Background Image

...

The Olympics Is My Favourite Sporting Event. Although I Have A Problem With That Silver Medal. When You Think About It, You Win The Gold - You Feel Good, You Win The Bronze - You Think, 'well At Least I Got Something'. But When You Win Silver, It's Like, 'congratulations, You 'almost' Won. Of All The Losers, You Came In First Of That Group. You're The Number One 'loser.' No One Lost Ahead Of You.

-Jerry Seinfeld

...

Please Wait....
Translating....

The Olympics Is My

Jerry Seinfeld

...

The Olympics Is My Favourite Sporting Event. Although I Have A Problem With That Silver Medal. When You Think About It, You Win The Gold - You Feel Good, You Win The Bronze - You Think, 'well At Least I Got Something'. But When You Win Silver, It's Like, 'congratulations, You 'almost' Won. Of All The Losers, You Came In First Of That Group. You're The Number One 'loser.' No One Lost Ahead Of You.

Views: 7

Topic

Congratulations

More From Jerry Seinfeld

I Have A Problem With That Silver Medal. It's Like, 'congratulation S, You Almost Won. Of All The Losers, You're The Number One Loser. No One Lost Ahead Of You.'

Congratulations

People Who Read The Tabloids Deserve To Be Lied To.

I Think It's Funny To Be Delicate With Subjects That Are Explosive.

Did You Know That The Original Title For War And Peace Was War, What Is It Good For?

Marine Biologist

Why Is It Illegal To Park In A Handicapped Parking Space But Okay To Go The Bathroom In A Handicapped Stall?

My Wife Is Funny. And I Dabble In It. So Being Funny Is Big Around Our House. But What's Surprised Me Is My Daughter Can Do An English Accent. I Don't Know How She Learned This.

There Are Many Things You Can Point To As Proof That The Human Is Not Smart. But My Personal Favorite Would Have To Be That We Needed To Invent The Helmet. What Was Happening, Apparently, Was That We Were Involved In A Lot Of Activities That Were Cracking Our Heads. We Chose Not To Avoid Doing Those Activities But, Instead, To Come Up With Some Sort Of Device To Help Us Enjoy Our Head-cracking Lifestyles.

See, The Thing Of It Is, There's A Lot Of Ugly People Out There Walking Around But They Don't Know They're Ugly Because Nobody Actually Tells Them.

Life Is Truly A Ride. We're All Strapped In And No One Can Stop It.... I Think That The Most You Can Hope For At The End Of Life Is That Your Hair's Messed, You're Out Of Breath, And You Didn't Throw Up.

Work Is The Least Important Thing And Family Is The Most Important.

Important Things

If You Can't Be Kind, At Least Have The Decency To Be Vague.

Pain Is Usually Represented By Lightning Attacking The Guy. Glowing Redness Is Also Popular. Sometimes Parts Of The Guy Would Just Burst Into Flames.

I Have A Nice Bookshelf In My Office, But Not My House. I'm Crass, But Not That Crass.

I Was In Front Of An Ambulance The Other Day, And I Noticed That The Word Ambulance Was Spelled In Reverse Print On The Hood Of The Ambulance. And I Thought, Well, Isn't That Clever. I Look In The Rear-view Mirror; I Can Read The Word Ambulance Behind Me. Of Course While You're Reading, You Don't See Where You're Going, You Crash. You Need An Ambulance. I Think They're Trying To Drum Up Some Business On The Way Back From Lunch.

My Parents Didn't Want To Move To Florida, But They Turned Sixty And That's The Law.

Funny Relationship

I Won't Do Something Unless I Can Get At Least Two Or Three Good Laughs Out Of It. If I Can't, It's Not Gonna Make The Team.

We Sold 'seinfeld' All Over The World But It Was A Very Specific Kind Of Show. In Some Countries It Went Down Really Well, In Others They Hated It.

The First Real Thought That I Had Of Something That I Might Do Was To Write For Car Magazines, Because I Always Had A Car Thing.

I'll Tell You What I Like About Chinese People: They're Hanging In There With The Chop Sticks, Aren't They? You Know They've Seen The Fork. They're Staying With The Sticks.

I Wonder Is Illiterate People Know The Full Meaning Of Alphabet Soup?

Now They Show You How Detergents Take Out Bloodstains, A Pretty Violent Image There. I Think If You've Got A T-shirt With A Bloodstain All Over It, Maybe Laundry Isn't Your Biggest Problem.maybe You Should Get Rid Of The Body Before You Do The Wash.

Why Do People Give Each Other Flowers? To Celebrate Various Important Occasions, They’re Killing Living Creatures? Why Restrict It To Plants? 'sweetheart, Let’s Make Up. Have This Deceased Squirrel.

Not That There's Anything Wrong With That.

I Mean, She's Giving And Caring And Genuinely Concerned About The Welfare Of Others. I Can't Be With Someone Like That.

The Big Advantage Of A Book Is That It's Very Easy To Rewind. Close It And You're Right Back At The Beginning.

I Hate The Waiting Room. Because It's Called The Waiting Room, There's No Chance Of Not Waiting. It's Built, Designed, And Intended For Waiting. Why Would They Take You Right Away When They've Got This Room All Set Up?

Fear Of Success Is One Of The New Fears I've Heard About Lately. And I Think Its Definitely A Sign That We're Running Out Of Fears. A Person Suffering From Fear Of Success Is Scraping The Bottom Of The Fear Barrel.

I Was The Best Man At The Wedding... If I'm The Best Man, Why Is She Marrying Him?

I Am Speechless: I Have No Speech

When I Jumped Off A Roof In Cannes In A Bee Costume, I Looked Ridiculous. But This Is My Business; I Have To Humiliate Myself.

What Is This Obsession People Have With Books? They Put Them In Their Houses Like They're Trophies. What Do You Need It For After You Read It?

The Irs! They're Like The Mafia, They Can Take Anything They Want!

I Always Did Well On The Essay Questions. Just Put Everything You Know On There, Maybe You'll Hit It.

Where Lipstick Is Concerned, The Important Thing Is Not Color, But To Accept God's Final Word On Where Your Lips End.

Nothing In Life Is Fun For The Whole Family. There Are No Massage Parlors With Ice Cream And Free Jewelry.

The Blessing In Life Is When You Find The Torture You Are Comfortable With. That's Marriage, It's Kids, It's Work, It's Exercise. Find The Torture You're Comfortable With And You'll Do Well. You've Mastered That, You've Mastered Life.

There's A Tremendous Power And Energy In Sharing Your Life With Another Person.

For People On My Side Of The Cubicle, The Goal Is Always Creativity. Spending Your Time Overcoming Corporate Resistance To Creativity - I Just Don't Want To Do That.

I've Compiled A Book From The Internet. It's A Book Of Quotations Attributed To The Wrong People.

I Will Never Understand Why They Cook On Tv. I Can't Smell It. Can't Eat It. Can't Taste It. The End Of The Show They Hold It Up To The Camera, 'well, Here It Is. You Can't Have Any. Thanks For Watching. Goodbye.'

Most People, You Do A Tv Series, It Ends Three, Four, Five Years Later; It's A Relic.

What's The Point Of Dating Without Games? How Do You Know If You're Winning Or Losing?

If You've Got A Bloodstain On Your T-shirt, Maybe Dirty Laundry Isn't Your Biggest Problem.

In My World, The Wronger Something Feels, The Righter It Is.

You Can Tell What Was The Best Year Of Your Father's Life, Because They Seem To Freeze That Clothing Style And Ride It Out.

Have You Ever Noticed That The Waiter Who Takes Your Order Is Not The One Who Brings Your Food Anymore? What Is That About? And Which Waiter Are You Tipping, Anyway? I Think Next Time I Go To A Restaurant I'll Just Say, "oh, Sorry, I Only Eat The Food. The Guy Who Pays The Bill Will Be Along Shortly."

Taking In A Baseball Game On Tv Is Also A Big Treat.

The Hardest Thing In Comedy Is To Have The Biggest Laugh At The End, And It’s The Most Satisfying Thing.

If Aliens Are Watching Us Through Telescopes, They're Going To Think The Dogs Are The Leaders Of The Planet. If You See Two Life Forms, One Of Them's Making A Poop, The Other One's Carrying It For Him, Who Would You Assume Is In Charge?

Somebody Just Gave Me A Shower Radio. Thanks A Lot. Do You Really Want Music In The Shower? I Guess There's No Better Place To Dance Than A Slick Surface Next To A Glass Door.

You Know I Have Been Issued A Public Urination Pass By The City Because Of My Condition. Unfortunately, My Little Brother Ran Out Of The House With It This Morning. Him And His Friends Are Probably Peeing All Over The City.

You Know The Message You're Sending Out To The World With These Sweatpants? You're Telling The World, 'i Give Up. I Can't Compete In Normal Society. I'm Miserable, So I Might As Well Be Comfortable.

Ever Noticed That No Matter What Happens In One Day, It Exactly Fits In The Newspaper?

There's No Way That Moving In With Your Parents Is A Sign That Your Life Is On Track.

A Really Hard Laugh Is Like Sex-one Of The Ultimate Diversions Of Existence.

I Know What I'm Doing, Just Show Me Somebody Naked.

We Know The Product Is Going To Stink. We Know That Because We Live In The World, And We Know That Everything Stinks. We All Believe, Hey, Maybe This One Wont Stink. We Are A Hopeful Species. Stupid But Hopeful. But Were Happy In That Moment Between The Commercial And The Purchase. And I Think Spending Your Life Trying To Dupe Innocent People Out Of Hard-won Earnings To Buy Useless, Low-quality, Misrepresented Items And Services Is An Excellent Use Of Your Energy.

I Can Walk Through A Hotel Lobby And Watch People At The Desk And See What They're Doing. People Don't Look At Me. They Don't Even Know I'm There.

I Didn't Know Every Day I Would Be Discussing The Tone Of My Voice With My Wife. I Thought It Was A Marriage. Apparently, It's A Musical.

I Love The Day Date. No Wine, No Shower.

You Know Why Dogs Have No Money? No Pockets. 'cause They See Change On The Street All The Time And It's Driving Them Crazy. When You're Walking Them, He Is Always Looking Up At You. "there's A Quarter...."

What Causes Homophobia? What Is It That Makes The Heterosexual Man Worry About This? I Think It's Because Deep Down All Men Know That We Have Weak Sales Resistance. We're Constantly Buying Shoes That Hurt Us, Pants That Don't Fit Right. Men Think, 'obviously I Can Be Talked Into Anything. What If I Accidentally Wander Into Some Sort Of Homosexual Store Thinking It's A Shoe Store And The Salesmen Says, 'just Hold This Guy's Hand, Walk Around A Little Bit, See How It Feels. No Obligation, No Pressure, Just Try It.'

After You Get A Job And Before You Have To Do It. Nothing Beats That.

That's Why Breakups Take Two Or Three Times- To Build Up Immunity.

When You've Been In The Business 5-years, As A Person, It's Like You're 5-years Old - Like A Child. 10-years And You're 10-years Old, 20... Etcetera. That's How I Measure Maturity In This Industry.

Fatherhood Makes You Cute. Women Find Bumbling Fathers Cute And Attractive.

People Have An Infinite Attention Span If You Are Entertaining Them.

I Wrote An Article On A New Porsche For 'automobile Magazine.' I Knew The Editor, And She Asked Me To Write This Article. So I'm More Proud Of That Than Anything.

Why Would You Want To Work For A Living If You Could Just Joke Around? Being A Celebrity Expands Your Commercial Possibilities.

Everything Is In How You Are Going To Handle It. As A Lifelong Nightclub Comic, I'm Ready To Handle Whatever I Have To Handle.

If Professional Wrestling Did Not Exist, Could You Come Up With This Idea? Could You Envision The Popularity Of Huge Men In Tiny Bathing Suits, Pretending To Fight?

It's Amazing That The Amount Of News That Happens In The World Every Day Always Just Exactly Fits The Newspaper.

There Are More Social Skills Required To Talk One-on-one [than To An Audience]. You Don't Have To Be Socially Fluid To Talk To Two Thousand People.

You'll Fold Faster Than Superman On Laundry Day

I Can't Eat Chicken And Look At Strippers At The Same Time.

Make No Mistake About Why These Babies Are Here - They Are Here To Replace Us.

Festivus For The Restivus!

Why Does That Pharmacist Have To Be Two And A Half Feet Higher Than Everybody Else? Who The Hell Is This Guy? "clear Out, Everybody. I'm Working With Pills Up Here. I'm Taking Them From This Big Bottle And Then I'm Gonna Put Them In The Little Bottle. That's My Whole Job. I Can't Be Down On The Floor With You People."

Our Good Time Is Sitting In A Coffee Shop With A Newspaper, Writing A Line On The Back Of A Napkin. That Is The Most Fun Comedians Ever Have

Isn't It Weird That We Drink Milk, Stuff Designed To Nourish Baby Cows? How Did That Happen? Did Some Cattleman Once Say, "oh, Man, I Can't Wait Till Them Calves Are Done So I Can Get Me A Hit Of That Stuff."

I Love Energy. I Love It. And I Pursue It, And I Want More Of It. Physical And Mental Energy, To Me, Are The Greatest Riches Of Human Life. And Tm Is Like A Free Account Of An Endless Amount Of It.

If You Go To A Bad Movie, It's Two Hours. If You're In A Bad Movie, It's Two Years.

There Is No Such Thing As An Attention Span. There Is Only The Quality Of What You Are Viewing. This Whole Idea Of An Attention Span Is, I Think, A Misnomer. People Have An Infinite Attention Span If You Are Entertaining Them.

What I Don't Understand Is How Women Can Pour Hot Wax On Their Bodies, Let It Dry, Then Rip Out Every Single Hair By Its Root And Still Be Scared Of Spiders.

Let's Face It: A Date Is A Job-interview, That Lasts All Night. The Only Difference Between A Date And A Job Interview Is: Not Many Job-interviews Is There A Chance You'll End Up Naked At The End Of It.

I Am So Busy Doing Nothing... That The Idea Of Doing Anything - Which As You Know, Always Leads To Something - Cuts Into The Nothing And Then Forces Me To Have To Drop Everything.

According To Most Studies, People's Number One Fear Is Public Speaking. Number Two Is Death. Death Is Number Two. Does That Sound Right? This Means To The Average Person, If You Go To A Funeral, You're Better Off In The Casket Than Doing The Eulogy.

The Best Piece Of Advice I Received Before I Got Married Was, "be Careful What You Say When You're In A Fight, Because It Could Stick In Someone's Head." I Don't Think I've Ever Said Anything I Really Regretted. I'm Very Sympathetic To Women. I've Really Studied Wife-ology, And I Know You've Got To Figure Out The Feelings. Deal With The Feelings.

There's More To Life Than Making Shallow, Fairly Obvious Observations.

People On Dates Shouldn't Even Be Allowed Out In Public.

I Think That You Think That A Certain Something Is Not All That It Could Be, When, In Fact, It Is All That It Should Be, And More!

A Bookstore Is One Of The Only Pieces Of Evidence We Have That People Are Still Thinking.

Sometimes You Can Do Certain Things On Stage, Or Even In A Tv Series, And People See The Look On Your Face And They Know What You Mean, So You Can Get Away With Certain Things. But If You Can't Create That Look On An Animated Character, Which Is Essentially A Puppet, The Line Will Hit The Audience In A Very Bad Way.

The Luge Is The Only Olympic Event Where You Could Have People Competing In It Against Their Will, And It Would Look Exactly The Same. Take People Off The Street, 'hey, Hey, Hey, What Is This?! I Don't Wanna Be In The Luge!' Once You Put That Helmet On Them, 'you're In The Luge, Buddy!' 'aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa... Aaaaaaaa...' World Record. Didn't Even Wanna Do It. I'd Like To See That Next Olympics, The Involuntary Luge.

With Any Kind Of Physical Test, I Don't Know What It Is, I Always Seem To Get Competitive. Remember When You Were In School And They'd Do Those Hearing Tests? And You'd Really Be Listening Hard, You Know? I Wanted To Do Unbelievable On The Hearing Test. I Wanted Them To Come Over To Me After And Go, 'we Think You May Have Something Close To Super-hearing. What You Heard Was A Cotton Ball Touching A Piece Of Felt. We're Sending The Results To Washington, We'd Like You To Meet The President.'

Marriage Is Like A Game Of Chess Except The Board Is Flowing Water, The Pieces Are Made Of Smoke And No Move You Make Will Have Any Effect On The Outcome.

The Only Way A Show Works Is You Find People Who You Think Are Qualified And Talented And You Give Them A Chance To Do What They Do.

I Don't Return Fruit. Fruit's A Gamble. I Know That Going In.

Introducing 'lite': The New Way To Spell 'light'; But With Twenty Per Cent Fewer Letters.

I Have No Plants In My House. They Won't Live For Me. Some Of Them Don't Even Wait To Die, They Commit Suicide.

You Have To Motivate Yourself With Challenges. That's How You Know You're Still Alive.

Being A Good Husband Is Like Being A Good Stand-up Comic - You Need Ten Years Before You Can Even Call Yourself A Beginner.

Your Blessing In Life Is When You Find The Torture You're Comfortable With.

There Is Nothing More Rewarding Than Completing A Goal You Have Set For Yourself.

Men, As An Organization, Are Getting More Women Than Any Other Group Working Anywhere In The World. Wherever Women Are, We Have Men Looking Into It.

Elaine: Ugh, I Hate People. Jerry: Yeah, They're The Worst.

So Let Me Get This Straight. You Find Yourself In The Kitchen. You See An éclair In The Receptacle... And You Think To Yourself: "what The Hell, I'll Just Eat Some Trash."

Finding Yourself

Have You Ever Seen That Guy Who Has The Record For Fattest Man In The World? Bob Hughes, The Fattest Man In The World... 1400 Pounds. Ladies And Gentlemen, The Man Has Let Himself Go.

So The First Time You Hear The Concept Of Halloween When You're A Kid Your Brain Can't Even Process The Information. You're Like: "what Is This? What Did You Say?" "what Did You Say About Giving Out Candy? Who's Giving Out Candy?" "everyone That We Know Is Just Giving Out Candy!"

Any Day You Had Gym Class Was A Weird School Day. It Started Off Normal. You Had English, Social Studies, Geometry, Then Suddenly Your In Lord Of The Flies For 40 Minutes. Your Hanging From A Rope, You Have Hardly Any Clothes On, Teachers Are Yelling At You, Kids Are Throwing Dodge Balls At You And Snapping Towels - You're Trying To Survive. And Then It's Science,language, And History. Now That Is A Weird Day.

Seems To Me The Basic Conflict Between Men And Women, Sexually, Is That Men Are Like Firemen. To Men, Sex Is An Emergency, And No Matter What We're Doing We Can Be Ready In Two Minutes. Women, On The Other Hand, Are Like Fire. They're Very Exciting, But The Conditions Have To Be Exactly Right For It To Occur.

Funny Relationship

These Pretzels Are Making Me Thirsty!

What Is The Story With The Airport Sinks, That They Will Not Give Us A Twist-on Twist-off Human Faucet. "is It That Too Risky For The Human Population? We Have To Do The One-handed Pain-in-the-ass Alcatraz-style Faucets. "what Is It They Think We Will Do? Turn 'em All On Full, Run Out Into The Parking Lot, Laughing, Pushing Each Other Into The Bushes?

Once You Start Doing Only What You've Already Proven You Can Do, You're On The Road To Death.

One Day I Was Watching These Construction Workers Go Back To Work. I Was Watching Them Kind Of Trudging Down The Street. It Was Like A Revelation To Me. I Realized These Guys Don’t Want To Go Back To Work After Lunch. But They’re Going. That’s Their Job. If They Can Exhibit That Level Of Dedication For That Job I Should Be Able To Do The Same. Trudge Your Ass In.

Construction Workers

A Recent Survey Stated That The Average Person's Greatest Fear Is Having To Give A Speech In Public. Somehow This Ranked Even Higher Than Death Which Was Third On The List. So, You're Telling Me That At A Funeral, Most People Would Rather Be The Guy In The Coffin Than Have To Stand Up And Give A Eulogy.

I Can't Go To A Bad Movie By Myself. What, Am I Gonna Make Sarcastic Remarks To Strangers?

Every Day When Everybody Would Have Lunch I Would Do Tm [transcendental Meditation] And Then I Would Eat While I Was Working Because I Had Missed Lunch But That Is How I Survived The 9 Years [of Seinfeld], It Was That 20 Minutes In The Middle Of The Day Would Save Me.

Well, All Comedy Starts With Anger. You Get Angry, And Its Never For A Good Reason, Right? You Know Its Not A Good Reason. And Then You Try And Work It From There.

Cry When You Get A Golden Globe. Then You Can Get An Oscar Nomination.

Pay Attention; Don't Let Life Go By You. Fall In Love With The Back Of Your Cereal Box.

Falling In Love

The Beatles Created Something That Never Trailed Off. What A Gift That Was To Their Fans. If You're Into The Beatles, You Loved Them From Beginning To End.

I Do Not Know Why Anyone Would Host An Awards Show. No Matter How Unbelievably Well You Do At It, The Only Thing That Can Happen Is You Get Asked Again To Host An Awards Show.

A Dog Will Stay Stupid. That's Why We Love Them So Much. The Entire Time We Know Them, They're Idiots. Think Of Your Dog. Every Time You Come Home, He Thinks It's Amazing. He Has No Idea How You Accomplish This Every Day. You Walk In The Door; The Joy Of This Experience Overwhelms Him. He Looks At You, He's Back. It's That Guy, That Same Guy. He Can't Believe It. Everything Is Amazing To Your Dog. Another Can Of Food? I Don't Believe It.

There's No Downside To Fame And People Who Whine About It Make Me Sick. It's The Greatest Thing In The World.

I Love Advertising Because I Love Lying.

Why Does Mcdonald's Have To Count Every Burger That They Sell? What Is Their Ultimate Goal? Do They Want Cows To Surrender Voluntarily?

The Toughest Nights When I Was A Young, Unknown Comedian Were Opening For These Real Old-time Italian Singers. I'm Like Grace Jones To Them. "this Guy Is Nuts-talking About Socks. Where's The Wife Jokes, Where's The Fat Jokes?"

I Love Advertising Because I Love Lying. I Think Spending Your Life Trying To Dupe Innocent People Out Of Hard-won Earnings To Buy Useless, Low-quality, Misrepresented Items And Services Is An Excellent Use Of Your Energy.

If People Would Only Look To The Cookie, All Our Problems Would Be Solved.

Well, Howard Stern Has Been Doing His Impression Of Me For Years. It Doesn't Really Bother Me.

A Movie Is Kind Of Like Being The Captain Of A Ship, Which Is Nice, But When I Perform By Myself It's Just Surfing On The Water And Nobody Really Knows What Happens.

This Is One Of My Big Things Of Creative Pursuits. You Have Your Idea You Want To Do, But Then You Got To Figure Out What Does This Thing Want To Be? You Got To Let It Lead You A Little.

People Don't Just Bump Into Each Other And Have Sex. This Isn't Cinemax.

I Wonder If Illiterate People Get The Full Effect Of Alphabet Soup?

You Can Measure Distance By Time. 'how Far Away Is It?' 'oh About 20 Minutes.' But It Doesn't Work The Other Way. 'when Do You Get Off Work?' 'around 3 Miles.'

The Idea Behind The Tuxedo Is The Woman's Point Of View That Men Are All The Same; So We Might As Well Dress Them That Way. That's Why A Wedding Is Like The Joining Together Of A Beautiful, Glowing Bride And Some Guy. The Tuxedo Is A Wedding Safety Device, Created By Women Because They Know That Men Are Undependable. So In Case The Groom Chickens Out, Everybody Just Takes One Step Over, And She Marries The Next Guy.

Men Want The Same Thing From Their Underwear That They Want From Women: A Little Bit Of Support, And A Little Bit Of Freedom.

I Am A Very Organized Person. I Get Up At 6:15 A.m., The Kids Get Up At 6:45 A.m., And So I Get Up And Get It In. I’m Addicted To The High Function. To Me It’s A Work Thing - If You Meditate, You Can Get So Much Work Done. I Always Say To People You Know How About Three Nights A Year You Get A Good Night Sleep? You Can Have It Every Day With Meditation.

Men Want To Make Women Happy.

Sex To Save The Friendship? Well If We Have To We Have To.

If Every Instinct You Have Is Wrong, Then The Opposite Would Have To Be Right.

That's The Most Comfortable Place For Me. In The Beginning, Yes, I Was Nervous Going On Stage. I Was Not A Natural Performer. I Really Had To Acquire That Skill.

It's Hard To Do Nothing Because You Tend To Do Something And Then You Have To Drop Everything.

Sometimes They'll Make Little Play-doh Animals, And When They Go To Sleep, I'll Break The Heads Off The Animals And Put Them At The Foot Of Their Beds For Them To Discover In The Morning. Nothing Wrong With Sending Your Kids A Little Sicilian Message.

[i Like To] Engage With Funny People, Or Weird People, Or, You Know, Kind Of Off People. [whereas When I Meet] Anybody Who's ... Normal ... I'm Not Curious, I'm Not Interested.

The Olympics Is My Favourite Sporting Event. Although I Have A Problem With That Silver Medal. When You Think About It, You Win The Gold - You Feel Good, You Win The Bronze - You Think, 'well At Least I Got Something'. But When You Win Silver, It's Like, 'congratulations, You 'almost' Won. Of All The Losers, You Came In First Of That Group. You're The Number One 'loser.' No One Lost Ahead Of You.

Congratulations

The Less You Know About A Field, The Better Your Odds. Dumb Boldness Is The Best Way To Approach A New Challenge.

I Only Do A Show When There's Somebody I Want To Talk To.

What The Hell, I'll Just Eat Some Trash.

I'm In The Unfortunate Position Of Having To Consider Other People's Feelings

I Was In The Drug Store The Other Day Trying To Get A Cold Medication...not Easy. There's An Entire Wall Of Products You Need. You Stand There Going,"well, This One Is Quick Acting But This Is Long Lasting...which Is More Important, The Present Or The Future?"

Economy Is Essential To All Good Art.

I Admire The Hell Out Of Her. You Can't Have Sex With Someone You Admire.

Kids Don't Say, "wait." They Say, "wait Up, Hey Wait Up!" Because When You're Little, Your Life Is Up. The Future Is Up. Everything You Want Is Up. "hold Up. Shut Up! Mum, I'll Clean Up. Let Me Stay Up!" Parents, Of Course, Are Just The Opposite. Everything Is Down. "just Calm Down. Slow Down. Come Down Here! Sit Down. Put... That... Down."

People Should Get Married Because They Have Finally Seen The Folly Of Being Single: "oh, This Is All Just Kind Of A Bad Magic Trick. I Just Keep Bending Over To Reach For This Wallet On A String. How Much Longer Am I Gonna Do That?"

We Want To Do A Lot Of Stuff; We're Not In Great Shape, We Didn't Get A Good Night's Sleep, We're A Little Depressed. Coffee Solves All These Problems In One Delightful Little Cup.

Dogs Want To Be People. That's What Their Lives Are About. They Don't Like Being A Dog. They're With People All The Time, They Want To Graduate. My Dog Would Sit There All Day, He Would Watch Me Walk By, He Would Think To Himself, "i Could Do That! He's Not That Good.

Women Go After Doctors Like Men Go After Models. They Want Someone With Knowledge Of The Body. We Just Want The Body.

I Feel Like Humor Is The Answer To Everything. If You Have A Little Bit Of Humor In The Shaker And You Can Sprinkle That On, That's Your Answer.

The Peak Of Being A Fan Is A Hotdog And A Beer And A Seat At The Game. There's Nothing Above That. Nothing Above It.

You Know Why Fish Are So Thin? They Eat Fish.

If Airline Seat Cushions Are Such Great Flotation Devices, Why Don't You Ever See Anyone Take One To The Beach?

Then, Finally, The Third Year, Begging The Parents, I Got The Superman Halloween Costume. Cardboard Box, Self-made Top, Mask Included. Remember The Rubber Band On The Back Of That Mask? That Was A Quality Item There, Wasn't It? That Was Good For About 10 Seconds Before It Snapped Out Of That Cheap Little Staple They Put It In There With.

I Once Had A Leather Jacket That Got Ruined In The Rain. Why Does Moisture Ruin Leather? Aren't Cows Outside A Lot Of The Time? When It's Raining, Do Cows Go Up To The Farmhouse, "let Us In! We're All Wearing Leather! Open The Door! We're Going To Ruin The Whole Outfit Here!"

Leather Jackets

If Someone's Lying, Are Their Pants Really On Fire

Men Like A Ref Decision Because They Just Want To Get Back To The Game.

The Four Levels Of Comedy: Make Your Friends Laugh, Make Strangers Laugh, Get Paid To Make Strangers Laugh, And Make People Talk Like You Because It's So Much Fun.

Strangers And Friends

Would Somebody Please Explain To Me Those Signs That Say, "no Animals Allowed Except For Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who Is That Sign For? Is It For The Dog, Or The Blind Person?

Airline Hostesses Show You How To Use A Seatbelt In Case You Haven't Been In A Car Since 1965.

I Love How You Just Make Coffee And Then Somehow Something Gets Done.

Wise Is What You Want To Be. Smart Is Easy Compared To Wise.

You Can Be Passionate About Anything.

Actually, The Only Memory I Have Of Being A Cub Scout Was Trying To Get My Hat Back. That Was All I Did. Run Back And Forth At My Bus Stop Going "quit It."

We Got The Hot Fudge On The Bottom.... That Allows You To Control The Fudge Distribution While You're Eating Your Ice Cream.

We're All Trying To Get To The Same Island — Whether You Swim, Fly, Surf, Or Skydive, It Doesn't Matter. What Matters Is When The Red Light Goes On.

The Human Body Is Like A Condominium. The Thing That Keeps You From Really Enjoying It Is The Maintenance.

What Would The World Be Like If People Said Whatever They Were Thinking, All The Time, Whenever It Came To Them? How Long Would A Blind Date Last? About 13 Seconds, I Think. Oh, Sorry, Your Rear End Is Too Big. That's Ok, Your Breath Stinks Anyway. See You Later.

I Prefer The Old Theaters Because The Audience Is... Trapped.

Sometimes I Think More Creativity Is Put Into Muffin Recipes Than Into The Rest Of Society Combined.

You Know You're Getting Old When You Get That One Candle On The Cake. It's Like, 'see If You Can Blow This Out.'

Dogs Have No Money. Isn't That Amazing? They're Broke Their Entire Lives. But They Get Through. You Know Why Dogs Have No Money? .. No Pockets.

Did You Ever Notice, When You Are Sitting At A Red Light, That When The Person In Front Of You Pulls Up A Couple Of Inches, You Are Compelled To Move Up Too? Do We Really Think We Are Making Progress Toward Our Destination? "whew, I Thought We Would Be Late, But Now That I Am Nine Inches Closer, I Can Stop For Coffee And A Danish!"

You Know How Your Charger For Your Phone? It's Like If You Had A Charger For Your Whole Body And Mind

The Greatest Jewish Tradition Is To Laugh. The Cornerstone Of Jewish Survival Has Always Been To Find Humor In Life And In Ourselves.

Jewish Tradition

Men Don't Care What's On Tv. They Only Care What Else Is On Tv.

I Don't Want To Hear The Specials. If They're So Special, Put 'em On The Menu.

What's The Deal With Ovaltine? It Comes In A Round Container, You Put It In A Round Glass, Why Don't They Call It Roundtine?

Can't You At Least Die With A Little Dignity?

Writer's Block Is A Phony, Made Up, Bs Excuse For Not Doing Your Work.

I'll Tell You One Of The Great Activities Is Skateboarding. To Learn To Do A Skateboard Trick, How Many Times Do You Gotta Get Something Wrong Til You Get It Right? ...and You Hurt Yourself, And You Learn To Do That Trick, Now You Got A Life Lesson. Every Time I See Those Skateboard Kids, I Think 'those Kids'll Be Alright.'

Magazines Are Another Medium I Love, Because 95% Is Simply Based On 'how The Hell Are We Going To Fill All This Blank Space?

All I Ever Wanted To Do Is Make People Laugh.

Making People Laugh

The Swiss Have An Interesting Army. Five Hundred Years Without A War. Pretty Impressive. Also Pretty Lucky For Them. Ever Seen That Little Swiss Army Knife They Have To Fight With? Not Much Of A Weapon There. Corkscrews. Bottle Openers. ‘come On, Buddy, Let’s Go. You Get Past Me, The Guy In The Back Of Me, He’s Got A Spoon. Back Off, I’ve Got The Toe Clippers Right Here.

I Think The Answer Is We All Need A Little Help, And The Coffee's A Little Help With Everything — Social, Energy, Don't Know What To Do Next, Don't Know How To Start My Day, Don't Know How To Get Through This Afternoon, Don't Know How To Stay Alert. We Want To Do A Lot Of Stuff; We're Not In Great Shape. We Didn't Get A Good Night's Sleep. We're A Little Depressed. Coffee Solves All These Problems In One Delightful Little Cup.

Why Is Commitment Such A Big Problem For A Man? I Think That For Some Reason When A Man Is Driving Down That Freeway Of Love, The Woman He's With Is Like An Exit, But He Doesn't Want To Get Off There. He Wants To Keep Driving. And The Woman Is Like, "look, Gas, Food, Lodging, That's Our Exit, That's Everything We Need To Be Happy... Get Off Here, Now!" But The Man Is Focusing On The Sign Underneath That Says, "next Exit 27 Miles," And He Thinks, "i Can Make It."

There's Very Little Advice In Men's Magazines, Because Men Don't Think There's A Lot They Don't Know. Women Do. Women Want To Learn. Men Think, 'i Know What I'm Doing, Just Show Me Somebody Naked.'

A Two-year-old Is Kind Of Like Having A Blender, But You Don't Have A Top For It.

Celebrity Is No Different From Any Other Energy. It's A Force For Good Or Evil. It's No Different From Money. It's Power.

I Like Definitive Things.

Trending Author

Mitch McConnell

Thurgood Marshall

Stephen Colbert

Category