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Scientists Believe That Monkeys Can Be Taught To Think, Lie And Even Play Politics Within Their Community. If We Can Just Teach Them To Cheat On Their Wives We Can Save Millions On Congressional Salaries.

-Jay Leno

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Scientists Believe That Monkeys

Jay Leno

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Scientists Believe That Monkeys Can Be Taught To Think, Lie And Even Play Politics Within Their Community. If We Can Just Teach Them To Cheat On Their Wives We Can Save Millions On Congressional Salaries.

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Approval Rating

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Security Guards

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Approval Rating

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Congratulations

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I Believe Engineers Will Save The World.

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President Bush Called Arnold To Congratulate Him Today, And After He Got Off The Phone, Arnold Said, 'i Thought My English Was Bad.'

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65% Of People Say That Cheating On Your Income Tax Is Worse Than Cheating On Your Spouse. The Other 35% Were Women.

Politics Is Just Show Business For Ugly People.

Enron's President, Ken Lay, Passed Away Last Week. So, I Guess Even God Lost Money On That Enron Deal. I Believe The Official Cause Of Death Was Listed As "karma." The Family Asked In Lieu Of Flowers, Please Send Some Elderly Retiree's Entire Life Savings.

Here At Work, Obviously, I Make The Most Money Of Anyone On The Show, So I Try To Be The First One Here And The Last One To Leave. I Have The Crummiest Office. I Try To Balance Things Out, Spread It Around.

In People Magazine, Madonna Said Her Life Has Been Exhausting Since She Started Her World Tour. She Said There Isn't A Second Of Her Life That Isn't Taken Up Looking After Her Family Or Thinking Of Her Show - Her Day Is Filled With Problems Of Work And Family. Someone Should Tell Her, Everyone Else Calls That, Life.

As You Know President Bush Has Been Traveling Around The Country Trying To Sell His New Social Security Plan. He Wants To Take Our Retirement Money And Invest It In The Stock Market. He Says Nothing Can Go Wrong. I'll Mention That To Martha Stewart The Next Time I See Her.

I've Never Understood Why Women Love Cats. Cats Are Independent, They Don't Listen, They Don't Come In When You Call, They Like To Stay Out All Night, And When They're Home They Like To Be Left Alone And Sleep. In Other Words, Every Quality That Women Hate In A Man, They Love In A Cat.

The Taliban Has Asked Osama Bin Laden To Voluntarily Leave The Country.they Said They Delivered Him A Note Asking Him To Leave, Which Is A Pretty Goodtrick Considering They Claim They Don't Even Know Where He Is.

Osama Bin Laden

What's Going On With The Oakland Raiders? You Know, I Don't Want To Say The Raiders Are Bad, But You Know, Now, A Lot Of Fans Are Painting Their Faces Just So They Won't Be Recognized.

"i Am Not Just Another Notch On Your Belt?" She Asked Him. "of Course Not." He Said As He Put A Mark On The Chalkboard.

Rumors Have Restarted That The Republican Ticket Will Not Be Bush-cheney. But Today Those Rumors Were Put To Rest When Cheney Said, 'no, I'm Keeping Him On The Ticket.'

Kerry Is Saying That Bush Never Showed Up For His National Guard Duty ... And Now Bush Is On The Attack. He's Accusing John Kerry Of Ducking Time In The National Guard By Hiding Out In The Jungles Of Vietnam.

There Is A New Book Out About Hillary Clinton That Claims Bill Is Still Having Affairs But Hillary Continues To Look The Other Way. The Only Problem Is When Hillary Does Look The Other Way Bill's Having Sex With A Women Over There Too.

Today Is Valentine's Day - Or, As Men Like To Call It, Extortion Day!

The Bush Administration Has Apparently Approved A Plan To Oust Saddam Hussein. I Think That's President Bush's Father's Day Gift To His Dad.

At A Press Conference Yesterday Nasa Announced That 2005 Was The Hottest Year On Record. It Is So Hot, And Global Warming Is So Bad, If The Presidential Election Were Held Today, Al Gore Would Still Lose.

Scientists Say They Have Developed A Car That Can Run On Water. The Only Catch Is, The Water Has To Come From The Gulf Of Mexico.

Statistics Show 50% Of The People Use The Internet. The Rest Have Sex With Real People.

Arnold Said This Is A Last Minute Attack By Democrats. How Did Arnold Know To Grope Only Democrats?

In His Speech Last Night, John Kerry Said This Was The Beginning Of The End Of The Bush Administration. I Agree. Sure, It May Take Another Five Years, But This Is It.

Your Preoccupation Should Be On Doing What You Do As Well As You Can.

Apparently, Osama Bin Laden Was Killed With Money And Phone Numbers Sewn Into His Clothing. So We Got Him Right Before He Left For Summer Camp.

For The First Time Ever, Overweight People Outnumber Average People In America. Doesn't That Make Overweight The Average Then? Last Month You Were Fat, Now You're Average - Hey, Let's Get A Pizza!

Regulations Force People To Do Better.

When They Said "make Love, Not War" At Woodstock, They Never Imagined That One Would Become As Dangerous As The Other.

With Hurricanes, Tornados, Fires Out Of Control, Mud Slides, Flooding, Severe Thunderstorms Tearing Up The Country From One End To Another, And With The Threat Of Bird Flu And Terrorist Attacks, "are We Sure This Is A Good Time To Take God Out Of The Pledge Of Allegiance?

Clinton Vetoed The Repeal Of The Marriage Tax. I Guess Bill Figures If He's Married, Then We All Have To Suffer.

A Survey Released Today Found That Men Spend Twice As Much On Their Mistresses For Christmas As They Do On Their Wives. On The Other Hand, Men Spend Half Their Income On The Wives When The Wife Finds Out About The Mistress. So It All Balances Out.

A Top Geneticist At Stanford Says Human Intelligence Is Declining. You Know What That Means? We Are Seeing Congress At Its Smartest And Most Effective Right Now.

I Was Born The Day I Got My License. When I Was A Kid, If I Wanted To Go Somewhere And See Things, You Have To Get In Your Car And Actually Go.

Tonight The Republican Presidential Candidates Had A Big Debate, 10 Candidates. The Last Time That Many Rich White Guys Got Together, I Think Exxon Merged With Mobil.

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