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I Mean, I Understand That Scrubs Was My Big Break, But Sooner Or Later You Have To Move On. I've Already Directed A Movie, Which Received Very Good Reviews, So It Just Seems Much More Important To Me Now. I Feel That In Order To Better Foster My Creativity As An Actor And Director At This Point, I Need To Be Surrounded By Other Talented, Artistic Individuals, Instead Of Just Goofy Comedians.

-Zach Braff

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I Mean, I Understand

Zach Braff

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I Mean, I Understand That Scrubs Was My Big Break, But Sooner Or Later You Have To Move On. I've Already Directed A Movie, Which Received Very Good Reviews, So It Just Seems Much More Important To Me Now. I Feel That In Order To Better Foster My Creativity As An Actor And Director At This Point, I Need To Be Surrounded By Other Talented, Artistic Individuals, Instead Of Just Goofy Comedians.

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Well, I'm Not Saying That America Is A Bad Place Or Anything. I Just Think 9/11 Needed To Happen Sooner Or Later.

When I Played The Shins, I Changed Someone's Life. When I Play Belle And Sebastian In A Pivotal Scene In My Next Movie...well, Let's Just Say I Made Sure I That I Can't Be Held Legally Responsible For All The Deaths People Will Suffer Out Of Shock Upon Hearing Them. They're A Terrific Band.

I Don't Get Why Arabs Are So Pissed Off At Us. I Mean They Have Enough Oil For All Of Them To Drive A Hummer At What, Maybe 1.50 A Gallon?

Let's Face It, It's Only Called Scrubs Because I'm Saving 'zach Braff' For My Autobiography.

One Time A Reporter Asked Me What My Worst Quality Was. I Looked Him In The Eyes Then Punched Him In The Face. I Kind Of Felt Bad About It Later, But He Didn't Need To Be Rude.

I Don't Like The Term 'black People', I Find It Demeaning To Those Of Us That Actually Qualify As 'people'.

It's Funny When I Read The Tabloids And They're Reporting On Only A Fraction Of The Life I'm Leading.

Actually When I Gave Out The Script, I Gave It With A Cd Of All The Music I Wanted To Put In The Movie, And Again, We Never Thought We'd Get All That Music.

Eight Gold Medals? If I Wanted I Could Make A Movie About Me Winning Nine Gold Medals. Now That's Real Power.

Sure, They Are The Future Of Our World. Nike And Reebok Need More Factory Workers Every Day.

I Have A Great Relationship With My Parents. I Have Not Been On Lithium.

Great Relationship

My Favorite Meal? It Has To Be Furburgers Everyday In The Morning.

I Certainly Do Not Consider Myself The Next Jesus. I'd Say He Was More Of A Precursor To Zach Braff.

It's... It's Such A Weird Thing. After Garden State, So Many Companies Wanted To Make My Movies, And After The Last Kiss, I Realized People Would Make Anything I Was In. As Long As I Keep This Up I'll Be Swimming In Chubby Indie Girl Pussy.

I Think Sports Are Very Beneficial In The Fight Against Obesity. I Remember Playing Little League - I Was The Best Person On The Pitch By A Long Shot. It Was Only Last Weekend Actually, I Think I Have Some Photos Of It If You're Interested.

I Don't Think That Other Races Are Inferior, I Just Think That There's Something Special About White People. Sometimes, When I Think About All The Things White People Have Accomplished Throughout History, I Smile, And I Nod, And I Think To Myself, 'yeah, I'm Glad I'm On That Team.'

People Keep Asking Me Whether I'm Going To Vote For Obama Or Mccain In The Election. But I'm Like, Why Bother? There Will Never Be Another Leader As Good As He Was.

I've Had To Remove All Mirrors From My Home. I Just Can't Seem To Look At Myself Without Having To Buff The Bishop, You Know?

I Heard About The Dalai Lama, You Know And I Thought To Myself, Why Not Me?

I Donno, It's Not Impressive. Once I Put Ear Plugs In And Put A Blind Fold On For Like 14 Minutes And I Did Just Fine.

It's Not That I'm Racist Or Anything, Because I'm Not, But I Just Don't Think We Should Be Wasting Our Time Helping People That Are Going To Die Soon Anyway.

The Way I Write Is That I'll Actually Have A Conversation Out Loud With Myself. In A Weird Way, I Just Kind Of Get Schizophrenic And Play Two Characters.

People Compared Garden State To The Graduate, But When Was The Last Time You Saw Dustin Hoffman Doing What I Do?

Gay Men In L.a. Are All A Bunch Of Tens Looking For An Eleven.

I Have No Desire To Make Money Off Musicians. I Just Want To Promote Them Because I Want To Share Music.

The Success Of 'scrubs' Allowed Me To Pursue Anything I Felt Passionately About Without Having To Worry About Money. It Allowed Me To Spend My Summer Work Shopping My Show At A Nonprofit Theater.

I Really Couldn't Say How Famous I Really Am, That's For The History Books To Decide. But I'll Probably Be Pretty Up There.

I Think The Saddest Moments In Life Have Humor In Them. I Have A Memory Of Coming Home From A Funeral With My Family In The Back Of A Limousine And Someone Cracking A Joke And Us Just Hysterically Belly Laughing. It's How We Always Dealt With Tragedy In Our Lives And I Think It's Such A Healthy Way To Deal With Sadness.

There's A Lot Of Gray Area In The Law. Who Can Say, Without A Doubt, That I Was In The Wrong?

I Think A Lot Of People Are Drawn To Seeing People That Want To Be Better. We See It In Ourselves.

I Mean, I Understand That Scrubs Was My Big Break, But Sooner Or Later You Have To Move On. I've Already Directed A Movie, Which Received Very Good Reviews, So It Just Seems Much More Important To Me Now. I Feel That In Order To Better Foster My Creativity As An Actor And Director At This Point, I Need To Be Surrounded By Other Talented, Artistic Individuals, Instead Of Just Goofy Comedians.

It Used To Be That You Came Out Of School, And You Got Married - Those Who Were Going To Get Married. But My Peers Are Getting Married In Their Early 30s, So Now There's Like This Extra 10 Years Of That Angst.

If God Wanted Women To Be Treated Equally To Men, He'd Have Given Them Penises.

If Nothing Else, I'm Making A Movie That I'll Enjoy.

I Don't Ask Questions. I Just Figure The Extra Warm Days Are God's Way Of Rewarding Me For Garden State

I Don't Mind It If Blacks Want Equal Rights, As Long As They Mean Rights Equal To A Dog

I Did Theater For A Few Years While I Was In New York, But It Was Tough Having To Perform Scripts Worse Than What I Knew I Could Write.

I Use The N Word Almost Daily. It Reminds Me That I'm Successful

I Don't Have Anything Against This Jesus Guy, But Has He Written, Directed, And Starred In His Own Movie?

Sure, It Was Terrible And All, But You Have To Ask Yourself: If The Whole City Was Flooded, Why Couldn't They Just Swim To Safety?

I Love Queers As Much As The Next Guy, I Just Don't Think I Should Have To Sit Beside Them On Public Transport.

You Always See Actors Complaining About Being Typecast And Ruining Their Career. Really, I Don't See The Point In Complaining. If The Only Role You Can Play Well Is A Black Dude, You're Never Going To Get Ahead In This Town, And You Should Just Accept It.

Well I Don't Like To Think Too Far Ahead Because It Scares Me A Little To Think Of What This World Will Come To After I'm Gone, But I Suppose Life Will Have To Go On, Right? At Least Everyone Will Still Be Able To Watch Reruns Of Scrubs.

As A Kid Who Wasn't Into Sports, At School I Felt Almost Alienated At Times, Whereas In The Theatre Community There Was This Amazing Sense Of Camaraderie. Early On, We Would Go To Rehearsals With My Dad And I Was Like The Mascot For The Backstage Crew. That Was A Big Part Of My Childhood, So I Dreamed Of One Day Doing A Play In London.

You Know, I've Occasionally Tried To Watch Other Shows Besides Scrubs, But Comparing Them Is A Bit Like Me Competing In The Special Olympics. Obviously I Would Win Without Contest, But The Point Is That They Are Trying Their Best.

I Could See Why Someone Would Want To Make A Website About Me, And My Quotes. They Are All Gold. How Many People Have Written, Directed And Starred In Their Own Movies. I Just Don't Know Why They Would Want To Put Words Into My Mouth, I Mean I Did Write, Direct And Star In A Critically Acclaimed Movie.

I'm A Film Geek Man. I Love Toys. I Love Everything In Filmmaking, So For Me To Just Be Around This Technology Is Just So Cool To Watch It Being Used For The First Time, Some Of The Stuff.

It's A Good Thing I'm A Professional And Could See The Pure Genius Talent Behind The Raw Sexual Beauty.

When I Was Told They Wanted The Show To Be About Doctors, I Was A Bit Reluctant To Sign On, You Know? I Thought, Why Have A Show About Doctors When We Could Have A Show About The Real Heroes, You Know, Like Me?

My Job As An Actor Has Inspired Generations Of Children To Become Doctors. My Job As A Writer Has Opened Up The Minds Of Millions. My Job As A Director Has Produced Masterpieces That Will Be Taught In Film School For Ages.

It's A Give And Take Relationship With My Fans. They Give Me Love And Adoration, And I Take It From Them.

I'm Hanging Out With My New York Friends, My Jersey Boys, My Family And Loving Every Single Second Of It.

My Dog Has A Cough. If You've Never Seen A Dog With A Cough, I Recommend Trying To Find One. It's Hilarious.

Look On The Bright Side; That's One Bullet That's Not Going To Hit Me.

It's Really Hard To Find Parts That Challenge Me As An Actor These Days. At This Point In My Career, I Feel Like I Can Just Sleepwalk Through Most Of My Roles And Still Do A Better Job Than 90 Percent Of The Actors Out There.

I Like The Punch Beggers And Panhandlers When They Ask Me For Change. I Feel Like I Am Doing My Part To Clean Up The Streets.

Yea, I Had A Dream Too. Looks Like Mine Came True.

It Was Really Starting To Get Pathetic, Everyday They Would Come In Looking For One Thing Or Another. 'zach, Can You Give Me Some Acting Tips?' 'zach, Will You Let Me Blow You?' 'can I Have Some Cash?' That's When I Made The Call, That's When I Decided Seven Was Enough

People Are Always Saying Bad Things About Them, But Really They Think They're Just Trying To Clean Up Our Planet. I'm Not Saying It's Right But, You Know, We Could All Benefit From Following That Example.

Sure The Jews Killed Jesus, But The Guy Was An Awful Carpenter

Hitler Was About Population Control.

Population Control

People Still Make New Year's Resolutions? Wow. I Figured Those Were Pointless Once I Perfected Myself By Directing, Writing, And Acting In Garden State. I Guess It Makes Sense, Though. It Gives People A Chance To Hope That They Can Become As Great As Me Someday.

I'm Not Saying I Hate Jews, I'm Just Saying That I Think They Shouldn't Be Alive Any More.

It's Not That George Bush Doesn't Care About Black People, God Made Hurricanes, Not People Who Can't Swim.

I'm Not Lazy, I Drive Everywhere Myself, The Dog Could've Learned Something From Me.

Everyone Has An Idea That They Think Would Be A Great Movie. Everyone Has A Cousin Who They Think You Should Work With.

I Think There Are Bound To Be Obstacles In Any Path To Success. I Mean, I'm Jewish, And There's Nothing I Can Do About That. Instead Of Sitting Around And Feeling Sorry For Myself, I Got Over It And Did Something With My Life.

I Think In A Play It's Wise To Just Sit Back And Watch Other Actors And Be Able To Shape It From The Audience.

Sometimes You Just Gotta Use What God Gave You To The Best Of Your Abilities.

I Guess Sometimes God Just Needs To Laugh

It's A Really Fun Hobby To Set Imagery To Music, And Finding The Right Songs For That. Your Favorite Song In The World Might Not Work At All... For One Reason Or Another.

I Don't Care About Image And All That Nonsense. I'm In Sweat Pants Every Day. I Don't Play The Game At All.

When I First Moved To L.a., I Thought About Turning Gay. Then I Realized None Of The Guys I Was Interested In Was Good Enough For Me.

The Problem With Doing Commercials Is That The Only Thing Good Enough For Me To Sell Is Myself, And I Stopped Doing That Once I Kicked My Coke Habit.

You Want To Know The Secret Of My Success? Let Me Tell You About Eugenics.

My Mother's A Psychologist, My Stepfather's A Psychologist, My Stepmother Is A Therapist And My Dad's A Lawyer. So It Was All Prominent In My Life. I Don't Know Anyone Who Doesn't Know Someone On Some Form Of Prescription Medicine.

I've Always Wanted To Have Kids Of My Own, It's Just Tough Finding A Woman I Wouldn't Be Wasting My Dna On.

I Went To Film School And Wanted To Learn Everything There Was About Making Movies.

I Really Like Just Super Dry Comedy.

I've Never Had Much Sympathy For Orphans, I Mean, When I Was Their Age I Would Have Killed To Have No Parents To Make Me Clean My Room And Stuff

You Know, I Think There Should Be A Zach Braff Day. We Could Have It On December 25th And Then People Can Decide Whether They Want To Celebrate Me Or Jesus. If You Ask Me, The Choice Is Pretty Obvious.

I Don't Know Why People Were So Upset With Me. Prince Got His Own Symbol. I Just Wanted To Adopt The Handicap Symbol As My Own So I Could Park In Handicap Spots. Deformed People Should Be Honored To Park So Close To Me. Meeting A Celebrity Like Me May Give Them Hope In Their Mistake Of A Life.

I'm Pretty Sure Africa Was Made Up By The Media To Scare People. I Mean, I've Never Seen It. Have You? I Didn't Think So.

I Mean, Some People Accuse Me Of Being Racist. I'm Totally Not, I'm Just Better Than Everybody Else.

I Was Excited About The Dark Knight Until Heath Ledger Gave Away The Ending, Batman Always Wins.

Retarded Kids Are The Best. When They Ask For An Autograph I Just Fake Sign A Picture And Tell Them That It's In Invisible Ink And It Will Show Up Later. They Totally Buy It. It Saves Me A Fortune In Markers.

I Just Don't See How Anyone Can Hate America. I Mean, Crap, I Live There. What More Do You Need?

Probably The Most Memorable Even Of My Life Is When I Was Born. It Really Made Me Who I Am. If I Die, I Hope To Go Out The Same Way I Came In, But I Don't Think My Mother Would Be Into That.

Yeah, I Saw The Guy Running Out Of The Building Carrying A Rifle, I Just Didn't Say Anything To The Cops Because I Was So Happy That I Wasn't The One Who Got Shot.

I Believe The General Consensus Is The Bigger It Is, The More Women Flock To You. I Guess Its A Good Thing Mine Is Huge!

I Mean, So What If It's A Little Dangerous? A One-armed Kid Is Comedy Gold.

Most People Just Aren't Grateful For The Lives They Have, And It Really Saddens Me. For Instance, I Said 'hello' To A Man The Other Day, And He Didn't Even Recognize Me. It Just Really Saddens Me.

I Know The Bible Isn't Real Because It Never Once Mentions Me.

I Really Don't Know Why We Need A Whole Month Dedicated To Blacks. It's Not Like They're The Only Ones That Suffered. I Mean, What About Us Whites? We're The Ones That Have To Deal With These Monkeys Everyday, But You Don't See Us Demanding A Whole Month To Ourselves.

The Thing About Hitting Kids Is, Think About If You Were Doing The Same Thing To Another Adult. Hitting Your Kid Is Really The Same As Hitting Your Employee Or Wife, And The Issue Become Pretty Clear When You Think About It That Way.

I Think I Suffer From Some Mild Depression.

I Wouldn't Say I'm Bigger Than Jesus. If I Had To Guess, I'd Say Probably, Yeah, But As Far As I Know, The Bible Is Never Clear On This.

In New York, We Tip Everyone. We Tip Doormen, We Tip Cab Drivers, And We Tip Bartenders At The Bar. You'll Get Quite An Evil Eye If You Don't Leave A Tip At The Bar.

You Know I Was Just Taking A Dump One Day, And Then As I Sat There I Realized, I Really Do Deserve Better.

Some People Just Can't Handle That They Will Never Be A Better Actor Than Me

Ya Know, Hitler Was This Evil, Evil Man. But With The World Bank And Israel Manipulating America, He Might Have Been On To Something.

It Blows My Mind That There Are People Out There Who Deny The Holocaust. Why Would You Ever Deny Such A Great Achievement. It's Like Denying The Cure For Polio Or Something.

I Always Liked The Story Of Noah's Ark And The Idea Of Starting Anew By Rescuing The Things You Like And Leaving The Rest Behind.

I Lot Of People Remember When That Kid Spray-painted My Brand New Porsche For Punk'd. That Was Pretty Funny. He Got Me Pretty Good. Of Course, Most People Don't Know I Eventually Got Him Back With My Own Show. I Call It A Show, Really It's Just An Hour-long Video Shot In My Bedroom Featuring The Two Of Us.

In My Opinion, One Of The Biggest Drawbacks About Sergio Leone Films Are The Scores Composed By Ennio Morricone. If [leone] Were As Talented As I Am, He Would Have Made Mixtapes For His Movies Instead Of Letting Some Schmuck Write The Soundtracks For Him. But Then If He Were As Talented As I Am, He'd Be Zach Braff. And Have His Own Grammy.

I Procrastinate So Much And I Get Distracted By Anything.

Procrastinating

I Wouldn't Exactly Call It 'intelligent', But Somebody Has To Be Behind Designing The Human Form Other Than Just Biological Necessity. Why Else Would Women Have Arms? Or Feet? Or Mouths?

I Was Originally Casted To Be In The Superman Movie But I Read The Script And Realized That It Was Mysteriously Similar To My Screenplay For Zach Braff The Movie.

I Always Encourage Over-tipping If You Can Afford It Because Share The Wealth.

The Easiest Way To Lose Something Is To Want It Too Badly.

They Say The Number On Rule In Showbusiness Is Not To Work With Animals. I Guess I'm Above The Rules Because I Put Up With That For Seven Years.

One Of The Things About Scrubs Is That It's About Great Friendships And... As Broad And As Serious As We Get It's Always Really About Friendship. It's About Getting Through The Challenging Parts Of Your Life With The Help Of Your Friends.

My Tears Cure Cancer Too, It's Just That I Laugh At Cancer Patients.

I'm Not Actually An Arrogant Guy. It's Just That, Truthfully, Nobody Else Can Really Compare To Me.

I Think The [new England] Patriots' Season Should Have An Asterisk Next To It Because Everything They're Accomplishing Is Against Teams Coached By People Other Than Me.

I Never Go Looking For Child Pornography, But I Mean, If Somebody Sends Me An Email With Some Pictures, I'm Not Going To Turn Around And Report Them.

I Actually Did Ponder Doing The Brad Pitt/angelina Jolie Thing And Get A Kid From Ethiopia. But You Know, I Already Have An Ashtray.

I Don't Think It's That Bad, I Mean, I Love People Following Me Around And Helping Me Do Stuff.

I'm Not An Hour Late. You Guys Were Just An Hour Early.

I'm A Big Proponent Of 'don't Ask, Don't Tell,' In Fact, I Enforce It Strictly On All Of My Dates. First, I Don't Ask Them For Sex, And Then I Warn Them Not To Tell Anyone After I'm Through.

Bigger Than The Beatles? Well, How Many Grammys Did They Win? Exactly, None, Yet I Have One, And I've Never Even Released A Cd.

Complete Garbage. It's Like Garden State, But In Outer Space.

I'd Really Like To Give Back To The World, But Everything I've Achieved, I've Earned On My Own, So What's The Point?

I Love Signing Autographs! Sometimes, When People Ask Me For One, I Keep The Photo For Myself And Frame It. It's A Win-win Situation Really; I Get An Extra 25 Dollars In My Pocket And Another Portrait For My Bedroom.

The Best Way To Travel Abroad Is To Live With The Locals.

People Ask Me, 'did The Fame Come Too Fast? Do You Ever Wish For Your Old Life?' I Always Tell Them That There's Nothing On Earth Better Than Being Famous.

You Know How They Do That Effect In Movies, Where They Make It Look Like You Have A Twin, But It's Really Just The Same Actor Playing Both Characters In The Scene? I Knew This Would Be The Best Route, But I Just Wasn't Comfortable Dressing As A Woman, So I Had To Hire Other Actors.

In A Perfect World, Everybody Would Be Gay. I Mean If Everybody Looked Like Zach Braff, You Just Wouldn't Be Able To Resist.

It's Not Terrible, I Guess, But If Ricky Gervais Was Half As Talented As Me, Maybe The Show Would Actually Be Funny Once In A While.

I Mean, I Understand That Because They're Disadvantaged That They Deserve Their Own Parking Spots, But Do They Have To Make Them So Wide? I Never Understood How These People Were Allowed To Drive Cars But They Get These Really Neat Chairs With Wheels And They're Still Not Happy, So Instead Of Parking Their Wheelchairs In The Designated Spots, They Upstage Us Normal People And Get The Best Parking Spots With Vehicles That Are Clearly Too Sophisticated For Them To Be Handling. Still, You Should Smile At A Cripple, Because It's The Only Bit Of Happiness They'll Ever Have.

I Never Looked At Bread The Same Way Again

Once Both Gay Marriage And Marijuana Are Finally Legal, Those Of You Against Them Are Not Invited To The Really Fun Parties I'm Gonna Throw.

You Don't Need An Alarm Clock When You Sleep With 20 Models A Night, One Of Those Broads'll Figure Out That They Better Make Breakfast In Bed Or I'll Kill All Of Them.

When You Win Your First Grammy, It's True, You Really Want To Thank All The Little People.

Every Single Person Wants To Do It, Don't Hate Me Because I Had The Guts To Follow My Heart!

That Cyclone In Burma? That Was Just Me Doing The Dance To That Annoying Ass Song.

I'm A Busy Guy; I Just Get A Lot Of People That Sound Like Me To Go Out And Visit Them. They Don't Know The Difference And, Let's Face It, They Aren't Going To Be Paying To See My Movies Anytime Soon.

Don't Get Me Started On Cold Toilet Seats.

Oh I Love Children, But I Could Never Eat A Whole One.

I Blame Walt Disney; Well He Has To Find Voice Actors Better Than Me Somehow Doesn't He?

Every Time I See A Child Walking Down The Street I Like To Trip Them. While They Look For Their Missing Teeth, I Personally Remind Them That No Matter How Hard They Try I Will Always Be Better Than Them.

I Stand Stark Naked In Front Of The Mirror And Gaze Directly Into My Own Eyes. I Utter 'good Morning, Handsome' And My Lips Quiver As I Stare At Myown Body. I Don't Break Eye Contact Until I Blow My Load. Not Once Do I Actually Touch Myself.

Sometimes I Regret Not Being Catholic. I Think I'd Make A Pretty Good Saint.

It's All About Being A Part Of Something In The Community, Socializing With People Who Share Interests And Coming Together To Help Improve The World We Live In.

I Don't Belive Oprah's Sexual Abuse Stories, I Mean Who Would Take A Black Girl When There Are Plenty Of White?

I Want To Take Piano Lessons, I Want To Study At University, I Want To Travel, I Want To Do Other Parts, Make Another Movie.

Over Half A Century On And They're Still Complaining About It. Compare It To The Fact That Garden State Didn't Win An Oscar And They Seem A Little Petty If You Ask Me. I Guess That Just Goes To Show What Kind Of People They Really Are.

Compared To My Talents, Whoopi Goldberg Is Like One Of Those Fake Plastic Buddhas You Get At Dollar Stores. I Mean Really, I Fail To See The Humor In An Overweight Negro Woman With Dreadlocks, No Eyebrows, And Is Named After A Childish Term For Flatulence.

To Say I Live A Cursed Life Is An Understatement. I Have To Get Up Every Day And Work With People Who Are Not As Successful As Me Nor Will They Ever Be As Successful As Me. Nobody Knows The Struggles I Go Through.

If John Mccain Were Really A War Hero He Would've Won Vietnam.

I'm Not Saying Eating Babies Should Be Legal, But When They're So Delicious, What's The Harm In It? I Don't Know What Tastes Better, Their Innocence Or Their Gooey Rib Butter.

Women Have The Right To Choose What Do With Their Own Bodies. They Can Take It In The Cooch Or In The Pooper. But That's Where Their Right To Choose Stops, In My Opinion.

People Always Tell Me I Should Run For President, But I Don't Think They'd Give Me Enough Time Off To Make My Films.

I Tried It A Few Times But Didn't See The Point. I'm Zach Braff. What The Fudge Do I Need A Team For Besides Holding Me Back And Sucking? If I Wanted That, I'd Just Walk On The Set Of 'scrubs'.

I Really Do Take More Vacations Than The President. You Can Quote Me On That.

I'm Sick Of People Saying I Hate Blacks, Women, And Gays. It's False And Slanderous. Everyone Who Knows Me Knows I Hate The Chinese.

If It Were Up To Me, It'd Be Outlawed. I Mean, Come On. Zach Braff Was Born Streamlined, And That's How It Should Stay!

Yeah I Saw An Inconvenient Truth, And I Dont Want To Say It Was Preachy But Let's Not Kid Ourselves, I've Got Far More Important Work To Do

Michael Eisner Contacted Me Once And Asked Me If He Could Change The Name Of Disneyland To 'braffland.' I Said No, Because Whenever I Go To Disneyland There's Always Fat People Everywhere Wearing Tight Clothes. Disneyland, Frankly, Has A Lot Of Improving To Do Before It Gets My Namesake.

People Are Always Going To Find Fault With Anything You Do, Any Process That You're A Part Of. The Creative Process Means Taking Risks, I've Taken Risks And I've Made Mistakes, But The Bottom Line Is, Could Anyone Else Have Done Any Better ? I Have To Believe That What I Created Was Worthwhile.

That Hugh Laurie Show Is Nothing But Scrubs Fan Fiction.

Ever Since I Was Little It Was Programmed Into Me That London Is Where Great Theatre Occurs And All The Big Shows You Love Start There.

Yeah, The Gay Pride Movement Is Precious And All, But I Think It's About Time We Asked Ourselves What Gay People Really Have To Offer To Society.

It Turns Out Superman Is Weak To Kryptonite And Horses.

I've Always Tried To Learn From The Greats: Orson Welles, Humphrey Bogart, Ghandi, Buddha, Jesus... It's Just That There's This Tremendous Pressure To Correct All The Things They Got Wrong.

I Never Go Easy On Kids When I Play Board Games. The Sooner They Learn What The Consequence Of Entering A Competition Is, The Better. If They Win, I Punch Them In The Face Like Any Adult.

I Like To Drop In On People Who Picked On Me In High School Or Whatever, Just Out Of The Blue, And Chat With Them To See How They Think Of Me Now That I'm A Big Star. Usually They're A Lot Nicer. After About Half An Hour, I Excuse Myself To Go To The Bathroom, And Leave A Few Dvds Or Pictures There. Then When I Come Out, I Say Good-bye And Leave. Then I Call The Cops.

I'd Like To Think That My Scripts Are More Significant Than Maybe The Bible Or The Book That The Jews Use, Whatever It's Called. And That's Only When I'm Having An Off Day.

I'm Sure Lots Of Actors And Creative People Go Through This, Where You Have Some Weeks Where It's All Going According To Plan And Some Weeks Where You're Super Frustrated.

I'm Grown Ass Man And Grown Ass Men Can Do Whatever They Want, Got It?

If You're Dumb Enough To Volunteer For The Army, I Don't See Why We're Supposed To Feel So Bad When You Get Shot. I'm Not Saying We Should Throw A Party Or Anything, But Is It Such A Tragedy? If I'd Gotten Shot Before I Made 'garden State', Yeah, That's A Tragedy, But Some Red-state Hick Getting His Legs Blown Off? Come On.

If A Benevolent God Exists, So Does Reincarnation. He Wouldn't Send Me Here Just Once.

I Love The Holiday Season, Almost As Much As I Love Touching Myself In Front Of Orphans.

I'm Kind Of Jealous Of The Life I'm Supposedly Leading.

Women Are Like Parking Spots, The Best Ones Are Handicapped.

The Biggest Problem I Had With Starring In Scrubs Were The Black Doctors. I Just Had To Keep Telling Myself This Show Was Satire.

I'm 26 Years Old, And I've Spent My Whole Life Waiting For Something Else To Start. Now I Realize That This Is All There Is, And I'm Going To Try To Live My Life Like That.

Everyone Has A Warped Vision Of Hollywood And What Success In Hollywood Is Like.

I Mean, Personally, I Would Have Had No Problem Surviving. Come On, How Hard Is It To Swim?

I Once Fisted Two Babies And Then Used The Corpses As Boxing Gloves To Fight Off The Grieving Parents.

People Have Called Me Fake, But Personally, I Don't Think I'm Fake Because I'm So Insincere.

A Kid Came Up To Me The Other Day And Said, 'hey, You're The Guy On Scrubs!' Kid, I Am Scrubs, And Don't You Forget It.

I've Turned Down A Lot Of Proposed Scripts For Scrubs Episodes, Mainly Ones With Aids Patients. It Sickens Me, Really. If You Don't Want Aids, Don't Be A Ice Cream Man. Or African. I'm Neither And I'm Fine.

If We've Learned Anything, It's That The Combination Of Yellow Smiley Faces And Blue Polyester Vests Are Irresistible To The Inbred.

Some People Just Don't Want To Put In The Effort. I Just Show Up And Say Some Lines And I'm Famous. Anyone Living Below The Poverty Line Just Needs To Shape Up Or Be Shipped Out, You Know?

First I Took A Crap On The Hooker's Chest, Then I Told Her I'd Pay Her A Thousand Dollars To Eat It. She Was Addicted To Crack, So Of Course She Did It. It Was So Gross, Though, It Made Her Throw Up, So I Said I'd Pay Her Another Thousand To Lick All That Up, Too. She Started To, But For Some Reason She Started Crying As She Was Doing It, Saying, 'i Went To College! I Have A Degree!' Oh Man, It Was Hilarious. I Don't Know If It Was Technically Sex Because I Just Beat Off On Her Face, But Definitely One Of My Most Intense Orgasms.

I Always Wanted To Direct Movies. That's What I Set Out To Do. When I Was A Little Kid I Just Dreamed Of Making Movies, And I Went To Film School [at Northwestern University].

Well I Can Understand Why Men Want It To Be Legal. Obviously They're All Hoping They Might Get To Marry Me Someday. I Hate To Burst Their Bubble, But They Should Just Give It Up Now. Zach Braff Doesn't Sway That Way, You Know?

I Definitely Try To Play A Common Man In My Roles So People Can Identify With My Characters, But The Truth Of The Matter Is That It Doesn't Really Matter What I Do Or My Lines Are, I'm Still Zach Braff, And People Know I'm Better Than Them.

People Always Say The God Father Is The #1 Movie Of All Time. But Ask Yourself, Did You See Zach Braff In It....no You Didn't. So Then By Default It Goes To Garden State..and If Youwatch Two Episodes Of Scrubs Back To Back That Counts As The #2.

I Love 'scrubs.' It's The Best Day Job In The World.

I Was Kosher Until I Had My Bar Mitzvah, And I Parlayed Officially Becoming A Man Into Telling My Father I Wanted To Eat Cheeseburgers.

They Say That Guys Who Like Chick Flicks Tend To Do A Little Better With The Ladies. Well, I Invented The Chick Flick, So You Can Pretty Much Guess Where That Leaves Me.

It Raises Several Serious Questions. For Example, How Can There Possibly Be More Than One Person As Awesome As Me?

Am I Really Gonna Deny Someone The Opportunity Of A Lifetime Just Because They Met Me 5 Easters Early?

Don't Get Me Wrong, I Love The Idea Of Killing Unwanted Babies, It's Just That The Idea Of Letting Women Make A Decision Doesn't Sit Well With Me.

Now, I'm Not Going To Be Misquoted On This Like I Have Numerous Times Before, So I'll Be Quite Clear. I've Never Said Hitler Was My Hero, Just That If He Had Focused On More Than One Race He Would Have Had The Right Idea. Try To Turn That One Against Me.

I Was Stuck In Traffic One Day And Just Kinda Thought It Would Be Funny To Masturbate. It Was Sunny And Clear Out, So I Was Worried One Of The Other Drivers Would See Me, But My Jeep Is Pretty High Off The Ground, So I Think No One Noticed. I Busted A Nut And Aimed It Down, Ruining My Tweety Bird Floor Mat. I Felt Kinda Stupid After And My Mom Kept Silent The Rest Of The Drive Home. It Was Awkward And I Regret It.

Well It's Not That I Hate Them, But Honestly If I Saw Two Homeless People Begging For Money, One White And One Black, And I Only Had One Quarter... Well I'd Probably Keep It Actually.

I'm By No Means Condemning Prescription Medicine For Mental Health. I've Seen It Save A Lot Of People's Lives.

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