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A Canadian Psychologist Is Selling A Video That Teaches You How To Test Your Dog's Iq. Here's How It Works: If You Spend $12.99 For The Video, Your Dog Is Smarter Than You.

-Jay Leno

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A Canadian Psychologist Is

Jay Leno

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A Canadian Psychologist Is Selling A Video That Teaches You How To Test Your Dog's Iq. Here's How It Works: If You Spend $12.99 For The Video, Your Dog Is Smarter Than You.

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For Years President Obama Has Been Saying That No One Would Lose Their Healthcare Plan. Now The White House Has Admitted That In Fact Many People Will Lose Their Plans. But There Is A Way To Keep The Great Coverage You Have. Just Become A Member Of Congress. Then The Taxpayers Pay For The Whole Thing.

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The Pennsylvania Game Commission Has Charged A Man With Going Deer Hunting With A Handgun In A Wal-mart Parking Lot. He Is Being Charged With Reckless Endangerment, But May Plead Guilty To The Lesser Charge Of Being A Redneck.... Hunting In A Wal-mart Parking Lot. That's Got To Be Some Good Eating A Deer That Lives On Leftover Twizzlers And Mountain Dew.

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Speaking Spanish

U.n. Officials Said Today They Desperately Need $7 Billion To Help People Cope With Disasters, But They're Having A Hard Time Getting People To Send Rescue Money. Here's What The Un Should Do: Invest In Bad Mortgages, Run A Bank Into The Ground, Give Yourself A Bonus, Get Some Spa Treatments And, In No Time, The Government Will Send You $750 Billion.

In An Interview With Rolling Stone, Senator John Kerry, Who Is Running For President, Said That When He Voted For The War In Iraq, He Didn't Expect President Bush To 'f--- It Up As Badly As He Did.' Here's Some Breaking News, Tomorrow Former Vice President Al Gore Expected To Endorse Howard Dean As The Democratic Nominee For President Of The United States - And You Thought John Kerry Was Using Four Letter Words Before! Actually, To John Kerry, Dean Is A Four Letter Word.

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Osama Bin Laden

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Approval Rating

It’s Being Reported That The Economy Lost 95,000 Jobs In September. And That’s Just People Leaving The White House.

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Yesterday, Saddam Hussein Got 100 Percent Of The Vote. Well, That's According To Saddam's Campaign Manager, Jeb Hussein.

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Congratulations

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Do You Have Any Idea How Cheap Stocks Are? Wall Street Is Now Being Called Wall Mart Street

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There Are 249 Millionaires In Congress. Remember A Couple Of Years Ago When This New Congress Told Us They Had The Solution To The Recession? Apparently, They Didn't Share It With The Rest Of Us.

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The Report On Climate Change Said That Humans Are Very Likely Making The Planet Warmer. To Which Hillary Clinton Said, 'hey, Can't Blame Me For That One.'

President Obama's Re-election Campaign Said That This Year They'll Knock On 150 Percent More Doors Than They Did In 2008. Well, Of Course They Will. They Have To. There's So Many Foreclosures It's Tough To Tell Where People Live.

I'm Glad The Government Has Shut Down. Think About It, For The First Time In Years It's Safe To Talk On The Phone And Send Emails Without Anybody Listening In.

Nancy Pelosi Said That When It Comes To Cleaning Up Government, The Democrats Have Drained The Swamp. The Only Problem With That Is What's Left After You Drain The Swamp: Snakes Everywhere.

According To The Mayans, The World Is Supposed To End In The Year 2012. Are You Buying That? When's The Last Time You Even Ran Into A Mayan?

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Mcdonald's Announced That It's Considering A More Humane Way Of Slaughtering Its Animals. You Know They Fatten Them Up And Then Kill Them. You Know The Same Thing They Do To Their Customers, Isn't It?

The Queen Of England Jumped Out Of A Helicopter And Parachuted Into The Stadium. What Was Even More Amazing Was When Prince Charles Flew In Using His Ears As A Hang Glider.

London Olympics

Inauguration Security Was Tighter Than Kirstie Alley In A Pair Of Spandex Pants.

Before They Went On Vacation, Congress Voted To Exempt Themselves From Obamacare. They Gave Themselves A Special Exemption Because They Thought It Was Too Expensive. So The People Who Voted For Obamacare For Us Voted To Exempt Themselves From It. You Know How Doctors Take The Hippocratic Oath. Congress Apparently Takes The 'hypocritic Oath.'

Mitt Romney Has A New Fundraising Gimmick. If You Donate $3 Or More To His Campaign, Your Name Will Be Entered Into A Drawing To Win A Dinner With Mitt Romney And Donald Trump. If You Donate More Than $10, You Get To Sit At A Different Table.

I'm Sure You Know By Now, Jesse Jackson Was Overheard Saying, And I'll Put This More Delicately, That He Wanted To Cut Barack Obama's Testicles Off. And Jesse Has Been On Several News Programs The Last Couple Of Days, Explaining What He Meant By Those Comments. Do You Need To Explain That?

Today Arnold Schwarzenegger Made Another Major Announcement. He Said His Lieutenant Governor Will Be Xena, Warrior Princess.

I Don't Want To Say Gray Davis Is On The Run, But Today He Released An Audiotape On The Al Jazeera Network From His Underground Bunker Somewhere In The Sacramento Area.

President Obama Had Lunch With Republican Leaders At The White House Today And Had To Do Without Salt, Pepper And Butter. Not For Dietary Reasons. The Republicans Refused To Pass Anything.

The Big Question Now Is Who Will Take Power In Afghanistan Once The Taliban Is Defeated. I Was Thinking, How About Al Gore? He's Not Doing Anything, He Needs A Job, And He's Already Got The Beard.

The Reigning Miss Canada Has Been Arrested For Punching Out Another Woman In A Bar Fight.quite Frankly, I Think It's Refreshing To Finally Find One Beauty Pageant Winner Who Is Against World Peace.

President Bush Stopped Off At A Bass Pro Fishing Store To Pick Up A Fishing Reel, Some Line And Some Rubber Worms. He's Going To Disappear And Go Fishing. So He Must Think He's Back In The National Guard.

If President Obama Really Wants To Hurt The Syrian Government, Don't Send Cruise Missiles. He Should Send Over Some Of His Economic Advisers.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Made His Tax Returns Public, [and] Now There's A Problem About Him Stretching The Truth. Apparently Under Occupation He Put Down 'actor.'

Yesterday, President-elect Barack Obama Announced His New Economic Team. You Know What He Should Do? Hire Those People Who Were In Charge Of His Fundraising Campaign. We Can Pay This Thing Off In Like A Week.

John Kerry Keeping A Low Profile This Week. He Said He Wanted To Get Away And Go Someplace Where No One Would Expect To See Him. So I Guess He Showed Up At His Old Seat In The Senate. Nobody's Going To Look For Him There.

Howard Dean Dropped Out Of The Race Today. At Least He Can't Claim His Voice Wasn't Heard.

I Had A Dog That Was So Lazy, He Had A Prerecorded Bark.

Give A Man A Fish And He Will Eat For A Day. Teach A Man To Fish And He Will Eat For A Lifetime. Teach A Man To Create An Artificial Shortage Of Fish And He Will Eat Steak.

Disneyland Celebrated Its 40th Anniversary By Burying A Time Capsule. They Say It Will Be Dug Up In 50 Years - Or When The Last Person In Line At Space Mountain Gets To The Front, Whichever Comes First.

As If This Whole Thing Isn't Confusing Enough, Election Officials Announced This Week That The Alphabet On The Ballot Will Begin With The Letter R, Then W, Then Q. You Know, Even Sesame Street Is Laughing At California Now.

The 99 Cent Only Store Is Calling Itself Your Valentine's Day Headquarters. Guys, If That's Your Valentine's Day Headquarters, You Can Also Call The Garage Your New Home.

In South Korea, A Scientist Considered To Be One Of The Pioneers In The Field Of Cloning Has Been Sentenced To Two Years In Prison. At Least, They Think It's Him.

Magic Johnson, Former Basketball Player, May Run For Mayor Of L.a. In The Next Election. Remember The Good 'ol Days When Only Qualified People Ran For Office Like Actors And Professional Wrestlers.

Heating Bills This Winter Are The Highest They've Been In Five Years, But President Bush Has A Plan To Combat Rising Bills. It's Called Global Warming.

New Year's Eve, Where Auld Acquaintance Be Forgot. Unless, Of Course, Those Tests Come Back Positive.

Former Vice President Al Gore Starring In A New Documentary About Global Warming. I Believe It's Called [leno Snores]. ... The Film Actually Features Al Gore And Explores His Journey On How He First Got Interested In Temperature Change. It Started Back When He Was Vice President. He Noticed How The Temperature Would Change, Like Whenever Bill Would Walk Into The Room, It Would Get Warm And Whenever Hillary Walked Into The Room, It Got Cold.

Bill Maher And I Are On Against Each Other, And We're Friends. He Can Do My Show Any Time He Wants, And I've Done Politically Incorrect Several Times. There's No Reason To Think Competition Has To Be Adversarial.

President Obama Said He Is Going To Use The Gulf Disaster To Push A New Energy Bill Through Congress. How About Using The Gulf Disaster To Fix The Gulf Disaster?

The Latest Report Is That Osama Bin Laden Has Shaved His Beard, Is Wearing Western Clothes And Has Had Plastic Surgery. Isn't That Amazing? The Guy Has Made Just Two Videos And He's Already Gone Hollywood.

They Had So Much Rain In New York That A Lot Of The Cabbies Had Their First Shower In Years.

So, It's Pretty Crazy. Look, We're Bailing Out Wall Street, We're Bailing Out Banks, We're Bailing Out Car Companies. In Fact, Did You Know There's A Special Box On Your Tax Form This Year You Can Check If You Want A Portion Of Your Taxes To Actually Go To Running The Government?

The Stock Market Was Down Today. Two Major Businesses Declared Bankruptcy, Consumer Spending Is At An All Time Low - In Other Words, Bush Is Back On The Job.

The White House Has Finally Found One Guy That Kinda Remembers Serving With President Bush In The National Guard. Now They Just Need To Find Someone Who Remembers Bush Working On An Economic Plan. ... I Think The White House Spent More Money Looking For This Guy Than Finding Weapons Of Mass Destruction.

Mass Destruction

President Obama Will Be Going To Disney World Where He'll Unveil His New Plan To Create Jobs. And What Better Place For The President To Talk About His Jobs Plan Than Fantasyland?

My Dad's Idea Of A Good Time Is To Go To Sears And Walk Around.

According To Government Auditors, The Stimulus Money Is Being Held Up Because There Aren't Enough Government Workers To Oversee The Spending. So Follow Me, In Other Words, Government Workers Who Aren't There Are Needed To Spend Money We Don't Have To Create Jobs That Don't Exist.

The Nfl Draft Is Going To Be This Thursday. That's A Huge Night For College Players. That's The Night They Start Being Paid Over The Table.

The Catholic Church Is Still Very Angry About The Da Vinci Code - They Don't Like Anything That Makes More Money In A Weekend Than They Do.

An Israeli Man's Life Was Saved When He Was Given A Palestinian Man's Heart In A Heart Transplant Operation. The Guy Is Doing Fine, But The Bad News Is, He Can't Stop Throwing Rocks At Himself.

Six Women Have Come Forward That Say Arnold Schwarzenegger Groped Them Without Their Consent. This Proves He Would Be A Hands-on Governor.

I Saw Something Stupid In The Paper Today - A New Alarm Clock That Makes No Noise. It's For People Who Don't Like Loud Noises. Instead, It Slowly Hits You With Light And Gets Brighter And Brighter Until You Wake Up. I Already Have One Of Those... It's Called A Window.

Remember When Obama Was Campaigning? Didn't He Say He Was Going To Close Guantanamo Bay? Didn't He Say That? Apparently, He Just Meant For Renovations.

One Thing About Mildly Dyslexic People - They're Good At Setting Everything Else Aside To Pursue One Goal.

The Senate Is Now Considering Increasing Government Subsidies For Corn Growers To Produce More Ethanol. If We Produce Enough Ethanol We Can Postpone Our Next Invasion Of A Middle Eastern Country For Two To Three Years.

Is It Me Or Is President Bush's Life Starting To Sound Like A Country Song. He's From Texas, His Dog Just Died, And It Looks Like He Might Lose His Job. Next Thing, His Truck Is Going To Break Down.

President Obama Told A Group Of School Children That Broccoli Was His Favorite Food, And They Believed Him. Then He Told Them Obamacare Would Reduce The Deficit And The Kids All Busted Out Laughing.

Al Jazeera Aired A New Tape Of Osama Bin Laden. It Was The Usual Stuff, He Called Bush Evil, The Great Satan, Called Him A War Monger. Basically, The Same Thing You Heard At Last Night's Democratic Debate.

"this Is Now The Twelfth Day Of Rioting In France. They Have Been Rioting For Almost Two Weeks. And France Has Still Not Surrendered. That's Like A Record.

The Taliban Has Asked Osama Bin Laden To Voluntarily Leave The Country.they Said They Delivered Him A Note Asking Him To Leave, Which Is A Pretty Goodtrick Considering They Claim They Don't Even Know Where He Is.

Osama Bin Laden

You've Got Bush And Gore Headed To The Supreme Court. You've Got George W. Bush's Intelligence Will Be Pitted Against Al Gore's Honesty. This Is More Like A Case For Small Claims Court.

According To The New York Daily News, Geraldo Said He Is Now Carrying A Gun, And He Will Personally Shoot Osama Bin Laden If He Finds Him. If Osama Also Has A Gun, This Could Work Out Okay.

There's This Big Pie In Show Business, And You Physically Can't Eat The Whole Pie. If You Give Everybody A Slice Of Pie, You Will Still Have More Than Enough. The Real Trick Is Not To Try To Get The Whole Pie, But To Keep The Biggest Slice.

President Obama Has Begun A Three-state Bus Tour. I Believe The Three States Are: Confusion, Delusion, And Desperation.

The Senate Voted 97-0 For An Anti-spam Bill To Stop Those Annoying Things You Get On Your Computer. The Senators Made It Very Clear That When You Start Misleading The American People And Start Taking Their Money Over False Promises, That's Our Turf, Buddy!

How Many Have Seen That Osama Bin Laden Footage? Pretty Scary. In Fact, Today, Nbc Ordered 13 More Episodes.

A Canadian Psychologist Is Selling A Video That Teaches You How To Test Your Dog's Iq. Here's How It Works: If You Spend $12.99 For The Video, Your Dog Is Smarter Than You.

I Don't Know Why It's So Hard To Believe Women. You To Go Saudi Arabia And You Need Two Women To Testify Against A Man. Here You Need 25.

Here Is Your Government At Work. A Congressman From Colorado Said He Wants To Draft A Rule That Would Make It Unethical To Have A Sexual Relationship With An Intern. Only Congress Would Need A Rule To Tell Them Cheating On Their Wives Is Not Ethical. Don't We Have That Rule? I Believe It's Called The Sixth Commandment.

In A New Issue Of Esquire Magazine, They Revealed That Before He Was Married To Teresa Heinz, Senator John Kerry Dated Morgan Fairchild, Michelle Phillips, Catherine Oxenberg And Dana Delany. Finally A Democratic Presidential Candidate With Good Taste In Women.

Those Two Pilots That Sped 150 Miles Past Their Minneapolis Destination Have Been Suspended. They Got Suspended Because They Were Looking At Their Laptops Instead Of Flying The Plane. Think About This -- Everybody Else On The Plane Has To Turn Off Their Laptops Except For The People Flying The Plane.

We Ought To Thank President Bush. He Made It A Lot Easier For People To Do Taxes This Year. No Job, No Income Tax This Year.

The Longest-serving Republican Senator, Alaska's Ted Stevens, Found Guilty Just A Few Hours Ago On All Charges In His Corruption Trial. Do You Know This Story? He Failed To Report He Had Some Work Done On His House. Yeah, Here's The Bad Part. You Know Who Did The Work? Joe The Plumber. Unlicensed.

They Say There Are Something Like 12 Million Illegal Immigrants In The Country Right Now, With Another Half A Million Coming Every Year. Remember In The Last Election When The Democrats Claimed There Was Two Americas? Turns Out One Of Them Was Mexico.

Clinton's Pet Labrador, Buddy, Is Getting Neutered. The Dog Will Never Have Sex Again. Overnight, They've Turned Buddy From A Democrat Into A Republican.

I Guess You Heard, Hillary Clinton Has A New Campaign Slogan: "i've Fallen And I Can't Get Up!"

The Games Haven't Even Started Yet And Already There Are People Complaining About The Horrible Accommodations At The Sochi Olympic Village. Toilets Don't Flush. The Faucets Spew Discolored Water. They Say It's Like Being On A Royal Caribbean Cruise.

The Worst Thing About Losing This Job: I’m No Longer Covered By Nbc. I Have To Sign Up For Obamacare.

The Irs Says It's Been Getting Death Threats Since The Health Care Bill Passed Because The Irs Is Going To Be The Ones In Charge Of Implementing It. They Say The Threats People Are Making To The Irs Are So Bad, That They Are Actually Hindering The Irs's Ability To Threaten People.

Donald Trump Said He Will Not Decide About A Possible Run For The Presidency Until After The Current Season Of Celebrity Apprentice Wraps Up. Say What You Want About Trump, At Least This Guy Has His Priorities In Order. He Doesn't Want To Let Actual Reality Get In The Way Of His Reality Show.

Rick Perry Told Reporters This Week That He Has A Permit To Carry A Concealed Handgun. He Also Has A Concealed Vocabulary, Concealed Knowledge Of The Issues, Concealed Tolerance.

Congratulations To Mexico. They Upset Brazil To Win A Gold Medal In Men's Soccer. And After The Olympics Ended, The Mexican Soccer Team, Of Course, Returned Home To Their Houses Here In Los Angeles.

If You Don't Want Your Dog To Have Bad Breath, Do What I Do: Pour A Little Lavoris In The Toilet.

If Any Job Should Give You A Company Car, It's The Car Bomb Business.

It Looks Like President Obama Has A New Campaign Slogan: 'yes I Did.'

A Congressman Actually Apologized To Bp's Ceo For The Way The Company Has Been Treated. How Stupid Are You When The Ceo Of Bp Is In The Room And People Think You're The Moron?

President Bush Spoke With The Amish. He Didn't Want To, But It Was The Only Group He Could Find That Wasn't Upset About The High Price Of Gas.

More Warnings Issued By All Branches Of The Government Today That Another Terrorist Attack Is Imminent. We're Not Sure When, We're Not Sure Where, Just That It Is Coming. Who Is Attacking Us Now, The Cable Company?

Before We Give The Government Any More Money, Show Us Some Receipts.

Authorities In New York City Have Foiled A Plot By Terrorists To Blow Up The Holland Tunnel. There Was One Awkward Moment When Officials Informed President Bush The Holland Tunnel Was Safe. Bush Then Thanked The Dutch Authorities For All Their Help.

The Liberals Are Asking Us To Give Obama Time. We Agree...and Think 25 To Life Would Be Appropriate.

With Hurricanes, Tornados, Fires Out Of Control, Mud Slides, Flooding, Severe Thunderstorms Tearing Up The Country From One End To Another, And With The Threat Of Bird Flu And Terrorist Attacks, "are We Sure This Is A Good Time To Take God Out Of The Pledge Of Allegiance?

Now See, A Lot Of Critics Are Saying Arnold Can't Get Elected Because He's Just An Ambitious Guy With A Famous Name, Who Doesn't Know Anything About Running The Government. Didn't Hurt George Bush.

The Latest Issue Of Gq Magazine, John Kerry Talks About What A Man Should Look For In A Woman. Gq? If John Kerry Is Going To Talk About What He Likes In A Woman, Shouldn't It Be In Fortune Or Money Magazine?

Men Are Liars. We Lie About Lying If We Have To.

A Review Of Studies By Physicians Found That Excessive Exercise Is Bad For Your Heart. Another Study Says A Daily Serving Of Chocolate Is Actually Good For Your Heart. That's Got To Make Next Year New Year's Resolution Easier To Keep. "i'm Going To Exercise Less. Eat A Little More Chocolate.

There's This Huge Controversy Over The Fact That President Bush Apparently Received Credit For National Guard Service In Alabama In '72 And '73 Even Though His Commanding Officers Are Saying He Never Reported. I Think What's Even More Disturbing Is That He Received Enough Credits To Graduate From Yale.

The White House Is Defending President Obama's Sports Activities Over The Past Week, Saying That Everyone Needs Leisure Time. Thanks To These Economic Policies, 9.5 Percent Of Americans Have All The Leisure Time They Need.

President Bush Released His Tax Returns Yesterday. He Listed The Economy As A Liability. He Gets To Write That Off.

You Know, It Shows How Old I Am. I Can Remember The Good Old Days When The President Picked The Supreme Court Justices Instead Of The Other Way Around.

Republicans Are Always Criticizing President Obama For Using The Teleprompter. Is That A Big Deal? After Eight Years Of George Bush, I'm Glad We Have A President That Can Read.

President Obama Was In India Yesterday Visiting Our Jobs. Tomorrow He Goes To China To Visit Our Money.

If I Could Ask Ken Lay One Question Right Now, Do You Know What It Would Be? "does The Devil Really Wear Prada?"

The Nation's Largest Savings And Loan, Washington Mutual, Has Become The Biggest Bank Failure In History. See, The Problem With The Savings And Loans? Not Enough Savings, Too Many Stupid Loans, Okay In Fact, They Changed Their Name From Wamu To 'screw You.'

The Washington Bullets Are Changing Their Name. They Don't Want Their Team To Be Associated With Crime. From Now On, They'll Just Be Known As The Bullets.

Thanksgiving, When The Indians Said, "well, This Has Been Fun, But We Know You Have A Long Voyage Back To England".

Saddam Hussein Has Raised The Amount Going To Suicide Bombers From $10 Thousand Dollars To $25 Thousand. What's Next, A Health Care Plan?

Scientists Believe That Monkeys Can Be Taught To Think, Lie And Even Play Politics Within Their Community. If We Can Just Teach Them To Cheat On Their Wives We Can Save Millions On Congressional Salaries.

Barack Obama Said Yesterday That The Economy Was 'going To Get Worse Before It Gets Better.' See, That's When You Know The Campaign Is Really Over. Remember Before The Election? 'the Audacity Of Hope!' 'yes, We Can!' 'a Change We Can Believe In!' Now It's, 'we're All Screwed.'

Wikipedia Was Offline After An Overheating Problem At One Of Its Data Centers. It Was Pretty Bad. For A While There, People Had Nowhere To Go For Phony, Inaccurate Information.

There Is A Penalty For Trying To Knock Down A Cockpit Door, But It's The People Who Try To Go From Coach To 1st Class They Really Beat Up.

John Kerry's Victory Over Howard Dean Has Completely Changed The Presidential Race Around. Now Instead Of The Rich White Guy From Yale Who Lives In The White House Facing Off Against The Rich White Guy From Yale Who Lives In Vermont, He May Have To Face The Rich White Guy From Yale Who Lives In Massachusetts. It's A Whole Different Game.

Enron's President, Ken Lay, Passed Away Last Week. So, I Guess Even God Lost Money On That Enron Deal. I Believe The Official Cause Of Death Was Listed As "karma." The Family Asked In Lieu Of Flowers, Please Send Some Elderly Retiree's Entire Life Savings.

Have You Noticed How The Republicans And Democrats Try To Copy Each Other At Their Conventions. Like At The Democratic Convention John Kerry's Daughter Told A Story About How He Once Gave Cpr To Her Hamster. At The Republican Convention The Bush Girls Are Going To Tell A Story About How When Their Hamster Was Bad, Their Dad Built Them A Little Electric Chair.

You Know, Something Like 90 People Who Have Now Filed To Run For Governor In This Recall Election. They Say There Could Be As Many As 200 People On The Ballot. You Know, It's Really Easy To Run Here In California. All You Need Is Like A Couple Of Signatures, Not Many, Thirty-five Hundred Bucks, You're On The Ballot, Like That. I Mean, What Does It Say About California? We Have Stricter Requirements To Get On 'american Idol' Than We Do To Run For Governor.

American Forces In Iraq Found $650 Million In American Cash Sealed In A Hidden Cottage. See, This Is Why President Bush Wants To Invade Iraq, The Whole Place Is Oil And Cash. It's Like Republican Disneyland.

Joe Biden Once Again Denied Stories That He Will Be Replaced On The Ticket In 2012. He Says He Will Continue To Embarrass President Obama For Another Four Years.

Don't Forget Mother's Day. Or As They Call It In Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld Said This Week There's A Good Chance We Never Get Bin Laden. Bin Laden! We Couldn't Even Get O.j.!

Like In [the 1950s] If You Wanted To Ruin Someone´s Career In Hollywood You Claimed He Was A Communist. Nowadays, You Want To Ruin Someone´s Career In Hollywood, You Claim They Are Republican.

A New Poll Says That If The Election Were Held Today, Both John Kerry And John Edwards Would Beat President Bush By Double Digit Margins. The White House Is So Worried About This, They're Now Thinking Of Moving Up The Capture Of Osama Bin Laden To Next Month.

Diet Coke With Lemon - Didn't That Used To Be Called Pledge?

Did You Hear That We're Writing Iraq's New Constitution? Why Not Just Give Them Ours? We're Not Using It Anymore.

As You May Have Heard, The U.s. Is Putting Together A Constitution For Iraq. Why Don't We Just Give Them Ours? Think About It - It Was Written By Very Smart People, It's Served Us Well For Over Two Hundred Years, And Besides, We're Not Using It Anymore.

(gray) Davis Said Yesterday That He Is Going To Fight Like A Bengal Tiger, Which I Believe Is Also An Endangered Species.

A Hiker Who Was Lost In A Blizzard Said He Stayed Alive By Digging A Snow Tunnel And Burning Dollar Bills For Warmth. Today He Was Offered A Job As President Obama's Economic Adviser.

A New Study Shows That The Child Population In San Francisco Is Dwindling And In Fact San Francisco Has The Smallest Share Of Children Of Any Major City In The United States. That's Odd, Huh? For Some Reason Couples In San Francisco Don't Seem To Be Reproducing As Much As Couples In Other Cities. Gee, I Wonder What The Problem Is There? You Think It Might Be Something In The Rice-a-roni?

I Guess We Didn't Even Officially Apologize. Jesse Jackson Called On The United States To Officially Apologize To The Chinese. Jesse Said, 'an Apology Is Not A Sign Of Weakness.' And As President Clinton Has Taught Us, An Apology Isn't Even A Sign You're Sorry.

You Can't Stay Mad At Somebody Who Makes You Laugh.

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