Background Image

...

As If This Whole Thing Isn't Confusing Enough, Election Officials Announced This Week That The Alphabet On The Ballot Will Begin With The Letter R, Then W, Then Q. You Know, Even Sesame Street Is Laughing At California Now.

-Jay Leno

...

Please Wait....
Translating....

As If This Whole

Jay Leno

...

As If This Whole Thing Isn't Confusing Enough, Election Officials Announced This Week That The Alphabet On The Ballot Will Begin With The Letter R, Then W, Then Q. You Know, Even Sesame Street Is Laughing At California Now.

Views: 13

Topic

More From Jay Leno

A Student At The University Of Wisconsin In Madison Spent 90 Days Technology Free. He Went Without A Cell Phone, Facebook, Twitter, Or Any Social Media Of Any Kind. And You Know What Really Improved? His Driving!

Here's The Latest From The Pentagon -- The Generals Are Worried That The White House Is Spreading Itself Thin By Trying To Fight A War On Two Fronts; Afghanistan And Fox News.

I'm A Staunch Independant. Every Time I Think I Am A Republican, They Do Something Greedy, And Every Time I Think I Am A Democrat, They Go And Do Someting Stupid.

I Guess You Heard About This; The U.s. Olympic Committee Is Coming Under Fire After It Was Revealed That The Uniforms For Team Usa To Be Worn In The Opening Ceremony Were Made In China. Turns Out They Were Made By Some Of The Same Kids Who Could Beat Us In Gymnastics. That's The Worst Part.

John Kerry Reportedly Flew In His Private Hairdresser Before His "meet The Press" Interview For A Total Cost Of $1,000. That's $1,000 For A Haircut, Which Sounds Like A Lot, But Have You Seen The Size Of Kerry's Head.

The Fbi Is Urging All Americans To Beware Of Any Letters Or Packages That Have Badly Misspelled Words. Man, This Is Going To Be Terrible News For The Rap Industry.

President Obama Is Asking Congress To Support A Military Strike In Syria. If They Approve, It Will Be The First Time Congress Has Officially Declared War Since Obamacare.

I Understand The Chairman Of The Senate Ethics Comittee Is Going To Examine The Check-bouncing Scandal With A Microscope. ...makes Sense... If You're Going To Look At Ethics In Congress, A Microscope Is What You Need.

Here's Something To Think About: How Come You Never See A Headline Like 'psychic Wins Lottery'?

President Obama Will Be Going To Disney World Where He'll Unveil His New Plan To Create Jobs. And What Better Place For The President To Talk About His Jobs Plan Than Fantasyland?

A Review Of Studies By Physicians Found That Excessive Exercise Is Bad For Your Heart. Another Study Says A Daily Serving Of Chocolate Is Actually Good For Your Heart. That's Got To Make Next Year New Year's Resolution Easier To Keep. "i'm Going To Exercise Less. Eat A Little More Chocolate.

If President Obama Really Wants To Hurt The Syrian Government, Don't Send Cruise Missiles. He Should Send Over Some Of His Economic Advisers.

They Say Hot Dogs Can Kill You. How Do You Know It's Not The Bun?

Sixty Years Ago This Week Hitler Invaded Poland. This Led To The Creation Of The History Channel.

Oscar Nominations Came Out Today. Up For Best Actor, Sean Penn For 'mystic River,' Jude Law For 'cold Mountain,' And Of Course, George W. Bush For 'iraqi Weapons Of Mass Destruction.'

Mass Destruction

Major Heat Wave In India - 122 Degrees Today. It Was So Hot People In India Were Sweating Like Americans Waiting To Hear If Their Job Is Being Outsourced To India.

Barack Obama Said Yesterday That The Economy Was 'going To Get Worse Before It Gets Better.' See, That's When You Know The Campaign Is Really Over. Remember Before The Election? 'the Audacity Of Hope!' 'yes, We Can!' 'a Change We Can Believe In!' Now It's, 'we're All Screwed.'

They Had So Much Rain In New York That A Lot Of The Cabbies Had Their First Shower In Years.

Whitney Houston Rear-ended A City Bus With Her Sports Car, But No One Was Hurt. She Said She Didn't Know What Happened. One Minute She Was Concentrating On The Big White Line, And The Next, Boom!

I Always Tell New People In Show Business. I Say, "look, Show Business Pays You A Lot Of Money, Because Eventually You're Gonna Get Screwed. And When You Get Screwed, You Will Have This Pile Of Money Off To The Side Already." And They Go, "ok, Ok. Ok, You Ready? You Ready?" "i Got Screwed." "you Got The Pile Of Money?" "yeah, I'm Fine." I Mean, That's The Way It Works.

President Obama Said In An Interview Over The Weekend That He Really Misses Being Anonymous. He Said, 'i Miss Saturday Mornings Rolling Out Of Bed And Not Shaving, Going To The Market...' Be Careful What You Wish For, 2012 Is Just Around The Corner!

According To A New Survey, 90% Of Men Say Their Lover Is Also Their Best Friend. Which Is Really Kind Of Disturbing When You Consider Man's Best Friend Is His Dog.

According To A Recent Study, Ten Percent Of 'star Trek' Fans Meet The Psychological Criteria For Addiction. Deprived Of Their Favourite Show, Some Trekkies Disply Withdrawal Symptoms Similar To Drug Addicts. Of Course, The Real Difference Is That Drug Addicts Aren't Nearly As Annoying.

Rick Santorum Is So Conservative; He Thinks Ky Jelly Is Jam Made In Kentucky.

The United States Is Sending Its Most Powerful Drone To Libya. That’s A Long Trip For Joe Biden.

Kerry Is Saying That Bush Never Showed Up For His National Guard Duty ... And Now Bush Is On The Attack. He's Accusing John Kerry Of Ducking Time In The National Guard By Hiding Out In The Jungles Of Vietnam.

It Was Reported In The Paper That President Bush Received A 'warm Reception' From The Daytona 500 Drivers. Well Sure, The Drivers Had Never Met Anyone Who Was Sponsored By More Oil Companies Than They Were.

They Said These North Korean Missiles Had Enough Range To Hit Seattle, But Residents In Seattle Were Not Worried. Today Bill Gates Said Microsoft Has Enough Missiles To Destroy North Korea Ten Times Over.

Congratulation S To Rahm Emanuel On Being Elected Mayor Of Chicago. His First Order Of Business After Taking Office Will Be To Actually Move To Chicago.

Congratulations

I Don’t Like Goodbyes, Nbc Does.

A New Study Shows That American Students Are Becoming Less Proficient In Science, And If The Trend Continues, We Will Become A Nation That's Science And Chemistry Illiterate. And You Thought A Lot Of Meth Labs Are Blowing Up Now?

Studies Show American Students Are Becoming Less Proficient In Math. Experts Say We Should Have Seen This Coming, But Nobody Could Put 2 And 2 Together.

President Obama Has Announced A Task Force To Review The Tax Codes. He's Concerned There Are Too Many Loopholes And Too Many People Manipulating The System To Avoid Paying Taxes. And That's Just In His Administration.

President Obama Said He Plans On Training 10,000 New Math And Science Teachers. How About Teaching Math To That Economic Team Of His?

Senator John Kerry Released His Plan Today To Eliminate The Deficit. He Said All We Have To Do Is Find A Really Rich Country Like Switzerland And Marry It.

Romney Raised $10 Million. That’s A Dollar For Every Position He’s Had On Healthcare.

A Survey Has Shown That The Average Man Has Had Sex In A Car 15 Times. Something To Keep In Mind Next Time You're Looking For A Used Car.

I Didn't Realize It Was October Until I Saw The Chicago Cubs Choking.

My Wife Loves Europe, But To Me It's A Bad Day At A Theme Park.

They Say If The Warming Trend Continues, By 2015 Hillary Clinton Might Actually Thaw Out.

President Bush Announced A Major New Plan For The United States To Put A Man On The Moon, Which Would Be A Really Big Story If This Were 1962. Bush Said He Didn't Remember Anything About The 60's - I Guess He Wasn't Lying.

I Saw Something Stupid In The Paper Today - A New Alarm Clock That Makes No Noise. It's For People Who Don't Like Loud Noises. Instead, It Slowly Hits You With Light And Gets Brighter And Brighter Until You Wake Up. I Already Have One Of Those... It's Called A Window.

There Are Over 30 Doctors Running For The Us Congress This Year. That's Going To Be Rather Strange. Half The Time These Folks Will Be Playing God And Asking Women To Take Their Clothes Off And The Other Half The Time They Will Be Doctors.

A Woman In Great Britain Has Died After Being Hit In The Back Of The Head By A Golf Ball, On The First Hole. Her Husband Was So Distraught, He Only Played The Front Nine.

President Obama Had Lunch With Republican Leaders At The White House Today And Had To Do Without Salt, Pepper And Butter. Not For Dietary Reasons. The Republicans Refused To Pass Anything.

The L.a. Times Reports That Al Qaeda Terrorists Have Been Traced To Iran, And President Bush Is Talking Tough. In Fact He Said He Will Attack The Minute He Has Evidence His Approval Rating Is Under 45 Percent.

Approval Rating

John Kerry Fell Off Of His Bicycle Over The Weekend. He Went For A Sunday Afternoon Ride, Fell Off In Front Of The News Media. Luckily, His Hair Broke The Fall So It's Not As Serious. ... Thankfully, Senator Kerry Was Not Seriously Injured. In Fact, When The Police Arrived, Kerry Was Well Enough To Give Conflicting Reports To The Officers About What Happened.

Usain Bolt Won The Gold For The Men's 100- And 200-meter Dashes For The Second Olympics In A Row. You Know, He Has Been Running Since He Was In Elementary School - Kind Of Like Mitt Romney.

You Know What Really Makes This Embarrassing? The Other Day The President Said The Leaders In Iraq Are 'ready To Take Off The Training Wheels.' That's What He Said, 'take Off The Training Wheels.' Then He Goes Out And Falls Off His Bicycle. And They Wonder Why The Rest Of The World Doesn't Take Us Seriously.

President Obama Admitted This Week That A Former Girlfriend That He Wrote About In His Autobiography Was Made Up And Not A Real Person . . . So Obama Had An Imaginary Girlfriend. Big Deal! He Had An Imaginary Economic Plan. It’s All The Same.

Elections Officials Here In California Are Concerned That Having 247 Candidates Would Require A Ballot So Long It Would Be Difficult To Count. Today In Florida They Said, 'what? You Count The Ballots?'

The United States Military Is Now Using The Music Of Metallica And Other Heavy Metal Bands To Break The Will Of Saddam Hussein Supporters To Get Them To Talk. Theyre Blaring Heavy Metal Music At Them. That Should Make The Artist Feel Pretty Good, Huh? Put Your Heart And Soul Into Your Last Cd And The Army Is Using It To Torture People.

Vice President Cheney Is Also On Vacation. He's In Jackson Hole, Wyoming. What Better Place For A Guy Who Has Had 4 Heart Attacks Than A Place With Thin Air, Rugged Hiking And All-beef Dinners? Why Don't They Get Some Snow For Him To Shovel While He's Out There, Too?

Having A Life Is Easy. Having A Career Is Hard To Come By.

Now There Are More Overweight People In America Than Average-weight People. So Overweight People Are Now Average. Which Means You've Met Your New Year's Resolution.

Oil Prices Jumped To Well Over $100 A Barrel, And Analysts Say It's Due To Tension In The Middle East. So, Luckily, It's Just A Temporary Thing.

I Was Going To Start Off Tonight With An Obama Joke But I Don't Want To Get Audited By The Irs.

Former Enron Founder Ken Lay And Ceo Jeffrey Skilling Found Guilty In The Enron Case. Ken Lay Is So Guilty I'm Surprised People Aren't Calling Him Congressman Ken Lay. Wait 'till These Guys Find Out In Prison That Insider Trading Has A Whole New Meaning.

I Went To See The Terminator Movie The Other Night. Every Time Arnold Schwarzenegger Came On The Screen This Guy In Front Of Me Went 'booo! Booo!' And Was Throwing Stuff. I Had To Say 'governor Davis Just Shut Up And Sit Down!'

If You're A Gunfighter, You Like To Die In The Street.

Rick Perry Unveiled His New Tax Plan. He Says He Wants A Flat Tax. He Believes That Tax Should Be Flat, Just Like The Earth.

Former Enron Ceo Jeffrey Skilling Appeared Before Congress. Do You Think They Even Bothered Swearing Him In? Now He Is Denying He Lied To Congress Last Week. He's Saying It Was Just The Liquor Talking.

President Bush Said Global Warming Is Happening Much Quicker Than He Thought, And Then His Staff Pulled Him Aside And Said 'it's Just Springtime.'

I Like Cars That Are Ahead Of Their Times, And That Were Noble Failures Because They Were Built To A Higher Standard Than The Consumer Needed. Cars Like The Wills Sainte Claire Or The Duesenberg.

President Bush Released His Tax Returns Yesterday. He Listed The Economy As A Liability. He Gets To Write That Off.

Now This Really Annoys Me: All These People Getting On The Internet And Saying Nostradamus Predicted This. If Nostradamus Were Alive Today His Name Would Be Miss Cleo And He'd Be Charging $2.99 A Minute.

Donald Trump Said He Will Not Decide About A Possible Run For The Presidency Until After The Current Season Of Celebrity Apprentice Wraps Up. Say What You Want About Trump, At Least This Guy Has His Priorities In Order. He Doesn't Want To Let Actual Reality Get In The Way Of His Reality Show.

In Business News, Chocolate Maker Nestle Is Buying Jenny Craig. Well, That Says It All You Need To Know About The War On Obesity, Doesn't It? It's Over! Apparently We Surrendered!

At The Sharper Image Store, I Saw A Body Fat Analyzer. Didn't That Used To Be Called A Mirror?

The Kinsey Institute Says Gay Men Have Bigger Sex Organs. Hence The Origin Of Gay Pride.

Genetic Scientists Say That One Day It Will Be Possible To Grow New Body Parts, Like New Breasts And New Hands. It's Going To Be A Huge Moneymaker, Because You Know That As Soon As Women Grow Another Breast, Men Will Want Another Hand.

Starbuck's Is Going To Start Selling Instant Coffee. This Is For People Who Want The Quality Of Sanka, But Want To Pay The High Starbuck's Price.

According To The L.a. Times, Attorney General John Ashcroft Wants To Take "a Harder Stance" On The Death Penalty. What's A Harder Stance On The Death Penalty? We're Already Killing The Guy? How Do You Take A Harder Stance On The Death Penalty? What, Are You Going To Tickle Him First? Give Him Itching Powder? Put A Thumbtack On The Electric Chair?

Some Members Of Congress Now Are Complaining They Are Underpaid. They Want To Propose A Pay Raise. You Can't Blame Them. A Lot Of Them Took A Big Income Hit When Enron Folded.

Usa Today Reports That The Number Of Death Row Executions This Year Has Hit A 35-year Low. They Attribute That To Dna Evidence Clearing More People And The Fact That Rick Perry Has Been On The Road Campaigning.

A Survey Released Today Found That Men Spend Twice As Much On Their Mistresses For Christmas As They Do On Their Wives. On The Other Hand, Men Spend Half Their Income On The Wives When The Wife Finds Out About The Mistress. So It All Balances Out.

Saddam Hussein Has Raised The Amount Going To Suicide Bombers From $10 Thousand Dollars To $25 Thousand. What's Next, A Health Care Plan?

U.n. Officials Said Today They Desperately Need $7 Billion To Help People Cope With Disasters, But They're Having A Hard Time Getting People To Send Rescue Money. Here's What The Un Should Do: Invest In Bad Mortgages, Run A Bank Into The Ground, Give Yourself A Bonus, Get Some Spa Treatments And, In No Time, The Government Will Send You $750 Billion.

There Was Another War-related Casualty Today. The French Were Injured When They Tried To Jump On Our Bandwagon.

The Sacramento Bee Is Reporting That Arnold Schwarzenegger Is Not Going To Run For Governor. You Know What Would Be Better? Arnold Should Do What He Does In The Terminator Movies. He Should Go Back In Time And Prevent Gray Davis From Ever Being Born. That Way You Wouldn't Have The Problem.

The Federal Government Said Today They've Begun Training Sessions For Airport Security Workers To Provide What They Call More Customer Satisfaction To The Travels, They Want To Make It Easier For Us. They're Instructing Security Guards To Glance At Your Luggage Tags So That They Can Call You By Your First Name. Isn't That Creepy? The Guy Touching Your Wife, Calling Her By Her First Name.

In Spite Of The Poor Economy, Almost 70 Percent Of Americans Occasionally Splurge On Luxury Items -- Like A Blanket On A Plane, Or A Peanut.

The White House Softball Team Played The Pro-marijuana Lobbyists' Team And Lost 25-3. Still No Word Yet On Which Side President Obama Played For.

Anybody Can Have A Life. Careers Are Hard To Come By.

First There's The Promise Ring, Then The Engagement Ring, Then The Wedding Ring... Soon After... Comes Suffer...ring!

9% Would Give Up Sex For The Remote Control. 91% Has Already Given Up Sex For The Remote Control!

Corporations Complained About [safety] Regulations, But Let's Face It, People Walk Away From Accidents Now That Would Have Killed Them When I Was A Kid

The Stock Market Was Down Today. Two Major Businesses Declared Bankruptcy, Consumer Spending Is At An All Time Low - In Other Words, Bush Is Back On The Job.

A Survey Asked Married Women When They Most Want To Have Sex. 84 Per Cent Of Them Said Right After Their Husband Is Finished.

According To Today's Los Angeles Times, Gray Davis Now Gets Negative Job Ratings From White People, Black People, Latinos, Republicans, Independents And Even Democrats. Say What You Want About The Guy But He's A Uniter!

The Ceo Of The Cheesecake Factory Is Now Warning That Obamacare Will Be Very Costly. Hey, The Cheesecake Factory Is One Of The Reasons We Need Obamacare In The First Place.

President Bush Says He Has Just One Question For The American Voters, 'is The Rich Person You're Working For Better Off Now Than They Were Four Years Ago?'

American Voters

The Report On Climate Change Said That Humans Are Very Likely Making The Planet Warmer. To Which Hillary Clinton Said, 'hey, Can't Blame Me For That One.'

More And More Facts Coming Out About Osama Bin Laden. You Know, He Never Sleeps In The Same Place Two Nights In A Row, Just Like Clinton.

The Best Way To Ruin A Comedy Is To Throw A Lot Of Money At It.

According To The Latest Poll, A Record 73 Percent Of Americans Think The Country Is Headed In The Wrong Direction. But The Good News: Gas Is So Expensive That We'll Never Get There.

Family Planning Experts Are Now Recommending Giving Men Vasectomy Gift Cards For The Holidays. Talk About Taking The Jingle Out Of The Bells.

In An Unlikely Pairing, Hillary Clinton Made An Appearance This Week With Newt Gingrich To Push A Health Care Plan. The Press Is Making A Big Deal Out This Thing With Newt But, Hey, If Anyone Knows How To Appear In Public With A Man She Can't Stand, It's Hillary.

A New Medical Study Reports That Men Who Eat Ten Pizzas A Week Are Less Likely To Develop Prostate Problems At Age 50. That's Because They Are Usually Dead By Age 40.

A Pakistan Businessman Is Claiming That John Walker Lindh Is Gay And That He Was His Lover. Say What You Will About Lindh, But When This Guy Goes To Play For The Other Team - He Goes All The Way ... So Lindh May Be Both A Terrorist And A Gay Man. That May Be John Ashcroft's Worst Nightmare.

China Is Now Expected To Surpass Japan As The 2nd Richest Country In The World. They Could Become The Richest, But That's Only If We Pay Them The Money We Owe Them, And That's Not Going To Happen.

Alaska Governor Sarah Palin Pardoned A Turkey, Though She Said She Was Amazed To Find Out That, Besides Being A Bird, Turkey Is Also A Country. Did You See That All Over The Internet Today? While Sarah Palin Was Pardoning A Turkey, Right Behind Her Was A Guy Slaughtering Turkeys. But, See, Like Most Internet Stories, A Little Half-true. Turns Out That, After A Couple Of Minutes Listening To Sarah Palin's Voice, The Turkeys Said 'kill Us Now.'

The White House Approved An Exemption In Obamacare Coverage For Congress And Members Of Their Staff. Members Complained That The Affordable Care Act Will Cost Them Thousands Extra A Year In Premiums. Wait A Minute. It's Their Bill. If It's Too Expensive, Why Did They Name It The Affordable Care Act?

John Kerry Described His Republican Critics As 'the Most Crooked, Lying Group I've Ever Seen.' Now, That's Saying Something, Because Kerry's Both A Lawyer And A Politician.

Michele Bachmann Said That If She Is Elected President, She Would Consider Eliminating The Department Of Education Because "the States Could Do A Gooder Job.

If You Don't Want Your Dog To Have Bad Breath, Do What I Do: Pour A Little Lavoris In The Toilet.

John Kerry's Victory Over Howard Dean Has Completely Changed The Presidential Race Around. Now Instead Of The Rich White Guy From Yale Who Lives In The White House Facing Off Against The Rich White Guy From Yale Who Lives In Vermont, He May Have To Face The Rich White Guy From Yale Who Lives In Massachusetts. It's A Whole Different Game.

President Bush Is Now Focusing On Jobs. I Think The One Job He's Focusing Most On Is His Own. The White House Is Now Backtracking From Its Prediction That 2.6 Million New Jobs Will Be Created In The U.s. This Year. They Say They Were Off By Roughly 2.6 Million Jobs.

Vice President Joe Biden Said Today That 'syria Must Be Held Accountable.' Unfortunately, The Obama Administration Has Never Employed An Accountant, So They Have No Idea How To Do That.

A New Poll Says That If The Election Were Held Today, Both John Kerry And John Edwards Would Beat President Bush By Double Digit Margins. The White House Is So Worried About This, They're Now Thinking Of Moving Up The Capture Of Osama Bin Laden To Next Month.

There Is A Penalty For Trying To Knock Down A Cockpit Door, But It's The People Who Try To Go From Coach To 1st Class They Really Beat Up.

Yesterday All Five Living Presidents Gathered For The Opening Of The George W. Bush Presidential Library In Dallas. Well, Six Living Presidents If You Count Hillary In 2016.

President Obama Is Currently On A Week-long Trip To Africa, Where He Will Promote Freedom, Democracy, And Economic Opportunity. I Guess He Figured It Hasn't Worked Here - So Try It Somewhere Else.

When You Work With Your Hands, You Learn To Appreciate How Easy It Is To Earn Money Talking.

Before They Went On Vacation, Congress Voted To Exempt Themselves From Obamacare. They Gave Themselves A Special Exemption Because They Thought It Was Too Expensive. So The People Who Voted For Obamacare For Us Voted To Exempt Themselves From It. You Know How Doctors Take The Hippocratic Oath. Congress Apparently Takes The 'hypocritic Oath.'

Well, 'don't Ask, Don't Tell' Is Back - Not For Gays In The Military. It's President Obama's New Policy For Questions About Libya. Don't Ask, Don't Tell.

Today, You Get Better Performance From A Ford Focus Than A Ferrari From The Mid-70s. [the Focus] Is Just As Fast And With Better Fuel Economy. It's Fun To See Supercar Technology Trickle Down To Everyday Cars.

Bush Fell Off His Bike While Mountain Biking On His Ranch Over The Weekend. He Hit A Rough Spot In The Trail. There's A Switch - The Environment Hurting Bush.

Last Week Convicted Enron Crook Ken Lay Died Of A Heart Attack. They Announced They Were Going To Cremate Him. Where He's Going, Why Bother?.

Ashcroft Went On To Say That Our Way Of Life Is Being Threatened By A Group Of Radical Religious Fanatics Who Are Armed And Dangerous. And Then He Called For Prayers In The Schools And An End To Gun Control.

Oh, Here's Your Tax Dollars At Work. This Is What Makes People Furious. The Head Of The Gsa, A Woman Named Martha Johnson, Has Resigned After They Found Out She Spent Over $830,000 On A Four-day Government Conference In Las Vegas. And The President Is Furious. Not President Obama, The President Of China. It's His Money. It's His Money She Spent.

Experts Say That If We Go To War With Iraq, Oil Could Reach As Much As $80 A Barrel. Of Course, After The War It Will Be Free.

Bob Dole Revealed He Is One Of The Test Subjects For Viagra. He Said On Larry King, 'i Wish I Had Bought Stock In It.' Only A Republican Would Think The Best Part Of Viagra Is The Fact That You Could Make Money Off Of It.

Today The Justice Department Released E-mails Where Walker Criticized America. In The E-mails He Said He Never Wanted To Set Foot In America Again. See, That's The Good Part About Hanging Somebody. Their Feet Don't Touch The Ground.

Another Air Traffic Controller Fell Asleep On The Job, But He Had A Good Excuse. He Was Watching President Obama’s Deficit Speech.

This Is A Strange Country We Live In. When It Comes To Electing A President, We Get Two Choices. But When We Have To Select A Miss America, We Get 50.

It Is Said That Life Begins When The Fetus Can Exist Apart From Its Mother. By This Definition, Many People In Hollywood Are Legally Dead.

I Flew This Past Weekend. I Went Through Airport Security And Said To The Guy, 'is Everything Okay?' He Said, 'you Might Want To Have That Mole On Your Ass Checked Out.' That Seems A Little Personal To Me.

It Seems That Researchers At Colorado University Say Wine May Help People Lose Weight. It's Not The Wine Directly That Causes The Weight Loss, It's All The Walking Around You Do Trying To Find Your Car.

I Tried To Log On To The Obamacare Website Today. I Don't Think I'm Doing It Right. I Lost 300 Bucks Playing Texas Hold 'em.

According To A New Report, More Than 700 Fake Obamacare Websites Have Been Created. Security Experts Say It's Simple To Identify The Phony Sites Because They Are Easy To Log On To.

You Know, It Shows How Old I Am. I Can Remember The Good Old Days When The President Picked The Supreme Court Justices Instead Of The Other Way Around.

Kerry Was Here In Los Angeles. He Was Courting The Spanish Vote By Speaking Spanish. And He Showed People He Could Be Boring In Two Languages.

Speaking Spanish

Herman Cain Told A Group Of Occupy Wall Street Protesters To Go Home, Get A Job, And Get A Life. That's The Republican Version Of Hope And Change, Ladies And Gentlemen.

Kerry Has Already Begun His Search For A Running Mate. They Say That Because John Edwards Still Has $50 Million In Campaign Money, Kerry Might Pick Him. Pick Him? Hey, For $50 Million, Kerry Will Marry Him.

The Fbi Announced Today That They Are Now Looking For Osama Bin Laden's Financial Adviser. You Think This Guy Is In Demand. How Good Can He Be? His Top Client Is Living In A Cave And Driving A Donkey. It Doesn't Sound Like He Is Getting The Best Return On His Investments To Me.

New Year's Eve, Where Auld Acquaintance Be Forgot. Unless, Of Course, Those Tests Come Back Positive.

Tonight Was The Cnn Primary Debate With The Four Remaining Candidates. It Was Kind Of A Change For Newt Gingrich. Usually When He's Arguing With Three People At Once, It's His Wife, His Ex-wife, And His Mistress.

I'm Trying To Sum Up President Obama's First 11 Months In Office. He Gave Billions To Wall Street, Cracked Down On Illegal Immigrants Getting Health Care, And He's Sending 30,000 More Troops To Afghanistan. You Know Something, He May Go Down In History As Our Greatest Republican President Ever.

I Was Watching Discovery Channel The Other Day, And You Know That They Have Come Up With A New Theory About How Dinosaurs Was Wiped Out? It Was A Midturn Election.

If You're A Car Salesman, And Someone Says "this Is A Terrible Car, I'm Not Buying It," It Doesn't Mean They Hate You. They Just Don't Like Your Product. I Think That's A Mistake A Lot Of People In Show Business Make.. They're So Tied To Their Act They Take Everything Personally.

A Lot Of People Are Now Criticizing Attorney General John Ashcroft For His Policy On Detaining What He Considers Suspicious People. I Think He's Going A Little Overboard. Today, He Arrested The Entire Band Foreigner.

Well, Joe Biden Has Done It Again. He Showed Up At The White House Passover Seder With A Bunch Of Ham Sandwiches.

When You Do Late-night Tv, You Do Different Jokes In The Same Place Every Night. When You're On The Road As A Comedian, You Do The Same Jokes In A Different Place Every Night.

Do You Realize That The Bush Administration Has Now Produced More Gay Marriages Than Jobs?

What's The Difference Between Lindsay Lohan And Rick Perry? It Only Takes Lindsay Four And A Half Hours To Finish A Sentence.

President Bush Has Urged People To Get Back To Normal And Today Congress Announced That They Are Accepting Bribes Again.

President James Garfield Could Write In Latin With One Hand While Writing In Greek With The Other. I Would Give My Right Arm To Be Ambidextrous.

President Bush Has Unveiled His First Campaign Commercial, Highlighting All Of His Accomplishes In Office. That's Why It's A 60-second Spot.

Jesse Jackson's Wife Was Arrested In Puerto Rico While Protesting The Naval Bombings There. Jesse Said He Was Holding A Meeting With Four Of His Secretaries To Decide What To Do And That These Meetings Could Run Well Into The Night.

Now, I Have A Halloween Mask I Think You Might Get A Kick Out Of. That's Scary.

John Kerry Went Hunting Today. He Said He Killed A Goose. He Didn't Bring Teresa Along Because He Was A Little Rusty And He Was Afraid He Might Kill The Goose That Laid The Golden Egg.

Scientists In Australia Are Working On Making Biodegradable Car Parts Out Of Hemp. This Might Get Confusing. When Someone Says, Roll Up The Window, They Might Mean, Roll Up The Window!

When President Chirac Gave [president] Bush A Souvenir Statue Of The Eiffel Tower... Bush Said 'this Is Great! A Little Oil Rig!'

The Olympics Start On Friday, And Russia Is Implementing The Most Intensive Security In Olympics History. During The Games, The Government Will Monitor Every Email, Every Social Media Message, And Listen In On Every Phone Call. In Fact, People Are Even Comparing Russia To The United States, That's How Bad It Is.

One Of The Interpreters Hired By Cbs For The Dan Rather/saddam Hussein Interview Adopted A Phony Arabic Accent. You Know, Maybe Cbs Should Have Hired Somebody With A Fake Dan Rather Accent To Ask Tougher Questions.

I Don't Want To Say Gray Davis Is On The Run, But Today He Released An Audiotape On The Al Jazeera Network From His Underground Bunker Somewhere In The Sacramento Area.

The Crime Problem In New York Is Getting Really Serious. The Other Day The Statue Of Liberty Had Both Hands Up.

The French Announced Today That They Would Not Help Us Remove Saddam From Iraq. Well Duh! They Didn't Even Help Us Remove Hitler From France.

It's Not Called Cocaine Any More. It's Now Referred To As Crack Classic.

The Obama Administration Asked General Motors Ceo Rick Wagoner To Step Down, And He Agreed. This Is Good News For Obama; The Last Time He Tried To Get Someone To Quit, It Took Months -- And Even Then, He Had To Promise Her A Job As Secretary Of State. ... According To The Government, Rick Wagoner Was Forced To Resign Because Of Poor Performance. That's Embarrassing -- Run An Organization That Loses Billions Of Dollars And Then Get Fired By A Guy Who Heads Up An Organization That Loses Trillions Of Dollars.

The New England Journal Of Medicine Reports That 9 Out Of 10 Doctors Agree That 1 Out Of 10 Doctors Is An Idiot.

People Made A Big Deal Out Of The Fact This Is The First Time A Sitting President Has Done A Late-night Show. We Tried To Have Other Presidents On, But President Bush Went To Bed Every Night At 9:00. And President Clinton Always Seemed To Have Other Late-night Plans.

Sarah Palin Has Admitted She Tried Marijuana Several Years Ago, But She Did Not Like It. She Said It Distorted Her Perceptions, Impaired Her Thinking, And She's Hoping That The Effects Will Eventually Wear Off.

Republican Presidential Hopeful Mike Hucka-bs Is Attacking Actress Natalie Portman For Getting Pregnant Without Being Married. It Could Get A Little Awkward If He Runs Into Sarah And Bristol Palin At Fox News.

As They Do Every Year, Al-qaida Has Threatened To Disrupt And Ruin Christmas. You Know, We Already Have A Group That Disrupts And Ruins Christmas Every Year. They're Called Relatives.

How Would It Be If We Discovered That Aliens Only Stopped By Earth To Let Their Kids Take A Leak?

In His Annual Economic Report To Congress President Bush Said That The Transfer Of American Jobs Overseas Is Actually Part Of A Positive Transformation That Will Enrich The U.s. Economy Over Time. So Basically, Losing Your Job To Someone Else Can Be A Good Thing. Of Course We'll See How He Feels About That In November.

Some Democrats Say The Estimated $60 Billion Dollar Cost Of A War With Iraq Could Be Better Spent At Home. When He Heard That, President Bush Agreed And Announced Plans To Bomb Ohio.

President Obama Signed A Bill Preventing Members Of Congress From Profiting From Insider Trading. Didn't You Think That Was Already Illegal?

With The Presidential Debates Right Around The Corner, John Kerry Is Going To Play Mitt Romney To Help The President Prepare For The Debates. That's Kind Of A Stretch; A Rich White Guy From Massachusetts Playing A Rich White Guy From Massachusetts.

Bp Ceo Tony Hayward Said He Would Just Like To Get His Life Back. He Wants To Get His Life Back. You Know, I Say Give Him Life Plus 20.

President Obama Is Coming Under Criticism Now For Not Meeting With His Jobs Council. He Hasn't Met With His Jobs Council In Over Six Months. You Know The Reason Obama Hasn't Met With His Job Council In Six Months? They're All Out Looking For Jobs.

A New Study Shows That The Child Population In San Francisco Is Dwindling And In Fact San Francisco Has The Smallest Share Of Children Of Any Major City In The United States. That's Odd, Huh? For Some Reason Couples In San Francisco Don't Seem To Be Reproducing As Much As Couples In Other Cities. Gee, I Wonder What The Problem Is There? You Think It Might Be Something In The Rice-a-roni?

Donald Trump Says He’s President Obama’s Worst Nightmare. That’s Not True. Having To Make A Decision Is Obama’s Worst Nightmare.

Worst Nightmares

The Nfl Draft Is Going To Be This Thursday. That's A Huge Night For College Players. That's The Night They Start Being Paid Over The Table.

The Democratic Convention Is $27 Million In Debt. They Had To Cancel The Kick-off Event At The Charlotte Motor Speedway. A Speedway Is The Perfect Place For The Democratic Convention. You Go Around In Circles, Turn Left Every Few Seconds, And You End Up Right Where You Started.

Clinton Vetoed The Repeal Of The Marriage Tax. I Guess Bill Figures If He's Married, Then We All Have To Suffer.

The Reason There Are Two Senators For Each State Is So That One Can Be The Designated Driver.

The Heaviest Snowfall In Over 60 Years Is Being Reported In Beijing, China. To Give You An Idea Of How Bad It Is, The Army Is Now Using Snowplows To Run Over Dissidents.

I Went Into A Mcdonald's Yesterday And Said, 'i'd Like Some Fries.' The Girl At The Counter Said, 'would You Like Some Fries With That?'

A Lot Of Congressmen Yesterday Were Upset When Kenneth Lay Took The Fifth. Lay Said It Wasn't His Fault. He Had Planned On Testifying, But When Jeffrey Skilling Testified, He Took All The Really Good Lies.

Al Jazeera Aired A New Tape Of Osama Bin Laden. It Was The Usual Stuff, He Called Bush Evil, The Great Satan, Called Him A War Monger. Basically, The Same Thing You Heard At Last Night's Democratic Debate.

President Obama Was In Disney World Today Where He Unveiled His New Plan To Create Jobs. He Was Joined By Mickey Mouse And Minnie Mouse But Not Goofy. He Had To Stay Behind To Tend To His Vice Presidential Duties.

Yesterday President Obama Said, 'we Can't Continue To Treat Tax Money Like Monopoly Money.' Oh Really - How Come All Those Guys On Wall Street Got 'get Out Of Jail Free' Cards?

In People Magazine, Madonna Said Her Life Has Been Exhausting Since She Started Her World Tour. She Said There Isn't A Second Of Her Life That Isn't Taken Up Looking After Her Family Or Thinking Of Her Show - Her Day Is Filled With Problems Of Work And Family. Someone Should Tell Her, Everyone Else Calls That, Life.

There Is A Nationwide Shortage Of Drugs For Attention Deficit Disorder. The Fda Says They're Not Sure How It Happened. I Guess Somebody Wasn't Paying Attention.

Last Night, We Had The First Gubernatorial Debate. Some People Are Criticizing Schwarzenegger For Not Going. They Say Arnold Goes Around Telling People He Cares, Everything Is Going To Be Great, Forget About Everything He Did In The '70s. Hey, It Worked For George Bush.

You're Not Famous Until My Mother Has Heard Of You.

George W. Bush Loves Golf Because It's Like The Election--low Score Wins.

I Don't Know Why It's So Hard To Believe Women. You To Go Saudi Arabia And You Need Two Women To Testify Against A Man. Here You Need 25.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Made His Tax Returns Public, [and] Now There's A Problem About Him Stretching The Truth. Apparently Under Occupation He Put Down 'actor.'

So, It's Pretty Crazy. Look, We're Bailing Out Wall Street, We're Bailing Out Banks, We're Bailing Out Car Companies. In Fact, Did You Know There's A Special Box On Your Tax Form This Year You Can Check If You Want A Portion Of Your Taxes To Actually Go To Running The Government?

If Any Job Should Give You A Company Car, It's The Car Bomb Business.

Republicans Are Now Saying That Dan Rather Should Lose His Job Because He Misled The Country With Bogus Information. Which Is Odd Because The Democrats Are Saying The Exact Same Thing About President Bush.

For The First Time The People Of Iraq Are United. Today On Cnn I Saw A Kurd, A Shiite And A Member Of The Republican Guard Coming Together To Cart Off A Big Screen Tv.

A Man In Florida Has Been Arrested For Wearing A President Obama Mask While Robbing A Mcdonald's. To Show You How Good This Guy's Disguise Was, Instead Of A Holdup Note He Was Reading From A Teleprompter.

Enron Is Now Officially Out Of The Energy Business. They Are Now In A New Business: Confetti.

Howard Dean Dropped Out Of The Race Today. At Least He Can't Claim His Voice Wasn't Heard.

President Bush And Bill Clinton Both Agree That Cloning Is Morally Wrong. Clinton Said That He Thinks Humans Should Be Made The Old-fashioned Way - Liquored Up In A Cheap Hotel Room.

Trending Author

James Lee Burke

Morena Baccarin

Caroline B. Cooney

Category