Background Image

...

The Mayans Have Predicted The World Is Supposed To End On December 21. If The World Doesn't End On December 21, You Can Bet The Next Day The Malls Will Be Overrun With Mayans Trying To Buy Last-minute Gifts.

-Jay Leno

...

Please Wait....
Translating....

The Mayans Have Predicted

Jay Leno

...

The Mayans Have Predicted The World Is Supposed To End On December 21. If The World Doesn't End On December 21, You Can Bet The Next Day The Malls Will Be Overrun With Mayans Trying To Buy Last-minute Gifts.

Views: 12

Topic

More From Jay Leno

For The First Time Ever, Women Are Scoring Higher Than Men On Iq Tests. Scientists Say It Has Something To Do With Breast Implants -- Not That It Makes The Women Smarter, It Just Makes The Men Dumber.

The Irs Said Today Anyone With A Refund Coming From Their 2001 Taxes Will Lose It If They Don't Pick It Up By April 15th. If It Is More Then Three Years They Will Just Keep It. How Come It Doesn't Work That Way With Back Taxes?

All Of Iraq's Oil Fields Are Under U.s. Control Which Is Ironic Considering All The Gas Stations Here Are Run By Middle Easterners.

In An Interview With Rolling Stone, Senator John Kerry, Who Is Running For President, Said That When He Voted For The War In Iraq, He Didn't Expect President Bush To 'f--- It Up As Badly As He Did.' Here's Some Breaking News, Tomorrow Former Vice President Al Gore Expected To Endorse Howard Dean As The Democratic Nominee For President Of The United States - And You Thought John Kerry Was Using Four Letter Words Before! Actually, To John Kerry, Dean Is A Four Letter Word.

In California, 50 Women Protested The Impending War With Iraq By Lying On The Ground Naked And Spelling Out The Word Peace. Right Idea, Wrong President.

Now, Today Is The Day We Honor, Of Course, The Presidents, Ranging From George Washington, Who Couldn't Tell A Lie, To George Bush, Who Couldn't Tell The Truth, To Bill Clinton, Who Couldn't Tell The Difference.

Today Is The Day

President Obama Admitted This Week That A Former Girlfriend That He Wrote About In His Autobiography Was Made Up And Not A Real Person . . . So Obama Had An Imaginary Girlfriend. Big Deal! He Had An Imaginary Economic Plan. It’s All The Same.

Scientists In Australia Are Working On Making Biodegradable Car Parts Out Of Hemp. This Might Get Confusing. When Someone Says, Roll Up The Window, They Might Mean, Roll Up The Window!

Donald Trump Says That He Will Not Run For President. You Know Why? He Can't Find His Birth Certificate.

Republican Congressman Pete Hoekstra Has Charged The Bush Administration With Keeping Programs Secret From Congress. Somehow No One From Congress Reads The New York Times, I Guess.

Never Perform For Your Family. They Either Laugh Too Hard Or Not At All.

Senator Chris Dodd Unveiled His Plan To Reduce Corruption In The Senate. He's Retiring.

The New York Times Has Had Fake Stories. Cbs Has Had Fake Stories. And Now Newsweek Had A Fake Story. You Realize The Only One That Hasn't Had To Print A Retraction Is The National Inquirer

President Obama Will Be Going To Disney World Where He'll Unveil His New Plan To Create Jobs. And What Better Place For The President To Talk About His Jobs Plan Than Fantasyland?

Last Week Convicted Enron Crook Ken Lay Died Of A Heart Attack. They Announced They Were Going To Cremate Him. Where He's Going, Why Bother?.

The Difference Between Men And Women Is That Men Love The 3 Stooges, And Women Think They're Assholes.

The Taliban Has Asked Osama Bin Laden To Voluntarily Leave The Country.they Said They Delivered Him A Note Asking Him To Leave, Which Is A Pretty Goodtrick Considering They Claim They Don't Even Know Where He Is.

Osama Bin Laden

The Democratic Convention Is $27 Million In Debt. They Had To Cancel The Kick-off Event At The Charlotte Motor Speedway. A Speedway Is The Perfect Place For The Democratic Convention. You Go Around In Circles, Turn Left Every Few Seconds, And You End Up Right Where You Started.

Here's An Uplifting Story. Congratulations To The Little League Team From Huntington Beach, California. Yeah, They Beat Japan To Win The Little League World Series. That's Pretty Good. See, That Proves That When Math And Science Aren't Involved, Our Kids Can Beat Anybody.

Changing The Story Until You Believe It.

More And More Details Coming Out Now About Spoiled Rich Kid Osama Bin Laden. Time Reports This Week He Was One Of 52 Kids. Mother Must Be Exhausted. This Guy Inherited $80 Million At Age 13 And Has Since Expanded It To $300 Million Through Construction, Smart Investments And Gas And Oil Investments. This Way, He Can Use The Money In His War Against Capitalism.

A New Poll Says That If The Election Were Held Today, Both John Kerry And John Edwards Would Beat President Bush By Double Digit Margins. The White House Is So Worried About This, They're Now Thinking Of Moving Up The Capture Of Osama Bin Laden To Next Month.

The Boston Globe Is Reporting That Democratic Presidential Candidate John Kerry Used To Date Actress Morgan Fairchild But It Didn't Work Out. Apparently She Couldn't Handle Dating Someone With Bigger Hair Then She Had.

Bin Laden Was Once Targeted By President Clinton. President Clinton Wanted To Kill Him But Couldn't Get Him. Of Course Not, We All Know What Kind Of Aim Clinton Has.

For Some Reason, The Secret Service Revealed This, That Sarah Palin's Secret Service Code Name Is 'denali.' Turns Out 'denali' Is An Old Eskimo Name That Means 'dan Quayle.'

Oh, Here's Your Tax Dollars At Work. This Is What Makes People Furious. The Head Of The Gsa, A Woman Named Martha Johnson, Has Resigned After They Found Out She Spent Over $830,000 On A Four-day Government Conference In Las Vegas. And The President Is Furious. Not President Obama, The President Of China. It's His Money. It's His Money She Spent.

A Newsweek Poll Said If The Election Were Held Today, John Kerry Would Beat Bush 49 Percent To 46 Percent. And Today, President Bush Called Newsweek Magazine A Threat To World Peace.

As We Watched Judge Clarence Thomas's Supreme Court Confirmation Hearings, All Of The Commentators Said The Same Thing: 'one Of These People In The Room Is Lying.' Do You Believe That? You've Got Two Lawyers And 14 Senators In The Room, And Only One Of Them Is Lying?

A Lot Of People Are Now Criticizing Attorney General John Ashcroft For His Policy On Detaining What He Considers Suspicious People. I Think He's Going A Little Overboard. Today, He Arrested The Entire Band Foreigner.

They Had A Profile Of John Kerry On The News And They Said His First Wife Was Worth Around $300 Million And His Second Wife, His Current Wife, Is Worth Around $700 Million. So When John Kerry Says He's Going After The Wealthy In This Country, He's Not Just Talking. He's Doing It!

According To Kim Jong-il's Biography, They Say He Has Been Constantly Accused Of Dishonesty, Drunkenness And Sexual Excess. So If He Lived Here, He Could Be In Congress.

Researchers At Harvard Say That Taking A Power Nap For An Hour In The Afternoon Can Totally Refresh You. They Say That By The Time You Wake Up You'll Feel So Good, You'll Be Able To Start Looking For A New Job.

Did You Hear About The Dog That Was So High-strung, He Developed A Nervous Tick?

President Obama Wants To Raise Taxes On The Country's Richest People. And You Thought Donald Trump Hated Him Before.

Experts Are Saying That President Bush's Goal Now Is To Politically Humiliate Saddam Hussein. Why Don't We Just Make Him The Next Democratic Presidential Nominee?

This Is A Strange Country We Live In. When It Comes To Electing A President, We Get Two Choices. But When We Have To Select A Miss America, We Get 50.

Hundreds Of Barefoot Filipinos Marched On The Roads Through The Philippines Carrying Heavy Wooden Crosses And Whipping Their Backs Until They Bled To Prepare For Easter. Call Me Old-fashioned But I Just Like Coloring The Eggs.

Remember When We Used To Worry About Some Weirdo Having A Razor Blade Inside An Apple On Halloween? Not Anymore. Like A Kid Today Would Eat An Apple.

Forty Million Americans Smoked Marijuana; The Only Ones Who Didn’t Like It Were Judge Ginsberg, Clarence Thomas And Bill Clinton.

It Turns Out Enron Workers Were Not Only Shredding Documents At Work, They Were Having Sex At Work. Having Sex And Shredding Documents. Those Are Two Things You Don't Want To Get Mixed Up.

U.n. Officials Said Today They Desperately Need $7 Billion To Help People Cope With Disasters, But They're Having A Hard Time Getting People To Send Rescue Money. Here's What The Un Should Do: Invest In Bad Mortgages, Run A Bank Into The Ground, Give Yourself A Bonus, Get Some Spa Treatments And, In No Time, The Government Will Send You $750 Billion.

John Kerry's Wife Teresa Heinz Is On The Cover Of Newsweek Magazine This Week And They Said That If He Is Elected President, She Will Be The Oldest First Lady In American History. But That Doesn't Bother John Kerry, He Said, 'to Me, She Looks Like A Million Bucks'

It's Just A Matter Of Time Before We Go Into Iraq And Get Saddam Hussein. I Think Just Before Bush Falls Below 50 Percent, That's When We'll Be Going.

The Fbi Announced Today That They Are Now Looking For Osama Bin Laden's Financial Adviser. You Think This Guy Is In Demand. How Good Can He Be? His Top Client Is Living In A Cave And Driving A Donkey. It Doesn't Sound Like He Is Getting The Best Return On His Investments To Me.

Romney Raised $10 Million. That’s A Dollar For Every Position He’s Had On Healthcare.

You Know What's Sad About This? Not The Gambling, But The Best Way To Reach College Athletes Is The Cartoon Network.

Go Through Your Phone Book, Call People And Ask Them To Drive You To The Airport. The Ones Who Will Drive You Are Your True Friends. The Rest Aren't Bad People; They're Just Acquaintances.

Now This Really Annoys Me: All These People Getting On The Internet And Saying Nostradamus Predicted This. If Nostradamus Were Alive Today His Name Would Be Miss Cleo And He'd Be Charging $2.99 A Minute.

Rick Perry Told Reporters This Week That He Has A Permit To Carry A Concealed Handgun. He Also Has A Concealed Vocabulary, Concealed Knowledge Of The Issues, Concealed Tolerance.

The Kinsey Institute Says Gay Men Have Bigger Sex Organs. Hence The Origin Of Gay Pride.

Saddam Hussein Also Challenged President Bush To A Debate. The Butcher Of Baghdad Vs. The Butcher Of The English Language.

The Mayans Have Predicted The World Is Supposed To End On December 21. If The World Doesn't End On December 21, You Can Bet The Next Day The Malls Will Be Overrun With Mayans Trying To Buy Last-minute Gifts.

President Bush Said That American Workers Will Need New Skills To Get The New Jobs In The 21st Century. Some Of The Skills They're Going To Need Are Spanish, Chinese, Korean, Because That's Where The Jobs Went. Who Better Than Bush As An Example Of What Can Happen When You Take A Job Without Any Training.

It's Cold Out. It's Even Cold In Florida. So Cold Today That Katherine Harris Put On A Third Layer Of Makeup.

President Bush Stopped Off At A Bass Pro Fishing Store To Pick Up A Fishing Reel, Some Line And Some Rubber Worms. He's Going To Disappear And Go Fishing. So He Must Think He's Back In The National Guard.

At The G-20 Summit, The White House Accidentally Listed A Phone-sex Line For Journalists Seeking An On-record Briefing Call For Secretary Of State Hillary Clinton. To Which Bill Said, 'boy, Did They Get The Wrong Number.'

Now, I Have A Halloween Mask I Think You Might Get A Kick Out Of. That's Scary.

Colin Farrel Was Recently Asked About Prostitutes And He Said, It's Like Ordering A Pizza. Really? What Restaurant Is He Going To? All I Ever Get Is A Pizza... I Guess In Some Ways It Is - When It's Delivered, It's Never Quite As Hot As You Hoped It Would Be.

Anybody Who Gives Their Car To A Valet Isn't A Car Guy

Hey, Barack Obama Had To Give Up His Blackberry. He's The First Wired President. ... He Might Have To Give His Blackberry Because Of Security Reasons. Because They're Easy To Hack Into. In Fact, When Obama Heard He Might Have To Give It Up, He Said, 'omg! Wtf?' I Mean, He Couldn't Believe It.

Barack Obama's Mother-in-law Might Be Moving Into The White House With Him. Joe Biden Was Right. Hostile Forces Will Test Him In The First Few Months.

An Israeli Man's Life Was Saved When He Was Given A Palestinian Man's Heart In A Heart Transplant Operation. The Guy Is Doing Fine, But The Bad News Is, He Can't Stop Throwing Rocks At Himself.

President Bush Fell Off His Bicycle This Weekend And You Know What Was Really Sad? It's A Stationary Bike.

Today, President Barack Obama Promised To 'detect And Pursue' American Tax Evaders, As Opposed To His First 100 Days, In Which He Detected And Nominated American Tax Evaders.

Apparently, Osama Bin Laden Was Killed With Money And Phone Numbers Sewn Into His Clothing. So We Got Him Right Before He Left For Summer Camp.

Tomorrow, America's Most Famous Hockey Mom, Sarah Palin, Will Drop The Ceremonial First Puck At The Philadelphia Flyers Game. Right Afterwards, She'll Get Out On The Ice And Skate Around Reporters' Questions, So It Should Be Interesting.

I Was In The Rotc. Of Course, Rotc Stood For "running Off To Canada."

An Intruder Broke Into Mike Tyson's Hotel Room In Las Vegas While He Was Sleeping But Got Out Before Tyson Could Get To Him. I Don't Know What's Scarier. Having Someone Breaking Into Your Room While You're Sleeping Or Breaking Into Someone Else's Room And Finding Out The Guy Is Mike Tyson.

Britney Spears Told An Interviewer If She Weren't Famous, She Would Be A Teacher. So Thank God She's Famous.

Yesterday In New York City, Donald Trump Officially Changed His Political Affiliation From Republican To Independent. And Donald's Hair Has Switched From Pelt To Carpet Sample.

(the Weakest Link) Is Fascinating Program. They Ask A Bunch Of People Questions And They Keep Getting Rid Of The Dumbest Person, So Just The Smartest Person Is Left. It Is Kind Of The Opposite Way We Elect A President.

Congress Voted For Tougher Laws On Corporations. So Now When A Corporation Buys A Senator, They Need A Receipt.

I Went To See That Movie 'from Hell,' Or As Osama Bin Laden Calls It - 'roots.'

Osama Bin Laden

Contact With The Customer Is What Business Is All About.

The Pennsylvania Game Commission Has Charged A Man With Going Deer Hunting With A Handgun In A Wal-mart Parking Lot. He Is Being Charged With Reckless Endangerment, But May Plead Guilty To The Lesser Charge Of Being A Redneck.... Hunting In A Wal-mart Parking Lot. That's Got To Be Some Good Eating A Deer That Lives On Leftover Twizzlers And Mountain Dew.

The Senate Is Now Considering Increasing Government Subsidies For Corn Growers To Produce More Ethanol. If We Produce Enough Ethanol We Can Postpone Our Next Invasion Of A Middle Eastern Country For Two To Three Years.

If God Doesn't Destroy Hollywood Boulevard, He Owes Sodom And Gomorrah An Apology.

Is It Me Or Is President Bush's Life Starting To Sound Like A Country Song. He's From Texas, His Dog Just Died, And It Looks Like He Might Lose His Job. Next Thing, His Truck Is Going To Break Down.

They Say If The Warming Trend Continues, By 2015 Hillary Clinton Might Actually Thaw Out.

American Forces In Iraq Found $650 Million In American Cash Sealed In A Hidden Cottage. See, This Is Why President Bush Wants To Invade Iraq, The Whole Place Is Oil And Cash. It's Like Republican Disneyland.

Remember When Obama Was Campaigning? Didn't He Say He Was Going To Close Guantanamo Bay? Didn't He Say That? Apparently, He Just Meant For Renovations.

The Worst Thing About Losing This Job: I’m No Longer Covered By Nbc. I Have To Sign Up For Obamacare.

When President Chirac Gave [president] Bush A Souvenir Statue Of The Eiffel Tower... Bush Said 'this Is Great! A Little Oil Rig!'

Big Scandal On The New 'survivor' Series. The White, The Black And The Hispanic Teams Were Caught Cheating Off The Asian Team.

Astronomers Have Discovered A Planet That Is Twice The Size Of Earth And Made Of Diamonds. President Obama Says The Planet May Be Inhabited By Aliens Not Paying Their Fair Share.

The First Lady Said About Her Husband, 'i Could Take Up A Whole Afternoon Talking About His Failures.' And Today She Was Offered Her Own Show On Fox News.

Good News. President Bush Is Creating Thousands Of New Jobs. Unfortunately, All Of Them Are At The White House.

Sen. Joe Biden, On The Day Of Announcing His Candidacy For President Of The United States, Called Barack Obama The First Mainstream African-american Who Is Articulate, Bright, And . . . Clean. I Think We've Seen The Shortest Presidential Campaign In History.

African American

Last Night, We Had The First Gubernatorial Debate. Some People Are Criticizing Schwarzenegger For Not Going. They Say Arnold Goes Around Telling People He Cares, Everything Is Going To Be Great, Forget About Everything He Did In The '70s. Hey, It Worked For George Bush.

As You Know, John Mccain Is An Older, White-haired Man Who Has Been In The Senate For Over Twenty Years, Voted For The Iraq War, And Said Barack Obama Did Not Have The Experience To Be President. I'm Sorry, That's Our Intro For Next Week When Joe Biden Is On, I Got Confused.

Do You Realize That The Bush Administration Has Now Produced More Gay Marriages Than Jobs?

"this Is Now The Twelfth Day Of Rioting In France. They Have Been Rioting For Almost Two Weeks. And France Has Still Not Surrendered. That's Like A Record.

In The Enron Scandal, Whistleblower Sherron Watkins Is Now Calling Herself Enron Brokovitch. She Testified Ken Lay Was Duped By The Other Executives. Oh, Yeah. When Is The Last Time You Got Duped And Made $100 Million?

Here Is Your Government At Work. A Congressman From Colorado Said He Wants To Draft A Rule That Would Make It Unethical To Have A Sexual Relationship With An Intern. Only Congress Would Need A Rule To Tell Them Cheating On Their Wives Is Not Ethical. Don't We Have That Rule? I Believe It's Called The Sixth Commandment.

Border Agents Have Now Been Issued Air Guns That Shoot Pepper Balls At People Coming Across The Mexican Border. Have They Thought This Through? Is That Going To Bother People From Mexico? Pepper Balls? Don't These People Eat Jalapenos? Isn't That Like Firing Meatballs At An Italian Guy?

The White House Approved An Exemption In Obamacare Coverage For Congress And Members Of Their Staff. Members Complained That The Affordable Care Act Will Cost Them Thousands Extra A Year In Premiums. Wait A Minute. It's Their Bill. If It's Too Expensive, Why Did They Name It The Affordable Care Act?

The Reigning Miss Canada Has Been Arrested For Punching Out Another Woman In A Bar Fight.quite Frankly, I Think It's Refreshing To Finally Find One Beauty Pageant Winner Who Is Against World Peace.

Enron's President, Ken Lay, Passed Away Last Week. So, I Guess Even God Lost Money On That Enron Deal. I Believe The Official Cause Of Death Was Listed As "karma." The Family Asked In Lieu Of Flowers, Please Send Some Elderly Retiree's Entire Life Savings.

In Greece, The Unemployment Rate Has Risen To 22%. The Solution To The Problem Was To Raise Taxes On The Rich, According To The Greek President Barack Obama-opolis.

President Bush Has Urged People To Get Back To Normal And Today Congress Announced That They Are Accepting Bribes Again.

On Capitol Hill, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales Raised His Right Hand, Swore To Tell The Truth, And Then Everybody Had A Good Laugh And Went Back To What They Were Doing.

Jack Abramoff Is Going To Testify Against Some Of The Other Weasels In Congress. A Lobbyist Testifying Against Congressmen? How Many Bibles Are Going To Burst Into Flames In That Courtroom?

It's Casual Friday, Which Means That At The White House, They're Casually Going Through Everybody's Phone Calls And Records.

Have You Noticed How The Republicans And Democrats Try To Copy Each Other At Their Conventions. Like At The Democratic Convention John Kerry's Daughter Told A Story About How He Once Gave Cpr To Her Hamster. At The Republican Convention The Bush Girls Are Going To Tell A Story About How When Their Hamster Was Bad, Their Dad Built Them A Little Electric Chair.

Kerry Is Well On His Way To Reaching His Magic Number Of 2,162. That's The Total Number Of Delegates He Needs To Win The Democratic Nomination. See For President Bush It's Different - His Magic Number Is 5. That's The Number Of Supreme Court Judges Needed To Win.

You Can Tell You Ate Too Much For Thanksgiving When You Have To Let Your Bathrobe Out.

Funny Thanksgiving

The Liberals Are Asking Us To Give Obama Time. We Agree...and Think 25 To Life Would Be Appropriate.

House Speaker John Boehner Says President Obama Should Have Clearly Outlined His Exact Plans Before Bombing Libya. Apparently It's Only Iraq Where You Don't Have To Do That.

Al Gore Has Found A New Job. He Is Going To Teach Journalism At Columbia University, Which Is Ironic Isn't It? The Guy Who Did All The Coke Winds Up Going To The White House, The Guy Who Didn't Do Coke Goes To Columbia.

One Of The Taliban Spokesmen Said They Have Thousands Of Men Who Look Forward To Death Like Americans Look Forward To Living, Which Is Great Because We Can Arrange That. We'll Set Them Up With Death, We'll Continue Living.

John Kerry Reportedly Flew In His Private Hairdresser Before His "meet The Press" Interview For A Total Cost Of $1,000. That's $1,000 For A Haircut, Which Sounds Like A Lot, But Have You Seen The Size Of Kerry's Head.

Thousands Of Dead Fish Have Now Washed Up On Shore Along The Coast Of South Carolina. Today The Nra Said That This Wouldn't Have Happened If Those Fish Had Guns.

Stephen Hawking Is Getting A Divorce. That's Scary. If The Smartest Guy In The World Can't Figure Out Women, We're Screwed.

Well, All Across The Country, This Is Kind Of Sad, Unemployment Offices Are Swamped With People Waiting To File For Unemployment Insurance. It's Gotten So Bad That The Offices Are Overwhelmed And Can't Function. I Got An Idea. Why Don't You Hire More People? They're Right There In Line. Speed This Whole Thing Up!

Politics Is Just Show Business For Ugly People.

The Other Night, President Bush's Press Conference Was Pre-empted By 'american Idol.' You Know The Difference Between President Bush And 'american Idol?' See, On 'american Idol,' The One With The Most Votes Wins.

The Nation's Largest Savings And Loan, Washington Mutual, Has Become The Biggest Bank Failure In History. See, The Problem With The Savings And Loans? Not Enough Savings, Too Many Stupid Loans, Okay In Fact, They Changed Their Name From Wamu To 'screw You.'

According To The L.a. Times, Attorney General John Ashcroft Wants To Take "a Harder Stance" On The Death Penalty. What's A Harder Stance On The Death Penalty? We're Already Killing The Guy? How Do You Take A Harder Stance On The Death Penalty? What, Are You Going To Tickle Him First? Give Him Itching Powder? Put A Thumbtack On The Electric Chair?

British Scientists Say They Have Developed A Super Broccoli That Can Help Fight Heart Disease. You Know, If You Want To Fight Heart Disease, Why Don't You Come Up With A Food People Will Actually Eat? Like A Super Glazed Doughnut.

According To The New York Times, The Mob Has Now Gotten Into Medicare Fraud. But The Good News Is, When They Do Break Your Legs There's A Good Chance You're Covered.

More And More Facts Coming Out About Osama Bin Laden. You Know, He Never Sleeps In The Same Place Two Nights In A Row, Just Like Clinton.

A German Psychologist Says That Women Talk More Than Men Because They Have A Bigger Vocabulary. But, It Evens Out Because Men Only Listen Half The Time.

I Was Watching Discovery Channel The Other Day, And You Know That They Have Come Up With A New Theory About How Dinosaurs Was Wiped Out? It Was A Midturn Election.

Mitt Romney Is Predicting That As President, He Will Create 12 Million Jobs In His First Term. Well, President Obama Says A Romney Presidency Would Result In Lost Jobs. Yeah, His And Biden's.

You're Not Famous Until My Mother Has Heard Of You.

Disneyland Celebrated Its 40th Anniversary By Burying A Time Capsule. They Say It Will Be Dug Up In 50 Years - Or When The Last Person In Line At Space Mountain Gets To The Front, Whichever Comes First.

President Obama Told A Group Of School Children That Broccoli Was His Favorite Food, And They Believed Him. Then He Told Them Obamacare Would Reduce The Deficit And The Kids All Busted Out Laughing.

I Don't Understand The United Nations. They Have Selected Iran To Sit On The U.n.'s Women's Rights Panel. Iran! Also On The Panel - Ben Roethlisberger, Chris Brown, Phil Spector, Robert Blake And Committee Chairman O.j. Simpson.

Major League Baseball Has Asked Its Players To Stop Tossing Baseballs Into The Stands During Games, Because They Say Fans Fight Over Them And They Get Hurt. In Fact, The Florida Marlins Said That's Why They Never Hit Any Home Runs. It's A Safety Issue.

Senator John Kerry Released His Plan Today To Eliminate The Deficit. He Said All We Have To Do Is Find A Really Rich Country Like Switzerland And Marry It.

Well, Joe Biden Has Done It Again. He Showed Up At The White House Passover Seder With A Bunch Of Ham Sandwiches.

Isn't This Amazing? Clinton Is Getting $8m For His Memoir, Hillary Got $8m For Her Memoir. That Is $16m For Two People Who For Eight Years Couldn't Remember Anything.

Real Movement In The Kerry Campaign Now. His Poll Numbers Are Moving, Donations Are Moving, Endorsements Are Moving. The Only Thing Not Moving Is His Hair.

Rick Perry Was Philosophical About (his Election Losses). He Said, 'last Week Was Iowa. Yesterday Was New Hampshire. ' He Said At Least It's Giving Him A Chance To Learn The Names Of All The States.

Presidential Democratic Front-runner Howard Dean Admitted To Chris Matthews On The 'hardball' Show That He Got Out Of The Draft Because Of A Bad Back. He Had A Curvature Of The Spine. Apparently It Curved Too Far To The Left.

We Live In What's Called An Open Society, Which Of Course Means They Open Our Emails, Open Our Phone Records, And Open Our Medical Records.

In America, We Like Everyone To Know About The Good Work We're Doing Anonymously.

According To A Survey In This Week's Time Magazine, 85% Of Americans Think Global Warming Is Happening. The Other 15% Work For The White House.

Mitt Romney Has A New Fundraising Gimmick. If You Donate $3 Or More To His Campaign, Your Name Will Be Entered Into A Drawing To Win A Dinner With Mitt Romney And Donald Trump. If You Donate More Than $10, You Get To Sit At A Different Table.

They Always Say The Miss America Pageant Isn't A Beauty Contest, It's Really A Scholarship Program. If That's The Case, Why Don't We Just Put All The Contestants On 'jeopardy!' And Pick Miss America That Way? At Least You Get The Smartest One.

Soup Is Probably A Way Associated With Screwing You Outside Of A Meal.

The Longest-serving Republican Senator, Alaska's Ted Stevens, Found Guilty Just A Few Hours Ago On All Charges In His Corruption Trial. Do You Know This Story? He Failed To Report He Had Some Work Done On His House. Yeah, Here's The Bad Part. You Know Who Did The Work? Joe The Plumber. Unlicensed.

A Survey Released Today Found That Men Spend Twice As Much On Their Mistresses For Christmas As They Do On Their Wives. On The Other Hand, Men Spend Half Their Income On The Wives When The Wife Finds Out About The Mistress. So It All Balances Out.

Italian Authorities Seized $6 Trillion Worth Of Fake, Worthless U.s. Treasury Bonds. Pretty Good Counterfeit Job, Too. They Look Just Like The Genuine, Worthless Treasury Bonds.

The Heaviest Snowfall In Over 60 Years Is Being Reported In Beijing, China. To Give You An Idea Of How Bad It Is, The Army Is Now Using Snowplows To Run Over Dissidents.

The Latest Issue Of Gq Magazine, John Kerry Talks About What A Man Should Look For In A Woman. Gq? If John Kerry Is Going To Talk About What He Likes In A Woman, Shouldn't It Be In Fortune Or Money Magazine?

Jesse Jackson Also Said He Thought Barack Obama Was Talking Down To Black People By Lecturing Them On Things Like Fatherhood And Being A Responsible Husband. Jesse Thought It Was Insulting, Not Only To Him, But To His Former Mistress And Their Love Child.

The Economy Is So Bad That Bedbugs Are Now Infesting Sleeping Bags And Tents, Because They Can't Afford To Stay In Hotels Anymore.

A New Poll Shows That Americans Now Believe That Bill Clinton Is More Honest Than President Bush. At Least When Clinton Screwed The Nation, He Did It One Person At A Time.

Your Preoccupation Should Be On Doing What You Do As Well As You Can.

A Democratic Congressman Said That He Worries That The Irs Scandal Might Have A Chilling Effect On The Ira And That They Might Be Afraid To Audit People. So Finally Some Good Is Coming Out Of All Of This.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Made His Tax Returns Public, [and] Now There's A Problem About Him Stretching The Truth. Apparently Under Occupation He Put Down 'actor.'

You Know What Ken Lay Had For Breakfast This Morning? Shredded Wheat.

Researchers Found A Frog In New Guinea That Is So Tiny, They Believe It's The Smallest Vertebrate On The Planet. It Has The Tiniest Backbone Of Any Living Creature, Except Members Of Congress.

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld Said This Week There's A Good Chance We Never Get Bin Laden. Bin Laden! We Couldn't Even Get O.j.!

We Had President Obama On The Show Last Night. I Think The President Enjoys Visiting Nbc Because We're The Only Place That Has Lower Numbers Than He Does.

106 [degrees] In The Valley... I Was Sweating Like Dan Rather Checking For Forged Documents.

Wikipedia Was Offline After An Overheating Problem At One Of Its Data Centers. It Was Pretty Bad. For A While There, People Had Nowhere To Go For Phony, Inaccurate Information.

A Man In Florida Has Been Arrested For Wearing A President Obama Mask While Robbing A Mcdonald's. To Show You How Good This Guy's Disguise Was, Instead Of A Holdup Note He Was Reading From A Teleprompter.

When They Said "make Love, Not War" At Woodstock, They Never Imagined That One Would Become As Dangerous As The Other.

When A Candidate Walks Away From A Reality Show, That's When You Know They're Serious About Being President Of The United States.

Anyway, A Spokesman For Barack Obama Says The Prisoners That Are Released From Guantanamo Will Either Be Sent Back To Their Home Countries Or Enter The New York City Cab Driver Training Program.

Texas Gov. Rick Perry Referred To The Mexican City Of Juarez As The Most Dangerous City In America. In His Defense, He Probably Just Thought It Was An American City Because There Were So Many Mexicans There.

The Obama Administration Asked General Motors Ceo Rick Wagoner To Step Down, And He Agreed. This Is Good News For Obama; The Last Time He Tried To Get Someone To Quit, It Took Months -- And Even Then, He Had To Promise Her A Job As Secretary Of State. ... According To The Government, Rick Wagoner Was Forced To Resign Because Of Poor Performance. That's Embarrassing -- Run An Organization That Loses Billions Of Dollars And Then Get Fired By A Guy Who Heads Up An Organization That Loses Trillions Of Dollars.

Thanksgiving, When The Indians Said, "well, This Has Been Fun, But We Know You Have A Long Voyage Back To England".

John Kerry Fell Off Of His Bicycle Over The Weekend. He Went For A Sunday Afternoon Ride, Fell Off In Front Of The News Media. Luckily, His Hair Broke The Fall So It's Not As Serious. ... Thankfully, Senator Kerry Was Not Seriously Injured. In Fact, When The Police Arrived, Kerry Was Well Enough To Give Conflicting Reports To The Officers About What Happened.

Ann Landers Said That You Are Addicted To Sex If You Have Sex More Than 3 Times A Day, And That You Should Seek Professional Help. I Have News For Ann Landers: The Only Way I Am Going To Get Sex 3 Times A Day Is If I Seek Professional Help.

In A New Issue Of Esquire Magazine, They Revealed That Before He Was Married To Teresa Heinz, Senator John Kerry Dated Morgan Fairchild, Michelle Phillips, Catherine Oxenberg And Dana Delany. Finally A Democratic Presidential Candidate With Good Taste In Women.

Con Artists Are Using Obamacare Confusion To Sign People Up For Fake Health Insurance. The Scammers Lure Victims With False Promises Like, 'if You Like Your Healthcare Plan, You Can Keep Your Healthcare Plan.' The Scammers Will Tell You That, So You Have To Be Careful.

If God Had Wanted Us To Vote, He Would Have Given Us Candidates.

Political Wisdom

In People Magazine, Madonna Said Her Life Has Been Exhausting Since She Started Her World Tour. She Said There Isn't A Second Of Her Life That Isn't Taken Up Looking After Her Family Or Thinking Of Her Show - Her Day Is Filled With Problems Of Work And Family. Someone Should Tell Her, Everyone Else Calls That, Life.

But The Good News, The Crime Rate Is Down. Isn't That Amazing? Less Banks Are Being Robbed. Well, Sure. A, There's Less Banks. B, The Banks Don't Have Any Money Left. And C, Nobody's Got Gas Money For The Getaway Car. So, Right There, Crime Is Down!

Major Heat Wave In India - 122 Degrees Today. It Was So Hot People In India Were Sweating Like Americans Waiting To Hear If Their Job Is Being Outsourced To India.

I Don't Mean To Harp On This, But It's Like The Networks Are A How-to Manual For Terrorists. You See Them On The News. This Reporter Is Standing Outside A Water Treatment Plant, Going, 'if They Poured The Poison Here It Could Wipe Out Thousands Because The Guard Is Off Duty From Noon Until 1 Every Day!'

So, The Phoenix Suns Are Wearing Jerseys Written In Spanish, Made In China, Modeled After Their Best Player, Canadian Steve Nash. There You Go. That Is America.

Scientists Think They Can Now Clone An All-white Zebra. Now, I'm No Expert, But Isn't That A Horse?

Osama Bin Laden Has Hired 10 Look-alikes. Now, How Hard Up Do You Have To Be Before You Take That Job? There's No Way To Win! If Osama Dies, You Don't Get Paid. If You're Found, You Get Killed.

Howard Dean Is A Politician, A Medical Doctor And A Democrat. So He Has Three Reasons To Tell Women To Take Off Their Clothes Now.

Big News On Cnn, A Search Has Uncovered Illegal Biochemical Agents, Toxins And Other Dangerous Substances. Not In Iraq, In Rush Limbaugh's Medicine Cabinet.

Like In [the 1950s] If You Wanted To Ruin Someone´s Career In Hollywood You Claimed He Was A Communist. Nowadays, You Want To Ruin Someone´s Career In Hollywood, You Claim They Are Republican.

A New Study Shows That American Students Are Becoming Less Proficient In Science, And If The Trend Continues, We Will Become A Nation That's Science And Chemistry Illiterate. And You Thought A Lot Of Meth Labs Are Blowing Up Now?

55% Of All Americans Lose Their Remote Control 5 Times A Week. That Means That They Must See The Same Show For Up To 3-4 Minutes A Time!

There Are Over 30 Doctors Running For The Us Congress This Year. That's Going To Be Rather Strange. Half The Time These Folks Will Be Playing God And Asking Women To Take Their Clothes Off And The Other Half The Time They Will Be Doctors.

As You May Have Heard, Former President Bill Clinton Says He's Coming Here To California To Help Governor Gray Davis In His Recall Election Campaign. Which Is Ironic, Isn't It? When Clinton Was President, He Couldn't Recall Anything.

They Said That President Bush's War In Iraq Has Cost The Former Spanish Prime Minister His Job. So President Bush Isn't Losing American Jobs Anymore, He's Branching Out To Other Countries.

President Bush Spent The Day Calling Names He Couldn't Pronounce In Countries He Never Knew Existed.

President Obama And House Speaker John Boehner Have Agreed To Play A Round Of Golf Together. Imagine The Two Of Them At The End Of That Golf Game? Boehner Will Be Crying Over His Score And Obama Will Be Giving Three Explanations As To Why His Score Is Actually Better Than It Appears.

I Believe Engineers Will Save The World.

Michele Bachmann Said That If She Is Elected President, She Would Consider Eliminating The Department Of Education Because "the States Could Do A Gooder Job.

Democratic Presidential Candidate John Kerry Came Down Pretty Hard On Fellow Candidate Howard Dean This Weekend. After Dean Misspoke Several Times, Kerry Said You Can't Misspeak 15 Times In A Week And Be President. And Bush Said, 'you Can't'?

In A Landmark Decision, The Supreme Court Ruled President Obama's Healthcare Mandate Is Constitutional. This Is A Major Victory For President Obama, Who Spent Three Years Promoting It, And A Major Setback For Mitt Romney, Who Spent Three Years Creating It.

Actually, Joe Biden Looked Pretty Good. In Fact, Joe's Popularity Has Gone From 1% To 2% Last Week To 3% Today. At This Rate, He Could Win The Nomination By The Year 2032.

Attorney General John Ashcroft Has Been Hospitalized. I Believe He Is Suffering From Homophobia. No, Actually, It Was Just Gallstones, But When They Gave Him The Hospital Gown That Opens In The Back, He Refused To Wear It, He Thought It Was A Gay Wedding Dress.

At The Airport If You Refuse To Be Patted Down, They Arrest You. And What's The First Thing They Do When They Arrest You? They Pat You Down.

According To A New Study, Botox Injections Can Help Back Pain. So You See, That's Why John Kerry Had All That Botox - His Back Was Killing Him From All That Flip-flopping On Issues.

It Seemed That After He Was Killed, Gadhafi's Body Was Stored At A Commercial Freezer At A Shopping Mall. It's One Thing To Hunt A Guy Down And Shoot Him Twice In The Head, But Then To Drag Him To The Mall? Come On, Guys Hate That.

Political Experts Are Saying The Reason John Kerry Is Doing So Well Is Because He's 'electable.' Hey, So Was Al Gore - In Fact, He Even Got Elected And It Didn't Help Him At All.

Happiness Is A Privilege.

A New Study Shows That The Child Population In San Francisco Is Dwindling And In Fact San Francisco Has The Smallest Share Of Children Of Any Major City In The United States. That's Odd, Huh? For Some Reason Couples In San Francisco Don't Seem To Be Reproducing As Much As Couples In Other Cities. Gee, I Wonder What The Problem Is There? You Think It Might Be Something In The Rice-a-roni?

According To A New Study, 63% Of Men Surveyed Said They Like To Settle An Argument By Having Sex. The Other 37% Of The Men Said They Would Never Want To Get Into An Argument With Those Men.

Trending Author

Agatha Christie

John Forbes Nash

Jordana Brewster

Sherman Hemsley

Category