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Let's Face It, The Human Body Is Like A Condominium Apartment. The Thing That Keeps You Really Enjoying It Is The Maintenance. There's A Tremendous Amount Of Daily, Weekly, Monthly And Yearly Work That Has To Be Done. From Showering To Open Heart Surgery, We're Always Doing Something To Ourselves. If Your Body Was A Used Car, You Wouldn't Buy It.

-Jerry Seinfeld

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Let's Face It, The

Jerry Seinfeld

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Let's Face It, The Human Body Is Like A Condominium Apartment. The Thing That Keeps You Really Enjoying It Is The Maintenance. There's A Tremendous Amount Of Daily, Weekly, Monthly And Yearly Work That Has To Be Done. From Showering To Open Heart Surgery, We're Always Doing Something To Ourselves. If Your Body Was A Used Car, You Wouldn't Buy It.

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I Didn't Know Every Day I Would Be Discussing The Tone Of My Voice With My Wife. I Thought It Was A Marriage. Apparently, It's A Musical.

Introducing 'lite': The New Way To Spell 'light'; But With Twenty Per Cent Fewer Letters.

I Think Vacations Are Mostly Completely Stupid. Going To Have Coffee With A Friend, You're Probably Going To Have More Fun Than If You Go To Aruba.

The Human Body Is Like A Condominium. The Thing That Keeps You From Really Enjoying It Is The Maintenance.

But I Don't Want To Be A Pirate!

There Is No More Embarrassing Thing In My Life Than The Fact That I Have Actually Uttered The Phrase, 'i Would Like To Order The Ginsu Knife.'

Everybody In New York City Knows There's Way More Cars Than Parking Spaces. You See Cars Driving In New York All Hours Of The Night. Its Like Musical Chairs Except Everybody Sat Down Around 1964.

Fear Of Success Is One Of The New Fears I've Heard About Lately. And I Think Its Definitely A Sign That We're Running Out Of Fears. A Person Suffering From Fear Of Success Is Scraping The Bottom Of The Fear Barrel.

Cremation Has Become The Most Popular Form Of Burial In The United States... People Used To Want A Big, Thick Granite Stone, Their Names Carved Into With A Chisel. I Was Here Dammit! Cremation Is Like You're Trying To Cover Up A Crime. Burn The Body. Scatter The Ashes Around. As Far As Anyone's Concerned This Whole Thing Never Happened.

Did You Ever Notice, When You Are Sitting At A Red Light, That When The Person In Front Of You Pulls Up A Couple Of Inches, You Are Compelled To Move Up Too? Do We Really Think We Are Making Progress Toward Our Destination? "whew, I Thought We Would Be Late, But Now That I Am Nine Inches Closer, I Can Stop For Coffee And A Danish!"

Taking In A Baseball Game On Tv Is Also A Big Treat.

I Once Had A Leather Jacket That Got Ruined In The Rain. Why Does Moisture Ruin Leather? Aren't Cows Outside A Lot Of The Time? When It's Raining, Do Cows Go Up To The Farmhouse, "let Us In! We're All Wearing Leather! Open The Door! We're Going To Ruin The Whole Outfit Here!"

Leather Jackets

Keep Your Head Up In Failure And Your Head Down In Success.

Celebrity Is No Different From Any Other Energy. It's A Force For Good Or Evil. It's No Different From Money. It's Power.

Most People, You Do A Tv Series, It Ends Three, Four, Five Years Later; It's A Relic.

For People On My Side Of The Cubicle, The Goal Is Always Creativity. Spending Your Time Overcoming Corporate Resistance To Creativity - I Just Don't Want To Do That.

I Have A Problem With The Strip That Runs Along The Bottom Of The News Programs. Don't These Idiots Who Run The News Programs Know We Don't Want To Read? That's Why We're Watching Tv.

What Causes Homophobia? What Is It That Makes The Heterosexual Man Worry About This? I Think It's Because Deep Down All Men Know That We Have Weak Sales Resistance. We're Constantly Buying Shoes That Hurt Us, Pants That Don't Fit Right. Men Think, 'obviously I Can Be Talked Into Anything. What If I Accidentally Wander Into Some Sort Of Homosexual Store Thinking It's A Shoe Store And The Salesmen Says, 'just Hold This Guy's Hand, Walk Around A Little Bit, See How It Feels. No Obligation, No Pressure, Just Try It.'

You Know Why Dogs Have No Money? No Pockets. 'cause They See Change On The Street All The Time And It's Driving Them Crazy. When You're Walking Them, He Is Always Looking Up At You. "there's A Quarter...."

Why Would Anybody Want A Friend?

When Men Are Growing Up And They're Reading About Batman, Spiderman, Superman ... Those Are Not Fantasies ... They're Options.

Why Is It Illegal To Park In A Handicapped Parking Space But Okay To Go The Bathroom In A Handicapped Stall?

I Love Being A Dad. I Just Love It.

The Worst Thing About Television Is That Everybody You See On Television Is Doing Something Better Than What You're Doing. You Never See Anybody On Tv Just Sliding Off The Front Of The Sofa, With Potato Chip Crumbs All Over Their Shirt.

I Was The Best Man At The Wedding... If I'm The Best Man, Why Is She Marrying Him?

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Dennis Kucinich

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