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In A New Issue Of Esquire Magazine, They Revealed That Before He Was Married To Teresa Heinz, Senator John Kerry Dated Morgan Fairchild, Michelle Phillips, Catherine Oxenberg And Dana Delany. Finally A Democratic Presidential Candidate With Good Taste In Women.

-Jay Leno

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In A New Issue

Jay Leno

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In A New Issue Of Esquire Magazine, They Revealed That Before He Was Married To Teresa Heinz, Senator John Kerry Dated Morgan Fairchild, Michelle Phillips, Catherine Oxenberg And Dana Delany. Finally A Democratic Presidential Candidate With Good Taste In Women.

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Osama Bin Laden

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Schwarzenegger Said Last Night On The Show He Expects His Opponents To Throw All Kinds Of Dirt At Him. And You Know, It's Started Already. Today, They Released The One Thing That Could Really Hurt Arnold. Turns Out He Once Starred In A Movie With Tom Arnold.

You Know What I'm Doing For Easter? I'm Gonna Be Hanging With My Peeps.

Attorney General John Ashcroft Has Been Hospitalized. I Believe He Is Suffering From Homophobia. No, Actually, It Was Just Gallstones, But When They Gave Him The Hospital Gown That Opens In The Back, He Refused To Wear It, He Thought It Was A Gay Wedding Dress.

If Politicians All Told The Truth, We'd Be Out Of Business.

Sarah Palin Has Admitted She Tried Marijuana Several Years Ago, But She Did Not Like It. She Said It Distorted Her Perceptions, Impaired Her Thinking, And She's Hoping That The Effects Will Eventually Wear Off.

The University Of Nebraska Says That Elderly People That Drink Beer Or Wine At Least Four Times A Week Have The Highest Bone Density. They Need It - They're The Ones Falling Down The Most.

President Obama’s Approval Ratings Are So Low Now, Kenyans Are Accusing Him Of Being Born In The United States.

Approval Rating

The Democratic Convention Is $27 Million In Debt. They Had To Cancel The Kick-off Event At The Charlotte Motor Speedway. A Speedway Is The Perfect Place For The Democratic Convention. You Go Around In Circles, Turn Left Every Few Seconds, And You End Up Right Where You Started.

I Believe Engineers Will Save The World.

65% Of People Say That Cheating On Your Income Tax Is Worse Than Cheating On Your Spouse. The Other 35% Were Women.

They Say That Most Airline Seats On Planes Today Are Meant For 170-pound Passengers. The Last Time The Average American Weighed 170 Pounds, The Wright Brothers Were Flying The Plane.

Not A Good Night For President Obama. He Lost Elections In Virginia, New Jersey, And He's Not Doing Good In Afghanistan Either.

Vice President Joe Biden Said Today That 'syria Must Be Held Accountable.' Unfortunately, The Obama Administration Has Never Employed An Accountant, So They Have No Idea How To Do That.

A New Poll Shows Only 3 Percent Strongly Approve Of The Job Congress Is Doing, With A Margin Of Error Of 4 Percent, So It's Possible That "less Than No One" Thinks They're Doing A Good Job.

California Governor Gray Davis Visited An Elementary School Here In Los Angeles Where He Taught A Class. I Don't Want To Say He Was Unpopular But The Kids Gave Him A Wedgie And Stuffed Him In A Locker.

Elections Officials Here In California Are Concerned That Having 247 Candidates Would Require A Ballot So Long It Would Be Difficult To Count. Today In Florida They Said, 'what? You Count The Ballots?'

You Know What The Bounty Is On Bin Laden? $25 Million. It Sounds Like A Lot Until You Realize The Texas Rangers Paid $250 Million To Get Alex Rodriguez.

While Visiting Kenya, Former President Clinton Was Offered 40 Goats And 20 Cows For His Daughter, Chelsea, By A Love Struck Government Official. Bill Said, "no Way!" How Does That Make Hillary Feel? Bill Almost Gave Her Up For One Cow.

Courtney Love Said She Once Escorted Kerry To A Concert. John Kerry Once Went Out With Courtney Love And He's Questioning Bush's Judgment.

Oscar Nominations Came Out Today. Up For Best Actor, Sean Penn For 'mystic River,' Jude Law For 'cold Mountain,' And Of Course, George W. Bush For 'iraqi Weapons Of Mass Destruction.'

Mass Destruction

Kerry Has Already Begun His Search For A Running Mate. They Say That Because John Edwards Still Has $50 Million In Campaign Money, Kerry Might Pick Him. Pick Him? Hey, For $50 Million, Kerry Will Marry Him.

According To Time Magazine, Global Warming Is 33% Worse Than We Thought. You Know What That Means? Al Gore Is One-third More Annoying Than We Thought.

In Spite Of The Poor Economy, Almost 70 Percent Of Americans Occasionally Splurge On Luxury Items -- Like A Blanket On A Plane, Or A Peanut.

People Made A Big Deal Out Of The Fact This Is The First Time A Sitting President Has Done A Late-night Show. We Tried To Have Other Presidents On, But President Bush Went To Bed Every Night At 9:00. And President Clinton Always Seemed To Have Other Late-night Plans.

President Bush Fell Off His Bicycle This Weekend And You Know What Was Really Sad? It's A Stationary Bike.

You Know What Is Interesting, Condit Is Very Conservative. He Voted To Post The Ten Commandments In Schools. Yet, He Himself Broke The 11th Commandment, 'thou Shall Not Put Thy Rod In Thy Staff.'

General Wesley Clark Commented On Gore Endorsing Howard Dean. He Said Endorsements Don't Win Elections. Hey, In This Country, Votes Don't Even Win Elections.

A New Poll Shows That Americans Now Believe That Bill Clinton Is More Honest Than President Bush. At Least When Clinton Screwed The Nation, He Did It One Person At A Time.

Do You Know What White House Correspondents Call Actors Who Pose As Reporters? Anchors.

Kentucky Fried Chicken.. Kfc... Keep Fooling Customers.

America Online Customers Are Upset Because The Company Has Decided To Allow Advertising In Its Chat Rooms. I Can See Why: You Got Computer Sex, You Can Download Pornography, People Are Making Dates With 10 Year-olds. Hey, What's This? A Pepsi Ad? They're Ruining The Integrity Of The Internet!

How Many Watched The President's Speech Last Night? [half-hearted Audience Applause] How Many Watched American Idol ? [thundering Applause] Okay, There You Go! You Get The Government You Deserve.

The Sacramento Bee Is Reporting That Arnold Schwarzenegger Is Not Going To Run For Governor. You Know What Would Be Better? Arnold Should Do What He Does In The Terminator Movies. He Should Go Back In Time And Prevent Gray Davis From Ever Being Born. That Way You Wouldn't Have The Problem.

In His Annual Economic Report To Congress President Bush Said That The Transfer Of American Jobs Overseas Is Actually Part Of A Positive Transformation That Will Enrich The U.s. Economy Over Time. So Basically, Losing Your Job To Someone Else Can Be A Good Thing. Of Course We'll See How He Feels About That In November.

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