Background Image

...

A Review Of Studies By Physicians Found That Excessive Exercise Is Bad For Your Heart. Another Study Says A Daily Serving Of Chocolate Is Actually Good For Your Heart. That's Got To Make Next Year New Year's Resolution Easier To Keep. "i'm Going To Exercise Less. Eat A Little More Chocolate.

-Jay Leno

...

Please Wait....
Translating....

A Review Of Studies

Jay Leno

...

A Review Of Studies By Physicians Found That Excessive Exercise Is Bad For Your Heart. Another Study Says A Daily Serving Of Chocolate Is Actually Good For Your Heart. That's Got To Make Next Year New Year's Resolution Easier To Keep. "i'm Going To Exercise Less. Eat A Little More Chocolate.

Views: 8

Topic

More From Jay Leno

Soup Is Probably A Way Associated With Screwing You Outside Of A Meal.

Today, One Year After Their Divorce, Pamela And Tommy Lee Announced They're Getting Back Together. You Know What That Means? There's Still Hope For Ike And Tina Turner.

We Should Make Politicians Dress Like Race Car Drivers -- When They Get Money, Make Them Wear The Company Logos On Their Suit.

A New Study Finds That Women Use Their Whole Brain When Listening And Men Only Use Half Of Their Brain. You See, Men Use The Other Half Of Their Brain To Come Up With Excuses. I Don't Think Women Use Their Whole Brain When Listening. I Think They Use Half Of It And The Other Half Is Used To Memorize What Men Are Saying So They Can Use It Against Them 10 Years Later!

President Obama Told The Irish People That America Will Always Stand By Them, To Which Israel Laughed.

Kerry Has Already Begun His Search For A Running Mate. They Say That Because John Edwards Still Has $50 Million In Campaign Money, Kerry Might Pick Him. Pick Him? Hey, For $50 Million, Kerry Will Marry Him.

Here's The Latest From The Pentagon -- The Generals Are Worried That The White House Is Spreading Itself Thin By Trying To Fight A War On Two Fronts; Afghanistan And Fox News.

It's Just A Matter Of Time Before We Go Into Iraq And Get Saddam Hussein. I Think Just Before Bush Falls Below 50 Percent, That's When We'll Be Going.

I Don’t Like Goodbyes, Nbc Does.

Republican Presidential Hopeful Mike Hucka-bs Is Attacking Actress Natalie Portman For Getting Pregnant Without Being Married. It Could Get A Little Awkward If He Runs Into Sarah And Bristol Palin At Fox News.

Nineteen Percent Of Doctors Say That They'd Be Able To Give Their Patients A Lethal Injection. But They Also Went On To Say That The Patient Would Have To Be Really, Really Behind On Payments.

The Democrats Say That President Bush Doesn't Have An Exit Strategy For Iraq. Of Course He Does. If Things Don't Go Well, He Exits In November.

In His Speech Last Night, John Kerry Said This Was The Beginning Of The End Of The Bush Administration. I Agree. Sure, It May Take Another Five Years, But This Is It.

A Survey Says That American Workers Work The First Three Hours Every Day Just To Pay Their Taxes. So That's Why We Can't Get Anything Done In The Morning: We're Government Workers.

According To The Latest Poll, A Record 73 Percent Of Americans Think The Country Is Headed In The Wrong Direction. But The Good News: Gas Is So Expensive That We'll Never Get There.

Rick Perry Was Philosophical About (his Election Losses). He Said, 'last Week Was Iowa. Yesterday Was New Hampshire. ' He Said At Least It's Giving Him A Chance To Learn The Names Of All The States.

Every Year Steve Kaufman Supports The Charity “love Ride” By Donating A Painting To This Cause.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Is Blaming Man For Global Warming. And Today, Al Gore Agreed With Him. That's So Typical. Two Cyborgs, 'oh, Let's Blame The Humans.'

Apparently 26 Years Ago, Arnold Gave An Interview To Oui Magazine About His Sex Life. The Good News Is That Arnold Is Married To Maria Shriver And Now That He's Had A Sex Scandal, The Kennedy Family Has Finally Accepted Him.

Genetic Scientists Say That One Day It Will Be Possible To Grow New Body Parts, Like New Breasts And New Hands. It's Going To Be A Huge Moneymaker, Because You Know That As Soon As Women Grow Another Breast, Men Will Want Another Hand.

President Obama Said In An Interview Over The Weekend That He Really Misses Being Anonymous. He Said, 'i Miss Saturday Mornings Rolling Out Of Bed And Not Shaving, Going To The Market...' Be Careful What You Wish For, 2012 Is Just Around The Corner!

Pundits Are Saying That President Obama Is Starting To Lose Support Among His Own Party. To Give You An Idea Of How Bad It's Gotten, Today Jimmy Carter Compared Him To Jimmy Carter.

I Guess You Heard About This; The U.s. Olympic Committee Is Coming Under Fire After It Was Revealed That The Uniforms For Team Usa To Be Worn In The Opening Ceremony Were Made In China. Turns Out They Were Made By Some Of The Same Kids Who Could Beat Us In Gymnastics. That's The Worst Part.

John Kerry Suspended His Campaign For Five Days This Week In Honor Of President Reagan. And Right Now, He's Ahead In The Polls. How's That Make Him Feel? Disappears For A Week And He's Up In The Polls. What Else Can He Do Now But Go Into Hiding.

A New York Doctor Has Finished A Five Year Study On What Smells Have The Biggest Effect On New Yorkers. The Smell New Yorkers Like The Most: Vanilla. The Smell New Yorkers Like The Least: New Jersey.

Major League Baseball Has Asked Its Players To Stop Tossing Baseballs Into The Stands During Games, Because They Say Fans Fight Over Them And They Get Hurt. In Fact, The Florida Marlins Said That's Why They Never Hit Any Home Runs. It's A Safety Issue.

President Obama Told A Group Of School Children That Broccoli Was His Favorite Food, And They Believed Him. Then He Told Them Obamacare Would Reduce The Deficit And The Kids All Busted Out Laughing.

As If This Whole Thing Isn't Confusing Enough, Election Officials Announced This Week That The Alphabet On The Ballot Will Begin With The Letter R, Then W, Then Q. You Know, Even Sesame Street Is Laughing At California Now.

California Governor Gray Davis Visited An Elementary School Here In Los Angeles Where He Taught A Class. I Don't Want To Say He Was Unpopular But The Kids Gave Him A Wedgie And Stuffed Him In A Locker.

In His First Speech As Speaker, Boehner Thanked His Loved Ones - Tobacco Lobbyists, The Oil Companies, The Ceos.

President Obama Is Asking Congress To Support A Military Strike In Syria. If They Approve, It Will Be The First Time Congress Has Officially Declared War Since Obamacare.

Did You Hear About This 20-year-old Kid Named John Walker From Northern California Who Was Apparently Fighting For The Taliban?... It Didn't Take Long For The Tv Networks To Jump On This Walker Thing. Cbs Has A New Show: 'walker: Taliban Ranger.'

Hillary Clinton's Opponent In The U.s. Senate Race, The Republican She's Going To Be Running Against, Has Been Married Three Times, Had An Affair With His Chief Of Staff, Had Two Kids With Her While Still Married To His Second Wife. This Is The First Time In History That A Clinton Is The 'family Values' Candidate.

According To The Mayans, The World Is Supposed To End In The Year 2012. Are You Buying That? When's The Last Time You Even Ran Into A Mayan?

A Dead Body Was Discovered This Week On The Grounds Of A Country Estate Owned By Queen Elizabeth. The Queen Said Today She Hopes This Serves As A Reminder To Anybody On Her Staff That There Is A Right Way And A Wrong Way To Polish Sterling Silver.

Authorities In New York City Have Foiled A Plot By Terrorists To Blow Up The Holland Tunnel. There Was One Awkward Moment When Officials Informed President Bush The Holland Tunnel Was Safe. Bush Then Thanked The Dutch Authorities For All Their Help.

Well, The Big Story -- Hillary Clinton Will Be Running For President In 2008. You Know Why I Think She's Running? I Think She Finally Wants To See What It's Like To Sleep In The President's Bed.

President Obama Wants Congress To Increase The Minimum Wage. Believe Me, When It Comes To Doing The Minimum For Their Wage, Congress Knows What It's Talking About.

A New Study Shows That American Students Are Becoming Less Proficient In Science, And If The Trend Continues, We Will Become A Nation That's Science And Chemistry Illiterate. And You Thought A Lot Of Meth Labs Are Blowing Up Now?

According To Usa Today, 74 Percent Of Americans Plan To Hand Out Candy This Halloween. Although President Obama Thinks It Should Be Just The Top 1 Percent.

As Miss America, My Goal Is To Bring Peace To The Entire World And Then Get My Own Apartment.

A Democratic Congressman Said That He Worries That The Irs Scandal Might Have A Chilling Effect On The Ira And That They Might Be Afraid To Audit People. So Finally Some Good Is Coming Out Of All Of This.

Like In [the 1950s] If You Wanted To Ruin Someone´s Career In Hollywood You Claimed He Was A Communist. Nowadays, You Want To Ruin Someone´s Career In Hollywood, You Claim They Are Republican.

Know What The Taliban Leaders Like To Do For Fun? Just Sit Around And Get Bombed.

Heating Bills This Winter Are The Highest They've Been In Five Years, But President Bush Has A Plan To Combat Rising Bills. It's Called Global Warming.

According To Cnn, Donald Rumsfeld Said The War In Iraq Did Not Go According To Plan. And President Bush Said, 'what? We Had A Plan?'

I Went Into A Mcdonald's Yesterday And Said, 'i'd Like Some Fries.' The Girl At The Counter Said, 'would You Like Some Fries With That?'

Rumors Have Restarted That The Republican Ticket Will Not Be Bush-cheney. But Today Those Rumors Were Put To Rest When Cheney Said, 'no, I'm Keeping Him On The Ticket.'

Major Heat Wave In India - 122 Degrees Today. It Was So Hot People In India Were Sweating Like Americans Waiting To Hear If Their Job Is Being Outsourced To India.

You Know What's Sad About This? Not The Gambling, But The Best Way To Reach College Athletes Is The Cartoon Network.

A Survey Released Today Found That Men Spend Twice As Much On Their Mistresses For Christmas As They Do On Their Wives. On The Other Hand, Men Spend Half Their Income On The Wives When The Wife Finds Out About The Mistress. So It All Balances Out.

A New Study Says That Working Fewer Hours Can Slow Global Warming. So You Know What That Means? President Obama's Economic Policy Is Also His Climate Change Policy.

This Osama Bin Laden Guy, Spoiled Rich Kid Worth $300m. I Have Three Words For This Guy: Anna Nicole Smith. We Send Her Over There, She'll Get His Money, He'll Be Dead In A Week.

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld Said This Week There's A Good Chance We Never Get Bin Laden. Bin Laden! We Couldn't Even Get O.j.!

All I Ask Is That You Tip Your Waiters And Waitresses. We Have To Turn This Situation Around.

Republicans Are Always Criticizing President Obama For Using The Teleprompter. Is That A Big Deal? After Eight Years Of George Bush, I'm Glad We Have A President That Can Read.

President Obama Has Announced A Task Force To Review The Tax Codes. He's Concerned There Are Too Many Loopholes And Too Many People Manipulating The System To Avoid Paying Taxes. And That's Just In His Administration.

Vice President Joe Biden Said Today That 'syria Must Be Held Accountable.' Unfortunately, The Obama Administration Has Never Employed An Accountant, So They Have No Idea How To Do That.

Is It Me Or Is Bush Going Everywhere Kerry Goes? So Far In The Past Week, President Bush Has Followed John Kerry To Davenport, Iowa; New Mexico; Las Vegas; Los Angeles; And He Follows Him To Portland, Oregon. The Only Place He Never Followed John Kerry Was Vietnam.

Portland Oregon

I Don't Know Why People Are Surprised The French Don't Want To Help Us Get Saddam Out Of Iraq. After All, France Wouldn't Help Us Get The Germans Out Of France.

John Kerry Was The Big Winner In Iowa. Ted Kennedy Introduced Kerry As The 'comeback Kid.' That Used To Be Bill Clinton's Name - Because Every Time He Would Come Back To A City, He Would Find Out If He Had A Kid Or Not.

Former Vice President Al Gore Starring In A New Documentary About Global Warming. I Believe It's Called [leno Snores]. ... The Film Actually Features Al Gore And Explores His Journey On How He First Got Interested In Temperature Change. It Started Back When He Was Vice President. He Noticed How The Temperature Would Change, Like Whenever Bill Would Walk Into The Room, It Would Get Warm And Whenever Hillary Walked Into The Room, It Got Cold.

U.n. Officials Said Today They Desperately Need $7 Billion To Help People Cope With Disasters, But They're Having A Hard Time Getting People To Send Rescue Money. Here's What The Un Should Do: Invest In Bad Mortgages, Run A Bank Into The Ground, Give Yourself A Bonus, Get Some Spa Treatments And, In No Time, The Government Will Send You $750 Billion.

Herman Cain Told A Group Of Occupy Wall Street Protesters To Go Home, Get A Job, And Get A Life. That's The Republican Version Of Hope And Change, Ladies And Gentlemen.

Casey Anthony Was Found Not Guilty. This Means That President Obama’s Economic Team Is Only The Second-most Clueless Group In America.

The Houston Astros Want To Change The Name Of Enron Field Where They Play. I Guess The Enron Name Could Cause Problems For Them. Like Players Could Steal A Base And Then Deny It.

According To Today's Los Angeles Times, Gray Davis Now Gets Negative Job Ratings From White People, Black People, Latinos, Republicans, Independents And Even Democrats. Say What You Want About The Guy But He's A Uniter!

President Bush Fell Off His Bicycle This Weekend And You Know What Was Really Sad? It's A Stationary Bike.

I Don't Mean To Harp On This, But It's Like The Networks Are A How-to Manual For Terrorists. You See Them On The News. This Reporter Is Standing Outside A Water Treatment Plant, Going, 'if They Poured The Poison Here It Could Wipe Out Thousands Because The Guard Is Off Duty From Noon Until 1 Every Day!'

The Taliban Has Asked Osama Bin Laden To Voluntarily Leave The Country.they Said They Delivered Him A Note Asking Him To Leave, Which Is A Pretty Goodtrick Considering They Claim They Don't Even Know Where He Is.

Osama Bin Laden

Anybody Can Have A Life. Careers Are Hard To Come By.

As You Know, Several Times, Mccain Talked About Serving His Country In Vietnam, Which Is A Nice Change After 16 Years And Two Presidents Who Could Never Quite Explain How They Got Out Of Serving Their Country In Vietnam.

According To New York Publishers, Bill Clinton Will Get More Money For His Book Than Hillary Clinton Got For Hers. Well, Duh. At Least His Book Has Some Sex In It.

The L.a. Times Reports That Al Qaeda Terrorists Have Been Traced To Iran, And President Bush Is Talking Tough. In Fact He Said He Will Attack The Minute He Has Evidence His Approval Rating Is Under 45 Percent.

Approval Rating

When Clinton Said He Was Going To Create 8 Million New Jobs, I Didn't Think They Were All Going To Be Tax Collectors.

A New Study Shows That The Child Population In San Francisco Is Dwindling And In Fact San Francisco Has The Smallest Share Of Children Of Any Major City In The United States. That's Odd, Huh? For Some Reason Couples In San Francisco Don't Seem To Be Reproducing As Much As Couples In Other Cities. Gee, I Wonder What The Problem Is There? You Think It Might Be Something In The Rice-a-roni?

The Crime Problem In New York Is Getting Really Serious. The Other Day The Statue Of Liberty Had Both Hands Up.

You Can't Stay Mad At Somebody Who Makes You Laugh.

Well, Harry Reid And Other Members Of Congress, They're Just Furious Over This Olympic Uniform Deal. He Says We Should Burn The Uniforms, And It's An Embarrassment And A Disgrace. Not As Embarrassing As Congress Constantly Borrowing Money From The Chinese, But Still Embarrassing.

London Olympics

Joe Biden Once Again Denied Stories That He Will Be Replaced On The Ticket In 2012. He Says He Will Continue To Embarrass President Obama For Another Four Years.

According To A New Un Report, The Global Warming Outlook Is Much Worse Than Originally Predicted. Which Is Pretty Bad, When They Originally Predicted It Would Destroy The Planet.

Whitney Houston Rear-ended A City Bus With Her Sports Car, But No One Was Hurt. She Said She Didn't Know What Happened. One Minute She Was Concentrating On The Big White Line, And The Next, Boom!

The New Specialty At The Iowa Fair This Year Is Fried Butter On A Stick. Of Course, If You're Like Me And You Want Like To Eat Healthy, Get Your Stick Of Butter Baked.

John Kerry Reportedly Flew In His Private Hairdresser Before His "meet The Press" Interview For A Total Cost Of $1,000. That's $1,000 For A Haircut, Which Sounds Like A Lot, But Have You Seen The Size Of Kerry's Head.

A Review Of Studies By Physicians Found That Excessive Exercise Is Bad For Your Heart. Another Study Says A Daily Serving Of Chocolate Is Actually Good For Your Heart. That's Got To Make Next Year New Year's Resolution Easier To Keep. "i'm Going To Exercise Less. Eat A Little More Chocolate.

I Understand The Chairman Of The Senate Ethics Comittee Is Going To Examine The Check-bouncing Scandal With A Microscope. ...makes Sense... If You're Going To Look At Ethics In Congress, A Microscope Is What You Need.

The Ceo Of The Cheesecake Factory Is Now Warning That Obamacare Will Be Very Costly. Hey, The Cheesecake Factory Is One Of The Reasons We Need Obamacare In The First Place.

Don't Forget Mother's Day. Or As They Call It In Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.

Italian Authorities Seized $6 Trillion Worth Of Fake, Worthless U.s. Treasury Bonds. Pretty Good Counterfeit Job, Too. They Look Just Like The Genuine, Worthless Treasury Bonds.

It’s Being Reported That The Economy Lost 95,000 Jobs In September. And That’s Just People Leaving The White House.

According To The Washington Post, The Nsa Has Been Monitoring Phone Calls And Emails Of People In Mexico. So Apparently It's Not Enough To Spy On American Citizens, They Feel They Have To Spy On Future American Citizens As Well.

Chris Christie Won By Such A Wide Margin That Pundits Say This Will Give Him The Impetus He Needs To Run For President. And He's Got A New Slogan: 'put The Oval In The Oval Office.'

Starbuck's Is Going To Start Selling Instant Coffee. This Is For People Who Want The Quality Of Sanka, But Want To Pay The High Starbuck's Price.

President Obama Had Lunch With Republican Leaders At The White House Today And Had To Do Without Salt, Pepper And Butter. Not For Dietary Reasons. The Republicans Refused To Pass Anything.

Hey, Barack Obama Had To Give Up His Blackberry. He's The First Wired President. ... He Might Have To Give His Blackberry Because Of Security Reasons. Because They're Easy To Hack Into. In Fact, When Obama Heard He Might Have To Give It Up, He Said, 'omg! Wtf?' I Mean, He Couldn't Believe It.

The Big Story Now Is That President Bush Is Coming Under Attack For His Service In The National Guard. The White House Said, 'no No,' That They Have Payroll Records To Show That He Served In The National Guard. But Today, The Commanding Officers Can't Remember Seeing Bush Between May And October Of '72. President Bush Said, 'remember Me? I'm The Drunk Guy. Remember Me?'

I Watched That New Reality Show On Abc With Charlie Gibson, 'america's Next Top Vice President.' ... Oh, What An Exciting Show That Is! Did You See Sarah Palin's Interview With Charlie Gibson? Did You All Watch That? In Fact, John Mccain Was Watching It At Home, And At One Point, He Turned To His Wife And Said, 'she Looks Really Familiar.'

Former Enron Founder Ken Lay And Ceo Jeffrey Skilling Found Guilty In The Enron Case. Ken Lay Is So Guilty I'm Surprised People Aren't Calling Him Congressman Ken Lay. Wait 'till These Guys Find Out In Prison That Insider Trading Has A Whole New Meaning.

As You May Have Heard, The U.s. Is Putting Together A Constitution For Iraq. Why Don't We Just Give Them Ours? Think About It - It Was Written By Very Smart People, It's Served Us Well For Over Two Hundred Years, And Besides, We're Not Using It Anymore.

John Kerry Has Promised To Take This Country Back From The Wealthy. Who Better Than The Guy Worth $700 Million To Take The Country Back? See, He Knows How The Wealthy Think. He Can Spy On Them At His Country Club, At His Place In Palm Beach, At His House In The Hamptons. He's Like A Mole For The Working Man.

What's The Difference Between Lindsay Lohan And Rick Perry? It Only Takes Lindsay Four And A Half Hours To Finish A Sentence.

Barack Obama's Mother-in-law Might Be Moving Into The White House With Him. Joe Biden Was Right. Hostile Forces Will Test Him In The First Few Months.

As You Know, Today Was Don't Take Your Illegal Immigrant To Work Day Here In Los Angeles. No, All Across The Nation They Had A Day Without Immigrants, Is What They Call It. Or, As Native Americans Call It, The Good Ol' Days.

Native American

President Obama Will Be Going To Disney World Where He'll Unveil His New Plan To Create Jobs. And What Better Place For The President To Talk About His Jobs Plan Than Fantasyland?

Wikipedia Was Offline After An Overheating Problem At One Of Its Data Centers. It Was Pretty Bad. For A While There, People Had Nowhere To Go For Phony, Inaccurate Information.

I'm Trying To Sum Up President Obama's First 11 Months In Office. He Gave Billions To Wall Street, Cracked Down On Illegal Immigrants Getting Health Care, And He's Sending 30,000 More Troops To Afghanistan. You Know Something, He May Go Down In History As Our Greatest Republican President Ever.

The Entire Spring And Summer Line From Marc Jacobs Was Stolen On The Way To The Fashion Show In Paris. The Thief Is Considered Armed And Fabulous.

According To The New York Times, More Than Half Of President Obama's Twitter Followers Are Fake. They Don't Even Exist. Which Is Actually A Good Thing Because If They Did Exist There Wouldn't Be Any Jobs For Them.

Remember When Obama Was Campaigning? Didn't He Say He Was Going To Close Guantanamo Bay? Didn't He Say That? Apparently, He Just Meant For Renovations.

On Capitol Hill, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales Raised His Right Hand, Swore To Tell The Truth, And Then Everybody Had A Good Laugh And Went Back To What They Were Doing.

President Bush Released His Tax Returns Yesterday. He Listed The Economy As A Liability. He Gets To Write That Off.

The White House Is Defending President Obama's Sports Activities Over The Past Week, Saying That Everyone Needs Leisure Time. Thanks To These Economic Policies, 9.5 Percent Of Americans Have All The Leisure Time They Need.

Did You Hear That We're Writing Iraq's New Constitution? Why Not Just Give Them Ours? We're Not Using It Anymore.

It Looks Like Rudy Giuliani Is Out Of The Race. Finally, A Republican With An Exit Strategy.

There Was Also Talk Of Bringing Al Gore To California To Help Out, But There Was Concern That Gray Davis And Al Gore In The Same State Would Cause Some Kind Of Rolling Personality Blackout.

Seems There's A Big Debate Going On About Whether A New Tv Commercial For Minute Maid Orange Juice Portrays Popeye And Bluto As Gay Lovers Or Just Good Friends. The Commercial Shows Popeye And Bluto At The Beach And Riding A Bicycle For Two. I Don't Think That Makes Them Gay. I Think The Fact They Both Find Olive Oyl Attractive, That Makes Them Gay.

More Details Coming Out About Michael Jackson. It Seems His 13-year-old Accuser Testified Before A Grand Jury That Michael Had Seven Locks On His Bedroom Door. See, What Happened Was Whenever Michael Would Install One Lock, The Kid Would Grow An Inch Taller, And He'd Have To Put In Another One, And Then Another One, And Then Another One.

Bill Clinton Is The Only Ex-president Who Hasn't Planned His Own Funeral. But, In His Defense, In The Past He Has Said He Wants To Be Buried Next To Hillary. I Guess He Figures He Never Slept Next To Her When They Were Alive, Might As Well Try It Now That They're Dead.

I'm Sure You Know By Now, Jesse Jackson Was Overheard Saying, And I'll Put This More Delicately, That He Wanted To Cut Barack Obama's Testicles Off. And Jesse Has Been On Several News Programs The Last Couple Of Days, Explaining What He Meant By Those Comments. Do You Need To Explain That?

Now This Really Annoys Me: All These People Getting On The Internet And Saying Nostradamus Predicted This. If Nostradamus Were Alive Today His Name Would Be Miss Cleo And He'd Be Charging $2.99 A Minute.

According To The British Journal Of Psychiatry, Marijuana Can Cause Panic Attacks. I Don't Know . . . The Only Time I Have Ever Seen A Marijuana User Look Panicky Is When They Are Out Of Marijuana.

You've Got Bush And Gore Headed To The Supreme Court. You've Got George W. Bush's Intelligence Will Be Pitted Against Al Gore's Honesty. This Is More Like A Case For Small Claims Court.

A New Poll Shows That Americans Now Believe That Bill Clinton Is More Honest Than President Bush. At Least When Clinton Screwed The Nation, He Did It One Person At A Time.

Obama Called On Americans To Have More Grandchildren. Probably So There's More Of Them To Pay Off Our Debt.

President Obama Is Currently On A Week-long Trip To Africa, Where He Will Promote Freedom, Democracy, And Economic Opportunity. I Guess He Figured It Hasn't Worked Here - So Try It Somewhere Else.

Saddam Hussein Also Challenged President Bush To A Debate. The Butcher Of Baghdad Vs. The Butcher Of The English Language.

Nike Actually Has A Pair Of Shoes Called Air-turbulence. Try Getting Past Airline Security Wearing Those. Might As Well Call Them Air-osama.

You Know What Arnold Schwarzenegger And Meg Whitman Have In Common? They Both Got In Trouble For Stiffing The Maid.

According To The New York Times, The Mob Has Now Gotten Into Medicare Fraud. But The Good News Is, When They Do Break Your Legs There's A Good Chance You're Covered.

As You Know, There Were Lots Of Huge Marches Around The Country Yesterday To Protest The Immigration Laws. The Marches Had Quite An Impact On Businesses. Restaurants Had To Close, Construction Sites Had To Shut Down, The Yankees Had To Forfeit A Game. ... Do You Realize That Americans Are Now Doing The Jobs That Immigrants Won't Do Because They're Out Protesting?

More Bad News For The Taliban. Remember How They Are Promised 72 Virgins When They Die? Turns Out That It's Only One 72-year-old Virgin.

It's Cold Out. It's Even Cold In Florida. So Cold Today That Katherine Harris Put On A Third Layer Of Makeup.

Barack Obama Said Today That Politics Has Become Too Gummed Up By Money And Influence ... And Then He Had To Leave To Attend A Fundraiser.

Even Arnold's Adviser Says He Was Shocked By His Decision To Run. I Mean, His People Were Backstage That Night And They Had No Idea. He Totally Fooled Them. Who Knew Arnold Was That Good Of An Actor? If He Had Done That In A Movie, He'd Have An Academy Award By Now.

Anyway, A Spokesman For Barack Obama Says The Prisoners That Are Released From Guantanamo Will Either Be Sent Back To Their Home Countries Or Enter The New York City Cab Driver Training Program.

It Was Reported In The Paper That President Bush Received A 'warm Reception' From The Daytona 500 Drivers. Well Sure, The Drivers Had Never Met Anyone Who Was Sponsored By More Oil Companies Than They Were.

Enron Is Now Officially Out Of The Energy Business. They Are Now In A New Business: Confetti.

In The Spirit Of The Olympic Games, They Traditionally Ask That All Fighting And Warfare Around The World Stop. So, There's Hope For A Ceasefire Within The Jackson Family.

London Olympics

Jack Abramoff Is Going To Testify Against Some Of The Other Weasels In Congress. A Lobbyist Testifying Against Congressmen? How Many Bibles Are Going To Burst Into Flames In That Courtroom?

Well, It Looks Like We've Moved A Step Closer To War. Not With Iraq. With France And Germany. How Did We Screw That One Up?

Political Experts Are Saying The Reason John Kerry Is Doing So Well Is Because He's 'electable.' Hey, So Was Al Gore - In Fact, He Even Got Elected And It Didn't Help Him At All.

Researchers In England Say Tall Men Are More Likely To Have More Children Than Short Men. Here In America We Call That The Nba Theory.

Oscar Nominations Came Out Today. Up For Best Actor, Sean Penn For 'mystic River,' Jude Law For 'cold Mountain,' And Of Course, George W. Bush For 'iraqi Weapons Of Mass Destruction.'

Mass Destruction

Apparently, Osama Bin Laden Was Killed With Money And Phone Numbers Sewn Into His Clothing. So We Got Him Right Before He Left For Summer Camp.

You Know, It Shows How Old I Am. I Can Remember The Good Old Days When The President Picked The Supreme Court Justices Instead Of The Other Way Around.

The Canadian Prime Minister Said Canada Would Lend The U.s. Its Full Military Support. You Know What That Means: Both Tanks.

Now, I Have A Halloween Mask I Think You Might Get A Kick Out Of. That's Scary.

Researchers Found A Frog In New Guinea That Is So Tiny, They Believe It's The Smallest Vertebrate On The Planet. It Has The Tiniest Backbone Of Any Living Creature, Except Members Of Congress.

President Obama Gave A Big Speech On Climate Change. He Believes Global Warming Is Getting Worse Because Apparently He's Sweating A Lot More During His Second Term

Yesterday President Obama Said, 'we Can't Continue To Treat Tax Money Like Monopoly Money.' Oh Really - How Come All Those Guys On Wall Street Got 'get Out Of Jail Free' Cards?

A German Psychologist Says That Women Talk More Than Men Because They Have A Bigger Vocabulary. But, It Evens Out Because Men Only Listen Half The Time.

Riding A Ducati Is Like Having Sex With An Aerobics Instructor - You Know, I'm Exhausted And Panting And It's Going: 'are You Done, Already?'

Women Get A Little More Excited About New Year's Eve Than Men Do. It's Like An Excuse: You Drink Too Much, You Make A Lot Of Promises You're Not Going To Keep; The Next Morning As Soon As You Wake Up You Start Breaking Them. For Men, We Just Call That A Date.

The Big Question Now Is Who Will Take Power In Afghanistan Once The Taliban Is Defeated. I Was Thinking, How About Al Gore? He's Not Doing Anything, He Needs A Job, And He's Already Got The Beard.

Colin Farrel Was Recently Asked About Prostitutes And He Said, It's Like Ordering A Pizza. Really? What Restaurant Is He Going To? All I Ever Get Is A Pizza... I Guess In Some Ways It Is - When It's Delivered, It's Never Quite As Hot As You Hoped It Would Be.

Today, President Barack Obama Promised To 'detect And Pursue' American Tax Evaders, As Opposed To His First 100 Days, In Which He Detected And Nominated American Tax Evaders.

The Kinsey Institute Says Gay Men Have Bigger Sex Organs. Hence The Origin Of Gay Pride.

Mitt Romney Is Coming Under Fire Because Even Though He Is A Multimillionaire, He Only Paid 15 Percent In Taxes. That's Not A Tax, That's Barely A Tip.

That Must Be Strange, Cheating On Your Wife With A Flight Attendant. They're In Bed And She's Says, 'in The Event That Wife Should Come Home Early Please Notice The Location Of The Nearest Emergency Exit.'

Political Analysts Say That President Bush's Re-election Strategy Is To Try And Convince Americans That He's A War President. I Don't Get That, Do You Think That'll Work? I Mean, Don't You Think That If He Tries To Convince The American People That We Need A War President, Isn't He Afraid That They're Going To Vote For The Guy That Was Actually In A War?

According To The New York Daily News, Geraldo Said He Is Now Carrying A Gun, And He Will Personally Shoot Osama Bin Laden If He Finds Him. If Osama Also Has A Gun, This Could Work Out Okay.

America Needs Obamacare Like Nancy Pelosi Needs A Halloween Mask.

Former U.s. House Majority Leader, Tom Delay, Has Been Sentenced To Three Years In Prison. One Year For Money Laundering And Two More For His Performance On 'dancing With The Stars.'

Majority Leader

Bill Maher And I Are On Against Each Other, And We're Friends. He Can Do My Show Any Time He Wants, And I've Done Politically Incorrect Several Times. There's No Reason To Think Competition Has To Be Adversarial.

I Guess We Didn't Even Officially Apologize. Jesse Jackson Called On The United States To Officially Apologize To The Chinese. Jesse Said, 'an Apology Is Not A Sign Of Weakness.' And As President Clinton Has Taught Us, An Apology Isn't Even A Sign You're Sorry.

A Pakistan Businessman Is Claiming That John Walker Lindh Is Gay And That He Was His Lover. Say What You Will About Lindh, But When This Guy Goes To Play For The Other Team - He Goes All The Way ... So Lindh May Be Both A Terrorist And A Gay Man. That May Be John Ashcroft's Worst Nightmare.

It Turns Out Enron Workers Were Not Only Shredding Documents At Work, They Were Having Sex At Work. Having Sex And Shredding Documents. Those Are Two Things You Don't Want To Get Mixed Up.

Former Enron Ceo Jeffrey Skilling Appeared Before Congress. Do You Think They Even Bothered Swearing Him In? Now He Is Denying He Lied To Congress Last Week. He's Saying It Was Just The Liquor Talking.

Happiness Is A Privilege.

After Saying The Jobs Bill Is Paid For, President Obama Now Says That It Will Be Paid For By Raising Taxes Over 10 Years. I Can't Figure Out If He's The Kind Of Guy Who Makes Infomercials, Or The Kind Of Guy Who Falls For Infomercials.

We're Heading For A Gov. Shutdown. This Is Serious. W/o The Gov Who Will Fail To Inspect Our Airplanes? Who Will Fail To Secure Our Borders? Who Will Put Us 14 Trillion Dollars In Debt?

Republicans Are Now Saying That Dan Rather Should Lose His Job Because He Misled The Country With Bogus Information. Which Is Odd Because The Democrats Are Saying The Exact Same Thing About President Bush.

A Team Of British Lawyers Has Now Concluded That The Declaration Of Independence Was Illegal, And The American Colonies Had No Right To Secede From England. Well, You Thought Our Court System Was Backed Up.

Anybody Who Gives Their Car To A Valet Isn't A Car Guy

Two Americans Have Been Awarded The Nobel Prize For Economics. They Are The First To Figure Out All The Charges On Their Telephone Bill.

Inauguration Security Was Tighter Than Kirstie Alley In A Pair Of Spandex Pants.

They Said That President Bush's War In Iraq Has Cost The Former Spanish Prime Minister His Job. So President Bush Isn't Losing American Jobs Anymore, He's Branching Out To Other Countries.

The Catholic Church Is Still Very Angry About The Da Vinci Code - They Don't Like Anything That Makes More Money In A Weekend Than They Do.

Do You Realize That The Bush Administration Has Now Produced More Gay Marriages Than Jobs?

The Irs Says It's Been Getting Death Threats Since The Health Care Bill Passed Because The Irs Is Going To Be The Ones In Charge Of Implementing It. They Say The Threats People Are Making To The Irs Are So Bad, That They Are Actually Hindering The Irs's Ability To Threaten People.

According To Federal Reports Filed Yesterday, The Obama Campaign Spent More Money Than They Raised In The Month Of May. They Spent More Money Than They Raised? Well, That's Called Being A Democrat

New Year's Eve, Where Auld Acquaintance Be Forgot. Unless, Of Course, Those Tests Come Back Positive.

While Visiting Kenya, Former President Clinton Was Offered 40 Goats And 20 Cows For His Daughter, Chelsea, By A Love Struck Government Official. Bill Said, "no Way!" How Does That Make Hillary Feel? Bill Almost Gave Her Up For One Cow.

The Obama Administration Has Admitted That Under Obamacare, You Might Not Be Able To Keep Your Doctor. At First The President Guaranteed You'd Be Able To Keep Your Doctor, And Now They're Saying You 'might' Be Able To. Today Obama Changed His Slogan From 'yes We Can' To 'perhaps We Could Try. Can't Promise Anything.'

I Love All These Politicians, They All Say The Same Thing - 'we'll Give California Back To The People.' Yeah, Great, Now That It's Not Worth Anything, They Want To Give It Back To Us.

A Canadian Psychologist Is Selling A Video That Teaches You How To Test Your Dog's Iq. Here's How It Works: If You Spend $12.99 For The Video, Your Dog Is Smarter Than You.

The Irs Said Today Anyone With A Refund Coming From Their 2001 Taxes Will Lose It If They Don't Pick It Up By April 15th. If It Is More Then Three Years They Will Just Keep It. How Come It Doesn't Work That Way With Back Taxes?

Yesterday All Five Living Presidents Gathered For The Opening Of The George W. Bush Presidential Library In Dallas. Well, Six Living Presidents If You Count Hillary In 2016.

Financial Experts Are Saying We Are Entering A New Chapter In The American Economy. I Believe It's Chapter 11.

President Obama Is Coming Under Criticism Now For Not Meeting With His Jobs Council. He Hasn't Met With His Jobs Council In Over Six Months. You Know The Reason Obama Hasn't Met With His Job Council In Six Months? They're All Out Looking For Jobs.

Dean's Wife, Judith Steinberg, Made A Rare Appearance With Dean. She's A Doctor, So I Guess They Brought Her In To Stop The Hemorrhaging.

A Lot Of Congressmen Yesterday Were Upset When Kenneth Lay Took The Fifth. Lay Said It Wasn't His Fault. He Had Planned On Testifying, But When Jeffrey Skilling Testified, He Took All The Really Good Lies.

The Queen Of England Jumped Out Of A Helicopter And Parachuted Into The Stadium. What Was Even More Amazing Was When Prince Charles Flew In Using His Ears As A Hang Glider.

London Olympics

Denmark Is Charging A Fat Food Tax On Cheese, Meat, And Oil. Here, We Call That The Denny's Grand Slam Breakfast.

Texas Governor Rick Perry Now Says His Wife Has Been Encouraging Him To Run For President. Remember First He Told Us God Told Him To Run; Now His Wife Is Telling Him To Run. Of Course, The Big Difference; If You Ignore What God Says You Don't Have To Hear About It Until The Afterlife. That's The Only Difference.

People Don't Mind If You Have A Lot Of Money If They Know You're Working For It.

We Ought To Thank President Bush. He Made It A Lot Easier For People To Do Taxes This Year. No Job, No Income Tax This Year.

According To Government Auditors, The Stimulus Money Is Being Held Up Because There Aren't Enough Government Workers To Oversee The Spending. So Follow Me, In Other Words, Government Workers Who Aren't There Are Needed To Spend Money We Don't Have To Create Jobs That Don't Exist.

The Hot Gossip In Washington Is That Condoleezza Rice Might Have A New Boyfriend. Secretary Of State Rice Is Being Linked To Canada's Foreign Minister, Peter Mackay. It's Gotta Be Awkward Dating A Fellow Diplomat. Like Today, Mackay Had To Promise Condi He Would Get Permission From The U.n. Before He Invaded Her.

The Republican Debate Got Pretty Heated. They Spent Most Of Their Time Arguing Over Who God Called First.

Trending Author

Juan Manuel Santos

Category