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On 'meet The Press' Yesterday President Bush Was Asked What He Would Do If He Lost The Election And Bush Said, ''phhh, You Mean Like Last Time?'

-Jay Leno

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On 'meet The Press'

Jay Leno

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On 'meet The Press' Yesterday President Bush Was Asked What He Would Do If He Lost The Election And Bush Said, ''phhh, You Mean Like Last Time?'

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Clinton's Pet Labrador, Buddy, Is Getting Neutered. The Dog Will Never Have Sex Again. Overnight, They've Turned Buddy From A Democrat Into A Republican.

An Evangelical Minister Has Had To Resign After Pictures Surfaced Showing Him In A Hot Tub With Two Women. He Claimed It Was Just A Baptism Gone Terribly Wrong.

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President Obama’s Approval Ratings Are So Low Now, Kenyans Are Accusing Him Of Being Born In The United States.

Approval Rating

To Give You An Idea How Bad The American Economy Is, Mexico Is Now Calling For A Fence Along The Border. Stay On Your Side!

Democratic Presidential Candidate John Kerry Came Down Pretty Hard On Fellow Candidate Howard Dean This Weekend. After Dean Misspoke Several Times, Kerry Said You Can't Misspeak 15 Times In A Week And Be President. And Bush Said, 'you Can't'?

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Today The United States Has Admitted That After Months And Months Of Searching, We Still Have No Idea Where Osama Bin Laden Is. Osama Bin Laden? We Can't Even Find Kenneth Lay.

President Bush Fell Off His Mountain Bike Down On His Ranch In Texas. A Couple Weeks Ago, John Kerry Fell Off His Bicycle. See, Doesn't This Make You Miss President Clinton? That Guy, He Could Ride Anything Without Falling Off.

For The First Time In History, Sex Is More Dangerous Than The Cigarette Afterward.

Cigarette Smoke

President Obama Said He Is Going To Use The Gulf Disaster To Push A New Energy Bill Through Congress. How About Using The Gulf Disaster To Fix The Gulf Disaster?

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Texas Gov. Rick Perry Referred To The Mexican City Of Juarez As The Most Dangerous City In America. In His Defense, He Probably Just Thought It Was An American City Because There Were So Many Mexicans There.

President Bush Stopped Off At A Bass Pro Fishing Store To Pick Up A Fishing Reel, Some Line And Some Rubber Worms. He's Going To Disappear And Go Fishing. So He Must Think He's Back In The National Guard.

The Supreme Court Has Ruled That They Cannot Have A Nativity Scene In Washington, D.c. This Wasn't For Any Religious Reasons. They Couldn't Find Three Wise Men And A Virgin.

A New Poll Shows That Americans Now Believe That Bill Clinton Is More Honest Than President Bush. At Least When Clinton Screwed The Nation, He Did It One Person At A Time.

Last Night I Went Out For Chinese. I Picked Up A Team Usa Olympic Uniform.

An Israeli Man's Life Was Saved When He Was Given A Palestinian Man's Heart In A Heart Transplant Operation. The Guy Is Doing Fine, But The Bad News Is, He Can't Stop Throwing Rocks At Himself.

So, It's Pretty Crazy. Look, We're Bailing Out Wall Street, We're Bailing Out Banks, We're Bailing Out Car Companies. In Fact, Did You Know There's A Special Box On Your Tax Form This Year You Can Check If You Want A Portion Of Your Taxes To Actually Go To Running The Government?

A New Study Finds That Women Use Their Whole Brain When Listening And Men Only Use Half Of Their Brain. You See, Men Use The Other Half Of Their Brain To Come Up With Excuses. I Don't Think Women Use Their Whole Brain When Listening. I Think They Use Half Of It And The Other Half Is Used To Memorize What Men Are Saying So They Can Use It Against Them 10 Years Later!

In Greece, The Unemployment Rate Has Risen To 22%. The Solution To The Problem Was To Raise Taxes On The Rich, According To The Greek President Barack Obama-opolis.

It Really Kind Of Looks Like Now That John Kerry Is On His Way To The Presidential Nomination. The Only Thing That Can Sink John Kerry Now Is An Al Gore Endorsement.

Folks, We're Starting To Learn More And More About That Man Arrested In The New York Suv Car Bombing Case. His Name Is Faisal Shahzad. He's From Pakistan. What Tipped Off The Authorities He Might Be The Bomber? His Name Is Faisal Shahzad. He's From Pakistan.

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Hey, Barack Obama Had To Give Up His Blackberry. He's The First Wired President. ... He Might Have To Give His Blackberry Because Of Security Reasons. Because They're Easy To Hack Into. In Fact, When Obama Heard He Might Have To Give It Up, He Said, 'omg! Wtf?' I Mean, He Couldn't Believe It.

Oil Prices Jumped To Well Over $100 A Barrel, And Analysts Say It's Due To Tension In The Middle East. So, Luckily, It's Just A Temporary Thing.

Did You Hear That We're Writing Iraq's New Constitution? Why Not Just Give Them Ours? We're Not Using It Anymore.

This Tony Haywire Guy, Whatever His Name Is, He Told The Bbc On Sunday That He Believes The New Oil Cap That They've Installed Will Eventually Capture The Vast Majority Of Oil Spewing From The Well. You Know, If They Could Capture Half The Bs Spewing From Tony Hayward, People Would Be Thrilled.

Two Americans Have Been Awarded The Nobel Prize For Economics. They Are The First To Figure Out All The Charges On Their Telephone Bill.

The White House Has Now Released Military Documents That They Say Prove George Bush Met His Requirements For The National Guard. Big Deal, We've Got Documents That Prove Al Gore Won The Election.

For Some Reason, The Secret Service Revealed This, That Sarah Palin's Secret Service Code Name Is 'denali.' Turns Out 'denali' Is An Old Eskimo Name That Means 'dan Quayle.'

As If This Whole Thing Isn't Confusing Enough, Election Officials Announced This Week That The Alphabet On The Ballot Will Begin With The Letter R, Then W, Then Q. You Know, Even Sesame Street Is Laughing At California Now.

As Miss America, My Goal Is To Bring Peace To The Entire World And Then Get My Own Apartment.

I Don't Know Why People Are Surprised The French Don't Want To Help Us Get Saddam Out Of Iraq. After All, France Wouldn't Help Us Get The Germans Out Of France.

If Politicians All Told The Truth, We'd Be Out Of Business.

Vice President Cheney Is Also On Vacation. He's In Jackson Hole, Wyoming. What Better Place For A Guy Who Has Had 4 Heart Attacks Than A Place With Thin Air, Rugged Hiking And All-beef Dinners? Why Don't They Get Some Snow For Him To Shovel While He's Out There, Too?

In A Speech Earlier Today President Bush Said If Iraq Gets Rid Of Saddam Hussein, He Will Help The Iraqi People With Food, Medicine, Supplies, Housing, Education - Anything That's Needed. Isn't That Amazing? He Finally Comes Up With A Domestic Agenda - And It's For Iraq. Maybe We Could Bring That Here If It Works Out.

Ratings For The Xfl Are So Low That Pretty Soon They'll Be Able To Address The Viewers By Name.

North Korea Is Now Threatening The United States With All-out War. You Can See They're Stepping It Up. In Fact, They Released 10 More Photos Of Kim Jong Un Looking Through Binoculars.

Real Movement In The Kerry Campaign Now. His Poll Numbers Are Moving, Donations Are Moving, Endorsements Are Moving. The Only Thing Not Moving Is His Hair.

The Environmental Protection Agency Is Conducting A Seven-hundred-thousand-dollar Study To See If Alaskan Trees Are Polluting Oregon Forests. You Can Tell Republicans Are In Power. Pollution? It's Those Damn Trees.

A Top Geneticist At Stanford Says Human Intelligence Is Declining. You Know What That Means? We Are Seeing Congress At Its Smartest And Most Effective Right Now.

While Visiting Kenya, Former President Clinton Was Offered 40 Goats And 20 Cows For His Daughter, Chelsea, By A Love Struck Government Official. Bill Said, "no Way!" How Does That Make Hillary Feel? Bill Almost Gave Her Up For One Cow.

Political Analysts Say That President Bush's Re-election Strategy Is To Try And Convince Americans That He's A War President. I Don't Get That, Do You Think That'll Work? I Mean, Don't You Think That If He Tries To Convince The American People That We Need A War President, Isn't He Afraid That They're Going To Vote For The Guy That Was Actually In A War?

President Obama Said In An Interview Over The Weekend That He Really Misses Being Anonymous. He Said, 'i Miss Saturday Mornings Rolling Out Of Bed And Not Shaving, Going To The Market...' Be Careful What You Wish For, 2012 Is Just Around The Corner!

The Big Rumor Going Around Is, We May Begin Bombing Iraq. Or, As The White House Calls It, Operation Keep Enron Off The Front Page.

Those Two Pilots That Sped 150 Miles Past Their Minneapolis Destination Have Been Suspended. They Got Suspended Because They Were Looking At Their Laptops Instead Of Flying The Plane. Think About This -- Everybody Else On The Plane Has To Turn Off Their Laptops Except For The People Flying The Plane.

John Kerry Accused President Bush Of Catering To The Rich. You Know, As Opposed To John Kerry Who Just Marries Them.

Is It Me Or Is President Bush's Life Starting To Sound Like A Country Song. He's From Texas, His Dog Just Died, And It Looks Like He Might Lose His Job. Next Thing, His Truck Is Going To Break Down.

George W. Bush Says He Spends Sixty To Ninety Minutes A Day Working Out. He Says He Works Out Because It Clears His Mind. Sometimes Just A Little Too Much.

As You May Have Heard, Former President Bill Clinton Says He's Coming Here To California To Help Governor Gray Davis In His Recall Election Campaign. Which Is Ironic, Isn't It? When Clinton Was President, He Couldn't Recall Anything.

Sixty Years Ago This Week Hitler Invaded Poland. This Led To The Creation Of The History Channel.

Gray Davis Got Some Good News This Week: The Clintons Are Out Here In California Campaigning For Him. Actually, Hillary Is Campaigning For Davis, Bill Is Out Here For Larry Flynt.

Enron's President, Ken Lay, Passed Away Last Week. So, I Guess Even God Lost Money On That Enron Deal. I Believe The Official Cause Of Death Was Listed As "karma." The Family Asked In Lieu Of Flowers, Please Send Some Elderly Retiree's Entire Life Savings.

Con Artists Are Using Obamacare Confusion To Sign People Up For Fake Health Insurance. The Scammers Lure Victims With False Promises Like, 'if You Like Your Healthcare Plan, You Can Keep Your Healthcare Plan.' The Scammers Will Tell You That, So You Have To Be Careful.

President Bush Earned $400,000 For His Job As President Last Year. That's Not Really That Much For Being President When You Think About It. But President Bush, He Doesn't Do It For The Money, He Does It For The Eight Months Of Vacation Every Year.

Rick Perry Told Reporters This Week That He Has A Permit To Carry A Concealed Handgun. He Also Has A Concealed Vocabulary, Concealed Knowledge Of The Issues, Concealed Tolerance.

The Good News Is, President Obama Was Born In America. The Bad News Is, So Was Donald Trump.

Over In Iraq After You Vote They Paint Your Finger Purple So You Can't Vote Again. It's A Flawless System. It Works Perfectly Unless, Of Course, Someone Has Paint Remover.

Hillary Clinton Is Getting A Little Bit Of Controversy Because She Has The Most Expensive Hometown Office Rent - Over $500,000 A Year. She's In A One-year Lease In The Office, As Opposed To Her Marriage, Which Is On A Month-to-month.

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