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Tomorrow, America's Most Famous Hockey Mom, Sarah Palin, Will Drop The Ceremonial First Puck At The Philadelphia Flyers Game. Right Afterwards, She'll Get Out On The Ice And Skate Around Reporters' Questions, So It Should Be Interesting.

-Jay Leno

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Tomorrow, America's Most Famous

Jay Leno

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Tomorrow, America's Most Famous Hockey Mom, Sarah Palin, Will Drop The Ceremonial First Puck At The Philadelphia Flyers Game. Right Afterwards, She'll Get Out On The Ice And Skate Around Reporters' Questions, So It Should Be Interesting.

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In America, We Like Everyone To Know About The Good Work We're Doing Anonymously.

Yesterday, Saddam Hussein Got 100 Percent Of The Vote. Well, That's According To Saddam's Campaign Manager, Jeb Hussein.

Actually, The University Of California Says They May Start A Marijuana Research Center. Really? I Thought The University Of California Was A Marijuana Research Center.

Pundits Are Saying That President Obama Is Starting To Lose Support Among His Own Party. To Give You An Idea Of How Bad It's Gotten, Today Jimmy Carter Compared Him To Jimmy Carter.

The Stock Market Was Down Today. Two Major Businesses Declared Bankruptcy, Consumer Spending Is At An All Time Low - In Other Words, Bush Is Back On The Job.

I Understand The Chairman Of The Senate Ethics Comittee Is Going To Examine The Check-bouncing Scandal With A Microscope. ...makes Sense... If You're Going To Look At Ethics In Congress, A Microscope Is What You Need.

Postal Inspectors Have Been Given Advanced Warning That Publishers Clearinghouse Is Sending Packets Of Laundry Detergent That Could Be Mistaken For Anthrax. Oh, Good Timing. What Genius Came Up With This Promotion? What's Next - A Ticking Alarm Clock? Let's Put That In A Box.

But The Good News, The Crime Rate Is Down. Isn't That Amazing? Less Banks Are Being Robbed. Well, Sure. A, There's Less Banks. B, The Banks Don't Have Any Money Left. And C, Nobody's Got Gas Money For The Getaway Car. So, Right There, Crime Is Down!

9% Would Give Up Sex For The Remote Control. 91% Has Already Given Up Sex For The Remote Control!

Nineteen Percent Of Doctors Say That They'd Be Able To Give Their Patients A Lethal Injection. But They Also Went On To Say That The Patient Would Have To Be Really, Really Behind On Payments.

China Is Now Expected To Surpass Japan As The 2nd Richest Country In The World. They Could Become The Richest, But That's Only If We Pay Them The Money We Owe Them, And That's Not Going To Happen.

Now See, A Lot Of Critics Are Saying Arnold Can't Get Elected Because He's Just An Ambitious Guy With A Famous Name, Who Doesn't Know Anything About Running The Government. Didn't Hurt George Bush.

President Bush Listed His Income As $822,000. You Know What John Kerry Calls Someone Who Earns $822,000? Not Even Worth Dating.

Isn't This Amazing? Clinton Is Getting $8m For His Memoir, Hillary Got $8m For Her Memoir. That Is $16m For Two People Who For Eight Years Couldn't Remember Anything.

A Student At The University Of Wisconsin In Madison Spent 90 Days Technology Free. He Went Without A Cell Phone, Facebook, Twitter, Or Any Social Media Of Any Kind. And You Know What Really Improved? His Driving!

Bill Clinton Is The Only Ex-president Who Hasn't Planned His Own Funeral. But, In His Defense, In The Past He Has Said He Wants To Be Buried Next To Hillary. I Guess He Figures He Never Slept Next To Her When They Were Alive, Might As Well Try It Now That They're Dead.

The Longest-serving Republican Senator, Alaska's Ted Stevens, Found Guilty Just A Few Hours Ago On All Charges In His Corruption Trial. Do You Know This Story? He Failed To Report He Had Some Work Done On His House. Yeah, Here's The Bad Part. You Know Who Did The Work? Joe The Plumber. Unlicensed.

Republicans Are Calling The Bush-cheney Ticket The 'wizard Of Oz' Ticket. One Needs A Heart And The Other Needs A Brain.

There's This Huge Controversy Over The Fact That President Bush Apparently Received Credit For National Guard Service In Alabama In '72 And '73 Even Though His Commanding Officers Are Saying He Never Reported. I Think What's Even More Disturbing Is That He Received Enough Credits To Graduate From Yale.

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld Said This Week There's A Good Chance We Never Get Bin Laden. Bin Laden! We Couldn't Even Get O.j.!

That American Taliban Kid Johnny Walker Was Indicted Today. Ten Counts Of Terrorism. He Could Get 5 Life Sentences. In Taliban Terms, That's 360 Virgins.

New Year's Eve, Where Auld Acquaintance Be Forgot. Unless, Of Course, Those Tests Come Back Positive.

President Bush Has Urged People To Get Back To Normal And Today Congress Announced That They Are Accepting Bribes Again.

So, Wesley Clark Is Running For President. Pretty Amazing Guy. Four Star General, First In His Class At West Point, Supreme Commander Of Nato, Saw Combat In Vietnam, Won The Bronze Star, Silver Star, The Purple Heart For Being Wounded In Battle. See, I'm No Political Expert, But That Sounds Pretty Good Next To Choking On A Pretzel, Falling Off A Scooter And Dropping The Dog.

Nissan Is Designing A Car That Will Read The Driver's Mind. I Already Know What I'm Going To Do. I Want A Car That Will Read The Other Guy's Mind.

We Had President Obama On The Show Last Night. I Think The President Enjoys Visiting Nbc Because We're The Only Place That Has Lower Numbers Than He Does.

Barack Obama's Daughters Are Very Smart. They Told Him They Will Take The Same Responsibility For The Dog That He Is Taking For The Economy. That Way, If The Dog Leaves A Mess In The White House, It'll Be Cleaned Up By Future Generations.

The Bush Administration Has Apparently Approved A Plan To Oust Saddam Hussein. I Think That's President Bush's Father's Day Gift To His Dad.

Howard Dean Announced Today He Will Campaign In Seven States. The States Are Rage, Frenzy, Fury, Rath, Fever, Agitation, And Delirium. Yeeeeaaaah!

Mitt Romney Is Predicting That As President, He Will Create 12 Million Jobs In His First Term. Well, President Obama Says A Romney Presidency Would Result In Lost Jobs. Yeah, His And Biden's.

Rumors Have Restarted That The Republican Ticket Will Not Be Bush-cheney. But Today Those Rumors Were Put To Rest When Cheney Said, 'no, I'm Keeping Him On The Ticket.'

Courtney Love Said She Once Escorted Kerry To A Concert. John Kerry Once Went Out With Courtney Love And He's Questioning Bush's Judgment.

Soup Is Just A Way Of Screwing You Out Of A Meal.

It Really Kind Of Looks Like Now That John Kerry Is On His Way To The Presidential Nomination. The Only Thing That Can Sink John Kerry Now Is An Al Gore Endorsement.

It Seems The Journal Of Neurology Reports That The Longer You Smoke, The Less Likely You Are To Develop Parkinson's Disease. So What Are They Telling Us? Follow Me Guys. Remember, A Couple Of Months Ago, Doctors Said Drinking A Glass Of Alcohol Every Day Was Good For Your Heart. Smoking Prevents Parkinson's Disease. Marijuana Is Good For Glaucoma. Sex Is Good For Your Prostate. You Know, Screw Health Care. Let's Party!

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