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When You're The Director And The Writer, You Never Have To Remember Your Lines, And There's No One To Call You On It. On Garden State I Did Different Lines On Every Take, Just Making Crap Up. And It Was Great Each Time.

-Zach Braff

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When You're The Director

Zach Braff

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When You're The Director And The Writer, You Never Have To Remember Your Lines, And There's No One To Call You On It. On Garden State I Did Different Lines On Every Take, Just Making Crap Up. And It Was Great Each Time.

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I'm Grown Ass Man And Grown Ass Men Can Do Whatever They Want, Got It?

A Lot Of People Say Colonialism Was 'evil' Or Whatever, But What Have They Really Done With Africa Since We Gave It Back To Them? I Don't Think It Should Be Considered 'racist' To Admit Maybe Ending Apartheid Did More Harm Than Good In South Africa.

Without Me, Scrubs Would Be Worse Than The Holocaust. But With Me In It, It's Turned Into The Lolocaust.

So For Front-runners We Have A Black And A Woman. It's Like Being Made To Choose Between Syphilis Or Having And Old Man Crap On Your Face. I Would Do The Country A Favor And Run Myself But I Couldn't Deprive Hollywood Of Me For 4 Years.

When I Was Told They Wanted The Show To Be About Doctors, I Was A Bit Reluctant To Sign On, You Know? I Thought, Why Have A Show About Doctors When We Could Have A Show About The Real Heroes, You Know, Like Me?

So I Was At The Gas Station The Other Day, And I Saw That There Was Braille On The Pumps. I Don't See How They Can Cater To Blind Drivers. I Mean, There Are Certain Rights You Should Lose Once You Lose What Makes You A Person.

Michael Eisner Contacted Me Once And Asked Me If He Could Change The Name Of Disneyland To 'braffland.' I Said No, Because Whenever I Go To Disneyland There's Always Fat People Everywhere Wearing Tight Clothes. Disneyland, Frankly, Has A Lot Of Improving To Do Before It Gets My Namesake.

I'm Not Sure When Or Why The Tabloid Angle On Me Was Decided That I Am A Cad. I Would Have Much Rather It Had Been That I Am Secretly A Dentist Or That I Love Soup.

I Love 'scrubs.' It's The Best Day Job In The World.

Yea, He's Alright...but He's No Zach Braff.

Retarded Kids Are The Best. When They Ask For An Autograph I Just Fake Sign A Picture And Tell Them That It's In Invisible Ink And It Will Show Up Later. They Totally Buy It. It Saves Me A Fortune In Markers.

Compared To My Talents, Whoopi Goldberg Is Like One Of Those Fake Plastic Buddhas You Get At Dollar Stores. I Mean Really, I Fail To See The Humor In An Overweight Negro Woman With Dreadlocks, No Eyebrows, And Is Named After A Childish Term For Flatulence.

I Had A Dream Once. I Wanted To Do A Line Of Cocaine Off A Hooker's Ass. That's When I Realized, 'hey, I'm Freakin' Zach Braff.' I Did It The Next Morning.

I Don't Get Why Arabs Are So Pissed Off At Us. I Mean They Have Enough Oil For All Of Them To Drive A Hummer At What, Maybe 1.50 A Gallon?

Everyone Has An Idea That They Think Would Be A Great Movie. Everyone Has A Cousin Who They Think You Should Work With.

Over Half A Century On And They're Still Complaining About It. Compare It To The Fact That Garden State Didn't Win An Oscar And They Seem A Little Petty If You Ask Me. I Guess That Just Goes To Show What Kind Of People They Really Are.

Women Have The Right To Choose What Do With Their Own Bodies. They Can Take It In The Cooch Or In The Pooper. But That's Where Their Right To Choose Stops, In My Opinion.

I Mean, Personally, I Would Have Had No Problem Surviving. Come On, How Hard Is It To Swim?

Minutes To Learn, A Lifetime To Master. People Just Don't Understand That

I Don't Ask Questions. I Just Figure The Extra Warm Days Are God's Way Of Rewarding Me For Garden State

It Used To Be That You Came Out Of School, And You Got Married - Those Who Were Going To Get Married. But My Peers Are Getting Married In Their Early 30s, So Now There's Like This Extra 10 Years Of That Angst.

The Only Women I Publicly Date Are Those Who Have A Higher Imdb Rating Than Me.

I Think I Suffer From Some Mild Depression.

People Have Always Wondered What My Opinion On Stevie Wonder Is. I Say If He's So Great How Come He Can't See? I Mean, God Doesn't Make Mistakes, Just Look At Me For Example.

I'm Not Gay, But I'm Still The Kind Of Guy Where, Even Though You Have No Chance, They Still Want To Hang Around Me So You Can Get A Good Mental Image And Jerk Off To Me Later.

Yeah, I Saw The Guy Running Out Of The Building Carrying A Rifle, I Just Didn't Say Anything To The Cops Because I Was So Happy That I Wasn't The One Who Got Shot.

I Mean, What's Eleven Million People Now Days?

If You're Dumb Enough To Volunteer For The Army, I Don't See Why We're Supposed To Feel So Bad When You Get Shot. I'm Not Saying We Should Throw A Party Or Anything, But Is It Such A Tragedy? If I'd Gotten Shot Before I Made 'garden State', Yeah, That's A Tragedy, But Some Red-state Hick Getting His Legs Blown Off? Come On.

Incognito Mode? What Do They Have To Hide? Zach Braff Doesn't Have Anything To Hide - Zach Braff Lays It All Out There For Everybody To See. That Is Zach Braff's Secret To Zach Braff's Success.

I Think They're Bogus, Honestly. How Utter Garbage Like Crash And Million Dollar Baby Can Win Best Picture, Where True Works Of Art Such As Garden State Go Untouched Is Beyond Me. It Just Proves How Close-minded America Really Is, And I Refuse To Take Part In It.

People Have Called Me Fake, But Personally, I Don't Think I'm Fake Because I'm So Insincere.

I'm Not The Kind Of Person Who Digs Through Things Other People Have Thrown Away.

My Dog Has A Cough. If You've Never Seen A Dog With A Cough, I Recommend Trying To Find One. It's Hilarious.

You Always See Black People Complaining About This And That, But You Never See Me Complaining About How Slow They Work On My Plantation.

The Jews Are Just Clumsy Bakers.

I Think The [new England] Patriots' Season Should Have An Asterisk Next To It Because Everything They're Accomplishing Is Against Teams Coached By People Other Than Me.

I Certainly Do Not Consider Myself The Next Jesus. I'd Say He Was More Of A Precursor To Zach Braff.

I Really Like Just Super Dry Comedy.

I Don't Like The Term 'black People', I Find It Demeaning To Those Of Us That Actually Qualify As 'people'.

I'm Hanging Out With My New York Friends, My Jersey Boys, My Family And Loving Every Single Second Of It.

Dude, Writing, Acting And Directing Are Such Easy Jobs. But To Do Them All As Awesomely As Zach Braff Does, Well That... That's Something.

People Are Always Going To Find Fault With Anything You Do, Any Process That You're A Part Of. The Creative Process Means Taking Risks, I've Taken Risks And I've Made Mistakes, But The Bottom Line Is, Could Anyone Else Have Done Any Better ? I Have To Believe That What I Created Was Worthwhile.

Ya Know, Hitler Was This Evil, Evil Man. But With The World Bank And Israel Manipulating America, He Might Have Been On To Something.

Don't Get Me Wrong, I Love The Idea Of Killing Unwanted Babies, It's Just That The Idea Of Letting Women Make A Decision Doesn't Sit Well With Me.

I Like The Punch Beggers And Panhandlers When They Ask Me For Change. I Feel Like I Am Doing My Part To Clean Up The Streets.

The Greatest Charity You Can Contribute To Is Yourself. Instead Of Spending A Dollar To Help Feed Hungry Children, Why Not Spend That Dollar On Hair Gel So You Can Get The Perfect Cowlick?

Honestly, The Only Way Garden State Could Have Been Better Was If I Played Every Character. I'm Awesome.

I Didn't Necessarily Have A Total Idea When I Was Writing The Movie Of Where Everything Was Going. I Just Wanted To Have Really Realistic Dialogue And Write Like People I Knew Talked. I Tried To Keep It Very Real.

I'm Kind Of Jealous Of The Life I'm Supposedly Leading.

I Was Excited About The Dark Knight Until Heath Ledger Gave Away The Ending, Batman Always Wins.

My Co-stars Aren't Bad Actors, But They're No Zach Braff.

I Mean, I Understand That Scrubs Was My Big Break, But Sooner Or Later You Have To Move On. I've Already Directed A Movie, Which Received Very Good Reviews, So It Just Seems Much More Important To Me Now. I Feel That In Order To Better Foster My Creativity As An Actor And Director At This Point, I Need To Be Surrounded By Other Talented, Artistic Individuals, Instead Of Just Goofy Comedians.

People Always Tell Me I Should Run For President, But I Don't Think They'd Give Me Enough Time Off To Make My Films.

I'm A Big Proponent Of 'don't Ask, Don't Tell,' In Fact, I Enforce It Strictly On All Of My Dates. First, I Don't Ask Them For Sex, And Then I Warn Them Not To Tell Anyone After I'm Through.

I Don't Think Restaurants Should Refuse To Serve Minority People. They Are Quite Tasty When Prepared Correctly.

Everyone Has A Warped Vision Of Hollywood And What Success In Hollywood Is Like.

It's Not That I Think The Nazis Were Right, Or Anything. It's Just That, We Weren't There, We Don't Know.

I Never Really Understood All The Hype, Until I Got One Of My Own.

I Mean, I Understand That Because They're Disadvantaged That They Deserve Their Own Parking Spots, But Do They Have To Make Them So Wide? I Never Understood How These People Were Allowed To Drive Cars But They Get These Really Neat Chairs With Wheels And They're Still Not Happy, So Instead Of Parking Their Wheelchairs In The Designated Spots, They Upstage Us Normal People And Get The Best Parking Spots With Vehicles That Are Clearly Too Sophisticated For Them To Be Handling. Still, You Should Smile At A Cripple, Because It's The Only Bit Of Happiness They'll Ever Have.

I Can't Watch The News Anymore. They Have Their Priorities All Out Of Whack. All I See Is Natalee Holloway And Britney Spears And The War In Iraq. Where's The Substantive News? Where's The Zach Braff Coverage?

It Has Been Pretty Much Downhill Ever Since The 13th Amendment

I'm Not Lazy, I Drive Everywhere Myself, The Dog Could've Learned Something From Me.

Sure, It Was Terrible And All, But You Have To Ask Yourself: If The Whole City Was Flooded, Why Couldn't They Just Swim To Safety?

Yeah I Saw An Inconvenient Truth, And I Dont Want To Say It Was Preachy But Let's Not Kid Ourselves, I've Got Far More Important Work To Do

I Went To Film School And Wanted To Learn Everything There Was About Making Movies.

Yea, I've Got A Dream Too. It Involves Time-travel And A Rifle.

I Actually Did Ponder Doing The Brad Pitt/angelina Jolie Thing And Get A Kid From Ethiopia. But You Know, I Already Have An Ashtray.

I Blame Walt Disney; Well He Has To Find Voice Actors Better Than Me Somehow Doesn't He?

If I Wasn't An Actor? Hmm, I'd Probably Be A Serial Killer. I'm Just So Damn Likeable, No One Would Ever Suspect Me.

I Lot Of People Remember When That Kid Spray-painted My Brand New Porsche For Punk'd. That Was Pretty Funny. He Got Me Pretty Good. Of Course, Most People Don't Know I Eventually Got Him Back With My Own Show. I Call It A Show, Really It's Just An Hour-long Video Shot In My Bedroom Featuring The Two Of Us.

I'm A Busy Guy; I Just Get A Lot Of People That Sound Like Me To Go Out And Visit Them. They Don't Know The Difference And, Let's Face It, They Aren't Going To Be Paying To See My Movies Anytime Soon.

What Else Could I Tell Them? I Like My Women Like I Like My Whiskey: 12 Years Old And Mixed Up With Coke.

When I Think About The Holidays, I Think About The Salvation Army Guys Ringing Bells In Front Of Stores. They're Always So Nice To You And They're Always Willing To Give A Heart To Heart Conversation. They Actually Bear The Winter Cold To Ask For Your Petty Cash With A Smile On Their Face. Fudge Those Guys.

For Me, Acting In Scenes With Other People Is Like Playing Soccer With A Bunch Of Legless Five Year Olds. It's Not Really Fair To Them, But What Else Can I Do, You Know?

Actually, I Stopped Looking At Myself In The Mirror Years Ago. I Wasn't Making It To Work On Time.

Well I Don't Like To Think Too Far Ahead Because It Scares Me A Little To Think Of What This World Will Come To After I'm Gone, But I Suppose Life Will Have To Go On, Right? At Least Everyone Will Still Be Able To Watch Reruns Of Scrubs.

You Know How They Do That Effect In Movies, Where They Make It Look Like You Have A Twin, But It's Really Just The Same Actor Playing Both Characters In The Scene? I Knew This Would Be The Best Route, But I Just Wasn't Comfortable Dressing As A Woman, So I Had To Hire Other Actors.

If It Were Up To Me, It'd Be Outlawed. I Mean, Come On. Zach Braff Was Born Streamlined, And That's How It Should Stay!

Hitler Was About Population Control.

Population Control

There Is One Person I Can Think Of Better Than Me. And That's Zach Braff. What A Cool Guy.

As A Kid Who Wasn't Into Sports, At School I Felt Almost Alienated At Times, Whereas In The Theatre Community There Was This Amazing Sense Of Camaraderie. Early On, We Would Go To Rehearsals With My Dad And I Was Like The Mascot For The Backstage Crew. That Was A Big Part Of My Childhood, So I Dreamed Of One Day Doing A Play In London.

People Keep Asking Me Whether I'm Going To Vote For Obama Or Mccain In The Election. But I'm Like, Why Bother? There Will Never Be Another Leader As Good As He Was.

I Always Liked The Story Of Noah's Ark And The Idea Of Starting Anew By Rescuing The Things You Like And Leaving The Rest Behind.

The Easiest Way To Lose Something Is To Want It Too Badly.

Maybe That's All That Family Really Is, A Group Of People Who All Miss The Same Imaginary Place.

If I Could Change Anything About Garden State, It Would Be To Cast Somebody Else For The Female Lead. Natalie Just Isn't Really That Good Of An Actress. Especially When Compared To Me. Just Watch The Two Of Us, It's Light And Dark. I Am By Far The Better Jew.

I Could See Why Someone Would Want To Make A Website About Me, And My Quotes. They Are All Gold. How Many People Have Written, Directed And Starred In Their Own Movies. I Just Don't Know Why They Would Want To Put Words Into My Mouth, I Mean I Did Write, Direct And Star In A Critically Acclaimed Movie.

When I Let Some Girl Take Me In Her Mouth I Think This Is What Jesus Must Feel Like During Communion.

My Mother's A Psychologist, My Stepfather's A Psychologist, My Stepmother Is A Therapist And My Dad's A Lawyer. So It Was All Prominent In My Life. I Don't Know Anyone Who Doesn't Know Someone On Some Form Of Prescription Medicine.

If God Wanted Women To Be Treated Equally To Men, He'd Have Given Them Penises.

I'm Not An Hour Late. You Guys Were Just An Hour Early.

I've Turned Down A Lot Of Proposed Scripts For Scrubs Episodes, Mainly Ones With Aids Patients. It Sickens Me, Really. If You Don't Want Aids, Don't Be A Ice Cream Man. Or African. I'm Neither And I'm Fine.

I Was Mad When I Heard The Amazing Race Wasn't About White People.

One Time I Considered Making A Video Game About My Life Where People Control A Character Called 'zach Braff' And Run Around Being Awesome. Then I Realized That Getting To Pretend To Be Me Would Be Like Shooting Up Heroin For Anyone Who Played It, And I Don't Want That On My Conscience.

I Really Don't Know Why We Need A Whole Month Dedicated To Blacks. It's Not Like They're The Only Ones That Suffered. I Mean, What About Us Whites? We're The Ones That Have To Deal With These Monkeys Everyday, But You Don't See Us Demanding A Whole Month To Ourselves.

I Think There Are Bound To Be Obstacles In Any Path To Success. I Mean, I'm Jewish, And There's Nothing I Can Do About That. Instead Of Sitting Around And Feeling Sorry For Myself, I Got Over It And Did Something With My Life.

It Raises Several Serious Questions. For Example, How Can There Possibly Be More Than One Person As Awesome As Me?

I Mean, Nobody's Ever Thrown A Big Rock At Me Or My Friends, But We're All Pretty Tough Guys And Could Probably Handle It.

A Child's Death Is Really Of Less Value Than An Adult's. I Mean, What Could You Really Accomplish In A Year? Not Much, And That's Not Even Talking About, You Know, Pay-wise.

I Think We Have To Acknowledge That People Are Different And Succeed At Different Things, First Of All. Men Are Better Than Women At Some Professions Like Firefighting, Construction Work, And Physics. But Women Are Better Than Men At Some Professions, Too, Like Elementary Teaching, Prostitution, And Giving Birth. Who's To Say Which Is More Important?

I Know That [mike] Tyson Talked About Wanting To Eat His Opponent's Children, But I Don't Think He Ever Had The Balls To Do It. I'm Different - When I Kidnapped Bill Lawrence's Daughter, I Cut Off All Of Her Fingers Before Sending My Demands So That I Wouldn't Have To Sit There And Wait For Him To Ignore Them. We Worked Things About About Nine Hours In, Which Is Good Because I Ate Her Thumb As A Midnight Snack.

I Don't Care About Image And All That Nonsense. I'm In Sweat Pants Every Day. I Don't Play The Game At All.

When I Was Little I Always Wanted To Drive A Train. That, And Become A Baker.

I Don't Think That Other Races Are Inferior, I Just Think That There's Something Special About White People. Sometimes, When I Think About All The Things White People Have Accomplished Throughout History, I Smile, And I Nod, And I Think To Myself, 'yeah, I'm Glad I'm On That Team.'

I Was Kosher Until I Had My Bar Mitzvah, And I Parlayed Officially Becoming A Man Into Telling My Father I Wanted To Eat Cheeseburgers.

I Always Wanted To Direct Movies. That's What I Set Out To Do. When I Was A Little Kid I Just Dreamed Of Making Movies, And I Went To Film School [at Northwestern University].

If Nothing Else, I'm Making A Movie That I'll Enjoy.

I Have A Great Relationship With My Parents. I Have Not Been On Lithium.

Great Relationship

Yeah I Thought About Making The Character Of Jd Gay... But Then I Thought, But What About All The Poor Girls Dreams You'll Be Crushing

People Always Say The God Father Is The #1 Movie Of All Time. But Ask Yourself, Did You See Zach Braff In It....no You Didn't. So Then By Default It Goes To Garden State..and If Youwatch Two Episodes Of Scrubs Back To Back That Counts As The #2.

I Wouldn't Call Myself A Modern Shakespeare, But Shakespeare Was Probably To His Generation What I Am To Mine.

I Love The Holiday Season, Almost As Much As I Love Touching Myself In Front Of Orphans.

The Biggest Problem I Had With Starring In Scrubs Were The Black Doctors. I Just Had To Keep Telling Myself This Show Was Satire.

Ever Since I Was Little It Was Programmed Into Me That London Is Where Great Theatre Occurs And All The Big Shows You Love Start There.

I've Always Tried To Learn From The Greats: Orson Welles, Humphrey Bogart, Ghandi, Buddha, Jesus... It's Just That There's This Tremendous Pressure To Correct All The Things They Got Wrong.

Sure, They Are The Future Of Our World. Nike And Reebok Need More Factory Workers Every Day.

Its Not That I'm In Love With Myself, I'm Just Trying To Pick Up Everyone Else's Slack.

I'm By No Means Condemning Prescription Medicine For Mental Health. I've Seen It Save A Lot Of People's Lives.

Working On 'scrubs' Made Me Feel Guilty Because I Realized That If I Had Decided To Become An Actual Doctor, Instead Of Just Playing One, I Could Probably Have Found A Cure To Cancer Within Five Years.

Probably The Most Memorable Even Of My Life Is When I Was Born. It Really Made Me Who I Am. If I Die, I Hope To Go Out The Same Way I Came In, But I Don't Think My Mother Would Be Into That.

You Don't Need An Alarm Clock When You Sleep With 20 Models A Night, One Of Those Broads'll Figure Out That They Better Make Breakfast In Bed Or I'll Kill All Of Them.

You Know, I Think There Should Be A Zach Braff Day. We Could Have It On December 25th And Then People Can Decide Whether They Want To Celebrate Me Or Jesus. If You Ask Me, The Choice Is Pretty Obvious.

One Time A Reporter Asked Me What My Worst Quality Was. I Looked Him In The Eyes Then Punched Him In The Face. I Kind Of Felt Bad About It Later, But He Didn't Need To Be Rude.

I'd Really Like To Give Back To The World, But Everything I've Achieved, I've Earned On My Own, So What's The Point?

Of Course Killing People Is 'wrong', But I Think History Shows That Sometimes It Serves The Greater Good.

I Mean, So What If It's A Little Dangerous? A One-armed Kid Is Comedy Gold.

I Never Taught A Blind/deaf Chick To Read, But Somehow I've Managed To Turn Scrubs Into A Watchable Show. That May Not Sound Like Much, But Take A Look At My Surrounding Cast And Ask Yourself, Who's The Real Miracle Worker?

They Say The Number On Rule In Showbusiness Is Not To Work With Animals. I Guess I'm Above The Rules Because I Put Up With That For Seven Years.

Whenever I'm Feeling A Bit Down, I Always Visit The Local Children's Hospital. Knowing That Those Cancer-kids Wont Be Able To Live Long Enough To Surpass Me In Fame Just Warms My Heart, You Know?

Didn't We Learn Our Lesson From Planet Of The Apes?

Bigger Than The Beatles? Well, How Many Grammys Did They Win? Exactly, None, Yet I Have One, And I've Never Even Released A Cd.

I Think A Lot Of People Are Drawn To Seeing People That Want To Be Better. We See It In Ourselves.

I Once Looked In The Mirror At Myself And Noticed That, Without A Doubt, I Am A Sexy Man. In Fact, I Don't Think I'll Ever Get Married...it Just Wouldn't Be Fair For My Spouse To Catch Me Enjoying A Look In The Mirror More Than Having Sex With Her.

I Know I Probably Should Be Sad About My Mother's Cancer... But She Still Hasn't Seen The Last Kiss, You Know?

Look On The Bright Side; That's One Bullet That's Not Going To Hit Me.

Now That 'scrubs' Is Over, People Seem To Feel More Comfortable Telling Me That I Was A Total Douche To Them For The Past 8 Years. And The Whole Time I'm Thinking, 'who Are You?'

I Love Queers As Much As The Next Guy, I Just Don't Think I Should Have To Sit Beside Them On Public Transport.

In April 1975 I Was Born And The Vietnam War Ended. I Could Not Let Any American Die In War Before Seeing An Episode Of Scrubs.

If We've Learned Anything, It's That The Combination Of Yellow Smiley Faces And Blue Polyester Vests Are Irresistible To The Inbred.

It's Always Weird Being The Only White Person In A Group. It Feels Like Everyone's Looking To Me For Guidance.

I Never Go Easy On Kids When I Play Board Games. The Sooner They Learn What The Consequence Of Entering A Competition Is, The Better. If They Win, I Punch Them In The Face Like Any Adult.

I've Always Preferred Marvel Over Dc. I Just Relate To Their Characters Better. I Mean Look At Wolverine, At First He Was Just A Bit Player In An Ensemble Cast. Now He's The Only Reason People Read X-men. Just Like Me And Scrubs.

I'm Pretty Sure Africa Was Made Up By The Media To Scare People. I Mean, I've Never Seen It. Have You? I Didn't Think So.

Some People Just Can't Handle That They Will Never Be A Better Actor Than Me

I Have No Desire To Make Money Off Musicians. I Just Want To Promote Them Because I Want To Share Music.

I Guess Sometimes God Just Needs To Laugh

I Think In A Play It's Wise To Just Sit Back And Watch Other Actors And Be Able To Shape It From The Audience.

I Don't Have Anything Against This Jesus Guy, But Has He Written, Directed, And Starred In His Own Movie?

I Was Originally Set To Star In 'the Bourne Identity,' But I Found It Too Difficult To Even Pretend To Forget Who I Was.

When You're The Director And The Writer, You Never Have To Remember Your Lines, And There's No One To Call You On It. On Garden State I Did Different Lines On Every Take, Just Making Crap Up. And It Was Great Each Time.

I Really Couldn't Say How Famous I Really Am, That's For The History Books To Decide. But I'll Probably Be Pretty Up There.

The Way I Write Is That I'll Actually Have A Conversation Out Loud With Myself. In A Weird Way, I Just Kind Of Get Schizophrenic And Play Two Characters.

People Compared Garden State To The Graduate, But When Was The Last Time You Saw Dustin Hoffman Doing What I Do?

One Time This Guy On The Street Wanted Me To Give Him A Medical Opinion, Because I'm A Doctor On Tv. I'm Also A Real Doctor. But I'm Also Zack Braff, So I Kicked Him In The Groin.

I Find My Movie Props In My Neighbors Houses.

I Figure It This Way - If A Woman Claims She Didn't Want Me To Fudge Her, Then You Already Know She's A Liar. So What The Hell's The Point Of A Trial, Y'know?

I Remember Once I Went To Go See A Movie, And In Front Of Me In Line There Was A Little Boy Who Looked So Eager To See It, Like It Was Christmas Morning. When He Got To The Ticket Booth It Turned Out There Was Only One Ticket Left; The Manager Was There And Wanted To Give It To Me Instead Since I Was Famous. That's When I Knew I'd Hit It Big.

It Blows My Mind That There Are People Out There Who Deny The Holocaust. Why Would You Ever Deny Such A Great Achievement. It's Like Denying The Cure For Polio Or Something.

You Always See Actors Complaining About Being Typecast And Ruining Their Career. Really, I Don't See The Point In Complaining. If The Only Role You Can Play Well Is A Black Dude, You're Never Going To Get Ahead In This Town, And You Should Just Accept It.

Sometimes Sarah [chalke] Starts To Talk About Iraq Or Whatever And She Gets All Excited, Like I Actually Give A Crap What She's Saying. Come On, She's A Woman. But Still, It's Very Cute.

My Favorite Meal? It Has To Be Furburgers Everyday In The Morning.

It Was Really Starting To Get Pathetic, Everyday They Would Come In Looking For One Thing Or Another. 'zach, Can You Give Me Some Acting Tips?' 'zach, Will You Let Me Blow You?' 'can I Have Some Cash?' That's When I Made The Call, That's When I Decided Seven Was Enough

It's Really Hard To Find Parts That Challenge Me As An Actor These Days. At This Point In My Career, I Feel Like I Can Just Sleepwalk Through Most Of My Roles And Still Do A Better Job Than 90 Percent Of The Actors Out There.

My Tears Cure Cancer Too, It's Just That I Laugh At Cancer Patients.

I Know Every Politician Spins The Truth A Little.

I've Always Wanted To Have Kids Of My Own, It's Just Tough Finding A Woman I Wouldn't Be Wasting My Dna On.

Let's Face It, It's Only Called Scrubs Because I'm Saving 'zach Braff' For My Autobiography.

I Mean, Some People Accuse Me Of Being Racist. I'm Totally Not, I'm Just Better Than Everybody Else.

The Best Way To Travel Abroad Is To Live With The Locals.

I Did Theater For A Few Years While I Was In New York, But It Was Tough Having To Perform Scripts Worse Than What I Knew I Could Write.

That Cyclone In Burma? That Was Just Me Doing The Dance To That Annoying Ass Song.

Oh Sure, I Have A Few Black People In My Family Tree. They're Probably Still Hanging There.

I Mean, I Know Thousands Of People Died And Everything, But If It Happened Today, There's Just No Excuse. They'd Be Much Safer Inside A Movie Theater Watching One Of My Movies Instead Of Burning Alive In A Collapsing Skyscraper.

I've Had To Remove All Mirrors From My Home. I Just Can't Seem To Look At Myself Without Having To Buff The Bishop, You Know?

Well It's Not That I Hate Them, But Honestly If I Saw Two Homeless People Begging For Money, One White And One Black, And I Only Had One Quarter... Well I'd Probably Keep It Actually.

Seriously, When's The Last Time You Saw Me Wear Shorts?

Im Just Not Really Attracted To Black Chicks.

It's Not That George Bush Doesn't Care About Black People, God Made Hurricanes, Not People Who Can't Swim.

It Really Is Fascinating Stuff, And I've Picked It Up On Scrubs. Memorizing Lines Is At Least As Hard As Studying A Text Book, I Mean, By This Point I Know About As Much As Most 'real' Doctors.

I Donno, It's Not Impressive. Once I Put Ear Plugs In And Put A Blind Fold On For Like 14 Minutes And I Did Just Fine.

At This Point I Feel Like I Could Go Out And Accomplish Anything. I'd Just Love To See Will Smith's Face If He Found Out I, Z-braff, Have The Number One Rap Album In The Country. That'd Show That No-talent Uncle Tom.

When Things Seem To Be Slowing Down, There's This Little Trick I Like To Play. I'd Plow This Virgin Who's On Her Period, And After I'm Done I'd Just Run Out Into The Living Room, Or The Dance Floor, With All That Bloody Goop On My Junk And Yell, Oh My God, I've Been Shot In The Nads! Yeah, Good Times.

I'm A Film Geek Man. I Love Toys. I Love Everything In Filmmaking, So For Me To Just Be Around This Technology Is Just So Cool To Watch It Being Used For The First Time, Some Of The Stuff.

I Wouldn't Say I'm Bigger Than Jesus. If I Had To Guess, I'd Say Probably, Yeah, But As Far As I Know, The Bible Is Never Clear On This.

Well I Can Understand Why Men Want It To Be Legal. Obviously They're All Hoping They Might Get To Marry Me Someday. I Hate To Burst Their Bubble, But They Should Just Give It Up Now. Zach Braff Doesn't Sway That Way, You Know?

I Was Originally Casted To Be In The Superman Movie But I Read The Script And Realized That It Was Mysteriously Similar To My Screenplay For Zach Braff The Movie.

It Turns Out Superman Is Weak To Kryptonite And Horses.

People Ask Me, 'did The Fame Come Too Fast? Do You Ever Wish For Your Old Life?' I Always Tell Them That There's Nothing On Earth Better Than Being Famous.

She Can't Say No If She's Unconscious.

So, Yeah, I Mean, There Is Something Universal About That Feeling - That 20-something, What The Hell Am I Going To Do With My Life, I'm Lost And My Parents Are Freaking Me Out, And What's The Point? Every Generation Has A Way Of Making That Unique, But There Are Certain Universals Of That Feeling.

Of Course I Don't Use My A-material, It Doesn't Matter If They Think I'm Funny Or Not Because They Won't Be Thinking Anything Pretty Soon Anyways, If You Caych My Drift.

Well, I'm Not Saying That America Is A Bad Place Or Anything. I Just Think 9/11 Needed To Happen Sooner Or Later.

I Like Hot Dogs. I Like Eggplant. I Like Pizza And Creamed Corn And Beer. But I Don't Like Arabs.

Actually When I Gave Out The Script, I Gave It With A Cd Of All The Music I Wanted To Put In The Movie, And Again, We Never Thought We'd Get All That Music.

Some People Just Don't Want To Put In The Effort. I Just Show Up And Say Some Lines And I'm Famous. Anyone Living Below The Poverty Line Just Needs To Shape Up Or Be Shipped Out, You Know?

I Want To Take Piano Lessons, I Want To Study At University, I Want To Travel, I Want To Do Other Parts, Make Another Movie.

Eight Gold Medals? If I Wanted I Could Make A Movie About Me Winning Nine Gold Medals. Now That's Real Power.

I Can't Say I Agree With Something That Takes The Focus Away From Me.

The Only Real Difference Between Hookers, Stippers, Sluts And Regualar Women How Many Times You Can Hit Them Before They Cry. Hookers Can Really Take A Punch, I'll Tell You That Much.

If Global Warming Is Such A Bad Thing, Then Why Is It Taking Out All Of Mankind's Competitors? It Just Seems To Me That The Less Species Are Out There, Killing All Our Caribou, The Better.

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