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Major Heat Wave In India - 122 Degrees Today. It Was So Hot People In India Were Sweating Like Americans Waiting To Hear If Their Job Is Being Outsourced To India.

-Jay Leno

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Major Heat Wave In

Jay Leno

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Major Heat Wave In India - 122 Degrees Today. It Was So Hot People In India Were Sweating Like Americans Waiting To Hear If Their Job Is Being Outsourced To India.

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Senator Chris Dodd Unveiled His Plan To Reduce Corruption In The Senate. He's Retiring.

Yesterday, President-elect Barack Obama Announced His New Economic Team. You Know What He Should Do? Hire Those People Who Were In Charge Of His Fundraising Campaign. We Can Pay This Thing Off In Like A Week.

Us Officials Have Now Approved The First Anti-obesity Drug For Dogs. I'm No A Veterinarian, But If Your Dog Is Over Eating, Try Putting A Little Less Food In The Bowl. Do We Really Need To Give Him A Pill? Is The Dog Taking Your Car Keys And Driving To Mcdonalds?

China Is Now Expected To Surpass Japan As The 2nd Richest Country In The World. They Could Become The Richest, But That's Only If We Pay Them The Money We Owe Them, And That's Not Going To Happen.

The Mirror Interviewed One Of Osama Bin Laden's Sons And Said Bin Laden Has 42 Children. That's Going To Happen When You Sleep In A Different Cave Every Night.

At Ken Lay's Funeral Service The Minister Compared Him To Dr. Martin Luther King, Junior. The Difference Is Dr. King Had A Dream, Ken Lay Had A Scheme.

President Bush Spoke With The Amish. He Didn't Want To, But It Was The Only Group He Could Find That Wasn't Upset About The High Price Of Gas.

Inauguration Security Was Tighter Than Kirstie Alley In A Pair Of Spandex Pants.

These White House Scandals Are Not Going Away Anytime Soon. People In Kenya Are Now Saying He's 100 Percent American. That's How Bad It's Gotten.

I Don't Know Why It's So Hard To Believe Women. You To Go Saudi Arabia And You Need Two Women To Testify Against A Man. Here You Need 25.

Kerry Is Saying That Bush Never Showed Up For His National Guard Duty ... And Now Bush Is On The Attack. He's Accusing John Kerry Of Ducking Time In The National Guard By Hiding Out In The Jungles Of Vietnam.

Bin Laden Was Once Targeted By President Clinton. President Clinton Wanted To Kill Him But Couldn't Get Him. Of Course Not, We All Know What Kind Of Aim Clinton Has.

Did You See Walker's Father? 'my Son Loves America.' Yeah, Like O.j. Loved His Wife.

Elections Officials Here In California Are Concerned That Having 247 Candidates Would Require A Ballot So Long It Would Be Difficult To Count. Today In Florida They Said, 'what? You Count The Ballots?'

This Osama Bin Laden Guy, Spoiled Rich Kid Worth $300m. I Have Three Words For This Guy: Anna Nicole Smith. We Send Her Over There, She'll Get His Money, He'll Be Dead In A Week.

President Bush Spent The Day Calling Names He Couldn't Pronounce In Countries He Never Knew Existed.

Yesterday In New York City, Donald Trump Officially Changed His Political Affiliation From Republican To Independent. And Donald's Hair Has Switched From Pelt To Carpet Sample.

I Flew This Past Weekend. I Went Through Airport Security And Said To The Guy, 'is Everything Okay?' He Said, 'you Might Want To Have That Mole On Your Ass Checked Out.' That Seems A Little Personal To Me.

Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton Is Now Facing A Kind Of Personal Dilemma. She Can't Decide Whether To Drop The Name Clinton From Her Name, Or Drop The Name Rodham. They Can't Figure Out Which One Is More Embarrassing.

The United States Is Sending Its Most Powerful Drone To Libya. That’s A Long Trip For Joe Biden.

A New Study Shows That American Students Are Becoming Less Proficient In Science, And If The Trend Continues, We Will Become A Nation That's Science And Chemistry Illiterate. And You Thought A Lot Of Meth Labs Are Blowing Up Now?

The Military Said We'll Be Able To Confirm Saddam Is Dead With Dna Testing. Apparently We Have A Sample Of His Dna. So Monica Lewinsky Is Working For The Cia?

Hillary Clinton Is Getting A Little Bit Of Controversy Because She Has The Most Expensive Hometown Office Rent - Over $500,000 A Year. She's In A One-year Lease In The Office, As Opposed To Her Marriage, Which Is On A Month-to-month.

For Years President Obama Has Been Saying That No One Would Lose Their Healthcare Plan. Now The White House Has Admitted That In Fact Many People Will Lose Their Plans. But There Is A Way To Keep The Great Coverage You Have. Just Become A Member Of Congress. Then The Taxpayers Pay For The Whole Thing.

It's Just A Matter Of Time Before We Go Into Iraq And Get Saddam Hussein. I Think Just Before Bush Falls Below 50 Percent, That's When We'll Be Going.

Here's An Uplifting Story. Congratulations To The Little League Team From Huntington Beach, California. Yeah, They Beat Japan To Win The Little League World Series. That's Pretty Good. See, That Proves That When Math And Science Aren't Involved, Our Kids Can Beat Anybody.

Is It Me Or Is President Bush's Life Starting To Sound Like A Country Song. He's From Texas, His Dog Just Died, And It Looks Like He Might Lose His Job. Next Thing, His Truck Is Going To Break Down.

That Must Be Strange, Cheating On Your Wife With A Flight Attendant. They're In Bed And She's Says, 'in The Event That Wife Should Come Home Early Please Notice The Location Of The Nearest Emergency Exit.'

Now See, A Lot Of Critics Are Saying Arnold Can't Get Elected Because He's Just An Ambitious Guy With A Famous Name, Who Doesn't Know Anything About Running The Government. Didn't Hurt George Bush.

I Went To See The Terminator Movie The Other Night. Every Time Arnold Schwarzenegger Came On The Screen This Guy In Front Of Me Went 'booo! Booo!' And Was Throwing Stuff. I Had To Say 'governor Davis Just Shut Up And Sit Down!'

In An Interview With Univision, President Obama Said If There's One Thing He's Learned, It's That You Can't Change Washington From Within. So What Is He Saying - That If We Want Real Change, We Should Throw Him Out?

The Fbi Is Urging All Americans To Beware Of Any Letters Or Packages That Have Badly Misspelled Words. Man, This Is Going To Be Terrible News For The Rap Industry.

A German Psychologist Says That Women Talk More Than Men Because They Have A Bigger Vocabulary. But, It Evens Out Because Men Only Listen Half The Time.

There Is A Video Out Now On How To Please Men. Here's Tip Number 1: Just Show Up!

Tonight Was The Cnn Primary Debate With The Four Remaining Candidates. It Was Kind Of A Change For Newt Gingrich. Usually When He's Arguing With Three People At Once, It's His Wife, His Ex-wife, And His Mistress.

There Are Reports On The News Tonight That Members Of The Taliban Feel Persecuted And Fear Their Own Safety. So Now They Know What It Is Like To Feel Like A Woman In Their Country.

Al Gore Is Coming Out With A Movie About Global Warming Called ' An Inconvenient Truth. ' It's Described As A Detailed Scientific View Of Global Warming. President Bush Said He Just Saw A Film About Global Warming, 'ice Age 2; The Meltdown.' He Said, 'it's So Much Better Than That Boring Al Gore Movie.'

The Nation's Largest Savings And Loan, Washington Mutual, Has Become The Biggest Bank Failure In History. See, The Problem With The Savings And Loans? Not Enough Savings, Too Many Stupid Loans, Okay In Fact, They Changed Their Name From Wamu To 'screw You.'

The New York Times Has Had Fake Stories. Cbs Has Had Fake Stories. And Now Newsweek Had A Fake Story. You Realize The Only One That Hasn't Had To Print A Retraction Is The National Inquirer

Apparently 26 Years Ago, Arnold Gave An Interview To Oui Magazine About His Sex Life. The Good News Is That Arnold Is Married To Maria Shriver And Now That He's Had A Sex Scandal, The Kennedy Family Has Finally Accepted Him.

As If This Whole Thing Isn't Confusing Enough, Election Officials Announced This Week That The Alphabet On The Ballot Will Begin With The Letter R, Then W, Then Q. You Know, Even Sesame Street Is Laughing At California Now.

Big Scandal On The New 'survivor' Series. The White, The Black And The Hispanic Teams Were Caught Cheating Off The Asian Team.

I Guess You Heard About This; The U.s. Olympic Committee Is Coming Under Fire After It Was Revealed That The Uniforms For Team Usa To Be Worn In The Opening Ceremony Were Made In China. Turns Out They Were Made By Some Of The Same Kids Who Could Beat Us In Gymnastics. That's The Worst Part.

We've Got The Government Shutdown, But The Beginning Of Obamacare. You Know What That Means? You Can Now Complain To Your Doctor About The Government Making You Sick.

One Of President Obama's Winning Points Last Night Was About How Sanctions Against Iran Are Crippling Their Economy. And Believe Me, If Anyone Knows How To Cripple An Economy, It's President Obama.

Oliver North Says He Is Very Upset That John Walker Could Come Back To This Country And Cash In On His Celebrity Status. He Hates To See Someone Who Did Something Wrong Get Rewarded By Writing A Book Or Getting A Tv Show Out Of It.

Happiness Is A Privilege.

All Of Iraq's Oil Fields Are Under U.s. Control Which Is Ironic Considering All The Gas Stations Here Are Run By Middle Easterners.

Britney Spears Told An Interviewer If She Weren't Famous, She Would Be A Teacher. So Thank God She's Famous.

Saddam Hussein Is Dead, And Osama Bin Laden Is Dead. If You’re Moammar Gadhafi, Living In Exile Is Starting To Sound Really Good.

Osama Bin Laden

Some Sad News, President Bush's Lapdog Passed Away. Gee, I Didn't Even Know Tony Blair Was Sick?

The Lead Story On Msnbc Was The News That There Was Nothing New To Report In The Gary Condit Story. So Remember When There Is Nothing New To Report, Msnbc Will Be The Station Not To Report It First.

Congratulations To The Italian People For Winning The World Cup. ... They Won After France's Best Player Got Ejected For Head Butting. That's The Closest Anyone In A French Uniform Has Come To Combat In 60 Years.

Congratulations

The New York Police Department Says Iran Has Conducted Surveillance Inside New York City. They Say Iranian Operatives Are Using Special Mobile Surveillance Units. I Believe They're Called Taxi Cabs.

If God Doesn't Destroy Hollywood Boulevard, He Owes Sodom And Gomorrah An Apology.

Warren Buffett's Company Reportedly Owes The Irs A Billion Dollars In Back Taxes. When He Said He Wasn't Paying Enough Taxes, He Wasn't Kidding.

Astronomers Have Discovered A Planet That Is Twice The Size Of Earth And Made Of Diamonds. President Obama Says The Planet May Be Inhabited By Aliens Not Paying Their Fair Share.

The 99 Cent Only Store Is Calling Itself Your Valentine's Day Headquarters. Guys, If That's Your Valentine's Day Headquarters, You Can Also Call The Garage Your New Home.

According To Today's Los Angeles Times, Gray Davis Now Gets Negative Job Ratings From White People, Black People, Latinos, Republicans, Independents And Even Democrats. Say What You Want About The Guy But He's A Uniter!

Heating Bills This Winter Are The Highest They've Been In Five Years, But President Bush Has A Plan To Combat Rising Bills. It's Called Global Warming.

According To The New York Times, The Mob Has Now Gotten Into Medicare Fraud. But The Good News Is, When They Do Break Your Legs There's A Good Chance You're Covered.

We Should Make Politicians Dress Like Race Car Drivers -- When They Get Money, Make Them Wear The Company Logos On Their Suit.

While Visiting Kenya, Former President Clinton Was Offered 40 Goats And 20 Cows For His Daughter, Chelsea, By A Love Struck Government Official. Bill Said, "no Way!" How Does That Make Hillary Feel? Bill Almost Gave Her Up For One Cow.

The Good News Is, The Stock Market Is Closed And It Can't Hurt Us Again Until Tomorrow.

President Bush Fell Off His Bicycle This Weekend And You Know What Was Really Sad? It's A Stationary Bike.

Rick Perry Was Philosophical About (his Election Losses). He Said, 'last Week Was Iowa. Yesterday Was New Hampshire. ' He Said At Least It's Giving Him A Chance To Learn The Names Of All The States.

The Big Winner Last Night In New Hampshire - Senator John Kerry. He Won 39 Percent Of The Vote, Which Is Pretty Good, And Begs The Question, Why The Long Face?

They Say John Kerry Is The First Democratic Presidential Candidate In History To Raise $50 Million In A Three-month Period. Actually, That's Nothing. He Once Raised $500 Million With Two Words: 'i Do.'

In His Annual Economic Report To Congress President Bush Said That The Transfer Of American Jobs Overseas Is Actually Part Of A Positive Transformation That Will Enrich The U.s. Economy Over Time. So Basically, Losing Your Job To Someone Else Can Be A Good Thing. Of Course We'll See How He Feels About That In November.

Major Heat Wave In India - 122 Degrees Today. It Was So Hot People In India Were Sweating Like Americans Waiting To Hear If Their Job Is Being Outsourced To India.

Sen. Joe Biden, On The Day Of Announcing His Candidacy For President Of The United States, Called Barack Obama The First Mainstream African-american Who Is Articulate, Bright, And . . . Clean. I Think We've Seen The Shortest Presidential Campaign In History.

African American

There Are Over 30 Doctors Running For The Us Congress This Year. That's Going To Be Rather Strange. Half The Time These Folks Will Be Playing God And Asking Women To Take Their Clothes Off And The Other Half The Time They Will Be Doctors.

Gray Davis Got Some Good News This Week: The Clintons Are Out Here In California Campaigning For Him. Actually, Hillary Is Campaigning For Davis, Bill Is Out Here For Larry Flynt.

The Bush Administration Said Today There Is A Lot Of Support For Us To Attack Iraq. Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Chevron, They're All Lining Up.

The Democrats Say That President Bush Doesn't Have An Exit Strategy For Iraq. Of Course He Does. If Things Don't Go Well, He Exits In November.

The Democratic Leadership Council Has Named Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton To Design A Plan To Help Define An Agenda To The Democratic Party. Although Bill Said Today, In His Experience, Whenever Hillary Enters The Picture That's When The Party Ends

A Christmas Tree--the Perfect Gift For A Guy. The Plant Is Already Dead.

According To A New Study, 63% Of Men Surveyed Said They Like To Settle An Argument By Having Sex. The Other 37% Of The Men Said They Would Never Want To Get Into An Argument With Those Men.

If You Give Everybody A Slice Of Pie, You Will Still Have More Than Enough.

John Kerry Keeping A Low Profile This Week. He Said He Wanted To Get Away And Go Someplace Where No One Would Expect To See Him. So I Guess He Showed Up At His Old Seat In The Senate. Nobody's Going To Look For Him There.

President Obama And House Speaker John Boehner Have Agreed To Play A Round Of Golf Together. Imagine The Two Of Them At The End Of That Golf Game? Boehner Will Be Crying Over His Score And Obama Will Be Giving Three Explanations As To Why His Score Is Actually Better Than It Appears.

You Know Who Must Be Very Secure In Their Masculinity? Male Ladybugs.

Have You Noticed How The Republicans And Democrats Try To Copy Each Other At Their Conventions. Like At The Democratic Convention John Kerry's Daughter Told A Story About How He Once Gave Cpr To Her Hamster. At The Republican Convention The Bush Girls Are Going To Tell A Story About How When Their Hamster Was Bad, Their Dad Built Them A Little Electric Chair.

It Seems That Researchers At Colorado University Say Wine May Help People Lose Weight. It's Not The Wine Directly That Causes The Weight Loss, It's All The Walking Around You Do Trying To Find Your Car.

Political Experts Are Saying The Reason John Kerry Is Doing So Well Is Because He's 'electable.' Hey, So Was Al Gore - In Fact, He Even Got Elected And It Didn't Help Him At All.

President Bush Appeared With Arnold Schwarzenegger At A Huge Campaign Event. Only In California Can A Governor Who Speaks German And A President Who Can Barely Speak English Try To Make Themselves Clear To An Audience That's Primarily Spanish.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Has Still Not Officially Bowed Out Of This Race. It Looks Like He's Not Gonna Run. But I'll Tell Ya, If Arnold Does Run, He Better Get On The Ballot, Because You Don't Want A Write-in With A Name Like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Because People Will Go - 'schwarz, Schwarz, Oh Davis Is Easier.'

Howard Dean Was Endorsed By Al Gore. Now, If Dean Could Get Gray Davis To Campaign For Him, That Would Put Him Over The Top.

So China's President [hu Jintao] Meets, Uh - Meets America's President. It's Like President "who?" Meeting President "huh?"

John Kerry Was The Big Winner In Iowa. Ted Kennedy Introduced Kerry As The 'comeback Kid.' That Used To Be Bill Clinton's Name - Because Every Time He Would Come Back To A City, He Would Find Out If He Had A Kid Or Not.

Your Preoccupation Should Be On Doing What You Do As Well As You Can.

I Was Going To Start Off Tonight With An Obama Joke But I Don't Want To Get Audited By The Irs.

Ex-convicts Prepared The Eggs For The White House’s Easter Egg Roll. It’s Nice To See The White House Reaching Out To Former Members Of Congress.

A Student At The University Of Wisconsin In Madison Spent 90 Days Technology Free. He Went Without A Cell Phone, Facebook, Twitter, Or Any Social Media Of Any Kind. And You Know What Really Improved? His Driving!

It Looks Like Rudy Giuliani Is Out Of The Race. Finally, A Republican With An Exit Strategy.

Do You Have Any Idea How Cheap Stocks Are? Wall Street Is Now Being Called Wall Mart Street

Texas Gov. Rick Perry Referred To The Mexican City Of Juarez As The Most Dangerous City In America. In His Defense, He Probably Just Thought It Was An American City Because There Were So Many Mexicans There.

Barack Obama's Mother-in-law Might Be Moving Into The White House With Him. Joe Biden Was Right. Hostile Forces Will Test Him In The First Few Months.

A Lot Of People Are Now Criticizing Attorney General John Ashcroft For His Policy On Detaining What He Considers Suspicious People. I Think He's Going A Little Overboard. Today, He Arrested The Entire Band Foreigner.

In The Enron Scandal, Whistleblower Sherron Watkins Is Now Calling Herself Enron Brokovitch. She Testified Ken Lay Was Duped By The Other Executives. Oh, Yeah. When Is The Last Time You Got Duped And Made $100 Million?

President Obama Was In India Yesterday Visiting Our Jobs. Tomorrow He Goes To China To Visit Our Money.

I Don't Understand The United Nations. They Have Selected Iran To Sit On The U.n.'s Women's Rights Panel. Iran! Also On The Panel - Ben Roethlisberger, Chris Brown, Phil Spector, Robert Blake And Committee Chairman O.j. Simpson.

The Democratic Convention Is $27 Million In Debt. They Had To Cancel The Kick-off Event At The Charlotte Motor Speedway. A Speedway Is The Perfect Place For The Democratic Convention. You Go Around In Circles, Turn Left Every Few Seconds, And You End Up Right Where You Started.

More And More Facts Coming Out About Osama Bin Laden. You Know, He Never Sleeps In The Same Place Two Nights In A Row, Just Like Clinton.

Really? Anyone Intimidated By Barack Obama? He Can't Even Keep Joe Biden In Line.

Dean's Wife, Judith Steinberg, Made A Rare Appearance With Dean. She's A Doctor, So I Guess They Brought Her In To Stop The Hemorrhaging.

They Had So Much Rain In New York That A Lot Of The Cabbies Had Their First Shower In Years.

At&t Is Now Offering A New Service That Allows You To Pay Your Bills Through Your Tv Screen By Using Your Remote Control. So Instead Of Saying, "the Check's In The Mail," People Are Going To Say, "hey, I Wanted To Pay, But I Couldn't Find The Remote."

According To A New Un Report, The Global Warming Outlook Is Much Worse Than Originally Predicted. Which Is Pretty Bad, When They Originally Predicted It Would Destroy The Planet.

The Difference Between Men And Women Is That Men Love The 3 Stooges, And Women Think They're Assholes.

The Car Was The Iphone Of The 20th Century. Kids These Days Don't Have To Drive Anymore. They Just Go There Virtually.

Actually, Joe Biden Looked Pretty Good. In Fact, Joe's Popularity Has Gone From 1% To 2% Last Week To 3% Today. At This Rate, He Could Win The Nomination By The Year 2032.

Hillary Clinton Said That Her Childhood Dream Was To Be An Olympic Athlete. But She Was Not Athletic Enough. She Said She Wanted To Be An Astronaut, But At The Time They Didn't Take Women. She Said She Wanted To Go Into Medicine, But Hospitals Made Her Woozy. Should She Be Telling People This Story? I Mean She's Basically Saying She Wants To Be President Because She Can't Do Anything Else.

Isn't This Amazing? Clinton Is Getting $8m For His Memoir, Hillary Got $8m For Her Memoir. That Is $16m For Two People Who For Eight Years Couldn't Remember Anything.

Even Arnold's Adviser Says He Was Shocked By His Decision To Run. I Mean, His People Were Backstage That Night And They Had No Idea. He Totally Fooled Them. Who Knew Arnold Was That Good Of An Actor? If He Had Done That In A Movie, He'd Have An Academy Award By Now.

Jesse Jackson's In Trouble. They're Going After This Tax Thing. Jesse Said He Will Amend His Taxes To Show The Money That He Paid To His Mistress. See, He Has Just One Mistress. Jesse Uses The Standard Mistress Deduction. As Opposed To Clinton, Who Had To Itemize.

Last Week Convicted Enron Crook Ken Lay Died Of A Heart Attack. They Announced They Were Going To Cremate Him. Where He's Going, Why Bother?.

Mcdonald's Announced That It's Considering A More Humane Way Of Slaughtering Its Animals. You Know They Fatten Them Up And Then Kill Them. You Know The Same Thing They Do To Their Customers, Isn't It?

Show Business Is Like Champagne. You'll Appreciate It More If You Don't Drink It Everyday

If President Obama Really Wants To Hurt The Syrian Government, Don't Send Cruise Missiles. He Should Send Over Some Of His Economic Advisers.

John Kerry Suspended His Campaign For Five Days This Week In Honor Of President Reagan. And Right Now, He's Ahead In The Polls. How's That Make Him Feel? Disappears For A Week And He's Up In The Polls. What Else Can He Do Now But Go Into Hiding.

An Evangelical Minister Has Had To Resign After Pictures Surfaced Showing Him In A Hot Tub With Two Women. He Claimed It Was Just A Baptism Gone Terribly Wrong.

Financial Experts Are Saying We Are Entering A New Chapter In The American Economy. I Believe It's Chapter 11.

The Nfl Draft Is Going To Be This Thursday. That's A Huge Night For College Players. That's The Night They Start Being Paid Over The Table.

There Is A Nationwide Shortage Of Drugs For Attention Deficit Disorder. The Fda Says They're Not Sure How It Happened. I Guess Somebody Wasn't Paying Attention.

L.a.'s Large Convenience Stores Are So Big They Can Accommodate Up To Twenty Armed Robbers At One Time.

Casey Anthony Was Found Not Guilty. This Means That President Obama’s Economic Team Is Only The Second-most Clueless Group In America.

Authorities In New York City Have Foiled A Plot By Terrorists To Blow Up The Holland Tunnel. There Was One Awkward Moment When Officials Informed President Bush The Holland Tunnel Was Safe. Bush Then Thanked The Dutch Authorities For All Their Help.

Usain Bolt Won The Gold For The Men's 100- And 200-meter Dashes For The Second Olympics In A Row. You Know, He Has Been Running Since He Was In Elementary School - Kind Of Like Mitt Romney.

In An Exclusive Interview With The Christian Broadcasting Network Donald Trump Said "i Believe In God." But Of Course The Donald Was Talking About Himself.

Herman Cain Told A Group Of Occupy Wall Street Protesters To Go Home, Get A Job, And Get A Life. That's The Republican Version Of Hope And Change, Ladies And Gentlemen.

My Favorite Halloween Candy Is The Candy Corn. It Comes In Four Colors: White, Yellow, Orange, Brown. Those Are Also The Stages Of Your Teeth Rotting After You Eat It.

American Forces In Iraq Found $650 Million In American Cash Sealed In A Hidden Cottage. See, This Is Why President Bush Wants To Invade Iraq, The Whole Place Is Oil And Cash. It's Like Republican Disneyland.

Jesse Jackson Also Said He Thought Barack Obama Was Talking Down To Black People By Lecturing Them On Things Like Fatherhood And Being A Responsible Husband. Jesse Thought It Was Insulting, Not Only To Him, But To His Former Mistress And Their Love Child.

Things Have Really Changed Here In Hollywood. Used To Be People In This Town Couldn't Wait To Get An Envelope Full Of White Powder.

Have You Seen The Cover Of Newsweek? They Have Martha Stewart On The Cover, But It's Not Actually Martha. It's A Doctored Photo. They Put Martha's Head On A Slimmer Woman's Body. And Martha Was Very Upset About This. She Said, 'hey, If I Wanted My Face On Another Woman's Body, I'd Stay In Prison.'

It’s Being Reported That The Economy Lost 95,000 Jobs In September. And That’s Just People Leaving The White House.

President Bush Released His Tax Returns Yesterday. He Listed The Economy As A Liability. He Gets To Write That Off.

The First Lady Said About Her Husband, 'i Could Take Up A Whole Afternoon Talking About His Failures.' And Today She Was Offered Her Own Show On Fox News.

According To A Recent Survey, Men Say The First Thing They Notice About Women Is Their Eyes. And Women Say The First Thing They Notice About Men Is They're A Bunch Of Liars.

Funny Relationship

There Was A Rumor That Jesse Jackson Was Going To Go Over There To Talk With The Taliban, Apparently They Were Having Trouble Rhyming The Word Jihad.

President Bush Fell Off His Mountain Bike Down On His Ranch In Texas. A Couple Weeks Ago, John Kerry Fell Off His Bicycle. See, Doesn't This Make You Miss President Clinton? That Guy, He Could Ride Anything Without Falling Off.

President Bush Called Arnold To Congratulate Him Today, And After He Got Off The Phone, Arnold Said, 'i Thought My English Was Bad.'

Enron Is Now Officially Out Of The Energy Business. They Are Now In A New Business: Confetti.

Congratulation S To Rahm Emanuel On Being Elected Mayor Of Chicago. His First Order Of Business After Taking Office Will Be To Actually Move To Chicago.

Congratulations

Seems There's A Big Debate Going On About Whether A New Tv Commercial For Minute Maid Orange Juice Portrays Popeye And Bluto As Gay Lovers Or Just Good Friends. The Commercial Shows Popeye And Bluto At The Beach And Riding A Bicycle For Two. I Don't Think That Makes Them Gay. I Think The Fact They Both Find Olive Oyl Attractive, That Makes Them Gay.

Today, President Barack Obama Promised To 'detect And Pursue' American Tax Evaders, As Opposed To His First 100 Days, In Which He Detected And Nominated American Tax Evaders.

Experts Say That If We Go To War With Iraq, Oil Could Reach As Much As $80 A Barrel. Of Course, After The War It Will Be Free.

Of Course, Republicans Still Can't Believe That Barack Obama Won The Nobel Peace Prize. But Then Democrats Can't Believe That Sarah Palin Wrote A Book.

President Obama Is Coming Under Criticism Now For Not Meeting With His Jobs Council. He Hasn't Met With His Jobs Council In Over Six Months. You Know The Reason Obama Hasn't Met With His Job Council In Six Months? They're All Out Looking For Jobs.

What's Going On With The Oakland Raiders? You Know, I Don't Want To Say The Raiders Are Bad, But You Know, Now, A Lot Of Fans Are Painting Their Faces Just So They Won't Be Recognized.

Michele Bachmann Told Reporters That She Will Lead The Nation In Prayer If She Is Elected President. You Know If She Is Elected President, We All Better Be Praying. She Doesn't Have To Lead Us.

The Other Day The Plane That Barack Obama Was On Had Some Mechanical Difficulties And Was Forced To Land. Well, The National Transportation Safety Board Did An Inspection On The Plane, And You Know What They Found? The Bolts On The Plane Were Fine, But Apparently Jesse Jackson Had Taken Some Of The Nuts Off.

Apparently, Osama Bin Laden Was Killed With Money And Phone Numbers Sewn Into His Clothing. So We Got Him Right Before He Left For Summer Camp.

Nike Actually Has A Pair Of Shoes Called Air-turbulence. Try Getting Past Airline Security Wearing Those. Might As Well Call Them Air-osama.

Former U.s. House Majority Leader, Tom Delay, Has Been Sentenced To Three Years In Prison. One Year For Money Laundering And Two More For His Performance On 'dancing With The Stars.'

Majority Leader

Tonight The Republican Presidential Candidates Had A Big Debate, 10 Candidates. The Last Time That Many Rich White Guys Got Together, I Think Exxon Merged With Mobil.

Real Movement In The Kerry Campaign Now. His Poll Numbers Are Moving, Donations Are Moving, Endorsements Are Moving. The Only Thing Not Moving Is His Hair.

John Kerry Said Today He Wants To Debate President Bush Once A Month. Hey Good Luck, If Bush Couldn't Make It To The National Guard Once A Month, He's Not Going To Show Up For This.

Today Is April 1, April Fools' Day, A Day That People Try To Fool Their Friends And Relatives. Don't Confuse That With April 15, When People Try To Fool The Irs.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Made His Tax Returns Public, [and] Now There's A Problem About Him Stretching The Truth. Apparently Under Occupation He Put Down 'actor.'

When They Said "make Love, Not War" At Woodstock, They Never Imagined That One Would Become As Dangerous As The Other.

There Are Now More Obese People In The United States Than There Are Overweight People. I Think It's Safe To Say That After All These Years, Diet Coke Is A Complete Failure.

Corporations Complained About [safety] Regulations, But Let's Face It, People Walk Away From Accidents Now That Would Have Killed Them When I Was A Kid

When You Fix Something With Your Hands It Gives You A Sense Of Accomplishment And A Sense Of Self Worth.

The Bush Administration Has Apparently Approved A Plan To Oust Saddam Hussein. I Think That's President Bush's Father's Day Gift To His Dad.

Con Artists Are Using Obamacare Confusion To Sign People Up For Fake Health Insurance. The Scammers Lure Victims With False Promises Like, 'if You Like Your Healthcare Plan, You Can Keep Your Healthcare Plan.' The Scammers Will Tell You That, So You Have To Be Careful.

Clinton Vetoed The Repeal Of The Marriage Tax. I Guess Bill Figures If He's Married, Then We All Have To Suffer.

The Catholic Church Is Still Very Angry About The Da Vinci Code - They Don't Like Anything That Makes More Money In A Weekend Than They Do.

Genetic Scientists Say That One Day It Will Be Possible To Grow New Body Parts, Like New Breasts And New Hands. It's Going To Be A Huge Moneymaker, Because You Know That As Soon As Women Grow Another Breast, Men Will Want Another Hand.

Cnn Found That Hillary Clinton Is The Most Admired Woman In America. Women Admire Her Because She's Strong And Successful. Men Admire Her Because She Allows Her Husband To Cheat And Get Away With It.

In His Speech Last Night, John Kerry Said This Was The Beginning Of The End Of The Bush Administration. I Agree. Sure, It May Take Another Five Years, But This Is It.

A Petition To Have Justin Bieber Deported Got Over 100,000 Signatures, Which Means The White House Now Has To Legally Rule On It. So Finally A Chance For Obama To Issue An Executive Order That Both Republicans And Democrats Can Agree On.

In A Speech Earlier Today President Bush Said If Iraq Gets Rid Of Saddam Hussein, He Will Help The Iraqi People With Food, Medicine, Supplies, Housing, Education - Anything That's Needed. Isn't That Amazing? He Finally Comes Up With A Domestic Agenda - And It's For Iraq. Maybe We Could Bring That Here If It Works Out.

President Obama Said In An Interview Over The Weekend That He Really Misses Being Anonymous. He Said, 'i Miss Saturday Mornings Rolling Out Of Bed And Not Shaving, Going To The Market...' Be Careful What You Wish For, 2012 Is Just Around The Corner!

Of Course With John Mccain Out Of The Race, George W. Bush Has To Pick A Running Mate. Which Is Kind Of A Scary Proposition When You Think About It. I Mean His Dad Picked Dan Quayle, An He Isn't As Smart As His Dad.

The Sacramento Bee Is Reporting That Arnold Schwarzenegger Is Not Going To Run For Governor. You Know What Would Be Better? Arnold Should Do What He Does In The Terminator Movies. He Should Go Back In Time And Prevent Gray Davis From Ever Being Born. That Way You Wouldn't Have The Problem.

President Obama Gave A Big Speech On Climate Change. He Believes Global Warming Is Getting Worse Because Apparently He's Sweating A Lot More During His Second Term

Rumors Have Restarted That The Republican Ticket Will Not Be Bush-cheney. But Today Those Rumors Were Put To Rest When Cheney Said, 'no, I'm Keeping Him On The Ticket.'

The White House Has Finally Found One Guy That Kinda Remembers Serving With President Bush In The National Guard. Now They Just Need To Find Someone Who Remembers Bush Working On An Economic Plan. ... I Think The White House Spent More Money Looking For This Guy Than Finding Weapons Of Mass Destruction.

Mass Destruction

Soup Is Probably A Way Associated With Screwing You Outside Of A Meal.

New Year's Eve, Where Auld Acquaintance Be Forgot. Unless, Of Course, Those Tests Come Back Positive.

Forty Million Americans Smoked Marijuana; The Only Ones Who Didn’t Like It Were Judge Ginsberg, Clarence Thomas And Bill Clinton.

Is It Me Or Is Bush Going Everywhere Kerry Goes? So Far In The Past Week, President Bush Has Followed John Kerry To Davenport, Iowa; New Mexico; Las Vegas; Los Angeles; And He Follows Him To Portland, Oregon. The Only Place He Never Followed John Kerry Was Vietnam.

Portland Oregon

I've Lost Some Weight. I Am On That New Obama Diet. Every Day I Let Vladimir Putin Eat My Lunch.

An Intruder Broke Into Mike Tyson's Hotel Room In Las Vegas While He Was Sleeping But Got Out Before Tyson Could Get To Him. I Don't Know What's Scarier. Having Someone Breaking Into Your Room While You're Sleeping Or Breaking Into Someone Else's Room And Finding Out The Guy Is Mike Tyson.

A Pakistan Businessman Is Claiming That John Walker Lindh Is Gay And That He Was His Lover. Say What You Will About Lindh, But When This Guy Goes To Play For The Other Team - He Goes All The Way ... So Lindh May Be Both A Terrorist And A Gay Man. That May Be John Ashcroft's Worst Nightmare.

How Many Are Worried About A Government Shutdown? How Many Are More Worried About It Starting Back Up?

Congratulations To Mexico. They Upset Brazil To Win A Gold Medal In Men's Soccer. And After The Olympics Ended, The Mexican Soccer Team, Of Course, Returned Home To Their Houses Here In Los Angeles.

In People Magazine, Madonna Said Her Life Has Been Exhausting Since She Started Her World Tour. She Said There Isn't A Second Of Her Life That Isn't Taken Up Looking After Her Family Or Thinking Of Her Show - Her Day Is Filled With Problems Of Work And Family. Someone Should Tell Her, Everyone Else Calls That, Life.

How Many Watched The President's Speech Last Night? [half-hearted Audience Applause] How Many Watched American Idol ? [thundering Applause] Okay, There You Go! You Get The Government You Deserve.

Italian Authorities Seized $6 Trillion Worth Of Fake, Worthless U.s. Treasury Bonds. Pretty Good Counterfeit Job, Too. They Look Just Like The Genuine, Worthless Treasury Bonds.

The Other Night, President Bush's Press Conference Was Pre-empted By 'american Idol.' You Know The Difference Between President Bush And 'american Idol?' See, On 'american Idol,' The One With The Most Votes Wins.

You Know What Is Interesting, Condit Is Very Conservative. He Voted To Post The Ten Commandments In Schools. Yet, He Himself Broke The 11th Commandment, 'thou Shall Not Put Thy Rod In Thy Staff.'

First There's The Promise Ring, Then The Engagement Ring, Then The Wedding Ring... Soon After... Comes Suffer...ring!

President James Garfield Could Write In Latin With One Hand While Writing In Greek With The Other. I Would Give My Right Arm To Be Ambidextrous.

Anybody Can Have A Life. Careers Are Hard To Come By.

It's Casual Friday, Which Means That At The White House, They're Casually Going Through Everybody's Phone Calls And Records.

Experts Are Saying That President Bush's Goal Now Is To Politically Humiliate Saddam Hussein. Why Don't We Just Make Him The Next Democratic Presidential Nominee?

French Troops Arrived In Afghanistan Last Week, And Not A Minute Too Soon. The French Are Acting As Advisers To The Taliban, To Teach Them How To Surrender Properly.

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