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More And More Details Coming Out Now About Spoiled Rich Kid Osama Bin Laden. Time Reports This Week He Was One Of 52 Kids. Mother Must Be Exhausted. This Guy Inherited $80 Million At Age 13 And Has Since Expanded It To $300 Million Through Construction, Smart Investments And Gas And Oil Investments. This Way, He Can Use The Money In His War Against Capitalism.

-Jay Leno

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Jay Leno

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More And More Details Coming Out Now About Spoiled Rich Kid Osama Bin Laden. Time Reports This Week He Was One Of 52 Kids. Mother Must Be Exhausted. This Guy Inherited $80 Million At Age 13 And Has Since Expanded It To $300 Million Through Construction, Smart Investments And Gas And Oil Investments. This Way, He Can Use The Money In His War Against Capitalism.

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Cigarette Smoke

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Elected Officials

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Osama Bin Laden

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Approval Rating

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Osama Bin Laden

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Congratulations

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If God Had Wanted Us To Vote, He Would Have Given Us Candidates.

Political Wisdom

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A Fitness Instructor In Maine Has Been Charged With Running A Prostitution Business Out Of Her Zumba Dance Studio. Authorities First Got Suspicious When They Saw Guys Going To Work Out At A Zumba Dance Studio.

It Seems That Researchers At Colorado University Say Wine May Help People Lose Weight. It's Not The Wine Directly That Causes The Weight Loss, It's All The Walking Around You Do Trying To Find Your Car.

It Really Kind Of Looks Like Now That John Kerry Is On His Way To The Presidential Nomination. The Only Thing That Can Sink John Kerry Now Is An Al Gore Endorsement.

Never Perform For Your Family. They Either Laugh Too Hard Or Not At All.

The Longest-serving Republican Senator, Alaska's Ted Stevens, Found Guilty Just A Few Hours Ago On All Charges In His Corruption Trial. Do You Know This Story? He Failed To Report He Had Some Work Done On His House. Yeah, Here's The Bad Part. You Know Who Did The Work? Joe The Plumber. Unlicensed.

Denmark Is Charging A Fat Food Tax On Cheese, Meat, And Oil. Here, We Call That The Denny's Grand Slam Breakfast.

Elections In L.a. Are So Different. Here You've Got Politicians With Phony Smiles Making False Promises To Voters With Fake Boobs And Bad Toupees.

We Live In What's Called An Open Society, Which Of Course Means They Open Our Emails, Open Our Phone Records, And Open Our Medical Records.

The Senate Voted 97-0 For An Anti-spam Bill To Stop Those Annoying Things You Get On Your Computer. The Senators Made It Very Clear That When You Start Misleading The American People And Start Taking Their Money Over False Promises, That's Our Turf, Buddy!

Gas Stations Are Considering Hiring Security Guards. Why Are They Getting Security Guards? We're The Ones Getting Robbed.

Security Guards

Michele Bachmann Said That If She Is Elected President, She Would Consider Eliminating The Department Of Education Because "the States Could Do A Gooder Job.

Folks, We're Starting To Learn More And More About That Man Arrested In The New York Suv Car Bombing Case. His Name Is Faisal Shahzad. He's From Pakistan. What Tipped Off The Authorities He Might Be The Bomber? His Name Is Faisal Shahzad. He's From Pakistan.

American Forces In Iraq Found $650 Million In American Cash Sealed In A Hidden Cottage. See, This Is Why President Bush Wants To Invade Iraq, The Whole Place Is Oil And Cash. It's Like Republican Disneyland.

U.n. Officials Said Today They Desperately Need $7 Billion To Help People Cope With Disasters, But They're Having A Hard Time Getting People To Send Rescue Money. Here's What The Un Should Do: Invest In Bad Mortgages, Run A Bank Into The Ground, Give Yourself A Bonus, Get Some Spa Treatments And, In No Time, The Government Will Send You $750 Billion.

Congratulations To The Italian People For Winning The World Cup. ... They Won After France's Best Player Got Ejected For Head Butting. That's The Closest Anyone In A French Uniform Has Come To Combat In 60 Years.

Congratulations

John Kerry And Ralph Nader Met Face-to-face, It Was A Historic Meeting. Astronomers Said Today Their Meeting Actually Created What Is Called A 'charisma Black Hole.'

President Obama And House Speaker John Boehner Have Agreed To Play A Round Of Golf Together. Imagine The Two Of Them At The End Of That Golf Game? Boehner Will Be Crying Over His Score And Obama Will Be Giving Three Explanations As To Why His Score Is Actually Better Than It Appears.

The Best Way To Ruin A Comedy Is To Throw A Lot Of Money At It.

Tonight Was The Cnn Primary Debate With The Four Remaining Candidates. It Was Kind Of A Change For Newt Gingrich. Usually When He's Arguing With Three People At Once, It's His Wife, His Ex-wife, And His Mistress.

The Stock Market Was Down Today. Two Major Businesses Declared Bankruptcy, Consumer Spending Is At An All Time Low - In Other Words, Bush Is Back On The Job.

With Hurricanes, Tornados, Fires Out Of Control, Mud Slides, Flooding, Severe Thunderstorms Tearing Up The Country From One End To Another, And With The Threat Of Bird Flu And Terrorist Attacks, "are We Sure This Is A Good Time To Take God Out Of The Pledge Of Allegiance?

I Flew This Past Weekend. I Went Through Airport Security And Said To The Guy, 'is Everything Okay?' He Said, 'you Might Want To Have That Mole On Your Ass Checked Out.' That Seems A Little Personal To Me.

The United States Military Is Now Using The Music Of Metallica And Other Heavy Metal Bands To Break The Will Of Saddam Hussein Supporters To Get Them To Talk. Theyre Blaring Heavy Metal Music At Them. That Should Make The Artist Feel Pretty Good, Huh? Put Your Heart And Soul Into Your Last Cd And The Army Is Using It To Torture People.

According To A New Study, Botox Injections Can Help Back Pain. So You See, That's Why John Kerry Had All That Botox - His Back Was Killing Him From All That Flip-flopping On Issues.

According To The Washington Post, The Nsa Has Been Monitoring Phone Calls And Emails Of People In Mexico. So Apparently It's Not Enough To Spy On American Citizens, They Feel They Have To Spy On Future American Citizens As Well.

Political Analysts Say That President Bush's Re-election Strategy Is To Try And Convince Americans That He's A War President. I Don't Get That, Do You Think That'll Work? I Mean, Don't You Think That If He Tries To Convince The American People That We Need A War President, Isn't He Afraid That They're Going To Vote For The Guy That Was Actually In A War?

You Know What They Say When A Supermodel Gets Pregnant? Now She's Eating For One.

Funny Inspirational

The Circus Doesn't Stop. A Federal Appeals Court Has Postponed The Recall Election. How Stupid Are We? Even Our Recalls Get Recalled.

Well, 'don't Ask, Don't Tell' Is Back - Not For Gays In The Military. It's President Obama's New Policy For Questions About Libya. Don't Ask, Don't Tell.

Playboy Magazine Is Now Doing A 'women Of Enron' Pictorial Spread. ... Apparently The Only Thing These Women Have Left To Shred Is Their Dignity.

A Woman In Great Britain Has Died After Being Hit In The Back Of The Head By A Golf Ball, On The First Hole. Her Husband Was So Distraught, He Only Played The Front Nine.

When They Said "make Love, Not War" At Woodstock, They Never Imagined That One Would Become As Dangerous As The Other.

Major Heat Wave In India - 122 Degrees Today. It Was So Hot People In India Were Sweating Like Americans Waiting To Hear If Their Job Is Being Outsourced To India.

Bob Dole Revealed He Is One Of The Test Subjects For Viagra. He Said On Larry King, 'i Wish I Had Bought Stock In It.' Only A Republican Would Think The Best Part Of Viagra Is The Fact That You Could Make Money Off Of It.

According To A New Survey, 90% Of Men Say Their Lover Is Also Their Best Friend. Which Is Really Kind Of Disturbing When You Consider Man's Best Friend Is His Dog.

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