Background Image

...

Somebody Just Gave Me A Shower Radio. Thanks A Lot. Do You Really Want Music In The Shower? I Guess There's No Better Place To Dance Than A Slick Surface Next To A Glass Door.

-Jerry Seinfeld

...

Please Wait....
Translating....

Somebody Just Gave Me

Jerry Seinfeld

...

Somebody Just Gave Me A Shower Radio. Thanks A Lot. Do You Really Want Music In The Shower? I Guess There's No Better Place To Dance Than A Slick Surface Next To A Glass Door.

Views: 6

Topic

More From Jerry Seinfeld

And That's When I Realized, When You're A Kid You Don't Need A Costume, You Are Superman.

Well, Sometimes We Do Actually Have To Get Up Early, But A Man Will Always Trade Sleep For Sex.

I Only Do A Show When There's Somebody I Want To Talk To.

I'd Like To Do One Of Those Jumps They Do In The Movies; In A Car, Over A Bridge, In The Air With A Huge Explosion. It Would Be A Final Moment Of Entertainment.

The Big Advantage Of A Book Is That It's Very Easy To Rewind. Close It And You're Right Back At The Beginning.

I Won't Do Something Unless I Can Get At Least Two Or Three Good Laughs Out Of It. If I Can't, It's Not Gonna Make The Team.

Actually, The Only Memory I Have Of Being A Cub Scout Was Trying To Get My Hat Back. That Was All I Did. Run Back And Forth At My Bus Stop Going "quit It."

The Toughest Nights When I Was A Young, Unknown Comedian Were Opening For These Real Old-time Italian Singers. I'm Like Grace Jones To Them. "this Guy Is Nuts-talking About Socks. Where's The Wife Jokes, Where's The Fat Jokes?"

Everybody In New York City Knows There's Way More Cars Than Parking Spaces. You See Cars Driving In New York All Hours Of The Night. Its Like Musical Chairs Except Everybody Sat Down Around 1964.

The Blessing In Life Is When You Find The Torture You Are Comfortable With. That's Marriage, It's Kids, It's Work, It's Exercise. Find The Torture You're Comfortable With And You'll Do Well. You've Mastered That, You've Mastered Life.

Not That There's Anything Wrong With That.

People On Dates Shouldn't Even Be Allowed Out In Public.

Dogs Want To Be People. That's What Their Lives Are About. They Don't Like Being A Dog. They're With People All The Time, They Want To Graduate. My Dog Would Sit There All Day, He Would Watch Me Walk By, He Would Think To Himself, "i Could Do That! He's Not That Good.

There Is No Such Thing As Fun For The Whole Family.

There Is No Such Thing As An Attention Span. There Is Only The Quality Of What You Are Viewing. This Whole Idea Of An Attention Span Is, I Think, A Misnomer. People Have An Infinite Attention Span If You Are Entertaining Them.

When Someone Does A Small Task Beautifully, Their Whole Environment Is Affected By It.

Having Fun Is A Very Particular Skill. And Not Everyone Has That Skill.

Of Course, Everyone Wants To Be Healthy. The Amusing Thing Is No One's Really Sure How To Do It.

Somebody Just Gave Me A Shower Radio. Thanks A Lot. Do You Really Want Music In The Shower? I Guess There's No Better Place To Dance Than A Slick Surface Next To A Glass Door.

Boy, I Miss The Days They Made Toys That Could Kill A Kid.

They Seal The Subway Change-booth Guy Up Inside This Thing With Bullet-proof Glass, Closed In On All Sides, It's Like Some Kind Of Houdini Torture Tank Of Doom. How Do You Breathe In There? It Looks Like If You Put Your Hand Over The Change Slot, You Could Suffocate Him In Thirty Seconds.

I Like Staying In Hotels. I Like Their Tiny Soap. I Like To Pretend It's Regular-sized And My Muscles Are Huge.

You Know Why Fish Are So Thin? They Eat Fish.

I Am A Very Organized Person. I Get Up At 6:15 A.m., The Kids Get Up At 6:45 A.m., And So I Get Up And Get It In. I’m Addicted To The High Function. To Me It’s A Work Thing - If You Meditate, You Can Get So Much Work Done. I Always Say To People You Know How About Three Nights A Year You Get A Good Night Sleep? You Can Have It Every Day With Meditation.

It's Like Having... You Know, Your Phone Has A Charger, Right? It's Like Having A Charger For Your Whole Body And Mind. That's What Transcendental Meditation Is!

Surveys Show That The #1 Fear Of Americans Is Public Speaking. #2 Is Death. That Means That At A Funeral, The Average American Would Rather Be In The Casket Than Doing The Eulogy.

Life Is Truly A Ride. We're All Strapped In And No One Can Stop It. When The Doctor Slaps Your Behind, He's Ripping Your Ticket And Away You Go. As You Make Each Passage From Youth To Adulthood To Maturity, Sometimes You Put Your Arms Up And Scream, Sometimes You Just Hang On To That Bar In Front Of You. But The Ride Is The Thing. I Think The Most You Can Hope For At The End Of Life Is That Your Hair's Messed, You're Out Of Breath, And You Didn't Throw Up.

I Had A Dream Last Night That A Hamburger Was Eating Me.

My Parents Didn't Want To Move To Florida, But They Turned Sixty And That's The Law.

Funny Relationship

When Men Are Growing Up And They're Reading About Batman, Spiderman, Superman ... Those Are Not Fantasies ... They're Options.

I Wrote An Article On A New Porsche For 'automobile Magazine.' I Knew The Editor, And She Asked Me To Write This Article. So I'm More Proud Of That Than Anything.

This Is One Of My Big Things Of Creative Pursuits. You Have Your Idea You Want To Do, But Then You Got To Figure Out What Does This Thing Want To Be? You Got To Let It Lead You A Little.

I Am Speechless: I Have No Speech

I Know I'm Not Going To Understand Women. I'll Never Understand How You Can Take Boiling Hot Wax, Pour It Onto Your Upper Thigh, Rip The Hair Out By The Root, And Still Be Afraid Of A Spider.

If Someone's Lying, Are Their Pants Really On Fire

I Mean, She's Giving And Caring And Genuinely Concerned About The Welfare Of Others. I Can't Be With Someone Like That.

Nothing In Life Is Fun For The Whole Family. There Are No Massage Parlors With Ice Cream And Free Jewelry.

These Pretzels Are Making Me Thirsty!

There's No Downside To Fame And People Who Whine About It Make Me Sick. It's The Greatest Thing In The World.

This Is Really A Crazy Idea, You Know. It Probably Won't Work, But That Will Be Interesting, Too. You Have To Motivate Yourself With Challenges. That's How You Know You're Still Alive. Once You Start Doing Only What You've Already Proven You Can Do, You're On The Road To Death.

On The Side Of Box Of My Superman Costume It Actually Said - 'do Not Attempt To Fly!'

The Greatest Thing About Being A Comedian Is Knowing Other Comedians. And You Get To Talk To Them. Its The Most Fun.

What Would The World Be Like If People Said Whatever They Were Thinking, All The Time, Whenever It Came To Them? How Long Would A Blind Date Last? About 13 Seconds, I Think. Oh, Sorry, Your Rear End Is Too Big. That's Ok, Your Breath Stinks Anyway. See You Later.

There's Nothing More Fun Than Entertaining Kids.

A Two-year-old Is Kind Of Like Having A Blender, But You Don't Have A Top For It.

If Every Instinct You Have Is Wrong, Then The Opposite Would Have To Be Right.

[i Like To] Engage With Funny People, Or Weird People, Or, You Know, Kind Of Off People. [whereas When I Meet] Anybody Who's ... Normal ... I'm Not Curious, I'm Not Interested.

A Bookstore Is One Of The Only Pieces Of Evidence We Have That People Are Still Thinking.

Sometimes The Road Less Traveled Is Less Traveled For A Reason.

Our Good Time Is Sitting In A Coffee Shop With A Newspaper, Writing A Line On The Back Of A Napkin. That Is The Most Fun Comedians Ever Have

If I Want A Long, Boring Story With No Point To It, I Have My Life.

It Reminds Me Of Like This Pathetic Friend That Everybody Had When They Were A Little Kid Who Would Let You Borrow Any Of His Stuff If You Would Just Be His Friend. That's What The Library Is. A Government Funded Pathetic Friend.

Why Is It Illegal To Park In A Handicapped Parking Space But Okay To Go The Bathroom In A Handicapped Stall?

Economy Is Essential To All Good Art.

See, You Know How To Take The Reservation, You Just Don't Know How To Hold The Reservation And That's Really The Most Important Part Of The Reservation, The Holding. Anybody Can Just Take Them.

If You've Got A Bloodstain On Your T-shirt, Maybe Dirty Laundry Isn't Your Biggest Problem.

No Encounter, Mouth Open Up ... That Is How The Drug Businesses See The General Public.

I Love Advertising Because I Love Lying.

The First Real Thought That I Had Of Something That I Might Do Was To Write For Car Magazines, Because I Always Had A Car Thing.

There's More To Life Than Making Shallow, Fairly Obvious Observations.

When I Jumped Off A Roof In Cannes In A Bee Costume, I Looked Ridiculous. But This Is My Business; I Have To Humiliate Myself.

The Truth Is, The Family Is Much More Creatively Nourishing Because You're Playing On A Full Keyboard. Whereas When You're Single, You're Just Playing The Upbeat Jazzy Tunes.

Responsible, Who Wants To Be Responsible? Whenever Something Bad Happens, It's Always, Who's Responsible For This?

What's The Deal With Ovaltine? It Comes In A Round Container, You Put It In A Round Glass, Why Don't They Call It Roundtine?

We Got The Hot Fudge On The Bottom.... That Allows You To Control The Fudge Distribution While You're Eating Your Ice Cream.

I Had A Parakeet That Used To Fly Around The House And Crash Into These Huge Mirrors My Mother Put In. Ever Heard Of This Interior Design Principle, That A Mirror Makes It Seem Like You Have An Entire Other Room? What Kind Of Jerk Walks Up To A Mirror And Goes, Hey Look, There's A Whole Other Room In There. There's A Guy That Looks Just Like Me In There.

Isn't It Weird That We Drink Milk, Stuff Designed To Nourish Baby Cows? How Did That Happen? Did Some Cattleman Once Say, "oh, Man, I Can't Wait Till Them Calves Are Done So I Can Get Me A Hit Of That Stuff."

There Is Nothing More Rewarding Than Completing A Goal You Have Set For Yourself.

Men Want The Same Thing From Their Underwear That They Want From Women: A Little Bit Of Support, And A Little Bit Of Freedom.

You Can Be Passionate About Anything.

I Do Not Know Why Anyone Would Host An Awards Show. No Matter How Unbelievably Well You Do At It, The Only Thing That Can Happen Is You Get Asked Again To Host An Awards Show.

Have You Ever Noticed That The Waiter Who Takes Your Order Is Not The One Who Brings Your Food Anymore? What Is That About? And Which Waiter Are You Tipping, Anyway? I Think Next Time I Go To A Restaurant I'll Just Say, "oh, Sorry, I Only Eat The Food. The Guy Who Pays The Bill Will Be Along Shortly."

The Olympics Is My Favourite Sporting Event. Although I Have A Problem With That Silver Medal. When You Think About It, You Win The Gold - You Feel Good, You Win The Bronze - You Think, 'well At Least I Got Something'. But When You Win Silver, It's Like, 'congratulations, You 'almost' Won. Of All The Losers, You Came In First Of That Group. You're The Number One 'loser.' No One Lost Ahead Of You.

Congratulations

The Irs! They're Like The Mafia, They Can Take Anything They Want!

It's Hard To Do Nothing Because You Tend To Do Something And Then You Have To Drop Everything.

Elaine: Ugh, I Hate People. Jerry: Yeah, They're The Worst.

I Think Vacations Are Mostly Completely Stupid. Going To Have Coffee With A Friend, You're Probably Going To Have More Fun Than If You Go To Aruba.

Festivus For The Restivus!

So The First Time You Hear The Concept Of Halloween When You're A Kid Your Brain Can't Even Process The Information. You're Like: "what Is This? What Did You Say?" "what Did You Say About Giving Out Candy? Who's Giving Out Candy?" "everyone That We Know Is Just Giving Out Candy!"

That's Why Breakups Take Two Or Three Times- To Build Up Immunity.

Once You Start Doing Only What You've Already Proven You Can Do, You're On The Road To Death.

Wise Is What You Want To Be. Smart Is Easy Compared To Wise.

Keep Your Head Up In Failure And Your Head Down In Success.

I Am So Busy Doing Nothing... That The Idea Of Doing Anything - Which As You Know, Always Leads To Something - Cuts Into The Nothing And Then Forces Me To Have To Drop Everything.

Success Is The Enemy Of Comedy.

Men Don't Care What's On Tv. They Only Care What Else Is On Tv.

The Human Body Is Like A Condominium. The Thing That Keeps You From Really Enjoying It Is The Maintenance.

Every Day When Everybody Would Have Lunch I Would Do Tm [transcendental Meditation] And Then I Would Eat While I Was Working Because I Had Missed Lunch But That Is How I Survived The 9 Years [of Seinfeld], It Was That 20 Minutes In The Middle Of The Day Would Save Me.

The Padded Outfits, The Bad Scripts, The Phony-looking Sets... He Dealt With It All. He Had To. He Was Superman.

Cry When You Get A Golden Globe. Then You Can Get An Oscar Nomination.

Having A 2 Year Old Is Like Having A Blender That You Don't Have The Top For.

I Think It's Funny To Be Delicate With Subjects That Are Explosive.

So Let Me Get This Straight. You Find Yourself In The Kitchen. You See An éclair In The Receptacle... And You Think To Yourself: "what The Hell, I'll Just Eat Some Trash."

Finding Yourself

One Day I Was Watching These Construction Workers Go Back To Work. I Was Watching Them Kind Of Trudging Down The Street. It Was Like A Revelation To Me. I Realized These Guys Don’t Want To Go Back To Work After Lunch. But They’re Going. That’s Their Job. If They Can Exhibit That Level Of Dedication For That Job I Should Be Able To Do The Same. Trudge Your Ass In.

Construction Workers

Celebrity Is No Different From Any Other Energy. It's A Force For Good Or Evil. It's No Different From Money. It's Power.

All I Ever Wanted To Do Is Make People Laugh.

Making People Laugh

The Best Revenge Is Living Well.

I'll Tell You What I Like About Chinese People: They're Hanging In There With The Chop Sticks, Aren't They? You Know They've Seen The Fork. They're Staying With The Sticks.

The Hardest Thing In Comedy Is To Have The Biggest Laugh At The End, And It’s The Most Satisfying Thing.

I Was In The Drug Store The Other Day Trying To Get A Cold Medication...not Easy. There's An Entire Wall Of Products You Need. You Stand There Going,"well, This One Is Quick Acting But This Is Long Lasting...which Is More Important, The Present Or The Future?"

You Have To Motivate Yourself With Challenges. That's How You Know You're Still Alive.

When You Interrupt, You've Stopped Listening. People Need To Be Heard.

And I'll Tell Ya, I'm Really Enjoying This Marriage Thing. You Think About Each Other. You Care About Each Other. It's Wonderful! Plus, I Love Saying 'my Wife.' Once I Started Saying It, I Couldn't Stop - 'my Wife' This, 'my Wife' That...it's An Amazing Way To Begin A Sentence.

Artists Are Always Looking For New Things And Fresh Ground And Fresh Air. If It Feels New To Me, There's A Chance It'll Feel New To The Audience And We'll Have Found Something.

I Know There Are Kids Out There, I Want To Make Sure They All Know That Driving Without Braking Is Not Something I Recommend, Unless You Have Professional Clown Training Or A Comedy Background, As I Do. It Is Not Something I Plan To Make A Habit.

According To Most Studies, People's Number One Fear Is Public Speaking. Number Two Is Death. Death Is Number Two. Does That Sound Right? This Means To The Average Person, If You Go To A Funeral, You're Better Off In The Casket Than Doing The Eulogy.

Some Of The Events In The Olympics Don't Make Sense To Me. I Don't Understand The Connection To Any Reality... Like In The Winter Olympics They Have That Biathlon That Combines Cross-country Skiing With Shooting A Gun. How Many Alpine Snipers Are Into This? Ski, Shoot A Gun... Ski, Bang, Bang, Bang... It's Like Combining Swimming And Strangling A Guy. Why Don't We Have That? That Makes Absolutely As Much Sense To Me. Just Put People In The Pool At The End Of Each Lane For The Swimmers.

There's Very Little Advice In Men's Magazines, Because Men Don't Think There's A Lot They Don't Know. Women Do. Women Want To Learn. Men Think, 'i Know What I'm Doing, Just Show Me Somebody Naked.'

Marriage Is Like A Game Of Chess Except The Board Is Flowing Water, The Pieces Are Made Of Smoke And No Move You Make Will Have Any Effect On The Outcome.

A Dog Will Stay Stupid. That's Why We Love Them So Much. The Entire Time We Know Them, They're Idiots. Think Of Your Dog. Every Time You Come Home, He Thinks It's Amazing. He Has No Idea How You Accomplish This Every Day. You Walk In The Door; The Joy Of This Experience Overwhelms Him. He Looks At You, He's Back. It's That Guy, That Same Guy. He Can't Believe It. Everything Is Amazing To Your Dog. Another Can Of Food? I Don't Believe It.

The Luge Is The Only Olympic Event Where You Could Have People Competing In It Against Their Will, And It Would Look Exactly The Same. Take People Off The Street, 'hey, Hey, Hey, What Is This?! I Don't Wanna Be In The Luge!' Once You Put That Helmet On Them, 'you're In The Luge, Buddy!' 'aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa... Aaaaaaaa...' World Record. Didn't Even Wanna Do It. I'd Like To See That Next Olympics, The Involuntary Luge.

We Know The Product Is Going To Stink. We Know That Because We Live In The World, And We Know That Everything Stinks. We All Believe, Hey, Maybe This One Wont Stink. We Are A Hopeful Species. Stupid But Hopeful. But Were Happy In That Moment Between The Commercial And The Purchase. And I Think Spending Your Life Trying To Dupe Innocent People Out Of Hard-won Earnings To Buy Useless, Low-quality, Misrepresented Items And Services Is An Excellent Use Of Your Energy.

If You Can't Be Kind, At Least Have The Decency To Be Vague.

I Admire The Hell Out Of Her. You Can't Have Sex With Someone You Admire.

I Don't Want To Hear The Specials. If They're So Special, Put 'em On The Menu.

I Have A Problem With That Silver Medal. It's Like, 'congratulation S, You Almost Won. Of All The Losers, You're The Number One Loser. No One Lost Ahead Of You.'

Congratulations

People Don't Just Bump Into Each Other And Have Sex. This Isn't Cinemax.

Folks Who Go Through The Tabloids Ought To Have To Be Lied To.

To Me A Lawyer Is Basically The Person That Knows The Rules Of The Country. We're All Throwing The Dice, Playing The Game, Moving Our Pieces Around The Board, But If There's A Problem, The Lawyer Is The Only Person That Has Actually Read The Inside Of The Top Of The Box.

Fatherhood Makes You Cute. Women Find Bumbling Fathers Cute And Attractive.

You Know Why Dogs Have No Money? No Pockets. 'cause They See Change On The Street All The Time And It's Driving Them Crazy. When You're Walking Them, He Is Always Looking Up At You. "there's A Quarter...."

I Was In Front Of An Ambulance The Other Day, And I Noticed That The Word Ambulance Was Spelled In Reverse Print On The Hood Of The Ambulance. And I Thought, Well, Isn't That Clever. I Look In The Rear-view Mirror; I Can Read The Word Ambulance Behind Me. Of Course While You're Reading, You Don't See Where You're Going, You Crash. You Need An Ambulance. I Think They're Trying To Drum Up Some Business On The Way Back From Lunch.

People Who Read The Tabloids Deserve To Be Lied To.

Maybe If We Lie Down Our Brains Will Work.

I Don't Return Fruit. Fruit's A Gamble. I Know That Going In.

I Prefer The Old Theaters Because The Audience Is... Trapped.

I Think The Answer Is We All Need A Little Help, And The Coffee's A Little Help With Everything — Social, Energy, Don't Know What To Do Next, Don't Know How To Start My Day, Don't Know How To Get Through This Afternoon, Don't Know How To Stay Alert. We Want To Do A Lot Of Stuff; We're Not In Great Shape. We Didn't Get A Good Night's Sleep. We're A Little Depressed. Coffee Solves All These Problems In One Delightful Little Cup.

Then, Finally, The Third Year, Begging The Parents, I Got The Superman Halloween Costume. Cardboard Box, Self-made Top, Mask Included. Remember The Rubber Band On The Back Of That Mask? That Was A Quality Item There, Wasn't It? That Was Good For About 10 Seconds Before It Snapped Out Of That Cheap Little Staple They Put It In There With.

Being A Good Husband Is Like Being A Good Stand-up Comic - You Need Ten Years Before You Can Even Call Yourself A Beginner.

Why Does Mcdonald's Have To Count Every Burger That They Sell? What Is Their Ultimate Goal? Do They Want Cows To Surrender Voluntarily?

Sometimes I Think More Creativity Is Put Into Muffin Recipes Than Into The Rest Of Society Combined.

That's The Most Comfortable Place For Me. In The Beginning, Yes, I Was Nervous Going On Stage. I Was Not A Natural Performer. I Really Had To Acquire That Skill.

Magazines Are Another Medium I Love, Because 95% Is Simply Based On 'how The Hell Are We Going To Fill All This Blank Space?

Well, Birthdays Are Merely Symbolic Of How Another Year Has Gone By And How Little We've Grown. No Matter How Desperate We Are That Someday A Better Self Will Emerge, With Each Flicker Of The Candles On The Cake, We Know It's Not To Be, That For The Rest Of Our Sad, Wretched Pathetic Lives, This Is Who We Are To The Bitter End. Inevitably, Irrevocably; Happy Birthday? No Such Thing.

People Don't Think Of Their Office As A Workplace Anymore. They Think Of It As A Stationary Store With Danish. You Want To Get Your Pastry, Your Envelopes, Your Supplies, Your Toilet Paper, Six Cups Of Coffee, And You Go Home.

I Feel Like Humor Is The Answer To Everything. If You Have A Little Bit Of Humor In The Shaker And You Can Sprinkle That On, That's Your Answer.

What The Hell, I'll Just Eat Some Trash.

Pain Is Usually Represented By Lightning Attacking The Guy. Glowing Redness Is Also Popular. Sometimes Parts Of The Guy Would Just Burst Into Flames.

Let's Face It: A Date Is A Job-interview, That Lasts All Night. The Only Difference Between A Date And A Job Interview Is: Not Many Job-interviews Is There A Chance You'll End Up Naked At The End Of It.

I Always Did Well On The Essay Questions. Just Put Everything You Know On There, Maybe You'll Hit It.

Men Like A Ref Decision Because They Just Want To Get Back To The Game.

Cremation Has Become The Most Popular Form Of Burial In The United States... People Used To Want A Big, Thick Granite Stone, Their Names Carved Into With A Chisel. I Was Here Dammit! Cremation Is Like You're Trying To Cover Up A Crime. Burn The Body. Scatter The Ashes Around. As Far As Anyone's Concerned This Whole Thing Never Happened.

The Beatles Created Something That Never Trailed Off. What A Gift That Was To Their Fans. If You're Into The Beatles, You Loved Them From Beginning To End.

Writer's Block Is A Phony, Made Up, Bs Excuse For Not Doing Your Work.

Dogs Have No Money. Isn't That Amazing? They're Broke Their Entire Lives. But They Get Through. You Know Why Dogs Have No Money? .. No Pockets.

I'm In The Unfortunate Position Of Having To Consider Other People's Feelings

Let's Face It, The Human Body Is Like A Condominium Apartment. The Thing That Keeps You Really Enjoying It Is The Maintenance. There's A Tremendous Amount Of Daily, Weekly, Monthly And Yearly Work That Has To Be Done. From Showering To Open Heart Surgery, We're Always Doing Something To Ourselves. If Your Body Was A Used Car, You Wouldn't Buy It.

Anyone Who Would Laugh At A Recital Is Probably Some Sort Of Lunatic Anyway. I Mean, Only A Sick, Twisted Mind Could Be That Rude And Ignorant.

You Know, Crankiness Is At The Essence Of All Comedy.

Most People, You Do A Tv Series, It Ends Three, Four, Five Years Later; It's A Relic.

A Recent Survey Stated That The Average Person's Greatest Fear Is Having To Give A Speech In Public. Somehow This Ranked Even Higher Than Death Which Was Third On The List. So, You're Telling Me That At A Funeral, Most People Would Rather Be The Guy In The Coffin Than Have To Stand Up And Give A Eulogy.

You'll Fold Faster Than Superman On Laundry Day

If People Would Only Look To The Cookie, All Our Problems Would Be Solved.

I Love How You Just Make Coffee And Then Somehow Something Gets Done.

Why Is It When You Turn On The Tv You See Ads For Telephone Companies, And When You Turn On The Radio You Hear Ads For Tv Shows, And When You Get Put On Hold On The Phone You Hear A Radio Station?

Sex, That’s Meaningless, I Can Understand That, But Dinner; That’s Heavy. That’s Like An Hour.

I Love The Day Date. No Wine, No Shower.

I Once Had A Leather Jacket That Got Ruined In The Rain. Why Does Moisture Ruin Leather? Aren't Cows Outside A Lot Of The Time? When It's Raining, Do Cows Go Up To The Farmhouse, "let Us In! We're All Wearing Leather! Open The Door! We're Going To Ruin The Whole Outfit Here!"

Leather Jackets

I Didn't Know Every Day I Would Be Discussing The Tone Of My Voice With My Wife. I Thought It Was A Marriage. Apparently, It's A Musical.

I Can Walk Through A Hotel Lobby And Watch People At The Desk And See What They're Doing. People Don't Look At Me. They Don't Even Know I'm There.

The Peak Of Being A Fan Is A Hotdog And A Beer And A Seat At The Game. There's Nothing Above That. Nothing Above It.

All Magic Is 'here’s A Quarter, Now It’s Gone. You’re A Jerk. Now It’s Back. You’re An Idiot. Show’s Over.'

There Are Many Things You Can Point To As Proof That The Human Is Not Smart. But My Personal Favorite Would Have To Be That We Needed To Invent The Helmet. What Was Happening, Apparently, Was That We Were Involved In A Lot Of Activities That Were Cracking Our Heads. We Chose Not To Avoid Doing Those Activities But, Instead, To Come Up With Some Sort Of Device To Help Us Enjoy Our Head-cracking Lifestyles.

You Can Tell What Was The Best Year Of Your Father's Life, Because They Seem To Freeze That Clothing Style And Ride It Out.

Sometimes You Can Do Certain Things On Stage, Or Even In A Tv Series, And People See The Look On Your Face And They Know What You Mean, So You Can Get Away With Certain Things. But If You Can't Create That Look On An Animated Character, Which Is Essentially A Puppet, The Line Will Hit The Audience In A Very Bad Way.

Women Go After Doctors Like Men Go After Models. They Want Someone With Knowledge Of The Body. We Just Want The Body.

If A Book About Failures Doesn't Sell, Is It A Success?

I've Compiled A Book From The Internet. It's A Book Of Quotations Attributed To The Wrong People.

Taking In A Baseball Game On Tv Is Also A Big Treat.

I Hate The Waiting Room. Because It's Called The Waiting Room, There's No Chance Of Not Waiting. It's Built, Designed, And Intended For Waiting. Why Would They Take You Right Away When They've Got This Room All Set Up?

Did You Ever Notice, When You Are Sitting At A Red Light, That When The Person In Front Of You Pulls Up A Couple Of Inches, You Are Compelled To Move Up Too? Do We Really Think We Are Making Progress Toward Our Destination? "whew, I Thought We Would Be Late, But Now That I Am Nine Inches Closer, I Can Stop For Coffee And A Danish!"

The Worst Thing About Television Is That Everybody You See On Television Is Doing Something Better Than What You're Doing. You Never See Anybody On Tv Just Sliding Off The Front Of The Sofa, With Potato Chip Crumbs All Over Their Shirt.

The Best Piece Of Advice I Received Before I Got Married Was, "be Careful What You Say When You're In A Fight, Because It Could Stick In Someone's Head." I Don't Think I've Ever Said Anything I Really Regretted. I'm Very Sympathetic To Women. I've Really Studied Wife-ology, And I Know You've Got To Figure Out The Feelings. Deal With The Feelings.

The Greatest Jewish Tradition Is To Laugh. The Cornerstone Of Jewish Survival Has Always Been To Find Humor In Life And In Ourselves.

Jewish Tradition

The Whole Object Of Comedy Is To Be Yourself And The Closer You Get To That, The Funnier You Will Be.

Any Day You Had Gym Class Was A Weird School Day. It Started Off Normal. You Had English, Social Studies, Geometry, Then Suddenly Your In Lord Of The Flies For 40 Minutes. Your Hanging From A Rope, You Have Hardly Any Clothes On, Teachers Are Yelling At You, Kids Are Throwing Dodge Balls At You And Snapping Towels - You're Trying To Survive. And Then It's Science,language, And History. Now That Is A Weird Day.

A Really Hard Laugh Is Like Sex-one Of The Ultimate Diversions Of Existence.

What Causes Homophobia? What Is It That Makes The Heterosexual Man Worry About This? I Think It's Because Deep Down All Men Know That We Have Weak Sales Resistance. We're Constantly Buying Shoes That Hurt Us, Pants That Don't Fit Right. Men Think, 'obviously I Can Be Talked Into Anything. What If I Accidentally Wander Into Some Sort Of Homosexual Store Thinking It's A Shoe Store And The Salesmen Says, 'just Hold This Guy's Hand, Walk Around A Little Bit, See How It Feels. No Obligation, No Pressure, Just Try It.'

I Wonder If Illiterate People Get The Full Effect Of Alphabet Soup?

What Is This Obsession People Have With Books? They Put Them In Their Houses Like They're Trophies. What Do You Need It For After You Read It?

A Movie Is Kind Of Like Being The Captain Of A Ship, Which Is Nice, But When I Perform By Myself It's Just Surfing On The Water And Nobody Really Knows What Happens.

You Can Measure Distance By Time. 'how Far Away Is It?' 'oh About 20 Minutes.' But It Doesn't Work The Other Way. 'when Do You Get Off Work?' 'around 3 Miles.'

Everybody Lies About Sex. People Lie During Sex. If It Weren't For Lies, There'd Be No Sex.

Introducing 'lite': The New Way To Spell 'light'; But With Twenty Per Cent Fewer Letters.

Why Does That Pharmacist Have To Be Two And A Half Feet Higher Than Everybody Else? Who The Hell Is This Guy? "clear Out, Everybody. I'm Working With Pills Up Here. I'm Taking Them From This Big Bottle And Then I'm Gonna Put Them In The Little Bottle. That's My Whole Job. I Can't Be Down On The Floor With You People."

The Idea Behind The Tuxedo Is The Woman's Point Of View That Men Are All The Same; So We Might As Well Dress Them That Way. That's Why A Wedding Is Like The Joining Together Of A Beautiful, Glowing Bride And Some Guy. The Tuxedo Is A Wedding Safety Device, Created By Women Because They Know That Men Are Undependable. So In Case The Groom Chickens Out, Everybody Just Takes One Step Over, And She Marries The Next Guy.

There Are More Social Skills Required To Talk One-on-one [than To An Audience]. You Don't Have To Be Socially Fluid To Talk To Two Thousand People.

Well, All Comedy Starts With Anger. You Get Angry, And Its Never For A Good Reason, Right? You Know Its Not A Good Reason. And Then You Try And Work It From There.

I Wonder Is Illiterate People Know The Full Meaning Of Alphabet Soup?

Kids Don't Say, "wait." They Say, "wait Up, Hey Wait Up!" Because When You're Little, Your Life Is Up. The Future Is Up. Everything You Want Is Up. "hold Up. Shut Up! Mum, I'll Clean Up. Let Me Stay Up!" Parents, Of Course, Are Just The Opposite. Everything Is Down. "just Calm Down. Slow Down. Come Down Here! Sit Down. Put... That... Down."

Would Somebody Please Explain To Me Those Signs That Say, "no Animals Allowed Except For Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who Is That Sign For? Is It For The Dog, Or The Blind Person?

Sex To Save The Friendship? Well If We Have To We Have To.

Can't You At Least Die With A Little Dignity?

I Will Never Understand Why They Cook On Tv. I Can't Smell It. Can't Eat It. Can't Taste It. The End Of The Show They Hold It Up To The Camera, 'well, Here It Is. You Can't Have Any. Thanks For Watching. Goodbye.'

I Love Advertising Because I Love Lying. I Think Spending Your Life Trying To Dupe Innocent People Out Of Hard-won Earnings To Buy Useless, Low-quality, Misrepresented Items And Services Is An Excellent Use Of Your Energy.

Where Lipstick Is Concerned, The Important Thing Is Not Color, But To Accept God's Final Word On Where Your Lips End.

You Know You're Getting Old When You Get That One Candle On The Cake. It's Like, 'see If You Can Blow This Out.'

There's No Way That Moving In With Your Parents Is A Sign That Your Life Is On Track.

But I Don't Want To Be A Pirate!

That's The True Spirit Of Christmas; People Being Helped By People Other Than Me.

Trending Author

Charlotte Perkins Gilman

Richard Hammond

Category