I Do Not Know Why Anyone Would Host An Awards Show. No Matter How Unbelievably Well You Do At It, The Only Thing That Can Happen Is You Get Asked Again To Host An Awards Show.

-Jerry Seinfeld

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I Do Not Know

Jerry Seinfeld

I Do Not Know Why Anyone Would Host An Awards Show. No Matter How Unbelievably Well You Do At It, The Only Thing That Can Happen Is You Get Asked Again To Host An Awards Show.

Topic

Awards

Matter

Host

More From Jerry Seinfeld

A Recent Survey Stated That The Average Person's Greatest Fear Is Having To Give A Speech In Public. Somehow This Ranked Even Higher Than Death Which Was Third On The List. So, You're Telling Me That At A Funeral, Most People Would Rather Be The Guy In The Coffin Than Have To Stand Up And Give A Eulogy.

Greatest Fear

Average

People

People Don't Just Bump Into Each Other And Have Sex. This Isn't Cinemax.

Sex

People

Bumps

I'm In The Unfortunate Position Of Having To Consider Other People's Feelings

People

Feelings

Unfortunate

It's Like Having... You Know, Your Phone Has A Charger, Right? It's Like Having A Charger For Your Whole Body And Mind. That's What Transcendental Meditation Is!

Phones

Meditation

Mind

I Was In Front Of An Ambulance The Other Day, And I Noticed That The Word Ambulance Was Spelled In Reverse Print On The Hood Of The Ambulance. And I Thought, Well, Isn't That Clever. I Look In The Rear-view Mirror; I Can Read The Word Ambulance Behind Me. Of Course While You're Reading, You Don't See Where You're Going, You Crash. You Need An Ambulance. I Think They're Trying To Drum Up Some Business On The Way Back From Lunch.

Clever

Reading

Thinking

I Hate The Waiting Room. Because It's Called The Waiting Room, There's No Chance Of Not Waiting. It's Built, Designed, And Intended For Waiting. Why Would They Take You Right Away When They've Got This Room All Set Up?

Hate

Waiting Rooms

Chance

A Dog Will Stay Stupid. That's Why We Love Them So Much. The Entire Time We Know Them, They're Idiots. Think Of Your Dog. Every Time You Come Home, He Thinks It's Amazing. He Has No Idea How You Accomplish This Every Day. You Walk In The Door; The Joy Of This Experience Overwhelms Him. He Looks At You, He's Back. It's That Guy, That Same Guy. He Can't Believe It. Everything Is Amazing To Your Dog. Another Can Of Food? I Don't Believe It.

Dog

Stupid

Believe

The Best Revenge Is Living Well.

Revenge

Live Well

Wells

But I Don't Want To Be A Pirate!

Pirate

Golf Is The Ultimate Avoidance Activity For The Dysfunctional Dad. A Game So Nonsensically Difficult, So Pointless, So Irrationally Time Consuming, The Word Golf Itself Can Only Stand For ‘get Out, Leave Family.’

Dad

Golf

Games

It Reminds Me Of Like This Pathetic Friend That Everybody Had When They Were A Little Kid Who Would Let You Borrow Any Of His Stuff If You Would Just Be His Friend. That's What The Library Is. A Government Funded Pathetic Friend.

Kids

Funny Friend

Government

Economy Is Essential To All Good Art.

Art

Essentials

Economy

Well, Birthdays Are Merely Symbolic Of How Another Year Has Gone By And How Little We've Grown. No Matter How Desperate We Are That Someday A Better Self Will Emerge, With Each Flicker Of The Candles On The Cake, We Know It's Not To Be, That For The Rest Of Our Sad, Wretched Pathetic Lives, This Is Who We Are To The Bitter End. Inevitably, Irrevocably; Happy Birthday? No Such Thing.

Birthday

Self

Years

See, The Thing Of It Is, There's A Lot Of Ugly People Out There Walking Around But They Don't Know They're Ugly Because Nobody Actually Tells Them.

People

Ugly

Walking

Fatherhood Makes You Cute. Women Find Bumbling Fathers Cute And Attractive.

Cute

Father

Fatherhood

Now They Show You How Detergents Take Out Bloodstains, A Pretty Violent Image There. I Think If You've Got A T-shirt With A Bloodstain All Over It, Maybe Laundry Isn't Your Biggest Problem.maybe You Should Get Rid Of The Body Before You Do The Wash.

Funny

Hilarious

Witty

After You Get A Job And Before You Have To Do It. Nothing Beats That.

Funny

Jobs

Work

Keep Your Head Up In Failure And Your Head Down In Success.

Success

Failure

Not Giving Up

There Is No Such Thing As Fun For The Whole Family.

Funny

Family

Children

This Is One Of My Big Things Of Creative Pursuits. You Have Your Idea You Want To Do, But Then You Got To Figure Out What Does This Thing Want To Be? You Got To Let It Lead You A Little.

Ideas

Creative

Want

Maybe If We Lie Down Our Brains Will Work.

Lying

Brain

Ifs

The Hardest Thing In Comedy Is To Have The Biggest Laugh At The End, And It’s The Most Satisfying Thing.

Laughing

Ends

I Can Walk Through A Hotel Lobby And Watch People At The Desk And See What They're Doing. People Don't Look At Me. They Don't Even Know I'm There.

Hotel Lobby

People

Watches

Having A 2 Year Old Is Like Having A Blender That You Don't Have The Top For.

Years

Blenders

That's The Most Comfortable Place For Me. In The Beginning, Yes, I Was Nervous Going On Stage. I Was Not A Natural Performer. I Really Had To Acquire That Skill.

Skills

Nervous

Natural

All I Ever Wanted To Do Is Make People Laugh.

People

Laughing

Making People Laugh

Why Is It Illegal To Park In A Handicapped Parking Space But Okay To Go The Bathroom In A Handicapped Stall?

Space

Parks

Bathroom

If Airline Seat Cushions Are Such Great Flotation Devices, Why Don't You Ever See Anyone Take One To The Beach?

Beach

Airline

Devices

Sex, That’s Meaningless, I Can Understand That, But Dinner; That’s Heavy. That’s Like An Hour.

Sex

Dinner

Hours

That's The True Spirit Of Christmas; People Being Helped By People Other Than Me.

Funny

Christmas

People

They Seal The Subway Change-booth Guy Up Inside This Thing With Bullet-proof Glass, Closed In On All Sides, It's Like Some Kind Of Houdini Torture Tank Of Doom. How Do You Breathe In There? It Looks Like If You Put Your Hand Over The Change Slot, You Could Suffocate Him In Thirty Seconds.

Funny

Glasses

Hands

I Was In The Drug Store The Other Day Trying To Get A Cold Medication...not Easy. There's An Entire Wall Of Products You Need. You Stand There Going,"well, This One Is Quick Acting But This Is Long Lasting...which Is More Important, The Present Or The Future?"

Change

Wall

Long

Your Blessing In Life Is When You Find The Torture You're Comfortable With.

Blessing

Life Is

Torture

Our Good Time Is Sitting In A Coffee Shop With A Newspaper, Writing A Line On The Back Of A Napkin. That Is The Most Fun Comedians Ever Have

Fun

Coffee

Writing

The Irs! They're Like The Mafia, They Can Take Anything They Want!

Funny

Mafia

Irs

Boy, I Miss The Days They Made Toys That Could Kill A Kid.

Kids

Boys

Missing

I Had A Parakeet That Used To Fly Around The House And Crash Into These Huge Mirrors My Mother Put In. Ever Heard Of This Interior Design Principle, That A Mirror Makes It Seem Like You Have An Entire Other Room? What Kind Of Jerk Walks Up To A Mirror And Goes, Hey Look, There's A Whole Other Room In There. There's A Guy That Looks Just Like Me In There.

Mother

Mirrors

Guy

Can't You At Least Die With A Little Dignity?

Littles

Dignity

Dies

Any Day You Had Gym Class Was A Weird School Day. It Started Off Normal. You Had English, Social Studies, Geometry, Then Suddenly Your In Lord Of The Flies For 40 Minutes. Your Hanging From A Rope, You Have Hardly Any Clothes On, Teachers Are Yelling At You, Kids Are Throwing Dodge Balls At You And Snapping Towels - You're Trying To Survive. And Then It's Science,language, And History. Now That Is A Weird Day.

Teacher

School

Kids

Everybody Lies About Sex. People Lie During Sex. If It Weren't For Lies, There'd Be No Sex.

Sex

Lying

People

I Wonder Is Illiterate People Know The Full Meaning Of Alphabet Soup?

People

Soup

Alphabet

Magazines Are Another Medium I Love, Because 95% Is Simply Based On 'how The Hell Are We Going To Fill All This Blank Space?

Love Is

Space

Magazines

I Didn't Know Every Day I Would Be Discussing The Tone Of My Voice With My Wife. I Thought It Was A Marriage. Apparently, It's A Musical.

Voice

Wife

Funny Marriage

I Have No Plants In My House. They Won't Live For Me. Some Of Them Don't Even Wait To Die, They Commit Suicide.

Suicide

Suicidal

House

Once You Start Doing Only What You've Already Proven You Can Do, You're On The Road To Death.

Crazy Ideas

Can Do

Proven

These Pretzels Are Making Me Thirsty!

Thirsty

Pretzels

One Day I Was Watching These Construction Workers Go Back To Work. I Was Watching Them Kind Of Trudging Down The Street. It Was Like A Revelation To Me. I Realized These Guys Don’t Want To Go Back To Work After Lunch. But They’re Going. That’s Their Job. If They Can Exhibit That Level Of Dedication For That Job I Should Be Able To Do The Same. Trudge Your Ass In.

Jobs

Dedication

Construction Workers

I Have A Problem With That Silver Medal. It's Like, 'congratulation S, You Almost Won. Of All The Losers, You're The Number One Loser. No One Lost Ahead Of You.'

Congratulations

Numbers

Loser

I've Compiled A Book From The Internet. It's A Book Of Quotations Attributed To The Wrong People.

Book

People

Internet

Dating Is Pressure And Tension. What Is A Date, Really, But A Job Interview That Lasts All Night?

Inspirational

Motivational

Jobs

I Mean, She's Giving And Caring And Genuinely Concerned About The Welfare Of Others. I Can't Be With Someone Like That.

Mean

Caring

Giving

The Only Way A Show Works Is You Find People Who You Think Are Qualified And Talented And You Give Them A Chance To Do What They Do.

Thinking

People

Giving

I Love The Day Date. No Wine, No Shower.

Wine

Showers

Did You Ever Notice, When You Are Sitting At A Red Light, That When The Person In Front Of You Pulls Up A Couple Of Inches, You Are Compelled To Move Up Too? Do We Really Think We Are Making Progress Toward Our Destination? "whew, I Thought We Would Be Late, But Now That I Am Nine Inches Closer, I Can Stop For Coffee And A Danish!"

Couple

Coffee

Moving

The Truth Is, The Family Is Much More Creatively Nourishing Because You're Playing On A Full Keyboard. Whereas When You're Single, You're Just Playing The Upbeat Jazzy Tunes.

Tunes

Keyboards

Truth Is

I Like Any Cereal. I Like The Idea Of Just Eating And Drinking With One Hand Without Looking.

Drinking

Cereal

Hands

So The First Time You Hear The Concept Of Halloween When You're A Kid Your Brain Can't Even Process The Information. You're Like: "what Is This? What Did You Say?" "what Did You Say About Giving Out Candy? Who's Giving Out Candy?" "everyone That We Know Is Just Giving Out Candy!"

Halloween

Kids

Giving

It's Hard To Do Nothing Because You Tend To Do Something And Then You Have To Drop Everything.

Inspirational

Hard

You Know What I Never Get With The Limo? The Tinted Windows. Is That So People Don't See You? Yeah, What A Better Way Not To Have People Notice You Than Taking A Thirty Foot Cadillac With A Tv Antenna And A Uniformed Driver. How Discreet. Nobody Cares Who's In The Limo. You See A Limo Go By, You Know It's Either Some Rich Jerk Or Fifty Prom Kids With $1.75 Each.

Kids

Feet

People

Celebrity Is No Different From Any Other Energy. It's A Force For Good Or Evil. It's No Different From Money. It's Power.

Evil

Energy

Different

I Wonder If Illiterate People Get The Full Effect Of Alphabet Soup?

Education

Humor

People

Dogs Have No Money. Isn't That Amazing? They're Broke Their Entire Lives. But They Get Through. You Know Why Dogs Have No Money? .. No Pockets.

Funny

Inspiring

Dog

Having Done Quite A Bit With Studios And Networks, I Thought If I'm Going To Do Something New And Unformed, It Would Be Fun To Do It In A Completely New Space And Place. The Space Being The Internet And The Place Being Crackle.

Fun

Space

Would Be

There's A Tremendous Power And Energy In Sharing Your Life With Another Person.

Energy

Persons

Pain Is Usually Represented By Lightning Attacking The Guy. Glowing Redness Is Also Popular. Sometimes Parts Of The Guy Would Just Burst Into Flames.

Pain

Glowing

Flames

People Have An Infinite Attention Span If You Are Entertaining Them.

People

Attention

Infinite

Make No Mistake About Why These Babies Are Here - They Are Here To Replace Us.

Baby

Funny Life

Mistake

Cry When You Get A Golden Globe. Then You Can Get An Oscar Nomination.

Oscars

Nominations

Golden

I Am A Very Organized Person. I Get Up At 6:15 A.m., The Kids Get Up At 6:45 A.m., And So I Get Up And Get It In. I’m Addicted To The High Function. To Me It’s A Work Thing - If You Meditate, You Can Get So Much Work Done. I Always Say To People You Know How About Three Nights A Year You Get A Good Night Sleep? You Can Have It Every Day With Meditation.

Good Night

Sleep

Kids

Well, Howard Stern Has Been Doing His Impression Of Me For Years. It Doesn't Really Bother Me.

Years

Impression

Bother

Looking At Cleavage Is Like Looking At The Sun. You Don't Stare At It, It's Too Risky. You Get A Sense Of It And Then You Look Away.

Looks

Sun

Staring

Comedy Is Just Complaining In An Entertaining Way, Enterplaining.

Complaining

Way

Comedy

Nothing In Life Is Fun For The Whole Family. There Are No Massage Parlors With Ice Cream And Free Jewelry.

Funny

Ice Cream

Massage

To Me, If Life Boils Down To One Thing, It's Movement. To Live Is To Keep Moving.

Moving

Life Is Good

Movement

Why Would You Want To Work For A Living If You Could Just Joke Around? Being A Celebrity Expands Your Commercial Possibilities.

Want

Fame

Possibility

Of Course, Everyone Wants To Be Healthy. The Amusing Thing Is No One's Really Sure How To Do It.

Health

Want

Amusing

You Know, Crankiness Is At The Essence Of All Comedy.

Essence

Comedy

Crankiness

Every Day When Everybody Would Have Lunch I Would Do Tm [transcendental Meditation] And Then I Would Eat While I Was Working Because I Had Missed Lunch But That Is How I Survived The 9 Years [of Seinfeld], It Was That 20 Minutes In The Middle Of The Day Would Save Me.

Years

Lunch

Meditation

Ever Noticed That No Matter What Happens In One Day, It Exactly Fits In The Newspaper?

One Day

Matter

Fit

Why Do People Give Each Other Flowers? To Celebrate Various Important Occasions, They’re Killing Living Creatures? Why Restrict It To Plants? 'sweetheart, Let’s Make Up. Have This Deceased Squirrel.

Funny

Flower

Squirrels

Well, Sometimes We Do Actually Have To Get Up Early, But A Man Will Always Trade Sleep For Sex.

Sex

Sleep

Men

Having Fun Is A Very Particular Skill. And Not Everyone Has That Skill.

Fun

Skills

Having Fun

Sometimes You Can Do Certain Things On Stage, Or Even In A Tv Series, And People See The Look On Your Face And They Know What You Mean, So You Can Get Away With Certain Things. But If You Can't Create That Look On An Animated Character, Which Is Essentially A Puppet, The Line Will Hit The Audience In A Very Bad Way.

Character

Mean

People

There Is Nothing More Rewarding Than Completing A Goal You Have Set For Yourself.

Life

Goal

Completing

What Causes Homophobia? What Is It That Makes The Heterosexual Man Worry About This? I Think It's Because Deep Down All Men Know That We Have Weak Sales Resistance. We're Constantly Buying Shoes That Hurt Us, Pants That Don't Fit Right. Men Think, 'obviously I Can Be Talked Into Anything. What If I Accidentally Wander Into Some Sort Of Homosexual Store Thinking It's A Shoe Store And The Salesmen Says, 'just Hold This Guy's Hand, Walk Around A Little Bit, See How It Feels. No Obligation, No Pressure, Just Try It.'

Hurt

Men

Thinking

Why Is Commitment Such A Big Problem For A Man? I Think That For Some Reason When A Man Is Driving Down That Freeway Of Love, The Woman He's With Is Like An Exit, But He Doesn't Want To Get Off There. He Wants To Keep Driving. And The Woman Is Like, "look, Gas, Food, Lodging, That's Our Exit, That's Everything We Need To Be Happy... Get Off Here, Now!" But The Man Is Focusing On The Sign Underneath That Says, "next Exit 27 Miles," And He Thinks, "i Can Make It."

Funny Love

Commitment

Thinking

The Four Levels Of Comedy: Make Your Friends Laugh, Make Strangers Laugh, Get Paid To Make Strangers Laugh, And Make People Talk Like You Because It's So Much Fun.

Laughter

Fun

Strangers And Friends

I'll Tell You One Of The Great Activities Is Skateboarding. To Learn To Do A Skateboard Trick, How Many Times Do You Gotta Get Something Wrong Til You Get It Right? ...and You Hurt Yourself, And You Learn To Do That Trick, Now You Got A Life Lesson. Every Time I See Those Skateboard Kids, I Think 'those Kids'll Be Alright.'

Hurt

Life Lesson

Kids

I Love How You Just Make Coffee And Then Somehow Something Gets Done.

Coffee

Done

The Truth Is, I Had Always Wanted To Be A Comedian, But I Really Didn't Have That Kind Of Personality, And It's A Terrifying Thing To Say.

Personality

Comedian

Kind

What's The Deal With Ovaltine? It Comes In A Round Container, You Put It In A Round Glass, Why Don't They Call It Roundtine?

Glasses

Deals

Containers

I Don't Want To Hear The Specials. If They're So Special, Put 'em On The Menu.

Special

Ems

Want

I Wrote An Article On A New Porsche For 'automobile Magazine.' I Knew The Editor, And She Asked Me To Write This Article. So I'm More Proud Of That Than Anything.

Writing

Editors

Magazines

The Luge Is The Only Olympic Event Where You Could Have People Competing In It Against Their Will, And It Would Look Exactly The Same. Take People Off The Street, 'hey, Hey, Hey, What Is This?! I Don't Wanna Be In The Luge!' Once You Put That Helmet On Them, 'you're In The Luge, Buddy!' 'aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa... Aaaaaaaa...' World Record. Didn't Even Wanna Do It. I'd Like To See That Next Olympics, The Involuntary Luge.

People

Olympics

When You Interrupt, You've Stopped Listening. People Need To Be Heard.

People

Listening

Needs

Life Is Truly A Ride. We're All Strapped In And No One Can Stop It.... I Think That The Most You Can Hope For At The End Of Life Is That Your Hair's Messed, You're Out Of Breath, And You Didn't Throw Up.

Thinking

Hair

Life Is

I Was The Best Man At The Wedding... If I'm The Best Man, Why Is She Marrying Him?

Wedding

Men

Ifs

For People On My Side Of The Cubicle, The Goal Is Always Creativity. Spending Your Time Overcoming Corporate Resistance To Creativity - I Just Don't Want To Do That.

Creativity

People

Goal

People Who Read The Tabloids Deserve To Be Lied To.

Hilarious

Lying

People

There Is No Such Thing As An Attention Span. There Is Only The Quality Of What You Are Viewing. This Whole Idea Of An Attention Span Is, I Think, A Misnomer. People Have An Infinite Attention Span If You Are Entertaining Them.

Thinking

Ideas

People

The Idea Behind The Tuxedo Is The Woman's Point Of View That Men Are All The Same; So We Might As Well Dress Them That Way. That's Why A Wedding Is Like The Joining Together Of A Beautiful, Glowing Bride And Some Guy. The Tuxedo Is A Wedding Safety Device, Created By Women Because They Know That Men Are Undependable. So In Case The Groom Chickens Out, Everybody Just Takes One Step Over, And She Marries The Next Guy.

Beautiful

Men

Ideas

If People Would Only Look To The Cookie, All Our Problems Would Be Solved.

People

Would Be

Looks

In My World, The Wronger Something Feels, The Righter It Is.

World

Feels

Pay Attention; Don't Let Life Go By You. Fall In Love With The Back Of Your Cereal Box.

Falling In Love

Cereal

Attention

Isn't It Weird That We Drink Milk, Stuff Designed To Nourish Baby Cows? How Did That Happen? Did Some Cattleman Once Say, "oh, Man, I Can't Wait Till Them Calves Are Done So I Can Get Me A Hit Of That Stuff."

Baby

Men

Drink Milk

What Is The Story With The Airport Sinks, That They Will Not Give Us A Twist-on Twist-off Human Faucet. "is It That Too Risky For The Human Population? We Have To Do The One-handed Pain-in-the-ass Alcatraz-style Faucets. "what Is It They Think We Will Do? Turn 'em All On Full, Run Out Into The Parking Lot, Laughing, Pushing Each Other Into The Bushes?

Running

Pain

Thinking

Airline Hostesses Show You How To Use A Seatbelt In Case You Haven't Been In A Car Since 1965.

Funny

Travel

Car

Marriage Is Like A Game Of Chess Except The Board Is Flowing Water, The Pieces Are Made Of Smoke And No Move You Make Will Have Any Effect On The Outcome.

Love

Relationship

Moving

You Can Be Passionate About Anything.

Passionate

Artists Are Always Looking For New Things And Fresh Ground And Fresh Air. If It Feels New To Me, There's A Chance It'll Feel New To The Audience And We'll Have Found Something.

Artist

Air

Chance

The Human Body Is Like A Condominium. The Thing That Keeps You From Really Enjoying It Is The Maintenance.

Maintenance

Body

Enjoy

I Wish I Was A Phone Machine. I Wish If I Saw Somebody On The Street I Didn't Want To Talk To I Could Just Go, "excuse Me, I'm Not Here Right Now, If You Just Leave A Message, I Can Walk Away."

Humorous

Phones

Wish

What Is This Obsession People Have With Books? They Put Them In Their Houses Like They're Trophies. What Do You Need It For After You Read It?

Book

People

House

Why Does That Pharmacist Have To Be Two And A Half Feet Higher Than Everybody Else? Who The Hell Is This Guy? "clear Out, Everybody. I'm Working With Pills Up Here. I'm Taking Them From This Big Bottle And Then I'm Gonna Put Them In The Little Bottle. That's My Whole Job. I Can't Be Down On The Floor With You People."

Funny

Jobs

Two

Women Go After Doctors Like Men Go After Models. They Want Someone With Knowledge Of The Body. We Just Want The Body.

Men

Doctors

Body

Kids Don't Say, "wait." They Say, "wait Up, Hey Wait Up!" Because When You're Little, Your Life Is Up. The Future Is Up. Everything You Want Is Up. "hold Up. Shut Up! Mum, I'll Clean Up. Let Me Stay Up!" Parents, Of Course, Are Just The Opposite. Everything Is Down. "just Calm Down. Slow Down. Come Down Here! Sit Down. Put... That... Down."

Kids

Opposites

Waiting

If Every Instinct You Have Is Wrong, Then The Opposite Would Have To Be Right.

Opposites

Instinct

Ifs

Fear Of Success Is One Of The New Fears I've Heard About Lately. And I Think Its Definitely A Sign That We're Running Out Of Fears. A Person Suffering From Fear Of Success Is Scraping The Bottom Of The Fear Barrel.

Running

Thinking

Suffering

Let's Examine The Dog Mind: Every Time You Come Home, He Thinks It's Amazing. He Can't Believe That You've Accomplished This Again. You Walk In The Door. The Joy Of It Almost Kills Him. "he's Back Again! It's That Guy! It's That Guy!"

Funny

Friendship

Dog

And That's When I Realized, When You're A Kid You Don't Need A Costume, You Are Superman.

Kids

Needs

Costumes

A Movie Is Kind Of Like Being The Captain Of A Ship, Which Is Nice, But When I Perform By Myself It's Just Surfing On The Water And Nobody Really Knows What Happens.

Nice

Water

Surfing

Anyone Who Would Laugh At A Recital Is Probably Some Sort Of Lunatic Anyway. I Mean, Only A Sick, Twisted Mind Could Be That Rude And Ignorant.

Mean

Sick

Laughing

I Think The Answer Is We All Need A Little Help, And The Coffee's A Little Help With Everything — Social, Energy, Don't Know What To Do Next, Don't Know How To Start My Day, Don't Know How To Get Through This Afternoon, Don't Know How To Stay Alert. We Want To Do A Lot Of Stuff; We're Not In Great Shape. We Didn't Get A Good Night's Sleep. We're A Little Depressed. Coffee Solves All These Problems In One Delightful Little Cup.

Good Night

Coffee

Sleep

You Don't Even Really Need A Place. But You Feel Like You're Doing Something. That Is What Coffee Is. And That Is One Of The Geniuses Of The New Coffee Culture.

Coffee

Needs

Culture

The Greatest Jewish Tradition Is To Laugh. The Cornerstone Of Jewish Survival Has Always Been To Find Humor In Life And In Ourselves.

Jewish Tradition

Laughing

Survival

The Whole Object Of Comedy Is To Be Yourself And The Closer You Get To That, The Funnier You Will Be.

Being Yourself

Comedy

Whole

I Love Meeting Israeli People. They Look At Me Like A Son

Son

Israel

People

My Parents Didn't Want To Move To Florida, But They Turned Sixty And That's The Law.

Moving

Funny Relationship

Florida

I've Been Car Crazy My Whole Life, Since I Was Nine Years Old. It's Just Something I'm Very Aware Of.

Crazy

Years

Car

If Professional Wrestling Did Not Exist, Could You Come Up With This Idea? Could You Envision The Popularity Of Huge Men In Tiny Bathing Suits, Pretending To Fight?

Wrestling

Fighting

Men

I Love Energy. I Love It. And I Pursue It, And I Want More Of It. Physical And Mental Energy, To Me, Are The Greatest Riches Of Human Life. And Tm Is Like A Free Account Of An Endless Amount Of It.

Energy

Want

Riches

To Me A Lawyer Is Basically The Person That Knows The Rules Of The Country. We're All Throwing The Dice, Playing The Game, Moving Our Pieces Around The Board, But If There's A Problem, The Lawyer Is The Only Person That Has Actually Read The Inside Of The Top Of The Box.

Country

Moving

Games

You Know You're Getting Old When You Get That One Candle On The Cake. It's Like, 'see If You Can Blow This Out.'

Happy Birthday

Funny Birthday

Blow

People Don't Think Of Their Office As A Workplace Anymore. They Think Of It As A Stationary Store With Danish. You Want To Get Your Pastry, Your Envelopes, Your Supplies, Your Toilet Paper, Six Cups Of Coffee, And You Go Home.

Funny

Work

Coffee

If You Can't Be Kind, At Least Have The Decency To Be Vague.

Funny

Humor

Be Kind

You Have To Motivate Yourself With Challenges. That's How You Know You're Still Alive.

Challenges

Alive

Crazy Ideas

I Had A Dream Last Night That A Hamburger Was Eating Me.

Dream

Night

Hamburgers

If I Want A Long, Boring Story With No Point To It, I Have My Life.

Long

Stories

Want

Somebody Just Gave Me A Shower Radio. Thanks A Lot. Do You Really Want Music In The Shower? I Guess There's No Better Place To Dance Than A Slick Surface Next To A Glass Door.

Funny

Music

Humorous

The First Real Thought That I Had Of Something That I Might Do Was To Write For Car Magazines, Because I Always Had A Car Thing.

Real

Writing

Car

I Like Definitive Things.

Some Of The Events In The Olympics Don't Make Sense To Me. I Don't Understand The Connection To Any Reality... Like In The Winter Olympics They Have That Biathlon That Combines Cross-country Skiing With Shooting A Gun. How Many Alpine Snipers Are Into This? Ski, Shoot A Gun... Ski, Bang, Bang, Bang... It's Like Combining Swimming And Strangling A Guy. Why Don't We Have That? That Makes Absolutely As Much Sense To Me. Just Put People In The Pool At The End Of Each Lane For The Swimmers.

Funny

Country

Winter

This Is Really A Crazy Idea, You Know. It Probably Won't Work, But That Will Be Interesting, Too. You Have To Motivate Yourself With Challenges. That's How You Know You're Still Alive. Once You Start Doing Only What You've Already Proven You Can Do, You're On The Road To Death.

Crazy

Ideas

Interesting

The Beatles Created Something That Never Trailed Off. What A Gift That Was To Their Fans. If You're Into The Beatles, You Loved Them From Beginning To End.

Fans

Ends

Ifs

Seems To Me The Basic Conflict Between Men And Women, Sexually, Is That Men Are Like Firemen. To Men, Sex Is An Emergency, And No Matter What We're Doing We Can Be Ready In Two Minutes. Women, On The Other Hand, Are Like Fire. They're Very Exciting, But The Conditions Have To Be Exactly Right For It To Occur.

Sex

Funny Relationship

Men

Not That There's Anything Wrong With That.

Memorable

Kramer

Thirsty

You Know Why Fish Are So Thin? They Eat Fish.

Inspirational

Fishes

Knows

I Love Advertising Because I Love Lying.

Lying

Advertising

There's No Way That Moving In With Your Parents Is A Sign That Your Life Is On Track.

Family

Moving

Track

Why Would Anybody Want A Friend?

Funny Friend

Want

I Am So Busy Doing Nothing... That The Idea Of Doing Anything - Which As You Know, Always Leads To Something - Cuts Into The Nothing And Then Forces Me To Have To Drop Everything.

Witty

Time

Cutting

If You Go To A Bad Movie, It's Two Hours. If You're In A Bad Movie, It's Two Years.

Movie

Years

Two

What The Hell, I'll Just Eat Some Trash.

Eclairs

Gymnast

Hell

Then, Finally, The Third Year, Begging The Parents, I Got The Superman Halloween Costume. Cardboard Box, Self-made Top, Mask Included. Remember The Rubber Band On The Back Of That Mask? That Was A Quality Item There, Wasn't It? That Was Good For About 10 Seconds Before It Snapped Out Of That Cheap Little Staple They Put It In There With.

Halloween

Self

Years

There Are More Social Skills Required To Talk One-on-one [than To An Audience]. You Don't Have To Be Socially Fluid To Talk To Two Thousand People.

Skills

Two

People

I Think Vacations Are Mostly Completely Stupid. Going To Have Coffee With A Friend, You're Probably Going To Have More Fun Than If You Go To Aruba.

Fun

Stupid

Coffee

Cremation Has Become The Most Popular Form Of Burial In The United States... People Used To Want A Big, Thick Granite Stone, Their Names Carved Into With A Chisel. I Was Here Dammit! Cremation Is Like You're Trying To Cover Up A Crime. Burn The Body. Scatter The Ashes Around. As Far As Anyone's Concerned This Whole Thing Never Happened.

Names

People

Trying

The Greatest Thing About Being A Comedian Is Knowing Other Comedians. And You Get To Talk To Them. Its The Most Fun.

Fun

Knowing

Comedian

The Toughest Nights When I Was A Young, Unknown Comedian Were Opening For These Real Old-time Italian Singers. I'm Like Grace Jones To Them. "this Guy Is Nuts-talking About Socks. Where's The Wife Jokes, Where's The Fat Jokes?"

Funny

Real

Night

There's No Downside To Fame And People Who Whine About It Make Me Sick. It's The Greatest Thing In The World.

People

Sick

World

The Worst Thing About Television Is That Everybody You See On Television Is Doing Something Better Than What You're Doing. You Never See Anybody On Tv Just Sliding Off The Front Of The Sofa, With Potato Chip Crumbs All Over Their Shirt.

Doing You

Television

Potato Chips

I Like To Try Anything... You Have To Do The Experiments To Find Out What The Formulas Are.

Trying

Formulas

Experiments

You'll Fold Faster Than Superman On Laundry Day

Laundry

Faster

Pta

What Would The World Be Like If People Said Whatever They Were Thinking, All The Time, Whenever It Came To Them? How Long Would A Blind Date Last? About 13 Seconds, I Think. Oh, Sorry, Your Rear End Is Too Big. That's Ok, Your Breath Stinks Anyway. See You Later.

Sorry

Thinking

Dating

There's More To Life Than Making Shallow, Fairly Obvious Observations.

Shallow

More To Life

Obvious

I Think It's Funny To Be Delicate With Subjects That Are Explosive.

Funny

Thinking

Comedy

Have You Ever Seen That Guy Who Has The Record For Fattest Man In The World? Bob Hughes, The Fattest Man In The World... 1400 Pounds. Ladies And Gentlemen, The Man Has Let Himself Go.

Men

Guy

Gentleman

If A Book About Failures Doesn't Sell, Is It A Success?

Inspirational

Funny

Hilarious

We Know The Product Is Going To Stink. We Know That Because We Live In The World, And We Know That Everything Stinks. We All Believe, Hey, Maybe This One Wont Stink. We Are A Hopeful Species. Stupid But Hopeful. But Were Happy In That Moment Between The Commercial And The Purchase. And I Think Spending Your Life Trying To Dupe Innocent People Out Of Hard-won Earnings To Buy Useless, Low-quality, Misrepresented Items And Services Is An Excellent Use Of Your Energy.

Stupid

Believe

Thinking

There Are Many Things You Can Point To As Proof That The Human Is Not Smart. But My Personal Favorite Would Have To Be That We Needed To Invent The Helmet. What Was Happening, Apparently, Was That We Were Involved In A Lot Of Activities That Were Cracking Our Heads. We Chose Not To Avoid Doing Those Activities But, Instead, To Come Up With Some Sort Of Device To Help Us Enjoy Our Head-cracking Lifestyles.

Smart

Helping

Lifestyle

I Have A Friend Who's Collecting Unemployment Insurance. This Guy Has Never Worked So Hard In His Life As He Has To Keep This Thing Going. He's Down There Every Week, Waiting On The Lines And Getting Interviewed And Making Up All These Lies About Looking For Jobs. If They Had Any Idea Of The Effort And Energy That He Is Expending To Avoid Work, I'm Sure They'd Give Him A Raise.

Jobs

Lying

Ideas

I Always Did Well On The Essay Questions. Just Put Everything You Know On There, Maybe You'll Hit It.

Wells

Essays

Knows

Did You Know That The Original Title For War And Peace Was War, What Is It Good For?

War

Titles

Marine Biologist

Surveys Show That The #1 Fear Of Americans Is Public Speaking. #2 Is Death. That Means That At A Funeral, The Average American Would Rather Be In The Casket Than Doing The Eulogy.

Mean

Average

Funeral

I'll Tell You What I Like About Chinese People: They're Hanging In There With The Chop Sticks, Aren't They? You Know They've Seen The Fork. They're Staying With The Sticks.

Funny

People

Chinese

When Someone Does A Small Task Beautifully, Their Whole Environment Is Affected By It.

Doe

Tasks

Environment

Actually, The Only Memory I Have Of Being A Cub Scout Was Trying To Get My Hat Back. That Was All I Did. Run Back And Forth At My Bus Stop Going "quit It."

Running

Memories

Bus Stops

The Peak Of Being A Fan Is A Hotdog And A Beer And A Seat At The Game. There's Nothing Above That. Nothing Above It.

Beer

Games

Fans

The Swiss Have An Interesting Army. Five Hundred Years Without A War. Pretty Impressive. Also Pretty Lucky For Them. Ever Seen That Little Swiss Army Knife They Have To Fight With? Not Much Of A Weapon There. Corkscrews. Bottle Openers. ‘come On, Buddy, Let’s Go. You Get Past Me, The Guy In The Back Of Me, He’s Got A Spoon. Back Off, I’ve Got The Toe Clippers Right Here.

Funny

War

Fighting

According To Most Studies, People's Number One Fear Is Public Speaking. Number Two Is Death. Death Is Number Two. Does That Sound Right? This Means To The Average Person, If You Go To A Funeral, You're Better Off In The Casket Than Doing The Eulogy.

Funny

Motivational

Death

Men Like A Ref Decision Because They Just Want To Get Back To The Game.

Men

Games

Decision

A Bookstore Is One Of The Only Pieces Of Evidence We Have That People Are Still Thinking.

Book

Reading

Learning

I Only Do A Show When There's Somebody I Want To Talk To.

Want

Shows

I'll Tell You One Thing, Since I'm Married, Single People Look Absolutely Ridiculous To Me.

People

Looks

Ridiculous

I Love Advertising Because I Love Lying. I Think Spending Your Life Trying To Dupe Innocent People Out Of Hard-won Earnings To Buy Useless, Low-quality, Misrepresented Items And Services Is An Excellent Use Of Your Energy.

Wisdom

Lying

Thinking

We're All Trying To Get To The Same Island — Whether You Swim, Fly, Surf, Or Skydive, It Doesn't Matter. What Matters Is When The Red Light Goes On.

What Matters

Islands

Light

Life Is Truly A Ride. We're All Strapped In And No One Can Stop It. When The Doctor Slaps Your Behind, He's Ripping Your Ticket And Away You Go. As You Make Each Passage From Youth To Adulthood To Maturity, Sometimes You Put Your Arms Up And Scream, Sometimes You Just Hang On To That Bar In Front Of You. But The Ride Is The Thing. I Think The Most You Can Hope For At The End Of Life Is That Your Hair's Messed, You're Out Of Breath, And You Didn't Throw Up.

Maturity

Thinking

Doctors

Sometimes I Think More Creativity Is Put Into Muffin Recipes Than Into The Rest Of Society Combined.

Creativity

Thinking

Recipes

Why Is It When You Turn On The Tv You See Ads For Telephone Companies, And When You Turn On The Radio You Hear Ads For Tv Shows, And When You Get Put On Hold On The Phone You Hear A Radio Station?

Phones

Tv Shows

Radio

I Once Had A Leather Jacket That Got Ruined In The Rain. Why Does Moisture Ruin Leather? Aren't Cows Outside A Lot Of The Time? When It's Raining, Do Cows Go Up To The Farmhouse, "let Us In! We're All Wearing Leather! Open The Door! We're Going To Ruin The Whole Outfit Here!"

Rain

Doors

Leather Jackets

I Will Never Understand Why They Cook On Tv. I Can't Smell It. Can't Eat It. Can't Taste It. The End Of The Show They Hold It Up To The Camera, 'well, Here It Is. You Can't Have Any. Thanks For Watching. Goodbye.'

Funny

Goodbye

Smell

Where Lipstick Is Concerned, The Important Thing Is Not Color, But To Accept God's Final Word On Where Your Lips End.

Funny

Makeup

Color

There's Nothing More Fun Than Entertaining Kids.

Fun

Kids

Entertaining

When I Jumped Off A Roof In Cannes In A Bee Costume, I Looked Ridiculous. But This Is My Business; I Have To Humiliate Myself.

Costumes

Bees

Ridiculous

People On Dates Shouldn't Even Be Allowed Out In Public.

People

When Men Are Growing Up And They're Reading About Batman, Spiderman, Superman ... Those Are Not Fantasies ... They're Options.

Growing Up

Reading

Men

The Padded Outfits, The Bad Scripts, The Phony-looking Sets... He Dealt With It All. He Had To. He Was Superman.

Scripts

Phony

Outfits

With Any Kind Of Physical Test, I Don't Know What It Is, I Always Seem To Get Competitive. Remember When You Were In School And They'd Do Those Hearing Tests? And You'd Really Be Listening Hard, You Know? I Wanted To Do Unbelievable On The Hearing Test. I Wanted Them To Come Over To Me After And Go, 'we Think You May Have Something Close To Super-hearing. What You Heard Was A Cotton Ball Touching A Piece Of Felt. We're Sending The Results To Washington, We'd Like You To Meet The President.'

School

Thinking

Touching

I Know I'm Not Going To Understand Women. I'll Never Understand How You Can Take Boiling Hot Wax, Pour It Onto Your Upper Thigh, Rip The Hair Out By The Root, And Still Be Afraid Of A Spider.

Rip

Roots

Hair

A Two-year-old Is Kind Of Like Having A Blender, But You Don't Have A Top For It.

Funny

Witty

Laughter

Understanding Quotes: Their Essence and Application

Quotes, or quotations, are powerful tools in communication, encapsulating ideas, emotions, and wisdom in concise expressions. They serve various purposes across different contexts, from academic writing to everyday conversation.

1. Defining Quotes

A quote is a repetition of someone else's statement or thoughts. It can be a direct replication of words spoken or written by another individual, often used to support arguments, provide evidence, or convey profound insights.

2. The Importance of Quotes

2.1. Enhancing Credibility

Incorporating quotes from authoritative sources can bolster the credibility of your work. By referencing experts or primary sources, you demonstrate thorough research and a solid foundation for your arguments.

2.2. Providing Evidence

Quotes serve as concrete evidence to support claims. In academic and professional writing, they validate points made, offering readers a basis to trust the information presented.

2.3. Conveying Emotions and Perspectives

Quotes can encapsulate emotions and perspectives succinctly. They allow writers to express complex feelings or viewpoints through the words of others, often more eloquently than paraphrasing.

3. Types of Quotes

3.1. Direct Quotes

Direct quotes involve copying the exact words from a source, enclosed in quotation marks. They are used when the original wording is significant or particularly well-expressed.

3.2. Indirect Quotes (Paraphrasing)

Indirect quotes restate the original message in your own words. While not enclosed in quotation marks, they still require proper attribution to the original source.

3.3. Block Quotes

Block quotes are lengthy direct quotations, formatted as a separate block of text. They are typically used for quotes exceeding a certain length, varying by citation style. For instance, in APA style, quotes longer than 40 words are formatted as block quotes.

4. Proper Usage of Quotes

4.1. Contextual Relevance

Ensure that the quote you choose is relevant to the topic and adds value to your content. Avoid inserting quotes solely for decorative purposes.

4.2. Integration into Your Writing

Seamlessly integrate quotes into your writing. Introduce them appropriately and follow up with analysis or commentary to connect them to your main points.

4.3. Attribution and Citation

Always attribute quotes to their original authors and provide proper citations according to the required style guide (APA, MLA, Chicago, etc.).

5. Common Mistakes to Avoid

5.1. Overusing Quotes

Relying too heavily on quotes can overshadow your voice. Use them sparingly to support your arguments, not replace them.

5.2. Lack of Analysis

Presenting a quote without analysis or explanation can leave readers questioning its relevance. Always follow up with your interpretation or discussion.

5.3. Misquoting or Taking Out of Context

Ensure that quotes are accurate and not taken out of context, as this can mislead readers and undermine your credibility.

6. Quotes in Different Contexts

6.1. Academic Writing

In academic writing, quotes are used to support arguments, provide evidence, and engage with existing literature. Proper citation is crucial to avoid plagiarism.

6.2. Journalism

Journalists use quotes to provide firsthand accounts, add authenticity, and present multiple perspectives within a story.

6.3. Literature and Creative Writing

In literature, quotes can be used to convey character voices, themes, and stylistic elements. They enrich narratives and provide depth to storytelling.

7. Punctuation and Formatting

Understanding the correct punctuation and formatting of quotes is essential:

Quotation Marks: Always enclose direct quotes within quotation marks.

Punctuation Placement: In American English, periods and commas are placed inside quotation marks, while colons and semicolons are placed outside.

Block Quotes: For longer quotes, format them as block quotes without quotation marks, and indent the entire block.

8. Ethical Considerations

Ethical use of quotes involves accurate representation, proper attribution, and respect for intellectual property. Misuse can lead to plagiarism, which carries serious academic and professional consequences.

9. Tools for Managing Quotes

Utilize tools like citation generators and plagiarism checkers to manage quotes effectively. These tools help ensure proper formatting and originality in your writing.

Conclusion

Quotes are invaluable in enriching content, providing evidence, and conveying complex ideas succinctly. When used appropriately, they enhance the quality and credibility of your writing. Always ensure relevance, proper integration, and ethical usage to maximize their impact.

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