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The Supreme Court Has Ruled That Anybody Can Be Strip-searched For Any Kind Of Arrest. That's Something To Think About The Next Time You Bring 12 Items Into A 10-item-or-less Lane.

-Jay Leno

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The Supreme Court Has

Jay Leno

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The Supreme Court Has Ruled That Anybody Can Be Strip-searched For Any Kind Of Arrest. That's Something To Think About The Next Time You Bring 12 Items Into A 10-item-or-less Lane.

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American Voters

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President Obama Gave A Big Speech On Climate Change. He Believes Global Warming Is Getting Worse Because Apparently He's Sweating A Lot More During His Second Term

President Obama Has Announced A Task Force To Review The Tax Codes. He's Concerned There Are Too Many Loopholes And Too Many People Manipulating The System To Avoid Paying Taxes. And That's Just In His Administration.

As You Know, John Mccain Is An Older, White-haired Man Who Has Been In The Senate For Over Twenty Years, Voted For The Iraq War, And Said Barack Obama Did Not Have The Experience To Be President. I'm Sorry, That's Our Intro For Next Week When Joe Biden Is On, I Got Confused.

So, The Phoenix Suns Are Wearing Jerseys Written In Spanish, Made In China, Modeled After Their Best Player, Canadian Steve Nash. There You Go. That Is America.

At&t Is Now Offering A New Service That Allows You To Pay Your Bills Through Your Tv Screen By Using Your Remote Control. So Instead Of Saying, "the Check's In The Mail," People Are Going To Say, "hey, I Wanted To Pay, But I Couldn't Find The Remote."

President Obama Said In An Interview Over The Weekend That He Really Misses Being Anonymous. He Said, 'i Miss Saturday Mornings Rolling Out Of Bed And Not Shaving, Going To The Market...' Be Careful What You Wish For, 2012 Is Just Around The Corner!

The Boston Globe Is Reporting That Democratic Presidential Candidate John Kerry Used To Date Actress Morgan Fairchild But It Didn't Work Out. Apparently She Couldn't Handle Dating Someone With Bigger Hair Then She Had.

President Bush's Campaign Is Now Attacking John Kerry For Throwing Away Some Of His Medals To Protest The Vietnam War. Bush Did Not Have Any Medals To Throw Away, But In His Defense He Did Have All His Services Records Thrown Out.

Tonight Was The Cnn Primary Debate With The Four Remaining Candidates. It Was Kind Of A Change For Newt Gingrich. Usually When He's Arguing With Three People At Once, It's His Wife, His Ex-wife, And His Mistress.

A Team Of British Lawyers Has Now Concluded That The Declaration Of Independence Was Illegal, And The American Colonies Had No Right To Secede From England. Well, You Thought Our Court System Was Backed Up.

I Went To See That Movie 'from Hell,' Or As Osama Bin Laden Calls It - 'roots.'

Osama Bin Laden

Form 1040 Was Chosen By The Irs Because For Every $50 You Earn, You Get 10 And They Get 40.

John Kerry Said Today He Wants To Debate President Bush Once A Month. Hey Good Luck, If Bush Couldn't Make It To The National Guard Once A Month, He's Not Going To Show Up For This.

U.s. Government Has Said They Are Now Going To Go After The Terrorist's Electronic Banking System. You Know What They Should Do? They Should Transfer Bin Laden's Funds To My Bank. They'd Mess Up His Deposits, Screw Up His Statement And Nickel And Dime Him To Death With Service Charges.

Republicans Are Calling The Bush-cheney Ticket The 'wizard Of Oz' Ticket. One Needs A Heart And The Other Needs A Brain.

According To New York Publishers, Bill Clinton Will Get More Money For His Book Than Hillary Clinton Got For Hers. Well, Duh. At Least His Book Has Some Sex In It.

The 99 Cent Only Store Is Calling Itself Your Valentine's Day Headquarters. Guys, If That's Your Valentine's Day Headquarters, You Can Also Call The Garage Your New Home.

The Senate Voted 97-0 For An Anti-spam Bill To Stop Those Annoying Things You Get On Your Computer. The Senators Made It Very Clear That When You Start Misleading The American People And Start Taking Their Money Over False Promises, That's Our Turf, Buddy!

When You Do Late-night Tv, You Do Different Jokes In The Same Place Every Night. When You're On The Road As A Comedian, You Do The Same Jokes In A Different Place Every Night.

Of Course, Republicans Still Can't Believe That Barack Obama Won The Nobel Peace Prize. But Then Democrats Can't Believe That Sarah Palin Wrote A Book.

John Mccain Said That Barack Obama Is Already Measuring The Drapes In The White House. That's What He Said. I Understand Sarah Palin Is Already Driving Mccain Around To Look At Assisted Living Facilities.

Nissan Is Designing A Car That Will Read The Driver's Mind. I Already Know What I'm Going To Do. I Want A Car That Will Read The Other Guy's Mind.

The Crime Problem In New York Is Getting Really Serious. The Other Day The Statue Of Liberty Had Both Hands Up.

You Could Do Anything In Your Room At College. You Could Smoke Pot, Live In A Coed Dorm, Have A Girl. But You Couldn't Have A . . . Hot Plate!

Casey Anthony Was Found Not Guilty. This Means That President Obama’s Economic Team Is Only The Second-most Clueless Group In America.

Yesterday, President-elect Barack Obama Announced His New Economic Team. You Know What He Should Do? Hire Those People Who Were In Charge Of His Fundraising Campaign. We Can Pay This Thing Off In Like A Week.

President Obama Told The Irish People That America Will Always Stand By Them, To Which Israel Laughed.

They Had A Profile Of John Kerry On The News And They Said His First Wife Was Worth Around $300 Million And His Second Wife, His Current Wife, Is Worth Around $700 Million. So When John Kerry Says He's Going After The Wealthy In This Country, He's Not Just Talking. He's Doing It!

President Bush Said This Iraq Situation Looks Like 'the Rerun Of A Bad Movie.' Well Sure, There's A Bush In The White House, The Economy's Going To Hell, We're Going To War Over Oil. I've Seen This Movie, Haven't I?

Financial Experts Are Saying We Are Entering A New Chapter In The American Economy. I Believe It's Chapter 11.

Usa Today Reports That The Number Of Death Row Executions This Year Has Hit A 35-year Low. They Attribute That To Dna Evidence Clearing More People And The Fact That Rick Perry Has Been On The Road Campaigning.

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