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Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge Raised Security Alert To A Code Red. Apparently Howard Dean Has Escaped. Did You See Dean's Crazed Speech The Other Night, Yelling? I See Why His Wife Won't Campaign With Him. In Fact, Dean Has A New Slogan: 'aaghhhh.'

-Jay Leno

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Homeland Security Chief Tom

Jay Leno

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Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge Raised Security Alert To A Code Red. Apparently Howard Dean Has Escaped. Did You See Dean's Crazed Speech The Other Night, Yelling? I See Why His Wife Won't Campaign With Him. In Fact, Dean Has A New Slogan: 'aaghhhh.'

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Speaking Spanish

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Approval Rating

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Osama Bin Laden

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Today Is The Day

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Regulations Force People To Do Better.

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You're Not Famous Until My Mother Has Heard Of You.

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John Kerry Accused President Bush Of Catering To The Rich. You Know, As Opposed To John Kerry Who Just Marries Them.

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The Entire Spring And Summer Line From Marc Jacobs Was Stolen On The Way To The Fashion Show In Paris. The Thief Is Considered Armed And Fabulous.

A Woman In Great Britain Has Died After Being Hit In The Back Of The Head By A Golf Ball, On The First Hole. Her Husband Was So Distraught, He Only Played The Front Nine.

The Canadian Prime Minister Said Canada Would Lend The U.s. Its Full Military Support. You Know What That Means: Both Tanks.

Obama Called On Americans To Have More Grandchildren. Probably So There's More Of Them To Pay Off Our Debt.

It Seems That Researchers At Colorado University Say Wine May Help People Lose Weight. It's Not The Wine Directly That Causes The Weight Loss, It's All The Walking Around You Do Trying To Find Your Car.

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According To The New York Times, The Mob Has Now Gotten Into Medicare Fraud. But The Good News Is, When They Do Break Your Legs There's A Good Chance You're Covered.

Genetic Scientists Say That One Day It Will Be Possible To Grow New Body Parts, Like New Breasts And New Hands. It's Going To Be A Huge Moneymaker, Because You Know That As Soon As Women Grow Another Breast, Men Will Want Another Hand.

Know What The Taliban Leaders Like To Do For Fun? Just Sit Around And Get Bombed.

As If This Whole Thing Isn't Confusing Enough, Election Officials Announced This Week That The Alphabet On The Ballot Will Begin With The Letter R, Then W, Then Q. You Know, Even Sesame Street Is Laughing At California Now.

The Olympics Start On Friday, And Russia Is Implementing The Most Intensive Security In Olympics History. During The Games, The Government Will Monitor Every Email, Every Social Media Message, And Listen In On Every Phone Call. In Fact, People Are Even Comparing Russia To The United States, That's How Bad It Is.

Rick Perry Unveiled His New Tax Plan. He Says He Wants A Flat Tax. He Believes That Tax Should Be Flat, Just Like The Earth.

Ambition Beats Genius 99% Of The Time

The Longest-serving Republican Senator, Alaska's Ted Stevens, Found Guilty Just A Few Hours Ago On All Charges In His Corruption Trial. Do You Know This Story? He Failed To Report He Had Some Work Done On His House. Yeah, Here's The Bad Part. You Know Who Did The Work? Joe The Plumber. Unlicensed.

In His First Speech As Speaker, Boehner Thanked His Loved Ones - Tobacco Lobbyists, The Oil Companies, The Ceos.

This Tony Haywire Guy, Whatever His Name Is, He Told The Bbc On Sunday That He Believes The New Oil Cap That They've Installed Will Eventually Capture The Vast Majority Of Oil Spewing From The Well. You Know, If They Could Capture Half The Bs Spewing From Tony Hayward, People Would Be Thrilled.

A Man In Florida Has Been Arrested For Wearing A President Obama Mask While Robbing A Mcdonald's. To Show You How Good This Guy's Disguise Was, Instead Of A Holdup Note He Was Reading From A Teleprompter.

Saddam Hussein Has Raised The Amount Going To Suicide Bombers From $10 Thousand Dollars To $25 Thousand. What's Next, A Health Care Plan?

According To Time Magazine, Global Warming Is 33% Worse Than We Thought. You Know What That Means? Al Gore Is One-third More Annoying Than We Thought.

Today Is April 1, April Fools' Day, A Day That People Try To Fool Their Friends And Relatives. Don't Confuse That With April 15, When People Try To Fool The Irs.

As You All Know By Now, Barack Obama Sent Out A Cell Phone Text Message At 3 A.m. On Saturday Morning To Tell Everyone He Picked Joe Biden As His Vice President. How Do You Think This Makes Hillary Clinton Feel, Huh? Finally, She Gets A Telephone Call At 3 A.m., It's To Tell Her They Picked Joe Biden.

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The Reigning Miss Canada Has Been Arrested For Punching Out Another Woman In A Bar Fight.quite Frankly, I Think It's Refreshing To Finally Find One Beauty Pageant Winner Who Is Against World Peace.

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What's The Difference Between Lindsay Lohan And Rick Perry? It Only Takes Lindsay Four And A Half Hours To Finish A Sentence.

John Mccain Said That Barack Obama Is Already Measuring The Drapes In The White House. That's What He Said. I Understand Sarah Palin Is Already Driving Mccain Around To Look At Assisted Living Facilities.

Today The Justice Department Released E-mails Where Walker Criticized America. In The E-mails He Said He Never Wanted To Set Foot In America Again. See, That's The Good Part About Hanging Somebody. Their Feet Don't Touch The Ground.

President Bush Appeared With Arnold Schwarzenegger At A Huge Campaign Event. Only In California Can A Governor Who Speaks German And A President Who Can Barely Speak English Try To Make Themselves Clear To An Audience That's Primarily Spanish.

Racecar Driving Is A Lot Like Sex; All Men Think They're Good At It.

Researchers At Harvard Say That Taking A Power Nap For An Hour In The Afternoon Can Totally Refresh You. They Say That By The Time You Wake Up You'll Feel So Good, You'll Be Able To Start Looking For A New Job.

If President Obama Really Wants To Hurt The Syrian Government, Don't Send Cruise Missiles. He Should Send Over Some Of His Economic Advisers.

A New York Doctor Has Finished A Five Year Study On What Smells Have The Biggest Effect On New Yorkers. The Smell New Yorkers Like The Most: Vanilla. The Smell New Yorkers Like The Least: New Jersey.

There Was A Rumor That Jesse Jackson Was Going To Go Over There To Talk With The Taliban, Apparently They Were Having Trouble Rhyming The Word Jihad.

A Lot Of People Are Now Criticizing Attorney General John Ashcroft For His Policy On Detaining What He Considers Suspicious People. I Think He's Going A Little Overboard. Today, He Arrested The Entire Band Foreigner.

The White House Is Now Urging Americans Not To 'read Too Much' Into Last Week's Jobs Report. In Fact, They Said It Would Be Best If You Didn't Read It At All.

Espn Has Announced That They Are Launching A 3-d Sports Network. Industry Analysts Say This Will Absolutely Revolutionize The Way Americans Don't Watch Soccer.

I Was In The Rotc. Of Course, Rotc Stood For "running Off To Canada."

As We Head To War With Iraq, President Bush Wants To Make One Thing Clear: This War Is Not About Oil. It's About Gasoline.

Disneyland Celebrated Its 40th Anniversary By Burying A Time Capsule. They Say It Will Be Dug Up In 50 Years - Or When The Last Person In Line At Space Mountain Gets To The Front, Whichever Comes First.

John Kerry Announced That He And His Wife Are Leaving On A Week-long Vacation. He's Going To Take Her Back To The Place Where He First Proposed To Her - At Her Bank.

Major League Baseball Has Asked Its Players To Stop Tossing Baseballs Into The Stands During Games, Because They Say Fans Fight Over Them And They Get Hurt. In Fact, The Florida Marlins Said That's Why They Never Hit Any Home Runs. It's A Safety Issue.

John Kerry Met With Ralph Nader Last Week. Both Sides Of Every Issue Were Discussed. And Then, Nader Spoke.

Senator Chris Dodd Unveiled His Plan To Reduce Corruption In The Senate. He's Retiring.

The Obama Administration Asked General Motors Ceo Rick Wagoner To Step Down, And He Agreed. This Is Good News For Obama; The Last Time He Tried To Get Someone To Quit, It Took Months -- And Even Then, He Had To Promise Her A Job As Secretary Of State. ... According To The Government, Rick Wagoner Was Forced To Resign Because Of Poor Performance. That's Embarrassing -- Run An Organization That Loses Billions Of Dollars And Then Get Fired By A Guy Who Heads Up An Organization That Loses Trillions Of Dollars.

In People Magazine, Madonna Said Her Life Has Been Exhausting Since She Started Her World Tour. She Said There Isn't A Second Of Her Life That Isn't Taken Up Looking After Her Family Or Thinking Of Her Show - Her Day Is Filled With Problems Of Work And Family. Someone Should Tell Her, Everyone Else Calls That, Life.

John Kerry And Ralph Nader Met Face-to-face, It Was A Historic Meeting. Astronomers Said Today Their Meeting Actually Created What Is Called A 'charisma Black Hole.'

The New York Police Department Says Iran Has Conducted Surveillance Inside New York City. They Say Iranian Operatives Are Using Special Mobile Surveillance Units. I Believe They're Called Taxi Cabs.

A New Study Published By The British Medical Journal Found That Inactivity Can Kill You. I Mean, These Are The Kind Of Findings That Just Scare The Hell Out Of Congress.

We Live In What's Called An Open Society, Which Of Course Means They Open Our Emails, Open Our Phone Records, And Open Our Medical Records.

You See The Pictures In The Paper Today Of John Kerry Windsurfing? He's At His Home In Nantucket This Week, Doing His Favorite Thing, Windsurfing. Even His Hobby Depends On Which Way The Wind Blows.

Thousands Of Dead Fish Have Now Washed Up On Shore Along The Coast Of South Carolina. Today The Nra Said That This Wouldn't Have Happened If Those Fish Had Guns.

Climate Experts Say We Should Tell Villagers In Developing Countries To Reduce The Amount Of Cooking Smoke They Generate To Help Fix Global Warming. You Know, It's As If These People Don't Hate Us Enough Already. I Mean, They Live In Mud Huts, They Have Thatch Roofs, Their Clothes Are Made Of Straw. We Pull Up In A Bunch Of Humvees And Suvs Going, 'hey, You Want To Cut The Smoke Out Of Here?'

In A Speech Earlier Today President Bush Said If Iraq Gets Rid Of Saddam Hussein, He Will Help The Iraqi People With Food, Medicine, Supplies, Housing, Education - Anything That's Needed. Isn't That Amazing? He Finally Comes Up With A Domestic Agenda - And It's For Iraq. Maybe We Could Bring That Here If It Works Out.

Authorities In New York City Have Foiled A Plot By Terrorists To Blow Up The Holland Tunnel. There Was One Awkward Moment When Officials Informed President Bush The Holland Tunnel Was Safe. Bush Then Thanked The Dutch Authorities For All Their Help.

Jack Abramoff Is Going To Testify Against Some Of The Other Weasels In Congress. A Lobbyist Testifying Against Congressmen? How Many Bibles Are Going To Burst Into Flames In That Courtroom?

Schwarzenegger Said Last Night On The Show He Expects His Opponents To Throw All Kinds Of Dirt At Him. And You Know, It's Started Already. Today, They Released The One Thing That Could Really Hurt Arnold. Turns Out He Once Starred In A Movie With Tom Arnold.

The Democrats Are All Over This. Democratic Strategists Feel John Kerry's War Record Means He Can Beat Bush. They Say When It Comes Down To It Voters Will Always Vote For A War Hero Over Someone Who Tried To Get Out Of The War. I'll Be Sure To Mention That To Bob Dole When I See Him.

Sen. Joe Biden, On The Day Of Announcing His Candidacy For President Of The United States, Called Barack Obama The First Mainstream African-american Who Is Articulate, Bright, And . . . Clean. I Think We've Seen The Shortest Presidential Campaign In History.

African American

I Didn't Realize It Was October Until I Saw The Chicago Cubs Choking.

President Bush Released His Tax Returns Yesterday. He Listed The Economy As A Liability. He Gets To Write That Off.

The New York Times Has Had Fake Stories. Cbs Has Had Fake Stories. And Now Newsweek Had A Fake Story. You Realize The Only One That Hasn't Had To Print A Retraction Is The National Inquirer

The Republican Debate Got Pretty Heated. They Spent Most Of Their Time Arguing Over Who God Called First.

Border Agents Have Now Been Issued Air Guns That Shoot Pepper Balls At People Coming Across The Mexican Border. Have They Thought This Through? Is That Going To Bother People From Mexico? Pepper Balls? Don't These People Eat Jalapenos? Isn't That Like Firing Meatballs At An Italian Guy?

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