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People Don't Think Of Their Office As A Workplace Anymore. They Think Of It As A Stationary Store With Danish. You Want To Get Your Pastry, Your Envelopes, Your Supplies, Your Toilet Paper, Six Cups Of Coffee, And You Go Home.

-Jerry Seinfeld

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People Don't Think Of

Jerry Seinfeld

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People Don't Think Of Their Office As A Workplace Anymore. They Think Of It As A Stationary Store With Danish. You Want To Get Your Pastry, Your Envelopes, Your Supplies, Your Toilet Paper, Six Cups Of Coffee, And You Go Home.

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There Is No More Embarrassing Thing In My Life Than The Fact That I Have Actually Uttered The Phrase, 'i Would Like To Order The Ginsu Knife.'

Taking In A Baseball Game On Tv Is Also A Big Treat.

I'd Like To Do One Of Those Jumps They Do In The Movies; In A Car, Over A Bridge, In The Air With A Huge Explosion. It Would Be A Final Moment Of Entertainment.

We're All Trying To Get To The Same Island — Whether You Swim, Fly, Surf, Or Skydive, It Doesn't Matter. What Matters Is When The Red Light Goes On.

In My World, The Wronger Something Feels, The Righter It Is.

Yeah, Like Bizarro Superman, Superman's Exact Opposite, Who Lives In The Backwards Bizarro World. Up Is Down, Down Is Up, He Says Hello When He Leaves, Goodbye When He Arrives.

The Worst Thing About Television Is That Everybody You See On Television Is Doing Something Better Than What You're Doing. You Never See Anybody On Tv Just Sliding Off The Front Of The Sofa, With Potato Chip Crumbs All Over Their Shirt.

Comedy Is Just Complaining In An Entertaining Way, Enterplaining.

See, The Thing Of It Is, There's A Lot Of Ugly People Out There Walking Around But They Don't Know They're Ugly Because Nobody Actually Tells Them.

There Are More Social Skills Required To Talk One-on-one [than To An Audience]. You Don't Have To Be Socially Fluid To Talk To Two Thousand People.

A Really Hard Laugh Is Like Sex-one Of The Ultimate Diversions Of Existence.

I Am Freaking Out! I Am Freaking Out, Man!

People On Dates Shouldn't Even Be Allowed Out In Public.

Keep Your Head Up In Failure And Your Head Down In Success.

I Am So Busy Doing Nothing... That The Idea Of Doing Anything - Which As You Know, Always Leads To Something - Cuts Into The Nothing And Then Forces Me To Have To Drop Everything.

I Don't Want To Hear The Specials. If They're So Special, Put 'em On The Menu.

Every Day When Everybody Would Have Lunch I Would Do Tm [transcendental Meditation] And Then I Would Eat While I Was Working Because I Had Missed Lunch But That Is How I Survived The 9 Years [of Seinfeld], It Was That 20 Minutes In The Middle Of The Day Would Save Me.

Having Fun Is A Very Particular Skill. And Not Everyone Has That Skill.

The Irs! They're Like The Mafia, They Can Take Anything They Want!

Why Would Anybody Want A Friend?

After You Get A Job And Before You Have To Do It. Nothing Beats That.

Where Lipstick Is Concerned, The Important Thing Is Not Color, But To Accept God's Final Word On Where Your Lips End.

That's The Most Comfortable Place For Me. In The Beginning, Yes, I Was Nervous Going On Stage. I Was Not A Natural Performer. I Really Had To Acquire That Skill.

Airline Hostesses Show You How To Use A Seatbelt In Case You Haven't Been In A Car Since 1965.

The Toughest Nights When I Was A Young, Unknown Comedian Were Opening For These Real Old-time Italian Singers. I'm Like Grace Jones To Them. "this Guy Is Nuts-talking About Socks. Where's The Wife Jokes, Where's The Fat Jokes?"

There's Very Little Advice In Men's Magazines, Because Men Don't Think There's A Lot They Don't Know. Women Do. Women Want To Learn. Men Think, 'i Know What I'm Doing, Just Show Me Somebody Naked.'

What Causes Homophobia? What Is It That Makes The Heterosexual Man Worry About This? I Think It's Because Deep Down All Men Know That We Have Weak Sales Resistance. We're Constantly Buying Shoes That Hurt Us, Pants That Don't Fit Right. Men Think, 'obviously I Can Be Talked Into Anything. What If I Accidentally Wander Into Some Sort Of Homosexual Store Thinking It's A Shoe Store And The Salesmen Says, 'just Hold This Guy's Hand, Walk Around A Little Bit, See How It Feels. No Obligation, No Pressure, Just Try It.'

The Hardest Thing In Comedy Is To Have The Biggest Laugh At The End, And It’s The Most Satisfying Thing.

A Two-year-old Is Kind Of Like Having A Blender, But You Don't Have A Top For It.

Have You Ever Seen That Guy Who Has The Record For Fattest Man In The World? Bob Hughes, The Fattest Man In The World... 1400 Pounds. Ladies And Gentlemen, The Man Has Let Himself Go.

Then, Finally, The Third Year, Begging The Parents, I Got The Superman Halloween Costume. Cardboard Box, Self-made Top, Mask Included. Remember The Rubber Band On The Back Of That Mask? That Was A Quality Item There, Wasn't It? That Was Good For About 10 Seconds Before It Snapped Out Of That Cheap Little Staple They Put It In There With.

It's Like Having... You Know, Your Phone Has A Charger, Right? It's Like Having A Charger For Your Whole Body And Mind. That's What Transcendental Meditation Is!

Why Is It Illegal To Park In A Handicapped Parking Space But Okay To Go The Bathroom In A Handicapped Stall?

A Dog Will Stay Stupid. That's Why We Love Them So Much. The Entire Time We Know Them, They're Idiots. Think Of Your Dog. Every Time You Come Home, He Thinks It's Amazing. He Has No Idea How You Accomplish This Every Day. You Walk In The Door; The Joy Of This Experience Overwhelms Him. He Looks At You, He's Back. It's That Guy, That Same Guy. He Can't Believe It. Everything Is Amazing To Your Dog. Another Can Of Food? I Don't Believe It.

I Can Walk Through A Hotel Lobby And Watch People At The Desk And See What They're Doing. People Don't Look At Me. They Don't Even Know I'm There.

There's A Tremendous Power And Energy In Sharing Your Life With Another Person.

And That's When I Realized, When You're A Kid You Don't Need A Costume, You Are Superman.

To Me A Lawyer Is Basically The Person That Knows The Rules Of The Country. We're All Throwing The Dice, Playing The Game, Moving Our Pieces Around The Board, But If There's A Problem, The Lawyer Is The Only Person That Has Actually Read The Inside Of The Top Of The Box.

People Don't Think Of Their Office As A Workplace Anymore. They Think Of It As A Stationary Store With Danish. You Want To Get Your Pastry, Your Envelopes, Your Supplies, Your Toilet Paper, Six Cups Of Coffee, And You Go Home.

I Am Speechless: I Have No Speech

Folks Who Go Through The Tabloids Ought To Have To Be Lied To.

See, You Know How To Take The Reservation, You Just Don't Know How To Hold The Reservation And That's Really The Most Important Part Of The Reservation, The Holding. Anybody Can Just Take Them.

If Someone's Lying, Are Their Pants Really On Fire

I Love Advertising Because I Love Lying. I Think Spending Your Life Trying To Dupe Innocent People Out Of Hard-won Earnings To Buy Useless, Low-quality, Misrepresented Items And Services Is An Excellent Use Of Your Energy.

The Swiss Have An Interesting Army. Five Hundred Years Without A War. Pretty Impressive. Also Pretty Lucky For Them. Ever Seen That Little Swiss Army Knife They Have To Fight With? Not Much Of A Weapon There. Corkscrews. Bottle Openers. ‘come On, Buddy, Let’s Go. You Get Past Me, The Guy In The Back Of Me, He’s Got A Spoon. Back Off, I’ve Got The Toe Clippers Right Here.

The Idea Behind The Tuxedo Is The Woman's Point Of View That Men Are All The Same; So We Might As Well Dress Them That Way. That's Why A Wedding Is Like The Joining Together Of A Beautiful, Glowing Bride And Some Guy. The Tuxedo Is A Wedding Safety Device, Created By Women Because They Know That Men Are Undependable. So In Case The Groom Chickens Out, Everybody Just Takes One Step Over, And She Marries The Next Guy.

A Movie Is Kind Of Like Being The Captain Of A Ship, Which Is Nice, But When I Perform By Myself It's Just Surfing On The Water And Nobody Really Knows What Happens.

I Love Meeting Israeli People. They Look At Me Like A Son

Some Of The Events In The Olympics Don't Make Sense To Me. I Don't Understand The Connection To Any Reality... Like In The Winter Olympics They Have That Biathlon That Combines Cross-country Skiing With Shooting A Gun. How Many Alpine Snipers Are Into This? Ski, Shoot A Gun... Ski, Bang, Bang, Bang... It's Like Combining Swimming And Strangling A Guy. Why Don't We Have That? That Makes Absolutely As Much Sense To Me. Just Put People In The Pool At The End Of Each Lane For The Swimmers.

I Love Advertising Because I Love Lying.

I Like Definitive Things.

That's Why Breakups Take Two Or Three Times- To Build Up Immunity.

You Know You're Getting Old When You Get That One Candle On The Cake. It's Like, 'see If You Can Blow This Out.'

The Four Levels Of Comedy: Make Your Friends Laugh, Make Strangers Laugh, Get Paid To Make Strangers Laugh, And Make People Talk Like You Because It's So Much Fun.

Strangers And Friends

If You Go To A Bad Movie, It's Two Hours. If You're In A Bad Movie, It's Two Years.

I Have A Friend Who's Collecting Unemployment Insurance. This Guy Has Never Worked So Hard In His Life As He Has To Keep This Thing Going. He's Down There Every Week, Waiting On The Lines And Getting Interviewed And Making Up All These Lies About Looking For Jobs. If They Had Any Idea Of The Effort And Energy That He Is Expending To Avoid Work, I'm Sure They'd Give Him A Raise.

I Can't Go To A Bad Movie By Myself. What, Am I Gonna Make Sarcastic Remarks To Strangers?

Life Is Truly A Ride. We're All Strapped In And No One Can Stop It.... I Think That The Most You Can Hope For At The End Of Life Is That Your Hair's Messed, You're Out Of Breath, And You Didn't Throw Up.

Why Does Mcdonald's Have To Count Every Burger That They Sell? What Is Their Ultimate Goal? Do They Want Cows To Surrender Voluntarily?

I See Tv Ads About Detergents That Can Get Blood Stains Out Of Your Cloths. I Say If You Have Blood Stains On Your Cloths You Should Be Thinking About Something Other Than Laundry.

Have You Ever Noticed How They Keep Improving Your Laundry Detergent, But They Still Can't Get Those Blue Flakes Out? Why Do We Trust Them To Get Our Clothes Clean? These Guys Can't Even Get The Detergent White!

The Padded Outfits, The Bad Scripts, The Phony-looking Sets... He Dealt With It All. He Had To. He Was Superman.

Seems To Me The Basic Conflict Between Men And Women, Sexually, Is That Men Are Like Firemen. To Men, Sex Is An Emergency, And No Matter What We're Doing We Can Be Ready In Two Minutes. Women, On The Other Hand, Are Like Fire. They're Very Exciting, But The Conditions Have To Be Exactly Right For It To Occur.

Funny Relationship

The Human Body Is Like A Condominium. The Thing That Keeps You From Really Enjoying It Is The Maintenance.

I Know I'm Not Going To Understand Women. I'll Never Understand How You Can Take Boiling Hot Wax, Pour It Onto Your Upper Thigh, Rip The Hair Out By The Root, And Still Be Afraid Of A Spider.

If A Book About Failures Doesn't Sell, Is It A Success?

They Seal The Subway Change-booth Guy Up Inside This Thing With Bullet-proof Glass, Closed In On All Sides, It's Like Some Kind Of Houdini Torture Tank Of Doom. How Do You Breathe In There? It Looks Like If You Put Your Hand Over The Change Slot, You Could Suffocate Him In Thirty Seconds.

The Greatest Jewish Tradition Is To Laugh. The Cornerstone Of Jewish Survival Has Always Been To Find Humor In Life And In Ourselves.

Jewish Tradition

I Love Being A Dad. I Just Love It.

I Prefer The Old Theaters Because The Audience Is... Trapped.

Celebrity Is No Different From Any Other Energy. It's A Force For Good Or Evil. It's No Different From Money. It's Power.

You Know How Your Charger For Your Phone? It's Like If You Had A Charger For Your Whole Body And Mind

I Had A Parakeet That Used To Fly Around The House And Crash Into These Huge Mirrors My Mother Put In. Ever Heard Of This Interior Design Principle, That A Mirror Makes It Seem Like You Have An Entire Other Room? What Kind Of Jerk Walks Up To A Mirror And Goes, Hey Look, There's A Whole Other Room In There. There's A Guy That Looks Just Like Me In There.

The Best Revenge Is Living Well.

Everybody Lies About Sex. People Lie During Sex. If It Weren't For Lies, There'd Be No Sex.

When You Interrupt, You've Stopped Listening. People Need To Be Heard.

The Truth Is, The Family Is Much More Creatively Nourishing Because You're Playing On A Full Keyboard. Whereas When You're Single, You're Just Playing The Upbeat Jazzy Tunes.

Men Like A Ref Decision Because They Just Want To Get Back To The Game.

Work Is The Least Important Thing And Family Is The Most Important.

Important Things

Wise Is What You Want To Be. Smart Is Easy Compared To Wise.

I Have A Problem With The Strip That Runs Along The Bottom Of The News Programs. Don't These Idiots Who Run The News Programs Know We Don't Want To Read? That's Why We're Watching Tv.

What's With This Weird Hotel Custom Of Leaving A Piece Of Chocolate On The Pillow? I Awoke Thinking My Brain Had Hemorrhaged Some Sort Of Fecal Matter.

If You Can't Be Kind, At Least Have The Decency To Be Vague.

You Can Tell What Was The Best Year Of Your Father's Life, Because They Seem To Freeze That Clothing Style And Ride It Out.

Now They Show You How Detergents Take Out Bloodstains, A Pretty Violent Image There. I Think If You've Got A T-shirt With A Bloodstain All Over It, Maybe Laundry Isn't Your Biggest Problem.maybe You Should Get Rid Of The Body Before You Do The Wash.

Cry When You Get A Golden Globe. Then You Can Get An Oscar Nomination.

If Airline Seat Cushions Are Such Great Flotation Devices, Why Don't You Ever See Anyone Take One To The Beach?

I Don't Return Fruit. Fruit's A Gamble. I Know That Going In.

I Love The Day Date. No Wine, No Shower.

My Wife Is Funny. And I Dabble In It. So Being Funny Is Big Around Our House. But What's Surprised Me Is My Daughter Can Do An English Accent. I Don't Know How She Learned This.

On The Side Of Box Of My Superman Costume It Actually Said - 'do Not Attempt To Fly!'

I Love How You Just Make Coffee And Then Somehow Something Gets Done.

Having A 2 Year Old Is Like Having A Blender That You Don't Have The Top For.

You'll Fold Faster Than Superman On Laundry Day

But I Don't Want To Be A Pirate!

Men Don't Care What's On Tv. They Only Care What Else Is On Tv.

We Know The Product Is Going To Stink. We Know That Because We Live In The World, And We Know That Everything Stinks. We All Believe, Hey, Maybe This One Wont Stink. We Are A Hopeful Species. Stupid But Hopeful. But Were Happy In That Moment Between The Commercial And The Purchase. And I Think Spending Your Life Trying To Dupe Innocent People Out Of Hard-won Earnings To Buy Useless, Low-quality, Misrepresented Items And Services Is An Excellent Use Of Your Energy.

The Best Piece Of Advice I Received Before I Got Married Was, "be Careful What You Say When You're In A Fight, Because It Could Stick In Someone's Head." I Don't Think I've Ever Said Anything I Really Regretted. I'm Very Sympathetic To Women. I've Really Studied Wife-ology, And I Know You've Got To Figure Out The Feelings. Deal With The Feelings.

The Only Way A Show Works Is You Find People Who You Think Are Qualified And Talented And You Give Them A Chance To Do What They Do.

Well, Birthdays Are Merely Symbolic Of How Another Year Has Gone By And How Little We've Grown. No Matter How Desperate We Are That Someday A Better Self Will Emerge, With Each Flicker Of The Candles On The Cake, We Know It's Not To Be, That For The Rest Of Our Sad, Wretched Pathetic Lives, This Is Who We Are To The Bitter End. Inevitably, Irrevocably; Happy Birthday? No Such Thing.

I Wonder If Illiterate People Get The Full Effect Of Alphabet Soup?

The Truth Is, I Had Always Wanted To Be A Comedian, But I Really Didn't Have That Kind Of Personality, And It's A Terrifying Thing To Say.

Let's Face It, The Human Body Is Like A Condominium Apartment. The Thing That Keeps You Really Enjoying It Is The Maintenance. There's A Tremendous Amount Of Daily, Weekly, Monthly And Yearly Work That Has To Be Done. From Showering To Open Heart Surgery, We're Always Doing Something To Ourselves. If Your Body Was A Used Car, You Wouldn't Buy It.

I Have No Plants In My House. They Won't Live For Me. Some Of Them Don't Even Wait To Die, They Commit Suicide.

What's The Deal With Ovaltine? It Comes In A Round Container, You Put It In A Round Glass, Why Don't They Call It Roundtine?

There Are Many Things You Can Point To As Proof That The Human Is Not Smart. But My Personal Favorite Would Have To Be That We Needed To Invent The Helmet. What Was Happening, Apparently, Was That We Were Involved In A Lot Of Activities That Were Cracking Our Heads. We Chose Not To Avoid Doing Those Activities But, Instead, To Come Up With Some Sort Of Device To Help Us Enjoy Our Head-cracking Lifestyles.

Make No Mistake About Why These Babies Are Here - They Are Here To Replace Us.

I Think The Answer Is We All Need A Little Help, And The Coffee's A Little Help With Everything — Social, Energy, Don't Know What To Do Next, Don't Know How To Start My Day, Don't Know How To Get Through This Afternoon, Don't Know How To Stay Alert. We Want To Do A Lot Of Stuff; We're Not In Great Shape. We Didn't Get A Good Night's Sleep. We're A Little Depressed. Coffee Solves All These Problems In One Delightful Little Cup.

If I Want A Long, Boring Story With No Point To It, I Have My Life.

Sometimes The Road Less Traveled Is Less Traveled For A Reason.

A Bookstore Is One Of The Only Pieces Of Evidence We Have That People Are Still Thinking.

You Can Measure Distance By Time. 'how Far Away Is It?' 'oh About 20 Minutes.' But It Doesn't Work The Other Way. 'when Do You Get Off Work?' 'around 3 Miles.'

To Me, If Life Boils Down To One Thing, It's Movement. To Live Is To Keep Moving.

I Won't Do Something Unless I Can Get At Least Two Or Three Good Laughs Out Of It. If I Can't, It's Not Gonna Make The Team.

Pain Is Usually Represented By Lightning Attacking The Guy. Glowing Redness Is Also Popular. Sometimes Parts Of The Guy Would Just Burst Into Flames.

I Am A Very Organized Person. I Get Up At 6:15 A.m., The Kids Get Up At 6:45 A.m., And So I Get Up And Get It In. I’m Addicted To The High Function. To Me It’s A Work Thing - If You Meditate, You Can Get So Much Work Done. I Always Say To People You Know How About Three Nights A Year You Get A Good Night Sleep? You Can Have It Every Day With Meditation.

Fear Of Success Is One Of The New Fears I've Heard About Lately. And I Think Its Definitely A Sign That We're Running Out Of Fears. A Person Suffering From Fear Of Success Is Scraping The Bottom Of The Fear Barrel.

Why Does That Pharmacist Have To Be Two And A Half Feet Higher Than Everybody Else? Who The Hell Is This Guy? "clear Out, Everybody. I'm Working With Pills Up Here. I'm Taking Them From This Big Bottle And Then I'm Gonna Put Them In The Little Bottle. That's My Whole Job. I Can't Be Down On The Floor With You People."

Sex, That’s Meaningless, I Can Understand That, But Dinner; That’s Heavy. That’s Like An Hour.

I Know What I'm Doing, Just Show Me Somebody Naked.

Sometimes They'll Make Little Play-doh Animals, And When They Go To Sleep, I'll Break The Heads Off The Animals And Put Them At The Foot Of Their Beds For Them To Discover In The Morning. Nothing Wrong With Sending Your Kids A Little Sicilian Message.

When Someone Does A Small Task Beautifully, Their Whole Environment Is Affected By It.

Well, Sometimes We Do Actually Have To Get Up Early, But A Man Will Always Trade Sleep For Sex.

What Is The Story With The Airport Sinks, That They Will Not Give Us A Twist-on Twist-off Human Faucet. "is It That Too Risky For The Human Population? We Have To Do The One-handed Pain-in-the-ass Alcatraz-style Faucets. "what Is It They Think We Will Do? Turn 'em All On Full, Run Out Into The Parking Lot, Laughing, Pushing Each Other Into The Bushes?

Would Somebody Please Explain To Me Those Signs That Say, "no Animals Allowed Except For Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who Is That Sign For? Is It For The Dog, Or The Blind Person?

I Wrote An Article On A New Porsche For 'automobile Magazine.' I Knew The Editor, And She Asked Me To Write This Article. So I'm More Proud Of That Than Anything.

When You've Been In The Business 5-years, As A Person, It's Like You're 5-years Old - Like A Child. 10-years And You're 10-years Old, 20... Etcetera. That's How I Measure Maturity In This Industry.

If People Would Only Look To The Cookie, All Our Problems Would Be Solved.

And I'll Tell Ya, I'm Really Enjoying This Marriage Thing. You Think About Each Other. You Care About Each Other. It's Wonderful! Plus, I Love Saying 'my Wife.' Once I Started Saying It, I Couldn't Stop - 'my Wife' This, 'my Wife' That...it's An Amazing Way To Begin A Sentence.

Sometimes You Can Do Certain Things On Stage, Or Even In A Tv Series, And People See The Look On Your Face And They Know What You Mean, So You Can Get Away With Certain Things. But If You Can't Create That Look On An Animated Character, Which Is Essentially A Puppet, The Line Will Hit The Audience In A Very Bad Way.

I Feel Like Humor Is The Answer To Everything. If You Have A Little Bit Of Humor In The Shaker And You Can Sprinkle That On, That's Your Answer.

Kids Don't Say, "wait." They Say, "wait Up, Hey Wait Up!" Because When You're Little, Your Life Is Up. The Future Is Up. Everything You Want Is Up. "hold Up. Shut Up! Mum, I'll Clean Up. Let Me Stay Up!" Parents, Of Course, Are Just The Opposite. Everything Is Down. "just Calm Down. Slow Down. Come Down Here! Sit Down. Put... That... Down."

You Know The Message You're Sending Out To The World With These Sweatpants? You're Telling The World, 'i Give Up. I Can't Compete In Normal Society. I'm Miserable, So I Might As Well Be Comfortable.

What Is This Obsession People Have With Books? They Put Them In Their Houses Like They're Trophies. What Do You Need It For After You Read It?

There Is Nothing More Rewarding Than Completing A Goal You Have Set For Yourself.

Did You Know That The Original Title For War And Peace Was War, What Is It Good For?

Marine Biologist

People Should Get Married Because They Have Finally Seen The Folly Of Being Single: "oh, This Is All Just Kind Of A Bad Magic Trick. I Just Keep Bending Over To Reach For This Wallet On A String. How Much Longer Am I Gonna Do That?"

This Is Really A Crazy Idea, You Know. It Probably Won't Work, But That Will Be Interesting, Too. You Have To Motivate Yourself With Challenges. That's How You Know You're Still Alive. Once You Start Doing Only What You've Already Proven You Can Do, You're On The Road To Death.

Looking At Cleavage Is Like Looking At The Sun. You Don't Stare At It, It's Too Risky. You Get A Sense Of It And Then You Look Away.

Boy, I Miss The Days They Made Toys That Could Kill A Kid.

It's Amazing That The Amount Of News That Happens In The World Every Day Always Just Exactly Fits The Newspaper.

Can't You At Least Die With A Little Dignity?

The Whole Object Of Comedy Is To Be Yourself And The Closer You Get To That, The Funnier You Will Be.

If Professional Wrestling Did Not Exist, Could You Come Up With This Idea? Could You Envision The Popularity Of Huge Men In Tiny Bathing Suits, Pretending To Fight?

Festivus For The Restivus!

I Was In Front Of An Ambulance The Other Day, And I Noticed That The Word Ambulance Was Spelled In Reverse Print On The Hood Of The Ambulance. And I Thought, Well, Isn't That Clever. I Look In The Rear-view Mirror; I Can Read The Word Ambulance Behind Me. Of Course While You're Reading, You Don't See Where You're Going, You Crash. You Need An Ambulance. I Think They're Trying To Drum Up Some Business On The Way Back From Lunch.

If Every Instinct You Have Is Wrong, Then The Opposite Would Have To Be Right.

My Parents Didn't Want To Move To Florida, But They Turned Sixty And That's The Law.

Funny Relationship

Isn't It Weird That We Drink Milk, Stuff Designed To Nourish Baby Cows? How Did That Happen? Did Some Cattleman Once Say, "oh, Man, I Can't Wait Till Them Calves Are Done So I Can Get Me A Hit Of That Stuff."

I Only Do A Show When There's Somebody I Want To Talk To.

Magazines Are Another Medium I Love, Because 95% Is Simply Based On 'how The Hell Are We Going To Fill All This Blank Space?

Dating Is Pressure And Tension. What Is A Date, Really, But A Job Interview That Lasts All Night?

Introducing 'lite': The New Way To Spell 'light'; But With Twenty Per Cent Fewer Letters.

Dogs Have No Money. Isn't That Amazing? They're Broke Their Entire Lives. But They Get Through. You Know Why Dogs Have No Money? .. No Pockets.

That's The True Spirit Of Christmas; People Being Helped By People Other Than Me.

Twitter Is Good. Why Say A Lot To A Few People When You Can Say Virtually Nothing To Everyone?

The Blessing In Life Is When You Find The Torture You Are Comfortable With. That's Marriage, It's Kids, It's Work, It's Exercise. Find The Torture You're Comfortable With And You'll Do Well. You've Mastered That, You've Mastered Life.

I Will Never Understand Why They Cook On Tv. I Can't Smell It. Can't Eat It. Can't Taste It. The End Of The Show They Hold It Up To The Camera, 'well, Here It Is. You Can't Have Any. Thanks For Watching. Goodbye.'

There's No Way That Moving In With Your Parents Is A Sign That Your Life Is On Track.

People Don't Just Bump Into Each Other And Have Sex. This Isn't Cinemax.

I Think It's Funny To Be Delicate With Subjects That Are Explosive.

Let's Examine The Dog Mind: Every Time You Come Home, He Thinks It's Amazing. He Can't Believe That You've Accomplished This Again. You Walk In The Door. The Joy Of It Almost Kills Him. "he's Back Again! It's That Guy! It's That Guy!"

I Can't Eat Chicken And Look At Strippers At The Same Time.

I Was The Best Man At The Wedding... If I'm The Best Man, Why Is She Marrying Him?

It Reminds Me Of Like This Pathetic Friend That Everybody Had When They Were A Little Kid Who Would Let You Borrow Any Of His Stuff If You Would Just Be His Friend. That's What The Library Is. A Government Funded Pathetic Friend.

I Was In The Drug Store The Other Day Trying To Get A Cold Medication...not Easy. There's An Entire Wall Of Products You Need. You Stand There Going,"well, This One Is Quick Acting But This Is Long Lasting...which Is More Important, The Present Or The Future?"

You Don't Even Really Need A Place. But You Feel Like You're Doing Something. That Is What Coffee Is. And That Is One Of The Geniuses Of The New Coffee Culture.

Why Would You Want To Work For A Living If You Could Just Joke Around? Being A Celebrity Expands Your Commercial Possibilities.

A Recent Survey Stated That The Average Person's Greatest Fear Is Having To Give A Speech In Public. Somehow This Ranked Even Higher Than Death Which Was Third On The List. So, You're Telling Me That At A Funeral, Most People Would Rather Be The Guy In The Coffin Than Have To Stand Up And Give A Eulogy.

You Know, Crankiness Is At The Essence Of All Comedy.

I Didn't Know Every Day I Would Be Discussing The Tone Of My Voice With My Wife. I Thought It Was A Marriage. Apparently, It's A Musical.

Most People, You Do A Tv Series, It Ends Three, Four, Five Years Later; It's A Relic.

You Know What I Never Get With The Limo? The Tinted Windows. Is That So People Don't See You? Yeah, What A Better Way Not To Have People Notice You Than Taking A Thirty Foot Cadillac With A Tv Antenna And A Uniformed Driver. How Discreet. Nobody Cares Who's In The Limo. You See A Limo Go By, You Know It's Either Some Rich Jerk Or Fifty Prom Kids With $1.75 Each.

Responsible, Who Wants To Be Responsible? Whenever Something Bad Happens, It's Always, Who's Responsible For This?

Your Blessing In Life Is When You Find The Torture You're Comfortable With.

There's More To Life Than Making Shallow, Fairly Obvious Observations.

I Hate The Waiting Room. Because It's Called The Waiting Room, There's No Chance Of Not Waiting. It's Built, Designed, And Intended For Waiting. Why Would They Take You Right Away When They've Got This Room All Set Up?

We Got The Hot Fudge On The Bottom.... That Allows You To Control The Fudge Distribution While You're Eating Your Ice Cream.

No Encounter, Mouth Open Up ... That Is How The Drug Businesses See The General Public.

Surveys Show That The #1 Fear Of Americans Is Public Speaking. #2 Is Death. That Means That At A Funeral, The Average American Would Rather Be In The Casket Than Doing The Eulogy.

Elaine: Ugh, I Hate People. Jerry: Yeah, They're The Worst.

Anyone Who Would Laugh At A Recital Is Probably Some Sort Of Lunatic Anyway. I Mean, Only A Sick, Twisted Mind Could Be That Rude And Ignorant.

The Beatles Created Something That Never Trailed Off. What A Gift That Was To Their Fans. If You're Into The Beatles, You Loved Them From Beginning To End.

Women Go After Doctors Like Men Go After Models. They Want Someone With Knowledge Of The Body. We Just Want The Body.

I Mean, She's Giving And Caring And Genuinely Concerned About The Welfare Of Others. I Can't Be With Someone Like That.

The First Real Thought That I Had Of Something That I Might Do Was To Write For Car Magazines, Because I Always Had A Car Thing.

I Always Did Well On The Essay Questions. Just Put Everything You Know On There, Maybe You'll Hit It.

Writer's Block Is A Phony, Made Up, Bs Excuse For Not Doing Your Work.

I'll Tell You What I Like About Chinese People: They're Hanging In There With The Chop Sticks, Aren't They? You Know They've Seen The Fork. They're Staying With The Sticks.

I've Compiled A Book From The Internet. It's A Book Of Quotations Attributed To The Wrong People.

You Know Why Dogs Have No Money? No Pockets. 'cause They See Change On The Street All The Time And It's Driving Them Crazy. When You're Walking Them, He Is Always Looking Up At You. "there's A Quarter...."

These Pretzels Are Making Me Thirsty!

With Any Kind Of Physical Test, I Don't Know What It Is, I Always Seem To Get Competitive. Remember When You Were In School And They'd Do Those Hearing Tests? And You'd Really Be Listening Hard, You Know? I Wanted To Do Unbelievable On The Hearing Test. I Wanted Them To Come Over To Me After And Go, 'we Think You May Have Something Close To Super-hearing. What You Heard Was A Cotton Ball Touching A Piece Of Felt. We're Sending The Results To Washington, We'd Like You To Meet The President.'

Well, All Comedy Starts With Anger. You Get Angry, And Its Never For A Good Reason, Right? You Know Its Not A Good Reason. And Then You Try And Work It From There.

Well, Howard Stern Has Been Doing His Impression Of Me For Years. It Doesn't Really Bother Me.

Men Want To Make Women Happy.

Men Want The Same Thing From Their Underwear That They Want From Women: A Little Bit Of Support, And A Little Bit Of Freedom.

Did You Ever Notice, When You Are Sitting At A Red Light, That When The Person In Front Of You Pulls Up A Couple Of Inches, You Are Compelled To Move Up Too? Do We Really Think We Are Making Progress Toward Our Destination? "whew, I Thought We Would Be Late, But Now That I Am Nine Inches Closer, I Can Stop For Coffee And A Danish!"

Dogs Want To Be People. That's What Their Lives Are About. They Don't Like Being A Dog. They're With People All The Time, They Want To Graduate. My Dog Would Sit There All Day, He Would Watch Me Walk By, He Would Think To Himself, "i Could Do That! He's Not That Good.

I Admire The Hell Out Of Her. You Can't Have Sex With Someone You Admire.

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Elizabeth Berkley

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