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It Reminds Me Of Like This Pathetic Friend That Everybody Had When They Were A Little Kid Who Would Let You Borrow Any Of His Stuff If You Would Just Be His Friend. That's What The Library Is. A Government Funded Pathetic Friend.

-Jerry Seinfeld

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It Reminds Me Of

Jerry Seinfeld

...

It Reminds Me Of Like This Pathetic Friend That Everybody Had When They Were A Little Kid Who Would Let You Borrow Any Of His Stuff If You Would Just Be His Friend. That's What The Library Is. A Government Funded Pathetic Friend.

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Everybody Lies About Sex. People Lie During Sex. If It Weren't For Lies, There'd Be No Sex.

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Success Is The Enemy Of Comedy.

If Every Instinct You Have Is Wrong, Then The Opposite Would Have To Be Right.

Not That There's Anything Wrong With That.

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Most People, You Do A Tv Series, It Ends Three, Four, Five Years Later; It's A Relic.

I Didn't Know Every Day I Would Be Discussing The Tone Of My Voice With My Wife. I Thought It Was A Marriage. Apparently, It's A Musical.

I've Been Car Crazy My Whole Life, Since I Was Nine Years Old. It's Just Something I'm Very Aware Of.

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If You Can't Be Kind, At Least Have The Decency To Be Vague.

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A Two-year-old Is Kind Of Like Having A Blender, But You Don't Have A Top For It.

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I Think It's Funny To Be Delicate With Subjects That Are Explosive.

There's Nothing More Fun Than Entertaining Kids.

Economy Is Essential To All Good Art.

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Men Don't Care What's On Tv. They Only Care What Else Is On Tv.

Golf Is The Ultimate Avoidance Activity For The Dysfunctional Dad. A Game So Nonsensically Difficult, So Pointless, So Irrationally Time Consuming, The Word Golf Itself Can Only Stand For ‘get Out, Leave Family.’

Sometimes I Think More Creativity Is Put Into Muffin Recipes Than Into The Rest Of Society Combined.

But I Don't Want To Be A Pirate!

Men, As An Organization, Are Getting More Women Than Any Other Group Working Anywhere In The World. Wherever Women Are, We Have Men Looking Into It.

Artists Are Always Looking For New Things And Fresh Ground And Fresh Air. If It Feels New To Me, There's A Chance It'll Feel New To The Audience And We'll Have Found Something.

Seems To Me The Basic Conflict Between Men And Women, Sexually, Is That Men Are Like Firemen. To Men, Sex Is An Emergency, And No Matter What We're Doing We Can Be Ready In Two Minutes. Women, On The Other Hand, Are Like Fire. They're Very Exciting, But The Conditions Have To Be Exactly Right For It To Occur.

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I Have A Friend Who's Collecting Unemployment Insurance. This Guy Has Never Worked So Hard In His Life As He Has To Keep This Thing Going. He's Down There Every Week, Waiting On The Lines And Getting Interviewed And Making Up All These Lies About Looking For Jobs. If They Had Any Idea Of The Effort And Energy That He Is Expending To Avoid Work, I'm Sure They'd Give Him A Raise.

People Don't Think Of Their Office As A Workplace Anymore. They Think Of It As A Stationary Store With Danish. You Want To Get Your Pastry, Your Envelopes, Your Supplies, Your Toilet Paper, Six Cups Of Coffee, And You Go Home.

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I Love Advertising Because I Love Lying. I Think Spending Your Life Trying To Dupe Innocent People Out Of Hard-won Earnings To Buy Useless, Low-quality, Misrepresented Items And Services Is An Excellent Use Of Your Energy.

Some Of The Events In The Olympics Don't Make Sense To Me. I Don't Understand The Connection To Any Reality... Like In The Winter Olympics They Have That Biathlon That Combines Cross-country Skiing With Shooting A Gun. How Many Alpine Snipers Are Into This? Ski, Shoot A Gun... Ski, Bang, Bang, Bang... It's Like Combining Swimming And Strangling A Guy. Why Don't We Have That? That Makes Absolutely As Much Sense To Me. Just Put People In The Pool At The End Of Each Lane For The Swimmers.

The Toughest Nights When I Was A Young, Unknown Comedian Were Opening For These Real Old-time Italian Singers. I'm Like Grace Jones To Them. "this Guy Is Nuts-talking About Socks. Where's The Wife Jokes, Where's The Fat Jokes?"

What's The Deal With Ovaltine? It Comes In A Round Container, You Put It In A Round Glass, Why Don't They Call It Roundtine?

What The Hell, I'll Just Eat Some Trash.

One Day I Was Watching These Construction Workers Go Back To Work. I Was Watching Them Kind Of Trudging Down The Street. It Was Like A Revelation To Me. I Realized These Guys Don’t Want To Go Back To Work After Lunch. But They’re Going. That’s Their Job. If They Can Exhibit That Level Of Dedication For That Job I Should Be Able To Do The Same. Trudge Your Ass In.

Construction Workers

I Will Never Understand Why They Cook On Tv. I Can't Smell It. Can't Eat It. Can't Taste It. The End Of The Show They Hold It Up To The Camera, 'well, Here It Is. You Can't Have Any. Thanks For Watching. Goodbye.'

When Someone Does A Small Task Beautifully, Their Whole Environment Is Affected By It.

Dogs Want To Be People. That's What Their Lives Are About. They Don't Like Being A Dog. They're With People All The Time, They Want To Graduate. My Dog Would Sit There All Day, He Would Watch Me Walk By, He Would Think To Himself, "i Could Do That! He's Not That Good.

Writer's Block Is A Phony, Made Up, Bs Excuse For Not Doing Your Work.

All I Ever Wanted To Do Is Make People Laugh.

Making People Laugh

People On Dates Shouldn't Even Be Allowed Out In Public.

That's The Most Comfortable Place For Me. In The Beginning, Yes, I Was Nervous Going On Stage. I Was Not A Natural Performer. I Really Had To Acquire That Skill.

The Greatest Thing About Being A Comedian Is Knowing Other Comedians. And You Get To Talk To Them. Its The Most Fun.

Actually, The Only Memory I Have Of Being A Cub Scout Was Trying To Get My Hat Back. That Was All I Did. Run Back And Forth At My Bus Stop Going "quit It."

If You Go To A Bad Movie, It's Two Hours. If You're In A Bad Movie, It's Two Years.

I Know What I'm Doing, Just Show Me Somebody Naked.

You Know I Have Been Issued A Public Urination Pass By The City Because Of My Condition. Unfortunately, My Little Brother Ran Out Of The House With It This Morning. Him And His Friends Are Probably Peeing All Over The City.

You Have To Motivate Yourself With Challenges. That's How You Know You're Still Alive.

I'll Tell You One Thing, Since I'm Married, Single People Look Absolutely Ridiculous To Me.

This Is One Of My Big Things Of Creative Pursuits. You Have Your Idea You Want To Do, But Then You Got To Figure Out What Does This Thing Want To Be? You Got To Let It Lead You A Little.

See, You Know How To Take The Reservation, You Just Don't Know How To Hold The Reservation And That's Really The Most Important Part Of The Reservation, The Holding. Anybody Can Just Take Them.

My Parents Didn't Want To Move To Florida, But They Turned Sixty And That's The Law.

Funny Relationship

There Are More Social Skills Required To Talk One-on-one [than To An Audience]. You Don't Have To Be Socially Fluid To Talk To Two Thousand People.

It's Hard To Do Nothing Because You Tend To Do Something And Then You Have To Drop Everything.

I Don't Return Fruit. Fruit's A Gamble. I Know That Going In.

To Me, If Life Boils Down To One Thing, It's Movement. To Live Is To Keep Moving.

Kids Don't Say, "wait." They Say, "wait Up, Hey Wait Up!" Because When You're Little, Your Life Is Up. The Future Is Up. Everything You Want Is Up. "hold Up. Shut Up! Mum, I'll Clean Up. Let Me Stay Up!" Parents, Of Course, Are Just The Opposite. Everything Is Down. "just Calm Down. Slow Down. Come Down Here! Sit Down. Put... That... Down."

Folks Who Go Through The Tabloids Ought To Have To Be Lied To.

We Sold 'seinfeld' All Over The World But It Was A Very Specific Kind Of Show. In Some Countries It Went Down Really Well, In Others They Hated It.

Then, Finally, The Third Year, Begging The Parents, I Got The Superman Halloween Costume. Cardboard Box, Self-made Top, Mask Included. Remember The Rubber Band On The Back Of That Mask? That Was A Quality Item There, Wasn't It? That Was Good For About 10 Seconds Before It Snapped Out Of That Cheap Little Staple They Put It In There With.

You Know What I Never Get With The Limo? The Tinted Windows. Is That So People Don't See You? Yeah, What A Better Way Not To Have People Notice You Than Taking A Thirty Foot Cadillac With A Tv Antenna And A Uniformed Driver. How Discreet. Nobody Cares Who's In The Limo. You See A Limo Go By, You Know It's Either Some Rich Jerk Or Fifty Prom Kids With $1.75 Each.

I Think That You Think That A Certain Something Is Not All That It Could Be, When, In Fact, It Is All That It Should Be, And More!

What Is The Story With The Airport Sinks, That They Will Not Give Us A Twist-on Twist-off Human Faucet. "is It That Too Risky For The Human Population? We Have To Do The One-handed Pain-in-the-ass Alcatraz-style Faucets. "what Is It They Think We Will Do? Turn 'em All On Full, Run Out Into The Parking Lot, Laughing, Pushing Each Other Into The Bushes?

Why Do People Give Each Other Flowers? To Celebrate Various Important Occasions, They’re Killing Living Creatures? Why Restrict It To Plants? 'sweetheart, Let’s Make Up. Have This Deceased Squirrel.

Have You Ever Seen That Guy Who Has The Record For Fattest Man In The World? Bob Hughes, The Fattest Man In The World... 1400 Pounds. Ladies And Gentlemen, The Man Has Let Himself Go.

Our Good Time Is Sitting In A Coffee Shop With A Newspaper, Writing A Line On The Back Of A Napkin. That Is The Most Fun Comedians Ever Have

Let's Face It, The Human Body Is Like A Condominium Apartment. The Thing That Keeps You Really Enjoying It Is The Maintenance. There's A Tremendous Amount Of Daily, Weekly, Monthly And Yearly Work That Has To Be Done. From Showering To Open Heart Surgery, We're Always Doing Something To Ourselves. If Your Body Was A Used Car, You Wouldn't Buy It.

Let's Examine The Dog Mind: Every Time You Come Home, He Thinks It's Amazing. He Can't Believe That You've Accomplished This Again. You Walk In The Door. The Joy Of It Almost Kills Him. "he's Back Again! It's That Guy! It's That Guy!"

If I Want A Long, Boring Story With No Point To It, I Have My Life.

Having A 2 Year Old Is Like Having A Blender That You Don't Have The Top For.

I Had A Dream Last Night That A Hamburger Was Eating Me.

We're All Trying To Get To The Same Island — Whether You Swim, Fly, Surf, Or Skydive, It Doesn't Matter. What Matters Is When The Red Light Goes On.

If Someone's Lying, Are Their Pants Really On Fire

You Know The Message You're Sending Out To The World With These Sweatpants? You're Telling The World, 'i Give Up. I Can't Compete In Normal Society. I'm Miserable, So I Might As Well Be Comfortable.

You'll Fold Faster Than Superman On Laundry Day

They Seal The Subway Change-booth Guy Up Inside This Thing With Bullet-proof Glass, Closed In On All Sides, It's Like Some Kind Of Houdini Torture Tank Of Doom. How Do You Breathe In There? It Looks Like If You Put Your Hand Over The Change Slot, You Could Suffocate Him In Thirty Seconds.

Introducing 'lite': The New Way To Spell 'light'; But With Twenty Per Cent Fewer Letters.

Let's Face It: A Date Is A Job-interview, That Lasts All Night. The Only Difference Between A Date And A Job Interview Is: Not Many Job-interviews Is There A Chance You'll End Up Naked At The End Of It.

Ever Noticed That No Matter What Happens In One Day, It Exactly Fits In The Newspaper?

Well, Sometimes We Do Actually Have To Get Up Early, But A Man Will Always Trade Sleep For Sex.

Taking In A Baseball Game On Tv Is Also A Big Treat.

People Who Read The Tabloids Deserve To Be Lied To.

I Had A Parakeet That Used To Fly Around The House And Crash Into These Huge Mirrors My Mother Put In. Ever Heard Of This Interior Design Principle, That A Mirror Makes It Seem Like You Have An Entire Other Room? What Kind Of Jerk Walks Up To A Mirror And Goes, Hey Look, There's A Whole Other Room In There. There's A Guy That Looks Just Like Me In There.

I Was In Front Of An Ambulance The Other Day, And I Noticed That The Word Ambulance Was Spelled In Reverse Print On The Hood Of The Ambulance. And I Thought, Well, Isn't That Clever. I Look In The Rear-view Mirror; I Can Read The Word Ambulance Behind Me. Of Course While You're Reading, You Don't See Where You're Going, You Crash. You Need An Ambulance. I Think They're Trying To Drum Up Some Business On The Way Back From Lunch.

A Recent Survey Stated That The Average Person's Greatest Fear Is Having To Give A Speech In Public. Somehow This Ranked Even Higher Than Death Which Was Third On The List. So, You're Telling Me That At A Funeral, Most People Would Rather Be The Guy In The Coffin Than Have To Stand Up And Give A Eulogy.

I Mean, She's Giving And Caring And Genuinely Concerned About The Welfare Of Others. I Can't Be With Someone Like That.

I Have A Problem With That Silver Medal. It's Like, 'congratulation S, You Almost Won. Of All The Losers, You're The Number One Loser. No One Lost Ahead Of You.'

Congratulations

Marriage Is Like A Game Of Chess Except The Board Is Flowing Water, The Pieces Are Made Of Smoke And No Move You Make Will Have Any Effect On The Outcome.

I Have No Plants In My House. They Won't Live For Me. Some Of Them Don't Even Wait To Die, They Commit Suicide.

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