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Onions Make Me Sad, A Lot Of People Don't Realize That. When I'm Cutting Onions, I'm Sad. Because The Plight Of Onions, It's Sad. But People Don't Realize I'm Actually Crying - They Think I'm Just Reacting.

-Mitch Hedberg

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Onions Make Me Sad,

Mitch Hedberg

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Onions Make Me Sad, A Lot Of People Don't Realize That. When I'm Cutting Onions, I'm Sad. Because The Plight Of Onions, It's Sad. But People Don't Realize I'm Actually Crying - They Think I'm Just Reacting.

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Every Time I Go And Shave, I Assume There's Someone Else On The Planet Shaving. So I Say, 'i'm Gonna Go Shave, Too.'

I Wrote My Friend A Letter Using A Highlighting Pen. But He Could Not Read It, He Thought I Was Trying To Show Him Certain Parts Of A Piece Of Paper.

That's Always Disappointed Me, To See A Guy In The Crowd Who Doesn't Look Like He's Having Fun But In General If You Just Listen To The Crowd It Sounds Like They're Having Fun. So I Don't Want To Focus On The One Guy Who's Not Having Fun. And By Closing My Eyes And Just Listening, I Can't Hear That He's Not Laughing But I Can See That He's Not Laughing.

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My Sister Wendy Has A Husband And Two Children, And They Have A Family Photo On Top Of The Vcr, Where They're All Looking Slightly To The Left. As Though Something Is Going On Over There! I Guess Something Happened Over To The Left That Made Everybody Happy! Except My Sister Is Cross-eyed, So She Can't Quite Pull It Off. One Eye Is Right-on.

I Made $3,000 Opening For The Neville Brothers, And They Paid Me In Cash. That Was A Bad Situation, Because I Bought Ridiculous Stuff. I Bought A Snake Bite Emergency Kit. Then I Said To My Friends, "don't Even Worry About Snakes Anymore". My Friend Stepped On A Worm, And I Said, "lay Down!"

I Read That Mtv's Real World Got 40,000 Applications. That's Amazing, Such An Even Number. You Would Have Thought It Would Be 40,008.

On A Traffic Light Green Means 'go' And Yellow Means 'yield', But On A Banana It's Just The Opposite. Green Means 'hold On,' Yellow Means 'go Ahead,' And Red Means, 'where The Hell Did You Get That Banana At?'

I Have Some Speakers Up Here, Thank God, Because Last Night I Didn't Have Them And I Was Telling Jokes And I Had No Idea Which Joke I Was Telling. So I Told Jokes Twice. I Even Told That One Twice.

If You Want To Talk To Me After The Show, I'd Be Surprised.

I Met This Girl, She Was An Actress, And She Gave Me Her Number. It Started With 555.

I Went To A Cigar Store, The Man Behind The Counter Asked Me, "what Kind Of Cigars Do You Like?" I Answered, "it's A Boys."

I Like Rice. Rice Is Great If You're Hungry And Want 2000 Of Something Picketing, But I Don't Know How To Show It.

I Was Going To Stay Overnight At My Friend's House - He Said, "you'll Have To Sleep On The Floor." Damn Gravity! You Don't Know How Bad I Wanted To Sleep On The Wall.

When You're Doing A Show On Stage, And They Show You A Red Light, That Means You Have 5 Minutes Left. At Some Clubs, They Hold A Candle Up In The Back. That's The Worst Method. You're Up Here, And Then You See A Floating Candle. "oh, No! This Place Is Haunted!" I Can't Be Funny When I'm Frightened.

I Don't Think Stand-up Is Being Appreciated As Much As It Could Be And I Don't Think It Has For A Long Time. There's Some Great Stand-up Comics Who Come To A Town And If They're Not A Name, They Don't Attract A Crowd But In Reality There Are Brilliant People Out There.

I'm Into Carpooling, Because Sometimes My Car Gets Hot And Needs To Refresh Itself.

If I Was A Locksmith, I'd Be Pimping That Out Man. I'll Trade You A Free Key Duplication For. That Joke Made Me Laugh Before I Could Finish It, Which Is Good, Because It Had No Ending.

If 13 Is Unlucky, Then 12 And 14 Are Guilty By Association.

Here's A Thought For Sweat Shop Owners: Air Conditioning. Problem Solved.

Rice Is Great If You're Really Hungry And Want To Eat Two Thousand Of Something.

I Have An Underwater Camera Just In Case I Crash My Car Into A River, And At The Last Minute I See A Photo Opportunity Of A Fish That I Have Never Seen.

Pepperidge Farm Bread. That's Fancy Bread. You Can Tell It's Fancy Because It's Wrapped Twice. You Open It, And It Still Isn't Open. That's Why I Don't Buy It. I Don't Need Another Step Between Me And Toast.

I Don't Get The Regular Aids Test Anymore. I Get The Roundabout Aids Test. I Ask My Friend Brian, "do You Know Anybody Who Has Aids?". He Says, "no". I Say, "cool, Because You Know Me."

A Dog Came To My Door, So I Gave Him A Bone, The Dog Took The Bone Into The Back Yard And Buried It. I'm Going To Go Plant A Tree There, With Bones On It, Then The Dog Will Come Back And Say, "shoot! It Worked! I Must Distribute These Bones Equally For I Have A Green Paw!"

I Like Vending Machines, Because Snacks Are Better When They Fall.

I Want To Get A Vending Machine, With Fun Sized Candy Bars, And The Glass In Front Is A Magnifying Glass. You'll Be Mad, But It Will Be Too Late.

Alcoholism Is The Only Disease That You Can Get Yelled At For Having.

Last Time I Called Shotgun We Had Rented A Limo, So I Messed Up!

Is A Hippopotamus A Hippopotamus Or Just A Really Cool Opotamus?

Onions Make Me Sad, A Lot Of People Don't Realize That. When I'm Cutting Onions, I'm Sad. Because The Plight Of Onions, It's Sad. But People Don't Realize I'm Actually Crying - They Think I'm Just Reacting.

I Was On A Bus Once, It Was In The Middle Of The Night, And I Had A Box Of Crackers And A Can Of Easy Cheese. It Was Dark, And It Was A Surprise How Much Cheese I Had Applied On Each Cracker. That's Why They Should Have A Glow-in-the-dark Version Of Easy Cheese. It's Not Like The Product Has Any Integrity To Begin With. If You Buy A Room-temperature Cheese That You Squeeze Out Of A Can, You Probably Won't Get Mad Because It Glows In The Dark Too.

A Sleeping Bag Is A Tortilla For A Human.

I`ve Not Really Been Angling To Be A Comedian. I Knew Comics And I Loved Them And I Loved Being Funny, But I Didn't Understand The Whole Concept Of Becoming One. My First Couple Of Times On Stage, I Was Like, "this Is What I'm Doing For Sure." I Was So Excited.

Spaghetti... I Can't Eat Spaghetti, There's Too Many Of Them. No Matter How Hungry I Am, 1,000 Of Something Is Too Many. I'll Have 1,000 Pieces Of Noodles.

Some Comics Get Drunk Before A Show. I Don't. When I Get Drunk, I Don't Want To Stand In Front Of A Bunch Of People That I Don't Know. That Does Not Sound Comfortable. Why Have All These People Gathered? And Why Am I Elevated And Not Facing The Same Way As Everyone Else? And What Is This Electric Stick In My Hand? I Want A Chair Too!

I Got Some Tartar Control Toothpaste. I Still Have Tartar, But That Stuff's Under Control. I Got So Much Tartar, I Don't Have To Dip My Fish Sticks In Anything. That's Actually Kind Of Gross. After That Joke, I Have To Clarify That I'm Just Joking.

I Like It When You Buy Something And Pay With A Credit Card, They Put Your Credit Card On The Receipt, But Only The Last Four Numbers. Aha! I'm Really Good At Guessing Twelve Numbers. I Can't Guess 16 Numbers, So Thanks For The Assistance!

I Got A Smoke Alarm At Home, But Really It's More Like A 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.

I Had A Chicken Finger That Was So Big, It Was A Chicken Hand.

You Know When You Go Into A Restaurant, And It Gets Busy And They Start A Waiting List, And They Start Calling Out Names, "dufresnes, Party Of Two." They Say Again, "dufresnes, Party Of Two." But Then If No One Answers, They'll Just Go To The Next Name, "bush, Party Of Three." Yeah, But What Happened To The Dufresnes? No One Seems To Care. Who Can Eat At A Time Like This? People Are Missing! And They're Hungry! That's A Double Whammy! "bush, Search Party Of Three!" You Can Eat Once You Find The Dufresnes!

I'm Not Into Sports. I Mean...i Like Gatorade, But That's As Far As It Goes.

I Don't Know How To Fix A Car. If The Car Breaks Down, And The Gas Tank Does Not Say "e", I'm Screwed. But If The Gas Tank Says "e", I Get All Cocky - "i've Got This One, Don't Worry." So I Get Out The Toolbox Aka Wallet.

People Who Smoke Cigarettes, They Say "you Don't Know How Hard It Is To Quit Smoking." Yes I Do. It's As Hard As It Is To Start Flossing.

Then Let's Print Up Some Flyers!

I Would Imagine That If You Could Understand Morse Code, A Tap Dancer Would Drive You Crazy.

I Never Joined The Army Because At Ease Was Never That Easy To Me. Seemed Rather Uptight Still. I Don't Relax By Parting My Legs Slightly And Putting My Hands Behind My Back. That Does Not Equal Ease. At Ease Was Not Being In The Military. I Am At Ease, Bro, Because I Am Not In The Military.

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If A Drink Was Ice Cold, It Would Be Impossible To Drink. Because It Would Be Solid. Here's A Drink, Mitch - It's Ice Cold. I Guess I Could Lick It.

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I Hate Sandwiches At New York Delis. Too Much Meat On The Sandwich. It's Like A Cow With A Cracker On Either Side. "would You Like Anything Else With The Pastrami Sandwich?" "yeah, A Loaf Of Bread And Some Other People!"

You Got To Always Take Advantage Of Getting Your Room Cleaned. You May Think It's Nice Not To Have Anybody In Your Room, Like Your Privacy's Not Being Invaded. But There's Nothing Like Walking Back Into A Clean Room. You've Got To Remember That.

I Like To Wear A "do Not Disturb" Sign Around My Neck So That Little Kids Can't Tell Me Knock-knock Jokes. "hey, How Ya Doin'? Knock-knock." "read The Sign, Punk!"

I Hate Turkeys. If You Stand In The Meat Section At The Grocery Store Long Enough, You Start To Get Mad At Turkeys. There's Turkey Ham, Turkey Bologna, Turkey Pastrami. Some One Needs To Tell The Turkey, 'man, Just Be Yourself.'

I Love My Fed-ex Guy Cause He's A Drug Dealer And He Don't Even Know It...and He's Always On Time.

I Don't Want To Have My Face On The Cover Of A Wheaties Box. I Wanna Have My Face On The Cover Of A Rice Krispies Box. "snap, Krackle, Mitch And Pop"!

I Saw Soda Pop For $1.20 A Six Pack. That Price Messes With Your Head. You Start Thinking You're Gonna Sell Soda Pop. Suddenly I've Got Packs Of Pop With Me. "looking To Buy Some Pop? 50 Cents A Can. It's Not Refrigerated Because This Is A Half-assed Commitment!"

I've Never Been To A Hotel With A Rotating Restaurant On Top, But One Time I Took My Girlfriend To A Merry-go-round, And I Gave Her A Burrito.

I Had My Palm Read. I Wrote Something On It First To See If She Would Read That Too.

Because Of Acid, I Now Know That Butter Is Way Better Than Margarine.

If Carrots Got You Drunk, Rabbits Would Be Messed-up.

I Walked By A Dry Cleaner At 3 Am, And There Was A Sign: "sorry, We're Closed" You Don't Have To Be Sorry, It's 3 Am, And You're A Dry Cleaner! It Would Be Ridiculous For Me To Expect You To Be Open! I'm Not Gonna Walk In At 10 Am And Say "i Walked By Here At 3 And You Were Closed - Somebody Owes Me An Apology!"

If You Have To Release Bad News To The Public, It Would Help If You Are Not Ugly.

Dogs Are Forever In The Push Up Postion.

People Teach Their Dogs To Sit; It's A Trick. I've Been Sitting My Whole Life, And A Dog Has Never Looked At Me As Though He Thought I Was Tricky.

I Went To A Heavy Metal Concert. The Singer Yelled Out, "how Many Of You People Feel Like Human Beings Tonight?" And Then He Said, "how Many Of You Feel Like Animals?" The Thing Is, Everyone Cheered After The Animals Part, But I Cheered After The Human Beings Part Because I Did Not Know There Was A Second Part To The Question.

I Want To Be A Rebellious Mcdonald's Owner. Cheeseburgers... Nope... We Got Spaghetti!

I Don't Have A Girlfriend. I Just Know A Girl Who Would Get Really Mad If She Heard Me Say That.

The Next Time I Move I Hope I Get A Real Easy Phone Number, Something Like 2222222. People Will Ask, "mitch, How Do I Get A Hold Of You?" I'll Say, "just Press Two For A While, When I Answer, You'll Know That You've Pressed Two Enough."

I Used To Be A Hot-tar Roofer. Yeah, I Remember That... Day.

If My Kid Couldn't Draw I'd Make Sure That My Kitchen Magnets Didn't Work.

I Like Wearing Necklaces, Because It Lets Me Know When I'm Upside Down.

I Can't Wait To Get Off The Stage, Because I've Got Some Lifesavers In My Pocket And Pineapple Is Next!

My Manager Said, "don't Use Liquor As A Crutch!" I Can't Use Liquor As A Crutch, Because A Crutch Helps Me Walk.

As A Comedian, You Have To Start The Show Strong And You Have To End The Show Strong. Those Are The Two Key Elements. You Can't Be Like Pancakes. You're All Happy At First, But Then By The End, You're Sick Of 'em.

I Want To Be A Race Car Passenger: Just A Guy Who Bugs The Driver. Say Man, Can I Turn On The Radio? You Should Slow Down. Why Do We Gotta Keep Going In Circles? Can I Put My Feet Out The Window? Man, You Really Like Tide.

Why Is Cloud 9 So Amazing? What Is Wrong With Cloud 8?

My Belt Holds My Pants Up, But The Belt Loops Hold My Belt Up. I Don't Really Know What's Happening Down There. Who Is The Real Hero?

I Went To England To Tell Jokes, And I Wanted To Tell My Smokey The Bear Joke, But I Had To Ask The English People If They Knew Who Smokey The Bear Is. But They Don't. In England, Smokey The Bear Is Not The Forest-fire-prevention Representative. They Have Smackie The Frog. It's A Lot Like A Bear, But It's A Frog. And That's A Better System, I Think We Should Adopt It. Because Bears Can Be Mean, But Frogs Are Always Cool. Never Has There Been A Frog Hopping Toward Me And I Thought, "man, I Better Play Dead!"

I Recently Took Up Ice Sculpting. Last Night I Made An Ice Cube. This Morning I Made 12, I Was Prolific.

How Does A Sesame Seed Stick To A Bun? That's Magical. There Must Be Some Sesame Seed Glue Out There. Either That Or They're Adhesive On One Side. Peel Off The Backing, Place It On The Bun.

A Lot Of Bands Have Intense Names, Like "rigor Mortis" Or "mortuary". We Weren't That Intense, We Called Ourselves "injured". Later On We Changed It To "acapella" When We Were Walking Out Of The Pawn Shop.

Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry For The Convenience.

Why Is Cloud 9 So Amazing? What Is Wrong With Cloud 8? That Joke Came Off The Top Of My Head, And The Top Of My Head Ain't Funny!

I Have An Oscillating Fan At My House. It Goes Back And Forth. It Looks Like The Fan Is Saying "no." So I Like To Ask It Questions That A Fan Would Say "no" To! Do You Keep My Hair In Place? Do You Keep My Documents In Order? Do You Have 3 Settings? Liar! My Fan Lied To Me. Now I Will Pull The Pin Up. Now You're Not Saying Anything!

My Fake Plants Died Because I Did Not Pretend To Water Them.

I Guess The One-liner Kind Of Comic Sounds Like A Guy Who Can Talk And Talk And Whatever The Subject Is, He Can Pull Out A One-liner, But I Couldn't Do That. I Didn't Like The Association. I Mean, I Love Steven Wright, But So Many People Started Saying "steven Wright" To Me, And I Would Get Mad, Because I Never Wanted To Be Thought Of As Copying Anybody.

Chicago Is Known As The Windy City, And Montana Is Called The Big Sky State, So I Think That We Should Somehow Combine The Two To Create The Ultimate Kite-flying Experience.

I Like Kit-kat, Unless I'm With Four Or More People.

I Had The Cab Driver Drive Me Here Backwards, And The Dude Owed Me $27.50.

Tony The Tiger Usually Thinks That Stuff Is Great.

It's Hard To Fight When You're In A Gazebo.

I Wanna Hang A Map Of The World In My House. Then I'm Gonna Put Pins Into All The Locations That I've Traveled To. But First, I'm Gonna Have To Travel To The Top Two Corners Of The Map So It Won't Fall Down.

I Went To The Home Depot, Which Was Unnecessary. I Need To Go To The Apartment Depot. Which Is Just A Big Warehouse With A Whole Lot Of People Standing Around Saying "we Don't Have To Fix Anything."

I Like To Hold The Microphone Cord Like This, I Pinch It Together, Then I Let It Go, Then You Hear A Whole Bunch Of Jokes At Once.

I Have A Cheese-shredder At Home, Which Is Its Positive Name. They Don't Call It By Its Negative Name, Which Is Sponge-ruiner. Because I Wanted To Clean It, But Now I Have Little Bits Of Sponge That Would Melt Easily Over Tortilla Chips.

I Like Those Blow-up Beds. "this Becomes A Full Size Bed In Three Minutes!" Well, A Mattress Kicks Your Ass. Zero Seconds. "yeah, But You Can Store This Thing." You Can Store A Bed, Too - In The Bedroom.

I Saw A Lady On Tv, She Was Born Without Arms. That's Sad, But Then They Said, "lola Does Not Know The Meaning Of The Word 'can't'." That, To Me, Is Even Worse In A Way. Not Only Is She Missing Arms, But She Doesn't Understand Simple Contractions. It's Easy, Lola - You Just Take Two Words, Put Them Together, Take Out The Middle Letters, Put In A Comma, And You Raise It Up!

I Wrote A Letter To My Dad - I Wrote, "i Really Enjoy Being Here," But I Accidentally Wrote Rarely Instead Of Really. But I Still Wanted To Use It, So I Wrote, "i Rarely Drive Steamboats, Dad - There's A Lot Of Stuff You Don't Know About Me. Quit Trying To Act Like I'm A Steamboat Operator." This Letter Took A Harsh Turn Right Away.

When You Open The Elevator On The Top Floor Of A Building And The Other Guy Doesn't Get Out, Something Is Seriously Wrong.

I Was Going To Get My Teeth Whitened, But I Said, "i'll Just Get A Tan Instead."

I Hate Arrows. They Try To Tell Me Which Direction To Go. It's Like "i Ain't Going That Way, Line With Two Thirds Of A Triangle On The End!"

I Was In A Convenience Store, Reading A Magazine. The Clerk Told Me, "this Is Not A Library!" "ok! I Will Talk Louder, Then!"

I'm Sick Of Soup Of The Day, Man. It's Time We Make A Decision. I Need To Know What Soup From Now On Is.

I Wish They Made Fajita Cologne, Because That Stuff Smells Good. What's That You're Wearing? That's Sizzlin'!

I Think Animal Crackers Make People Think That All Animals Taste The Same.

I Ate One Anchovy, And That Is Why I Did Not Eat Two Anchovies.

I Play The Guitar. I Taught Myself How To Play The Guitar, Which Was A Bad Decision... Because I Didn't Know How To Play It, So I Was A Shitty Teacher. I Would Never Have Went To Me.

Sometimes I Wake Up And I Think I Should Start Wearing A Beret, But I Don't Do It. One Day I'm Gonna, Though. You Bet Your Ass, I Will Have A Beret On. That's Ridiculous, But It's True. I Always Fight With Wearing A Beret.

My Apartment Is Infested With Koala Bears. It's The Cutest Infestation Ever. Way Better Than Cockroaches. When I Turn On The Light A Bunch Of Koala Bears Scatter. But I Don't Want 'em To, You Know, I'm Like "hey, Hold On, Fellas. Let Me Hold One Of You. And Feed You A Leaf."

I Hate Flossing, I Wish I Just Had One Long Curvy Tooth. They Didn't Have To Make Separations For Me.

I Got A King-sized Bed. I Don't Know Any Kings, But If One Came Over, I Guess He'd Be Comfortable.

People Ask Me For My Autograph After A Show. I'm Not Famous, I Think They're Messing With Me. I Think They're Trying To Make Me Late For Something.

If Spiderman Was Real, And I Was A Criminal, And He Shot Me With His Web, I Would Say, "dude, Thanks For The Hammock."

Hell, Yeah! Meeting Adjourned!

There Was A Product On Late Night Tv That You Could Attach To Your Garden Hose - "you Can Water Your Hard-to-reach Plants With This." Who Would Make Their Plants Hard To Reach? That Seems So Very Mean. I Know You Need Water, But I'm Going To Make You Hard To Reach. "think Like A Cactus!"

I Got Two Stools, In Case I Want To Sit Down And Sit Down Again On Something Else.

I Like Cinnamon Rolls, But I Don't Always Have Time To Make A Pan. That's Why I Wish They Would Sell Cinnamon Roll Incense. After All I'd Rather Light A Stick And Have My Roommate Wake Up With False Hopes.

I Had A Job Interview At An Insurance Company Once, And The Lady Said 'where Do You See Yourself In Five Years?' I Said, 'celebrating The Fifth Year Anniversary Of You Asking Me This Question!'

I Put Fruit On Top Of My Waffles, Because I Want Something To Brush Off.

I Got A Hotel Room At New York New York In Las Vegas And I Was Very Happy. They've Got That Rollercoaster Encircling The Entire Premises, Just Like Manhattan.

I’d Like To See A Forklift Lift A Crate Of Forks. It’d Be So Damn Literal! You Are Using That Machine To It’s Exact Purpose!

I'm Against Picketing, But I Don't Know How To Show It.

P.s. - This Is What Part Of The Alphabet Would Look Like If Q And R Were Eliminated.

If You Drink O'douls, You Don't Drink; But If You Drink 20 O'douls In A Half Hour, Then You're A Non-alcoholic.

When It Comes To Racism, You Hear People Say, "i Don't Care If People Are White, Black, Purple Or Green." Hold On, Now, Purple Or Green? Come On Now, You Gotta Draw The Line Somewhere.

My Friend Asked Me If I Wanted A Frozen Banana. I Said 'no, But I Want A Regular Banana Later, So... Yeah.'

A Friend Said To Me, "i Think The Weather Is Trippy." I Said, "no, Man, It's Not The Weather That's Trippy, Perhaps It's The Way We Perceive It." And Then I Realized I Just Should Have Said, "yeah."

Well, I Was Lost But Now I Live Here! I Have Severely Improved My Predicament!

I Would Like To Go Fishing And Catch A Fish Stick. That Would Be Convenient. I Could Easily Get A Job At Mrs. Paul's.

I Know A Lot About Cars, Man. I Can Look At Any Car's Headlights And Tell You Exactly Which Way It's Coming.

I Wanted To Get A Tape Recorder, But I Got A Parrot Instead. I Think I Did That Joke Backwards.

If I Had A Dollar For Every Time I Said That, I'd Be Making Money In A Very Weird Way.

I Had A Velcro Wallet In A Casino. That Sound Annoyed The Hell Out Of Me. Whenever I Lost Money, And I Opened The Wallet, It Was Like The Sound Of My Addiction.

I Haven't Slept For Ten Days, Because That Would Be Too Long.

I Was Booked Into The Riviera Hotel In Las Vegas With Three Other Comedians. We All Were Using The Riviera In-house Shampoo, So We All Had Equal Shine And Bounce.

I Played In A Death-metal Band. People Either Loved Us Or Hated Us. Or They Thought We Were Ok.

I Didn't Go To College, But If I Did, I Would've Taken All My Tests At A Restaurant, 'cause 'the Customer Is Always Right'.

I Wanted To Buy A Candle Holder, But The Store Didn't Have One. So I Got A Cake.

Say, I Was On The Craig Kilbourne Show And The Next Day I Flew To Minneapolis. I Was At The Airport And A Guy Came Up. He Said, 'dude, I Saw You On Tv Last Night.' But He Did Not Say Whether Or Not He Thought I Was Good, He Just Confirmed That I Was On Television. So I Turned My Head Away From Him For About A Minute, Then I Turned It Back. I Said, 'dude, I Saw You At The Airport About A Minute Ago. And You Were Good.'

Y'know, You Can't Please All The People All The Time... And Last Night, All Those People Were At My Show.

Xylophone Is Spelled With An X. That's Wrong. It Should Be A Z Up Front. Next Time You Spell Xylophone, Use A Z. If Someone Says, "that's Wrong!", You Say, "no, It Ain't." If You Think That's Wrong, Then You Need To Have Your Head Z-rayed.

I Like Baked Potatoes. I Don't Have A Microwave Oven, And It Takes Forever To Bake A Potato In A Conventional Oven. Sometimes I'll Just Throw One In There, Even If I Don't Want One, Because By The Time It's Done, Who Knows?

Every Time I Walk By A Spy Shop, I Think That I Need To Put Some Surveillance On Somebody. Rick's Been Acting Fishy! I Need To Buy A Safe That Looks Like A Spray 'n Wash Can. "hey, Mitch, Can I Use The Spray 'n Wash?" "yeah, If You Want To Spray Your Shirt With Documents!"

I Went To The Store And Bought Eight Apples; The Clerk Said, "do You Want These In A Bag?" I Said, "oh, No, Man, I Juggle."

The Kit Kat Candy Bar Has The Name Kit Kat Imprinted Into The Chocolate. That Robs You Of Chocolate! That's A Clever Chocolate-saving Technique.

I Tried To Freshen Up A Room, So I Held A Certs In Front Of A Fan.

I Think Bigfoot Is Blurry, That's The Problem. It's Not The Photographer's Fault. Bigfoot Is Blurry, And That's Extra Scary To Me. There's A Large, Out-of-focus Monster Roaming The Countryside. Run, He's Fuzzy, Get Out Of Here.

Swiss Cheese Is The Only Cheese You Can Draw And People Can Identify. You Can Draw American Cheese, But Someone Will Think It's Cheddar. It's The Only Cheese You Can Bite And Miss. "hey Mitch - Does That Sandwich Have Cheese On It?" "every Now And Then!"

When You're In Hollywood And You're A Comedian, Everybody Wants You To Do Other Things. All Right, You're A Stand-up Comedian, Can You Write Us A Script? That's Not Fair. That's Like If I Worked Hard To Become A Cook, And I'm A Really Good Cook, They'd Say, "ok, You're A Cook. Can You Farm?"

Imagine If The Headless Horseman Had A Headless Horse. That Would Be Chaos. I Would Think That If You Were The Headless Horseman's Horse, You Would Be Very Confused. "i Don't Think This Dude Can See."

I Tried To Walk Into Target, But I Missed. I Think The Entrance To Target Should Have People Splattered All Around.

I Had To Take A Physical To Do This Show. They Had A Lot Of Weird Questions Like, "have You Ever Tried Sugar Or Pcp?"

I Bought A House, It's A Two Bedroom House, But I Think It's Up To Me To Decide How Many Bedrooms There Are. This Bedroom Has An Oven In It. This Bedroom Has A Lot Of People Sitting Around Watching Tv. This Bedroom Is Over In That Other Guy's House.

I Got Some Tartar-control Toothpaste A While Back. I've Still Got Tartar, But It's Under Control.

I Went To The Airport, I Put My Bag In The X-ray Machine, I Found Out My Bag Has Cancer. It Only Has Six More Months To Hold Stuff.

I Like It When You Reach Into A Vending Machine To Grab Your Candy Bar, And That Flap Goes Up To Block You From Reaching Up? That's A Good Invention. Before That, It Was Hard Times For The Vending Machine Owners. "yeah, What Candy Bar Are You Getting?" "that One, And Every One On The Bottom Row!"

I Don't Have Any Children, But If I Had A Baby, I Would Have To Name It, So I Would Get A Baby-naming Book. Or I Would Invite Somebody Over Who Had A Cast On.

I Don't Like Grouper Fish. Well, They're Okay. They Hang Around Star Fish. Because They're Grouper Fish.

I'm Gonna Fix That Last Joke By Taking Out All The Words And Adding New Ones.

Xm Radio Doesn't Have Commercials, So After About Thirty Minutes Of Listening To It, I'm Like, "what Should I Buy?"

I Thought My Teeth Were White Until I Washed My Face With Noxzema. My Teeth Are Off-white. I'm Not Even White. I'm Off-white. It's A New Race; We Will Prevail!

So, I Sit At The Hotel At Night And I Think Of Something That's Funny. Or, If The Pen Is Too Far Away, I Have To Convince Myself That What I Thought Of Wasn't Funny.

I Had A Box Of Ritz Crackers, And On The Back Of The Box, They Had All These Suggestions For What To Put On Top Of The Ritz. Try It With Cheese. Try It With Peanut Butter. Come On, Man, They're Crackers, That's Why I Got Them. I Like Crackers! I Didn't Buy Them Because They're Little Edible Plates!

I Tried To Throw A Yo-yo Away. It Was Impossible.

When Someone Hands You A Flyer, It's Like They're Saying Here You Throw This Away.

I Have An Idea For Sweatshops: Air Conditioning! That's Simple. 14 Year Old Boys Working Twelve Hour Days? "yeah, But They're Comfortable!"

I Sometimes Close My Eyes During A Show Because I Have Drawn A Picture Of An Audience Enjoying The Show More On The Back Of My Eyelids.

I Like Cottage Cheese. That's Why I Want To Try Other Dwelling Cheeses, Too. How About Studio Apartment Cheese? Tent Cheese? Mobile Home Cheese? Do Not Eat Mobile Home Cheese In A Tornado.

I Got An Ant Farm. Them Fellas Didn't Grow Anything. Hey, How About Some Celery? Plus, If I Tore Your Legs Off, You Would Look Like Snowmen.

Bologna Is A Deli Meat For People With Eyes.

You Should Never Tell Someone They Have A Nice Dimple, Because Maybe They Were Shot In The Face With A Bb Gun.

I Think We Should Only Get 3 Honks A Month On The Car Horn. Then, Someone Cuts You Off, You Press The Horn, And Nothing Happens. You're Like, "crap! I Wish I Hadn't Seen Ricky On The Sidewalk!"

Every Mcdonald's Commercial Ends The Same Way: Prices And Participation May Vary. I Wanna Open A Mcdonald's And Not Participate In Anything. I Wanna Be A Stubborn Mcdonald's Owner. "cheeseburgers?" "nope! We Got Spaghetti, And Blankets."

I Got In An Argument With A Girlfriend Inside Of A Tent. That's A Bad Place For An Argument, Because I Tried To Walk Out, And Had To Slam The Flap.

I Like The Public Hot-tub At The Hotels. I Like When A Guy Is Already In There, I Say, "hey, Do You Mind If I Join You?" Then I Go Turn The Heat Up, And I Add Some Carrots And Onions.

I Did A Radio Interview; The Dj's First Question Was "who Are You?" I Had To Think. Is This Guy Really Deep, Or Did I Drive To The Wrong Station?

I Have No Problem Not Listening To The Temptations.

They Say The Recipe For Sprite Is Lemon And Lime. I Tried To Make It At Home. There's More To It Than That.

My Sister Wanted To Be An Actress, But She Never Made It. She Does Live In A Trailer. She Got Halfway. She's An Actress, She Just Never Gets Called To The Set.

There's A Guy In The Audience With A Distinctive Laugh. I Hope That Guy Is Miked. The Only Problem With Having A Distinctive Laugh Is I Know Exactly When That Guy Isn't Laughing. "oh, Distinctive Laugh Doesn't Think That Joke Was Funny!"

I Was At This Casino Minding My Own Business, And This Guy Came Up To Me And Said, 'you're Gonna Have To Move, You're Blocking A Fire Exit.' As Though If There Was A Fire, I Wasn't Gonna Run. If You're Flammible And Have Legs, You Are Never Blocking A Fire Exit.

The Only Way I Could Get My Old Cd Into Stores Is If I Took One In And Leave It. "sir, You Forgot This." "no, I Did Not. That Is For Sale. Please Alphabetize It."

I Went To A Restaurant, And I Saw A Guy Wearing A Leather Jacket, Eating A Hamburger, Drinking A Glass Of Milk. I Said, "dude, You Are A Cow. The Metamorphosis Is Complete. Don't Fall Asleep Or I Will Tip You Over!"

I Don't Have A Girlfriend. But I Do Know A Woman Who'd Be Mad At Me For Saying That.

I'm A Heroine Addict. I Need To Have Sex With Women Who Have Saved Someone's Life.

I Find A Duck's Opinion Of Me Is Very Much Influenced By Whether Or Not I Have Bread.

I Got A Business Card Because I Wanna Win Some Lunches. That's What My Business Card Says: Mitch Hedberg, Potential Lunch Winner. Gimme A Call, Maybe We'll Have Lunch. If I'm Lucky!

People Think I'm Into Sports Because I'm A Man. But I'm Not Into Sports. I Like Gatorade, But That's About As Far As It Goes. By The Way, You Don't Have To Be Sweaty And Play Basketball To Enjoy Gatorade. You Can Just Be A Thirsty Dude. Gatorade Forgets About This Demographic!

A Lollipop Is A Cross Between Hard Candy And Garbage.

The Commercial For Diet Dr. Pepper Says It Tastes Just Like Regular Dr. Pepper. Well, Then They Screwed Up!

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