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I Do Not Know Why Anyone Would Host An Awards Show. No Matter How Unbelievably Well You Do At It, The Only Thing That Can Happen Is You Get Asked Again To Host An Awards Show.

-Jerry Seinfeld

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I Do Not Know

Jerry Seinfeld

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I Do Not Know Why Anyone Would Host An Awards Show. No Matter How Unbelievably Well You Do At It, The Only Thing That Can Happen Is You Get Asked Again To Host An Awards Show.

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You Don't Even Really Need A Place. But You Feel Like You're Doing Something. That Is What Coffee Is. And That Is One Of The Geniuses Of The New Coffee Culture.

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The Beatles Created Something That Never Trailed Off. What A Gift That Was To Their Fans. If You're Into The Beatles, You Loved Them From Beginning To End.

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I Have A Problem With That Silver Medal. It's Like, 'congratulation S, You Almost Won. Of All The Losers, You're The Number One Loser. No One Lost Ahead Of You.'

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I Have A Problem With The Strip That Runs Along The Bottom Of The News Programs. Don't These Idiots Who Run The News Programs Know We Don't Want To Read? That's Why We're Watching Tv.

You Know How Your Charger For Your Phone? It's Like If You Had A Charger For Your Whole Body And Mind

I Have No Plants In My House. They Won't Live For Me. Some Of Them Don't Even Wait To Die, They Commit Suicide.

Being A Good Husband Is Like Being A Good Stand-up Comic - You Need Ten Years Before You Can Even Call Yourself A Beginner.

I See Tv Ads About Detergents That Can Get Blood Stains Out Of Your Cloths. I Say If You Have Blood Stains On Your Cloths You Should Be Thinking About Something Other Than Laundry.

I Love The Day Date. No Wine, No Shower.

What's The Point Of Dating Without Games? How Do You Know If You're Winning Or Losing?

Well, Sometimes We Do Actually Have To Get Up Early, But A Man Will Always Trade Sleep For Sex.

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Your Blessing In Life Is When You Find The Torture You're Comfortable With.

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The Truth Is, I Had Always Wanted To Be A Comedian, But I Really Didn't Have That Kind Of Personality, And It's A Terrifying Thing To Say.

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I Am Speechless: I Have No Speech

I Don't Want To Hear The Specials. If They're So Special, Put 'em On The Menu.

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I Once Had A Leather Jacket That Got Ruined In The Rain. Why Does Moisture Ruin Leather? Aren't Cows Outside A Lot Of The Time? When It's Raining, Do Cows Go Up To The Farmhouse, "let Us In! We're All Wearing Leather! Open The Door! We're Going To Ruin The Whole Outfit Here!"

Leather Jackets

The Four Levels Of Comedy: Make Your Friends Laugh, Make Strangers Laugh, Get Paid To Make Strangers Laugh, And Make People Talk Like You Because It's So Much Fun.

Strangers And Friends

What Would The World Be Like If People Said Whatever They Were Thinking, All The Time, Whenever It Came To Them? How Long Would A Blind Date Last? About 13 Seconds, I Think. Oh, Sorry, Your Rear End Is Too Big. That's Ok, Your Breath Stinks Anyway. See You Later.

Why Does That Pharmacist Have To Be Two And A Half Feet Higher Than Everybody Else? Who The Hell Is This Guy? "clear Out, Everybody. I'm Working With Pills Up Here. I'm Taking Them From This Big Bottle And Then I'm Gonna Put Them In The Little Bottle. That's My Whole Job. I Can't Be Down On The Floor With You People."

Men Don't Care What's On Tv. They Only Care What Else Is On Tv.

Keep Your Head Up In Failure And Your Head Down In Success.

Surveys Show That The #1 Fear Of Americans Is Public Speaking. #2 Is Death. That Means That At A Funeral, The Average American Would Rather Be In The Casket Than Doing The Eulogy.

You Know, Crankiness Is At The Essence Of All Comedy.

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Somebody Just Gave Me A Shower Radio. Thanks A Lot. Do You Really Want Music In The Shower? I Guess There's No Better Place To Dance Than A Slick Surface Next To A Glass Door.

I Was In Front Of An Ambulance The Other Day, And I Noticed That The Word Ambulance Was Spelled In Reverse Print On The Hood Of The Ambulance. And I Thought, Well, Isn't That Clever. I Look In The Rear-view Mirror; I Can Read The Word Ambulance Behind Me. Of Course While You're Reading, You Don't See Where You're Going, You Crash. You Need An Ambulance. I Think They're Trying To Drum Up Some Business On The Way Back From Lunch.

Well, Howard Stern Has Been Doing His Impression Of Me For Years. It Doesn't Really Bother Me.

I Wonder If Illiterate People Get The Full Effect Of Alphabet Soup?

A Bookstore Is One Of The Only Pieces Of Evidence We Have That People Are Still Thinking.

I'll Tell You One Thing, Since I'm Married, Single People Look Absolutely Ridiculous To Me.

People Don't Think Of Their Office As A Workplace Anymore. They Think Of It As A Stationary Store With Danish. You Want To Get Your Pastry, Your Envelopes, Your Supplies, Your Toilet Paper, Six Cups Of Coffee, And You Go Home.

Fatherhood Makes You Cute. Women Find Bumbling Fathers Cute And Attractive.

What I Don't Understand Is How Women Can Pour Hot Wax On Their Bodies, Let It Dry, Then Rip Out Every Single Hair By Its Root And Still Be Scared Of Spiders.

The Truth Is, The Family Is Much More Creatively Nourishing Because You're Playing On A Full Keyboard. Whereas When You're Single, You're Just Playing The Upbeat Jazzy Tunes.

Did You Know That The Original Title For War And Peace Was War, What Is It Good For?

Marine Biologist

There Is No Such Thing As An Attention Span. There Is Only The Quality Of What You Are Viewing. This Whole Idea Of An Attention Span Is, I Think, A Misnomer. People Have An Infinite Attention Span If You Are Entertaining Them.

People On Dates Shouldn't Even Be Allowed Out In Public.

Kids Don't Say, "wait." They Say, "wait Up, Hey Wait Up!" Because When You're Little, Your Life Is Up. The Future Is Up. Everything You Want Is Up. "hold Up. Shut Up! Mum, I'll Clean Up. Let Me Stay Up!" Parents, Of Course, Are Just The Opposite. Everything Is Down. "just Calm Down. Slow Down. Come Down Here! Sit Down. Put... That... Down."

I Know There Are Kids Out There, I Want To Make Sure They All Know That Driving Without Braking Is Not Something I Recommend, Unless You Have Professional Clown Training Or A Comedy Background, As I Do. It Is Not Something I Plan To Make A Habit.

Cry When You Get A Golden Globe. Then You Can Get An Oscar Nomination.

Seems To Me The Basic Conflict Between Men And Women, Sexually, Is That Men Are Like Firemen. To Men, Sex Is An Emergency, And No Matter What We're Doing We Can Be Ready In Two Minutes. Women, On The Other Hand, Are Like Fire. They're Very Exciting, But The Conditions Have To Be Exactly Right For It To Occur.

Funny Relationship

I Feel Like Humor Is The Answer To Everything. If You Have A Little Bit Of Humor In The Shaker And You Can Sprinkle That On, That's Your Answer.

The Human Body Is Like A Condominium. The Thing That Keeps You From Really Enjoying It Is The Maintenance.

The Hardest Thing In Comedy Is To Have The Biggest Laugh At The End, And It’s The Most Satisfying Thing.

I Have A Friend Who's Collecting Unemployment Insurance. This Guy Has Never Worked So Hard In His Life As He Has To Keep This Thing Going. He's Down There Every Week, Waiting On The Lines And Getting Interviewed And Making Up All These Lies About Looking For Jobs. If They Had Any Idea Of The Effort And Energy That He Is Expending To Avoid Work, I'm Sure They'd Give Him A Raise.

There's No Downside To Fame And People Who Whine About It Make Me Sick. It's The Greatest Thing In The World.

The Big Advantage Of A Book Is That It's Very Easy To Rewind. Close It And You're Right Back At The Beginning.

It's Hard To Do Nothing Because You Tend To Do Something And Then You Have To Drop Everything.

A Chef Who Doesn't Wash His Hands Is Like A Cop Who Steals. It's A Cry For Help.

Everybody In New York City Knows There's Way More Cars Than Parking Spaces. You See Cars Driving In New York All Hours Of The Night. Its Like Musical Chairs Except Everybody Sat Down Around 1964.

Magazines Are Another Medium I Love, Because 95% Is Simply Based On 'how The Hell Are We Going To Fill All This Blank Space?

Men Want To Make Women Happy.

You Can Measure Distance By Time. 'how Far Away Is It?' 'oh About 20 Minutes.' But It Doesn't Work The Other Way. 'when Do You Get Off Work?' 'around 3 Miles.'

These Pretzels Are Making Me Thirsty!

I Love Energy. I Love It. And I Pursue It, And I Want More Of It. Physical And Mental Energy, To Me, Are The Greatest Riches Of Human Life. And Tm Is Like A Free Account Of An Endless Amount Of It.

What The Hell, I'll Just Eat Some Trash.

Having A 2 Year Old Is Like Having A Blender That You Don't Have The Top For.

I Like Definitive Things.

I'll Tell You What I Like About Chinese People: They're Hanging In There With The Chop Sticks, Aren't They? You Know They've Seen The Fork. They're Staying With The Sticks.

I Think The Answer Is We All Need A Little Help, And The Coffee's A Little Help With Everything — Social, Energy, Don't Know What To Do Next, Don't Know How To Start My Day, Don't Know How To Get Through This Afternoon, Don't Know How To Stay Alert. We Want To Do A Lot Of Stuff; We're Not In Great Shape. We Didn't Get A Good Night's Sleep. We're A Little Depressed. Coffee Solves All These Problems In One Delightful Little Cup.

Of Course, Everyone Wants To Be Healthy. The Amusing Thing Is No One's Really Sure How To Do It.

You'll Fold Faster Than Superman On Laundry Day

Dating Is Pressure And Tension. What Is A Date, Really, But A Job Interview That Lasts All Night?

If People Would Only Look To The Cookie, All Our Problems Would Be Solved.

The Best Revenge Is Living Well.

People Who Read The Tabloids Deserve To Be Lied To.

The Worst Thing About Television Is That Everybody You See On Television Is Doing Something Better Than What You're Doing. You Never See Anybody On Tv Just Sliding Off The Front Of The Sofa, With Potato Chip Crumbs All Over Their Shirt.

If Airline Seat Cushions Are Such Great Flotation Devices, Why Don't You Ever See Anyone Take One To The Beach?

If You Can't Be Kind, At Least Have The Decency To Be Vague.

The Idea Behind The Tuxedo Is The Woman's Point Of View That Men Are All The Same; So We Might As Well Dress Them That Way. That's Why A Wedding Is Like The Joining Together Of A Beautiful, Glowing Bride And Some Guy. The Tuxedo Is A Wedding Safety Device, Created By Women Because They Know That Men Are Undependable. So In Case The Groom Chickens Out, Everybody Just Takes One Step Over, And She Marries The Next Guy.

I Love Advertising Because I Love Lying. I Think Spending Your Life Trying To Dupe Innocent People Out Of Hard-won Earnings To Buy Useless, Low-quality, Misrepresented Items And Services Is An Excellent Use Of Your Energy.

I Only Do A Show When There's Somebody I Want To Talk To.

What's With This Weird Hotel Custom Of Leaving A Piece Of Chocolate On The Pillow? I Awoke Thinking My Brain Had Hemorrhaged Some Sort Of Fecal Matter.

The Greatest Thing About Being A Comedian Is Knowing Other Comedians. And You Get To Talk To Them. Its The Most Fun.

Writer's Block Is A Phony, Made Up, Bs Excuse For Not Doing Your Work.

You Can Tell What Was The Best Year Of Your Father's Life, Because They Seem To Freeze That Clothing Style And Ride It Out.

There's No Way That Moving In With Your Parents Is A Sign That Your Life Is On Track.

There Is No More Embarrassing Thing In My Life Than The Fact That I Have Actually Uttered The Phrase, 'i Would Like To Order The Ginsu Knife.'

All Magic Is 'here’s A Quarter, Now It’s Gone. You’re A Jerk. Now It’s Back. You’re An Idiot. Show’s Over.'

You Know Why Dogs Have No Money? No Pockets. 'cause They See Change On The Street All The Time And It's Driving Them Crazy. When You're Walking Them, He Is Always Looking Up At You. "there's A Quarter...."

You Can Be Passionate About Anything.

Men Like A Ref Decision Because They Just Want To Get Back To The Game.

My Parents Didn't Want To Move To Florida, But They Turned Sixty And That's The Law.

Funny Relationship

When Men Are Growing Up And They're Reading About Batman, Spiderman, Superman ... Those Are Not Fantasies ... They're Options.

The Luge Is The Only Olympic Event Where You Could Have People Competing In It Against Their Will, And It Would Look Exactly The Same. Take People Off The Street, 'hey, Hey, Hey, What Is This?! I Don't Wanna Be In The Luge!' Once You Put That Helmet On Them, 'you're In The Luge, Buddy!' 'aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa... Aaaaaaaa...' World Record. Didn't Even Wanna Do It. I'd Like To See That Next Olympics, The Involuntary Luge.

Why Is It When You Turn On The Tv You See Ads For Telephone Companies, And When You Turn On The Radio You Hear Ads For Tv Shows, And When You Get Put On Hold On The Phone You Hear A Radio Station?

I'd Like To Do One Of Those Jumps They Do In The Movies; In A Car, Over A Bridge, In The Air With A Huge Explosion. It Would Be A Final Moment Of Entertainment.

Can't You At Least Die With A Little Dignity?

This Is Really A Crazy Idea, You Know. It Probably Won't Work, But That Will Be Interesting, Too. You Have To Motivate Yourself With Challenges. That's How You Know You're Still Alive. Once You Start Doing Only What You've Already Proven You Can Do, You're On The Road To Death.

If I Want A Long, Boring Story With No Point To It, I Have My Life.

A Dog Will Stay Stupid. That's Why We Love Them So Much. The Entire Time We Know Them, They're Idiots. Think Of Your Dog. Every Time You Come Home, He Thinks It's Amazing. He Has No Idea How You Accomplish This Every Day. You Walk In The Door; The Joy Of This Experience Overwhelms Him. He Looks At You, He's Back. It's That Guy, That Same Guy. He Can't Believe It. Everything Is Amazing To Your Dog. Another Can Of Food? I Don't Believe It.

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Madeleine M. Kunin

Anthony Burgess

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