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With Old Inflation Riding The Headlines, I Have Read Till I Am Bleary-eyed, And I Can't Get Head From Tails Of The Whole Thing. ... Now We Are Living In An Age Of Explanations-and Plenty Of 'em, Too-but No Two Things That's Been Done To Us Have Been Explained Twice The Same Way, By Even The Same Man. It's And Age Of In One Ear And Out The Other.

-Will Rogers

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With Old Inflation Riding

Will Rogers

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With Old Inflation Riding The Headlines, I Have Read Till I Am Bleary-eyed, And I Can't Get Head From Tails Of The Whole Thing. ... Now We Are Living In An Age Of Explanations-and Plenty Of 'em, Too-but No Two Things That's Been Done To Us Have Been Explained Twice The Same Way, By Even The Same Man. It's And Age Of In One Ear And Out The Other.

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There Is No Argument In The World That Carries The Hatred That A Relioious Belief Does. The More Learned A Man Is, The Less Consideration He Has For Another Man's Belief.

The Problem Ain't What People Know. It's What People Know That Ain't So That's The Problem.

You Never Know How Much A Man Can't Remember Until He Is Called As A Witness.

If All Politicians Fished Instead Of Spoke Publicly, We Would Be At Peace With The World.

Too Many People Spend Money They Haven't Earned To Buy Things They Don't Want To Impress People They Don't Like.

It Rained In The Middle West. Farmers Are Learning That The Relief They Get From The Sky Beats What They Get From Washington.

The 1928 Republican Convention Opened With A Prayer. If The Lord Can See His Way Clear To Bless The Republican Party The Way It's Been Carrying On, Then The Rest Of Us Ought To Get It Without Even Asking.

You Could Transfer Congress Over To Run Standard Oil Or General Motors, And They Would Have Both Things Bankrupt In Two Years.

The Only Real Diplomacy Ever Performed By A Diplomat Is In Deceiving Their Own People After Their Dumbness Has Got Them Into A War.

Invest In Inflation. It Is The Only Thing Going Up.

Just Read The Farm Relief Bill. It's Just A Political Version Of Einstein's Last Theory. If A Farmer Could Understand It, He Certainly Would Know More Than To Farm. He Would Be A Professor At Harvard.

You Must Never Tell A Thing. You Must Illustrate It. We Learn Through The Eye And Not The Noggin.

Through The Eyes

What's The Matter With The World? Why, There Ain't Nothing But One Word Wrong With Everyone Of Us, And That's Selfishness.

Say Did You Read In The Papers About A Bunch Of Women Up In British Columbia As A Protest Against High Taxes, Sit Out In The Open Naked, And They Wouldent Put Their Clothes On? The Authorities Finally Turned A Sprayer That You Use On Trees, On 'em. That May Lead Into Quite A Thing. Woman Comes Into The Tax Office Nude, Saying I Won't Pay. Well They Can't Search Her And Get Anything. It Sounds Great. How Far Is It To British Columbia?

More Words Ain't Good For Anything In The World Only To Bring On More Argument.

There's Only One Thing That Can Kill The Movies, And That's Education.

There Is Nothing So Stupid As The Educated Man If You Get Him Off The Thing He Was Educated In.

Money And Women Are The Most Sought After And The Least Known About Of Any Two Things We Have.

Lettin' The Cat Outta The Bag Is A Whole Lot Easier 'n Puttin' It Back In.

The Man Who Never Makes A Mistake Must Get Tired Of Doing Nothing.

Every Man Gets An Opportunity Once In A Lifetime.

When I Die, My Epitaph Or Whatever You Call Those Signs On Gravestones Is Going To Read: "i Joked About Every Prominent Man Of My Time, But I Never Met A Man I Didn't Like." I Am So Proud Of That I Can Hardly Wait To Die So It Can Be Carved. And When You Come To My Grave You Will Find Me Sitting There, Proudly Reading It.

I Will Never Joke About Old Soldiers Who Try To Get To Reunions To Talk Over The War Again. To Talk Of Old Times With Old Friends Is The Greatest Thing In The World.

I Argue With Wife Over What Little Pieces Of Real Estate Investments We Should Try To Pay On And Hold, And Which To Let Go Back. We Always Said, "put It In Land, And You Can Always Walk On It." We Did, But No Buyers Would Walk On It With Us.

Let Wall Street Have A Nightmare And The Whole Country Has To Help Them Back To Bed Again.

They Have Passed The Big Inheritance Tax, And That Gets You When You Are Gone. You Used To Could Die And Be Able To Beat Taxes, But Not Now. The Undertaker Don't Go Over Your Body As Carefully As The Assessor Does Your Accumilated Assets, And He Gets His Before The Undertaker. They Have It On These Big Fortunes Now Where They Pay As High As 60 To 70 Percent Of What They Leave. That's Mighty Expensive Dying When It Runs Into Money Like That, And You Won't See 'em Dropping Off As Casually As They Have Been.

Nothing Makes A Man, Or A Body Of Men, As Mad As The Truth. If There Is No Truth In It, They Laugh It Off.

Politics Has Become So Expensive That It Takes A Lot Of Money Even To Be Defeated.

When I Die, I Want To Die Like My Grandfather Who Died Peacefully In His Sleep. Not Screaming Like All The Passengers In His Car.

It Looks To Me Like The Candidates Are Trying To Relieve The Farmer Of His Vote, Instead Of His Debts.

Americans Are Getting Like A Ford Car, They All Have The Same Exact Parts, The Same Upholstering And Make Exactly The Same Noises.

I Guess The Only Way To Stop Divorce Is To Stop Marriage.

Funny Relationship

I Don't Care How Poor And Inefficient A Little Country Is - They Like To Run Their Own Business. I Know Men That Would -make My Wife A Better Husband Than I Am But, Darn It, I'm Not Going To Give Her To 'em.

Money, Horse Racing And Women: Three Things The Boys Just Can't Figure Out.

Fanatical Religion Driven To A Certain Point Is Almost As Bad As None At All, But Not Quite.

America Has The Best Politicians Money Can Buy.

They Call It The Latin Quarter Because Nobody There Is Latin And Nobody Has A Quarter.

All I Know Is Just What I Read In The Papers, And That's An Alibi For My Ignorance.

Polo, Racing And Horse Shows All Are Doing Great Work To Help The Farmer And Rancher To Raise Better Horses.

Farmers And Ranchers

If This Depression Stays With Us, The Loser Tuesday Is Going To Be The Winner.

Heroing Is One Of The Shortest-lived Professions There Is.

Under Capitalism Man Exploits Man; Under Socialism The Reverse Is True.

Rotation Of Crops And Less Automobiles Will Relieve The Farmers Whenever They Decide To Try It.

People's Minds Are Changed Through Observation And Not Through Argument.

Why One Ad Is Worth More To A Paper Than 40 Editorials.

The Minute A Thing Is Long And Complicated, It Confuses. Whoever Wrote The Ten Commandments Made 'em Short. They May Not Always Be Kept, But They Are Understood.

When You Put Down The Good Things You Ought To Have Done, And Leave Out The Bad Ones You Did Do Well, That's Memoirs.

The Schools Ain't What They Used To Be And Never Was.

Every Time We Have An Election, We Get In Worse Men And The Country Keeps Right On Going. Times Have Proven Only One Thing And That Is You Can't Ruin This Country Even With Politics.

We Are Always Saying: Let The Law Take Its Course But What We Really Mean Is: Let The Law Take Our Course.

You Could Be The World's Greatest Orator And If You Don't Say Anything While Orating, They Are Going To Walk Out On You After A While.

In The Early Days Of The Indian Territory, There Were No Such Things As Birth Certificates. You Being There Was Certificate Enough.

The Trip Across Arizona Is Just One Oasis After Another. You Can Just Throw Anything Out And It Will Grow There, I Like Arizona.

You Politicians Have Got To Look Further Ahead; You Always Got A Putter In Your Hands, When You Ought To Have A Driver.

We Are All Ignorant. We Are Just Ignorant About Different Things.

A Republican Moves Slowly. They Are What We Call Conservatives. A Conservative Is A Man Who Has Plenty Of Money And Doesn't See Any Reason Why He Shouldn't Always Have Plenty Of Money. A Democrat Is A Fellow Who Never Had Any, But Doesn't See Any Reason Why He Shouldn't Have Some.

You've Got To Go Out On A Limb Sometimes Because That's Where The Fruit Is.

A Woman Can Make A Man Feel Older Or Younger Than His Years If She So Chooses. Being A Woman Is A Terribly Difficult Task Since It Consists Principally In Dealing With Men. Women Were Made With A Sense Of Humor So They Could Love Men Instead Of Laughing At Them.

Wall Street Is Being Investigated, But They Are Not Asleep While It's Being Done. You See Where The Senate Took That Tax Off The Sales Of Stocks, Didn't You? Saved 'em $48,000,000. Now, Why Don't Somebody Investigate The Senate And See Who Got To Them To Get That Tax Removed? That Would Be A Real Investigation.

When You're Through Learning, You're Through.

I Have Always Noticed That People Will Never Laugh At Anything That Is Not Based On Truth.

I Represent What Is Left Of A Vanishing Race, And That Is The Pedestrian. That I Am Still Able To Be Here, I Owe To A Keen Eye And A Nimble Pair Of Legs. But I Know They'll Get Me Someday.

In Politics Practically Everything You Hear Is Scandal, And Besides, The Funny Thing Is That The Things They Are Whispering Ain't Half Has Bad As The Things They Have Been Saying Right Out Loud.

There Are Two Things I Don't Care How Smart You Are, You Will Never Understand. One Is An Alienist's Testimony, And The Other Is A Railroad Timetable.

The Movies Are The Only Business Where You Can Go Out Front And Applaud Yourself.

Coolidge Made Less Speeches And Got More Votes Than Any Man That Ever Run. (william Jennings) Bryan Was Listened To And Cheered By More People Than Any Single Human In Politics, And He Lost. So There Is A Doubt Just Whether Talking Does You Good Or Harm.

I Was Born Because It Was A Habit In Those Days, People Didn't Know Anything Else ... I Was Not A Child Prodigy, Because A Child Prodigy Is A Child Who Knows As Much When It Is A Child As It Does When It Grows Up.

Senators Are A Never-ending Source Of Amusement, Amazement, And Discouragement.

This Thing About Getting Rid Of A Man In The Cabinet Is All Right, But There Is One Bad Feature To It That Few People Realize. That Is, That Unfortunately Every One Of Them Is Replaced By Someone Else. If It Wasn't For That, This Resignation Business Would Be Great.

I Originated A Remark Many Years Ago That I Think Has Been Copied More Than Any Little Thing That I've Ever Said, And I Used It In The Follies Of 1922. I Said America Has A Unique Record. We Never Lost A War And We Never Won A Conference In Our Lives. I Believe That We Could Without Any Degree Of Egotism, Single-handed Lick Any Nation In The World. But We Can't Confer With Costa Rica And Come Home With Our Shirts On.

Advertising Is The Art Of Convincing People To Spend Money They Don't Have For Something They Don't Need.

Mothers Are The Only Race Of People That Speak The Same Tongue. A Mother In Manchuria Could Converse With A Mother In Nebraska And Never Miss A Word.

When Should A College Athlete Turn Pro? Not Until He Has Earned All He Can In College As An Amateur.

More Men Have Been Elected Between Sundown And Sunup Than Ever Were Elected Between Sunup And Sundown.

I See Where We Are Starting To Pay Some Attention To Our Neighbors To The South. We Could Never Understand Why Mexico Wasn't Just Crazy About Us, For We Have Always Had Their Good Will, And Oil And Minerals, At Heart

It's No Laughing Matter Being A Republican In These Perilous Times. Anyone Can Be A Republican When The Stock Market Is Up, But When Stocks Are Selling For No More Than They're Worth, I Tell You, Being A Republican - It's A Sacrifice.

We Don't Seem To Be Able To Check Crime, So Why Not Legalize It And Then Tax It Out Of Business?

On Account Of Being A Democracy And Run By The People, We Are The Only Nation In The World That Has To Keep A Government Four Years, No Matter What It Does.

It Is Awful Hard To Get People Interested In Corruption Unless They Can Get Some Of It.

With Old Inflation Riding The Headlines, I Have Read Till I Am Bleary-eyed, And I Can't Get Head From Tails Of The Whole Thing. ... Now We Are Living In An Age Of Explanations-and Plenty Of 'em, Too-but No Two Things That's Been Done To Us Have Been Explained Twice The Same Way, By Even The Same Man. It's And Age Of In One Ear And Out The Other.

Know What You're Doing, Love What You're Doing, And Believe In What You're Doing.

Things Will Get Better - Despite Our Efforts To Improve Them.

Things Will Get Better

You Can't Tell What A Man Is Like Or What He Is Thinking When You Are Looking At Him. You Must Get Around Behind Him And See What He Has Been Looking At.

The Senate Just Sits And Waits Till They Find Out What The President Wants, So They Know How To Vote Against Him.

The Us Is Safest When Congress Is In Recess.

Americans Will Feed Anyone That's Not Close To Them.

I Read About Eight Newspapers In A Day. When I'm In A Town With Only One Newspaper, I Read It Eight Times.

The More That Learn To Read The Less Learn How To Make A Living. That's One Thing About A Little Education. It Spoils You For Actual Work. The More You Know The More You Think Somebody Owes You A Living.

Personally, I Have Always Felt That The Best Doctor In The World Is The Veterinarian. He Can't Ask His Patients What Is The Matter...he's Just Got To Know.

I Am Just An Old Country Boy In A Big Town Trying To Get Along. I Have Been Eating Pretty Regular And The Reason I Have Been Is Because I Have Stayed An Old Country Boy.

The Only Way To Solve The Traffic Problems Of The Country Is To Pass A Law That Only Paid-for Cars Are Allowed To Use The Highways. That Would Make Traffic So Scarce, We Could Use Our Boulevards For Children's Playgrounds.

Our Constitution Protects Aliens, Drunks And U.s. Senators.

No Man Can Be Condemned For Owning A Dog. As Long As He Has A Dog, He Has A Friend; And The Poorer He Gets, The Better Friend He Has.

The Budget Is Like A Mythical Bean Bag. Congress Votes Mythical Beans Into It, Then Reaches In And Tries To Pull Real Ones Out.

There's A Simple Solution To Our Traffic Problems. We'll Have Business Build The Roads, And Government Build The Cars.

We Have Been Just Going Like A House Afire, And We Couldent See Any Reason Why We Shouldent Keep Right On Burning. Our Tastes Were Acquired On Credit, And We Wanted To Keep On Enjoying 'em On Credit.

The Best Thing About This Group Of Candidates Is That Only One Of Them Can Win.

You Have To Have A Serious Streak In You, Or You Can't See The Funny Side Of The Other Fellow.

People Should Be More Concerned With The Return Of Their Principal Than The Return On Their Principal.

The Whole Trouble With The Republicans Is Their Fear Of An Increase In Income Tax, Especially On Higher Incomes. They Speak Of It Almost Like A National Calamity. I Really Believe If It Come To A Vote Whether To Go To War With England, France And Germany Combined, Or Raise The Rate On Incomes Of Over $100,000, They Would Vote War.

There Are Men Running Governments Who Shouldn't Be Allowed To Play With Matches.

Buy Land. They Ain't Making Any More Of The Stuff.

I Would Never Make A Good Economist. You Know, An Economist Is A Man That Can Tell You Anything About — Well, He Will Tell You What Can Happen Under Any Given Condition — And His Guess Is Liable To Be As Good As Anybody Else's, Too.

If Wall Street Paid A Tax On Every “game” They Run, We Would Get Enough Revenue To Run The Government On.

After Seeing Kids Play Polo Against Big Guys, It Only Shows That Horses Are The Greatest Equalizer In The World. No Matter What You Weigh, The Little Fellow Is Your Equal On A Horse.

The South Is Dry And Will Vote Dry. That Is, Everybody That Is Sober Enough To Stagger To The Polls Will.

There Are Two Theories To Arguing With A Woman. Neither Works.

You Can Take Any Line Of Business And Skill And The Ones Who Do It The Best Are The Ones Who Get The Most Money For It.

Foreign Relations Is An Open Book-- Generally A Checkbook.

Get Someone Else To Blow Your Horn And The Sound Will Carry Twice As Far.

Never Blame A Legislative Body For Not Doing Something. When They Do Nothing, That Don't Hurt Anybody. When They Do Something Is When They Become Dangerous.

We Know Lots Of Things We Didn't Use To Know But We Don't Know Any Way To Prevent 'em From Happening.

Every Time Somebody Has Thought Of Relief For The Farmer It Has Been To Make It So He Could Borrow More Money. What He Needs Is Some Way To Pay Back. Not Some Way To Borrow More.

The Only Difference Between Death And Taxes Is That Death Doesn't Get Worse Every Time Congress Meets.

One Way To Solve The Traffic Problem Is To Keep All The Cars That Are Not Paid For Off The Streets.

Politicians Are Just A Bunch Of Local Bandits, Sent By Their Local Voters To Raid The Public Treasury.

Both Political Parties Have Their Good Times And Bad Times, Only They Have Them At Different Times.

Ancient Rome Declined Because It Had A Senate, Now What's Going To Happen To Us With Both A House And A Senate?

If You Have A Radio, The Next Three Months Is A Good Time To Have It Quit Working. All You Will Hear From Now Until The 4th Of November Will Be: 'we Must Get Our Government Out Of The Hands Of Predatory Wealth.' 'the Good People Of This Great Country Are Burdened To Death With Taxes. Now What I Intend To Do Is ...' What He Intends To Do Is Try And Get Elected. That's All Any Of Them Intend To Do. Another One That Will Hum Over The Old Static Every Night Will Be: 'this Country Has Reached A Crisis In Its National Existence.'

Some People Try To Turn Back Their Odometers. Not Me, I Want People To Know “why” I Look This Way. I’ve Traveled A Long Way And Some Of The Roads Weren’t Paved.

Out Here I Had Been Putting What Little Money I Had In Ocean Frontage, For The Sole Reason That There Was Only So Much Of It And No More, And That They Wasent Making Any More.

We Fed 'em Xmas And New Years; Now All The Poor Have To Do Is Just Fill The Few Meals Until Next Xmas

The Trouble With Practical Jokes Is That Very Often They Get Elected.

There Is One Thing About Englishmen, They Won't Fix Anything Till It's Just About Totally Ruined. You Couldn't Get The English To Fix Anything At The Start. No! They Like To Sit And Watch It Grow Worse. Then, When It Just Looks Like The Whole Thing Has Gone Up Salt Creek, Why, The English Jump In And Rescue It.

It Looks Like The Financial Giants Of The World Have Bungled As Much As The Diplomats And Politicians. This Would Be A Great Time In The World For Some Man To Come Along That Knew Something.

Things In Our Country Run In Spite Of Government, Not By Aid Of It.

Every Gag I Tell Must Be Based On Truth. No Matter How Much I May Exaggerate It, It Must Have A Certain Amount Of Truth.... Now Rumor Travels Faster, But It Don't Stay Put As Long As Truth.

The United States Investigates Everything - Usually After It's Dead.

If You Want To Be Successful, Love What You Are Doing.

Both Gangs Have Been Bad Sports, So See If At Least One Can't Redeem Themselves By Offering No Alibis, But Cooperate With The Winner, For No Matter Which One It Is The Poor Fellow Is Going To Need It.

There Is A Tremendous Movement On To Get Lower Taxes On Earned Incomes. Then Will Come The Real Problem, 'who Among Us On Salary Are Earning Our Income?'

There Is Two Things That Can Disrupt Business In This Country. One Is War, And The Other Is A Meeting Of The Federal Reserve Bank.

They Are Voting Whether To Keep A Governor Two Years Or Four. I Think A Good, Honest Governor Should Get Four Years, And The Others Life.

I Have Indian Blood In Me. I Have Just Enough White Blood For You To Question My Honesty!

Native American

There Ought To Be One Day - Just One - When There Is Open Season On Senators.

We Do More Talking Progress Than We Do Progressing.

If You Want To Know How A Man Stands, Go Among The People Who Are In His Same Business.

And The Thing About My Jokes Is, They Don't Hurt Anybody. You Can Take 'em Or Leave 'em - You Can Say They're Funny Or They're Terrible Or They're Good, Or Whatever, But You Can Just Pass 'em By. But With Congress, Every Time They Make A Joke, It's A Law! And Every Time They Make A Law, It's A Joke!

And If You Call One A Real Estate Agent And He Won't Sell You Anything. He Is A Realator. It's The Same As What The Old Fashioned Real Estate Agent Used To Be Only The Commission Is Different.

Congress Knew Coolidge Would Veto The Farm Bill. There Was More Politics Than Relief In That Bill.

And, When The Votes Are Counted, Let Everybody, Including The Candidates, Get Into A Good Humor As Quick As They Got Into A Bad One.

A Remark Generally Hurts In Proportion To Its Truth.

He [calvin Coolidge] Is The First President To Discover That What The American People Want Is To Be Left Alone.

Every Guy Looks In His Pocket And Then Votes.

You Have A Wonderful Organization. I Understand You Have Ten Thousand Here. And If You Count The Ones In The Various Federal Prisons, It Brings Your Total Membership Up To Around Thirty Thousand.

Prosperity This Winter Is Going To Be Enjoyed By Everybody That Is Fortunate Enough To Get Into The Poor Farm.

One Thing I Will Say About The Germans, They Are Always Perfectly Willing To Give Somebody's Land To Somebody Else

Everything Is Funny, As Long As It's Happening To Somebody Else.

Being A Hero Is About The Shortest-lived Profession On Earth.

You Know, Women Always Could Endure More Than Men. Not Only Physically, But Mentally - Did You Ever Get A Peek At Some Of The Husbands?

Now These Fellows In Washington Wouldn't Be So Serious And Particular If They Only Had To Vote On What They Thought Was Good For The Majority Of The People In The U.s. That Would Be A Cinch. But What Makes It Hard For Them Is Every Time A Bill Comes Up They Have Things To Decide That Have Nothing To Do With The Merit Of The Bill. The Principal Thing Is Of Course: What Will This Do For Me Personally Back Home?

The Business Of Government Is To Keep The Government Out Of Business - That Is, Unless Business Needs Government Aid.

When You Have Helped To Raise The Standard Of Cooking, You Have Helped To Raise The Only Thing In The World That Really Matters. We Only Have One Or Two Wars In A Lifetime, But We Have Three Meals A Day -- There's Nothing In The World That We Do As Much As We Do Eating.

You Know Lincoln's Famous Remark About "god Must Have Loved The Common People, Because He Made So Many Of Them?" Well, You Are Not Going To Get People's Votes Nowadays By Calling 'em Common. Lincoln Might Have Said It, But I Bet It Was Not Until After He Was Elected.

Everyone Is A Self-made Man. Only The Successful Admit It.

Don't Raise Anything, Except What Fits Your Appetite. Then The Price Don't Worry You. Just Raise All You Can Eat And Let The Low Prices Go By.

The Man That Found The 726-carat Diamond In Africa, Received $350,000 For It And Wants To Buy A Farm And Silk Hat. Well, I Can Understand A Man Perhaps Being Eccentric Enough To Want To Own A Silk Hat.

Ohio Claims They Are Due A President As They Haven't Had One Since Taft. Look At The United States, They Have Not Had One Since Lincoln.

Horses Raise What The Farmer Eats And Eats What The Farmer Raises. You Can't Plow The Ground And Get Gasoline.

We Never Will Have Any Prosperity That Is Free From Speculation Till We Pass A Law That Every Time A Broker Or Person Sells Something, He Has Got To Have It Sitting There In A Bucket, Or A Bag, Or A Jug, Or A Cage, Or A Rat Trap, Or Something, Depending On What It Is He Is Selling. We Are Continually Buying Something That We Never Get From A Man That Never Had It.

I Tell You Folks, All Politics Is Applesauce.

You Can't Legislate Intelligence And Common Sense Into People.

Alexander Hamilton Originated The Put And Take System In Our National Treasury: The Taxpayers Put It In, And The Politicians Take It Out

I Never Met A Man I Didn't Get A Kind Of Strange And Exciting Tingling Sensation From.

Instead Of Giving Money To Found Colleges To Promote Learning, Why Don't They Pass A Constitutional Amendment Prohibiting Anybody From Learning Anything? If It Works As Good As The Prohibition One Did, Why, In Five Years We Would Have The Smartest Race Of People On Earth.

You Can't Fool All Of The People All Of The Time. But It Isn't Necessary.

I Don't Know How I Got Over The Hill Without Getting To The Top.

I Doubt If A Charging Elephant, Or A Rhino, Is As Determined Or Hard To Check As A Socially Ambitious Mother.

It's Getting So If A Man Wants To Stand Well Socially, He Can't Afford To Be Seen With Either The Democrats Or The Republicans.

Well, The Disarmament Conference Is Off To A Flying Start. There Is Nothing To Prevent Their Succeeding Now But Human Nature.

The Short Memories Of The American Voters Is What Keeps Our Politicians In Office.

You Never Get A Second Chance To Make A First Impression.

So Let's Be Honest With Ourselves And Not Take Ourselves Too Serious, And Never Condemn The Other Fellow For Doing What We Are Doing Every Day, Only In A Different Way.

Being Different

I Never Took A Human Life, I Only Sold The Fellow The Gun To Take It With.

The Difference Between A Republican And A Democrat Is That The Democrat Is A Cannibal, They Live Off Each Other, While The Republicans Live Off The Democrats.

The English Should Give Ireland Home Rule - And Reserve The Motion Picture Rights.

We Have Killed More People Celebrating Our Independence Day Than We Lost Fighting For It.

The Minute You Read Something And You Can't Understand It, You Can Be Sure It Was Written By A Lawyer. Then, If You Give It To Another Lawyer To Read And He Don't Know Just What It Means, Then You Can Be Sure It Was Drawn Up By A Lawyer. If It's In A Few Words And Is Plain, And Understandable Only One Way, It Was Written By A Non-lawyer.

Golf Is A Wonderful Exercise. You Can Stand On Your Feet For Hours, Watching Somebody Else Putt.

Steak On The Plate Went Up. Steak On The Hoof Went Down.

Diplomacy Is The Art Of Saying 'nice Doggie' Until You Can Find A Rock.

The Good People Of Dakota Offered To Give Calvin Coolidge A Farm If He Would Live On It. I Wouldn't Advise You To Give Those People Too Much Credit For Generosity. There Is Not A Farmer In Any State In The West That Wouldn't Be Glad To Give Him A Farm If He Will Paint It, Fix Up The Fences And Keep Up The Series Of Mortgages That Are On It. And If You Think Coolidge Ain't Smart, You Just Watch Him Not Take It.

Horsemanship Through The History Of All Nations Has Been Considered One Of The Highest Accomplishments. You Can't Pass A Park Without Seeing A Statue Of Some Old Codger On A Horse. It Must Be To His Bravery, You Can Tell It's Not To His Horsemanship.

Our President Delivered His State Of The Union Message To Congress. That Is One Of The Things His Contract Calls For -- To Tell Congress The Condition Of The Country. This Message, As I Say, Is To Congress. The Rest Of The People Know The Condition Of The Country, For They Live In It, But Congress Has No Idea What Is Going On In America, So The President Has To Tell 'em.

A Comedian Can Only Last Till He Either Takes Himself Serious Or His Audience Takes Him Serious.

You Know Horses Are Smarter Than People. You Never Heard Of A Horse Going Broke Betting On People.

Where I Come From, They Won't Let Me Play With This Rope. They Think I Might Hurt Myself.

No Party Is As Bad As Its Leaders.

People Are Marvelous In Their Generosity, If They Just Know The Cause Is There.

These Dust Storms.... Poor Farmer Spent A Lifetime Fixin' His Farm And Everything, Goes Out And Looks Down At It, And It's Up Above Him.

The Whole Financial Structure Of Wall Street Seems To Rise Or Fall On The Mere Fact That The Federal Reserve Bank Raises Or Lowers The Amount Of Interest. Any Business That Can't Survive A One Percent Change Must Be Skating On Thin Ice. Why Even The Poor Farmer Took A Raise Of Another Ten Percent Just To Get A Loan From The Bank, And Nobody From The Government Paid Any Attention. But You Let Wall Street Have A Nightmare And The Whole Country Has To Help To Get Them Back Into Bed Again.

The Way To Make Money In The Stock Market Is To Buy A Stock. Then, When It Goes Up, Sell It. If It's Not Going To Go Up, Don't Buy It!

So Here We Are In A Country With More Wheat And Corn And More Money In The Bank, More Cotton, More Everything In The World-there's Not A Product That You Can Name That We Haven't Got More Of Than Any Other Country Ever Had On The Face Of The Earth-and Yet We've Got People Starving. We'll Hold The Distinction Of Being The Only Nation In The History Of The World That Ever Went To The Poor House In An Automobile.

Legalize Racing In Every State. Sure People Will Bet, But They Get To See The Horses Run And You Certain Can't See General Motors And General Electric And General Utility Run When You Bet On Them.

I Arrived At My Hut In Beverly Hills Just In Time To Keep Real Estate Men From Plotting Off And Selling My Front Yard. They Will Sell You Anything Or Anybody's In The World As Long As They Can Get A First Payment... It Used To Be Only Iowa That Was Out Here But Now They Have Three Or Four Adjoining States Interested And They Are Here, Too. Real Estate Agents - You Never Saw As Many In Your Life; They Are As Thick As Bootleggers.

Communism Is Like Prohibition, It Is A Good Idea, But It Won't Work.

If Any Of Us Had A Child That We Thought Was As Bad As We Know We Are, We Would Have Cause To Start To Worry.

Work To Make A Living; Serve To Make A Life.

This Session Of Congress Is Also To Relieve The Farmer Again, Relieve Him Of Any Encouragement That He Might Have Received During The Last One.

No Nation Ever Had Two Better Friends That We Have. You Know Who They Are? The Atlantic And Pacific Oceans.

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