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Presidential Democratic Front-runner Howard Dean Admitted To Chris Matthews On The 'hardball' Show That He Got Out Of The Draft Because Of A Bad Back. He Had A Curvature Of The Spine. Apparently It Curved Too Far To The Left.

-Jay Leno

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Presidential Democratic Front-runner Howard

Jay Leno

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Presidential Democratic Front-runner Howard Dean Admitted To Chris Matthews On The 'hardball' Show That He Got Out Of The Draft Because Of A Bad Back. He Had A Curvature Of The Spine. Apparently It Curved Too Far To The Left.

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Is It Me Or Is President Bush's Life Starting To Sound Like A Country Song. He's From Texas, His Dog Just Died, And It Looks Like He Might Lose His Job. Next Thing, His Truck Is Going To Break Down.

My Stockbroker Asked Me Something Important Today: Paper Or Plastic?

As You Know, There Were Lots Of Huge Marches Around The Country Yesterday To Protest The Immigration Laws. The Marches Had Quite An Impact On Businesses. Restaurants Had To Close, Construction Sites Had To Shut Down, The Yankees Had To Forfeit A Game. ... Do You Realize That Americans Are Now Doing The Jobs That Immigrants Won't Do Because They're Out Protesting?

A Second Homeland Security Official Has Been Arrested, A 49-year-old Guy Named Frank Figueroa, He Was Caught Exposing And Fondling Himself To A Teenage Girl In A Shopping Mall In Florida. Do You Realize? If Osama Bin Laden Was A 14-year Old Girl, We Would Have Had Him By Now. ... Who Is Going To Start Protecting Us From The Department Of Homeland Security? ... It Kind Of Makes You Long For The Good Old Wholesome Days Of The Clinton Administration.

Apparently, Osama Bin Laden Was Killed With Money And Phone Numbers Sewn Into His Clothing. So We Got Him Right Before He Left For Summer Camp.

In A New Issue Of Esquire Magazine, They Revealed That Before He Was Married To Teresa Heinz, Senator John Kerry Dated Morgan Fairchild, Michelle Phillips, Catherine Oxenberg And Dana Delany. Finally A Democratic Presidential Candidate With Good Taste In Women.

Barack Obama's Mother-in-law Might Be Moving Into The White House With Him. Joe Biden Was Right. Hostile Forces Will Test Him In The First Few Months.

Experts Are Saying That President Bush's Goal Now Is To Politically Humiliate Saddam Hussein. Why Don't We Just Make Him The Next Democratic Presidential Nominee?

When A Candidate Walks Away From A Reality Show, That's When You Know They're Serious About Being President Of The United States.

The United States Military Is Now Using The Music Of Metallica And Other Heavy Metal Bands To Break The Will Of Saddam Hussein Supporters To Get Them To Talk. Theyre Blaring Heavy Metal Music At Them. That Should Make The Artist Feel Pretty Good, Huh? Put Your Heart And Soul Into Your Last Cd And The Army Is Using It To Torture People.

President Bush Earned $400,000 For His Job As President Last Year. That's Not Really That Much For Being President When You Think About It. But President Bush, He Doesn't Do It For The Money, He Does It For The Eight Months Of Vacation Every Year.

L.a.'s Large Convenience Stores Are So Big They Can Accommodate Up To Twenty Armed Robbers At One Time.

Donald Trump Says That He Will Not Run For President. You Know Why? He Can't Find His Birth Certificate.

A New Medical Study Reports That Men Who Eat Ten Pizzas A Week Are Less Likely To Develop Prostate Problems At Age 50. That's Because They Are Usually Dead By Age 40.

You Know What Ken Lay Had For Breakfast This Morning? Shredded Wheat.

Texas Governor Rick Perry Now Says His Wife Has Been Encouraging Him To Run For President. Remember First He Told Us God Told Him To Run; Now His Wife Is Telling Him To Run. Of Course, The Big Difference; If You Ignore What God Says You Don't Have To Hear About It Until The Afterlife. That's The Only Difference.

Chris Christie Has Officially Endorsed Mitt Romney For President. Christie Said President Obama Is 'shrinking The American Pie.' And Believe Me, If There's One Thing Christie Hates, It's A Small Pie.

While Visiting Kenya, Former President Clinton Was Offered 40 Goats And 20 Cows For His Daughter, Chelsea, By A Love Struck Government Official. Bill Said, "no Way!" How Does That Make Hillary Feel? Bill Almost Gave Her Up For One Cow.

A New Poll Says That If The Election Were Held Today, Both John Kerry And John Edwards Would Beat President Bush By Double Digit Margins. The White House Is So Worried About This, They're Now Thinking Of Moving Up The Capture Of Osama Bin Laden To Next Month.

First There's The Promise Ring, Then The Engagement Ring, Then The Wedding Ring... Soon After... Comes Suffer...ring!

A Democratic Congressman Said That He Worries That The Irs Scandal Might Have A Chilling Effect On The Ira And That They Might Be Afraid To Audit People. So Finally Some Good Is Coming Out Of All Of This.

I Guess We Didn't Even Officially Apologize. Jesse Jackson Called On The United States To Officially Apologize To The Chinese. Jesse Said, 'an Apology Is Not A Sign Of Weakness.' And As President Clinton Has Taught Us, An Apology Isn't Even A Sign You're Sorry.

The Healthcare Reform Bill Now Includes A Tanning Booth Tax Of 10 Percent. You Know What This Means? This Whole Thing Could Be Funded By The Cast Of 'jersey Shore.'

Healthcare Reform

Do You Know What White House Correspondents Call Actors Who Pose As Reporters? Anchors.

They Said These North Korean Missiles Had Enough Range To Hit Seattle, But Residents In Seattle Were Not Worried. Today Bill Gates Said Microsoft Has Enough Missiles To Destroy North Korea Ten Times Over.

Rick Perry Has Made So Many Gaffes Lately, It Is Hard To Tell If He's Running Against President Obama Or Joe Biden.

Gary Condit Is On The Congressional Committee For Homeland Security. They Make The Guy Responsible For Homeland Security Who Is The Guy No One Would Feel Secure Going Home With.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Made His Tax Returns Public, [and] Now There's A Problem About Him Stretching The Truth. Apparently Under Occupation He Put Down 'actor.'

Of Course With John Mccain Out Of The Race, George W. Bush Has To Pick A Running Mate. Which Is Kind Of A Scary Proposition When You Think About It. I Mean His Dad Picked Dan Quayle, An He Isn't As Smart As His Dad.

Texas Governor Rick Perry Said God Is Calling On Him To Run For President. But Michele Bachmann Said That God Is Calling On Her To Run For President. You Know, If God Is That Indecisive, He's Probably For Mitt Romney!

Have You Seen The Cover Of Newsweek? They Have Martha Stewart On The Cover, But It's Not Actually Martha. It's A Doctored Photo. They Put Martha's Head On A Slimmer Woman's Body. And Martha Was Very Upset About This. She Said, 'hey, If I Wanted My Face On Another Woman's Body, I'd Stay In Prison.'

President Obama Said He Plans On Training 10,000 New Math And Science Teachers. How About Teaching Math To That Economic Team Of His?

According To A New Study, Botox Injections Can Help Back Pain. So You See, That's Why John Kerry Had All That Botox - His Back Was Killing Him From All That Flip-flopping On Issues.

All Of Iraq's Oil Fields Are Under U.s. Control Which Is Ironic Considering All The Gas Stations Here Are Run By Middle Easterners.

If President Obama Really Wants To Hurt The Syrian Government, Don't Send Cruise Missiles. He Should Send Over Some Of His Economic Advisers.

They Had So Much Rain In New York That A Lot Of The Cabbies Had Their First Shower In Years.

Statistics Show 50% Of The People Use The Internet. The Rest Have Sex With Real People.

Actually, Joe Biden Looked Pretty Good. In Fact, Joe's Popularity Has Gone From 1% To 2% Last Week To 3% Today. At This Rate, He Could Win The Nomination By The Year 2032.

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