can Of Soup.

Sometimes I Get Really Lonely. Especially When I'm Throwing A Frisbee.

When You Put Listerine In Your Mouth, It Hurts. Germs Do Not Go Quietly.

I Was At A Bar, And This Guy Bumped Into Me, And He Did Not Apologize, And He Said, "move!" I Thought That Was Rude, So I Said, "go To Hell!" Then I Started To Run. He Caught Up To Me. He Had A Mustache, A Goatee, A Pair Of Earrings, Sunglasses, A Ponytail And He Was Wearing A Hat. He Said, "hey, You Got A Lot Of Nerve!" I Said, "hey, You Got A Lot Of... Cranium Accessories!"

Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry For The Convenience.

If Carrots Got You Drunk, Rabbits Would Be Messed-up.

I Rented A Car. I Didn't Really Need One, I Just Wanted To Make One Less Available. I Wanted One Businessman On The Bus With No Car.

Then Let's Print Up Some Flyers!

So, I Sit At The Hotel At Night And I Think Of Something That's Funny. Or, If The Pen Is Too Far Away, I Have To Convince Myself That What I Thought Of Wasn't Funny.

I Got A King-sized Bed. I Don't Know Any Kings, But If One Came Over, I Guess He'd Be Comfortable.

Every Picture Of You Is When You Were Younger.

I Hate Turkeys. If You Stand In The Meat Section At The Grocery Store Long Enough, You Start To Get Mad At Turkeys. There's Turkey Ham, Turkey Bologna, Turkey Pastrami. Some One Needs To Tell The Turkey, 'man, Just Be Yourself.'

I Like Rice. Rice Is Great If You're Hungry And Want 2000 Of Something Picketing, But I Don't Know How To Show It.

I Like Refried Beans. That's Why I Wanna Try Fried Beans, Because Maybe They're Just As Good And We're Just Wasting Time. You Don't Have To Fry Them Again After All.

I Once Saw A Forklift Lift A Crate Of Forks. And It Was Way To Literal For Me.

I'm An Ice Sculptor. Last Night I Made A Cube.

I Saw On Hbo They Were Advertising A Boxing Match "it's A Fight To The Finish". That's A Good Place To End.

I Want To Be A Race Car Passenger: Just A Guy Who Bugs The Driver. Say Man, Can I Turn On The Radio? You Should Slow Down. Why Do We Gotta Keep Going In Circles? Can I Put My Feet Out The Window? Man, You Really Like Tide.

Well, That's A 'fresher'. I'm Going On Break.

A Fly Was Very Close To Being Called A Land, Because That's What It Does Half The Time.

Every Mcdonald's Commercial Ends The Same Way: Prices And Participation May Vary. I Wanna Open A Mcdonald's And Not Participate In Anything. I Wanna Be A Stubborn Mcdonald's Owner. "cheeseburgers?" "nope! We Got Spaghetti, And Blankets."

Look At The Limes In This Drink, How They Float. That's Good News. Next Time I'm On A Boat, And It Capsizes, I Will Reach For A Lime. I'm Saved By The Buoyancy Of Citrus.

A Severed Foot Is The Ultimate Stocking Stuffer.

I'm Into Carpooling, Because Sometimes My Car Gets Hot And Needs To Refresh Itself.

You Know When You See An Advertisement For A Casino, And They Have A Picture Of A Guy Winning Money? That's False Advertising, Because That Happens The Least. That's Like If You're Advertising A Hamburger, They Could Show A Guy Choking. "this Is What Happened Once."

I Had An Apartment And I Had A Neighbor, And Whenever He Would Knock On My Wall I Knew He Wanted Me To Turn My Music Down And That Made Me Angry 'cause I Like Loud Music... So When He Knocked On The Wall, I'd Mess With His Head. I'd Say Go Around I Cannot Open The Wall I Dunno If You Have A Door On Your Side But Over Here There's Nothin'. It's Just Flat.

When You Open The Elevator On The Top Floor Of A Building And The Other Guy Doesn't Get Out, Something Is Seriously Wrong.

When You're Doing A Show On Stage, And They Show You A Red Light, That Means You Have 5 Minutes Left. At Some Clubs, They Hold A Candle Up In The Back. That's The Worst Method. You're Up Here, And Then You See A Floating Candle. "oh, No! This Place Is Haunted!" I Can't Be Funny When I'm Frightened.

I Have A Roommate, And I Signed A Year Lease. I Screwed Up! That's Like I Wrote A Joke That Didn't Work, But Now I Have To Tell It For A Year.

I Played Golf... I Did Not Get A Hole In One, But I Did Hit A Guy. That's Way More Satisfying.

If Spiderman Was Real, And I Was A Criminal, And He Shot Me With His Web, I Would Say, "dude, Thanks For The Hammock."

My Girlfriend Works At Hooters. In The Kitchen.

If You Are Flammable And Have Legs, You Are Not Blocking A Fire Exit.

I Had The Cab Driver Drive Me Here Backwards, And The Dude Owed Me $27.50.

I Wear A Necklace, Cause I Wanna Know When I'm Upside Down.

I Have A Cheese-shredder At Home, Which Is Its Positive Name. They Don't Call It By Its Negative Name, Which Is Sponge-ruiner. Because I Wanted To Clean It, But Now I Have Little Bits Of Sponge That Would Melt Easily Over Tortilla Chips.

You Know Crazy Straws - They Go All Over The Place? These Straws Are Sane. They Never Lost Their Mind. They Say, "we're Going Straight To The Mouth. That Guy Who Takes A While To Get There? He's Crazy."

I Want To Get Non-aerosol Mace, You Just Rub It In. "dude Who Is Attacking Me - Come A Little Closer!"

You Know When You Go Into A Restaurant, And It Gets Busy And They Start A Waiting List, And They Start Calling Out Names, "dufresnes, Party Of Two." They Say Again, "dufresnes, Party Of Two." But Then If No One Answers, They'll Just Go To The Next Name, "bush, Party Of Three." Yeah, But What Happened To The Dufresnes? No One Seems To Care. Who Can Eat At A Time Like This? People Are Missing! And They're Hungry! That's A Double Whammy! "bush, Search Party Of Three!" You Can Eat Once You Find The Dufresnes!

Tony The Tiger Usually Thinks That Stuff Is Great.

I Don't Get The Regular Aids Test Anymore. I Get The Roundabout Aids Test. I Ask My Friend Brian, "do You Know Anybody Who Has Aids?". He Says, "no". I Say, "cool, Because You Know Me."

Has Anyone Seen Me On Letterman? Two Million People Watch That Show And I Don't Know Where They Are. You Might Have Seen This Next Comedian On The Late Show, But I Think More People Have Seen Me At The Store. That Should Be My Introduction. "you Might Have Seen This Next Comedian At The Store," And People Would Say "hell Yes I Have!"

I Never Joined The Army Because At Ease Was Never That Easy To Me. Seemed Rather Uptight Still. I Don't Relax By Parting My Legs Slightly And Putting My Hands Behind My Back. That Does Not Equal Ease. At Ease Was Not Being In The Military. I Am At Ease, Bro, Because I Am Not In The Military.

Bologna Is A Deli Meat For People With Eyes.

I Don't Like Grouper Fish. Well, They're Okay. They Hang Around Star Fish. Because They're Grouper Fish.

I Had My Palm Read. I Wrote Something On It First To See If She Would Read That Too.

People Associate Long Hair With Drug Use. I Wish People Associated Long Hair With Something Other Than Drug Use, Like An Extreme Longing For Cake. And Then Strangers Would See A Long Haired Guy And Say, "that Guy Eats Cake!" "he Is On Bundt Cake!" Mothers Saying To Their Daughters, "don't Bring The Cake Eater Over Here Anymore. He Smells Like Flour. Did You See How Excited He Got When He Found Out Your Birthday Was Fast Approaching?"

This One Commercial Said, "forget Everything You Know About Slipcovers." So I Did, And It Was A Load Off Of My Mind. Then The Commercial Tried To Sell Slipcovers, But I Didn't Know What They Were!

Forget Everything

I Have A Sharpie. I Love Sharpies. You Know What They Say On Them? Not For Letter Writing. That Sucks. Now I Have To Communicate With My Dad Using Numbers.

Well, I Was Lost But Now I Live Here! I Have Severely Improved My Predicament!

I Got Some Tartar-control Toothpaste A While Back. I've Still Got Tartar, But It's Under Control.

A Dog Came To My Door, So I Gave Him A Bone, The Dog Took The Bone Into The Back Yard And Buried It. I'm Going To Go Plant A Tree There, With Bones On It, Then The Dog Will Come Back And Say, "shoot! It Worked! I Must Distribute These Bones Equally For I Have A Green Paw!"

I Bought A House, It's A Two Bedroom House, But I Think It's Up To Me To Decide How Many Bedrooms There Are. This Bedroom Has An Oven In It. This Bedroom Has A Lot Of People Sitting Around Watching Tv. This Bedroom Is Over In That Other Guy's House.

I Used To Do Drugs. I Still Do Drugs. But I Used To, Too.

They Could Take Sesame Seeds Off The Market And I Wouldn't Even Care. I Can't Imagine 5 Years From Now Saying, "remember Sesame Seeds? What Happened? All The Buns Are Blank!"

Earlier I`ve Done Hatever I Could Get My Hands On To Do For A Living. I Tried A Couple Of Different Things, But Kitchen Work Was The Best For Me, Because I Took To A Nomadic Lifestyle Before I Started Doing Comedy. If You Travel And Get To A Town And Need A Job, Restaurants Are Always There.

You Know They Call Corn-on-the-cob, "corn-on-the-cob", But That's How It Comes Out Of The Ground. They Should Just Call It Corn, And Every Other Type Of Corn, Corn-off-the-cob. It's Not Like If Someone Cut Off My Arm They Would Call It "mitch", But Then Re-attached It, And Call It "mitch-all-together".

If You're Watching A Parade, Don't Follow It. It Never Changes. If The Parade Is Boring, Run In The Opposite Direction. You Will Fast-forward The Parade.

I Think We Should Only Get 3 Honks A Month On The Car Horn. Then, Someone Cuts You Off, You Press The Horn, And Nothing Happens. You're Like, "crap! I Wish I Hadn't Seen Ricky On The Sidewalk!"

Mitch”, But Then Reattach It And Call It “mitch-all-together.

One Time I Was Forced To Go To The Doctors Because Of A Sports Accident. Herpes.

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