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I Once Had A Leather Jacket That Got Ruined In The Rain. Why Does Moisture Ruin Leather? Aren't Cows Outside A Lot Of The Time? When It's Raining, Do Cows Go Up To The Farmhouse, "let Us In! We're All Wearing Leather! Open The Door! We're Going To Ruin The Whole Outfit Here!"

-Jerry Seinfeld

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I Once Had A

Jerry Seinfeld

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I Once Had A Leather Jacket That Got Ruined In The Rain. Why Does Moisture Ruin Leather? Aren't Cows Outside A Lot Of The Time? When It's Raining, Do Cows Go Up To The Farmhouse, "let Us In! We're All Wearing Leather! Open The Door! We're Going To Ruin The Whole Outfit Here!"

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Leather Jackets

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Some Of The Events In The Olympics Don't Make Sense To Me. I Don't Understand The Connection To Any Reality... Like In The Winter Olympics They Have That Biathlon That Combines Cross-country Skiing With Shooting A Gun. How Many Alpine Snipers Are Into This? Ski, Shoot A Gun... Ski, Bang, Bang, Bang... It's Like Combining Swimming And Strangling A Guy. Why Don't We Have That? That Makes Absolutely As Much Sense To Me. Just Put People In The Pool At The End Of Each Lane For The Swimmers.

I Once Had A Leather Jacket That Got Ruined In The Rain. Why Does Moisture Ruin Leather? Aren't Cows Outside A Lot Of The Time? When It's Raining, Do Cows Go Up To The Farmhouse, "let Us In! We're All Wearing Leather! Open The Door! We're Going To Ruin The Whole Outfit Here!"

Leather Jackets

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The Truth Is, I Had Always Wanted To Be A Comedian, But I Really Didn't Have That Kind Of Personality, And It's A Terrifying Thing To Say.

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People Don't Just Bump Into Each Other And Have Sex. This Isn't Cinemax.

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If People Would Only Look To The Cookie, All Our Problems Would Be Solved.

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If You Go To A Bad Movie, It's Two Hours. If You're In A Bad Movie, It's Two Years.

So The First Time You Hear The Concept Of Halloween When You're A Kid Your Brain Can't Even Process The Information. You're Like: "what Is This? What Did You Say?" "what Did You Say About Giving Out Candy? Who's Giving Out Candy?" "everyone That We Know Is Just Giving Out Candy!"

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I Won't Do Something Unless I Can Get At Least Two Or Three Good Laughs Out Of It. If I Can't, It's Not Gonna Make The Team.

I Love The Day Date. No Wine, No Shower.

Kids Don't Say, "wait." They Say, "wait Up, Hey Wait Up!" Because When You're Little, Your Life Is Up. The Future Is Up. Everything You Want Is Up. "hold Up. Shut Up! Mum, I'll Clean Up. Let Me Stay Up!" Parents, Of Course, Are Just The Opposite. Everything Is Down. "just Calm Down. Slow Down. Come Down Here! Sit Down. Put... That... Down."

I Admire The Hell Out Of Her. You Can't Have Sex With Someone You Admire.

You Don't Even Really Need A Place. But You Feel Like You're Doing Something. That Is What Coffee Is. And That Is One Of The Geniuses Of The New Coffee Culture.

Of Course, Everyone Wants To Be Healthy. The Amusing Thing Is No One's Really Sure How To Do It.

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Then, Finally, The Third Year, Begging The Parents, I Got The Superman Halloween Costume. Cardboard Box, Self-made Top, Mask Included. Remember The Rubber Band On The Back Of That Mask? That Was A Quality Item There, Wasn't It? That Was Good For About 10 Seconds Before It Snapped Out Of That Cheap Little Staple They Put It In There With.

You Know Why Fish Are So Thin? They Eat Fish.

Wise Is What You Want To Be. Smart Is Easy Compared To Wise.

Responsible, Who Wants To Be Responsible? Whenever Something Bad Happens, It's Always, Who's Responsible For This?

There's No Downside To Fame And People Who Whine About It Make Me Sick. It's The Greatest Thing In The World.

I Know I'm Not Going To Understand Women. I'll Never Understand How You Can Take Boiling Hot Wax, Pour It Onto Your Upper Thigh, Rip The Hair Out By The Root, And Still Be Afraid Of A Spider.

I Can't Eat Chicken And Look At Strippers At The Same Time.

Keep Your Head Up In Failure And Your Head Down In Success.

If Aliens Are Watching Us Through Telescopes, They're Going To Think The Dogs Are The Leaders Of The Planet. If You See Two Life Forms, One Of Them's Making A Poop, The Other One's Carrying It For Him, Who Would You Assume Is In Charge?

I Will Never Understand Why They Cook On Tv. I Can't Smell It. Can't Eat It. Can't Taste It. The End Of The Show They Hold It Up To The Camera, 'well, Here It Is. You Can't Have Any. Thanks For Watching. Goodbye.'

I'll Tell You One Of The Great Activities Is Skateboarding. To Learn To Do A Skateboard Trick, How Many Times Do You Gotta Get Something Wrong Til You Get It Right? ...and You Hurt Yourself, And You Learn To Do That Trick, Now You Got A Life Lesson. Every Time I See Those Skateboard Kids, I Think 'those Kids'll Be Alright.'

The Whole Object Of Comedy Is To Be Yourself And The Closer You Get To That, The Funnier You Will Be.

There Are More Social Skills Required To Talk One-on-one [than To An Audience]. You Don't Have To Be Socially Fluid To Talk To Two Thousand People.

I Love How You Just Make Coffee And Then Somehow Something Gets Done.

You Know How Your Charger For Your Phone? It's Like If You Had A Charger For Your Whole Body And Mind

That's Why Breakups Take Two Or Three Times- To Build Up Immunity.

I Am A Very Organized Person. I Get Up At 6:15 A.m., The Kids Get Up At 6:45 A.m., And So I Get Up And Get It In. I’m Addicted To The High Function. To Me It’s A Work Thing - If You Meditate, You Can Get So Much Work Done. I Always Say To People You Know How About Three Nights A Year You Get A Good Night Sleep? You Can Have It Every Day With Meditation.

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Let's Face It, The Human Body Is Like A Condominium Apartment. The Thing That Keeps You Really Enjoying It Is The Maintenance. There's A Tremendous Amount Of Daily, Weekly, Monthly And Yearly Work That Has To Be Done. From Showering To Open Heart Surgery, We're Always Doing Something To Ourselves. If Your Body Was A Used Car, You Wouldn't Buy It.

I Wish I Was A Phone Machine. I Wish If I Saw Somebody On The Street I Didn't Want To Talk To I Could Just Go, "excuse Me, I'm Not Here Right Now, If You Just Leave A Message, I Can Walk Away."

Dogs Want To Be People. That's What Their Lives Are About. They Don't Like Being A Dog. They're With People All The Time, They Want To Graduate. My Dog Would Sit There All Day, He Would Watch Me Walk By, He Would Think To Himself, "i Could Do That! He's Not That Good.

A Chef Who Doesn't Wash His Hands Is Like A Cop Who Steals. It's A Cry For Help.

Isn't It Weird That We Drink Milk, Stuff Designed To Nourish Baby Cows? How Did That Happen? Did Some Cattleman Once Say, "oh, Man, I Can't Wait Till Them Calves Are Done So I Can Get Me A Hit Of That Stuff."

There Are Many Things You Can Point To As Proof That The Human Is Not Smart. But My Personal Favorite Would Have To Be That We Needed To Invent The Helmet. What Was Happening, Apparently, Was That We Were Involved In A Lot Of Activities That Were Cracking Our Heads. We Chose Not To Avoid Doing Those Activities But, Instead, To Come Up With Some Sort Of Device To Help Us Enjoy Our Head-cracking Lifestyles.

Work Is The Least Important Thing And Family Is The Most Important.

Important Things

These Pretzels Are Making Me Thirsty!

If You Can't Be Kind, At Least Have The Decency To Be Vague.

It Reminds Me Of Like This Pathetic Friend That Everybody Had When They Were A Little Kid Who Would Let You Borrow Any Of His Stuff If You Would Just Be His Friend. That's What The Library Is. A Government Funded Pathetic Friend.

Everybody In New York City Knows There's Way More Cars Than Parking Spaces. You See Cars Driving In New York All Hours Of The Night. Its Like Musical Chairs Except Everybody Sat Down Around 1964.

I Prefer The Old Theaters Because The Audience Is... Trapped.

Nothing In Life Is Fun For The Whole Family. There Are No Massage Parlors With Ice Cream And Free Jewelry.

I Didn't Know Every Day I Would Be Discussing The Tone Of My Voice With My Wife. I Thought It Was A Marriage. Apparently, It's A Musical.

I Love Advertising Because I Love Lying. I Think Spending Your Life Trying To Dupe Innocent People Out Of Hard-won Earnings To Buy Useless, Low-quality, Misrepresented Items And Services Is An Excellent Use Of Your Energy.

What's The Deal With Ovaltine? It Comes In A Round Container, You Put It In A Round Glass, Why Don't They Call It Roundtine?

I Have No Plants In My House. They Won't Live For Me. Some Of Them Don't Even Wait To Die, They Commit Suicide.

We Want To Do A Lot Of Stuff; We're Not In Great Shape, We Didn't Get A Good Night's Sleep, We're A Little Depressed. Coffee Solves All These Problems In One Delightful Little Cup.

Having A 2 Year Old Is Like Having A Blender That You Don't Have The Top For.

Maybe If We Lie Down Our Brains Will Work.

Now They Show You How Detergents Take Out Bloodstains, A Pretty Violent Image There. I Think If You've Got A T-shirt With A Bloodstain All Over It, Maybe Laundry Isn't Your Biggest Problem.maybe You Should Get Rid Of The Body Before You Do The Wash.

The First Real Thought That I Had Of Something That I Might Do Was To Write For Car Magazines, Because I Always Had A Car Thing.

Folks Who Go Through The Tabloids Ought To Have To Be Lied To.

Most People, You Do A Tv Series, It Ends Three, Four, Five Years Later; It's A Relic.

I Love Advertising Because I Love Lying.

I Think That You Think That A Certain Something Is Not All That It Could Be, When, In Fact, It Is All That It Should Be, And More!

Dating Is Pressure And Tension. What Is A Date, Really, But A Job Interview That Lasts All Night?

The Olympics Is My Favourite Sporting Event. Although I Have A Problem With That Silver Medal. When You Think About It, You Win The Gold - You Feel Good, You Win The Bronze - You Think, 'well At Least I Got Something'. But When You Win Silver, It's Like, 'congratulations, You 'almost' Won. Of All The Losers, You Came In First Of That Group. You're The Number One 'loser.' No One Lost Ahead Of You.

Congratulations

If I Want A Long, Boring Story With No Point To It, I Have My Life.

Well, All Comedy Starts With Anger. You Get Angry, And Its Never For A Good Reason, Right? You Know Its Not A Good Reason. And Then You Try And Work It From There.

Sex, That’s Meaningless, I Can Understand That, But Dinner; That’s Heavy. That’s Like An Hour.

Any Day You Had Gym Class Was A Weird School Day. It Started Off Normal. You Had English, Social Studies, Geometry, Then Suddenly Your In Lord Of The Flies For 40 Minutes. Your Hanging From A Rope, You Have Hardly Any Clothes On, Teachers Are Yelling At You, Kids Are Throwing Dodge Balls At You And Snapping Towels - You're Trying To Survive. And Then It's Science,language, And History. Now That Is A Weird Day.

You Have To Motivate Yourself With Challenges. That's How You Know You're Still Alive.

The Peak Of Being A Fan Is A Hotdog And A Beer And A Seat At The Game. There's Nothing Above That. Nothing Above It.

Looking At Cleavage Is Like Looking At The Sun. You Don't Stare At It, It's Too Risky. You Get A Sense Of It And Then You Look Away.

Let's Face It: A Date Is A Job-interview, That Lasts All Night. The Only Difference Between A Date And A Job Interview Is: Not Many Job-interviews Is There A Chance You'll End Up Naked At The End Of It.

I Always Did Well On The Essay Questions. Just Put Everything You Know On There, Maybe You'll Hit It.

I Know There Are Kids Out There, I Want To Make Sure They All Know That Driving Without Braking Is Not Something I Recommend, Unless You Have Professional Clown Training Or A Comedy Background, As I Do. It Is Not Something I Plan To Make A Habit.

Economy Is Essential To All Good Art.

No Encounter, Mouth Open Up ... That Is How The Drug Businesses See The General Public.

Magazines Are Another Medium I Love, Because 95% Is Simply Based On 'how The Hell Are We Going To Fill All This Blank Space?

Cry When You Get A Golden Globe. Then You Can Get An Oscar Nomination.

The Toughest Nights When I Was A Young, Unknown Comedian Were Opening For These Real Old-time Italian Singers. I'm Like Grace Jones To Them. "this Guy Is Nuts-talking About Socks. Where's The Wife Jokes, Where's The Fat Jokes?"

Comedy Is Just Complaining In An Entertaining Way, Enterplaining.

Why Is Commitment Such A Big Problem For A Man? I Think That For Some Reason When A Man Is Driving Down That Freeway Of Love, The Woman He's With Is Like An Exit, But He Doesn't Want To Get Off There. He Wants To Keep Driving. And The Woman Is Like, "look, Gas, Food, Lodging, That's Our Exit, That's Everything We Need To Be Happy... Get Off Here, Now!" But The Man Is Focusing On The Sign Underneath That Says, "next Exit 27 Miles," And He Thinks, "i Can Make It."

There Is No Such Thing As Fun For The Whole Family.

Why Is It Illegal To Park In A Handicapped Parking Space But Okay To Go The Bathroom In A Handicapped Stall?

That's The True Spirit Of Christmas; People Being Helped By People Other Than Me.

Let's Examine The Dog Mind: Every Time You Come Home, He Thinks It's Amazing. He Can't Believe That You've Accomplished This Again. You Walk In The Door. The Joy Of It Almost Kills Him. "he's Back Again! It's That Guy! It's That Guy!"

Once You Start Doing Only What You've Already Proven You Can Do, You're On The Road To Death.

The Best Revenge Is Living Well.

You Know, Crankiness Is At The Essence Of All Comedy.

When You've Been In The Business 5-years, As A Person, It's Like You're 5-years Old - Like A Child. 10-years And You're 10-years Old, 20... Etcetera. That's How I Measure Maturity In This Industry.

What I Don't Understand Is How Women Can Pour Hot Wax On Their Bodies, Let It Dry, Then Rip Out Every Single Hair By Its Root And Still Be Scared Of Spiders.

You Know You're Getting Old When You Get That One Candle On The Cake. It's Like, 'see If You Can Blow This Out.'

We Sold 'seinfeld' All Over The World But It Was A Very Specific Kind Of Show. In Some Countries It Went Down Really Well, In Others They Hated It.

The Big Advantage Of A Book Is That It's Very Easy To Rewind. Close It And You're Right Back At The Beginning.

You Can Be Passionate About Anything.

Cremation Has Become The Most Popular Form Of Burial In The United States... People Used To Want A Big, Thick Granite Stone, Their Names Carved Into With A Chisel. I Was Here Dammit! Cremation Is Like You're Trying To Cover Up A Crime. Burn The Body. Scatter The Ashes Around. As Far As Anyone's Concerned This Whole Thing Never Happened.

Yeah, Like Bizarro Superman, Superman's Exact Opposite, Who Lives In The Backwards Bizarro World. Up Is Down, Down Is Up, He Says Hello When He Leaves, Goodbye When He Arrives.

I Have A Problem With The Strip That Runs Along The Bottom Of The News Programs. Don't These Idiots Who Run The News Programs Know We Don't Want To Read? That's Why We're Watching Tv.

You Know Why Dogs Have No Money? No Pockets. 'cause They See Change On The Street All The Time And It's Driving Them Crazy. When You're Walking Them, He Is Always Looking Up At You. "there's A Quarter...."

For People On My Side Of The Cubicle, The Goal Is Always Creativity. Spending Your Time Overcoming Corporate Resistance To Creativity - I Just Don't Want To Do That.

You Know What I Never Get With The Limo? The Tinted Windows. Is That So People Don't See You? Yeah, What A Better Way Not To Have People Notice You Than Taking A Thirty Foot Cadillac With A Tv Antenna And A Uniformed Driver. How Discreet. Nobody Cares Who's In The Limo. You See A Limo Go By, You Know It's Either Some Rich Jerk Or Fifty Prom Kids With $1.75 Each.

To Me A Lawyer Is Basically The Person That Knows The Rules Of The Country. We're All Throwing The Dice, Playing The Game, Moving Our Pieces Around The Board, But If There's A Problem, The Lawyer Is The Only Person That Has Actually Read The Inside Of The Top Of The Box.

Airline Hostesses Show You How To Use A Seatbelt In Case You Haven't Been In A Car Since 1965.

The Swiss Have An Interesting Army. Five Hundred Years Without A War. Pretty Impressive. Also Pretty Lucky For Them. Ever Seen That Little Swiss Army Knife They Have To Fight With? Not Much Of A Weapon There. Corkscrews. Bottle Openers. ‘come On, Buddy, Let’s Go. You Get Past Me, The Guy In The Back Of Me, He’s Got A Spoon. Back Off, I’ve Got The Toe Clippers Right Here.

The Hardest Thing In Comedy Is To Have The Biggest Laugh At The End, And It’s The Most Satisfying Thing.

I Can't Go To A Bad Movie By Myself. What, Am I Gonna Make Sarcastic Remarks To Strangers?

You Can Measure Distance By Time. 'how Far Away Is It?' 'oh About 20 Minutes.' But It Doesn't Work The Other Way. 'when Do You Get Off Work?' 'around 3 Miles.'

Every Day When Everybody Would Have Lunch I Would Do Tm [transcendental Meditation] And Then I Would Eat While I Was Working Because I Had Missed Lunch But That Is How I Survived The 9 Years [of Seinfeld], It Was That 20 Minutes In The Middle Of The Day Would Save Me.

I Like Any Cereal. I Like The Idea Of Just Eating And Drinking With One Hand Without Looking.

Not That There's Anything Wrong With That.

My Parents Didn't Want To Move To Florida, But They Turned Sixty And That's The Law.

Funny Relationship

If Professional Wrestling Did Not Exist, Could You Come Up With This Idea? Could You Envision The Popularity Of Huge Men In Tiny Bathing Suits, Pretending To Fight?

Introducing 'lite': The New Way To Spell 'light'; But With Twenty Per Cent Fewer Letters.

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