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Somebody Just Gave Me A Shower Radio. Thanks A Lot. Do You Really Want Music In The Shower? I Guess There's No Better Place To Dance Than A Slick Surface Next To A Glass Door.
-Jerry Seinfeld
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Somebody Just Gave Me

Jerry Seinfeld
Somebody Just Gave Me A Shower Radio. Thanks A Lot. Do You Really Want Music In The Shower? I Guess There's No Better Place To Dance Than A Slick Surface Next To A Glass Door.
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Topic
Funny
Music
Humorous
More From Jerry Seinfeld
What's With This Weird Hotel Custom Of Leaving A Piece Of Chocolate On The Pillow? I Awoke Thinking My Brain Had Hemorrhaged Some Sort Of Fecal Matter.
Thinking
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Of Course, Everyone Wants To Be Healthy. The Amusing Thing Is No One's Really Sure How To Do It.
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When Men Are Growing Up And They're Reading About Batman, Spiderman, Superman ... Those Are Not Fantasies ... They're Options.
Growing Up
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Why Does That Pharmacist Have To Be Two And A Half Feet Higher Than Everybody Else? Who The Hell Is This Guy? "clear Out, Everybody. I'm Working With Pills Up Here. I'm Taking Them From This Big Bottle And Then I'm Gonna Put Them In The Little Bottle. That's My Whole Job. I Can't Be Down On The Floor With You People."
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I Wrote An Article On A New Porsche For 'automobile Magazine.' I Knew The Editor, And She Asked Me To Write This Article. So I'm More Proud Of That Than Anything.
Writing
Editors
Magazines
The Only Way A Show Works Is You Find People Who You Think Are Qualified And Talented And You Give Them A Chance To Do What They Do.
Thinking
People
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Isn't It Weird That We Drink Milk, Stuff Designed To Nourish Baby Cows? How Did That Happen? Did Some Cattleman Once Say, "oh, Man, I Can't Wait Till Them Calves Are Done So I Can Get Me A Hit Of That Stuff."
Baby
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Did You Know That The Original Title For War And Peace Was War, What Is It Good For?
War
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Marine Biologist
There Is No More Embarrassing Thing In My Life Than The Fact That I Have Actually Uttered The Phrase, 'i Would Like To Order The Ginsu Knife.'
Order
Knives
Phrases
It's Like Having... You Know, Your Phone Has A Charger, Right? It's Like Having A Charger For Your Whole Body And Mind. That's What Transcendental Meditation Is!
Phones
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Well, Birthdays Are Merely Symbolic Of How Another Year Has Gone By And How Little We've Grown. No Matter How Desperate We Are That Someday A Better Self Will Emerge, With Each Flicker Of The Candles On The Cake, We Know It's Not To Be, That For The Rest Of Our Sad, Wretched Pathetic Lives, This Is Who We Are To The Bitter End. Inevitably, Irrevocably; Happy Birthday? No Such Thing.
Birthday
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Sometimes The Road Less Traveled Is Less Traveled For A Reason.
Life
Sarcastic
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The Best Revenge Is Living Well.
Revenge
Live Well
Wells
Have You Ever Noticed How They Keep Improving Your Laundry Detergent, But They Still Can't Get Those Blue Flakes Out? Why Do We Trust Them To Get Our Clothes Clean? These Guys Can't Even Get The Detergent White!
Blue
White
Clothes
I See Tv Ads About Detergents That Can Get Blood Stains Out Of Your Cloths. I Say If You Have Blood Stains On Your Cloths You Should Be Thinking About Something Other Than Laundry.
Thinking
Blood
Clothes
We Know The Product Is Going To Stink. We Know That Because We Live In The World, And We Know That Everything Stinks. We All Believe, Hey, Maybe This One Wont Stink. We Are A Hopeful Species. Stupid But Hopeful. But Were Happy In That Moment Between The Commercial And The Purchase. And I Think Spending Your Life Trying To Dupe Innocent People Out Of Hard-won Earnings To Buy Useless, Low-quality, Misrepresented Items And Services Is An Excellent Use Of Your Energy.
Stupid
Believe
Thinking
Having Fun Is A Very Particular Skill. And Not Everyone Has That Skill.
Fun
Skills
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Economy Is Essential To All Good Art.
Art
Essentials
Economy
Did You Ever Notice, When You Are Sitting At A Red Light, That When The Person In Front Of You Pulls Up A Couple Of Inches, You Are Compelled To Move Up Too? Do We Really Think We Are Making Progress Toward Our Destination? "whew, I Thought We Would Be Late, But Now That I Am Nine Inches Closer, I Can Stop For Coffee And A Danish!"
Couple
Coffee
Moving
Writer's Block Is A Phony, Made Up, Bs Excuse For Not Doing Your Work.
Block
Writing
Excuse
I Am A Very Organized Person. I Get Up At 6:15 A.m., The Kids Get Up At 6:45 A.m., And So I Get Up And Get It In. I’m Addicted To The High Function. To Me It’s A Work Thing - If You Meditate, You Can Get So Much Work Done. I Always Say To People You Know How About Three Nights A Year You Get A Good Night Sleep? You Can Have It Every Day With Meditation.
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The Truth Is, I Had Always Wanted To Be A Comedian, But I Really Didn't Have That Kind Of Personality, And It's A Terrifying Thing To Say.
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Why Is Mcdonalds Still Counting? How Insecure Is This Company? 40 Million, 80 Billion Million Jillion Killion Tillion... Who Cares? Is Anyone Really Impressed By That Any More? Ooh, 89 Billion Sold? All Right, I'll Have One! I'm Satisfied! I'd Like To Tell The Ceo Of Mcdonalds, "look. We All Get It, Okay? You've Sold A Lot Of Hamburgers. Whatever The Number Is, Just Put Up A Sign, 'mcdonalds: We're Doing Very Well.' We Are Tired Of Hearing About Every Goddamn One Of Them."
Tired
Insecure
Numbers
I Prefer The Old Theaters Because The Audience Is... Trapped.
Theater
Audience
Trapped
Women Go After Doctors Like Men Go After Models. They Want Someone With Knowledge Of The Body. We Just Want The Body.
Men
Doctors
Body
The Blessing In Life Is When You Find The Torture You Are Comfortable With. That's Marriage, It's Kids, It's Work, It's Exercise. Find The Torture You're Comfortable With And You'll Do Well. You've Mastered That, You've Mastered Life.
Kids
Exercise
Blessing
See, The Thing Of It Is, There's A Lot Of Ugly People Out There Walking Around But They Don't Know They're Ugly Because Nobody Actually Tells Them.
People
Ugly
Walking
What Would The World Be Like If People Said Whatever They Were Thinking, All The Time, Whenever It Came To Them? How Long Would A Blind Date Last? About 13 Seconds, I Think. Oh, Sorry, Your Rear End Is Too Big. That's Ok, Your Breath Stinks Anyway. See You Later.
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Thinking
Dating
There Are More Social Skills Required To Talk One-on-one [than To An Audience]. You Don't Have To Be Socially Fluid To Talk To Two Thousand People.
Skills
Two
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I Wonder Is Illiterate People Know The Full Meaning Of Alphabet Soup?
People
Soup
Alphabet
Men Want To Make Women Happy.
Men
Want
The Human Body Is Like A Condominium. The Thing That Keeps You From Really Enjoying It Is The Maintenance.
Maintenance
Body
Enjoy
Boy, I Miss The Days They Made Toys That Could Kill A Kid.
Kids
Boys
Missing
Dogs Want To Be People. That's What Their Lives Are About. They Don't Like Being A Dog. They're With People All The Time, They Want To Graduate. My Dog Would Sit There All Day, He Would Watch Me Walk By, He Would Think To Himself, "i Could Do That! He's Not That Good.
Dog
Thinking
People
I Had A Parakeet That Used To Fly Around The House And Crash Into These Huge Mirrors My Mother Put In. Ever Heard Of This Interior Design Principle, That A Mirror Makes It Seem Like You Have An Entire Other Room? What Kind Of Jerk Walks Up To A Mirror And Goes, Hey Look, There's A Whole Other Room In There. There's A Guy That Looks Just Like Me In There.
Mother
Mirrors
Guy
The Idea Behind The Tuxedo Is The Woman's Point Of View That Men Are All The Same; So We Might As Well Dress Them That Way. That's Why A Wedding Is Like The Joining Together Of A Beautiful, Glowing Bride And Some Guy. The Tuxedo Is A Wedding Safety Device, Created By Women Because They Know That Men Are Undependable. So In Case The Groom Chickens Out, Everybody Just Takes One Step Over, And She Marries The Next Guy.
Beautiful
Men
Ideas
You Know The Message You're Sending Out To The World With These Sweatpants? You're Telling The World, 'i Give Up. I Can't Compete In Normal Society. I'm Miserable, So I Might As Well Be Comfortable.
Giving Up
World
Might
The Best Piece Of Advice I Received Before I Got Married Was, "be Careful What You Say When You're In A Fight, Because It Could Stick In Someone's Head." I Don't Think I've Ever Said Anything I Really Regretted. I'm Very Sympathetic To Women. I've Really Studied Wife-ology, And I Know You've Got To Figure Out The Feelings. Deal With The Feelings.
Fighting
Thinking
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I Know I'm Not Going To Understand Women. I'll Never Understand How You Can Take Boiling Hot Wax, Pour It Onto Your Upper Thigh, Rip The Hair Out By The Root, And Still Be Afraid Of A Spider.
Rip
Roots
Hair
The Less You Know About A Field, The Better Your Odds. Dumb Boldness Is The Best Way To Approach A New Challenge.
Odds
Dumb
Challenges
Fatherhood Makes You Cute. Women Find Bumbling Fathers Cute And Attractive.
Cute
Father
Fatherhood
A Movie Is Kind Of Like Being The Captain Of A Ship, Which Is Nice, But When I Perform By Myself It's Just Surfing On The Water And Nobody Really Knows What Happens.
Nice
Water
Surfing
Actually, The Only Memory I Have Of Being A Cub Scout Was Trying To Get My Hat Back. That Was All I Did. Run Back And Forth At My Bus Stop Going "quit It."
Running
Memories
Bus Stops
Then, Finally, The Third Year, Begging The Parents, I Got The Superman Halloween Costume. Cardboard Box, Self-made Top, Mask Included. Remember The Rubber Band On The Back Of That Mask? That Was A Quality Item There, Wasn't It? That Was Good For About 10 Seconds Before It Snapped Out Of That Cheap Little Staple They Put It In There With.
Halloween
Self
Years
You Know, Crankiness Is At The Essence Of All Comedy.
Essence
Comedy
Crankiness
There's Very Little Advice In Men's Magazines, Because Men Don't Think There's A Lot They Don't Know. Women Do. Women Want To Learn. Men Think, 'i Know What I'm Doing, Just Show Me Somebody Naked.'
Funny
Humor
Men
People Don't Just Bump Into Each Other And Have Sex. This Isn't Cinemax.
Sex
People
Bumps
Pain Is Usually Represented By Lightning Attacking The Guy. Glowing Redness Is Also Popular. Sometimes Parts Of The Guy Would Just Burst Into Flames.
Pain
Glowing
Flames
Would Somebody Please Explain To Me Those Signs That Say, "no Animals Allowed Except For Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who Is That Sign For? Is It For The Dog, Or The Blind Person?
Dog
Eye
Animal
If Professional Wrestling Did Not Exist, Could You Come Up With This Idea? Could You Envision The Popularity Of Huge Men In Tiny Bathing Suits, Pretending To Fight?
Wrestling
Fighting
Men
Let's Face It, The Human Body Is Like A Condominium Apartment. The Thing That Keeps You Really Enjoying It Is The Maintenance. There's A Tremendous Amount Of Daily, Weekly, Monthly And Yearly Work That Has To Be Done. From Showering To Open Heart Surgery, We're Always Doing Something To Ourselves. If Your Body Was A Used Car, You Wouldn't Buy It.
Heart
Car
Faces
Anyone Who Would Laugh At A Recital Is Probably Some Sort Of Lunatic Anyway. I Mean, Only A Sick, Twisted Mind Could Be That Rude And Ignorant.
Mean
Sick
Laughing
The Four Levels Of Comedy: Make Your Friends Laugh, Make Strangers Laugh, Get Paid To Make Strangers Laugh, And Make People Talk Like You Because It's So Much Fun.
Laughter
Fun
Strangers And Friends
People On Dates Shouldn't Even Be Allowed Out In Public.
People
To Me, If Life Boils Down To One Thing, It's Movement. To Live Is To Keep Moving.
Moving
Life Is Good
Movement
Everybody In New York City Knows There's Way More Cars Than Parking Spaces. You See Cars Driving In New York All Hours Of The Night. Its Like Musical Chairs Except Everybody Sat Down Around 1964.
Funny
New York
Humorous
Artists Are Always Looking For New Things And Fresh Ground And Fresh Air. If It Feels New To Me, There's A Chance It'll Feel New To The Audience And We'll Have Found Something.
Artist
Air
Chance
I'm In The Unfortunate Position Of Having To Consider Other People's Feelings
People
Feelings
Unfortunate
Celebrity Is No Different From Any Other Energy. It's A Force For Good Or Evil. It's No Different From Money. It's Power.
Evil
Energy
Different
The Hardest Thing In Comedy Is To Have The Biggest Laugh At The End, And It’s The Most Satisfying Thing.
Laughing
Ends
There Are Many Things You Can Point To As Proof That The Human Is Not Smart. But My Personal Favorite Would Have To Be That We Needed To Invent The Helmet. What Was Happening, Apparently, Was That We Were Involved In A Lot Of Activities That Were Cracking Our Heads. We Chose Not To Avoid Doing Those Activities But, Instead, To Come Up With Some Sort Of Device To Help Us Enjoy Our Head-cracking Lifestyles.
Smart
Helping
Lifestyle
We Want To Do A Lot Of Stuff; We're Not In Great Shape, We Didn't Get A Good Night's Sleep, We're A Little Depressed. Coffee Solves All These Problems In One Delightful Little Cup.
Good Night
Coffee
Sleep
I Love Being A Dad. I Just Love It.
Dad
Love Is
Being A Dad
Introducing 'lite': The New Way To Spell 'light'; But With Twenty Per Cent Fewer Letters.
Hilarious
Light
Twenties
Wise Is What You Want To Be. Smart Is Easy Compared To Wise.
Wise
Smart
Want
Your Blessing In Life Is When You Find The Torture You're Comfortable With.
Blessing
Life Is
Torture
I Know What I'm Doing, Just Show Me Somebody Naked.
Sexy
Naked
Show Me
There Is No Such Thing As An Attention Span. There Is Only The Quality Of What You Are Viewing. This Whole Idea Of An Attention Span Is, I Think, A Misnomer. People Have An Infinite Attention Span If You Are Entertaining Them.
Thinking
Ideas
People
Why Do People Give Each Other Flowers? To Celebrate Various Important Occasions, They’re Killing Living Creatures? Why Restrict It To Plants? 'sweetheart, Let’s Make Up. Have This Deceased Squirrel.
Funny
Flower
Squirrels
I Wonder If Illiterate People Get The Full Effect Of Alphabet Soup?
Education
Humor
People
Keep Your Head Up In Failure And Your Head Down In Success.
Success
Failure
Not Giving Up
You Can Measure Distance By Time. 'how Far Away Is It?' 'oh About 20 Minutes.' But It Doesn't Work The Other Way. 'when Do You Get Off Work?' 'around 3 Miles.'
Distance
Way
Minutes
That's The True Spirit Of Christmas; People Being Helped By People Other Than Me.
Funny
Christmas
People
You'll Fold Faster Than Superman On Laundry Day
Laundry
Faster
Pta
If I Want A Long, Boring Story With No Point To It, I Have My Life.
Long
Stories
Want
We Got The Hot Fudge On The Bottom.... That Allows You To Control The Fudge Distribution While You're Eating Your Ice Cream.
Ice Cream
Hot
Fudge
Make No Mistake About Why These Babies Are Here - They Are Here To Replace Us.
Baby
Funny Life
Mistake
This Is One Of My Big Things Of Creative Pursuits. You Have Your Idea You Want To Do, But Then You Got To Figure Out What Does This Thing Want To Be? You Got To Let It Lead You A Little.
Ideas
Creative
Want
Our Good Time Is Sitting In A Coffee Shop With A Newspaper, Writing A Line On The Back Of A Napkin. That Is The Most Fun Comedians Ever Have
Fun
Coffee
Writing
What's The Point Of Dating Without Games? How Do You Know If You're Winning Or Losing?
Winning
Games
Dating
The Big Advantage Of A Book Is That It's Very Easy To Rewind. Close It And You're Right Back At The Beginning.
Funny
Reading
Book
Everything Is In How You Are Going To Handle It. As A Lifelong Nightclub Comic, I'm Ready To Handle Whatever I Have To Handle.
Comic
Lifelong
Ready
I'll Tell You What I Like About Chinese People: They're Hanging In There With The Chop Sticks, Aren't They? You Know They've Seen The Fork. They're Staying With The Sticks.
Funny
People
Chinese
I Have A Problem With That Silver Medal. It's Like, 'congratulation S, You Almost Won. Of All The Losers, You're The Number One Loser. No One Lost Ahead Of You.'
Congratulations
Numbers
Loser
When You Interrupt, You've Stopped Listening. People Need To Be Heard.
People
Listening
Needs
Have You Ever Noticed That The Waiter Who Takes Your Order Is Not The One Who Brings Your Food Anymore? What Is That About? And Which Waiter Are You Tipping, Anyway? I Think Next Time I Go To A Restaurant I'll Just Say, "oh, Sorry, I Only Eat The Food. The Guy Who Pays The Bill Will Be Along Shortly."
Sorry
Thinking
Order
The Worst Thing About Television Is That Everybody You See On Television Is Doing Something Better Than What You're Doing. You Never See Anybody On Tv Just Sliding Off The Front Of The Sofa, With Potato Chip Crumbs All Over Their Shirt.
Doing You
Television
Potato Chips
I Was In Front Of An Ambulance The Other Day, And I Noticed That The Word Ambulance Was Spelled In Reverse Print On The Hood Of The Ambulance. And I Thought, Well, Isn't That Clever. I Look In The Rear-view Mirror; I Can Read The Word Ambulance Behind Me. Of Course While You're Reading, You Don't See Where You're Going, You Crash. You Need An Ambulance. I Think They're Trying To Drum Up Some Business On The Way Back From Lunch.
Clever
Reading
Thinking
I've Been Car Crazy My Whole Life, Since I Was Nine Years Old. It's Just Something I'm Very Aware Of.
Crazy
Years
Car
Not That There's Anything Wrong With That.
Memorable
Kramer
Thirsty
One Day I Was Watching These Construction Workers Go Back To Work. I Was Watching Them Kind Of Trudging Down The Street. It Was Like A Revelation To Me. I Realized These Guys Don’t Want To Go Back To Work After Lunch. But They’re Going. That’s Their Job. If They Can Exhibit That Level Of Dedication For That Job I Should Be Able To Do The Same. Trudge Your Ass In.
Jobs
Dedication
Construction Workers
The Greatest Thing About Being A Comedian Is Knowing Other Comedians. And You Get To Talk To Them. Its The Most Fun.
Fun
Knowing
Comedian
Somebody Just Gave Me A Shower Radio. Thanks A Lot. Do You Really Want Music In The Shower? I Guess There's No Better Place To Dance Than A Slick Surface Next To A Glass Door.
Funny
Music
Humorous
All Magic Is 'here’s A Quarter, Now It’s Gone. You’re A Jerk. Now It’s Back. You’re An Idiot. Show’s Over.'
Magic
Gone
Idiot
Seems To Me The Basic Conflict Between Men And Women, Sexually, Is That Men Are Like Firemen. To Men, Sex Is An Emergency, And No Matter What We're Doing We Can Be Ready In Two Minutes. Women, On The Other Hand, Are Like Fire. They're Very Exciting, But The Conditions Have To Be Exactly Right For It To Occur.
Sex
Funny Relationship
Men
I Was The Best Man At The Wedding... If I'm The Best Man, Why Is She Marrying Him?
Wedding
Men
Ifs
I Only Do A Show When There's Somebody I Want To Talk To.
Want
Shows
Magazines Are Another Medium I Love, Because 95% Is Simply Based On 'how The Hell Are We Going To Fill All This Blank Space?
Love Is
Space
Magazines
Golf Is The Ultimate Avoidance Activity For The Dysfunctional Dad. A Game So Nonsensically Difficult, So Pointless, So Irrationally Time Consuming, The Word Golf Itself Can Only Stand For ‘get Out, Leave Family.’
Dad
Golf
Games
Fear Of Success Is One Of The New Fears I've Heard About Lately. And I Think Its Definitely A Sign That We're Running Out Of Fears. A Person Suffering From Fear Of Success Is Scraping The Bottom Of The Fear Barrel.
Running
Thinking
Suffering
I Can Walk Through A Hotel Lobby And Watch People At The Desk And See What They're Doing. People Don't Look At Me. They Don't Even Know I'm There.
Hotel Lobby
People
Watches
A Really Hard Laugh Is Like Sex-one Of The Ultimate Diversions Of Existence.
Sex
Laughing
Existence
A Chef Who Doesn't Wash His Hands Is Like A Cop Who Steals. It's A Cry For Help.
Hands
Helping
Chef
Dogs Have No Money. Isn't That Amazing? They're Broke Their Entire Lives. But They Get Through. You Know Why Dogs Have No Money? .. No Pockets.
Funny
Inspiring
Dog
To Me A Lawyer Is Basically The Person That Knows The Rules Of The Country. We're All Throwing The Dice, Playing The Game, Moving Our Pieces Around The Board, But If There's A Problem, The Lawyer Is The Only Person That Has Actually Read The Inside Of The Top Of The Box.
Country
Moving
Games
Well, Sometimes We Do Actually Have To Get Up Early, But A Man Will Always Trade Sleep For Sex.
Sex
Sleep
Men
Can't You At Least Die With A Little Dignity?
Littles
Dignity
Dies
Surveys Show That The #1 Fear Of Americans Is Public Speaking. #2 Is Death. That Means That At A Funeral, The Average American Would Rather Be In The Casket Than Doing The Eulogy.
Mean
Average
Funeral
I Think The Answer Is We All Need A Little Help, And The Coffee's A Little Help With Everything — Social, Energy, Don't Know What To Do Next, Don't Know How To Start My Day, Don't Know How To Get Through This Afternoon, Don't Know How To Stay Alert. We Want To Do A Lot Of Stuff; We're Not In Great Shape. We Didn't Get A Good Night's Sleep. We're A Little Depressed. Coffee Solves All These Problems In One Delightful Little Cup.
Good Night
Coffee
Sleep
The Whole Object Of Comedy Is To Be Yourself And The Closer You Get To That, The Funnier You Will Be.
Being Yourself
Comedy
Whole
Why Is It Illegal To Park In A Handicapped Parking Space But Okay To Go The Bathroom In A Handicapped Stall?
Space
Parks
Bathroom
After You Get A Job And Before You Have To Do It. Nothing Beats That.
Funny
Jobs
Work
Festivus For The Restivus!
I'll Tell You One Of The Great Activities Is Skateboarding. To Learn To Do A Skateboard Trick, How Many Times Do You Gotta Get Something Wrong Til You Get It Right? ...and You Hurt Yourself, And You Learn To Do That Trick, Now You Got A Life Lesson. Every Time I See Those Skateboard Kids, I Think 'those Kids'll Be Alright.'
Hurt
Life Lesson
Kids
Sometimes I Think More Creativity Is Put Into Muffin Recipes Than Into The Rest Of Society Combined.
Creativity
Thinking
Recipes
I Have A Problem With The Strip That Runs Along The Bottom Of The News Programs. Don't These Idiots Who Run The News Programs Know We Don't Want To Read? That's Why We're Watching Tv.
Funny
Running
Watching Tv
My Wife Is Funny. And I Dabble In It. So Being Funny Is Big Around Our House. But What's Surprised Me Is My Daughter Can Do An English Accent. I Don't Know How She Learned This.
Daughter
Wife
House
Elaine: Ugh, I Hate People. Jerry: Yeah, They're The Worst.
Hate
People
Ugh
Looking At Cleavage Is Like Looking At The Sun. You Don't Stare At It, It's Too Risky. You Get A Sense Of It And Then You Look Away.
Looks
Sun
Staring
You Know What I Never Get With The Limo? The Tinted Windows. Is That So People Don't See You? Yeah, What A Better Way Not To Have People Notice You Than Taking A Thirty Foot Cadillac With A Tv Antenna And A Uniformed Driver. How Discreet. Nobody Cares Who's In The Limo. You See A Limo Go By, You Know It's Either Some Rich Jerk Or Fifty Prom Kids With $1.75 Each.
Kids
Feet
People
No Encounter, Mouth Open Up ... That Is How The Drug Businesses See The General Public.
Drug
Encounters
Mouths
The First Real Thought That I Had Of Something That I Might Do Was To Write For Car Magazines, Because I Always Had A Car Thing.
Real
Writing
Car
I'll Tell You One Thing, Since I'm Married, Single People Look Absolutely Ridiculous To Me.
People
Looks
Ridiculous
I Was In The Drug Store The Other Day Trying To Get A Cold Medication...not Easy. There's An Entire Wall Of Products You Need. You Stand There Going,"well, This One Is Quick Acting But This Is Long Lasting...which Is More Important, The Present Or The Future?"
Change
Wall
Long
A Recent Survey Stated That The Average Person's Greatest Fear Is Having To Give A Speech In Public. Somehow This Ranked Even Higher Than Death Which Was Third On The List. So, You're Telling Me That At A Funeral, Most People Would Rather Be The Guy In The Coffin Than Have To Stand Up And Give A Eulogy.
Greatest Fear
Average
People
You Can Tell What Was The Best Year Of Your Father's Life, Because They Seem To Freeze That Clothing Style And Ride It Out.
Father
Years
Style
A Dog Will Stay Stupid. That's Why We Love Them So Much. The Entire Time We Know Them, They're Idiots. Think Of Your Dog. Every Time You Come Home, He Thinks It's Amazing. He Has No Idea How You Accomplish This Every Day. You Walk In The Door; The Joy Of This Experience Overwhelms Him. He Looks At You, He's Back. It's That Guy, That Same Guy. He Can't Believe It. Everything Is Amazing To Your Dog. Another Can Of Food? I Don't Believe It.
Dog
Stupid
Believe
Having Done Quite A Bit With Studios And Networks, I Thought If I'm Going To Do Something New And Unformed, It Would Be Fun To Do It In A Completely New Space And Place. The Space Being The Internet And The Place Being Crackle.
Fun
Space
Would Be
They Seal The Subway Change-booth Guy Up Inside This Thing With Bullet-proof Glass, Closed In On All Sides, It's Like Some Kind Of Houdini Torture Tank Of Doom. How Do You Breathe In There? It Looks Like If You Put Your Hand Over The Change Slot, You Could Suffocate Him In Thirty Seconds.
Funny
Glasses
Hands
Responsible, Who Wants To Be Responsible? Whenever Something Bad Happens, It's Always, Who's Responsible For This?
Witty
Want
Responsible
There Is Nothing More Rewarding Than Completing A Goal You Have Set For Yourself.
Life
Goal
Completing
Well, Howard Stern Has Been Doing His Impression Of Me For Years. It Doesn't Really Bother Me.
Years
Impression
Bother
I Think It's Funny To Be Delicate With Subjects That Are Explosive.
Funny
Thinking
Comedy
Folks Who Go Through The Tabloids Ought To Have To Be Lied To.
Tabloids
Lied
Folks
I Wish I Was A Phone Machine. I Wish If I Saw Somebody On The Street I Didn't Want To Talk To I Could Just Go, "excuse Me, I'm Not Here Right Now, If You Just Leave A Message, I Can Walk Away."
Humorous
Phones
Wish
Cremation Has Become The Most Popular Form Of Burial In The United States... People Used To Want A Big, Thick Granite Stone, Their Names Carved Into With A Chisel. I Was Here Dammit! Cremation Is Like You're Trying To Cover Up A Crime. Burn The Body. Scatter The Ashes Around. As Far As Anyone's Concerned This Whole Thing Never Happened.
Names
People
Trying
It's Amazing That The Amount Of News That Happens In The World Every Day Always Just Exactly Fits The Newspaper.
Funny
Witty
Humorous
Marriage Is Like A Game Of Chess Except The Board Is Flowing Water, The Pieces Are Made Of Smoke And No Move You Make Will Have Any Effect On The Outcome.
Love
Relationship
Moving
I Love How You Just Make Coffee And Then Somehow Something Gets Done.
Coffee
Done
Men Don't Care What's On Tv. They Only Care What Else Is On Tv.
Funny
Witty
Humorous
Yeah, Like Bizarro Superman, Superman's Exact Opposite, Who Lives In The Backwards Bizarro World. Up Is Down, Down Is Up, He Says Hello When He Leaves, Goodbye When He Arrives.
Goodbye
Opposites
World
If A Book About Failures Doesn't Sell, Is It A Success?
Inspirational
Funny
Hilarious
There's More To Life Than Making Shallow, Fairly Obvious Observations.
Shallow
More To Life
Obvious
I Like To Try Anything... You Have To Do The Experiments To Find Out What The Formulas Are.
Trying
Formulas
Experiments
Dating Is Pressure And Tension. What Is A Date, Really, But A Job Interview That Lasts All Night?
Inspirational
Motivational
Jobs
You Can Be Passionate About Anything.
Passionate
It Reminds Me Of Like This Pathetic Friend That Everybody Had When They Were A Little Kid Who Would Let You Borrow Any Of His Stuff If You Would Just Be His Friend. That's What The Library Is. A Government Funded Pathetic Friend.
Kids
Funny Friend
Government
If You Go To A Bad Movie, It's Two Hours. If You're In A Bad Movie, It's Two Years.
Movie
Years
Two
I Can't Eat Chicken And Look At Strippers At The Same Time.
Looks
Chickens
I Can
Sex To Save The Friendship? Well If We Have To We Have To.
Sex
Wells
Ifs
The Peak Of Being A Fan Is A Hotdog And A Beer And A Seat At The Game. There's Nothing Above That. Nothing Above It.
Beer
Games
Fans
You Know Why Dogs Have No Money? No Pockets. 'cause They See Change On The Street All The Time And It's Driving Them Crazy. When You're Walking Them, He Is Always Looking Up At You. "there's A Quarter...."
Funny
Dog
Crazy
The Beatles Created Something That Never Trailed Off. What A Gift That Was To Their Fans. If You're Into The Beatles, You Loved Them From Beginning To End.
Fans
Ends
Ifs
The Truth Is, The Family Is Much More Creatively Nourishing Because You're Playing On A Full Keyboard. Whereas When You're Single, You're Just Playing The Upbeat Jazzy Tunes.
Tunes
Keyboards
Truth Is
Life Is Truly A Ride. We're All Strapped In And No One Can Stop It. When The Doctor Slaps Your Behind, He's Ripping Your Ticket And Away You Go. As You Make Each Passage From Youth To Adulthood To Maturity, Sometimes You Put Your Arms Up And Scream, Sometimes You Just Hang On To That Bar In Front Of You. But The Ride Is The Thing. I Think The Most You Can Hope For At The End Of Life Is That Your Hair's Messed, You're Out Of Breath, And You Didn't Throw Up.
Maturity
Thinking
Doctors
I Know There Are Kids Out There, I Want To Make Sure They All Know That Driving Without Braking Is Not Something I Recommend, Unless You Have Professional Clown Training Or A Comedy Background, As I Do. It Is Not Something I Plan To Make A Habit.
Kids
Training
Want
I Love The Day Date. No Wine, No Shower.
Wine
Showers
What's The Deal With Ovaltine? It Comes In A Round Container, You Put It In A Round Glass, Why Don't They Call It Roundtine?
Glasses
Deals
Containers
The Swiss Have An Interesting Army. Five Hundred Years Without A War. Pretty Impressive. Also Pretty Lucky For Them. Ever Seen That Little Swiss Army Knife They Have To Fight With? Not Much Of A Weapon There. Corkscrews. Bottle Openers. ‘come On, Buddy, Let’s Go. You Get Past Me, The Guy In The Back Of Me, He’s Got A Spoon. Back Off, I’ve Got The Toe Clippers Right Here.
Funny
War
Fighting
The Olympics Is My Favourite Sporting Event. Although I Have A Problem With That Silver Medal. When You Think About It, You Win The Gold - You Feel Good, You Win The Bronze - You Think, 'well At Least I Got Something'. But When You Win Silver, It's Like, 'congratulations, You 'almost' Won. Of All The Losers, You Came In First Of That Group. You're The Number One 'loser.' No One Lost Ahead Of You.
Congratulations
Winning
Thinking
If You've Got A Bloodstain On Your T-shirt, Maybe Dirty Laundry Isn't Your Biggest Problem.
Dirty
Problem
T Shirt
I Think Vacations Are Mostly Completely Stupid. Going To Have Coffee With A Friend, You're Probably Going To Have More Fun Than If You Go To Aruba.
Fun
Stupid
Coffee
On The Side Of Box Of My Superman Costume It Actually Said - 'do Not Attempt To Fly!'
Costumes
Sides
Boxes
The Greatest Jewish Tradition Is To Laugh. The Cornerstone Of Jewish Survival Has Always Been To Find Humor In Life And In Ourselves.
Jewish Tradition
Laughing
Survival
So The First Time You Hear The Concept Of Halloween When You're A Kid Your Brain Can't Even Process The Information. You're Like: "what Is This? What Did You Say?" "what Did You Say About Giving Out Candy? Who's Giving Out Candy?" "everyone That We Know Is Just Giving Out Candy!"
Halloween
Kids
Giving
I'd Like To Do One Of Those Jumps They Do In The Movies; In A Car, Over A Bridge, In The Air With A Huge Explosion. It Would Be A Final Moment Of Entertainment.
Air
Bridges
Car
Let's Examine The Dog Mind: Every Time You Come Home, He Thinks It's Amazing. He Can't Believe That You've Accomplished This Again. You Walk In The Door. The Joy Of It Almost Kills Him. "he's Back Again! It's That Guy! It's That Guy!"
Funny
Friendship
Dog
And That's When I Realized, When You're A Kid You Don't Need A Costume, You Are Superman.
Kids
Needs
Costumes
When You've Been In The Business 5-years, As A Person, It's Like You're 5-years Old - Like A Child. 10-years And You're 10-years Old, 20... Etcetera. That's How I Measure Maturity In This Industry.
Children
Maturity
Years
I Do Not Know Why Anyone Would Host An Awards Show. No Matter How Unbelievably Well You Do At It, The Only Thing That Can Happen Is You Get Asked Again To Host An Awards Show.
Awards
Matter
Host
The Irs! They're Like The Mafia, They Can Take Anything They Want!
Funny
Mafia
Irs
I Think That You Think That A Certain Something Is Not All That It Could Be, When, In Fact, It Is All That It Should Be, And More!
Thinking
Facts
Should
Comedy Is Just Complaining In An Entertaining Way, Enterplaining.
Complaining
Way
Comedy
I've Compiled A Book From The Internet. It's A Book Of Quotations Attributed To The Wrong People.
Book
People
Internet
I Like Any Cereal. I Like The Idea Of Just Eating And Drinking With One Hand Without Looking.
Drinking
Cereal
Hands
My Parents Didn't Want To Move To Florida, But They Turned Sixty And That's The Law.
Moving
Funny Relationship
Florida
I Love Meeting Israeli People. They Look At Me Like A Son
Son
Israel
People
Most People, You Do A Tv Series, It Ends Three, Four, Five Years Later; It's A Relic.
Years
People
Tvs
You Have To Motivate Yourself With Challenges. That's How You Know You're Still Alive.
Challenges
Alive
Crazy Ideas
I Will Never Understand Why They Cook On Tv. I Can't Smell It. Can't Eat It. Can't Taste It. The End Of The Show They Hold It Up To The Camera, 'well, Here It Is. You Can't Have Any. Thanks For Watching. Goodbye.'
Funny
Goodbye
Smell
I Like Staying In Hotels. I Like Their Tiny Soap. I Like To Pretend It's Regular-sized And My Muscles Are Huge.
Soap
Tiny
Muscles
In My World, The Wronger Something Feels, The Righter It Is.
World
Feels
If Every Instinct You Have Is Wrong, Then The Opposite Would Have To Be Right.
Opposites
Instinct
Ifs
Why Is It When You Turn On The Tv You See Ads For Telephone Companies, And When You Turn On The Radio You Hear Ads For Tv Shows, And When You Get Put On Hold On The Phone You Hear A Radio Station?
Phones
Tv Shows
Radio
What Is The Story With The Airport Sinks, That They Will Not Give Us A Twist-on Twist-off Human Faucet. "is It That Too Risky For The Human Population? We Have To Do The One-handed Pain-in-the-ass Alcatraz-style Faucets. "what Is It They Think We Will Do? Turn 'em All On Full, Run Out Into The Parking Lot, Laughing, Pushing Each Other Into The Bushes?
Running
Pain
Thinking
I Can't Go To A Bad Movie By Myself. What, Am I Gonna Make Sarcastic Remarks To Strangers?
Sarcastic
Stranger
Bad Movies
Airline Hostesses Show You How To Use A Seatbelt In Case You Haven't Been In A Car Since 1965.
Funny
Travel
Car
You Don't Even Really Need A Place. But You Feel Like You're Doing Something. That Is What Coffee Is. And That Is One Of The Geniuses Of The New Coffee Culture.
Coffee
Needs
Culture
Kids Don't Say, "wait." They Say, "wait Up, Hey Wait Up!" Because When You're Little, Your Life Is Up. The Future Is Up. Everything You Want Is Up. "hold Up. Shut Up! Mum, I'll Clean Up. Let Me Stay Up!" Parents, Of Course, Are Just The Opposite. Everything Is Down. "just Calm Down. Slow Down. Come Down Here! Sit Down. Put... That... Down."
Kids
Opposites
Waiting
Sometimes They'll Make Little Play-doh Animals, And When They Go To Sleep, I'll Break The Heads Off The Animals And Put Them At The Foot Of Their Beds For Them To Discover In The Morning. Nothing Wrong With Sending Your Kids A Little Sicilian Message.
Morning
Sleep
Kids
If Airline Seat Cushions Are Such Great Flotation Devices, Why Don't You Ever See Anyone Take One To The Beach?
Beach
Airline
Devices
These Pretzels Are Making Me Thirsty!
Thirsty
Pretzels
That's Why Breakups Take Two Or Three Times- To Build Up Immunity.
Breakup
Two
Three
Why Would Anybody Want A Friend?
Funny Friend
Want
According To Most Studies, People's Number One Fear Is Public Speaking. Number Two Is Death. Death Is Number Two. Does That Sound Right? This Means To The Average Person, If You Go To A Funeral, You're Better Off In The Casket Than Doing The Eulogy.
Funny
Motivational
Death
With Any Kind Of Physical Test, I Don't Know What It Is, I Always Seem To Get Competitive. Remember When You Were In School And They'd Do Those Hearing Tests? And You'd Really Be Listening Hard, You Know? I Wanted To Do Unbelievable On The Hearing Test. I Wanted Them To Come Over To Me After And Go, 'we Think You May Have Something Close To Super-hearing. What You Heard Was A Cotton Ball Touching A Piece Of Felt. We're Sending The Results To Washington, We'd Like You To Meet The President.'
School
Thinking
Touching
Let's Face It: A Date Is A Job-interview, That Lasts All Night. The Only Difference Between A Date And A Job Interview Is: Not Many Job-interviews Is There A Chance You'll End Up Naked At The End Of It.
Jobs
Night
Differences
I Have No Plants In My House. They Won't Live For Me. Some Of Them Don't Even Wait To Die, They Commit Suicide.
Suicide
Suicidal
House
Nothing In Life Is Fun For The Whole Family. There Are No Massage Parlors With Ice Cream And Free Jewelry.
Funny
Ice Cream
Massage
I Am Speechless: I Have No Speech
Speech
Speechless
Understanding Quotes: Their Essence and Application

Quotes, or quotations, are powerful tools in communication, encapsulating ideas, emotions, and wisdom in concise expressions. They serve various purposes across different contexts, from academic writing to everyday conversation.

1. Defining Quotes

A quote is a repetition of someone else's statement or thoughts. It can be a direct replication of words spoken or written by another individual, often used to support arguments, provide evidence, or convey profound insights.


2. The Importance of Quotes

2.1. Enhancing Credibility

Incorporating quotes from authoritative sources can bolster the credibility of your work. By referencing experts or primary sources, you demonstrate thorough research and a solid foundation for your arguments.


2.2. Providing Evidence

Quotes serve as concrete evidence to support claims. In academic and professional writing, they validate points made, offering readers a basis to trust the information presented.


2.3. Conveying Emotions and Perspectives

Quotes can encapsulate emotions and perspectives succinctly. They allow writers to express complex feelings or viewpoints through the words of others, often more eloquently than paraphrasing.


3. Types of Quotes

3.1. Direct Quotes

Direct quotes involve copying the exact words from a source, enclosed in quotation marks. They are used when the original wording is significant or particularly well-expressed.


3.2. Indirect Quotes (Paraphrasing)

Indirect quotes restate the original message in your own words. While not enclosed in quotation marks, they still require proper attribution to the original source.


3.3. Block Quotes

Block quotes are lengthy direct quotations, formatted as a separate block of text. They are typically used for quotes exceeding a certain length, varying by citation style. For instance, in APA style, quotes longer than 40 words are formatted as block quotes.



4. Proper Usage of Quotes


4.1. Contextual Relevance

Ensure that the quote you choose is relevant to the topic and adds value to your content. Avoid inserting quotes solely for decorative purposes.


4.2. Integration into Your Writing

Seamlessly integrate quotes into your writing. Introduce them appropriately and follow up with analysis or commentary to connect them to your main points.


4.3. Attribution and Citation

Always attribute quotes to their original authors and provide proper citations according to the required style guide (APA, MLA, Chicago, etc.).


5. Common Mistakes to Avoid


5.1. Overusing Quotes

Relying too heavily on quotes can overshadow your voice. Use them sparingly to support your arguments, not replace them.


5.2. Lack of Analysis

Presenting a quote without analysis or explanation can leave readers questioning its relevance. Always follow up with your interpretation or discussion.


5.3. Misquoting or Taking Out of Context

Ensure that quotes are accurate and not taken out of context, as this can mislead readers and undermine your credibility.



6. Quotes in Different Contexts


6.1. Academic Writing

In academic writing, quotes are used to support arguments, provide evidence, and engage with existing literature. Proper citation is crucial to avoid plagiarism.


6.2. Journalism

Journalists use quotes to provide firsthand accounts, add authenticity, and present multiple perspectives within a story.


6.3. Literature and Creative Writing

In literature, quotes can be used to convey character voices, themes, and stylistic elements. They enrich narratives and provide depth to storytelling.



7. Punctuation and Formatting


Understanding the correct punctuation and formatting of quotes is essential:


Quotation Marks: Always enclose direct quotes within quotation marks.


Punctuation Placement: In American English, periods and commas are placed inside quotation marks, while colons and semicolons are placed outside.


Block Quotes: For longer quotes, format them as block quotes without quotation marks, and indent the entire block.



8. Ethical Considerations


Ethical use of quotes involves accurate representation, proper attribution, and respect for intellectual property. Misuse can lead to plagiarism, which carries serious academic and professional consequences.

9. Tools for Managing Quotes


Utilize tools like citation generators and plagiarism checkers to manage quotes effectively. These tools help ensure proper formatting and originality in your writing.



Conclusion


Quotes are invaluable in enriching content, providing evidence, and conveying complex ideas succinctly. When used appropriately, they enhance the quality and credibility of your writing. Always ensure relevance, proper integration, and ethical usage to maximize their impact.


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