Background Image

...

Arnold Schwarzenegger Is Blaming Man For Global Warming. And Today, Al Gore Agreed With Him. That's So Typical. Two Cyborgs, 'oh, Let's Blame The Humans.'

-Jay Leno

...

Please Wait....
Translating....

Arnold Schwarzenegger Is Blaming

Jay Leno

...

Arnold Schwarzenegger Is Blaming Man For Global Warming. And Today, Al Gore Agreed With Him. That's So Typical. Two Cyborgs, 'oh, Let's Blame The Humans.'

Views: 13

Topic

More From Jay Leno

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld Said This Week There's A Good Chance We Never Get Bin Laden. Bin Laden! We Couldn't Even Get O.j.!

With The Presidential Debates Right Around The Corner, John Kerry Is Going To Play Mitt Romney To Help The President Prepare For The Debates. That's Kind Of A Stretch; A Rich White Guy From Massachusetts Playing A Rich White Guy From Massachusetts.

A Lot Of Controversy Over This Possible Invasion Of Iraq. In Fact, Nelson Mandela Was So Upset, He Called Bush's Dad. How Embarrassing, When World Leaders Start Calling Your Father.

Rick Santorum Is So Conservative; He Thinks Ky Jelly Is Jam Made In Kentucky.

They Say Hot Dogs Can Kill You. How Do You Know It's Not The Bun?

Last Night I Went Out For Chinese. I Picked Up A Team Usa Olympic Uniform.

Another Air Traffic Controller Fell Asleep On The Job, But He Had A Good Excuse. He Was Watching President Obama’s Deficit Speech.

More And More Facts Coming Out About Osama Bin Laden. You Know, He Never Sleeps In The Same Place Two Nights In A Row, Just Like Clinton.

According To A New Study, 63% Of Men Surveyed Said They Like To Settle An Argument By Having Sex. The Other 37% Of The Men Said They Would Never Want To Get Into An Argument With Those Men.

In His Big Victory Speech Last Night, Senator Kerry Said That He Wanted To Defeat George Bush And The 'economy Of Privilege.' Then He Hugged His Wife, Teresa, Heir To The Multi-million Dollar Heinz Food Fortune.

It Is Day Two Of The Democratic Convention, And Apparently They Had A Huge Lighting Problem In The Convention Hall Today. They Worked All Day On It. They Still Couldn't Get President Obama Out Of Bill Clinton's Shadow.

Wikipedia Was Offline After An Overheating Problem At One Of Its Data Centers. It Was Pretty Bad. For A While There, People Had Nowhere To Go For Phony, Inaccurate Information.

If God Had Wanted Us To Vote, He Would Have Given Us Candidates.

Political Wisdom

Pundits Are Saying That President Obama Is Starting To Lose Support Among His Own Party. To Give You An Idea Of How Bad It's Gotten, Today Jimmy Carter Compared Him To Jimmy Carter.

The Difference Between Men And Women Is That Men Love The 3 Stooges, And Women Think They're Assholes.

President Bush Said It's Now Time For A Change In Iraq And He Wants Them To Have A Western-style Democracy Like Ours. So Right Now In Iraq, The Economy Is Collapsing, Businessmen Are Corrupt, And Hussein Wants His Son To Take Over As President. Sounds Like Mission Accomplished.

Now See, A Lot Of Critics Are Saying Arnold Can't Get Elected Because He's Just An Ambitious Guy With A Famous Name, Who Doesn't Know Anything About Running The Government. Didn't Hurt George Bush.

More And More Details Coming Out Now About Spoiled Rich Kid Osama Bin Laden. Time Reports This Week He Was One Of 52 Kids. Mother Must Be Exhausted. This Guy Inherited $80 Million At Age 13 And Has Since Expanded It To $300 Million Through Construction, Smart Investments And Gas And Oil Investments. This Way, He Can Use The Money In His War Against Capitalism.

Kerry Has Already Begun His Search For A Running Mate. They Say That Because John Edwards Still Has $50 Million In Campaign Money, Kerry Might Pick Him. Pick Him? Hey, For $50 Million, Kerry Will Marry Him.

You Know What Really Makes This Embarrassing? The Other Day The President Said The Leaders In Iraq Are 'ready To Take Off The Training Wheels.' That's What He Said, 'take Off The Training Wheels.' Then He Goes Out And Falls Off His Bicycle. And They Wonder Why The Rest Of The World Doesn't Take Us Seriously.

Clinton's Pet Labrador, Buddy, Is Getting Neutered. The Dog Will Never Have Sex Again. Overnight, They've Turned Buddy From A Democrat Into A Republican.

Thanksgiving Began In 1621 When Native Americans Sat Down With A Bunch Of Undocumented Pilgrims. They Had Dinner And The Pilgrims Never Left.

Native American

There Are Now More Obese People In The United States Than There Are Overweight People. I Think It's Safe To Say That After All These Years, Diet Coke Is A Complete Failure.

According To The New York Times, More Than Half Of President Obama's Twitter Followers Are Fake. They Don't Even Exist. Which Is Actually A Good Thing Because If They Did Exist There Wouldn't Be Any Jobs For Them.

Former U.s. House Majority Leader, Tom Delay, Has Been Sentenced To Three Years In Prison. One Year For Money Laundering And Two More For His Performance On 'dancing With The Stars.'

Majority Leader

President Obama Signed A Bill Preventing Members Of Congress From Profiting From Insider Trading. Didn't You Think That Was Already Illegal?

In An Exclusive Interview With The Christian Broadcasting Network Donald Trump Said "i Believe In God." But Of Course The Donald Was Talking About Himself.

John Kerry Now Getting Slammed By The Republicans Because Of A Botched Joke He Did About President Bush And Iraq In A Recent Speech. Kerry Was Stunned About This. He Said, 'what? People Are Listening To My Speeches?'

Stephen Hawking Is Getting A Divorce. That's Scary. If The Smartest Guy In The World Can't Figure Out Women, We're Screwed.

The Key To A Long And Healthy Marriage Is That, Honestly, There's Nothing Worth Fighting About.

If We Go Down In Flames, We Will Be Laughing On The Way Down, Believe Me.

President Obama Said He Plans On Training 10,000 New Math And Science Teachers. How About Teaching Math To That Economic Team Of His?

Republican Congressman Pete Hoekstra Has Charged The Bush Administration With Keeping Programs Secret From Congress. Somehow No One From Congress Reads The New York Times, I Guess.

The Military Said We'll Be Able To Confirm Saddam Is Dead With Dna Testing. Apparently We Have A Sample Of His Dna. So Monica Lewinsky Is Working For The Cia?

Barack Obama Said Today That Politics Has Become Too Gummed Up By Money And Influence ... And Then He Had To Leave To Attend A Fundraiser.

Women Get A Little More Excited About New Year's Eve Than Men Do. It's Like An Excuse: You Drink Too Much, You Make A Lot Of Promises You're Not Going To Keep; The Next Morning As Soon As You Wake Up You Start Breaking Them. For Men, We Just Call That A Date.

President Obama And House Speaker John Boehner Have Agreed To Play A Round Of Golf Together. Imagine The Two Of Them At The End Of That Golf Game? Boehner Will Be Crying Over His Score And Obama Will Be Giving Three Explanations As To Why His Score Is Actually Better Than It Appears.

You Know What I'm Doing For Easter? I'm Gonna Be Hanging With My Peeps.

If Any Job Should Give You A Company Car, It's The Car Bomb Business.

Of Course, Republicans Still Can't Believe That Barack Obama Won The Nobel Peace Prize. But Then Democrats Can't Believe That Sarah Palin Wrote A Book.

I've Lost Some Weight. I Am On That New Obama Diet. Every Day I Let Vladimir Putin Eat My Lunch.

Michele Bachmann Told Reporters That She Will Lead The Nation In Prayer If She Is Elected President. You Know If She Is Elected President, We All Better Be Praying. She Doesn't Have To Lead Us.

According To A Survey In This Week's Time Magazine, 85% Of Americans Think Global Warming Is Happening. The Other 15% Work For The White House.

Herman Cain Told A Group Of Occupy Wall Street Protesters To Go Home, Get A Job, And Get A Life. That's The Republican Version Of Hope And Change, Ladies And Gentlemen.

Congratulations To Mexico. They Upset Brazil To Win A Gold Medal In Men's Soccer. And After The Olympics Ended, The Mexican Soccer Team, Of Course, Returned Home To Their Houses Here In Los Angeles.

Clinton Vetoed The Repeal Of The Marriage Tax. I Guess Bill Figures If He's Married, Then We All Have To Suffer.

Dean Is A Doctor But He Acts More Like A Postal Worker!

Senator Kerry Recovering Very Nicely After Having Shoulder Surgery. The Doctors Said The Senator Was Fully Awake, Lucid And Joking After The Surgery Was Done, But Cautioned That That Was Just The Drug. He Went Back To His Boring Self Soon Afterward.

65% Of People Say That Cheating On Your Income Tax Is Worse Than Cheating On Your Spouse. The Other 35% Were Women.

The Boston Globe Is Reporting That Democratic Presidential Candidate John Kerry Used To Date Actress Morgan Fairchild But It Didn't Work Out. Apparently She Couldn't Handle Dating Someone With Bigger Hair Then She Had.

John Kerry Met With Ralph Nader Last Week. Both Sides Of Every Issue Were Discussed. And Then, Nader Spoke.

Starbuck's Is Going To Start Selling Instant Coffee. This Is For People Who Want The Quality Of Sanka, But Want To Pay The High Starbuck's Price.

If Jay Spent As Much Time Studying As He Does Trying To Be A Comedian, He'd Be A Big Star.

President Bush Spent The Day Calling Names He Couldn't Pronounce In Countries He Never Knew Existed.

Governor Gray Davis Has Asked The California State Supreme Court To Delay The October Recall Vote Because He Says That's Not Enough Time To Put On A Fair Election. Hey, Let Me Tell You Something. If We Didn't Need A Fair Election To Pick The President Of The United States, We Don't Need A Fair Election To Pick The Governor Of California.

A Second Homeland Security Official Has Been Arrested, A 49-year-old Guy Named Frank Figueroa, He Was Caught Exposing And Fondling Himself To A Teenage Girl In A Shopping Mall In Florida. Do You Realize? If Osama Bin Laden Was A 14-year Old Girl, We Would Have Had Him By Now. ... Who Is Going To Start Protecting Us From The Department Of Homeland Security? ... It Kind Of Makes You Long For The Good Old Wholesome Days Of The Clinton Administration.

Hillary Clinton Said That Her Childhood Dream Was To Be An Olympic Athlete. But She Was Not Athletic Enough. She Said She Wanted To Be An Astronaut, But At The Time They Didn't Take Women. She Said She Wanted To Go Into Medicine, But Hospitals Made Her Woozy. Should She Be Telling People This Story? I Mean She's Basically Saying She Wants To Be President Because She Can't Do Anything Else.

President Obama Has Begun A Three-state Bus Tour. I Believe The Three States Are: Confusion, Delusion, And Desperation.

Big News On Cnn, A Search Has Uncovered Illegal Biochemical Agents, Toxins And Other Dangerous Substances. Not In Iraq, In Rush Limbaugh's Medicine Cabinet.

Anybody Can Have A Life. Careers Are Hard To Come By.

President Bush Went Out Touting His Economic Record In Ohio Last Week. Now This Is A State That Lost 225,000 Jobs Since Bush Took Office. You Know, If Bush Wants To Tout His Record, He Should Do It Somewhere Where The Bush Economy Has Actually Created Jobs, Like India, Or Thailand, Or China.

Here's Something To Think About: How Come You Never See A Headline Like 'psychic Wins Lottery'?

For Years President Obama Has Been Saying That No One Would Lose Their Healthcare Plan. Now The White House Has Admitted That In Fact Many People Will Lose Their Plans. But There Is A Way To Keep The Great Coverage You Have. Just Become A Member Of Congress. Then The Taxpayers Pay For The Whole Thing.

President Bush Has Unveiled His First Campaign Commercial, Highlighting All Of His Accomplishes In Office. That's Why It's A 60-second Spot.

As You May Have Heard, The U.s. Is Putting Together A Constitution For Iraq. Why Don't We Just Give Them Ours? Think About It - It Was Written By Very Smart People, It's Served Us Well For Over Two Hundred Years, And Besides, We're Not Using It Anymore.

President Obama Flew To A Rally In Las Vegas Last Night. However, He Did Not Visit Any Of The Casinos. You Know Why? When You're $16 Trillion In Debt, They Don't Let You In.

Major Heat Wave In India - 122 Degrees Today. It Was So Hot People In India Were Sweating Like Americans Waiting To Hear If Their Job Is Being Outsourced To India.

The White House Approved An Exemption In Obamacare Coverage For Congress And Members Of Their Staff. Members Complained That The Affordable Care Act Will Cost Them Thousands Extra A Year In Premiums. Wait A Minute. It's Their Bill. If It's Too Expensive, Why Did They Name It The Affordable Care Act?

John Kerry Said Today He Wants To Debate President Bush Once A Month. Hey Good Luck, If Bush Couldn't Make It To The National Guard Once A Month, He's Not Going To Show Up For This.

There Is Now A $5 Million Dollar Bounty On Osama Bin Laden. Which Marks The First Time In History There Has Ever Been A Bounty On A Guy's Head Who Wears Bounty On His Head.

A Number Of Plastic Surgeons Are Claiming That Looking At John Kerry Now, As Opposed To A Few Months Ago, They Believe He's Had Botox Shots. They Claim A Number Of His Worry Lines Have Vanished. They Haven't Vanished, Just Howard Dean Is Wearing Them Now.

They Say There Are Something Like 12 Million Illegal Immigrants In The Country Right Now, With Another Half A Million Coming Every Year. Remember In The Last Election When The Democrats Claimed There Was Two Americas? Turns Out One Of Them Was Mexico.

What's Going On With The Oakland Raiders? You Know, I Don't Want To Say The Raiders Are Bad, But You Know, Now, A Lot Of Fans Are Painting Their Faces Just So They Won't Be Recognized.

I Looked Up The Word Politics In The Dictionary, And It's Actually A Combination Of Two Words: Poli, Which Means 'many,' And Tics, Which Means 'bloodsuckers.'

President Obama Gave A Big Speech On Climate Change. He Believes Global Warming Is Getting Worse Because Apparently He's Sweating A Lot More During His Second Term

President Obama Said He Is Going To Use The Gulf Disaster To Push A New Energy Bill Through Congress. How About Using The Gulf Disaster To Fix The Gulf Disaster?

You Know What's Sad About This? Not The Gambling, But The Best Way To Reach College Athletes Is The Cartoon Network.

President Bush Demanded That Kerry Apologize. Can You Imagine That -- Bush Demanding An Apology For Someone Stumbling Over His Words? ... Kerry Should Have Tried The Bush Strategy: Say So Many Stupid Things, No One Cares Anymore.

The Democratic Leadership Council Has Named Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton To Design A Plan To Help Define An Agenda To The Democratic Party. Although Bill Said Today, In His Experience, Whenever Hillary Enters The Picture That's When The Party Ends

Martha Stewart Was Found Guilty On All Charges. You Know What That Means, Stripes Are In This Year.

How Many Are Worried About A Government Shutdown? How Many Are More Worried About It Starting Back Up?

In The Nfl, 31 Players Have Been Arrested Just Since The Super Bowl. In Fact, A Lot Of Teams Are Switching To The No-huddle Offense Because Players Aren't Allowed To Associate With Known Felons.

A New Poll Shows That Americans Now Believe That Bill Clinton Is More Honest Than President Bush. At Least When Clinton Screwed The Nation, He Did It One Person At A Time.

Political Experts Are Saying The Reason John Kerry Is Doing So Well Is Because He's 'electable.' Hey, So Was Al Gore - In Fact, He Even Got Elected And It Didn't Help Him At All.

I Guess We Didn't Even Officially Apologize. Jesse Jackson Called On The United States To Officially Apologize To The Chinese. Jesse Said, 'an Apology Is Not A Sign Of Weakness.' And As President Clinton Has Taught Us, An Apology Isn't Even A Sign You're Sorry.

Some Sad News, President Bush's Lapdog Passed Away. Gee, I Didn't Even Know Tony Blair Was Sick?

Republicans Are Calling The Bush-cheney Ticket The 'wizard Of Oz' Ticket. One Needs A Heart And The Other Needs A Brain.

In California, 50 Women Protested The Impending War With Iraq By Lying On The Ground Naked And Spelling Out The Word Peace. Right Idea, Wrong President.

I Tell You, The Economy Is In Bad Shape. In Fact, The Economy Is So Bad, President Barack Obama's New Slogan Is 'spare Change You Can Believe In.'

I Had A Dog That Was So Lazy, He Had A Prerecorded Bark.

Jesse Jackson's In Trouble. They're Going After This Tax Thing. Jesse Said He Will Amend His Taxes To Show The Money That He Paid To His Mistress. See, He Has Just One Mistress. Jesse Uses The Standard Mistress Deduction. As Opposed To Clinton, Who Had To Itemize.

According To A British Poll, You've Only Got A One In Five Chance Of Achieving Your Childhood Career Ambition. Which Probably Explains Why You Don't Run Into That Many Cowboys, Princesses, Or Space Rangers.

The Entire Spring And Summer Line From Marc Jacobs Was Stolen On The Way To The Fashion Show In Paris. The Thief Is Considered Armed And Fabulous.

President Obama Was In India Yesterday Visiting Our Jobs. Tomorrow He Goes To China To Visit Our Money.

Barack Obama's Daughters Are Very Smart. They Told Him They Will Take The Same Responsibility For The Dog That He Is Taking For The Economy. That Way, If The Dog Leaves A Mess In The White House, It'll Be Cleaned Up By Future Generations.

Usa Today Reports That The Number Of Death Row Executions This Year Has Hit A 35-year Low. They Attribute That To Dna Evidence Clearing More People And The Fact That Rick Perry Has Been On The Road Campaigning.

According To Cnn, Donald Rumsfeld Said The War In Iraq Did Not Go According To Plan. And President Bush Said, 'what? We Had A Plan?'

How About This John Edwards Thing? Imagine That, A Personal Injury Attorney Who Turns Out To Be A Sleaze Ball. Who Could Have Seen That Coming?

President Clinton And President Obama Played A Round Of Golf Over The Weekend. President Clinton Asked Obama What His Handicap Was, And Obama Said, 'joe Biden.'

More Bad News For The Taliban. Remember How They Are Promised 72 Virgins When They Die? Turns Out That It's Only One 72-year-old Virgin.

You Know, Something Like 90 People Who Have Now Filed To Run For Governor In This Recall Election. They Say There Could Be As Many As 200 People On The Ballot. You Know, It's Really Easy To Run Here In California. All You Need Is Like A Couple Of Signatures, Not Many, Thirty-five Hundred Bucks, You're On The Ballot, Like That. I Mean, What Does It Say About California? We Have Stricter Requirements To Get On 'american Idol' Than We Do To Run For Governor.

Bp Ceo Tony Hayward Said He Would Just Like To Get His Life Back. He Wants To Get His Life Back. You Know, I Say Give Him Life Plus 20.

Here Is A Very Inexpensive Costume Idea. Wear A Re-elect Obama Button And Go Out As A Journalist.

Sixty Years Ago This Week Hitler Invaded Poland. This Led To The Creation Of The History Channel.

Chris Christie Won By Such A Wide Margin That Pundits Say This Will Give Him The Impetus He Needs To Run For President. And He's Got A New Slogan: 'put The Oval In The Oval Office.'

The White House Softball Team Played The Pro-marijuana Lobbyists' Team And Lost 25-3. Still No Word Yet On Which Side President Obama Played For.

Well, President-elect Barack Obama And His Family Are Gonna Spend The Holidays In His Home State Of Hawaii. And You Know Who Couldn't Be More Thrilled With This? The Press, The Reporters Who Follow The President. Well, Think About It. After Eight Years Of Spending Every Holiday Cutting Brush In Crawford, Texas, They Get To Go To Hawaii!

Hillary Clinton Is Getting A Little Bit Of Controversy Because She Has The Most Expensive Hometown Office Rent - Over $500,000 A Year. She's In A One-year Lease In The Office, As Opposed To Her Marriage, Which Is On A Month-to-month.

Tonight Was The Cnn Primary Debate With The Four Remaining Candidates. It Was Kind Of A Change For Newt Gingrich. Usually When He's Arguing With Three People At Once, It's His Wife, His Ex-wife, And His Mistress.

(the Weakest Link) Is Fascinating Program. They Ask A Bunch Of People Questions And They Keep Getting Rid Of The Dumbest Person, So Just The Smartest Person Is Left. It Is Kind Of The Opposite Way We Elect A President.

Sarah Palin Has Revealed She Has Tried Marijuana, But She Did Not Like It. You Know, It's Amazing: 200 Million Americans Have Smoked Marijuana. The Only Ones Who Don't Like It Seem To Be Elected Officials. Ever Notice That?

Elected Officials

How Would It Be If We Discovered That Aliens Only Stopped By Earth To Let Their Kids Take A Leak?

Yesterday All Five Living Presidents Gathered For The Opening Of The George W. Bush Presidential Library In Dallas. Well, Six Living Presidents If You Count Hillary In 2016.

The Bush Administration Said Today There Is A Lot Of Support For Us To Attack Iraq. Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Chevron, They're All Lining Up.

President Obama's Been Reaching Out To Iran, Reaching Out To Cuba, Reaching Out To Latin America. The Only Place He Can't Seem To Be Able To Reach Out To: Texas. ... Despite Governor Rick Perry Talking About How Texas Could Secede From The Union If It Wanted To, 75 Per Cent Of The People Who Live There Want To Stay In The United States. Of Course They Want To Stay. I Mean, After Spending All That Time And Effort Sneaking Across The Border To Get Here, Why Would They Want To Leave?

A Dead Body Was Discovered This Week On The Grounds Of A Country Estate Owned By Queen Elizabeth. The Queen Said Today She Hopes This Serves As A Reminder To Anybody On Her Staff That There Is A Right Way And A Wrong Way To Polish Sterling Silver.

The Obama Administration Asked General Motors Ceo Rick Wagoner To Step Down, And He Agreed. This Is Good News For Obama; The Last Time He Tried To Get Someone To Quit, It Took Months -- And Even Then, He Had To Promise Her A Job As Secretary Of State. ... According To The Government, Rick Wagoner Was Forced To Resign Because Of Poor Performance. That's Embarrassing -- Run An Organization That Loses Billions Of Dollars And Then Get Fired By A Guy Who Heads Up An Organization That Loses Trillions Of Dollars.

There Was Another War-related Casualty Today. The French Were Injured When They Tried To Jump On Our Bandwagon.

Oil Prices Jumped To Well Over $100 A Barrel, And Analysts Say It's Due To Tension In The Middle East. So, Luckily, It's Just A Temporary Thing.

According To A New Report, More Than 700 Fake Obamacare Websites Have Been Created. Security Experts Say It's Simple To Identify The Phony Sites Because They Are Easy To Log On To.

The Mayans Have Predicted The World Is Supposed To End On December 21. If The World Doesn't End On December 21, You Can Bet The Next Day The Malls Will Be Overrun With Mayans Trying To Buy Last-minute Gifts.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Has Still Not Officially Bowed Out Of This Race. It Looks Like He's Not Gonna Run. But I'll Tell Ya, If Arnold Does Run, He Better Get On The Ballot, Because You Don't Want A Write-in With A Name Like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Because People Will Go - 'schwarz, Schwarz, Oh Davis Is Easier.'

The New England Journal Of Medicine Reports That 9 Out Of 10 Doctors Agree That 1 Out Of 10 Doctors Is An Idiot.

I Don’t Like Goodbyes, Nbc Does.

A Petition To Have Justin Bieber Deported Got Over 100,000 Signatures, Which Means The White House Now Has To Legally Rule On It. So Finally A Chance For Obama To Issue An Executive Order That Both Republicans And Democrats Can Agree On.

There Are Now Reports That President Obama Will Name Massachusetts Senator John Kerry To Be The Next Secretary Of Defense. Apparently This Is Part Of America's New Defense Strategy To Bore Our Enemies To Death.

First There's The Promise Ring, Then The Engagement Ring, Then The Wedding Ring... Soon After... Comes Suffer...ring!

Arnold Said This Is A Last Minute Attack By Democrats. How Did Arnold Know To Grope Only Democrats?

If It Turns Out That The Mayans Are Right And The World Is Going To End, You Know What This Means? Lindsay Lohan Is A Genius. She's Been Partying Her Brains Out. She Owes Taxes. She’s Crashing Cars. She’s A Genius!

John Kerry Reportedly Flew In His Private Hairdresser Before His "meet The Press" Interview For A Total Cost Of $1,000. That's $1,000 For A Haircut, Which Sounds Like A Lot, But Have You Seen The Size Of Kerry's Head.

The White House Is Defending President Obama's Sports Activities Over The Past Week, Saying That Everyone Needs Leisure Time. Thanks To These Economic Policies, 9.5 Percent Of Americans Have All The Leisure Time They Need.

It Seems That England's Royal Family Is Running Out Of Money. They Are Down To Just $1.6 Million. Well Sure, That's What Happens When Nobody In Your Family Has Had A Job For The Last Thousand Years.

The Obama Administration Has Revealed The Size Of America's Nuclear Arsenal. We Have 1,000 Warheads Aimed At China, 1,000 Aimed At Russia, And The Rest Aimed At Fox News.

I Tried To Log On To The Obamacare Website Today. I Don't Think I'm Doing It Right. I Lost 300 Bucks Playing Texas Hold 'em.

Do You Know What White House Correspondents Call Actors Who Pose As Reporters? Anchors.

Texas Governor Rick Perry Now Says His Wife Has Been Encouraging Him To Run For President. Remember First He Told Us God Told Him To Run; Now His Wife Is Telling Him To Run. Of Course, The Big Difference; If You Ignore What God Says You Don't Have To Hear About It Until The Afterlife. That's The Only Difference.

As Miss America, My Goal Is To Bring Peace To The Entire World And Then Get My Own Apartment.

Disneyland Celebrated Its 40th Anniversary By Burying A Time Capsule. They Say It Will Be Dug Up In 50 Years - Or When The Last Person In Line At Space Mountain Gets To The Front, Whichever Comes First.

Facebook Has Revealed Their Estimated Net Worth - $96 Billion. That's Almost As Much Money As Businesses Lose Every Year From Their Employees Wasting Time Looking At Facebook.

Rick Perry Unveiled His New Tax Plan. He Says He Wants A Flat Tax. He Believes That Tax Should Be Flat, Just Like The Earth.

Bob Dole Revealed He Is One Of The Test Subjects For Viagra. He Said On Larry King, 'i Wish I Had Bought Stock In It.' Only A Republican Would Think The Best Part Of Viagra Is The Fact That You Could Make Money Off Of It.

John Kerry's Victory Over Howard Dean Has Completely Changed The Presidential Race Around. Now Instead Of The Rich White Guy From Yale Who Lives In The White House Facing Off Against The Rich White Guy From Yale Who Lives In Vermont, He May Have To Face The Rich White Guy From Yale Who Lives In Massachusetts. It's A Whole Different Game.

Do You Know Who Will Be In Charge Of Health Care? The Irs. You Thought Getting Audited Was Bad? Wait Until Your Next Prostate Exam.

How Many Have Seen That Osama Bin Laden Footage? Pretty Scary. In Fact, Today, Nbc Ordered 13 More Episodes.

Before They Went On Vacation, Congress Voted To Exempt Themselves From Obamacare. They Gave Themselves A Special Exemption Because They Thought It Was Too Expensive. So The People Who Voted For Obamacare For Us Voted To Exempt Themselves From It. You Know How Doctors Take The Hippocratic Oath. Congress Apparently Takes The 'hypocritic Oath.'

A New York Doctor Has Finished A Five Year Study On What Smells Have The Biggest Effect On New Yorkers. The Smell New Yorkers Like The Most: Vanilla. The Smell New Yorkers Like The Least: New Jersey.

Changing The Story Until You Believe It.

Saddam Hussein Has Invited Members From The U.s. Congress To Visit Iraq. Man How Stupid Is Hussein? If You Think Bush Had Incentive To Bomb Iraq Before, Imagine If Congress Was Over There.

Anheuser-busch Gives Two Free Cases Of Beer To Its Employees At All Of Its Parks, Like Busch Gardens. That's A Comforting Thought The Next Time You're Getting Ready To Get On The Roller Coaster!

According To A Recent Survey, Men Say The First Thing They Notice About Women Is Their Eyes. And Women Say The First Thing They Notice About Men Is They're A Bunch Of Liars.

Funny Relationship

Postal Inspectors Have Been Given Advanced Warning That Publishers Clearinghouse Is Sending Packets Of Laundry Detergent That Could Be Mistaken For Anthrax. Oh, Good Timing. What Genius Came Up With This Promotion? What's Next - A Ticking Alarm Clock? Let's Put That In A Box.

The New York Times Has Had Fake Stories. Cbs Has Had Fake Stories. And Now Newsweek Had A Fake Story. You Realize The Only One That Hasn't Had To Print A Retraction Is The National Inquirer

President Obama Said In An Interview Over The Weekend That He Really Misses Being Anonymous. He Said, 'i Miss Saturday Mornings Rolling Out Of Bed And Not Shaving, Going To The Market...' Be Careful What You Wish For, 2012 Is Just Around The Corner!

Soup Is Just A Way Of Screwing You Out Of A Meal.

Have You Seen The Cover Of Newsweek? They Have Martha Stewart On The Cover, But It's Not Actually Martha. It's A Doctored Photo. They Put Martha's Head On A Slimmer Woman's Body. And Martha Was Very Upset About This. She Said, 'hey, If I Wanted My Face On Another Woman's Body, I'd Stay In Prison.'

This Week The White House Proposed Fingerprinting And Photographing Foreign Visitors So They Can Do Background Checks. Officials In Saudi Arabia Said This Will Only Increase Anti-american Feelings In The Mideast. Is That Possible? Gee, You Hate To Have People Dislike Us For No Reason. Things Were Going So Well.

A Lot Of People Are Now Criticizing Attorney General John Ashcroft For His Policy On Detaining What He Considers Suspicious People. I Think He's Going A Little Overboard. Today, He Arrested The Entire Band Foreigner.

At&t Is Now Offering A New Service That Allows You To Pay Your Bills Through Your Tv Screen By Using Your Remote Control. So Instead Of Saying, "the Check's In The Mail," People Are Going To Say, "hey, I Wanted To Pay, But I Couldn't Find The Remote."

Folks, Tomorrow America Will Get To Hear Those Four Words We've Been Waiting For: "former President George Bush".

The Fcc Is Considering Lifting The Ban On Cellphone Calls On Planes. The Good News Is You'll Be Able To Make Calls During Your Flight. The Bad News? The Person Sitting Next To You Will Be Able To Make Cellphone Calls During Yourflight.

There Is A Video Out Now On How To Please Men. Here's Tip Number 1: Just Show Up!

The Worst Thing About Losing This Job: I’m No Longer Covered By Nbc. I Have To Sign Up For Obamacare.

Jack Abramoff Is Going To Testify Against Some Of The Other Weasels In Congress. A Lobbyist Testifying Against Congressmen? How Many Bibles Are Going To Burst Into Flames In That Courtroom?

John Kerry Says That He Wants To Debate President Bush Once A Month Until The Election. This Could Be A Risky Move For Senator Kerry. If Bush Doesn't Show Up For The Debates, John Kerry May End Up Debating An Empty Chair. And That Could Be Pretty Much A Toss Up As To Which One Has The Better Personality.

Elections Officials Here In California Are Concerned That Having 247 Candidates Would Require A Ballot So Long It Would Be Difficult To Count. Today In Florida They Said, 'what? You Count The Ballots?'

President Obama Is Asking Congress To Support A Military Strike In Syria. If They Approve, It Will Be The First Time Congress Has Officially Declared War Since Obamacare.

Hillary Clinton Said She Hopes America Is Ready For A Woman In The Oval Office. That Was The Great Thing About Her Husband Bill: He Was Always Ready For A Woman In The Oval Office.

We Are In A Code Orange. Homeland Security Said Earlier Today That Everyone Should Have A Roll Of Duct Tape And Plastic Sheeting To Protect Your House In Event Of Terrorist Attacks. Who Came Up With This Idea? Macgyver?

Nineteen Percent Of Doctors Say That They'd Be Able To Give Their Patients A Lethal Injection. But They Also Went On To Say That The Patient Would Have To Be Really, Really Behind On Payments.

George W. Bush Says He Spends Sixty To Ninety Minutes A Day Working Out. He Says He Works Out Because It Clears His Mind. Sometimes Just A Little Too Much.

I Saw Something Stupid In The Paper Today - A New Alarm Clock That Makes No Noise. It's For People Who Don't Like Loud Noises. Instead, It Slowly Hits You With Light And Gets Brighter And Brighter Until You Wake Up. I Already Have One Of Those... It's Called A Window.

A Lot Of American Companies Are Now Moving Into Iraq. Iraq Now Has Pizza Hut, Subway, Taco Bell And Popeye's Fried Chicken. So, Great, Instead Of Oil For Food, We're Giving Them Oil In Food.

It's Fun When You're Driving, And People Wave At You, And You Wave Back. I Think You Either Like People Or You Don't. I Mean, I Don't Want To Put On Sunglasses. That's Why I'm In Show Business.

Remember The Good Old Days When The Only Bomb You Had To Worry About On A Plane Was The Rob Schneider Movie?

Anyway, A Spokesman For Barack Obama Says The Prisoners That Are Released From Guantanamo Will Either Be Sent Back To Their Home Countries Or Enter The New York City Cab Driver Training Program.

Republicans Are Always Criticizing President Obama For Using The Teleprompter. Is That A Big Deal? After Eight Years Of George Bush, I'm Glad We Have A President That Can Read.

President Bush Said The Other Day The War Is Not About Timetables. It's About Winning. Hey, It Worked In Florida.

Authorities In New York City Have Foiled A Plot By Terrorists To Blow Up The Holland Tunnel. There Was One Awkward Moment When Officials Informed President Bush The Holland Tunnel Was Safe. Bush Then Thanked The Dutch Authorities For All Their Help.

We're Heading For A Gov. Shutdown. This Is Serious. W/o The Gov Who Will Fail To Inspect Our Airplanes? Who Will Fail To Secure Our Borders? Who Will Put Us 14 Trillion Dollars In Debt?

Researchers In England Say Tall Men Are More Likely To Have More Children Than Short Men. Here In America We Call That The Nba Theory.

Denmark Is Charging A Fat Food Tax On Cheese, Meat, And Oil. Here, We Call That The Denny's Grand Slam Breakfast.

They Always Say The Miss America Pageant Isn't A Beauty Contest, It's Really A Scholarship Program. If That's The Case, Why Don't We Just Put All The Contestants On 'jeopardy!' And Pick Miss America That Way? At Least You Get The Smartest One.

The First Case Of Mad Cow Disease Since 2006 Was Discovered Right Here In The United States. The Good News, Since The Cow Is In California, Instead Of Putting The Cow Down, They Are Going To Enroll Him In Anger Management Classes.

Mad Cow Disease

Howard Dean Is A Politician, A Medical Doctor And A Democrat. So He Has Three Reasons To Tell Women To Take Off Their Clothes Now.

The United States Have Developed A New Weapon That Destroys People But It Leaves Buildings Standing. It's Called The Stock Market.

You Can't Stay Mad At Somebody Who Makes You Laugh.

Give A Man A Fish And He Will Eat For A Day. Teach A Man To Fish And He Will Eat For A Lifetime. Teach A Man To Create An Artificial Shortage Of Fish And He Will Eat Steak.

According To Today's Los Angeles Times, Gray Davis Now Gets Negative Job Ratings From White People, Black People, Latinos, Republicans, Independents And Even Democrats. Say What You Want About The Guy But He's A Uniter!

Former Enron Ceo Jeffrey Skilling Appeared Before Congress. Do You Think They Even Bothered Swearing Him In? Now He Is Denying He Lied To Congress Last Week. He's Saying It Was Just The Liquor Talking.

I Believe Engineers Will Save The World.

When You Do Late-night Tv, You Do Different Jokes In The Same Place Every Night. When You're On The Road As A Comedian, You Do The Same Jokes In A Different Place Every Night.

Last Night, We Had The First Gubernatorial Debate. Some People Are Criticizing Schwarzenegger For Not Going. They Say Arnold Goes Around Telling People He Cares, Everything Is Going To Be Great, Forget About Everything He Did In The '70s. Hey, It Worked For George Bush.

President Obama Wants Congress To Increase The Minimum Wage. Believe Me, When It Comes To Doing The Minimum For Their Wage, Congress Knows What It's Talking About.

I Understand The Chairman Of The Senate Ethics Comittee Is Going To Examine The Check-bouncing Scandal With A Microscope. ...makes Sense... If You're Going To Look At Ethics In Congress, A Microscope Is What You Need.

Today Is April 1, April Fools' Day, A Day That People Try To Fool Their Friends And Relatives. Don't Confuse That With April 15, When People Try To Fool The Irs.

The Lead Story On Msnbc Was The News That There Was Nothing New To Report In The Gary Condit Story. So Remember When There Is Nothing New To Report, Msnbc Will Be The Station Not To Report It First.

President Bush And Bill Clinton Both Agree That Cloning Is Morally Wrong. Clinton Said That He Thinks Humans Should Be Made The Old-fashioned Way - Liquored Up In A Cheap Hotel Room.

It’s Being Reported That The Economy Lost 95,000 Jobs In September. And That’s Just People Leaving The White House.

Texas Governor Rick Perry Said God Is Calling On Him To Run For President. But Michele Bachmann Said That God Is Calling On Her To Run For President. You Know, If God Is That Indecisive, He's Probably For Mitt Romney!

Former Enron Founder Ken Lay And Ceo Jeffrey Skilling Found Guilty In The Enron Case. Ken Lay Is So Guilty I'm Surprised People Aren't Calling Him Congressman Ken Lay. Wait 'till These Guys Find Out In Prison That Insider Trading Has A Whole New Meaning.

Trending Author

Harold Nicolson

Category