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I've Turned Down A Lot Of Proposed Scripts For Scrubs Episodes, Mainly Ones With Aids Patients. It Sickens Me, Really. If You Don't Want Aids, Don't Be A Ice Cream Man. Or African. I'm Neither And I'm Fine.

-Zach Braff

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I've Turned Down A

Zach Braff

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I've Turned Down A Lot Of Proposed Scripts For Scrubs Episodes, Mainly Ones With Aids Patients. It Sickens Me, Really. If You Don't Want Aids, Don't Be A Ice Cream Man. Or African. I'm Neither And I'm Fine.

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You Know How They Do That Effect In Movies, Where They Make It Look Like You Have A Twin, But It's Really Just The Same Actor Playing Both Characters In The Scene? I Knew This Would Be The Best Route, But I Just Wasn't Comfortable Dressing As A Woman, So I Had To Hire Other Actors.

Whenever I'm Feeling A Bit Down, I Always Visit The Local Children's Hospital. Knowing That Those Cancer-kids Wont Be Able To Live Long Enough To Surpass Me In Fame Just Warms My Heart, You Know?

It Depresses Me When People Expect Me To Be Like The Characters I Play On Film. I'm Not Some Whiny Loser Punk, I'm A Man's Man.

I'm Not The Kind Of Person Who Digs Through Things Other People Have Thrown Away.

They Don't Know I'm Staring, What Does It Matter If I Keep On Doing It?

I Like To Think Of Myself As The Chris Benoit Of The Movie Industry, Capable Of Taking Any Picture And Carrying It To Box-office Success. Take Garden State, Without Me That Would Have Just Been Two Hours Of Portman Doging.

I'm Sick Of People Saying I Hate Blacks, Women, And Gays. It's False And Slanderous. Everyone Who Knows Me Knows I Hate The Chinese.

Its Not That I'm In Love With Myself, I'm Just Trying To Pick Up Everyone Else's Slack.

I Mean, Some People Accuse Me Of Being Racist. I'm Totally Not, I'm Just Better Than Everybody Else.

So, Yeah, I Mean, There Is Something Universal About That Feeling - That 20-something, What The Hell Am I Going To Do With My Life, I'm Lost And My Parents Are Freaking Me Out, And What's The Point? Every Generation Has A Way Of Making That Unique, But There Are Certain Universals Of That Feeling.

That Hugh Laurie Show Is Nothing But Scrubs Fan Fiction.

I Mean, Personally, I Would Have Had No Problem Surviving. Come On, How Hard Is It To Swim?

I Had No Interest In Sports So I Didn't Make Friends In That Traditional Way Where Kids Are In Public School And They Go And They Join Clubs, And Play Sports. So I Kind Of Had To Find My Own Way To Make Friends And Get Attention And So I Just Was The Class Clown.

The Only Real Difference Between Hookers, Stippers, Sluts And Regualar Women How Many Times You Can Hit Them Before They Cry. Hookers Can Really Take A Punch, I'll Tell You That Much.

Seriously, When's The Last Time You Saw Me Wear Shorts?

It Blows My Mind That There Are People Out There Who Deny The Holocaust. Why Would You Ever Deny Such A Great Achievement. It's Like Denying The Cure For Polio Or Something.

People Compared Garden State To The Graduate, But When Was The Last Time You Saw Dustin Hoffman Doing What I Do?

I Lot Of People Remember When That Kid Spray-painted My Brand New Porsche For Punk'd. That Was Pretty Funny. He Got Me Pretty Good. Of Course, Most People Don't Know I Eventually Got Him Back With My Own Show. I Call It A Show, Really It's Just An Hour-long Video Shot In My Bedroom Featuring The Two Of Us.

I Know That [mike] Tyson Talked About Wanting To Eat His Opponent's Children, But I Don't Think He Ever Had The Balls To Do It. I'm Different - When I Kidnapped Bill Lawrence's Daughter, I Cut Off All Of Her Fingers Before Sending My Demands So That I Wouldn't Have To Sit There And Wait For Him To Ignore Them. We Worked Things About About Nine Hours In, Which Is Good Because I Ate Her Thumb As A Midnight Snack.

Sure, It Was Terrible And All, But You Have To Ask Yourself: If The Whole City Was Flooded, Why Couldn't They Just Swim To Safety?

Some People Just Don't Want To Put In The Effort. I Just Show Up And Say Some Lines And I'm Famous. Anyone Living Below The Poverty Line Just Needs To Shape Up Or Be Shipped Out, You Know?

I Think The [new England] Patriots' Season Should Have An Asterisk Next To It Because Everything They're Accomplishing Is Against Teams Coached By People Other Than Me.

It Raises Several Serious Questions. For Example, How Can There Possibly Be More Than One Person As Awesome As Me?

I Remember Once I Went To Go See A Movie, And In Front Of Me In Line There Was A Little Boy Who Looked So Eager To See It, Like It Was Christmas Morning. When He Got To The Ticket Booth It Turned Out There Was Only One Ticket Left; The Manager Was There And Wanted To Give It To Me Instead Since I Was Famous. That's When I Knew I'd Hit It Big.

You Always See Actors Complaining About Being Typecast And Ruining Their Career. Really, I Don't See The Point In Complaining. If The Only Role You Can Play Well Is A Black Dude, You're Never Going To Get Ahead In This Town, And You Should Just Accept It.

I Wouldn't Say I'm Bigger Than Jesus. If I Had To Guess, I'd Say Probably, Yeah, But As Far As I Know, The Bible Is Never Clear On This.

It Really Is Fascinating Stuff, And I've Picked It Up On Scrubs. Memorizing Lines Is At Least As Hard As Studying A Text Book, I Mean, By This Point I Know About As Much As Most 'real' Doctors.

I Want To Take Piano Lessons, I Want To Study At University, I Want To Travel, I Want To Do Other Parts, Make Another Movie.

I Can't Watch The News Anymore. They Have Their Priorities All Out Of Whack. All I See Is Natalee Holloway And Britney Spears And The War In Iraq. Where's The Substantive News? Where's The Zach Braff Coverage?

I Feel Really Bad For Everyone Who Died On 9/11. Not Just The People In The World Trade Center, Pentagon, Or Flight 93, But All Of The Terrorists, Too. 'garden State' Came Out In 2004. That Means None Of Them Got A Chance To See It. Let That Sink In For A Second. No Wonder They're Building A Memorial.

I Mean, I Know Thousands Of People Died And Everything, But If It Happened Today, There's Just No Excuse. They'd Be Much Safer Inside A Movie Theater Watching One Of My Movies Instead Of Burning Alive In A Collapsing Skyscraper.

It's Funny When I Read The Tabloids And They're Reporting On Only A Fraction Of The Life I'm Leading.

Being Around Blind People Is Always A Little Frustrating To Me Because I Know They Have No Idea How Handsome I Am.

I Don't Think Restaurants Should Refuse To Serve Minority People. They Are Quite Tasty When Prepared Correctly.

When You Win Your First Grammy, It's True, You Really Want To Thank All The Little People.

Everyone Has An Idea That They Think Would Be A Great Movie. Everyone Has A Cousin Who They Think You Should Work With.

I Believe The General Consensus Is The Bigger It Is, The More Women Flock To You. I Guess Its A Good Thing Mine Is Huge!

I Could See Why Someone Would Want To Make A Website About Me, And My Quotes. They Are All Gold. How Many People Have Written, Directed And Starred In Their Own Movies. I Just Don't Know Why They Would Want To Put Words Into My Mouth, I Mean I Did Write, Direct And Star In A Critically Acclaimed Movie.

I Mean, Nobody's Ever Thrown A Big Rock At Me Or My Friends, But We're All Pretty Tough Guys And Could Probably Handle It.

If It Were Up To Me, It'd Be Outlawed. I Mean, Come On. Zach Braff Was Born Streamlined, And That's How It Should Stay!

I Think I Suffer From Some Mild Depression.

It's All About Being A Part Of Something In The Community, Socializing With People Who Share Interests And Coming Together To Help Improve The World We Live In.

I've Always Tried To Learn From The Greats: Orson Welles, Humphrey Bogart, Ghandi, Buddha, Jesus... It's Just That There's This Tremendous Pressure To Correct All The Things They Got Wrong.

I'd Really Like To Give Back To The World, But Everything I've Achieved, I've Earned On My Own, So What's The Point?

They Say The Number On Rule In Showbusiness Is Not To Work With Animals. I Guess I'm Above The Rules Because I Put Up With That For Seven Years.

I Just Don't See How Anyone Can Hate America. I Mean, Crap, I Live There. What More Do You Need?

Is 'garden State' The Next 'citizen Kane'? Of Course Not. I'd Like To Think We Aimed A Little Higher Than That, Frankly.

That Cyclone In Burma? That Was Just Me Doing The Dance To That Annoying Ass Song.

Once Both Gay Marriage And Marijuana Are Finally Legal, Those Of You Against Them Are Not Invited To The Really Fun Parties I'm Gonna Throw.

Sometimes I Regret Not Being Catholic. I Think I'd Make A Pretty Good Saint.

Without Me, Scrubs Would Be Worse Than The Holocaust. But With Me In It, It's Turned Into The Lolocaust.

I Certainly Do Not Consider Myself The Next Jesus. I'd Say He Was More Of A Precursor To Zach Braff.

Yeah, I Saw The Guy Running Out Of The Building Carrying A Rifle, I Just Didn't Say Anything To The Cops Because I Was So Happy That I Wasn't The One Who Got Shot.

I Went To Film School And Wanted To Learn Everything There Was About Making Movies.

I Was Kosher Until I Had My Bar Mitzvah, And I Parlayed Officially Becoming A Man Into Telling My Father I Wanted To Eat Cheeseburgers.

I Think Slavery Was An Awful, Awful Period In Our History, But When I Look At What's Become Of Black Culture Since Emancipation, I Think You Have To Admit, Maybe The Confederacy Was On To Something

I'm Not Actually An Arrogant Guy. It's Just That, Truthfully, Nobody Else Can Really Compare To Me.

Am I Really Gonna Deny Someone The Opportunity Of A Lifetime Just Because They Met Me 5 Easters Early?

I Really Don't Give A Care, I'm Going To Live For Ever

One Time I Considered Making A Video Game About My Life Where People Control A Character Called 'zach Braff' And Run Around Being Awesome. Then I Realized That Getting To Pretend To Be Me Would Be Like Shooting Up Heroin For Anyone Who Played It, And I Don't Want That On My Conscience.

I Know I Probably Should Be Sad About My Mother's Cancer... But She Still Hasn't Seen The Last Kiss, You Know?

Yeah, I've Banged Some Female Costars. I Swore I'd Never Tell Their Names, So Instead I'll Present Some Anagrams: Sahar Clahke And Haether Gharam.

I Was Mad When I Heard The Amazing Race Wasn't About White People.

I Really Couldn't Say How Famous I Really Am, That's For The History Books To Decide. But I'll Probably Be Pretty Up There.

I Think The Saddest Moments In Life Have Humor In Them. I Have A Memory Of Coming Home From A Funeral With My Family In The Back Of A Limousine And Someone Cracking A Joke And Us Just Hysterically Belly Laughing. It's How We Always Dealt With Tragedy In Our Lives And I Think It's Such A Healthy Way To Deal With Sadness.

Oh Sure, I Have A Few Black People In My Family Tree. They're Probably Still Hanging There.

I Said, I'm On This Tv Show And I Love Doing It, But I Don't Want To Be Known Always As The Silly "scrubs" Guy... So Part Of Me Was Like, You Know What? Life's Short. Let's Go For It.

I'm Not Saying I Hate Jews, I'm Just Saying That I Think They Shouldn't Be Alive Any More.

Didn't We Learn Our Lesson From Planet Of The Apes?

If Nothing Else, I'm Making A Movie That I'll Enjoy.

In New York, We Tip Everyone. We Tip Doormen, We Tip Cab Drivers, And We Tip Bartenders At The Bar. You'll Get Quite An Evil Eye If You Don't Leave A Tip At The Bar.

I'm By No Means Condemning Prescription Medicine For Mental Health. I've Seen It Save A Lot Of People's Lives.

Yeah, The Gay Pride Movement Is Precious And All, But I Think It's About Time We Asked Ourselves What Gay People Really Have To Offer To Society.

I Really Do Take More Vacations Than The President. You Can Quote Me On That.

I Always Encourage Over-tipping If You Can Afford It Because Share The Wealth.

I Don't Want To Blame It All On 9/11, But It Certainly Didn't Help Matters.

When I Let Some Girl Take Me In Her Mouth I Think This Is What Jesus Must Feel Like During Communion.

I Know Every Politician Spins The Truth A Little.

I Think A Big Part Of Being A Success Is Confidence. Just Look At Me, I Know I'm Successful, And I Am.

The Way I Write Is That I'll Actually Have A Conversation Out Loud With Myself. In A Weird Way, I Just Kind Of Get Schizophrenic And Play Two Characters.

I Didn't Necessarily Have A Total Idea When I Was Writing The Movie Of Where Everything Was Going. I Just Wanted To Have Really Realistic Dialogue And Write Like People I Knew Talked. I Tried To Keep It Very Real.

My Job As An Actor Has Inspired Generations Of Children To Become Doctors. My Job As A Writer Has Opened Up The Minds Of Millions. My Job As A Director Has Produced Masterpieces That Will Be Taught In Film School For Ages.

Retarded Kids Are The Best. When They Ask For An Autograph I Just Fake Sign A Picture And Tell Them That It's In Invisible Ink And It Will Show Up Later. They Totally Buy It. It Saves Me A Fortune In Markers.

Lots Of People Were Giving Me Flak When I Made The Deal To Do The Very Last Season Of Scrubs For $350,000 An Episode. When Really I'm The One That's Being Cheated, Because The Writer's Strike Is Keeping Me From All The Money That I Could Be Making. I Need To Eat, Too.

The Thing About Hitting Kids Is, Think About If You Were Doing The Same Thing To Another Adult. Hitting Your Kid Is Really The Same As Hitting Your Employee Or Wife, And The Issue Become Pretty Clear When You Think About It That Way.

Now That 'scrubs' Is Over, People Seem To Feel More Comfortable Telling Me That I Was A Total Douche To Them For The Past 8 Years. And The Whole Time I'm Thinking, 'who Are You?'

My Mother's A Psychologist, My Stepfather's A Psychologist, My Stepmother Is A Therapist And My Dad's A Lawyer. So It Was All Prominent In My Life. I Don't Know Anyone Who Doesn't Know Someone On Some Form Of Prescription Medicine.

Incognito Mode? What Do They Have To Hide? Zach Braff Doesn't Have Anything To Hide - Zach Braff Lays It All Out There For Everybody To See. That Is Zach Braff's Secret To Zach Braff's Success.

Turning Water To Wine? I Mean C'mon, That's Stupid. They Should Have Let Me Write The Bible.

When I Was Little I Always Wanted To Drive A Train. That, And Become A Baker.

I Like The Punch Beggers And Panhandlers When They Ask Me For Change. I Feel Like I Am Doing My Part To Clean Up The Streets.

So For Front-runners We Have A Black And A Woman. It's Like Being Made To Choose Between Syphilis Or Having And Old Man Crap On Your Face. I Would Do The Country A Favor And Run Myself But I Couldn't Deprive Hollywood Of Me For 4 Years.

Maybe That's All That Family Really Is, A Group Of People Who All Miss The Same Imaginary Place.

It's Hard For Me Not To Be Extraordinarily Cute. I Had To Fight It.

A Child's Death Is Really Of Less Value Than An Adult's. I Mean, What Could You Really Accomplish In A Year? Not Much, And That's Not Even Talking About, You Know, Pay-wise.

I Tried It A Few Times But Didn't See The Point. I'm Zach Braff. What The Fudge Do I Need A Team For Besides Holding Me Back And Sucking? If I Wanted That, I'd Just Walk On The Set Of 'scrubs'.

It Used To Be That You Came Out Of School, And You Got Married - Those Who Were Going To Get Married. But My Peers Are Getting Married In Their Early 30s, So Now There's Like This Extra 10 Years Of That Angst.

I Wouldn't Exactly Call It 'intelligent', But Somebody Has To Be Behind Designing The Human Form Other Than Just Biological Necessity. Why Else Would Women Have Arms? Or Feet? Or Mouths?

They Say That Guys Who Like Chick Flicks Tend To Do A Little Better With The Ladies. Well, I Invented The Chick Flick, So You Can Pretty Much Guess Where That Leaves Me.

I'm A Busy Guy; I Just Get A Lot Of People That Sound Like Me To Go Out And Visit Them. They Don't Know The Difference And, Let's Face It, They Aren't Going To Be Paying To See My Movies Anytime Soon.

You Know, I've Occasionally Tried To Watch Other Shows Besides Scrubs, But Comparing Them Is A Bit Like Me Competing In The Special Olympics. Obviously I Would Win Without Contest, But The Point Is That They Are Trying Their Best.

I Don't Think It's That Bad, I Mean, I Love People Following Me Around And Helping Me Do Stuff.

If We've Learned Anything, It's That The Combination Of Yellow Smiley Faces And Blue Polyester Vests Are Irresistible To The Inbred.

I'm Hanging Out With My New York Friends, My Jersey Boys, My Family And Loving Every Single Second Of It.

I Was Originally Casted To Be In The Superman Movie But I Read The Script And Realized That It Was Mysteriously Similar To My Screenplay For Zach Braff The Movie.

Im Just Not Really Attracted To Black Chicks.

The Easiest Way To Lose Something Is To Want It Too Badly.

I Can't Say I Agree With Something That Takes The Focus Away From Me.

I Think They're Bogus, Honestly. How Utter Garbage Like Crash And Million Dollar Baby Can Win Best Picture, Where True Works Of Art Such As Garden State Go Untouched Is Beyond Me. It Just Proves How Close-minded America Really Is, And I Refuse To Take Part In It.

Of Course Killing People Is 'wrong', But I Think History Shows That Sometimes It Serves The Greater Good.

I Mean, What's Eleven Million People Now Days?

I Think Sports Are Very Beneficial In The Fight Against Obesity. I Remember Playing Little League - I Was The Best Person On The Pitch By A Long Shot. It Was Only Last Weekend Actually, I Think I Have Some Photos Of It If You're Interested.

Oh I Love Children, But I Could Never Eat A Whole One.

Hitler Had The Right Idea. He Was Just An Underachiever.

The Greatest Charity You Can Contribute To Is Yourself. Instead Of Spending A Dollar To Help Feed Hungry Children, Why Not Spend That Dollar On Hair Gel So You Can Get The Perfect Cowlick?

It's A Really Fun Hobby To Set Imagery To Music, And Finding The Right Songs For That. Your Favorite Song In The World Might Not Work At All... For One Reason Or Another.

It's Just Gods Way Of Getting Babies To Heaven Faster!

I Always Wanted To Direct Movies. That's What I Set Out To Do. When I Was A Little Kid I Just Dreamed Of Making Movies, And I Went To Film School [at Northwestern University].

I Donno, It's Not Impressive. Once I Put Ear Plugs In And Put A Blind Fold On For Like 14 Minutes And I Did Just Fine.

I'm 26 Years Old, And I've Spent My Whole Life Waiting For Something Else To Start. Now I Realize That This Is All There Is, And I'm Going To Try To Live My Life Like That.

I Think We Have To Acknowledge That People Are Different And Succeed At Different Things, First Of All. Men Are Better Than Women At Some Professions Like Firefighting, Construction Work, And Physics. But Women Are Better Than Men At Some Professions, Too, Like Elementary Teaching, Prostitution, And Giving Birth. Who's To Say Which Is More Important?

I Definitely Try To Play A Common Man In My Roles So People Can Identify With My Characters, But The Truth Of The Matter Is That It Doesn't Really Matter What I Do Or My Lines Are, I'm Still Zach Braff, And People Know I'm Better Than Them.

It Was Really Starting To Get Pathetic, Everyday They Would Come In Looking For One Thing Or Another. 'zach, Can You Give Me Some Acting Tips?' 'zach, Will You Let Me Blow You?' 'can I Have Some Cash?' That's When I Made The Call, That's When I Decided Seven Was Enough

When I First Moved To L.a., I Thought About Turning Gay. Then I Realized None Of The Guys I Was Interested In Was Good Enough For Me.

My Co-stars Aren't Bad Actors, But They're No Zach Braff.

I Have A Great Relationship With My Parents. I Have Not Been On Lithium.

Great Relationship

I'm A Big Proponent Of 'don't Ask, Don't Tell,' In Fact, I Enforce It Strictly On All Of My Dates. First, I Don't Ask Them For Sex, And Then I Warn Them Not To Tell Anyone After I'm Through.

My Dog Has A Cough. If You've Never Seen A Dog With A Cough, I Recommend Trying To Find One. It's Hilarious.

It's Not That I Think The Nazis Were Right, Or Anything. It's Just That, We Weren't There, We Don't Know.

People Still Make New Year's Resolutions? Wow. I Figured Those Were Pointless Once I Perfected Myself By Directing, Writing, And Acting In Garden State. I Guess It Makes Sense, Though. It Gives People A Chance To Hope That They Can Become As Great As Me Someday.

If I Wasn't An Actor? Hmm, I'd Probably Be A Serial Killer. I'm Just So Damn Likeable, No One Would Ever Suspect Me.

Women Have The Right To Choose What Do With Their Own Bodies. They Can Take It In The Cooch Or In The Pooper. But That's Where Their Right To Choose Stops, In My Opinion.

Every Single Person Wants To Do It, Don't Hate Me Because I Had The Guts To Follow My Heart!

Women Are Like Parking Spots, The Best Ones Are Handicapped.

Best Movie Ever?! Come On, My Appearance On Arrested Development Had More Dynamics, Realism And Feel To It Than The Whole Trilogy Combined.

I'm Always Being Told By Directors That I Add Chemistry To Scenes, So I Mean How Difficult Could It Be?

Look On The Bright Side; That's One Bullet That's Not Going To Hit Me.

She Can't Say No If She's Unconscious.

I Procrastinate So Much And I Get Distracted By Anything.

Procrastinating

Hitler Was About Population Control.

Population Control

I Was Inspired By World Vision. It's Almost Like I Sponsored (donald) Faison And Gave Him An Opportunity To Do Something With His Life. What More Would He Want Than To Work With Me?

If Global Warming Is Such A Bad Thing, Then Why Is It Taking Out All Of Mankind's Competitors? It Just Seems To Me That The Less Species Are Out There, Killing All Our Caribou, The Better.

It's Not That George Bush Doesn't Care About Black People, God Made Hurricanes, Not People Who Can't Swim.

The Problem With Doing Commercials Is That The Only Thing Good Enough For Me To Sell Is Myself, And I Stopped Doing That Once I Kicked My Coke Habit.

The Best Way To Travel Abroad Is To Live With The Locals.

Eight Gold Medals? If I Wanted I Could Make A Movie About Me Winning Nine Gold Medals. Now That's Real Power.

I Stand Stark Naked In Front Of The Mirror And Gaze Directly Into My Own Eyes. I Utter 'good Morning, Handsome' And My Lips Quiver As I Stare At Myown Body. I Don't Break Eye Contact Until I Blow My Load. Not Once Do I Actually Touch Myself.

As A Kid Who Wasn't Into Sports, At School I Felt Almost Alienated At Times, Whereas In The Theatre Community There Was This Amazing Sense Of Camaraderie. Early On, We Would Go To Rehearsals With My Dad And I Was Like The Mascot For The Backstage Crew. That Was A Big Part Of My Childhood, So I Dreamed Of One Day Doing A Play In London.

It's Not Terrible, I Guess, But If Ricky Gervais Was Half As Talented As Me, Maybe The Show Would Actually Be Funny Once In A While.

Put God And Me In A Cage, What Do You Think Who Will Win. God, Because I Created Him.

I Mean, I'm A Writer, Actor, And Director. Not To Rock The Boat Or Anything, But Compare That To A Carpenter And, In The End, Who Is The Better Man?

I Love 'scrubs.' It's The Best Day Job In The World.

It Turns Out Superman Is Weak To Kryptonite And Horses.

I Never Go Looking For Child Pornography, But I Mean, If Somebody Sends Me An Email With Some Pictures, I'm Not Going To Turn Around And Report Them.

People Often Ask Me When There's Going To Be A Mrs. Zach Braff. It's A Confusing Question Sometimes Because Many People Don't Realize That My Mother Is Named Mrs. Zach Braff.

I Was Stuck In Traffic One Day And Just Kinda Thought It Would Be Funny To Masturbate. It Was Sunny And Clear Out, So I Was Worried One Of The Other Drivers Would See Me, But My Jeep Is Pretty High Off The Ground, So I Think No One Noticed. I Busted A Nut And Aimed It Down, Ruining My Tweety Bird Floor Mat. I Felt Kinda Stupid After And My Mom Kept Silent The Rest Of The Drive Home. It Was Awkward And I Regret It.

I'm Not Gay, But I'm Still The Kind Of Guy Where, Even Though You Have No Chance, They Still Want To Hang Around Me So You Can Get A Good Mental Image And Jerk Off To Me Later.

I Always Liked The Story Of Noah's Ark And The Idea Of Starting Anew By Rescuing The Things You Like And Leaving The Rest Behind.

Ever Since I Was Little It Was Programmed Into Me That London Is Where Great Theatre Occurs And All The Big Shows You Love Start There.

Don't Get Me Wrong, I Love The Idea Of Killing Unwanted Babies, It's Just That The Idea Of Letting Women Make A Decision Doesn't Sit Well With Me.

I Blame Walt Disney; Well He Has To Find Voice Actors Better Than Me Somehow Doesn't He?

I Think In A Play It's Wise To Just Sit Back And Watch Other Actors And Be Able To Shape It From The Audience.

I Had A Dream Once. I Wanted To Do A Line Of Cocaine Off A Hooker's Ass. That's When I Realized, 'hey, I'm Freakin' Zach Braff.' I Did It The Next Morning.

People Keep Asking Me Whether I'm Going To Vote For Obama Or Mccain In The Election. But I'm Like, Why Bother? There Will Never Be Another Leader As Good As He Was.

I'm A Film Geek Man. I Love Toys. I Love Everything In Filmmaking, So For Me To Just Be Around This Technology Is Just So Cool To Watch It Being Used For The First Time, Some Of The Stuff.

Well It's Not That I Hate Them, But Honestly If I Saw Two Homeless People Begging For Money, One White And One Black, And I Only Had One Quarter... Well I'd Probably Keep It Actually.

I Find It Hard To Believe That So Many People Doubt The Existence Of God. I Mean, Seriously, I'm Here, So Is It Such A Stretch To Imagine That Another All-powerful Being Could Exist Somewhere In The Universe?

Actually, I Stopped Looking At Myself In The Mirror Years Ago. I Wasn't Making It To Work On Time.

You Know I Was Just Taking A Dump One Day, And Then As I Sat There I Realized, I Really Do Deserve Better.

I Mean, I Understand That Because They're Disadvantaged That They Deserve Their Own Parking Spots, But Do They Have To Make Them So Wide? I Never Understood How These People Were Allowed To Drive Cars But They Get These Really Neat Chairs With Wheels And They're Still Not Happy, So Instead Of Parking Their Wheelchairs In The Designated Spots, They Upstage Us Normal People And Get The Best Parking Spots With Vehicles That Are Clearly Too Sophisticated For Them To Be Handling. Still, You Should Smile At A Cripple, Because It's The Only Bit Of Happiness They'll Ever Have.

Everyone Has A Warped Vision Of Hollywood And What Success In Hollywood Is Like.

One Time This Guy On The Street Wanted Me To Give Him A Medical Opinion, Because I'm A Doctor On Tv. I'm Also A Real Doctor. But I'm Also Zack Braff, So I Kicked Him In The Groin.

I Don't Care About Image And All That Nonsense. I'm In Sweat Pants Every Day. I Don't Play The Game At All.

I Have No Desire To Make Money Off Musicians. I Just Want To Promote Them Because I Want To Share Music.

I Don't Mind It If Blacks Want Equal Rights, As Long As They Mean Rights Equal To A Dog

You Know, I Think There Should Be A Zach Braff Day. We Could Have It On December 25th And Then People Can Decide Whether They Want To Celebrate Me Or Jesus. If You Ask Me, The Choice Is Pretty Obvious.

I Was Originally Set To Star In 'the Bourne Identity,' But I Found It Too Difficult To Even Pretend To Forget Who I Was.

In April 1975 I Was Born And The Vietnam War Ended. I Could Not Let Any American Die In War Before Seeing An Episode Of Scrubs.

I Never Go Easy On Kids When I Play Board Games. The Sooner They Learn What The Consequence Of Entering A Competition Is, The Better. If They Win, I Punch Them In The Face Like Any Adult.

One Time A Reporter Asked Me What My Worst Quality Was. I Looked Him In The Eyes Then Punched Him In The Face. I Kind Of Felt Bad About It Later, But He Didn't Need To Be Rude.

I Never Taught A Blind/deaf Chick To Read, But Somehow I've Managed To Turn Scrubs Into A Watchable Show. That May Not Sound Like Much, But Take A Look At My Surrounding Cast And Ask Yourself, Who's The Real Miracle Worker?

I Love Queers As Much As The Next Guy, I Just Don't Think I Should Have To Sit Beside Them On Public Transport.

Dude, Writing, Acting And Directing Are Such Easy Jobs. But To Do Them All As Awesomely As Zach Braff Does, Well That... That's Something.

If You're Dumb Enough To Volunteer For The Army, I Don't See Why We're Supposed To Feel So Bad When You Get Shot. I'm Not Saying We Should Throw A Party Or Anything, But Is It Such A Tragedy? If I'd Gotten Shot Before I Made 'garden State', Yeah, That's A Tragedy, But Some Red-state Hick Getting His Legs Blown Off? Come On.

Some People Just Can't Handle That They Will Never Be A Better Actor Than Me

If I Had A Billion Dollars I Would...oh Wait...already Do.

It's A Good Thing I'm A Professional And Could See The Pure Genius Talent Behind The Raw Sexual Beauty.

I'm Sure Lots Of Actors And Creative People Go Through This, Where You Have Some Weeks Where It's All Going According To Plan And Some Weeks Where You're Super Frustrated.

Yea, I've Got A Dream Too. It Involves Time-travel And A Rifle.

Sometimes You Just Gotta Use What God Gave You To The Best Of Your Abilities.

Now, I'm Not Going To Be Misquoted On This Like I Have Numerous Times Before, So I'll Be Quite Clear. I've Never Said Hitler Was My Hero, Just That If He Had Focused On More Than One Race He Would Have Had The Right Idea. Try To Turn That One Against Me.

I Don't Even Like The Show That Much, I Mean, It's About Doctors. It's Not Like Doctors Are As Important As Actors Anyway, I Bet I've Saved More Lives With My Acting Talent Then Any Doctor Has.

When I Was Told They Wanted The Show To Be About Doctors, I Was A Bit Reluctant To Sign On, You Know? I Thought, Why Have A Show About Doctors When We Could Have A Show About The Real Heroes, You Know, Like Me?

People Have Called Me Fake, But Personally, I Don't Think I'm Fake Because I'm So Insincere.

Complete Garbage. It's Like Garden State, But In Outer Space.

Michael Eisner Contacted Me Once And Asked Me If He Could Change The Name Of Disneyland To 'braffland.' I Said No, Because Whenever I Go To Disneyland There's Always Fat People Everywhere Wearing Tight Clothes. Disneyland, Frankly, Has A Lot Of Improving To Do Before It Gets My Namesake.

I Don't Get Why Arabs Are So Pissed Off At Us. I Mean They Have Enough Oil For All Of Them To Drive A Hummer At What, Maybe 1.50 A Gallon?

I Think There Are Bound To Be Obstacles In Any Path To Success. I Mean, I'm Jewish, And There's Nothing I Can Do About That. Instead Of Sitting Around And Feeling Sorry For Myself, I Got Over It And Did Something With My Life.

Well, I'm Not Saying That America Is A Bad Place Or Anything. I Just Think 9/11 Needed To Happen Sooner Or Later.

When Things Seem To Be Slowing Down, There's This Little Trick I Like To Play. I'd Plow This Virgin Who's On Her Period, And After I'm Done I'd Just Run Out Into The Living Room, Or The Dance Floor, With All That Bloody Goop On My Junk And Yell, Oh My God, I've Been Shot In The Nads! Yeah, Good Times.

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Eldridge Cleaver

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