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Today The Justice Department Released E-mails Where Walker Criticized America. In The E-mails He Said He Never Wanted To Set Foot In America Again. See, That's The Good Part About Hanging Somebody. Their Feet Don't Touch The Ground.

-Jay Leno

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Today The Justice Department

Jay Leno

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Today The Justice Department Released E-mails Where Walker Criticized America. In The E-mails He Said He Never Wanted To Set Foot In America Again. See, That's The Good Part About Hanging Somebody. Their Feet Don't Touch The Ground.

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Osama Bin Laden

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Airline Security

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President Obama Announced This Week That He Is Going To Start Sending Out His Own Messages Personally On Twitter. And Today Anthony Weiner Said, “it’s A Trap, Don’t Do It!” But President Obama’s Tweets Are A Little Different Than Anthony Weiner’s. When Obama Sends Out Pictures Of Something Obscene, It’s The Unemployment Numbers.

There Are Now More Obese People In The United States Than There Are Overweight People. I Think It's Safe To Say That After All These Years, Diet Coke Is A Complete Failure.

Howard Dean Announced Today He Will Campaign In Seven States. The States Are Rage, Frenzy, Fury, Rath, Fever, Agitation, And Delirium. Yeeeeaaaah!

President Obama's Re-election Campaign Said That This Year They'll Knock On 150 Percent More Doors Than They Did In 2008. Well, Of Course They Will. They Have To. There's So Many Foreclosures It's Tough To Tell Where People Live.

9% Would Give Up Sex For The Remote Control. 91% Has Already Given Up Sex For The Remote Control!

Herman Cain Told A Group Of Occupy Wall Street Protesters To Go Home, Get A Job, And Get A Life. That's The Republican Version Of Hope And Change, Ladies And Gentlemen.

The Circus Doesn't Stop. A Federal Appeals Court Has Postponed The Recall Election. How Stupid Are We? Even Our Recalls Get Recalled.

Vice President Joe Biden Said Today That 'syria Must Be Held Accountable.' Unfortunately, The Obama Administration Has Never Employed An Accountant, So They Have No Idea How To Do That.

Anybody Can Have A Life. Careers Are Hard To Come By.

John Kerry Accused President Bush Of Catering To The Rich. You Know, As Opposed To John Kerry Who Just Marries Them.

As You Know, There Were Lots Of Huge Marches Around The Country Yesterday To Protest The Immigration Laws. The Marches Had Quite An Impact On Businesses. Restaurants Had To Close, Construction Sites Had To Shut Down, The Yankees Had To Forfeit A Game. ... Do You Realize That Americans Are Now Doing The Jobs That Immigrants Won't Do Because They're Out Protesting?

Comedy Is The Only Profession Where Love From A Stranger Is Better Than Love From A Family Member. You Need To Perform For Strangers To See If You're Really Funny. If They Laugh And Cheer, It's The Greatest Thing In The World.

Bill Clinton Is The Only Ex-president Who Hasn't Planned His Own Funeral. But, In His Defense, In The Past He Has Said He Wants To Be Buried Next To Hillary. I Guess He Figures He Never Slept Next To Her When They Were Alive, Might As Well Try It Now That They're Dead.

Is It Me Or Is President Bush's Life Starting To Sound Like A Country Song. He's From Texas, His Dog Just Died, And It Looks Like He Might Lose His Job. Next Thing, His Truck Is Going To Break Down.

According To The British Journal Of Psychiatry, Marijuana Can Cause Panic Attacks. I Don't Know . . . The Only Time I Have Ever Seen A Marijuana User Look Panicky Is When They Are Out Of Marijuana.

You Know What Really Makes This Embarrassing? The Other Day The President Said The Leaders In Iraq Are 'ready To Take Off The Training Wheels.' That's What He Said, 'take Off The Training Wheels.' Then He Goes Out And Falls Off His Bicycle. And They Wonder Why The Rest Of The World Doesn't Take Us Seriously.

It Is Said That Life Begins When The Fetus Can Exist Apart From Its Mother. By This Definition, Many People In Hollywood Are Legally Dead.

I Watched That New Reality Show On Abc With Charlie Gibson, 'america's Next Top Vice President.' ... Oh, What An Exciting Show That Is! Did You See Sarah Palin's Interview With Charlie Gibson? Did You All Watch That? In Fact, John Mccain Was Watching It At Home, And At One Point, He Turned To His Wife And Said, 'she Looks Really Familiar.'

John Kerry Keeping A Low Profile This Week. He Said He Wanted To Get Away And Go Someplace Where No One Would Expect To See Him. So I Guess He Showed Up At His Old Seat In The Senate. Nobody's Going To Look For Him There.

John Kerry Speaks French Fluently. Democrats Are Saying He's One In A Million. A War Hero Who Speaks French, Isn't It More Like One In A Trillion?

Congratulations To The Italian People For Winning The World Cup. ... They Won After France's Best Player Got Ejected For Head Butting. That's The Closest Anyone In A French Uniform Has Come To Combat In 60 Years.

Congratulations

The Economy Is So Bad That Bedbugs Are Now Infesting Sleeping Bags And Tents, Because They Can't Afford To Stay In Hotels Anymore.

To Give You An Idea How Bad The American Economy Is, Mexico Is Now Calling For A Fence Along The Border. Stay On Your Side!

American Forces In Iraq Found $650 Million In American Cash Sealed In A Hidden Cottage. See, This Is Why President Bush Wants To Invade Iraq, The Whole Place Is Oil And Cash. It's Like Republican Disneyland.

President Obama Admitted This Week That A Former Girlfriend That He Wrote About In His Autobiography Was Made Up And Not A Real Person . . . So Obama Had An Imaginary Girlfriend. Big Deal! He Had An Imaginary Economic Plan. It’s All The Same.

Two Americans Have Been Awarded The Nobel Prize For Economics. They Are The First To Figure Out All The Charges On Their Telephone Bill.

For The First Time Ever, Overweight People Outnumber Average People In America. Doesn't That Make Overweight The Average Then? Last Month You Were Fat, Now You're Average - Hey, Let's Get A Pizza!

The White House Has Now Released Military Documents That They Say Prove George Bush Met His Requirements For The National Guard. Big Deal, We've Got Documents That Prove Al Gore Won The Election.

The Leaders Of The Taliban Said Today That Killing Bin Laden Won't Solve The Problem. But, You Know, It Couldn't Hurt.

Elections Officials Here In California Are Concerned That Having 247 Candidates Would Require A Ballot So Long It Would Be Difficult To Count. Today In Florida They Said, 'what? You Count The Ballots?'

When You Do Late-night Tv, You Do Different Jokes In The Same Place Every Night. When You're On The Road As A Comedian, You Do The Same Jokes In A Different Place Every Night.

Today, You Get Better Performance From A Ford Focus Than A Ferrari From The Mid-70s. [the Focus] Is Just As Fast And With Better Fuel Economy. It's Fun To See Supercar Technology Trickle Down To Everyday Cars.

Corporations Complained About [safety] Regulations, But Let's Face It, People Walk Away From Accidents Now That Would Have Killed Them When I Was A Kid

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