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I Have A Problem With The Strip That Runs Along The Bottom Of The News Programs. Don't These Idiots Who Run The News Programs Know We Don't Want To Read? That's Why We're Watching Tv.

-Jerry Seinfeld

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I Have A Problem

Jerry Seinfeld

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I Have A Problem With The Strip That Runs Along The Bottom Of The News Programs. Don't These Idiots Who Run The News Programs Know We Don't Want To Read? That's Why We're Watching Tv.

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You Don't Even Really Need A Place. But You Feel Like You're Doing Something. That Is What Coffee Is. And That Is One Of The Geniuses Of The New Coffee Culture.

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Being A Good Husband Is Like Being A Good Stand-up Comic - You Need Ten Years Before You Can Even Call Yourself A Beginner.

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I Know There Are Kids Out There, I Want To Make Sure They All Know That Driving Without Braking Is Not Something I Recommend, Unless You Have Professional Clown Training Or A Comedy Background, As I Do. It Is Not Something I Plan To Make A Habit.

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Why Is It Illegal To Park In A Handicapped Parking Space But Okay To Go The Bathroom In A Handicapped Stall?

You Can Measure Distance By Time. 'how Far Away Is It?' 'oh About 20 Minutes.' But It Doesn't Work The Other Way. 'when Do You Get Off Work?' 'around 3 Miles.'

I Love Being A Dad. I Just Love It.

I Love Advertising Because I Love Lying.

I Love How You Just Make Coffee And Then Somehow Something Gets Done.

You Know, Crankiness Is At The Essence Of All Comedy.

My Wife Is Funny. And I Dabble In It. So Being Funny Is Big Around Our House. But What's Surprised Me Is My Daughter Can Do An English Accent. I Don't Know How She Learned This.

I Am A Very Organized Person. I Get Up At 6:15 A.m., The Kids Get Up At 6:45 A.m., And So I Get Up And Get It In. I’m Addicted To The High Function. To Me It’s A Work Thing - If You Meditate, You Can Get So Much Work Done. I Always Say To People You Know How About Three Nights A Year You Get A Good Night Sleep? You Can Have It Every Day With Meditation.

Keep Your Head Up In Failure And Your Head Down In Success.

Life Is Truly A Ride. We're All Strapped In And No One Can Stop It. When The Doctor Slaps Your Behind, He's Ripping Your Ticket And Away You Go. As You Make Each Passage From Youth To Adulthood To Maturity, Sometimes You Put Your Arms Up And Scream, Sometimes You Just Hang On To That Bar In Front Of You. But The Ride Is The Thing. I Think The Most You Can Hope For At The End Of Life Is That Your Hair's Messed, You're Out Of Breath, And You Didn't Throw Up.

Yeah, Like Bizarro Superman, Superman's Exact Opposite, Who Lives In The Backwards Bizarro World. Up Is Down, Down Is Up, He Says Hello When He Leaves, Goodbye When He Arrives.

People Have An Infinite Attention Span If You Are Entertaining Them.

People Who Read The Tabloids Deserve To Be Lied To.

What Is This Obsession People Have With Books? They Put Them In Their Houses Like They're Trophies. What Do You Need It For After You Read It?

I Can Walk Through A Hotel Lobby And Watch People At The Desk And See What They're Doing. People Don't Look At Me. They Don't Even Know I'm There.

You Know Why Fish Are So Thin? They Eat Fish.

With Any Kind Of Physical Test, I Don't Know What It Is, I Always Seem To Get Competitive. Remember When You Were In School And They'd Do Those Hearing Tests? And You'd Really Be Listening Hard, You Know? I Wanted To Do Unbelievable On The Hearing Test. I Wanted Them To Come Over To Me After And Go, 'we Think You May Have Something Close To Super-hearing. What You Heard Was A Cotton Ball Touching A Piece Of Felt. We're Sending The Results To Washington, We'd Like You To Meet The President.'

Elaine: Ugh, I Hate People. Jerry: Yeah, They're The Worst.

Wise Is What You Want To Be. Smart Is Easy Compared To Wise.

This Is One Of My Big Things Of Creative Pursuits. You Have Your Idea You Want To Do, But Then You Got To Figure Out What Does This Thing Want To Be? You Got To Let It Lead You A Little.

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