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I Like Kinko's, Because They're Open 24 Hours. If It's 5 Am And I Decide I Need Two Of Something, I'm Covered! Sometimes I Wake Up In The Middle Of The Night In A Cold Sweat, And Then I Think, "oh, Yeah. Kinko's. No Problem. That Will Not Remain Singular."

-Mitch Hedberg

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I Like Kinko's, Because

Mitch Hedberg

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I Like Kinko's, Because They're Open 24 Hours. If It's 5 Am And I Decide I Need Two Of Something, I'm Covered! Sometimes I Wake Up In The Middle Of The Night In A Cold Sweat, And Then I Think, "oh, Yeah. Kinko's. No Problem. That Will Not Remain Singular."

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Onions Make Me Sad, A Lot Of People Don't Realize That. When I'm Cutting Onions, I'm Sad. Because The Plight Of Onions, It's Sad. But People Don't Realize I'm Actually Crying - They Think I'm Just Reacting.

I Don't Have A Girlfriend. But I Do Know A Woman Who'd Be Mad At Me For Saying That.

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My Roommate Says, "i'm Going To Take A Shower And Shave. Does Anyone Need To Use The Bathroom?" It's Like Some Weird Quiz Where He Reveals The Answer First.

I Got My Hair Highlighted Because I Felt Some Strands Were More Important Than Others.

When You're In Hollywood And You're A Comedian, Everybody Wants You To Do Other Things. All Right, You're A Stand-up Comedian, Can You Write Us A Script? That's Not Fair. That's Like If I Worked Hard To Become A Cook, And I'm A Really Good Cook, They'd Say, "ok, You're A Cook. Can You Farm?"

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I Saw This Wino, He Was Eating Grapes. I Was Like, "dude, You Have To Wait".

No, I Was Just Good At Holding Ice Cream Cones.

I Saw A Guy Juggling Chain Saws, It Was Cool, Unless Something Needed To Be Sawed Down, Then It's Annoying.

I Want To Make A Vending Machine That Sells Vending Machines. It'd Have To Be Real Big.

My Manager Said, "don't Use Liquor As A Crutch!" I Can't Use Liquor As A Crutch, Because A Crutch Helps Me Walk.

I Like To Hold The Microphone Cord Like This, I Pinch It Together, Then I Let It Go, Then You Hear A Whole Bunch Of Jokes At Once.

I Don't Get The Regular Aids Test Anymore. I Get The Roundabout Aids Test. I Ask My Friend Brian, "do You Know Anybody Who Has Aids?". He Says, "no". I Say, "cool, Because You Know Me."

I Spilled Some Vodka On The Carpet, And I Vacuumed It Up, And The Vacuum Got Drunk. I Had To Take The Hoover To Detox.

If You Can't Sleep, Count Sheep. Don't Count Endangered Animals. You Will Run Out.

I Don't Know How To Fix A Car. If The Car Breaks Down, And The Gas Tank Does Not Say "e", I'm Screwed. But If The Gas Tank Says "e", I Get All Cocky - "i've Got This One, Don't Worry." So I Get Out The Toolbox Aka Wallet.

I Can't Eat Spaghetti. There's Too Many Of Them.

I Have Found When I Look At An Audience That The Expressions On The Peoples' Faces Aren't Always Up To Par With The Sounds That They're Making. A Crowd Can Sound Like They're Having A Good Time When Your Eyes Are Closed But If You Open Your Eyes, The Looks On Some Of Those Faces Don't Equal The Sound.

I Don't Wear A Watch Because I Want My Arms To Weigh The Same.

Have You Ever Tried Sugar Or Pcp?

I Would Imagine That If You Could Understand Morse Code, A Tap Dancer Would Drive You Crazy.

Fettucini Alfredo Is Macaroni And Cheese For Adults.

Swiss Cheese Is The Only Cheese You Can Draw And People Can Identify. You Can Draw American Cheese, But Someone Will Think It's Cheddar. It's The Only Cheese You Can Bite And Miss. "hey Mitch - Does That Sandwich Have Cheese On It?" "every Now And Then!"

I Read That Mtv's Real World Got 40,000 Applications. That's Amazing, Such An Even Number. You Would Have Thought It Would Be 40,008.

I Had A Chicken Finger That Was So Big, It Was A Chicken Hand.

I Saw A Seagull Hanging Out By A Lake, But I Said, "don't Worry, Dude. I Won't Say Anything."

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I'm Gonna Fix That Last Joke By Taking Out All The Words And Adding New Ones.

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Chicago Is Known As The Windy City, And Montana Is Called The Big Sky State, So I Think That We Should Somehow Combine The Two To Create The Ultimate Kite-flying Experience.

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A Burrito Is A Sleeping Bag For Ground Beef.

When You Put Listerine In Your Mouth, It Hurts. Germs Do Not Go Quietly.

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I Had A Bag Of Fritos, They Were Texas Grilled Fritos. These Fritos Had Grill Marks On Them. They Remind Me Of Summer, When We Used To Fire Up The Barbeque And Throw Down Some Fritos. I Can Still See My Dad With The Apron On. Better Flip That Frito, Dad, You Know How I Like It.

A Lot Of Bands Have Intense Names, Like "rigor Mortis" Or "mortuary". We Weren't That Intense, We Called Ourselves "injured". Later On We Changed It To "acapella" When We Were Walking Out Of The Pawn Shop.

I Was In A Convenience Store, Reading A Magazine. The Clerk Told Me, "this Is Not A Library!" "ok! I Will Talk Louder, Then!"

I Like Cottage Cheese. That's Why I Want To Try Other Dwelling Cheeses, Too. How About Studio Apartment Cheese? Tent Cheese? Mobile Home Cheese? Do Not Eat Mobile Home Cheese In A Tornado.

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Spaghetti... I Can't Eat Spaghetti, There's Too Many Of Them. No Matter How Hungry I Am, 1,000 Of Something Is Too Many. I'll Have 1,000 Pieces Of Noodles.

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Incubated. And Then Raised. And Then Beheaded. And Then Plucked. And Then Cut Up. And Then Put On A Grill. And Then Put On A Bun. Damn, It's Gonna Take A While. I Don't Have Time. Scrambled!

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I Don't Need A Receipt For A Doughnut. I'll Just Give You The Money, And You Give Me The Doughnut. End Of Transaction! We Don't Need To Bring Ink And Paper Into This! I Can't Imagine A Scenario Where I'd Have To Prove That I Bought A Doughnut. Some Skeptical Friend...'don't Even Act Like I Didn't Buy That Doughnut! I've Got The Documentation Right Here! Oh, Wait, It's Back Home, In The File. Under D...for Doughnut.'

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2-in-1 Is A Stupid Term, Because 1 Is Not Big Enough To Hold 2. That's Why 2 Was Created.

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I Think Pickles Are Cucumbers That Sold Out.

I Went To A Record Store, They Said They Specialized In Hard-to-find Records. Nothing Was Alphabetized!

I Don't Own A Cell Phone Or A Pager. I Just Hang Around Everyone I Know, All The Time. If Someone Wants To Get A Hold Of Me, They Just Say 'mitch,' And I Say 'what?' And Turn My Head Slightly.

I Got Some Tartar Control Toothpaste. I Still Have Tartar, But That Stuff's Under Control. I Got So Much Tartar, I Don't Have To Dip My Fish Sticks In Anything. That's Actually Kind Of Gross. After That Joke, I Have To Clarify That I'm Just Joking.

I Was Walking Down The Street With My Friend And He Said 'i Hear Music,' As Though There's Any Other Way To Take It In. 'you're Not Special. That's How I Receive It Too... I Tried To Taste It, But It Did Not Work'.

Because Of Acid, I Now Know That Butter Is Way Better Than Margarine.

Comedy Clubs Have Brick Walls Behind The Performer. Bricks Make You Funny. When I'm In Front Of A Fireplace, I'm Hilarious.

A Dog Came To My Door, So I Gave Him A Bone, The Dog Took The Bone Into The Back Yard And Buried It. I'm Going To Go Plant A Tree There, With Bones On It, Then The Dog Will Come Back And Say, "shoot! It Worked! I Must Distribute These Bones Equally For I Have A Green Paw!"

Imagine If You Were A Drummer, And You Accidentally Picked Up Two Magic Wands Instead Of Sticks. There You Are, Keeping The Beat, The Next Thing You Know, Your Bass Player Turns Into A Can Of Soup.

Every Time I Go And Shave, I Assume There's Someone Else On The Planet Shaving. So I Say, 'i'm Gonna Go Shave, Too.'

Bologna Is A Deli Meat For People With Eyes.

I Got Two Stools, In Case I Want To Sit Down And Sit Down Again On Something Else.

Imagine If The Headless Horseman Had A Headless Horse. That Would Be Chaos. I Would Think That If You Were The Headless Horseman's Horse, You Would Be Very Confused. "i Don't Think This Dude Can See."

I Used To Drink Wine. This Girl Asked Me, "doesn't Wine Give You A Headache?" "yeah, Eventually, But The First And The Middle Part Are Amazing!"

I`ve Not Really Been Angling To Be A Comedian. I Knew Comics And I Loved Them And I Loved Being Funny, But I Didn't Understand The Whole Concept Of Becoming One. My First Couple Of Times On Stage, I Was Like, "this Is What I'm Doing For Sure." I Was So Excited.

This Shirt Is "dry-clean Only"... Which Means It's Dirty.

I Have A Few Cavities. I Don't Like To Call Them Cavities, Though - I Like To Call Them 'places To Put Stuff'. 'do You Know Where I Can Store A Pea' 'yes, I Have Some Locations Available.'

I Bought Myself A Parrot, But It Did Not Say "i'm Hungry", And So It Died.

People Think I'm Into Sports Because I'm A Man. But I'm Not Into Sports. I Like Gatorade, But That's About As Far As It Goes. By The Way, You Don't Have To Be Sweaty And Play Basketball To Enjoy Gatorade. You Can Just Be A Thirsty Dude. Gatorade Forgets About This Demographic!

Cavities Are Made By Sugar. So If You Need To Dig A Hole, Then Lay Down Some Candy Bars!

I Was Going To Stay Overnight At My Friend's House - He Said, "you'll Have To Sleep On The Floor." Damn Gravity! You Don't Know How Bad I Wanted To Sleep On The Wall.

I'm A Mumbler. If I'm Walking With A Friend, And I Say Something, He Says, "what?" So I Say It Again, And He Says, "what?" Really, It's Just Some Insignificant Stuff I'm Saying, But Now I'm Yelling, "that Tree Is Far Away!"

I Met The Girl Who Works At The Doubletree Front Desk, She Gave Me Her Number. It's Zero. I Tried To Call From Here, Some Other Woman Answered. "you Sound Older!"

I Would Imagine The Inside Of A Bottle Of Cleaning Fluid Is Really Clean. I Would Imagine A Vodka Bottle Is Really Drunk.

I Want To Be A Rebellious Mcdonald's Owner. Cheeseburgers... Nope... We Got Spaghetti!

My Friend Said To Me, You Know What I Like? Mashed Potatoes. I Was Like, Dude, You Have To Give Me Time To Guess. If You're Going To Quiz Me You Have To Insert A Pause.

A Lollipop Is A Cross Between Hard Candy And Garbage.

I Like When They Say A Movie Is Inspired By A True Story. That's Kind Of Silly. "hey, Mitch, Did You Hear That Story About That Lady Who Drove Her Car Into The Lake With Her Kids And They All Drowned?" "yeah, I Did, And You Know What - That Inspires Me To Write A Movie About A Gorilla!"

There's A Guy In The Audience With A Distinctive Laugh. I Hope That Guy Is Miked. The Only Problem With Having A Distinctive Laugh Is I Know Exactly When That Guy Isn't Laughing. "oh, Distinctive Laugh Doesn't Think That Joke Was Funny!"

I'm Into Carpooling, Because Sometimes My Car Gets Hot And Needs To Refresh Itself.

If You Boat A Lot, You're Known As A Boating Enthusiast. I Like To Boat, But I Just Don't Want To Ever Be Referred To As A 'boating Enthusiast'. I Hope They Call Me 'a Guy Who Likes To Boat'.

They Could Take Sesame Seeds Off The Market And I Wouldn't Even Care. I Can't Imagine 5 Years From Now Saying, "remember Sesame Seeds? What Happened? All The Buns Are Blank!"

A Friend Gave Me A Drug For Attention Deficit Disorder, Because He's Afflicted, But I'm Not. So What Happened To Me Is I Suddenly Had An Extra-long Attention Span. People Would Tell Me A Story, And It Would End, And I'd Get All Mad. "come On, Man, There Has To Be More To That Story."

I Like Kit-kat, Unless I'm With Four Or More People.

If You Want To Talk To Me After The Show, I'd Be Surprised.

I Have An Underwater Camera Just In Case I Crash My Car Into A River, And At The Last Minute I See A Photo Opportunity Of A Fish That I Have Never Seen.

We Don't Have To Fix Anything.

Say, I Was On The Craig Kilbourne Show And The Next Day I Flew To Minneapolis. I Was At The Airport And A Guy Came Up. He Said, 'dude, I Saw You On Tv Last Night.' But He Did Not Say Whether Or Not He Thought I Was Good, He Just Confirmed That I Was On Television. So I Turned My Head Away From Him For About A Minute, Then I Turned It Back. I Said, 'dude, I Saw You At The Airport About A Minute Ago. And You Were Good.'

When You Open The Elevator On The Top Floor Of A Building And The Other Guy Doesn't Get Out, Something Is Seriously Wrong.

I Like Baked Potatoes. I Don't Have A Microwave Oven, And It Takes Forever To Bake A Potato In A Conventional Oven. Sometimes I'll Just Throw One In There, Even If I Don't Want One, Because By The Time It's Done, Who Knows?

I Saw Soda Pop For $1.20 A Six Pack. That Price Messes With Your Head. You Start Thinking You're Gonna Sell Soda Pop. Suddenly I've Got Packs Of Pop With Me. "looking To Buy Some Pop? 50 Cents A Can. It's Not Refrigerated Because This Is A Half-assed Commitment!"

I Want To Be A Race Car Passenger: Just A Guy Who Bugs The Driver. Say Man, Can I Turn On The Radio? You Should Slow Down. Why Do We Gotta Keep Going In Circles? Can I Put My Feet Out The Window? Man, You Really Like Tide.

I Find That A Duck's Opinion Of Me Is Influenced By Whether Or Not I Have Bread. A Duck Loves Bread, But He Does Not Have The Capability To Buy A Loaf. That's The Biggest Joke On The Duck Ever. If I Worked At A Convenience Store, And A Duck Came In And Stole A Loaf Of Bread, I Would Let Him Go. I'd Say, "come Back Tomorrow, Bring Your Friends!" When I Think Of A Duck's Friends, I Think Of Other Ducks. But He Could Have, Say, A Beaver In Tow.

I Had A Stick Of Carefree Gum, But It Didn't Work. I Felt Pretty Good While I Was Blowing That Bubble, But As Soon As The Gum Lost Its Flavor, I Was Back To Pondering My Mortality.

How Does A Sesame Seed Stick To A Bun? That's Magical. There Must Be Some Sesame Seed Glue Out There. Either That Or They're Adhesive On One Side. Peel Off The Backing, Place It On The Bun.

All These Jokes Have Been Pre-approved As Funny By Me.

You Know They Call Corn-on-the-cob, "corn-on-the-cob", But That's How It Comes Out Of The Ground. They Should Just Call It Corn, And Every Other Type Of Corn, Corn-off-the-cob. It's Not Like If Someone Cut Off My Arm They Would Call It "mitch", But Then Re-attached It, And Call It "mitch-all-together".

I'm Sick Of Following My Dreams. I'm Just Going To Ask Them Where They're Goin', And Hook Up With Them Later.

I Get The Reese's Candy Bar. You Look At That, There's An Apostrophe-s There. That Means The Candy Bar Is His. I Didn't Know That. Next Time You're Eating A Reese's Candy Bar, And A Guy Named Reese Comes By And Says, "gimme That", You Better Hand It Over.

I’d Like To See A Forklift Lift A Crate Of Forks. It’d Be So Damn Literal! You Are Using That Machine To It’s Exact Purpose!

The Commercial For Diet Dr. Pepper Says It Tastes Just Like Regular Dr. Pepper. Well, Then They Screwed Up!

If You're A Fish And You Want To Be A Fish-stick, You Have To Have Very Good Posture.

I Like Rice. Rice Is Great If You're Hungry And Want 2000 Of Something Picketing, But I Don't Know How To Show It.

I Bought A House, It's A Two Bedroom House, But I Think It's Up To Me To Decide How Many Bedrooms There Are. This Bedroom Has An Oven In It. This Bedroom Has A Lot Of People Sitting Around Watching Tv. This Bedroom Is Over In That Other Guy's House.

My Apartment Is Infested With Koala Bears. It's The Cutest Infestation Ever. Way Better Than Cockroaches. When I Turn On The Light A Bunch Of Koala Bears Scatter. But I Don't Want 'em To, You Know, I'm Like "hey, Hold On, Fellas. Let Me Hold One Of You. And Feed You A Leaf."

You Got To Always Take Advantage Of Getting Your Room Cleaned. You May Think It's Nice Not To Have Anybody In Your Room, Like Your Privacy's Not Being Invaded. But There's Nothing Like Walking Back Into A Clean Room. You've Got To Remember That.

Mr. Pibb Is A Poor Imitation Of Dr. Pepper. Dude Didn't Even Get His Degree.

You Know When A Company Wants To Use Letters In Their Phone Number, But Often They'll Use Too Many Letters? "call 1-800-i-really-enjoy-brand-new-carpeting." Too Many Letters, Man, Must I Dial Them All? "hello? Hold On, Man, I'm Only On 'enjoy.' How Did You Know I Was Calling? You're Good, I Can See Why They Hired You!"

I Want To Get A Job Naming Kitchen Appliances. That Seems Easy; Refrigerator, Toaster, Blender. You Just Say What The Thing Does And Add "er".

I Got An Ant Farm. Them Fellas Didn't Grow Anything. Hey, How About Some Celery? Plus, If I Tore Your Legs Off, You Would Look Like Snowmen.

Xylophone Is Spelled With An X. That's Wrong. It Should Be A Z Up Front. Next Time You Spell Xylophone, Use A Z. If Someone Says, "that's Wrong!", You Say, "no, It Ain't." If You Think That's Wrong, Then You Need To Have Your Head Z-rayed.

I Wear A Necklace, Cause I Wanna Know When I'm Upside Down.

Alcoholism Is A Disease, But It's The Only One You Can Get Yelled At For Having. Goddamn It Otto, You Are An Alcoholic. Goddamn It Otto, You Have Lupus... One Of Those Two Doesn't Sound Right.

If I Was A Mechanic And Someone Called Me And Said Their Car Would Not Start, I Would Say, "hey - Maybe A Killer Is After You!"

I Got Some Tartar-control Toothpaste A While Back. I've Still Got Tartar, But It's Under Control.

When I Was A Boy, I Laid In My Twin-sized Bed And Wondered Where My Brother Was.

When I Was On Acid, I Would See Things Like Beams Of Light And I Would Hear Sounds That Sounded An Awful Lot Like Car Horns.

Some Comics Get Drunk Before A Show. I Don't. When I Get Drunk, I Don't Want To Stand In Front Of A Bunch Of People That I Don't Know. That Does Not Sound Comfortable. Why Have All These People Gathered? And Why Am I Elevated And Not Facing The Same Way As Everyone Else? And What Is This Electric Stick In My Hand? I Want A Chair Too!

One Time A Guy Handed Me A Picture. He Said, 'here's A Picture Of Me When I Was Younger.' Every Picture Is Of You When You Were Younger. 'here's A Picture Of Me When I'm Older.' 'you Son Of Bit, How'd You Pull That Off Let Me See That Camera. What's It Look Like'

You Know When They Have A Fishing Show On Tv? They Catch The Fish And Then Let It Go. They Don't Want To Eat The Fish, They Just Want To Make It Late For Something.

I Cannot Tell You What Hotel I'm Staying At, But There Are Two Trees Involved.

I'm Against Picketing, But I Don't Know How To Show It.

I Drank Some Boiling Water Because I Wanted To Whistle.

I Saw A Lady On Tv, She Was Born Without Arms. That's Sad, But Then They Said, "lola Does Not Know The Meaning Of The Word 'can't'." That, To Me, Is Even Worse In A Way. Not Only Is She Missing Arms, But She Doesn't Understand Simple Contractions. It's Easy, Lola - You Just Take Two Words, Put Them Together, Take Out The Middle Letters, Put In A Comma, And You Raise It Up!

I Wrote A Script, And I Gave It To A Guy Who Reads Scripts, And He Read It, And He Liked It, But He Said He Thinks I Ought To Re-write It. I Said, "fuck That - I'll Just Make A Copy!"

If You Have To Release Bad News To The Public, It Would Help If You Are Not Ugly.

I Find A Duck's Opinion Of Me Is Very Much Influenced By Whether Or Not I Have Bread.

I Went To A Heavy Metal Concert. The Singer Yelled Out, "how Many Of You People Feel Like Human Beings Tonight?" And Then He Said, "how Many Of You Feel Like Animals?" The Thing Is, Everyone Cheered After The Animals Part, But I Cheered After The Human Beings Part Because I Did Not Know There Was A Second Part To The Question.

One Time I Stayed At A Haunted Motel. When I Checked Into My Room, There Was A Sheet On The Floor, And I Thought It Was A Ghost That Had Passed Out, So I Kicked It.

Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry For The Convenience.

I Want To Get A Vending Machine, With Fun Sized Candy Bars, And The Glass In Front Is A Magnifying Glass. You'll Be Mad, But It Will Be Too Late.

I'm An Ice Sculptor. Last Night I Made A Cube.

I Want To Ride In A Cold Air Balloon. "this Isn't Going Anywhere!"

I Know A Lot About Cars, Man. I Can Look At Any Car's Headlights And Tell You Exactly Which Way It's Coming.

I Like Those Blow-up Beds. "this Becomes A Full Size Bed In Three Minutes!" Well, A Mattress Kicks Your Ass. Zero Seconds. "yeah, But You Can Store This Thing." You Can Store A Bed, Too - In The Bedroom.

I Got A Hotel Room At New York New York In Las Vegas And I Was Very Happy. They've Got That Rollercoaster Encircling The Entire Premises, Just Like Manhattan.

Snake Eyes Is A Gambling Term, And An Animal Term, Too.

I Think Pringles Initial Intention Was To Make Tennis Balls. But On The Day That The Rubber Was Supposed To Show Up, A Big Truckload Of Potatoes Arrived. But Pringles Is A Laid Back Company. They Said, "screw It. Cut 'em Up!"

I Ordered A Club Sandwich, But I'm Not Even A Member. "i Like My Sandwiches With Three Pieces Of Bread." "well, So Do I!" "then Let's Form A Club." "ok, But We Need Some More Stipulations. Instead Of Cutting The Sandwich Once, Let's Cut It Again. Yes, Four Triangles, Arranged In A Circle, And In The Middle We Will Dump Chips." "how Do You Feel About Frilly Toothpicks?" "i'm For 'em!" "well, This Club Is Formed."

I Don't Have Any Children, But If I Had A Baby, I Would Have To Name It, So I Would Get A Baby-naming Book. Or I Would Invite Somebody Over Who Had A Cast On.

I Mumble A Lot When Im Off Stage, So A Lot Of Times When Im With A Friend I'll Say Something And He'll Be Like What, And I'll Say It Again And He'll Be Like What, And I'll Say It Again And He'll Still Be Like What, So Now He's Got Me Yellin. Man That Tree Is Far Away

I Used To Be A Hot-tar Roofer. Yeah, I Remember That... Day.

Advil Has A Candy Coating. It's Delicious. Then It Says On The Bottle, Do Not Have More Than Two. Then Why Do They Have A Candy Coating? I Cannot Help Myself. Let Me Have Ten Advil, I Have A Sweet Tooth.

I Don't Have A Girlfriend. I Just Know A Girl Who Would Get Really Mad If She Heard Me Say That.

I Wish They Made Fajita Cologne, Because That Stuff Smells Good. What's That You're Wearing? That's Sizzlin'!

I Like Refried Beans. That's Why I Wanna Try Fried Beans, Because Maybe They're Just As Good And We're Just Wasting Time. You Don't Have To Fry Them Again After All.

When You're Doing A Show On Stage, And They Show You A Red Light, That Means You Have 5 Minutes Left. At Some Clubs, They Hold A Candle Up In The Back. That's The Worst Method. You're Up Here, And Then You See A Floating Candle. "oh, No! This Place Is Haunted!" I Can't Be Funny When I'm Frightened.

Once I Saw A Duck Walking Down The Street So I Went Into Subway And Ordered Two Pieces Of Bread, And They Informed Me That They Could Not Do That, Like There Was Some Speical Rule At Subway That Two Pieces Of Bread Weren't Allowed To Touch. So The Woman Asked Me What I Wanted On The Sandwich And I Said I Do Not Care, It Is For A Duck, And She Was Like Oh Then It's Free. I Was Not Aware That Ducks Eat For Free At Subway. It's Like Give Me A Chicken Fajita Sub, But Don't Worry About Ringing It Up, It Is For A Duck.

I Didn't Go To College, But If I Did, I Would've Taken All My Tests At A Restaurant, 'cause 'the Customer Is Always Right'.

My Belt Holds My Pants Up, But The Belt Loops Hold My Belt Up. I Don't Really Know What's Happening Down There. Who Is The Real Hero?

I Ate One Anchovy, And That Is Why I Did Not Eat Two Anchovies.

I Got A Business Card Because I Wanna Win Some Lunches. That's What My Business Card Says: Mitch Hedberg, Potential Lunch Winner. Gimme A Call, Maybe We'll Have Lunch. If I'm Lucky!

P.s. - This Is What Part Of The Alphabet Would Look Like If Q And R Were Eliminated.

I Wish My Name Was Brian Because Maybe Sometimes People Would Misspell My Name And Call Me Brain. That's Like A Free Compliment And You Don't Even Gotta Be Smart To Notice It.

They Say The Recipe For Sprite Is Lemon And Lime. I Tried To Make It At Home. There's More To It Than That.

When You Go To A Bar That Has A Black Light, Everybody Looks Cool. Except For Me, Because I Was Under The Impression That The Mustard Stain Came Out.

When I Get A Cold Sore, I Put Carmex On It, Because Carmex Is Supposed To Alleviate Cold Sores. I Don't Know If It Does Help, But It Will Make Them More Shiny And Noticeable. It's Like Cold-sore-highlighter. Maybe They Could Come Up With An Arrow That Heals Cold Sores.

I Hate Dreaming Because When You Want To Sleep, You Want To Sleep. Dreaming Is Work. Next Thing You Know, I Have To Build A Go-cart With My Ex-landlord.

Every Time I Walk By A Spy Shop, I Think That I Need To Put Some Surveillance On Somebody. Rick's Been Acting Fishy! I Need To Buy A Safe That Looks Like A Spray 'n Wash Can. "hey, Mitch, Can I Use The Spray 'n Wash?" "yeah, If You Want To Spray Your Shirt With Documents!"

If You're Watching A Parade, Don't Follow It. It Never Changes. If The Parade Is Boring, Run In The Opposite Direction. You Will Fast-forward The Parade.

I Went To The Park And Saw This Kid Flying A Kite. The Kid Was Really Excited. I Don't Know Why, That's What They're Supposed To Do. Now If He Had Had A Chair On The Other End Of That String, I Would Have Been Impressed.

I Got An Ant Farm; Them Fellas Didn't Grow Sh*t.

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