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The Democratic Convention Is $27 Million In Debt. They Had To Cancel The Kick-off Event At The Charlotte Motor Speedway. A Speedway Is The Perfect Place For The Democratic Convention. You Go Around In Circles, Turn Left Every Few Seconds, And You End Up Right Where You Started.

-Jay Leno

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The Democratic Convention Is

Jay Leno

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The Democratic Convention Is $27 Million In Debt. They Had To Cancel The Kick-off Event At The Charlotte Motor Speedway. A Speedway Is The Perfect Place For The Democratic Convention. You Go Around In Circles, Turn Left Every Few Seconds, And You End Up Right Where You Started.

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Congratulations

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But The Good News, The Crime Rate Is Down. Isn't That Amazing? Less Banks Are Being Robbed. Well, Sure. A, There's Less Banks. B, The Banks Don't Have Any Money Left. And C, Nobody's Got Gas Money For The Getaway Car. So, Right There, Crime Is Down!

I Went To See That Movie 'from Hell,' Or As Osama Bin Laden Calls It - 'roots.'

Osama Bin Laden

If You're A Gunfighter, You Like To Die In The Street.

I'm Trying To Sum Up President Obama's First 11 Months In Office. He Gave Billions To Wall Street, Cracked Down On Illegal Immigrants Getting Health Care, And He's Sending 30,000 More Troops To Afghanistan. You Know Something, He May Go Down In History As Our Greatest Republican President Ever.

Al Gore Is Coming Out With A Movie About Global Warming Called ' An Inconvenient Truth. ' It's Described As A Detailed Scientific View Of Global Warming. President Bush Said He Just Saw A Film About Global Warming, 'ice Age 2; The Meltdown.' He Said, 'it's So Much Better Than That Boring Al Gore Movie.'

John Kerry Said Today That He Wants To Get Rid Of Tax Cuts For The Rich And His Wife Said, 'hey, Shut Up! What's The Matter With You?! Are You Nuts?!'

I Tried To Log On To The Obamacare Website Today. I Don't Think I'm Doing It Right. I Lost 300 Bucks Playing Texas Hold 'em.

Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton Is Now Facing A Kind Of Personal Dilemma. She Can't Decide Whether To Drop The Name Clinton From Her Name, Or Drop The Name Rodham. They Can't Figure Out Which One Is More Embarrassing.

Bp Ceo Tony Hayward Said He Would Just Like To Get His Life Back. He Wants To Get His Life Back. You Know, I Say Give Him Life Plus 20.

According To The Washington Post, The Nsa Has Been Monitoring Phone Calls And Emails Of People In Mexico. So Apparently It's Not Enough To Spy On American Citizens, They Feel They Have To Spy On Future American Citizens As Well.

We've Got The Government Shutdown, But The Beginning Of Obamacare. You Know What That Means? You Can Now Complain To Your Doctor About The Government Making You Sick.

A New Poll Shows That Americans Now Believe That Bill Clinton Is More Honest Than President Bush. At Least When Clinton Screwed The Nation, He Did It One Person At A Time.

One Critic In The L.a. Times Said John Kerry Looks Like He Is Thinking Too Much. Well This Is One Place President Bush Has Him Beat.

The United States Have Developed A New Weapon That Destroys People But It Leaves Buildings Standing. It's Called The Stock Market.

President Bush's Campaign Is Now Attacking John Kerry For Throwing Away Some Of His Medals To Protest The Vietnam War. Bush Did Not Have Any Medals To Throw Away, But In His Defense He Did Have All His Services Records Thrown Out.

The Secret Service Has Announced It Is Doubling Its Protection For John Kerry. You Can Understand Why - With Two Positions On Every Issue, He Has Twice As Many People Mad At Him.

President Bush Stopped Off At A Bass Pro Fishing Store To Pick Up A Fishing Reel, Some Line And Some Rubber Worms. He's Going To Disappear And Go Fishing. So He Must Think He's Back In The National Guard.

They Determined Who Got The First Question By A Coin Toss, To Which Sarah Palin Said, 'oh, What A Coincidence, That's How I Got Picked.'

U.n. Officials Said Today They Desperately Need $7 Billion To Help People Cope With Disasters, But They're Having A Hard Time Getting People To Send Rescue Money. Here's What The Un Should Do: Invest In Bad Mortgages, Run A Bank Into The Ground, Give Yourself A Bonus, Get Some Spa Treatments And, In No Time, The Government Will Send You $750 Billion.

Political Experts Are Saying The Reason John Kerry Is Doing So Well Is Because He's 'electable.' Hey, So Was Al Gore - In Fact, He Even Got Elected And It Didn't Help Him At All.

In Business News, Chocolate Maker Nestle Is Buying Jenny Craig. Well, That Says It All You Need To Know About The War On Obesity, Doesn't It? It's Over! Apparently We Surrendered!

Oh, Here's Your Tax Dollars At Work. This Is What Makes People Furious. The Head Of The Gsa, A Woman Named Martha Johnson, Has Resigned After They Found Out She Spent Over $830,000 On A Four-day Government Conference In Las Vegas. And The President Is Furious. Not President Obama, The President Of China. It's His Money. It's His Money She Spent.

Researchers Found A Frog In New Guinea That Is So Tiny, They Believe It's The Smallest Vertebrate On The Planet. It Has The Tiniest Backbone Of Any Living Creature, Except Members Of Congress.

Did You See Walker's Father? 'my Son Loves America.' Yeah, Like O.j. Loved His Wife.

Saddam Hussein Has Raised The Amount Going To Suicide Bombers From $10 Thousand Dollars To $25 Thousand. What's Next, A Health Care Plan?

New Year's Eve, Where Auld Acquaintance Be Forgot. Unless, Of Course, Those Tests Come Back Positive.

You Could Do Anything In Your Room At College. You Could Smoke Pot, Live In A Coed Dorm, Have A Girl. But You Couldn't Have A . . . Hot Plate!

John Kerry's Wife Teresa Heinz Is On The Cover Of Newsweek Magazine This Week And They Said That If He Is Elected President, She Will Be The Oldest First Lady In American History. But That Doesn't Bother John Kerry, He Said, 'to Me, She Looks Like A Million Bucks'

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