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I'm Trying To Sum Up President Obama's First 11 Months In Office. He Gave Billions To Wall Street, Cracked Down On Illegal Immigrants Getting Health Care, And He's Sending 30,000 More Troops To Afghanistan. You Know Something, He May Go Down In History As Our Greatest Republican President Ever.

-Jay Leno

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I'm Trying To Sum

Jay Leno

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I'm Trying To Sum Up President Obama's First 11 Months In Office. He Gave Billions To Wall Street, Cracked Down On Illegal Immigrants Getting Health Care, And He's Sending 30,000 More Troops To Afghanistan. You Know Something, He May Go Down In History As Our Greatest Republican President Ever.

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Obama Called On Americans To Have More Grandchildren. Probably So There's More Of Them To Pay Off Our Debt.

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Nissan Is Designing A Car That Will Read The Driver's Mind. I Already Know What I'm Going To Do. I Want A Car That Will Read The Other Guy's Mind.

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Astronomers Have Discovered A Planet That Is Twice The Size Of Earth And Made Of Diamonds. President Obama Says The Planet May Be Inhabited By Aliens Not Paying Their Fair Share.

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Two Americans Have Been Awarded The Nobel Prize For Economics. They Are The First To Figure Out All The Charges On Their Telephone Bill.

Barack Obama Now Says He Is Open To Offshore Oil Drilling. So, Apparently, When He Promised Change, He Was Talking About His Mind.

Jesse Jackson's Wife Was Arrested In Puerto Rico While Protesting The Naval Bombings There. Jesse Said He Was Holding A Meeting With Four Of His Secretaries To Decide What To Do And That These Meetings Could Run Well Into The Night.

The New England Journal Of Medicine Reports That 9 Out Of 10 Doctors Agree That 1 Out Of 10 Doctors Is An Idiot.

President Obama Said He Plans On Training 10,000 New Math And Science Teachers. How About Teaching Math To That Economic Team Of His?

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According To A Recent Survey, Men Say The First Thing They Notice About Women Is Their Eyes. And Women Say The First Thing They Notice About Men Is They're A Bunch Of Liars.

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Hillary Clinton Is Getting A Little Bit Of Controversy Because She Has The Most Expensive Hometown Office Rent - Over $500,000 A Year. She's In A One-year Lease In The Office, As Opposed To Her Marriage, Which Is On A Month-to-month.

Con Artists Are Using Obamacare Confusion To Sign People Up For Fake Health Insurance. The Scammers Lure Victims With False Promises Like, 'if You Like Your Healthcare Plan, You Can Keep Your Healthcare Plan.' The Scammers Will Tell You That, So You Have To Be Careful.

There Is A New Book Out About Hillary Clinton That Claims Bill Is Still Having Affairs But Hillary Continues To Look The Other Way. The Only Problem Is When Hillary Does Look The Other Way Bill's Having Sex With A Women Over There Too.

According To The British Journal Of Psychiatry, Marijuana Can Cause Panic Attacks. I Don't Know . . . The Only Time I Have Ever Seen A Marijuana User Look Panicky Is When They Are Out Of Marijuana.

"i Am Not Just Another Notch On Your Belt?" She Asked Him. "of Course Not." He Said As He Put A Mark On The Chalkboard.

For The First Time The People Of Iraq Are United. Today On Cnn I Saw A Kurd, A Shiite And A Member Of The Republican Guard Coming Together To Cart Off A Big Screen Tv.

President Bush Said The Other Day The War Is Not About Timetables. It's About Winning. Hey, It Worked In Florida.

According To A New Report, More Than 700 Fake Obamacare Websites Have Been Created. Security Experts Say It's Simple To Identify The Phony Sites Because They Are Easy To Log On To.

Everyone Is So Concerned Now Where All Of The Candidates Are Born. Mccain Was Born On A Military Base In Panama. Hillary Was Born Outside Chicago, And If You Believe The Media, Barack Obama Was Born In A Manger.

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Enron Is Now Officially Out Of The Energy Business. They Are Now In A New Business: Confetti.

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President Obama Is Asking Congress To Support A Military Strike In Syria. If They Approve, It Will Be The First Time Congress Has Officially Declared War Since Obamacare.

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The White House Has Now Released Military Documents That They Say Prove George Bush Met His Requirements For The National Guard. Big Deal, We've Got Documents That Prove Al Gore Won The Election.

The Obama Administration Has Admitted That Under Obamacare, You Might Not Be Able To Keep Your Doctor. At First The President Guaranteed You'd Be Able To Keep Your Doctor, And Now They're Saying You 'might' Be Able To. Today Obama Changed His Slogan From 'yes We Can' To 'perhaps We Could Try. Can't Promise Anything.'

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President Obama’s Approval Ratings Are So Low Now, Kenyans Are Accusing Him Of Being Born In The United States.

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A Lot Of Congressmen Yesterday Were Upset When Kenneth Lay Took The Fifth. Lay Said It Wasn't His Fault. He Had Planned On Testifying, But When Jeffrey Skilling Testified, He Took All The Really Good Lies.

Former Vice President Al Gore Starring In A New Documentary About Global Warming. I Believe It's Called [leno Snores]. ... The Film Actually Features Al Gore And Explores His Journey On How He First Got Interested In Temperature Change. It Started Back When He Was Vice President. He Noticed How The Temperature Would Change, Like Whenever Bill Would Walk Into The Room, It Would Get Warm And Whenever Hillary Walked Into The Room, It Got Cold.

Here Is A Very Inexpensive Costume Idea. Wear A Re-elect Obama Button And Go Out As A Journalist.

The Houston Astros Want To Change The Name Of Enron Field Where They Play. I Guess The Enron Name Could Cause Problems For Them. Like Players Could Steal A Base And Then Deny It.

The United States Military Is Now Using The Music Of Metallica And Other Heavy Metal Bands To Break The Will Of Saddam Hussein Supporters To Get Them To Talk. Theyre Blaring Heavy Metal Music At Them. That Should Make The Artist Feel Pretty Good, Huh? Put Your Heart And Soul Into Your Last Cd And The Army Is Using It To Torture People.

Hillary Clinton Said She Hopes America Is Ready For A Woman In The Oval Office. That Was The Great Thing About Her Husband Bill: He Was Always Ready For A Woman In The Oval Office.

U.n. Weapons Inspectors Found Empty Chemical Warheads In Iraq. So, The Question Everyone Is Asking Now Is How Did Sean Penn Miss This?

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A Survey Has Shown That The Average Man Has Had Sex In A Car 15 Times. Something To Keep In Mind Next Time You're Looking For A Used Car.

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More Coming Out About Saddam Hussein. We Now Know He Takes Viagra And He Has As Many As Six Mistresses. No Wonder Congress Is Reluctant To Take Action Against This Guy - He's One Of Their Own.

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President James Garfield Could Write In Latin With One Hand While Writing In Greek With The Other. I Would Give My Right Arm To Be Ambidextrous.

They Were Going Crazy In Kansas. People Were Up To 9 P.m. I Think That Was The Greatest Thing To Happen To Kansas Since The Eradication Of The Boll Weevil.

The Federal Government Said Today They've Begun Training Sessions For Airport Security Workers To Provide What They Call More Customer Satisfaction To The Travels, They Want To Make It Easier For Us. They're Instructing Security Guards To Glance At Your Luggage Tags So That They Can Call You By Your First Name. Isn't That Creepy? The Guy Touching Your Wife, Calling Her By Her First Name.

A New Poll Shows That Americans Now Believe That Bill Clinton Is More Honest Than President Bush. At Least When Clinton Screwed The Nation, He Did It One Person At A Time.

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Tonight The Republican Presidential Candidates Had A Big Debate, 10 Candidates. The Last Time That Many Rich White Guys Got Together, I Think Exxon Merged With Mobil.

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According To A New Study, Botox Injections Can Help Back Pain. So You See, That's Why John Kerry Had All That Botox - His Back Was Killing Him From All That Flip-flopping On Issues.

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Scientists Think They Can Now Clone An All-white Zebra. Now, I'm No Expert, But Isn't That A Horse?

Enron's President, Ken Lay, Passed Away Last Week. So, I Guess Even God Lost Money On That Enron Deal. I Believe The Official Cause Of Death Was Listed As "karma." The Family Asked In Lieu Of Flowers, Please Send Some Elderly Retiree's Entire Life Savings.

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Barack Obama Said Yesterday That The Economy Was 'going To Get Worse Before It Gets Better.' See, That's When You Know The Campaign Is Really Over. Remember Before The Election? 'the Audacity Of Hope!' 'yes, We Can!' 'a Change We Can Believe In!' Now It's, 'we're All Screwed.'

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The Report On Climate Change Said That Humans Are Very Likely Making The Planet Warmer. To Which Hillary Clinton Said, 'hey, Can't Blame Me For That One.'

According To The Washington Post, The Nsa Has Been Monitoring Phone Calls And Emails Of People In Mexico. So Apparently It's Not Enough To Spy On American Citizens, They Feel They Have To Spy On Future American Citizens As Well.

In A Speech Earlier Today President Bush Said If Iraq Gets Rid Of Saddam Hussein, He Will Help The Iraqi People With Food, Medicine, Supplies, Housing, Education - Anything That's Needed. Isn't That Amazing? He Finally Comes Up With A Domestic Agenda - And It's For Iraq. Maybe We Could Bring That Here If It Works Out.

I Don't Mean To Harp On This, But It's Like The Networks Are A How-to Manual For Terrorists. You See Them On The News. This Reporter Is Standing Outside A Water Treatment Plant, Going, 'if They Poured The Poison Here It Could Wipe Out Thousands Because The Guard Is Off Duty From Noon Until 1 Every Day!'

Presidential Democratic Front-runner Howard Dean Admitted To Chris Matthews On The 'hardball' Show That He Got Out Of The Draft Because Of A Bad Back. He Had A Curvature Of The Spine. Apparently It Curved Too Far To The Left.

I Went To See That Movie 'from Hell,' Or As Osama Bin Laden Calls It - 'roots.'

Osama Bin Laden

According To The Latest L.a. Times Poll, 75% Of Californians Believe The Country Is Headed In The Wrong Direction. And 60% Of Californians Are So Disillusioned, They're Thinking About Moving Back To Mexico.

The Reason There Are Two Senators For Each State Is So That One Can Be The Designated Driver.

Senator John Kerry Released His Plan Today To Eliminate The Deficit. He Said All We Have To Do Is Find A Really Rich Country Like Switzerland And Marry It.

According To A New Book Coming Out By A Pulitzer Prize-winning Author, Apparently When He Was In High School, President Obama Smoked Large Amounts Of Marijuana. You Know What That Means? He Could Be Our First Green President.

While Visiting Kenya, Former President Clinton Was Offered 40 Goats And 20 Cows For His Daughter, Chelsea, By A Love Struck Government Official. Bill Said, "no Way!" How Does That Make Hillary Feel? Bill Almost Gave Her Up For One Cow.

It's Just A Matter Of Time Before We Go Into Iraq And Get Saddam Hussein. I Think Just Before Bush Falls Below 50 Percent, That's When We'll Be Going.

President Obama Had Lunch With Republican Leaders At The White House Today And Had To Do Without Salt, Pepper And Butter. Not For Dietary Reasons. The Republicans Refused To Pass Anything.

There Are Over 30 Doctors Running For The Us Congress This Year. That's Going To Be Rather Strange. Half The Time These Folks Will Be Playing God And Asking Women To Take Their Clothes Off And The Other Half The Time They Will Be Doctors.

An Intruder Broke Into Mike Tyson's Hotel Room In Las Vegas While He Was Sleeping But Got Out Before Tyson Could Get To Him. I Don't Know What's Scarier. Having Someone Breaking Into Your Room While You're Sleeping Or Breaking Into Someone Else's Room And Finding Out The Guy Is Mike Tyson.

With Halloween Coming This Weekend, They Say Not One Person In The Country Is Planning To Dress Up As Governor Sarah Palin. You Know Why? ... The Costume Costs $150,000.

The Obama Administration Asked General Motors Ceo Rick Wagoner To Step Down, And He Agreed. This Is Good News For Obama; The Last Time He Tried To Get Someone To Quit, It Took Months -- And Even Then, He Had To Promise Her A Job As Secretary Of State. ... According To The Government, Rick Wagoner Was Forced To Resign Because Of Poor Performance. That's Embarrassing -- Run An Organization That Loses Billions Of Dollars And Then Get Fired By A Guy Who Heads Up An Organization That Loses Trillions Of Dollars.

The Latest Report Is That Osama Bin Laden Has Shaved His Beard, Is Wearing Western Clothes And Has Had Plastic Surgery. Isn't That Amazing? The Guy Has Made Just Two Videos And He's Already Gone Hollywood.

Rick Perry Told Reporters This Week That He Has A Permit To Carry A Concealed Handgun. He Also Has A Concealed Vocabulary, Concealed Knowledge Of The Issues, Concealed Tolerance.

Yesterday, President-elect Barack Obama Announced His New Economic Team. You Know What He Should Do? Hire Those People Who Were In Charge Of His Fundraising Campaign. We Can Pay This Thing Off In Like A Week.

The Republicans Finally Got Some Good News Over The Weekend. The North Koreans Set Off A Nuclear Bomb. Thank God. It Was So Powerful It Knocked The Mark Foley Story Right Off The Front Page. And Knocked Him Off The Page He Was On, Too.

A Congressman Actually Apologized To Bp's Ceo For The Way The Company Has Been Treated. How Stupid Are You When The Ceo Of Bp Is In The Room And People Think You're The Moron?

Inauguration Security Was Tighter Than Kirstie Alley In A Pair Of Spandex Pants.

Dean's Wife, Judith Steinberg, Made A Rare Appearance With Dean. She's A Doctor, So I Guess They Brought Her In To Stop The Hemorrhaging.

(the Weakest Link) Is Fascinating Program. They Ask A Bunch Of People Questions And They Keep Getting Rid Of The Dumbest Person, So Just The Smartest Person Is Left. It Is Kind Of The Opposite Way We Elect A President.

The Crime Problem In New York Is Getting Really Serious. The Other Day The Statue Of Liberty Had Both Hands Up.

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Mcdonald's Announced That It's Considering A More Humane Way Of Slaughtering Its Animals. You Know They Fatten Them Up And Then Kill Them. You Know The Same Thing They Do To Their Customers, Isn't It?

The Nation's Largest Savings And Loan, Washington Mutual, Has Become The Biggest Bank Failure In History. See, The Problem With The Savings And Loans? Not Enough Savings, Too Many Stupid Loans, Okay In Fact, They Changed Their Name From Wamu To 'screw You.'

Jesse Jackson Also Said He Thought Barack Obama Was Talking Down To Black People By Lecturing Them On Things Like Fatherhood And Being A Responsible Husband. Jesse Thought It Was Insulting, Not Only To Him, But To His Former Mistress And Their Love Child.

Texas Governor Rick Perry Said God Is Calling On Him To Run For President. But Michele Bachmann Said That God Is Calling On Her To Run For President. You Know, If God Is That Indecisive, He's Probably For Mitt Romney!

A New Poll Says That If The Election Were Held Today, Both John Kerry And John Edwards Would Beat President Bush By Double Digit Margins. The White House Is So Worried About This, They're Now Thinking Of Moving Up The Capture Of Osama Bin Laden To Next Month.

The Globe Reports That North Korean Dictator Kim Jong-il Raises Money By Selling Fake Viagra Pills. What It Is About This Guy? None Of His Missiles Seem To Launch.

Howard Dean Dropped Out Of The Race Today. At Least He Can't Claim His Voice Wasn't Heard.

Rick Perry Unveiled His New Tax Plan. He Says He Wants A Flat Tax. He Believes That Tax Should Be Flat, Just Like The Earth.

American Taliban John Walker Lindh Has Pleaded Guilty To Two Counts Of Terrorism And Will Face Twenty Years In Prison. I Guess That Means His Jihad Is On Ji-hold.

They Determined Who Got The First Question By A Coin Toss, To Which Sarah Palin Said, 'oh, What A Coincidence, That's How I Got Picked.'

Researchers In England Say Tall Men Are More Likely To Have More Children Than Short Men. Here In America We Call That The Nba Theory.

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Yesterday, Saddam Hussein Got 100 Percent Of The Vote. Well, That's According To Saddam's Campaign Manager, Jeb Hussein.

Anyway, A Spokesman For Barack Obama Says The Prisoners That Are Released From Guantanamo Will Either Be Sent Back To Their Home Countries Or Enter The New York City Cab Driver Training Program.

Forty Million Americans Smoked Marijuana; The Only Ones Who Didn’t Like It Were Judge Ginsberg, Clarence Thomas And Bill Clinton.

I Tell You, The Economy Is In Bad Shape. In Fact, The Economy Is So Bad, President Barack Obama's New Slogan Is 'spare Change You Can Believe In.'

Britney Spears Told An Interviewer If She Weren't Famous, She Would Be A Teacher. So Thank God She's Famous.

President Obama Admitted This Week That A Former Girlfriend That He Wrote About In His Autobiography Was Made Up And Not A Real Person . . . So Obama Had An Imaginary Girlfriend. Big Deal! He Had An Imaginary Economic Plan. It’s All The Same.

French Troops Arrived In Afghanistan Last Week, And Not A Minute Too Soon. The French Are Acting As Advisers To The Taliban, To Teach Them How To Surrender Properly.

Not A Good Night For President Obama. He Lost Elections In Virginia, New Jersey, And He's Not Doing Good In Afghanistan Either.

Iraq Began Destroying Those Missiles They Don't Have Over The Weekend. See, President Bush May Be The Smartest Military President In History. First, He Gets Iraq To Destroy All Of Their Own Weapons. Then He Declares War.

Texas Gov. Rick Perry Referred To The Mexican City Of Juarez As The Most Dangerous City In America. In His Defense, He Probably Just Thought It Was An American City Because There Were So Many Mexicans There.

John Kerry Accused President Bush Of Catering To The Rich. You Know, As Opposed To John Kerry Who Just Marries Them.

Donald Trump Said He Will Not Decide About A Possible Run For The Presidency Until After The Current Season Of Celebrity Apprentice Wraps Up. Say What You Want About Trump, At Least This Guy Has His Priorities In Order. He Doesn't Want To Let Actual Reality Get In The Way Of His Reality Show.

Apparently, Osama Bin Laden Was Killed With Money And Phone Numbers Sewn Into His Clothing. So We Got Him Right Before He Left For Summer Camp.

A Petition To Have Justin Bieber Deported Got Over 100,000 Signatures, Which Means The White House Now Has To Legally Rule On It. So Finally A Chance For Obama To Issue An Executive Order That Both Republicans And Democrats Can Agree On.

The Supreme Court Has Ruled That Anybody Can Be Strip-searched For Any Kind Of Arrest. That's Something To Think About The Next Time You Bring 12 Items Into A 10-item-or-less Lane.

A Dead Body Was Discovered This Week On The Grounds Of A Country Estate Owned By Queen Elizabeth. The Queen Said Today She Hopes This Serves As A Reminder To Anybody On Her Staff That There Is A Right Way And A Wrong Way To Polish Sterling Silver.

Former U.s. House Majority Leader, Tom Delay, Has Been Sentenced To Three Years In Prison. One Year For Money Laundering And Two More For His Performance On 'dancing With The Stars.'

Majority Leader

A Hiker Who Was Lost In A Blizzard Said He Stayed Alive By Digging A Snow Tunnel And Burning Dollar Bills For Warmth. Today He Was Offered A Job As President Obama's Economic Adviser.

Neural Scientists At M.i.t. Say They Can Plant False Memories In Your Brain. No, That Is Not New. Politicians Have Been Doing That For Years. They’re Called Campaign Promises.

The Catholic Church Is Still Very Angry About The Da Vinci Code - They Don't Like Anything That Makes More Money In A Weekend Than They Do.

As You Know, John Mccain Is An Older, White-haired Man Who Has Been In The Senate For Over Twenty Years, Voted For The Iraq War, And Said Barack Obama Did Not Have The Experience To Be President. I'm Sorry, That's Our Intro For Next Week When Joe Biden Is On, I Got Confused.

According To A New Survey, 90% Of Men Say Their Lover Is Also Their Best Friend. Which Is Really Kind Of Disturbing When You Consider Man's Best Friend Is His Dog.

The Fbi Announced Today That They Are Now Looking For Osama Bin Laden's Financial Adviser. You Think This Guy Is In Demand. How Good Can He Be? His Top Client Is Living In A Cave And Driving A Donkey. It Doesn't Sound Like He Is Getting The Best Return On His Investments To Me.

A Historic Operation Occurred Over In Boston. Doctors Successfully Transplanted Tissue From A Pig's Brain To A Man's Brain -- And The Man's Brain Did Not Reject It. That Pretty Much Confirms What Women Have Been Saying About Men.

Big Scandal On The New 'survivor' Series. The White, The Black And The Hispanic Teams Were Caught Cheating Off The Asian Team.

If Politicians All Told The Truth, We'd Be Out Of Business.

Here's An Uplifting Story. Congratulations To The Little League Team From Huntington Beach, California. Yeah, They Beat Japan To Win The Little League World Series. That's Pretty Good. See, That Proves That When Math And Science Aren't Involved, Our Kids Can Beat Anybody.

A Second Homeland Security Official Has Been Arrested, A 49-year-old Guy Named Frank Figueroa, He Was Caught Exposing And Fondling Himself To A Teenage Girl In A Shopping Mall In Florida. Do You Realize? If Osama Bin Laden Was A 14-year Old Girl, We Would Have Had Him By Now. ... Who Is Going To Start Protecting Us From The Department Of Homeland Security? ... It Kind Of Makes You Long For The Good Old Wholesome Days Of The Clinton Administration.

Barack Obama's Mother-in-law Might Be Moving Into The White House With Him. Joe Biden Was Right. Hostile Forces Will Test Him In The First Few Months.

Warren Buffett's Company Reportedly Owes The Irs A Billion Dollars In Back Taxes. When He Said He Wasn't Paying Enough Taxes, He Wasn't Kidding.

Today Is February 14th - St. Valentine's Day. Women Call It Love Day, While Men Name It As Extortion Day.

A New Study Says That Over Half Of All Californians Are Obese. In Fact, Half Of Californians Are Really Two-thirds Of Californians.

The First Lady Said About Her Husband, 'i Could Take Up A Whole Afternoon Talking About His Failures.' And Today She Was Offered Her Own Show On Fox News.

John Kerry Has Promised To Take This Country Back From The Wealthy. Who Better Than The Guy Worth $700 Million To Take The Country Back? See, He Knows How The Wealthy Think. He Can Spy On Them At His Country Club, At His Place In Palm Beach, At His House In The Hamptons. He's Like A Mole For The Working Man.

President Bush Has Unveiled His First Campaign Commercial, Highlighting All Of His Accomplishes In Office. That's Why It's A 60-second Spot.

It Seems That England's Royal Family Is Running Out Of Money. They Are Down To Just $1.6 Million. Well Sure, That's What Happens When Nobody In Your Family Has Had A Job For The Last Thousand Years.

You've Got Bush And Gore Headed To The Supreme Court. You've Got George W. Bush's Intelligence Will Be Pitted Against Al Gore's Honesty. This Is More Like A Case For Small Claims Court.

Yesterday In New York City, Donald Trump Officially Changed His Political Affiliation From Republican To Independent. And Donald's Hair Has Switched From Pelt To Carpet Sample.

In Spite Of The Poor Economy, Almost 70 Percent Of Americans Occasionally Splurge On Luxury Items -- Like A Blanket On A Plane, Or A Peanut.

Form 1040 Was Chosen By The Irs Because For Every $50 You Earn, You Get 10 And They Get 40.

To Give You An Idea How Bad The American Economy Is, Mexico Is Now Calling For A Fence Along The Border. Stay On Your Side!

Espn Has Announced That They Are Launching A 3-d Sports Network. Industry Analysts Say This Will Absolutely Revolutionize The Way Americans Don't Watch Soccer.

Give A Man A Fish And He Will Eat For A Day. Teach A Man To Fish And He Will Eat For A Lifetime. Teach A Man To Create An Artificial Shortage Of Fish And He Will Eat Steak.

And Ralph Nader, God Bless Him, Still Out There Campaigning. Ralph Nader Said Today He Has Set A Record For The Most Campaign Speeches Given In One Day. He Gave 21 Speeches In One Day. Of Course, We Have To Take His Word For It, Because Of Course, There Are No Witnesses.

General Colin Powell Shocked A Lot Of People In Washington By Speaking Out Against President Bush's Policies, Saying That The World Is Beginning To Doubt The Moral Basis Of Our Fight Against Terrorism. That's What I Think He Said - It Was Hard To Hear Him Because He Was Being Hustled Out Of The Room To His Cell In Guantanamo Bay.

Anheuser-busch Gives Two Free Cases Of Beer To Its Employees At All Of Its Parks, Like Busch Gardens. That's A Comforting Thought The Next Time You're Getting Ready To Get On The Roller Coaster!

Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge Raised Security Alert To A Code Red. Apparently Howard Dean Has Escaped. Did You See Dean's Crazed Speech The Other Night, Yelling? I See Why His Wife Won't Campaign With Him. In Fact, Dean Has A New Slogan: 'aaghhhh.'

They Had So Much Rain In New York That A Lot Of The Cabbies Had Their First Shower In Years.

America Needs Obamacare Like Nancy Pelosi Needs A Halloween Mask.

The Bush Administration Said Today There Is A Lot Of Support For Us To Attack Iraq. Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Chevron, They're All Lining Up.

Did You Hear About The Dog That Was So High-strung, He Developed A Nervous Tick?

Congratulations To Mexico. They Upset Brazil To Win A Gold Medal In Men's Soccer. And After The Olympics Ended, The Mexican Soccer Team, Of Course, Returned Home To Their Houses Here In Los Angeles.

Six Women Have Come Forward That Say Arnold Schwarzenegger Groped Them Without Their Consent. This Proves He Would Be A Hands-on Governor.

On 'meet The Press' Yesterday President Bush Was Asked What He Would Do If He Lost The Election And Bush Said, ''phhh, You Mean Like Last Time?'

They Said These North Korean Missiles Had Enough Range To Hit Seattle, But Residents In Seattle Were Not Worried. Today Bill Gates Said Microsoft Has Enough Missiles To Destroy North Korea Ten Times Over.

Things Have Really Changed Here In Hollywood. Used To Be People In This Town Couldn't Wait To Get An Envelope Full Of White Powder.

I Was Born The Day I Got My License. When I Was A Kid, If I Wanted To Go Somewhere And See Things, You Have To Get In Your Car And Actually Go.

You Know Who Boehner Is, Right? He's That Orange Looking Guy. See, For Republicans That Counts As Diversity.

Mitt Romney Is Predicting That As President, He Will Create 12 Million Jobs In His First Term. Well, President Obama Says A Romney Presidency Would Result In Lost Jobs. Yeah, His And Biden's.

When You Fix Something With Your Hands It Gives You A Sense Of Accomplishment And A Sense Of Self Worth.

George W. Bush Loves Golf Because It's Like The Election--low Score Wins.

In People Magazine, Madonna Said Her Life Has Been Exhausting Since She Started Her World Tour. She Said There Isn't A Second Of Her Life That Isn't Taken Up Looking After Her Family Or Thinking Of Her Show - Her Day Is Filled With Problems Of Work And Family. Someone Should Tell Her, Everyone Else Calls That, Life.

This Osama Bin Laden Guy, Spoiled Rich Kid Worth $300m. I Have Three Words For This Guy: Anna Nicole Smith. We Send Her Over There, She'll Get His Money, He'll Be Dead In A Week.

They Always Say The Miss America Pageant Isn't A Beauty Contest, It's Really A Scholarship Program. If That's The Case, Why Don't We Just Put All The Contestants On 'jeopardy!' And Pick Miss America That Way? At Least You Get The Smartest One.

This Tony Haywire Guy, Whatever His Name Is, He Told The Bbc On Sunday That He Believes The New Oil Cap That They've Installed Will Eventually Capture The Vast Majority Of Oil Spewing From The Well. You Know, If They Could Capture Half The Bs Spewing From Tony Hayward, People Would Be Thrilled.

I Was Going To Start Off Tonight With An Obama Joke But I Don't Want To Get Audited By The Irs.

According To A Survey In This Week's Time Magazine, 85% Of Americans Think Global Warming Is Happening. The Other 15% Work For The White House.

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