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You Know What The Reward Is To Capture Saddam. You Don't Even Need To Capture Saddam, Just Say Where He Is. It's $25 Million. This Is What I Love About Our Priorities. We Spend $25 Million Trying To Get Rid Of Saddam Hussein. The Republicans Spend $50 Million Trying To Get Rid Of Gray Davis. It Doesn't Seem Quite Right.

-Jay Leno

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You Know What The

Jay Leno

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You Know What The Reward Is To Capture Saddam. You Don't Even Need To Capture Saddam, Just Say Where He Is. It's $25 Million. This Is What I Love About Our Priorities. We Spend $25 Million Trying To Get Rid Of Saddam Hussein. The Republicans Spend $50 Million Trying To Get Rid Of Gray Davis. It Doesn't Seem Quite Right.

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John Kerry Accused President Bush Of Catering To The Rich. You Know, As Opposed To John Kerry Who Just Marries Them.

A Dead Body Was Discovered This Week On The Grounds Of A Country Estate Owned By Queen Elizabeth. The Queen Said Today She Hopes This Serves As A Reminder To Anybody On Her Staff That There Is A Right Way And A Wrong Way To Polish Sterling Silver.

President Obama Was In Disney World Today Where He Unveiled His New Plan To Create Jobs. He Was Joined By Mickey Mouse And Minnie Mouse But Not Goofy. He Had To Stay Behind To Tend To His Vice Presidential Duties.

President Clinton And President Obama Played A Round Of Golf Over The Weekend. President Clinton Asked Obama What His Handicap Was, And Obama Said, 'joe Biden.'

President Obama Said In An Interview Over The Weekend That He Really Misses Being Anonymous. He Said, 'i Miss Saturday Mornings Rolling Out Of Bed And Not Shaving, Going To The Market...' Be Careful What You Wish For, 2012 Is Just Around The Corner!

Folks, Tomorrow America Will Get To Hear Those Four Words We've Been Waiting For: "former President George Bush".

Anheuser-busch Gives Two Free Cases Of Beer To Its Employees At All Of Its Parks, Like Busch Gardens. That's A Comforting Thought The Next Time You're Getting Ready To Get On The Roller Coaster!

According To The Mayans, The World Is Supposed To End In The Year 2012. Are You Buying That? When's The Last Time You Even Ran Into A Mayan?

I Was Going To Start Off Tonight With An Obama Joke But I Don't Want To Get Audited By The Irs.

A New Study Says That Working Fewer Hours Can Slow Global Warming. So You Know What That Means? President Obama's Economic Policy Is Also His Climate Change Policy.

The White House Has Finally Found One Guy That Kinda Remembers Serving With President Bush In The National Guard. Now They Just Need To Find Someone Who Remembers Bush Working On An Economic Plan. ... I Think The White House Spent More Money Looking For This Guy Than Finding Weapons Of Mass Destruction.

Mass Destruction

If You Think Of Life As Like A Big Pie, You Can Try To Hold The Whole Pie And Kill Yourself Trying To Keep It, Or You Can Slice It Up And Give Some To The People Around You, And You Still Have Plenty Left For Yourself.

It Seems That England's Royal Family Is Running Out Of Money. They Are Down To Just $1.6 Million. Well Sure, That's What Happens When Nobody In Your Family Has Had A Job For The Last Thousand Years.

A New Poll Shows Only 3 Percent Strongly Approve Of The Job Congress Is Doing, With A Margin Of Error Of 4 Percent, So It's Possible That "less Than No One" Thinks They're Doing A Good Job.

I Don't Want To Say Gray Davis Is On The Run, But Today He Released An Audiotape On The Al Jazeera Network From His Underground Bunker Somewhere In The Sacramento Area.

Saddam Hussein Has Invited Members From The U.s. Congress To Visit Iraq. Man How Stupid Is Hussein? If You Think Bush Had Incentive To Bomb Iraq Before, Imagine If Congress Was Over There.

Bush Reiterated His Stand To Conservatives Opposing His Decision On Stem Cell Research. He Said Today He Believes Life Begins At Conception And Ends At Execution.

On 'meet The Press' Yesterday President Bush Was Asked What He Would Do If He Lost The Election And Bush Said, ''phhh, You Mean Like Last Time?'

For The First Time Ever, Overweight People Outnumber Average People In America. Doesn't That Make Overweight The Average Then? Last Month You Were Fat, Now You're Average - Hey, Let's Get A Pizza!

Actually, The University Of California Says They May Start A Marijuana Research Center. Really? I Thought The University Of California Was A Marijuana Research Center.

Former U.s. House Majority Leader, Tom Delay, Has Been Sentenced To Three Years In Prison. One Year For Money Laundering And Two More For His Performance On 'dancing With The Stars.'

Majority Leader

President Bush Earned $400,000 For His Job As President Last Year. That's Not Really That Much For Being President When You Think About It. But President Bush, He Doesn't Do It For The Money, He Does It For The Eight Months Of Vacation Every Year.

In An Interview With Rolling Stone, Senator John Kerry, Who Is Running For President, Said That When He Voted For The War In Iraq, He Didn't Expect President Bush To 'f--- It Up As Badly As He Did.' Here's Some Breaking News, Tomorrow Former Vice President Al Gore Expected To Endorse Howard Dean As The Democratic Nominee For President Of The United States - And You Thought John Kerry Was Using Four Letter Words Before! Actually, To John Kerry, Dean Is A Four Letter Word.

Elections In L.a. Are So Different. Here You've Got Politicians With Phony Smiles Making False Promises To Voters With Fake Boobs And Bad Toupees.

The New York Times Is Reporting That Back In The '60s, Presidential Candidate Howard Dean Used A Letter From A Doctor About A Back Condition To Keep Himself Out Of The Draft In Vietnam And Then Spent 10 Months Skiing. Well It Sounds Like He's Done The Impossible. He Actually Made Bill Clinton And George Bush Look Like War Heroes.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Made His Tax Returns Public, [and] Now There's A Problem About Him Stretching The Truth. Apparently Under Occupation He Put Down 'actor.'

Politics Is Just Show Business For Ugly People.

Today Is February 14th - St. Valentine's Day. Women Call It Love Day, While Men Name It As Extortion Day.

There Is A Video Out Now On How To Please Men. Here's Tip Number 1: Just Show Up!

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