I Always Wanted To Direct Movies. That's What I Set Out To Do. When I Was A Little Kid I Just Dreamed Of Making Movies, And I Went To Film School [at Northwestern University].

-Zach Braff

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I Always Wanted To

Zach Braff

I Always Wanted To Direct Movies. That's What I Set Out To Do. When I Was A Little Kid I Just Dreamed Of Making Movies, And I Went To Film School [at Northwestern University].

Topic

School

Kids

Littles

More From Zach Braff

In April 1975 I Was Born And The Vietnam War Ended. I Could Not Let Any American Die In War Before Seeing An Episode Of Scrubs.

War

Vietnam

April

It Blows My Mind That There Are People Out There Who Deny The Holocaust. Why Would You Ever Deny Such A Great Achievement. It's Like Denying The Cure For Polio Or Something.

Blow

People

Achievement

Sometimes I Regret Not Being Catholic. I Think I'd Make A Pretty Good Saint.

Regret

Thinking

Catholic

I Mean, I Understand That Scrubs Was My Big Break, But Sooner Or Later You Have To Move On. I've Already Directed A Movie, Which Received Very Good Reviews, So It Just Seems Much More Important To Me Now. I Feel That In Order To Better Foster My Creativity As An Actor And Director At This Point, I Need To Be Surrounded By Other Talented, Artistic Individuals, Instead Of Just Goofy Comedians.

Moving

Creativity

Mean

Yea, I've Got A Dream Too. It Involves Time-travel And A Rifle.

Dream

Rifles

Time Travel

It's Not That George Bush Doesn't Care About Black People, God Made Hurricanes, Not People Who Can't Swim.

People

Swim

Black

I'd Really Like To Give Back To The World, But Everything I've Achieved, I've Earned On My Own, So What's The Point?

Giving

World

Giving Back

I Have A Great Relationship With My Parents. I Have Not Been On Lithium.

Parent

Great Relationship

Lithium

I've Always Preferred Marvel Over Dc. I Just Relate To Their Characters Better. I Mean Look At Wolverine, At First He Was Just A Bit Player In An Ensemble Cast. Now He's The Only Reason People Read X-men. Just Like Me And Scrubs.

Character

Mean

Player

I Mean, Nobody's Ever Thrown A Big Rock At Me Or My Friends, But We're All Pretty Tough Guys And Could Probably Handle It.

Mean

Rocks

Guy

Of Course Killing People Is 'wrong', But I Think History Shows That Sometimes It Serves The Greater Good.

Thinking

People

Sometimes

There Is One Person I Can Think Of Better Than Me. And That's Zach Braff. What A Cool Guy.

Thinking

Guy

Persons

So I Was At The Gas Station The Other Day, And I Saw That There Was Braille On The Pumps. I Don't See How They Can Cater To Blind Drivers. I Mean, There Are Certain Rights You Should Lose Once You Lose What Makes You A Person.

Mean

Rights

Gas Stations

In Theater Or Movies You See Either 'i'm Religious' Or 'i'm An Atheist.' I've Never Seen Too Much Discussion Of 'i Believe There's A Higher Power But I'm Hesitant To Reach Out To Him Because I Don't Know If I'm Worthy Of His Attention.

Religious

Atheist

Believe

Retarded Kids Are The Best. When They Ask For An Autograph I Just Fake Sign A Picture And Tell Them That It's In Invisible Ink And It Will Show Up Later. They Totally Buy It. It Saves Me A Fortune In Markers.

Kids

Fake

Ink

I'm Pretty Sure Africa Was Made Up By The Media To Scare People. I Mean, I've Never Seen It. Have You? I Didn't Think So.

Mean

Thinking

Media

Probably The Most Memorable Even Of My Life Is When I Was Born. It Really Made Me Who I Am. If I Die, I Hope To Go Out The Same Way I Came In, But I Don't Think My Mother Would Be Into That.

Mother

Memorable

Thinking

I Mean, I Know Thousands Of People Died And Everything, But If It Happened Today, There's Just No Excuse. They'd Be Much Safer Inside A Movie Theater Watching One Of My Movies Instead Of Burning Alive In A Collapsing Skyscraper.

Mean

People

Burning

After All Meat Is Meat. I Don't Understand Why So Many People Are Bithing About It. It's Very Healthy And Contains Lots Of Vitamins

People

Healthy

Meat

I'm Not Sure When Or Why The Tabloid Angle On Me Was Decided That I Am A Cad. I Would Have Much Rather It Had Been That I Am Secretly A Dentist Or That I Love Soup.

Tabloids

Soup

Cad

The Easiest Way To Lose Something Is To Want It Too Badly.

Want

Way

Loses

Best Movie Ever?! Come On, My Appearance On Arrested Development Had More Dynamics, Realism And Feel To It Than The Whole Trilogy Combined.

Development

Dynamics

Appearance

People Are Always Going To Find Fault With Anything You Do, Any Process That You're A Part Of. The Creative Process Means Taking Risks, I've Taken Risks And I've Made Mistakes, But The Bottom Line Is, Could Anyone Else Have Done Any Better ? I Have To Believe That What I Created Was Worthwhile.

Mistake

Believe

Taken

My Mother's A Psychologist, My Stepfather's A Psychologist, My Stepmother Is A Therapist And My Dad's A Lawyer. So It Was All Prominent In My Life. I Don't Know Anyone Who Doesn't Know Someone On Some Form Of Prescription Medicine.

Mother

Dad

Medicine

I Lot Of People Remember When That Kid Spray-painted My Brand New Porsche For Punk'd. That Was Pretty Funny. He Got Me Pretty Good. Of Course, Most People Don't Know I Eventually Got Him Back With My Own Show. I Call It A Show, Really It's Just An Hour-long Video Shot In My Bedroom Featuring The Two Of Us.

Kids

Two

Long

People Are Always Saying Bad Things About Them, But Really They Think They're Just Trying To Clean Up Our Planet. I'm Not Saying It's Right But, You Know, We Could All Benefit From Following That Example.

Thinking

People

Trying

Don't Get Me Wrong, I Love The Idea Of Killing Unwanted Babies, It's Just That The Idea Of Letting Women Make A Decision Doesn't Sit Well With Me.

Baby

Ideas

Decision

It's Not That I'm Racist Or Anything, Because I'm Not, But I Just Don't Think We Should Be Wasting Our Time Helping People That Are Going To Die Soon Anyway.

Thinking

People

Racist

Without Me, Scrubs Would Be Worse Than The Holocaust. But With Me In It, It's Turned Into The Lolocaust.

Holocaust

Would Be

I Was Originally Casted To Be In The Superman Movie But I Read The Script And Realized That It Was Mysteriously Similar To My Screenplay For Zach Braff The Movie.

Scripts

Superman Movie

Screenplays

Turning Water To Wine? I Mean C'mon, That's Stupid. They Should Have Let Me Write The Bible.

Stupid

Writing

Wine

Oh I Love Children, But I Could Never Eat A Whole One.

Children

Children Love

Whole

I Think They're Bogus, Honestly. How Utter Garbage Like Crash And Million Dollar Baby Can Win Best Picture, Where True Works Of Art Such As Garden State Go Untouched Is Beyond Me. It Just Proves How Close-minded America Really Is, And I Refuse To Take Part In It.

Baby

Art

Winning

I Was Originally Set To Star In 'the Bourne Identity,' But I Found It Too Difficult To Even Pretend To Forget Who I Was.

Stars

Identity

Forget

Hitler Was About Population Control.

Population

Population Control

Women Are Like Parking Spots, The Best Ones Are Handicapped.

Spots

Parking

Parking Spots

I've Never Had Much Sympathy For Orphans, I Mean, When I Was Their Age I Would Have Killed To Have No Parents To Make Me Clean My Room And Stuff

Mean

Parent

Age

Gay Men In L.a. Are All A Bunch Of Tens Looking For An Eleven.

Gay

Men

Eleven

I Actually Did Ponder Doing The Brad Pitt/angelina Jolie Thing And Get A Kid From Ethiopia. But You Know, I Already Have An Ashtray.

Kids

Brad

Pondering

I'm Really Not One To Brag, But I Think My Job Is One Of The Most Important Things Someone Can Do With Their Life. I Mean, It Really Gives People A Chance To Live Outside Their Means Through Someone Else's Vision. And I Think That's Something Really Great That I Can Give Back To The Community. Sure I Could Be A Doctor Or A Lawyer, But Do They Really Help Anyone? Sure You Can Save Someone's Life, But Can You Really Change It For The Better? I'm Not Saying Their Jobs Aren't Important, Just Not As Important As Mine.

Jobs

Mean

Thinking

I've Always Wanted To Have Kids Of My Own, It's Just Tough Finding A Woman I Wouldn't Be Wasting My Dna On.

Kids

Dna

Tough

Lots Of People Were Giving Me Flak When I Made The Deal To Do The Very Last Season Of Scrubs For $350,000 An Episode. When Really I'm The One That's Being Cheated, Because The Writer's Strike Is Keeping Me From All The Money That I Could Be Making. I Need To Eat, Too.

People

Giving

Needs

It's A Really Fun Hobby To Set Imagery To Music, And Finding The Right Songs For That. Your Favorite Song In The World Might Not Work At All... For One Reason Or Another.

Song

Fun

Hobbies

They Say That Guys Who Like Chick Flicks Tend To Do A Little Better With The Ladies. Well, I Invented The Chick Flick, So You Can Pretty Much Guess Where That Leaves Me.

Guy

Littles

Chicks

It's... It's Such A Weird Thing. After Garden State, So Many Companies Wanted To Make My Movies, And After The Last Kiss, I Realized People Would Make Anything I Was In. As Long As I Keep This Up I'll Be Swimming In Chubby Indie Girl Pussy.

Girl

Kissing

Swimming

It Turns Out Superman Is Weak To Kryptonite And Horses.

Horse

Kryptonite

Weak

Yeah I Thought About Making The Character Of Jd Gay... But Then I Thought, But What About All The Poor Girls Dreams You'll Be Crushing

Crush

Girl

Dream

It's Just Gods Way Of Getting Babies To Heaven Faster!

Baby

Heaven

Way

I Never Really Understood All The Hype, Until I Got One Of My Own.

Hype

Understood

My Own

It's Not Terrible, I Guess, But If Ricky Gervais Was Half As Talented As Me, Maybe The Show Would Actually Be Funny Once In A While.

Half

Terrible

Shows

I Really Don't Know Why We Need A Whole Month Dedicated To Blacks. It's Not Like They're The Only Ones That Suffered. I Mean, What About Us Whites? We're The Ones That Have To Deal With These Monkeys Everyday, But You Don't See Us Demanding A Whole Month To Ourselves.

Mean

Everyday

Needs

Every Single Person Wants To Do It, Don't Hate Me Because I Had The Guts To Follow My Heart!

Hate

Heart

Want

If I Could Change Anything About Garden State, It Would Be To Cast Somebody Else For The Female Lead. Natalie Just Isn't Really That Good Of An Actress. Especially When Compared To Me. Just Watch The Two Of Us, It's Light And Dark. I Am By Far The Better Jew.

Dark

Garden

Light

If You're Dumb Enough To Volunteer For The Army, I Don't See Why We're Supposed To Feel So Bad When You Get Shot. I'm Not Saying We Should Throw A Party Or Anything, But Is It Such A Tragedy? If I'd Gotten Shot Before I Made 'garden State', Yeah, That's A Tragedy, But Some Red-state Hick Getting His Legs Blown Off? Come On.

Party

Army

Garden

I Can't Watch The News Anymore. They Have Their Priorities All Out Of Whack. All I See Is Natalee Holloway And Britney Spears And The War In Iraq. Where's The Substantive News? Where's The Zach Braff Coverage?

War

Iraq

Priorities

If Global Warming Is Such A Bad Thing, Then Why Is It Taking Out All Of Mankind's Competitors? It Just Seems To Me That The Less Species Are Out There, Killing All Our Caribou, The Better.

Global Warming

Killing

Mankind

It's Funny When I Read The Tabloids And They're Reporting On Only A Fraction Of The Life I'm Leading.

Tabloids

Fractions

Sometimes, I Go To Barnes & Noble With The Sole Intention Of Moving All Copies Of The Bible To The Fiction Section.

Moving

Noble

Fiction

It's Hard For Me Not To Be Extraordinarily Cute. I Had To Fight It.

Cute

Fighting

Hard

I Just Don't See How Anyone Can Hate America. I Mean, Crap, I Live There. What More Do You Need?

Hate

Mean

America

I Know That [mike] Tyson Talked About Wanting To Eat His Opponent's Children, But I Don't Think He Ever Had The Balls To Do It. I'm Different - When I Kidnapped Bill Lawrence's Daughter, I Cut Off All Of Her Fingers Before Sending My Demands So That I Wouldn't Have To Sit There And Wait For Him To Ignore Them. We Worked Things About About Nine Hours In, Which Is Good Because I Ate Her Thumb As A Midnight Snack.

Daughter

Children

Cutting

Sure, They Are The Future Of Our World. Nike And Reebok Need More Factory Workers Every Day.

Nike

Our World

Needs

The Jews Are Just Clumsy Bakers.

Bakers

Jew

Clumsy

So, Yeah, I Mean, There Is Something Universal About That Feeling - That 20-something, What The Hell Am I Going To Do With My Life, I'm Lost And My Parents Are Freaking Me Out, And What's The Point? Every Generation Has A Way Of Making That Unique, But There Are Certain Universals Of That Feeling.

Mean

Unique

Parent

Seriously, When's The Last Time You Saw Me Wear Shorts?

Lasts

Saws

Shorts

If I Had A Billion Dollars I Would...oh Wait...already Do.

Waiting

Dollars

Billions

I Was Stuck In Traffic One Day And Just Kinda Thought It Would Be Funny To Masturbate. It Was Sunny And Clear Out, So I Was Worried One Of The Other Drivers Would See Me, But My Jeep Is Pretty High Off The Ground, So I Think No One Noticed. I Busted A Nut And Aimed It Down, Ruining My Tweety Bird Floor Mat. I Felt Kinda Stupid After And My Mom Kept Silent The Rest Of The Drive Home. It Was Awkward And I Regret It.

Mom

Regret

Stupid

When Things Seem To Be Slowing Down, There's This Little Trick I Like To Play. I'd Plow This Virgin Who's On Her Period, And After I'm Done I'd Just Run Out Into The Living Room, Or The Dance Floor, With All That Bloody Goop On My Junk And Yell, Oh My God, I've Been Shot In The Nads! Yeah, Good Times.

Running

Play

Junk

Sometimes Sarah [chalke] Starts To Talk About Iraq Or Whatever And She Gets All Excited, Like I Actually Give A Crap What She's Saying. Come On, She's A Woman. But Still, It's Very Cute.

Cute

Iraq

Giving

I'm Not Saying Eating Babies Should Be Legal, But When They're So Delicious, What's The Harm In It? I Don't Know What Tastes Better, Their Innocence Or Their Gooey Rib Butter.

Baby

Ribs

Taste

I Like Hot Dogs. I Like Eggplant. I Like Pizza And Creamed Corn And Beer. But I Don't Like Arabs.

Dog

Beer

Eggplant

I Could See Why Someone Would Want To Make A Website About Me, And My Quotes. They Are All Gold. How Many People Have Written, Directed And Starred In Their Own Movies. I Just Don't Know Why They Would Want To Put Words Into My Mouth, I Mean I Did Write, Direct And Star In A Critically Acclaimed Movie.

Stars

Writing

Mean

When I Played The Shins, I Changed Someone's Life. When I Play Belle And Sebastian In A Pivotal Scene In My Next Movie...well, Let's Just Say I Made Sure I That I Can't Be Held Legally Responsible For All The Deaths People Will Suffer Out Of Shock Upon Hearing Them. They're A Terrific Band.

Play

People

Suffering

I'm Not Gay, But I'm Still The Kind Of Guy Where, Even Though You Have No Chance, They Still Want To Hang Around Me So You Can Get A Good Mental Image And Jerk Off To Me Later.

Gay

Guy

Good Man

One Time A Reporter Asked Me What My Worst Quality Was. I Looked Him In The Eyes Then Punched Him In The Face. I Kind Of Felt Bad About It Later, But He Didn't Need To Be Rude.

Eye

Rude

Quality

I Don't Think Restaurants Should Refuse To Serve Minority People. They Are Quite Tasty When Prepared Correctly.

Thinking

People

Minorities

I Had A Very Funny Family.

Funny Family

I Think We Have To Acknowledge That People Are Different And Succeed At Different Things, First Of All. Men Are Better Than Women At Some Professions Like Firefighting, Construction Work, And Physics. But Women Are Better Than Men At Some Professions, Too, Like Elementary Teaching, Prostitution, And Giving Birth. Who's To Say Which Is More Important?

Teaching

Men

Thinking

I Know I Probably Should Be Sad About My Mother's Cancer... But She Still Hasn't Seen The Last Kiss, You Know?

Mother

Cancer

Kissing

When I Let Some Girl Take Me In Her Mouth I Think This Is What Jesus Must Feel Like During Communion.

Girl

Jesus

Thinking

Actually When I Gave Out The Script, I Gave It With A Cd Of All The Music I Wanted To Put In The Movie, And Again, We Never Thought We'd Get All That Music.

Cds

Scripts

Wanted

I Blame Walt Disney; Well He Has To Find Voice Actors Better Than Me Somehow Doesn't He?

Voice

Actors

Blame

People Keep Asking Me Whether I'm Going To Vote For Obama Or Mccain In The Election. But I'm Like, Why Bother? There Will Never Be Another Leader As Good As He Was.

People

Leader

Asking

The Thing About Hitting Kids Is, Think About If You Were Doing The Same Thing To Another Adult. Hitting Your Kid Is Really The Same As Hitting Your Employee Or Wife, And The Issue Become Pretty Clear When You Think About It That Way.

Kids

Thinking

Issues

I Wouldn't Call Myself A Modern Shakespeare, But Shakespeare Was Probably To His Generation What I Am To Mine.

Generations

Modern

Mines

I Never Go Easy On Kids When I Play Board Games. The Sooner They Learn What The Consequence Of Entering A Competition Is, The Better. If They Win, I Punch Them In The Face Like Any Adult.

Kids

Winning

Games

I Don't Like The Term 'black People', I Find It Demeaning To Those Of Us That Actually Qualify As 'people'.

People

Black

Term

Some People Just Don't Want To Put In The Effort. I Just Show Up And Say Some Lines And I'm Famous. Anyone Living Below The Poverty Line Just Needs To Shape Up Or Be Shipped Out, You Know?

People

Effort

Needs

I'm By No Means Condemning Prescription Medicine For Mental Health. I've Seen It Save A Lot Of People's Lives.

Mean

Medicine

People

Honestly, The Only Way Garden State Could Have Been Better Was If I Played Every Character. I'm Awesome.

Character

Garden

Way

If I Wasn't An Actor? Hmm, I'd Probably Be A Serial Killer. I'm Just So Damn Likeable, No One Would Ever Suspect Me.

Serial Killer

Actors

Killers

Compared To My Talents, Whoopi Goldberg Is Like One Of Those Fake Plastic Buddhas You Get At Dollar Stores. I Mean Really, I Fail To See The Humor In An Overweight Negro Woman With Dreadlocks, No Eyebrows, And Is Named After A Childish Term For Flatulence.

Mean

Eyebrows

Fake

You Know How They Do That Effect In Movies, Where They Make It Look Like You Have A Twin, But It's Really Just The Same Actor Playing Both Characters In The Scene? I Knew This Would Be The Best Route, But I Just Wasn't Comfortable Dressing As A Woman, So I Had To Hire Other Actors.

Character

Would Be

Looks

I Definitely Try To Play A Common Man In My Roles So People Can Identify With My Characters, But The Truth Of The Matter Is That It Doesn't Really Matter What I Do Or My Lines Are, I'm Still Zach Braff, And People Know I'm Better Than Them.

Character

Men

Play

I Mean, What's Eleven Million People Now Days?

Mean

People

Eleven

A Lot Of People Consider 9/11 To Be A Tragedy, And In Some Ways It Is, But I Think There's Also Opportunity For A Lot Of Humor There.

Opportunity

Thinking

People

People Have Called Me Fake, But Personally, I Don't Think I'm Fake Because I'm So Insincere.

Thinking

People

Fake

I Never Taught A Blind/deaf Chick To Read, But Somehow I've Managed To Turn Scrubs Into A Watchable Show. That May Not Sound Like Much, But Take A Look At My Surrounding Cast And Ask Yourself, Who's The Real Miracle Worker?

Real

Miracle

Sound

I Wouldn't Exactly Call It 'intelligent', But Somebody Has To Be Behind Designing The Human Form Other Than Just Biological Necessity. Why Else Would Women Have Arms? Or Feet? Or Mouths?

Intelligent

Feet

Design

Actually, I Stopped Looking At Myself In The Mirror Years Ago. I Wasn't Making It To Work On Time.

Mirrors

Years

Years Ago

I Think I Suffer From Some Mild Depression.

Thinking

Suffering

My Job As An Actor Has Inspired Generations Of Children To Become Doctors. My Job As A Writer Has Opened Up The Minds Of Millions. My Job As A Director Has Produced Masterpieces That Will Be Taught In Film School For Ages.

Jobs

Children

School

My Tears Cure Cancer Too, It's Just That I Laugh At Cancer Patients.

Cancer

Laughing

Tears

Ever Since I Was Little It Was Programmed Into Me That London Is Where Great Theatre Occurs And All The Big Shows You Love Start There.

Theatre

Littles

London

Everyone Has A Warped Vision Of Hollywood And What Success In Hollywood Is Like.

Vision

Hollywood

They Say The Number On Rule In Showbusiness Is Not To Work With Animals. I Guess I'm Above The Rules Because I Put Up With That For Seven Years.

Animal

Years

Numbers

I Remember Once I Went To Go See A Movie, And In Front Of Me In Line There Was A Little Boy Who Looked So Eager To See It, Like It Was Christmas Morning. When He Got To The Ticket Booth It Turned Out There Was Only One Ticket Left; The Manager Was There And Wanted To Give It To Me Instead Since I Was Famous. That's When I Knew I'd Hit It Big.

Morning

Boys

Giving

I'm 26 Years Old, And I've Spent My Whole Life Waiting For Something Else To Start. Now I Realize That This Is All There Is, And I'm Going To Try To Live My Life Like That.

Years

Waiting

Trying

Now, I'm Not Going To Be Misquoted On This Like I Have Numerous Times Before, So I'll Be Quite Clear. I've Never Said Hitler Was My Hero, Just That If He Had Focused On More Than One Race He Would Have Had The Right Idea. Try To Turn That One Against Me.

Hero

Ideas

Race

I'm A Big Proponent Of 'don't Ask, Don't Tell,' In Fact, I Enforce It Strictly On All Of My Dates. First, I Don't Ask Them For Sex, And Then I Warn Them Not To Tell Anyone After I'm Through.

Sex

Facts

Firsts

I Tried It A Few Times But Didn't See The Point. I'm Zach Braff. What The Fudge Do I Need A Team For Besides Holding Me Back And Sucking? If I Wanted That, I'd Just Walk On The Set Of 'scrubs'.

Team

Needs

Fudge

Let's Face It, It's Only Called Scrubs Because I'm Saving 'zach Braff' For My Autobiography.

Saving

Faces

Autobiography

I Mean, Personally, I Would Have Had No Problem Surviving. Come On, How Hard Is It To Swim?

Mean

Swim

Problem

I'm A Film Geek Man. I Love Toys. I Love Everything In Filmmaking, So For Me To Just Be Around This Technology Is Just So Cool To Watch It Being Used For The First Time, Some Of The Stuff.

Technology

Men

Watches

For Me, Acting In Scenes With Other People Is Like Playing Soccer With A Bunch Of Legless Five Year Olds. It's Not Really Fair To Them, But What Else Can I Do, You Know?

Soccer

Years

People

It Depresses Me When People Expect Me To Be Like The Characters I Play On Film. I'm Not Some Whiny Loser Punk, I'm A Man's Man.

Depressing

Character

Men

When I Was Little I Always Wanted To Drive A Train. That, And Become A Baker.

Bakers

Littles

Wanted

I Mean, So What If It's A Little Dangerous? A One-armed Kid Is Comedy Gold.

Mean

Kids

What If

Sometimes You Just Gotta Use What God Gave You To The Best Of Your Abilities.

Use

Sometimes

Ability

Most People Just Aren't Grateful For The Lives They Have, And It Really Saddens Me. For Instance, I Said 'hello' To A Man The Other Day, And He Didn't Even Recognize Me. It Just Really Saddens Me.

Grateful

Men

People

You Always See Black People Complaining About This And That, But You Never See Me Complaining About How Slow They Work On My Plantation.

People

Black

Complaining

It Has Been Pretty Much Downhill Ever Since The 13th Amendment

Amendments

Has Beens

I'm Sure Lots Of Actors And Creative People Go Through This, Where You Have Some Weeks Where It's All Going According To Plan And Some Weeks Where You're Super Frustrated.

People

Creative

Frustrated

Yeah I Saw An Inconvenient Truth, And I Dont Want To Say It Was Preachy But Let's Not Kid Ourselves, I've Got Far More Important Work To Do

Kids

Important

Want

I Stand Stark Naked In Front Of The Mirror And Gaze Directly Into My Own Eyes. I Utter 'good Morning, Handsome' And My Lips Quiver As I Stare At Myown Body. I Don't Break Eye Contact Until I Blow My Load. Not Once Do I Actually Touch Myself.

Morning

Eye

Blow

I Went To Film School And Wanted To Learn Everything There Was About Making Movies.

School

Film

Wanted

I Guess Sometimes God Just Needs To Laugh

Laughing

Needs

Sometimes

I Procrastinate So Much And I Get Distracted By Anything.

Procrastinating

Distracted

Yeah, The Gay Pride Movement Is Precious And All, But I Think It's About Time We Asked Ourselves What Gay People Really Have To Offer To Society.

Pride

Gay

Thinking

You Know, I Think There Should Be A Zach Braff Day. We Could Have It On December 25th And Then People Can Decide Whether They Want To Celebrate Me Or Jesus. If You Ask Me, The Choice Is Pretty Obvious.

Jesus

Thinking

People

The Fact That 'scrubs' Is So Popular In Israel Is Very Important To Me. I Feel Like I'm Helping To Cancel Out The Thousands Of Years Of Oppression The Jewish People Have Suffered.

Israel

Years

People

People Often Ask Me When There's Going To Be A Mrs. Zach Braff. It's A Confusing Question Sometimes Because Many People Don't Realize That My Mother Is Named Mrs. Zach Braff.

Mother

People

Confusing

When You're The Director And The Writer, You Never Have To Remember Your Lines, And There's No One To Call You On It. On Garden State I Did Different Lines On Every Take, Just Making Crap Up. And It Was Great Each Time.

Garden

Lines

Directors

It Was Really Starting To Get Pathetic, Everyday They Would Come In Looking For One Thing Or Another. 'zach, Can You Give Me Some Acting Tips?' 'zach, Will You Let Me Blow You?' 'can I Have Some Cash?' That's When I Made The Call, That's When I Decided Seven Was Enough

Blow

Giving

Everyday

I Was Excited About The Dark Knight Until Heath Ledger Gave Away The Ending, Batman Always Wins.

Dark

Winning

Knights

I'm Not An Hour Late. You Guys Were Just An Hour Early.

Guy

Hours

Late

I Did Theater For A Few Years While I Was In New York, But It Was Tough Having To Perform Scripts Worse Than What I Knew I Could Write.

New York

Writing

Years

Its Not That I'm In Love With Myself, I'm Just Trying To Pick Up Everyone Else's Slack.

Trying

Picks

I'm Not Lazy, I Drive Everywhere Myself, The Dog Could've Learned Something From Me.

Dog

Lazy

I Like To Think Of Myself As The Chris Benoit Of The Movie Industry, Capable Of Taking Any Picture And Carrying It To Box-office Success. Take Garden State, Without Me That Would Have Just Been Two Hours Of Portman Doging.

Garden

Thinking

Two

I'm Kind Of Jealous Of The Life I'm Supposedly Leading.

Jealous

Kind

I Don't Even Like The Show That Much, I Mean, It's About Doctors. It's Not Like Doctors Are As Important As Actors Anyway, I Bet I've Saved More Lives With My Acting Talent Then Any Doctor Has.

Mean

Doctors

Important

I Love Queers As Much As The Next Guy, I Just Don't Think I Should Have To Sit Beside Them On Public Transport.

Thinking

Should Have

Guy

Eight Gold Medals? If I Wanted I Could Make A Movie About Me Winning Nine Gold Medals. Now That's Real Power.

Real

Winning

Eight

Women Have The Right To Choose What Do With Their Own Bodies. They Can Take It In The Cooch Or In The Pooper. But That's Where Their Right To Choose Stops, In My Opinion.

Body

Opinion

You Know, I've Occasionally Tried To Watch Other Shows Besides Scrubs, But Comparing Them Is A Bit Like Me Competing In The Special Olympics. Obviously I Would Win Without Contest, But The Point Is That They Are Trying Their Best.

Winning

Special

Trying

I Always Encourage Over-tipping If You Can Afford It Because Share The Wealth.

Tipping

Wealth

People Have Always Wondered What My Opinion On Stevie Wonder Is. I Say If He's So Great How Come He Can't See? I Mean, God Doesn't Make Mistakes, Just Look At Me For Example.

Mistake

Mean

People

So For Front-runners We Have A Black And A Woman. It's Like Being Made To Choose Between Syphilis Or Having And Old Man Crap On Your Face. I Would Do The Country A Favor And Run Myself But I Couldn't Deprive Hollywood Of Me For 4 Years.

Running

Country

Men

Well It's Not That I Hate Them, But Honestly If I Saw Two Homeless People Begging For Money, One White And One Black, And I Only Had One Quarter... Well I'd Probably Keep It Actually.

Hate

Two

White

The Only Real Difference Between Hookers, Stippers, Sluts And Regualar Women How Many Times You Can Hit Them Before They Cry. Hookers Can Really Take A Punch, I'll Tell You That Much.

Real

Differences

Cry

Over Half A Century On And They're Still Complaining About It. Compare It To The Fact That Garden State Didn't Win An Oscar And They Seem A Little Petty If You Ask Me. I Guess That Just Goes To Show What Kind Of People They Really Are.

Winning

Garden

People

Don't Get Me Started On Cold Toilet Seats.

Toilet Seat

Toilets

Cold

I Think A Lot Of People Are Drawn To Seeing People That Want To Be Better. We See It In Ourselves.

Thinking

People

Want

Oh Sure, I Have A Few Black People In My Family Tree. They're Probably Still Hanging There.

People

Tree

Black

My Co-stars Aren't Bad Actors, But They're No Zach Braff.

Stars

Actors

I'm A Busy Guy; I Just Get A Lot Of People That Sound Like Me To Go Out And Visit Them. They Don't Know The Difference And, Let's Face It, They Aren't Going To Be Paying To See My Movies Anytime Soon.

Differences

People

Guy

I Think Sports Are Very Beneficial In The Fight Against Obesity. I Remember Playing Little League - I Was The Best Person On The Pitch By A Long Shot. It Was Only Last Weekend Actually, I Think I Have Some Photos Of It If You're Interested.

Sports

Fighting

Thinking

I Heard About The Dalai Lama, You Know And I Thought To Myself, Why Not Me?

Why Not

Heard

Lama

People Still Make New Year's Resolutions? Wow. I Figured Those Were Pointless Once I Perfected Myself By Directing, Writing, And Acting In Garden State. I Guess It Makes Sense, Though. It Gives People A Chance To Hope That They Can Become As Great As Me Someday.

New Year

Writing

Garden

I Figure It This Way - If A Woman Claims She Didn't Want Me To Fudge Her, Then You Already Know She's A Liar. So What The Hell's The Point Of A Trial, Y'know?

Liars

Trials

Fudge

At First, I Didn't Really Care If Global Warming Existed. But Then I Realized It Means That Less Bums Would Freeze To Death In The Winter

Mean

Winter

Care

I Know Every Politician Spins The Truth A Little.

Littles

Politician

Knows

I Said, I'm On This Tv Show And I Love Doing It, But I Don't Want To Be Known Always As The Silly "scrubs" Guy... So Part Of Me Was Like, You Know What? Life's Short. Let's Go For It.

Silly

Tv Shows

Guy

In New York, We Tip Everyone. We Tip Doormen, We Tip Cab Drivers, And We Tip Bartenders At The Bar. You'll Get Quite An Evil Eye If You Don't Leave A Tip At The Bar.

New York

Eye

Evil

Am I Really Gonna Deny Someone The Opportunity Of A Lifetime Just Because They Met Me 5 Easters Early?

Easter

Opportunity

Lifetime

It's Not That I Think The Nazis Were Right, Or Anything. It's Just That, We Weren't There, We Don't Know.

Thinking

Nazi

Knows

It Used To Be That You Came Out Of School, And You Got Married - Those Who Were Going To Get Married. But My Peers Are Getting Married In Their Early 30s, So Now There's Like This Extra 10 Years Of That Angst.

School

Years

Peers

I Had No Interest In Sports So I Didn't Make Friends In That Traditional Way Where Kids Are In Public School And They Go And They Join Clubs, And Play Sports. So I Kind Of Had To Find My Own Way To Make Friends And Get Attention And So I Just Was The Class Clown.

Sports

School

Kids

I Didn't Necessarily Have A Total Idea When I Was Writing The Movie Of Where Everything Was Going. I Just Wanted To Have Really Realistic Dialogue And Write Like People I Knew Talked. I Tried To Keep It Very Real.

Real

Writing

Ideas

If We've Learned Anything, It's That The Combination Of Yellow Smiley Faces And Blue Polyester Vests Are Irresistible To The Inbred.

Blue

Yellow

Inbreds

In A Perfect World, Everybody Would Be Gay. I Mean If Everybody Looked Like Zach Braff, You Just Wouldn't Be Able To Resist.

Mean

Gay

Perfect

I Want To Take Piano Lessons, I Want To Study At University, I Want To Travel, I Want To Do Other Parts, Make Another Movie.

Piano

Lessons

Want

I Once Looked In The Mirror At Myself And Noticed That, Without A Doubt, I Am A Sexy Man. In Fact, I Don't Think I'll Ever Get Married...it Just Wouldn't Be Fair For My Spouse To Catch Me Enjoying A Look In The Mirror More Than Having Sex With Her.

Sexy

Men

Thinking

I Mean, Some People Accuse Me Of Being Racist. I'm Totally Not, I'm Just Better Than Everybody Else.

Mean

People

Racist

At This Point I Feel Like I Could Go Out And Accomplish Anything. I'd Just Love To See Will Smith's Face If He Found Out I, Z-braff, Have The Number One Rap Album In The Country. That'd Show That No-talent Uncle Tom.

Country

Uncles

Rap

Look On The Bright Side; That's One Bullet That's Not Going To Hit Me.

Looks

Bullets

Sides

Everyone Has An Idea That They Think Would Be A Great Movie. Everyone Has A Cousin Who They Think You Should Work With.

Cousin

Thinking

Ideas

I Don't Mind It If Blacks Want Equal Rights, As Long As They Mean Rights Equal To A Dog

Dog

Mean

Rights

You Know I Was Just Taking A Dump One Day, And Then As I Sat There I Realized, I Really Do Deserve Better.

Deserve Better

One Day

Dump

I Love Signing Autographs! Sometimes, When People Ask Me For One, I Keep The Photo For Myself And Frame It. It's A Win-win Situation Really; I Get An Extra 25 Dollars In My Pocket And Another Portrait For My Bedroom.

Winning

People

Pockets

To Say I Live A Cursed Life Is An Understatement. I Have To Get Up Every Day And Work With People Who Are Not As Successful As Me Nor Will They Ever Be As Successful As Me. Nobody Knows The Struggles I Go Through.

Struggle

Successful

People

I Think A Big Part Of Being A Success Is Confidence. Just Look At Me, I Know I'm Successful, And I Am.

Successful

Thinking

Looks

I Wouldn't Say I'm Bigger Than Jesus. If I Had To Guess, I'd Say Probably, Yeah, But As Far As I Know, The Bible Is Never Clear On This.

Jesus

Yeah

Bigger

Of Course I Don't Use My A-material, It Doesn't Matter If They Think I'm Funny Or Not Because They Won't Be Thinking Anything Pretty Soon Anyways, If You Caych My Drift.

Thinking

Use

Matter

I Donno, It's Not Impressive. Once I Put Ear Plugs In And Put A Blind Fold On For Like 14 Minutes And I Did Just Fine.

Ears

Blind

Plugs

I Love 'scrubs.' It's The Best Day Job In The World.

Jobs

Day Jobs

World

I'm Grown Ass Man And Grown Ass Men Can Do Whatever They Want, Got It?

Men

Want

Ass

I Was Inspired By World Vision. It's Almost Like I Sponsored (donald) Faison And Gave Him An Opportunity To Do Something With His Life. What More Would He Want Than To Work With Me?

Opportunity

Vision

World

I'm Not Saying I Hate Jews, I'm Just Saying That I Think They Shouldn't Be Alive Any More.

Hate

Thinking

Alive

I Mean, I Understand That Because They're Disadvantaged That They Deserve Their Own Parking Spots, But Do They Have To Make Them So Wide? I Never Understood How These People Were Allowed To Drive Cars But They Get These Really Neat Chairs With Wheels And They're Still Not Happy, So Instead Of Parking Their Wheelchairs In The Designated Spots, They Upstage Us Normal People And Get The Best Parking Spots With Vehicles That Are Clearly Too Sophisticated For Them To Be Handling. Still, You Should Smile At A Cripple, Because It's The Only Bit Of Happiness They'll Ever Have.

Mean

People

Car

In My Opinion, One Of The Biggest Drawbacks About Sergio Leone Films Are The Scores Composed By Ennio Morricone. If [leone] Were As Talented As I Am, He Would Have Made Mixtapes For His Movies Instead Of Letting Some Schmuck Write The Soundtracks For Him. But Then If He Were As Talented As I Am, He'd Be Zach Braff. And Have His Own Grammy.

Writing

Mixtapes

Opinion

The Only Women I Publicly Date Are Those Who Have A Higher Imdb Rating Than Me.

Rating

Higher

The Best Way To Travel Abroad Is To Live With The Locals.

Way

Best Way

Locals

When I First Moved To L.a., I Thought About Turning Gay. Then I Realized None Of The Guys I Was Interested In Was Good Enough For Me.

Gay

Guy

Firsts

Minutes To Learn, A Lifetime To Master. People Just Don't Understand That

People

Lifetime

Minutes

The Problem With Doing Commercials Is That The Only Thing Good Enough For Me To Sell Is Myself, And I Stopped Doing That Once I Kicked My Coke Habit.

Coke

Problem

Good Enough

I Don't Get Why Arabs Are So Pissed Off At Us. I Mean They Have Enough Oil For All Of Them To Drive A Hummer At What, Maybe 1.50 A Gallon?

Mean

Oil

Pissed Off

I Don't Think It's That Bad, I Mean, I Love People Following Me Around And Helping Me Do Stuff.

Mean

Thinking

People

First I Took A Crap On The Hooker's Chest, Then I Told Her I'd Pay Her A Thousand Dollars To Eat It. She Was Addicted To Crack, So Of Course She Did It. It Was So Gross, Though, It Made Her Throw Up, So I Said I'd Pay Her Another Thousand To Lick All That Up, Too. She Started To, But For Some Reason She Started Crying As She Was Doing It, Saying, 'i Went To College! I Have A Degree!' Oh Man, It Was Hilarious. I Don't Know If It Was Technically Sex Because I Just Beat Off On Her Face, But Definitely One Of My Most Intense Orgasms.

Sex

College

Men

Understanding Quotes: Their Essence and Application

Quotes, or quotations, are powerful tools in communication, encapsulating ideas, emotions, and wisdom in concise expressions. They serve various purposes across different contexts, from academic writing to everyday conversation.

1. Defining Quotes

A quote is a repetition of someone else's statement or thoughts. It can be a direct replication of words spoken or written by another individual, often used to support arguments, provide evidence, or convey profound insights.

2. The Importance of Quotes

2.1. Enhancing Credibility

Incorporating quotes from authoritative sources can bolster the credibility of your work. By referencing experts or primary sources, you demonstrate thorough research and a solid foundation for your arguments.

2.2. Providing Evidence

Quotes serve as concrete evidence to support claims. In academic and professional writing, they validate points made, offering readers a basis to trust the information presented.

2.3. Conveying Emotions and Perspectives

Quotes can encapsulate emotions and perspectives succinctly. They allow writers to express complex feelings or viewpoints through the words of others, often more eloquently than paraphrasing.

3. Types of Quotes

3.1. Direct Quotes

Direct quotes involve copying the exact words from a source, enclosed in quotation marks. They are used when the original wording is significant or particularly well-expressed.

3.2. Indirect Quotes (Paraphrasing)

Indirect quotes restate the original message in your own words. While not enclosed in quotation marks, they still require proper attribution to the original source.

3.3. Block Quotes

Block quotes are lengthy direct quotations, formatted as a separate block of text. They are typically used for quotes exceeding a certain length, varying by citation style. For instance, in APA style, quotes longer than 40 words are formatted as block quotes.

4. Proper Usage of Quotes

4.1. Contextual Relevance

Ensure that the quote you choose is relevant to the topic and adds value to your content. Avoid inserting quotes solely for decorative purposes.

4.2. Integration into Your Writing

Seamlessly integrate quotes into your writing. Introduce them appropriately and follow up with analysis or commentary to connect them to your main points.

4.3. Attribution and Citation

Always attribute quotes to their original authors and provide proper citations according to the required style guide (APA, MLA, Chicago, etc.).

5. Common Mistakes to Avoid

5.1. Overusing Quotes

Relying too heavily on quotes can overshadow your voice. Use them sparingly to support your arguments, not replace them.

5.2. Lack of Analysis

Presenting a quote without analysis or explanation can leave readers questioning its relevance. Always follow up with your interpretation or discussion.

5.3. Misquoting or Taking Out of Context

Ensure that quotes are accurate and not taken out of context, as this can mislead readers and undermine your credibility.

6. Quotes in Different Contexts

6.1. Academic Writing

In academic writing, quotes are used to support arguments, provide evidence, and engage with existing literature. Proper citation is crucial to avoid plagiarism.

6.2. Journalism

Journalists use quotes to provide firsthand accounts, add authenticity, and present multiple perspectives within a story.

6.3. Literature and Creative Writing

In literature, quotes can be used to convey character voices, themes, and stylistic elements. They enrich narratives and provide depth to storytelling.

7. Punctuation and Formatting

Understanding the correct punctuation and formatting of quotes is essential:

Quotation Marks: Always enclose direct quotes within quotation marks.

Punctuation Placement: In American English, periods and commas are placed inside quotation marks, while colons and semicolons are placed outside.

Block Quotes: For longer quotes, format them as block quotes without quotation marks, and indent the entire block.

8. Ethical Considerations

Ethical use of quotes involves accurate representation, proper attribution, and respect for intellectual property. Misuse can lead to plagiarism, which carries serious academic and professional consequences.

9. Tools for Managing Quotes

Utilize tools like citation generators and plagiarism checkers to manage quotes effectively. These tools help ensure proper formatting and originality in your writing.

Conclusion

Quotes are invaluable in enriching content, providing evidence, and conveying complex ideas succinctly. When used appropriately, they enhance the quality and credibility of your writing. Always ensure relevance, proper integration, and ethical usage to maximize their impact.

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