I Have A Problem With The Strip That Runs Along The Bottom Of The News Programs. Don't These Idiots Who Run The News Programs Know We Don't Want To Read? That's Why We're Watching Tv.

-Jerry Seinfeld

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I Have A Problem

Jerry Seinfeld

I Have A Problem With The Strip That Runs Along The Bottom Of The News Programs. Don't These Idiots Who Run The News Programs Know We Don't Want To Read? That's Why We're Watching Tv.

Topic

Funny

Running

Watching Tv

More From Jerry Seinfeld

If You Go To A Bad Movie, It's Two Hours. If You're In A Bad Movie, It's Two Years.

Movie

Years

Two

Celebrity Is No Different From Any Other Energy. It's A Force For Good Or Evil. It's No Different From Money. It's Power.

Evil

Energy

Different

To Me A Lawyer Is Basically The Person That Knows The Rules Of The Country. We're All Throwing The Dice, Playing The Game, Moving Our Pieces Around The Board, But If There's A Problem, The Lawyer Is The Only Person That Has Actually Read The Inside Of The Top Of The Box.

Country

Moving

Games

If Aliens Are Watching Us Through Telescopes, They're Going To Think The Dogs Are The Leaders Of The Planet. If You See Two Life Forms, One Of Them's Making A Poop, The Other One's Carrying It For Him, Who Would You Assume Is In Charge?

Funny

Dog

Humorous

I Do Not Know Why Anyone Would Host An Awards Show. No Matter How Unbelievably Well You Do At It, The Only Thing That Can Happen Is You Get Asked Again To Host An Awards Show.

Awards

Matter

Host

The Truth Is, I Had Always Wanted To Be A Comedian, But I Really Didn't Have That Kind Of Personality, And It's A Terrifying Thing To Say.

Personality

Comedian

Kind

I Don't Return Fruit. Fruit's A Gamble. I Know That Going In.

Fruit

Return

Gamble

Why Do People Give Each Other Flowers? To Celebrate Various Important Occasions, They’re Killing Living Creatures? Why Restrict It To Plants? 'sweetheart, Let’s Make Up. Have This Deceased Squirrel.

Funny

Flower

Squirrels

I've Compiled A Book From The Internet. It's A Book Of Quotations Attributed To The Wrong People.

Book

People

Internet

Dogs Want To Be People. That's What Their Lives Are About. They Don't Like Being A Dog. They're With People All The Time, They Want To Graduate. My Dog Would Sit There All Day, He Would Watch Me Walk By, He Would Think To Himself, "i Could Do That! He's Not That Good.

Dog

Thinking

People

Sex To Save The Friendship? Well If We Have To We Have To.

Sex

Wells

Ifs

If Every Instinct You Have Is Wrong, Then The Opposite Would Have To Be Right.

Opposites

Instinct

Ifs

I Am Speechless: I Have No Speech

Speech

Speechless

I Love How You Just Make Coffee And Then Somehow Something Gets Done.

Coffee

Done

This Is Really A Crazy Idea, You Know. It Probably Won't Work, But That Will Be Interesting, Too. You Have To Motivate Yourself With Challenges. That's How You Know You're Still Alive. Once You Start Doing Only What You've Already Proven You Can Do, You're On The Road To Death.

Crazy

Ideas

Interesting

It's Hard To Do Nothing Because You Tend To Do Something And Then You Have To Drop Everything.

Inspirational

Hard

I Am So Busy Doing Nothing... That The Idea Of Doing Anything - Which As You Know, Always Leads To Something - Cuts Into The Nothing And Then Forces Me To Have To Drop Everything.

Witty

Time

Cutting

I Have A Problem With The Strip That Runs Along The Bottom Of The News Programs. Don't These Idiots Who Run The News Programs Know We Don't Want To Read? That's Why We're Watching Tv.

Funny

Running

Watching Tv

The Luge Is The Only Olympic Event Where You Could Have People Competing In It Against Their Will, And It Would Look Exactly The Same. Take People Off The Street, 'hey, Hey, Hey, What Is This?! I Don't Wanna Be In The Luge!' Once You Put That Helmet On Them, 'you're In The Luge, Buddy!' 'aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa... Aaaaaaaa...' World Record. Didn't Even Wanna Do It. I'd Like To See That Next Olympics, The Involuntary Luge.

People

Olympics

Twitter Is Good. Why Say A Lot To A Few People When You Can Say Virtually Nothing To Everyone?

People

I Didn't Know Every Day I Would Be Discussing The Tone Of My Voice With My Wife. I Thought It Was A Marriage. Apparently, It's A Musical.

Voice

Wife

Funny Marriage

I Know What I'm Doing, Just Show Me Somebody Naked.

Sexy

Naked

Show Me

Men Like A Ref Decision Because They Just Want To Get Back To The Game.

Men

Games

Decision

There's No Way That Moving In With Your Parents Is A Sign That Your Life Is On Track.

Family

Moving

Track

A Bookstore Is One Of The Only Pieces Of Evidence We Have That People Are Still Thinking.

Book

Reading

Learning

Nothing In Life Is Fun For The Whole Family. There Are No Massage Parlors With Ice Cream And Free Jewelry.

Funny

Ice Cream

Massage

I Wish I Was A Phone Machine. I Wish If I Saw Somebody On The Street I Didn't Want To Talk To I Could Just Go, "excuse Me, I'm Not Here Right Now, If You Just Leave A Message, I Can Walk Away."

Humorous

Phones

Wish

What Is The Story With The Airport Sinks, That They Will Not Give Us A Twist-on Twist-off Human Faucet. "is It That Too Risky For The Human Population? We Have To Do The One-handed Pain-in-the-ass Alcatraz-style Faucets. "what Is It They Think We Will Do? Turn 'em All On Full, Run Out Into The Parking Lot, Laughing, Pushing Each Other Into The Bushes?

Running

Pain

Thinking

The Olympics Is My Favourite Sporting Event. Although I Have A Problem With That Silver Medal. When You Think About It, You Win The Gold - You Feel Good, You Win The Bronze - You Think, 'well At Least I Got Something'. But When You Win Silver, It's Like, 'congratulations, You 'almost' Won. Of All The Losers, You Came In First Of That Group. You're The Number One 'loser.' No One Lost Ahead Of You.

Congratulations

Winning

Thinking

You Can Tell What Was The Best Year Of Your Father's Life, Because They Seem To Freeze That Clothing Style And Ride It Out.

Father

Years

Style

Make No Mistake About Why These Babies Are Here - They Are Here To Replace Us.

Baby

Funny Life

Mistake

I Feel Like Humor Is The Answer To Everything. If You Have A Little Bit Of Humor In The Shaker And You Can Sprinkle That On, That's Your Answer.

Answers

Sprinkles

Littles

If Airline Seat Cushions Are Such Great Flotation Devices, Why Don't You Ever See Anyone Take One To The Beach?

Beach

Airline

Devices

If A Book About Failures Doesn't Sell, Is It A Success?

Inspirational

Funny

Hilarious

The Swiss Have An Interesting Army. Five Hundred Years Without A War. Pretty Impressive. Also Pretty Lucky For Them. Ever Seen That Little Swiss Army Knife They Have To Fight With? Not Much Of A Weapon There. Corkscrews. Bottle Openers. ‘come On, Buddy, Let’s Go. You Get Past Me, The Guy In The Back Of Me, He’s Got A Spoon. Back Off, I’ve Got The Toe Clippers Right Here.

Funny

War

Fighting

Looking At Cleavage Is Like Looking At The Sun. You Don't Stare At It, It's Too Risky. You Get A Sense Of It And Then You Look Away.

Looks

Sun

Staring

Men Don't Care What's On Tv. They Only Care What Else Is On Tv.

Funny

Witty

Humorous

Every Day When Everybody Would Have Lunch I Would Do Tm [transcendental Meditation] And Then I Would Eat While I Was Working Because I Had Missed Lunch But That Is How I Survived The 9 Years [of Seinfeld], It Was That 20 Minutes In The Middle Of The Day Would Save Me.

Years

Lunch

Meditation

Dogs Have No Money. Isn't That Amazing? They're Broke Their Entire Lives. But They Get Through. You Know Why Dogs Have No Money? .. No Pockets.

Funny

Inspiring

Dog

A Really Hard Laugh Is Like Sex-one Of The Ultimate Diversions Of Existence.

Sex

Laughing

Existence

Festivus For The Restivus!

Comedy Is Just Complaining In An Entertaining Way, Enterplaining.

Complaining

Way

Comedy

The Human Body Is Like A Condominium. The Thing That Keeps You From Really Enjoying It Is The Maintenance.

Maintenance

Body

Enjoy

Everybody Lies About Sex. People Lie During Sex. If It Weren't For Lies, There'd Be No Sex.

Sex

Lying

People

I Think The Answer Is We All Need A Little Help, And The Coffee's A Little Help With Everything — Social, Energy, Don't Know What To Do Next, Don't Know How To Start My Day, Don't Know How To Get Through This Afternoon, Don't Know How To Stay Alert. We Want To Do A Lot Of Stuff; We're Not In Great Shape. We Didn't Get A Good Night's Sleep. We're A Little Depressed. Coffee Solves All These Problems In One Delightful Little Cup.

Good Night

Coffee

Sleep

Maybe If We Lie Down Our Brains Will Work.

Lying

Brain

Ifs

Cry When You Get A Golden Globe. Then You Can Get An Oscar Nomination.

Oscars

Nominations

Golden

The Beatles Created Something That Never Trailed Off. What A Gift That Was To Their Fans. If You're Into The Beatles, You Loved Them From Beginning To End.

Fans

Ends

Ifs

The Worst Thing About Television Is That Everybody You See On Television Is Doing Something Better Than What You're Doing. You Never See Anybody On Tv Just Sliding Off The Front Of The Sofa, With Potato Chip Crumbs All Over Their Shirt.

Doing You

Television

Potato Chips

I Won't Do Something Unless I Can Get At Least Two Or Three Good Laughs Out Of It. If I Can't, It's Not Gonna Make The Team.

Team

Two

Laughing

Women Go After Doctors Like Men Go After Models. They Want Someone With Knowledge Of The Body. We Just Want The Body.

Men

Doctors

Body

I Love Being A Dad. I Just Love It.

Dad

Love Is

Being A Dad

Ever Noticed That No Matter What Happens In One Day, It Exactly Fits In The Newspaper?

One Day

Matter

Fit

I Can Walk Through A Hotel Lobby And Watch People At The Desk And See What They're Doing. People Don't Look At Me. They Don't Even Know I'm There.

Hotel Lobby

People

Watches

I Love Meeting Israeli People. They Look At Me Like A Son

Son

Israel

People

A Dog Will Stay Stupid. That's Why We Love Them So Much. The Entire Time We Know Them, They're Idiots. Think Of Your Dog. Every Time You Come Home, He Thinks It's Amazing. He Has No Idea How You Accomplish This Every Day. You Walk In The Door; The Joy Of This Experience Overwhelms Him. He Looks At You, He's Back. It's That Guy, That Same Guy. He Can't Believe It. Everything Is Amazing To Your Dog. Another Can Of Food? I Don't Believe It.

Dog

Stupid

Believe

I Love The Day Date. No Wine, No Shower.

Wine

Showers

I Wrote An Article On A New Porsche For 'automobile Magazine.' I Knew The Editor, And She Asked Me To Write This Article. So I'm More Proud Of That Than Anything.

Writing

Editors

Magazines

I Hate The Waiting Room. Because It's Called The Waiting Room, There's No Chance Of Not Waiting. It's Built, Designed, And Intended For Waiting. Why Would They Take You Right Away When They've Got This Room All Set Up?

Hate

Waiting Rooms

Chance

I Like Staying In Hotels. I Like Their Tiny Soap. I Like To Pretend It's Regular-sized And My Muscles Are Huge.

Soap

Tiny

Muscles

They Seal The Subway Change-booth Guy Up Inside This Thing With Bullet-proof Glass, Closed In On All Sides, It's Like Some Kind Of Houdini Torture Tank Of Doom. How Do You Breathe In There? It Looks Like If You Put Your Hand Over The Change Slot, You Could Suffocate Him In Thirty Seconds.

Funny

Glasses

Hands

With Any Kind Of Physical Test, I Don't Know What It Is, I Always Seem To Get Competitive. Remember When You Were In School And They'd Do Those Hearing Tests? And You'd Really Be Listening Hard, You Know? I Wanted To Do Unbelievable On The Hearing Test. I Wanted Them To Come Over To Me After And Go, 'we Think You May Have Something Close To Super-hearing. What You Heard Was A Cotton Ball Touching A Piece Of Felt. We're Sending The Results To Washington, We'd Like You To Meet The President.'

School

Thinking

Touching

You Don't Even Really Need A Place. But You Feel Like You're Doing Something. That Is What Coffee Is. And That Is One Of The Geniuses Of The New Coffee Culture.

Coffee

Needs

Culture

I Can't Eat Chicken And Look At Strippers At The Same Time.

Looks

Chickens

I Can

Once You Start Doing Only What You've Already Proven You Can Do, You're On The Road To Death.

Crazy Ideas

Can Do

Proven

I Love Energy. I Love It. And I Pursue It, And I Want More Of It. Physical And Mental Energy, To Me, Are The Greatest Riches Of Human Life. And Tm Is Like A Free Account Of An Endless Amount Of It.

Energy

Want

Riches

Now They Show You How Detergents Take Out Bloodstains, A Pretty Violent Image There. I Think If You've Got A T-shirt With A Bloodstain All Over It, Maybe Laundry Isn't Your Biggest Problem.maybe You Should Get Rid Of The Body Before You Do The Wash.

Funny

Hilarious

Witty

Kids Don't Say, "wait." They Say, "wait Up, Hey Wait Up!" Because When You're Little, Your Life Is Up. The Future Is Up. Everything You Want Is Up. "hold Up. Shut Up! Mum, I'll Clean Up. Let Me Stay Up!" Parents, Of Course, Are Just The Opposite. Everything Is Down. "just Calm Down. Slow Down. Come Down Here! Sit Down. Put... That... Down."

Kids

Opposites

Waiting

There's No Downside To Fame And People Who Whine About It Make Me Sick. It's The Greatest Thing In The World.

People

Sick

World

Why Would You Want To Work For A Living If You Could Just Joke Around? Being A Celebrity Expands Your Commercial Possibilities.

Want

Fame

Possibility

What Would The World Be Like If People Said Whatever They Were Thinking, All The Time, Whenever It Came To Them? How Long Would A Blind Date Last? About 13 Seconds, I Think. Oh, Sorry, Your Rear End Is Too Big. That's Ok, Your Breath Stinks Anyway. See You Later.

Sorry

Thinking

Dating

There Is Nothing More Rewarding Than Completing A Goal You Have Set For Yourself.

Life

Goal

Completing

A Chef Who Doesn't Wash His Hands Is Like A Cop Who Steals. It's A Cry For Help.

Hands

Helping

Chef

There's A Tremendous Power And Energy In Sharing Your Life With Another Person.

Energy

Persons

Our Good Time Is Sitting In A Coffee Shop With A Newspaper, Writing A Line On The Back Of A Napkin. That Is The Most Fun Comedians Ever Have

Fun

Coffee

Writing

Your Blessing In Life Is When You Find The Torture You're Comfortable With.

Blessing

Life Is

Torture

Men, As An Organization, Are Getting More Women Than Any Other Group Working Anywhere In The World. Wherever Women Are, We Have Men Looking Into It.

Men

Organization

Groups

And That's When I Realized, When You're A Kid You Don't Need A Costume, You Are Superman.

Kids

Needs

Costumes

You'll Fold Faster Than Superman On Laundry Day

Laundry

Faster

Pta

Why Is It Illegal To Park In A Handicapped Parking Space But Okay To Go The Bathroom In A Handicapped Stall?

Space

Parks

Bathroom

To Me, If Life Boils Down To One Thing, It's Movement. To Live Is To Keep Moving.

Moving

Life Is Good

Movement

You Know Why Dogs Have No Money? No Pockets. 'cause They See Change On The Street All The Time And It's Driving Them Crazy. When You're Walking Them, He Is Always Looking Up At You. "there's A Quarter...."

Funny

Dog

Crazy

No Encounter, Mouth Open Up ... That Is How The Drug Businesses See The General Public.

Drug

Encounters

Mouths

Not That There's Anything Wrong With That.

Memorable

Kramer

Thirsty

See, You Know How To Take The Reservation, You Just Don't Know How To Hold The Reservation And That's Really The Most Important Part Of The Reservation, The Holding. Anybody Can Just Take Them.

Important

Reservations

Know How

When Someone Does A Small Task Beautifully, Their Whole Environment Is Affected By It.

Doe

Tasks

Environment

Magazines Are Another Medium I Love, Because 95% Is Simply Based On 'how The Hell Are We Going To Fill All This Blank Space?

Love Is

Space

Magazines

The Peak Of Being A Fan Is A Hotdog And A Beer And A Seat At The Game. There's Nothing Above That. Nothing Above It.

Beer

Games

Fans

Sex, That’s Meaningless, I Can Understand That, But Dinner; That’s Heavy. That’s Like An Hour.

Sex

Dinner

Hours

I Know There Are Kids Out There, I Want To Make Sure They All Know That Driving Without Braking Is Not Something I Recommend, Unless You Have Professional Clown Training Or A Comedy Background, As I Do. It Is Not Something I Plan To Make A Habit.

Kids

Training

Want

I See Tv Ads About Detergents That Can Get Blood Stains Out Of Your Cloths. I Say If You Have Blood Stains On Your Cloths You Should Be Thinking About Something Other Than Laundry.

Thinking

Blood

Clothes

People Have An Infinite Attention Span If You Are Entertaining Them.

People

Attention

Infinite

You Know What I Never Get With The Limo? The Tinted Windows. Is That So People Don't See You? Yeah, What A Better Way Not To Have People Notice You Than Taking A Thirty Foot Cadillac With A Tv Antenna And A Uniformed Driver. How Discreet. Nobody Cares Who's In The Limo. You See A Limo Go By, You Know It's Either Some Rich Jerk Or Fifty Prom Kids With $1.75 Each.

Kids

Feet

People

We Sold 'seinfeld' All Over The World But It Was A Very Specific Kind Of Show. In Some Countries It Went Down Really Well, In Others They Hated It.

Country

World

Kind

Would Somebody Please Explain To Me Those Signs That Say, "no Animals Allowed Except For Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who Is That Sign For? Is It For The Dog, Or The Blind Person?

Dog

Eye

Animal

See, The Thing Of It Is, There's A Lot Of Ugly People Out There Walking Around But They Don't Know They're Ugly Because Nobody Actually Tells Them.

People

Ugly

Walking

I Am Freaking Out! I Am Freaking Out, Man!

Freaking Out

I Like Definitive Things.

Keep Your Head Up In Failure And Your Head Down In Success.

Success

Failure

Not Giving Up

Having Done Quite A Bit With Studios And Networks, I Thought If I'm Going To Do Something New And Unformed, It Would Be Fun To Do It In A Completely New Space And Place. The Space Being The Internet And The Place Being Crackle.

Fun

Space

Would Be

The Big Advantage Of A Book Is That It's Very Easy To Rewind. Close It And You're Right Back At The Beginning.

Funny

Reading

Book

What's With This Weird Hotel Custom Of Leaving A Piece Of Chocolate On The Pillow? I Awoke Thinking My Brain Had Hemorrhaged Some Sort Of Fecal Matter.

Thinking

Leaving

Chocolate

I Prefer The Old Theaters Because The Audience Is... Trapped.

Theater

Audience

Trapped

You Can Be Passionate About Anything.

Passionate

Why Would Anybody Want A Friend?

Funny Friend

Want

There Are More Social Skills Required To Talk One-on-one [than To An Audience]. You Don't Have To Be Socially Fluid To Talk To Two Thousand People.

Skills

Two

People

So Let Me Get This Straight. You Find Yourself In The Kitchen. You See An éclair In The Receptacle... And You Think To Yourself: "what The Hell, I'll Just Eat Some Trash."

Thinking

Kitchen

Finding Yourself

We Got The Hot Fudge On The Bottom.... That Allows You To Control The Fudge Distribution While You're Eating Your Ice Cream.

Ice Cream

Hot

Fudge

Golf Is The Ultimate Avoidance Activity For The Dysfunctional Dad. A Game So Nonsensically Difficult, So Pointless, So Irrationally Time Consuming, The Word Golf Itself Can Only Stand For ‘get Out, Leave Family.’

Dad

Golf

Games

In My World, The Wronger Something Feels, The Righter It Is.

World

Feels

Then, Finally, The Third Year, Begging The Parents, I Got The Superman Halloween Costume. Cardboard Box, Self-made Top, Mask Included. Remember The Rubber Band On The Back Of That Mask? That Was A Quality Item There, Wasn't It? That Was Good For About 10 Seconds Before It Snapped Out Of That Cheap Little Staple They Put It In There With.

Halloween

Self

Years

Can't You At Least Die With A Little Dignity?

Littles

Dignity

Dies

If People Would Only Look To The Cookie, All Our Problems Would Be Solved.

People

Would Be

Looks

If You Can't Be Kind, At Least Have The Decency To Be Vague.

Funny

Humor

Be Kind

On The Side Of Box Of My Superman Costume It Actually Said - 'do Not Attempt To Fly!'

Costumes

Sides

Boxes

I Love Advertising Because I Love Lying.

Lying

Advertising

I Have No Plants In My House. They Won't Live For Me. Some Of Them Don't Even Wait To Die, They Commit Suicide.

Suicide

Suicidal

House

What The Hell, I'll Just Eat Some Trash.

Eclairs

Gymnast

Hell

Well, All Comedy Starts With Anger. You Get Angry, And Its Never For A Good Reason, Right? You Know Its Not A Good Reason. And Then You Try And Work It From There.

Anger

Trying

Comedy

All I Ever Wanted To Do Is Make People Laugh.

People

Laughing

Making People Laugh

Work Is The Least Important Thing And Family Is The Most Important.

Inspirational

Important

Important Things

Pay Attention; Don't Let Life Go By You. Fall In Love With The Back Of Your Cereal Box.

Falling In Love

Cereal

Attention

You Know The Message You're Sending Out To The World With These Sweatpants? You're Telling The World, 'i Give Up. I Can't Compete In Normal Society. I'm Miserable, So I Might As Well Be Comfortable.

Giving Up

World

Might

I Like Any Cereal. I Like The Idea Of Just Eating And Drinking With One Hand Without Looking.

Drinking

Cereal

Hands

Sometimes The Road Less Traveled Is Less Traveled For A Reason.

Life

Sarcastic

Travel

I Think Vacations Are Mostly Completely Stupid. Going To Have Coffee With A Friend, You're Probably Going To Have More Fun Than If You Go To Aruba.

Fun

Stupid

Coffee

What's The Point Of Dating Without Games? How Do You Know If You're Winning Or Losing?

Winning

Games

Dating

I Love Advertising Because I Love Lying. I Think Spending Your Life Trying To Dupe Innocent People Out Of Hard-won Earnings To Buy Useless, Low-quality, Misrepresented Items And Services Is An Excellent Use Of Your Energy.

Wisdom

Lying

Thinking

People Who Read The Tabloids Deserve To Be Lied To.

Hilarious

Lying

People

Dating Is Pressure And Tension. What Is A Date, Really, But A Job Interview That Lasts All Night?

Inspirational

Motivational

Jobs

This Is One Of My Big Things Of Creative Pursuits. You Have Your Idea You Want To Do, But Then You Got To Figure Out What Does This Thing Want To Be? You Got To Let It Lead You A Little.

Ideas

Creative

Want

Everybody In New York City Knows There's Way More Cars Than Parking Spaces. You See Cars Driving In New York All Hours Of The Night. Its Like Musical Chairs Except Everybody Sat Down Around 1964.

Funny

New York

Humorous

I Wonder If Illiterate People Get The Full Effect Of Alphabet Soup?

Education

Humor

People

Sometimes I Think More Creativity Is Put Into Muffin Recipes Than Into The Rest Of Society Combined.

Creativity

Thinking

Recipes

I Like To Try Anything... You Have To Do The Experiments To Find Out What The Formulas Are.

Trying

Formulas

Experiments

The Irs! They're Like The Mafia, They Can Take Anything They Want!

Funny

Mafia

Irs

Did You Know That The Original Title For War And Peace Was War, What Is It Good For?

War

Titles

Marine Biologist

Why Does Mcdonald's Have To Count Every Burger That They Sell? What Is Their Ultimate Goal? Do They Want Cows To Surrender Voluntarily?

Mcdonalds

Goal

Want

Let's Examine The Dog Mind: Every Time You Come Home, He Thinks It's Amazing. He Can't Believe That You've Accomplished This Again. You Walk In The Door. The Joy Of It Almost Kills Him. "he's Back Again! It's That Guy! It's That Guy!"

Funny

Friendship

Dog

I Wonder Is Illiterate People Know The Full Meaning Of Alphabet Soup?

People

Soup

Alphabet

The Truth Is, The Family Is Much More Creatively Nourishing Because You're Playing On A Full Keyboard. Whereas When You're Single, You're Just Playing The Upbeat Jazzy Tunes.

Tunes

Keyboards

Truth Is

It's Amazing That The Amount Of News That Happens In The World Every Day Always Just Exactly Fits The Newspaper.

Funny

Witty

Humorous

Men Want The Same Thing From Their Underwear That They Want From Women: A Little Bit Of Support, And A Little Bit Of Freedom.

Funny

Birthday

Epic

When You Interrupt, You've Stopped Listening. People Need To Be Heard.

People

Listening

Needs

What Causes Homophobia? What Is It That Makes The Heterosexual Man Worry About This? I Think It's Because Deep Down All Men Know That We Have Weak Sales Resistance. We're Constantly Buying Shoes That Hurt Us, Pants That Don't Fit Right. Men Think, 'obviously I Can Be Talked Into Anything. What If I Accidentally Wander Into Some Sort Of Homosexual Store Thinking It's A Shoe Store And The Salesmen Says, 'just Hold This Guy's Hand, Walk Around A Little Bit, See How It Feels. No Obligation, No Pressure, Just Try It.'

Hurt

Men

Thinking

That's The True Spirit Of Christmas; People Being Helped By People Other Than Me.

Funny

Christmas

People

Seems To Me The Basic Conflict Between Men And Women, Sexually, Is That Men Are Like Firemen. To Men, Sex Is An Emergency, And No Matter What We're Doing We Can Be Ready In Two Minutes. Women, On The Other Hand, Are Like Fire. They're Very Exciting, But The Conditions Have To Be Exactly Right For It To Occur.

Sex

Funny Relationship

Men

Most People, You Do A Tv Series, It Ends Three, Four, Five Years Later; It's A Relic.

Years

People

Tvs

Marriage Is Like A Game Of Chess Except The Board Is Flowing Water, The Pieces Are Made Of Smoke And No Move You Make Will Have Any Effect On The Outcome.

Love

Relationship

Moving

I Had A Dream Last Night That A Hamburger Was Eating Me.

Dream

Night

Hamburgers

Why Is Mcdonalds Still Counting? How Insecure Is This Company? 40 Million, 80 Billion Million Jillion Killion Tillion... Who Cares? Is Anyone Really Impressed By That Any More? Ooh, 89 Billion Sold? All Right, I'll Have One! I'm Satisfied! I'd Like To Tell The Ceo Of Mcdonalds, "look. We All Get It, Okay? You've Sold A Lot Of Hamburgers. Whatever The Number Is, Just Put Up A Sign, 'mcdonalds: We're Doing Very Well.' We Are Tired Of Hearing About Every Goddamn One Of Them."

Tired

Insecure

Numbers

For People On My Side Of The Cubicle, The Goal Is Always Creativity. Spending Your Time Overcoming Corporate Resistance To Creativity - I Just Don't Want To Do That.

Creativity

People

Goal

After You Get A Job And Before You Have To Do It. Nothing Beats That.

Funny

Jobs

Work

You Know How Your Charger For Your Phone? It's Like If You Had A Charger For Your Whole Body And Mind

Phones

Mind

Body

I Had A Parakeet That Used To Fly Around The House And Crash Into These Huge Mirrors My Mother Put In. Ever Heard Of This Interior Design Principle, That A Mirror Makes It Seem Like You Have An Entire Other Room? What Kind Of Jerk Walks Up To A Mirror And Goes, Hey Look, There's A Whole Other Room In There. There's A Guy That Looks Just Like Me In There.

Mother

Mirrors

Guy

We're All Trying To Get To The Same Island — Whether You Swim, Fly, Surf, Or Skydive, It Doesn't Matter. What Matters Is When The Red Light Goes On.

What Matters

Islands

Light

Having A 2 Year Old Is Like Having A Blender That You Don't Have The Top For.

Years

Blenders

The Only Way A Show Works Is You Find People Who You Think Are Qualified And Talented And You Give Them A Chance To Do What They Do.

Thinking

People

Giving

I Think That You Think That A Certain Something Is Not All That It Could Be, When, In Fact, It Is All That It Should Be, And More!

Thinking

Facts

Should

That's Why Breakups Take Two Or Three Times- To Build Up Immunity.

Breakup

Two

Three

I Have A Friend Who's Collecting Unemployment Insurance. This Guy Has Never Worked So Hard In His Life As He Has To Keep This Thing Going. He's Down There Every Week, Waiting On The Lines And Getting Interviewed And Making Up All These Lies About Looking For Jobs. If They Had Any Idea Of The Effort And Energy That He Is Expending To Avoid Work, I'm Sure They'd Give Him A Raise.

Jobs

Lying

Ideas

I Was The Best Man At The Wedding... If I'm The Best Man, Why Is She Marrying Him?

Wedding

Men

Ifs

A Recent Survey Stated That The Average Person's Greatest Fear Is Having To Give A Speech In Public. Somehow This Ranked Even Higher Than Death Which Was Third On The List. So, You're Telling Me That At A Funeral, Most People Would Rather Be The Guy In The Coffin Than Have To Stand Up And Give A Eulogy.

Greatest Fear

Average

People

You Know, Crankiness Is At The Essence Of All Comedy.

Essence

Comedy

Crankiness

Of Course, Everyone Wants To Be Healthy. The Amusing Thing Is No One's Really Sure How To Do It.

Health

Want

Amusing

The Padded Outfits, The Bad Scripts, The Phony-looking Sets... He Dealt With It All. He Had To. He Was Superman.

Scripts

Phony

Outfits

I Mean, She's Giving And Caring And Genuinely Concerned About The Welfare Of Others. I Can't Be With Someone Like That.

Mean

Caring

Giving

We Want To Do A Lot Of Stuff; We're Not In Great Shape, We Didn't Get A Good Night's Sleep, We're A Little Depressed. Coffee Solves All These Problems In One Delightful Little Cup.

Good Night

Coffee

Sleep

Life Is Truly A Ride. We're All Strapped In And No One Can Stop It.... I Think That The Most You Can Hope For At The End Of Life Is That Your Hair's Messed, You're Out Of Breath, And You Didn't Throw Up.

Thinking

Hair

Life Is

Well, Birthdays Are Merely Symbolic Of How Another Year Has Gone By And How Little We've Grown. No Matter How Desperate We Are That Someday A Better Self Will Emerge, With Each Flicker Of The Candles On The Cake, We Know It's Not To Be, That For The Rest Of Our Sad, Wretched Pathetic Lives, This Is Who We Are To The Bitter End. Inevitably, Irrevocably; Happy Birthday? No Such Thing.

Birthday

Self

Years

Cremation Has Become The Most Popular Form Of Burial In The United States... People Used To Want A Big, Thick Granite Stone, Their Names Carved Into With A Chisel. I Was Here Dammit! Cremation Is Like You're Trying To Cover Up A Crime. Burn The Body. Scatter The Ashes Around. As Far As Anyone's Concerned This Whole Thing Never Happened.

Names

People

Trying

I Always Did Well On The Essay Questions. Just Put Everything You Know On There, Maybe You'll Hit It.

Wells

Essays

Knows

And I'll Tell Ya, I'm Really Enjoying This Marriage Thing. You Think About Each Other. You Care About Each Other. It's Wonderful! Plus, I Love Saying 'my Wife.' Once I Started Saying It, I Couldn't Stop - 'my Wife' This, 'my Wife' That...it's An Amazing Way To Begin A Sentence.

Thinking

Wife

Care

[i Like To] Engage With Funny People, Or Weird People, Or, You Know, Kind Of Off People. [whereas When I Meet] Anybody Who's ... Normal ... I'm Not Curious, I'm Not Interested.

People

Normal

Kind

I'll Tell You One Thing, Since I'm Married, Single People Look Absolutely Ridiculous To Me.

People

Looks

Ridiculous

Some Of The Events In The Olympics Don't Make Sense To Me. I Don't Understand The Connection To Any Reality... Like In The Winter Olympics They Have That Biathlon That Combines Cross-country Skiing With Shooting A Gun. How Many Alpine Snipers Are Into This? Ski, Shoot A Gun... Ski, Bang, Bang, Bang... It's Like Combining Swimming And Strangling A Guy. Why Don't We Have That? That Makes Absolutely As Much Sense To Me. Just Put People In The Pool At The End Of Each Lane For The Swimmers.

Funny

Country

Winter

Any Day You Had Gym Class Was A Weird School Day. It Started Off Normal. You Had English, Social Studies, Geometry, Then Suddenly Your In Lord Of The Flies For 40 Minutes. Your Hanging From A Rope, You Have Hardly Any Clothes On, Teachers Are Yelling At You, Kids Are Throwing Dodge Balls At You And Snapping Towels - You're Trying To Survive. And Then It's Science,language, And History. Now That Is A Weird Day.

Teacher

School

Kids

We Know The Product Is Going To Stink. We Know That Because We Live In The World, And We Know That Everything Stinks. We All Believe, Hey, Maybe This One Wont Stink. We Are A Hopeful Species. Stupid But Hopeful. But Were Happy In That Moment Between The Commercial And The Purchase. And I Think Spending Your Life Trying To Dupe Innocent People Out Of Hard-won Earnings To Buy Useless, Low-quality, Misrepresented Items And Services Is An Excellent Use Of Your Energy.

Stupid

Believe

Thinking

Have You Ever Noticed How They Keep Improving Your Laundry Detergent, But They Still Can't Get Those Blue Flakes Out? Why Do We Trust Them To Get Our Clothes Clean? These Guys Can't Even Get The Detergent White!

Blue

White

Clothes

Sometimes They'll Make Little Play-doh Animals, And When They Go To Sleep, I'll Break The Heads Off The Animals And Put Them At The Foot Of Their Beds For Them To Discover In The Morning. Nothing Wrong With Sending Your Kids A Little Sicilian Message.

Morning

Sleep

Kids

I Was In Front Of An Ambulance The Other Day, And I Noticed That The Word Ambulance Was Spelled In Reverse Print On The Hood Of The Ambulance. And I Thought, Well, Isn't That Clever. I Look In The Rear-view Mirror; I Can Read The Word Ambulance Behind Me. Of Course While You're Reading, You Don't See Where You're Going, You Crash. You Need An Ambulance. I Think They're Trying To Drum Up Some Business On The Way Back From Lunch.

Clever

Reading

Thinking

I Have A Nice Bookshelf In My Office, But Not My House. I'm Crass, But Not That Crass.

Nice

Office

House

Writer's Block Is A Phony, Made Up, Bs Excuse For Not Doing Your Work.

Block

Writing

Excuse

You Know Why Fish Are So Thin? They Eat Fish.

Inspirational

Fishes

Knows

Wise Is What You Want To Be. Smart Is Easy Compared To Wise.

Wise

Smart

Want

There Are Many Things You Can Point To As Proof That The Human Is Not Smart. But My Personal Favorite Would Have To Be That We Needed To Invent The Helmet. What Was Happening, Apparently, Was That We Were Involved In A Lot Of Activities That Were Cracking Our Heads. We Chose Not To Avoid Doing Those Activities But, Instead, To Come Up With Some Sort Of Device To Help Us Enjoy Our Head-cracking Lifestyles.

Smart

Helping

Lifestyle

Taking In A Baseball Game On Tv Is Also A Big Treat.

Baseball

Games

Tvs

Did You Ever Notice, When You Are Sitting At A Red Light, That When The Person In Front Of You Pulls Up A Couple Of Inches, You Are Compelled To Move Up Too? Do We Really Think We Are Making Progress Toward Our Destination? "whew, I Thought We Would Be Late, But Now That I Am Nine Inches Closer, I Can Stop For Coffee And A Danish!"

Couple

Coffee

Moving

I Am A Very Organized Person. I Get Up At 6:15 A.m., The Kids Get Up At 6:45 A.m., And So I Get Up And Get It In. I’m Addicted To The High Function. To Me It’s A Work Thing - If You Meditate, You Can Get So Much Work Done. I Always Say To People You Know How About Three Nights A Year You Get A Good Night Sleep? You Can Have It Every Day With Meditation.

Good Night

Sleep

Kids

It Reminds Me Of Like This Pathetic Friend That Everybody Had When They Were A Little Kid Who Would Let You Borrow Any Of His Stuff If You Would Just Be His Friend. That's What The Library Is. A Government Funded Pathetic Friend.

Kids

Funny Friend

Government

I'll Tell You What I Like About Chinese People: They're Hanging In There With The Chop Sticks, Aren't They? You Know They've Seen The Fork. They're Staying With The Sticks.

Funny

People

Chinese

These Pretzels Are Making Me Thirsty!

Thirsty

Pretzels

Sometimes You Can Do Certain Things On Stage, Or Even In A Tv Series, And People See The Look On Your Face And They Know What You Mean, So You Can Get Away With Certain Things. But If You Can't Create That Look On An Animated Character, Which Is Essentially A Puppet, The Line Will Hit The Audience In A Very Bad Way.

Character

Mean

People

Why Does That Pharmacist Have To Be Two And A Half Feet Higher Than Everybody Else? Who The Hell Is This Guy? "clear Out, Everybody. I'm Working With Pills Up Here. I'm Taking Them From This Big Bottle And Then I'm Gonna Put Them In The Little Bottle. That's My Whole Job. I Can't Be Down On The Floor With You People."

Funny

Jobs

Two

That's The Most Comfortable Place For Me. In The Beginning, Yes, I Was Nervous Going On Stage. I Was Not A Natural Performer. I Really Had To Acquire That Skill.

Skills

Nervous

Natural

There Is No Such Thing As An Attention Span. There Is Only The Quality Of What You Are Viewing. This Whole Idea Of An Attention Span Is, I Think, A Misnomer. People Have An Infinite Attention Span If You Are Entertaining Them.

Thinking

Ideas

People

What I Don't Understand Is How Women Can Pour Hot Wax On Their Bodies, Let It Dry, Then Rip Out Every Single Hair By Its Root And Still Be Scared Of Spiders.

Inspirational

Funny

Motivational

What's The Deal With Ovaltine? It Comes In A Round Container, You Put It In A Round Glass, Why Don't They Call It Roundtine?

Glasses

Deals

Containers

I Was In The Drug Store The Other Day Trying To Get A Cold Medication...not Easy. There's An Entire Wall Of Products You Need. You Stand There Going,"well, This One Is Quick Acting But This Is Long Lasting...which Is More Important, The Present Or The Future?"

Change

Wall

Long

I Know I'm Not Going To Understand Women. I'll Never Understand How You Can Take Boiling Hot Wax, Pour It Onto Your Upper Thigh, Rip The Hair Out By The Root, And Still Be Afraid Of A Spider.

Rip

Roots

Hair

Understanding Quotes: Their Essence and Application

Quotes, or quotations, are powerful tools in communication, encapsulating ideas, emotions, and wisdom in concise expressions. They serve various purposes across different contexts, from academic writing to everyday conversation.

1. Defining Quotes

A quote is a repetition of someone else's statement or thoughts. It can be a direct replication of words spoken or written by another individual, often used to support arguments, provide evidence, or convey profound insights.

2. The Importance of Quotes

2.1. Enhancing Credibility

Incorporating quotes from authoritative sources can bolster the credibility of your work. By referencing experts or primary sources, you demonstrate thorough research and a solid foundation for your arguments.

2.2. Providing Evidence

Quotes serve as concrete evidence to support claims. In academic and professional writing, they validate points made, offering readers a basis to trust the information presented.

2.3. Conveying Emotions and Perspectives

Quotes can encapsulate emotions and perspectives succinctly. They allow writers to express complex feelings or viewpoints through the words of others, often more eloquently than paraphrasing.

3. Types of Quotes

3.1. Direct Quotes

Direct quotes involve copying the exact words from a source, enclosed in quotation marks. They are used when the original wording is significant or particularly well-expressed.

3.2. Indirect Quotes (Paraphrasing)

Indirect quotes restate the original message in your own words. While not enclosed in quotation marks, they still require proper attribution to the original source.

3.3. Block Quotes

Block quotes are lengthy direct quotations, formatted as a separate block of text. They are typically used for quotes exceeding a certain length, varying by citation style. For instance, in APA style, quotes longer than 40 words are formatted as block quotes.

4. Proper Usage of Quotes

4.1. Contextual Relevance

Ensure that the quote you choose is relevant to the topic and adds value to your content. Avoid inserting quotes solely for decorative purposes.

4.2. Integration into Your Writing

Seamlessly integrate quotes into your writing. Introduce them appropriately and follow up with analysis or commentary to connect them to your main points.

4.3. Attribution and Citation

Always attribute quotes to their original authors and provide proper citations according to the required style guide (APA, MLA, Chicago, etc.).

5. Common Mistakes to Avoid

5.1. Overusing Quotes

Relying too heavily on quotes can overshadow your voice. Use them sparingly to support your arguments, not replace them.

5.2. Lack of Analysis

Presenting a quote without analysis or explanation can leave readers questioning its relevance. Always follow up with your interpretation or discussion.

5.3. Misquoting or Taking Out of Context

Ensure that quotes are accurate and not taken out of context, as this can mislead readers and undermine your credibility.

6. Quotes in Different Contexts

6.1. Academic Writing

In academic writing, quotes are used to support arguments, provide evidence, and engage with existing literature. Proper citation is crucial to avoid plagiarism.

6.2. Journalism

Journalists use quotes to provide firsthand accounts, add authenticity, and present multiple perspectives within a story.

6.3. Literature and Creative Writing

In literature, quotes can be used to convey character voices, themes, and stylistic elements. They enrich narratives and provide depth to storytelling.

7. Punctuation and Formatting

Understanding the correct punctuation and formatting of quotes is essential:

Quotation Marks: Always enclose direct quotes within quotation marks.

Punctuation Placement: In American English, periods and commas are placed inside quotation marks, while colons and semicolons are placed outside.

Block Quotes: For longer quotes, format them as block quotes without quotation marks, and indent the entire block.

8. Ethical Considerations

Ethical use of quotes involves accurate representation, proper attribution, and respect for intellectual property. Misuse can lead to plagiarism, which carries serious academic and professional consequences.

9. Tools for Managing Quotes

Utilize tools like citation generators and plagiarism checkers to manage quotes effectively. These tools help ensure proper formatting and originality in your writing.

Conclusion

Quotes are invaluable in enriching content, providing evidence, and conveying complex ideas succinctly. When used appropriately, they enhance the quality and credibility of your writing. Always ensure relevance, proper integration, and ethical usage to maximize their impact.

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