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First I Took A Crap On The Hooker's Chest, Then I Told Her I'd Pay Her A Thousand Dollars To Eat It. She Was Addicted To Crack, So Of Course She Did It. It Was So Gross, Though, It Made Her Throw Up, So I Said I'd Pay Her Another Thousand To Lick All That Up, Too. She Started To, But For Some Reason She Started Crying As She Was Doing It, Saying, 'i Went To College! I Have A Degree!' Oh Man, It Was Hilarious. I Don't Know If It Was Technically Sex Because I Just Beat Off On Her Face, But Definitely One Of My Most Intense Orgasms.

-Zach Braff

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First I Took A

Zach Braff

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First I Took A Crap On The Hooker's Chest, Then I Told Her I'd Pay Her A Thousand Dollars To Eat It. She Was Addicted To Crack, So Of Course She Did It. It Was So Gross, Though, It Made Her Throw Up, So I Said I'd Pay Her Another Thousand To Lick All That Up, Too. She Started To, But For Some Reason She Started Crying As She Was Doing It, Saying, 'i Went To College! I Have A Degree!' Oh Man, It Was Hilarious. I Don't Know If It Was Technically Sex Because I Just Beat Off On Her Face, But Definitely One Of My Most Intense Orgasms.

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If It Were Up To Me, It'd Be Outlawed. I Mean, Come On. Zach Braff Was Born Streamlined, And That's How It Should Stay!

I Heard About The Dalai Lama, You Know And I Thought To Myself, Why Not Me?

I'm By No Means Condemning Prescription Medicine For Mental Health. I've Seen It Save A Lot Of People's Lives.

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I Mean, What's Eleven Million People Now Days?

I Had A Dream Once. I Wanted To Do A Line Of Cocaine Off A Hooker's Ass. That's When I Realized, 'hey, I'm Freakin' Zach Braff.' I Did It The Next Morning.

I Like To Drop In On People Who Picked On Me In High School Or Whatever, Just Out Of The Blue, And Chat With Them To See How They Think Of Me Now That I'm A Big Star. Usually They're A Lot Nicer. After About Half An Hour, I Excuse Myself To Go To The Bathroom, And Leave A Few Dvds Or Pictures There. Then When I Come Out, I Say Good-bye And Leave. Then I Call The Cops.

I'm Sure Lots Of Actors And Creative People Go Through This, Where You Have Some Weeks Where It's All Going According To Plan And Some Weeks Where You're Super Frustrated.

Whenever I'm Feeling A Bit Down, I Always Visit The Local Children's Hospital. Knowing That Those Cancer-kids Wont Be Able To Live Long Enough To Surpass Me In Fame Just Warms My Heart, You Know?

I'm Not The Kind Of Person Who Digs Through Things Other People Have Thrown Away.

I Think They're Bogus, Honestly. How Utter Garbage Like Crash And Million Dollar Baby Can Win Best Picture, Where True Works Of Art Such As Garden State Go Untouched Is Beyond Me. It Just Proves How Close-minded America Really Is, And I Refuse To Take Part In It.

Yeah, I Saw The Guy Running Out Of The Building Carrying A Rifle, I Just Didn't Say Anything To The Cops Because I Was So Happy That I Wasn't The One Who Got Shot.

Let's Face It, It's Only Called Scrubs Because I'm Saving 'zach Braff' For My Autobiography.

Of Course Killing People Is 'wrong', But I Think History Shows That Sometimes It Serves The Greater Good.

It Raises Several Serious Questions. For Example, How Can There Possibly Be More Than One Person As Awesome As Me?

I Once Fisted Two Babies And Then Used The Corpses As Boxing Gloves To Fight Off The Grieving Parents.

In My Opinion, One Of The Biggest Drawbacks About Sergio Leone Films Are The Scores Composed By Ennio Morricone. If [leone] Were As Talented As I Am, He Would Have Made Mixtapes For His Movies Instead Of Letting Some Schmuck Write The Soundtracks For Him. But Then If He Were As Talented As I Am, He'd Be Zach Braff. And Have His Own Grammy.

Sometimes You Just Gotta Use What God Gave You To The Best Of Your Abilities.

I Mean, So What If It's A Little Dangerous? A One-armed Kid Is Comedy Gold.

It's Really Hard To Find Parts That Challenge Me As An Actor These Days. At This Point In My Career, I Feel Like I Can Just Sleepwalk Through Most Of My Roles And Still Do A Better Job Than 90 Percent Of The Actors Out There.

I Never Go Looking For Child Pornography, But I Mean, If Somebody Sends Me An Email With Some Pictures, I'm Not Going To Turn Around And Report Them.

Best Movie Ever?! Come On, My Appearance On Arrested Development Had More Dynamics, Realism And Feel To It Than The Whole Trilogy Combined.

Didn't We Learn Our Lesson From Planet Of The Apes?

I Think I Suffer From Some Mild Depression.

When You're The Director And The Writer, You Never Have To Remember Your Lines, And There's No One To Call You On It. On Garden State I Did Different Lines On Every Take, Just Making Crap Up. And It Was Great Each Time.

If Global Warming Is Such A Bad Thing, Then Why Is It Taking Out All Of Mankind's Competitors? It Just Seems To Me That The Less Species Are Out There, Killing All Our Caribou, The Better.

I Think Slavery Was An Awful, Awful Period In Our History, But When I Look At What's Become Of Black Culture Since Emancipation, I Think You Have To Admit, Maybe The Confederacy Was On To Something

Yeah I Saw An Inconvenient Truth, And I Dont Want To Say It Was Preachy But Let's Not Kid Ourselves, I've Got Far More Important Work To Do

If Nothing Else, I'm Making A Movie That I'll Enjoy.

You Always See Actors Complaining About Being Typecast And Ruining Their Career. Really, I Don't See The Point In Complaining. If The Only Role You Can Play Well Is A Black Dude, You're Never Going To Get Ahead In This Town, And You Should Just Accept It.

Seriously, When's The Last Time You Saw Me Wear Shorts?

I'm Pretty Sure Africa Was Made Up By The Media To Scare People. I Mean, I've Never Seen It. Have You? I Didn't Think So.

A Kid Came Up To Me The Other Day And Said, 'hey, You're The Guy On Scrubs!' Kid, I Am Scrubs, And Don't You Forget It.

I Always Liked The Story Of Noah's Ark And The Idea Of Starting Anew By Rescuing The Things You Like And Leaving The Rest Behind.

Some People Just Can't Handle That They Will Never Be A Better Actor Than Me

When I First Moved To L.a., I Thought About Turning Gay. Then I Realized None Of The Guys I Was Interested In Was Good Enough For Me.

I Find It Hard To Believe That So Many People Doubt The Existence Of God. I Mean, Seriously, I'm Here, So Is It Such A Stretch To Imagine That Another All-powerful Being Could Exist Somewhere In The Universe?

You Want To Know The Secret Of My Success? Let Me Tell You About Eugenics.

I Wouldn't Exactly Call It 'intelligent', But Somebody Has To Be Behind Designing The Human Form Other Than Just Biological Necessity. Why Else Would Women Have Arms? Or Feet? Or Mouths?

People Always Tell Me I Should Run For President, But I Don't Think They'd Give Me Enough Time Off To Make My Films.

In Theater Or Movies You See Either 'i'm Religious' Or 'i'm An Atheist.' I've Never Seen Too Much Discussion Of 'i Believe There's A Higher Power But I'm Hesitant To Reach Out To Him Because I Don't Know If I'm Worthy Of His Attention.

I Was Excited About The Dark Knight Until Heath Ledger Gave Away The Ending, Batman Always Wins.

Every Time I See A Child Walking Down The Street I Like To Trip Them. While They Look For Their Missing Teeth, I Personally Remind Them That No Matter How Hard They Try I Will Always Be Better Than Them.

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Turning Water To Wine? I Mean C'mon, That's Stupid. They Should Have Let Me Write The Bible.

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At First, I Didn't Really Care If Global Warming Existed. But Then I Realized It Means That Less Bums Would Freeze To Death In The Winter

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Ever Since I Was Little It Was Programmed Into Me That London Is Where Great Theatre Occurs And All The Big Shows You Love Start There.

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Complete Garbage. It's Like Garden State, But In Outer Space.

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I Mean, I'm A Writer, Actor, And Director. Not To Rock The Boat Or Anything, But Compare That To A Carpenter And, In The End, Who Is The Better Man?

I Think A Big Part Of Being A Success Is Confidence. Just Look At Me, I Know I'm Successful, And I Am.

In A Perfect World, Everybody Would Be Gay. I Mean If Everybody Looked Like Zach Braff, You Just Wouldn't Be Able To Resist.

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Don't Get Me Started On Cold Toilet Seats.

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They Say The Number On Rule In Showbusiness Is Not To Work With Animals. I Guess I'm Above The Rules Because I Put Up With That For Seven Years.

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I Don't Mind It If Blacks Want Equal Rights, As Long As They Mean Rights Equal To A Dog

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I Actually Did Ponder Doing The Brad Pitt/angelina Jolie Thing And Get A Kid From Ethiopia. But You Know, I Already Have An Ashtray.

I Don't Care About Image And All That Nonsense. I'm In Sweat Pants Every Day. I Don't Play The Game At All.

It's Not That I'm Racist Or Anything, Because I'm Not, But I Just Don't Think We Should Be Wasting Our Time Helping People That Are Going To Die Soon Anyway.

I'm A Film Geek Man. I Love Toys. I Love Everything In Filmmaking, So For Me To Just Be Around This Technology Is Just So Cool To Watch It Being Used For The First Time, Some Of The Stuff.

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There Is One Person I Can Think Of Better Than Me. And That's Zach Braff. What A Cool Guy.

I Really Don't Know Why We Need A Whole Month Dedicated To Blacks. It's Not Like They're The Only Ones That Suffered. I Mean, What About Us Whites? We're The Ones That Have To Deal With These Monkeys Everyday, But You Don't See Us Demanding A Whole Month To Ourselves.

I Once Looked In The Mirror At Myself And Noticed That, Without A Doubt, I Am A Sexy Man. In Fact, I Don't Think I'll Ever Get Married...it Just Wouldn't Be Fair For My Spouse To Catch Me Enjoying A Look In The Mirror More Than Having Sex With Her.

Once Both Gay Marriage And Marijuana Are Finally Legal, Those Of You Against Them Are Not Invited To The Really Fun Parties I'm Gonna Throw.

I Went To Film School And Wanted To Learn Everything There Was About Making Movies.

I Guess Sometimes God Just Needs To Laugh

The Only Women I Publicly Date Are Those Who Have A Higher Imdb Rating Than Me.

I Was Originally Casted To Be In The Superman Movie But I Read The Script And Realized That It Was Mysteriously Similar To My Screenplay For Zach Braff The Movie.

I'm Hanging Out With My New York Friends, My Jersey Boys, My Family And Loving Every Single Second Of It.

I'm Not Actually An Arrogant Guy. It's Just That, Truthfully, Nobody Else Can Really Compare To Me.

I Know That [mike] Tyson Talked About Wanting To Eat His Opponent's Children, But I Don't Think He Ever Had The Balls To Do It. I'm Different - When I Kidnapped Bill Lawrence's Daughter, I Cut Off All Of Her Fingers Before Sending My Demands So That I Wouldn't Have To Sit There And Wait For Him To Ignore Them. We Worked Things About About Nine Hours In, Which Is Good Because I Ate Her Thumb As A Midnight Snack.

Sometimes, I Go To Barnes & Noble With The Sole Intention Of Moving All Copies Of The Bible To The Fiction Section.

I'm Really Not One To Brag, But I Think My Job Is One Of The Most Important Things Someone Can Do With Their Life. I Mean, It Really Gives People A Chance To Live Outside Their Means Through Someone Else's Vision. And I Think That's Something Really Great That I Can Give Back To The Community. Sure I Could Be A Doctor Or A Lawyer, But Do They Really Help Anyone? Sure You Can Save Someone's Life, But Can You Really Change It For The Better? I'm Not Saying Their Jobs Aren't Important, Just Not As Important As Mine.

Sure, They Are The Future Of Our World. Nike And Reebok Need More Factory Workers Every Day.

I Mean, Nobody's Ever Thrown A Big Rock At Me Or My Friends, But We're All Pretty Tough Guys And Could Probably Handle It.

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She Can't Say No If She's Unconscious.

I Think In A Play It's Wise To Just Sit Back And Watch Other Actors And Be Able To Shape It From The Audience.

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People Always Say The God Father Is The #1 Movie Of All Time. But Ask Yourself, Did You See Zach Braff In It....no You Didn't. So Then By Default It Goes To Garden State..and If Youwatch Two Episodes Of Scrubs Back To Back That Counts As The #2.

People Ask Me, 'did The Fame Come Too Fast? Do You Ever Wish For Your Old Life?' I Always Tell Them That There's Nothing On Earth Better Than Being Famous.

I Mean, Some People Accuse Me Of Being Racist. I'm Totally Not, I'm Just Better Than Everybody Else.

I Have A Great Relationship With My Parents. I Have Not Been On Lithium.

Great Relationship

I Think Sports Are Very Beneficial In The Fight Against Obesity. I Remember Playing Little League - I Was The Best Person On The Pitch By A Long Shot. It Was Only Last Weekend Actually, I Think I Have Some Photos Of It If You're Interested.

If I Wasn't An Actor? Hmm, I'd Probably Be A Serial Killer. I'm Just So Damn Likeable, No One Would Ever Suspect Me.

People Have Always Wondered What My Opinion On Stevie Wonder Is. I Say If He's So Great How Come He Can't See? I Mean, God Doesn't Make Mistakes, Just Look At Me For Example.

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You Don't Need An Alarm Clock When You Sleep With 20 Models A Night, One Of Those Broads'll Figure Out That They Better Make Breakfast In Bed Or I'll Kill All Of Them.

Yeah I Thought About Making The Character Of Jd Gay... But Then I Thought, But What About All The Poor Girls Dreams You'll Be Crushing

Actually When I Gave Out The Script, I Gave It With A Cd Of All The Music I Wanted To Put In The Movie, And Again, We Never Thought We'd Get All That Music.

Sometimes I Regret Not Being Catholic. I Think I'd Make A Pretty Good Saint.

I'm Kind Of Jealous Of The Life I'm Supposedly Leading.

The Fact That 'scrubs' Is So Popular In Israel Is Very Important To Me. I Feel Like I'm Helping To Cancel Out The Thousands Of Years Of Oppression The Jewish People Have Suffered.

It's All About Being A Part Of Something In The Community, Socializing With People Who Share Interests And Coming Together To Help Improve The World We Live In.

It's A Give And Take Relationship With My Fans. They Give Me Love And Adoration, And I Take It From Them.

People Compared Garden State To The Graduate, But When Was The Last Time You Saw Dustin Hoffman Doing What I Do?

I Like Hot Dogs. I Like Eggplant. I Like Pizza And Creamed Corn And Beer. But I Don't Like Arabs.

That Hugh Laurie Show Is Nothing But Scrubs Fan Fiction.

Is 'garden State' The Next 'citizen Kane'? Of Course Not. I'd Like To Think We Aimed A Little Higher Than That, Frankly.

It Depresses Me When People Expect Me To Be Like The Characters I Play On Film. I'm Not Some Whiny Loser Punk, I'm A Man's Man.

I Really Do Take More Vacations Than The President. You Can Quote Me On That.

I Mean, Personally, I Would Have Had No Problem Surviving. Come On, How Hard Is It To Swim?

Everyone Has An Idea That They Think Would Be A Great Movie. Everyone Has A Cousin Who They Think You Should Work With.

Well, I'm Not Saying That America Is A Bad Place Or Anything. I Just Think 9/11 Needed To Happen Sooner Or Later.

After All Meat Is Meat. I Don't Understand Why So Many People Are Bithing About It. It's Very Healthy And Contains Lots Of Vitamins

If I Could Change Anything About Garden State, It Would Be To Cast Somebody Else For The Female Lead. Natalie Just Isn't Really That Good Of An Actress. Especially When Compared To Me. Just Watch The Two Of Us, It's Light And Dark. I Am By Far The Better Jew.

I Mean, I Understand That Because They're Disadvantaged That They Deserve Their Own Parking Spots, But Do They Have To Make Them So Wide? I Never Understood How These People Were Allowed To Drive Cars But They Get These Really Neat Chairs With Wheels And They're Still Not Happy, So Instead Of Parking Their Wheelchairs In The Designated Spots, They Upstage Us Normal People And Get The Best Parking Spots With Vehicles That Are Clearly Too Sophisticated For Them To Be Handling. Still, You Should Smile At A Cripple, Because It's The Only Bit Of Happiness They'll Ever Have.

It's Not That George Bush Doesn't Care About Black People, God Made Hurricanes, Not People Who Can't Swim.

You Know, I Think There Should Be A Zach Braff Day. We Could Have It On December 25th And Then People Can Decide Whether They Want To Celebrate Me Or Jesus. If You Ask Me, The Choice Is Pretty Obvious.

I Think There Are Bound To Be Obstacles In Any Path To Success. I Mean, I'm Jewish, And There's Nothing I Can Do About That. Instead Of Sitting Around And Feeling Sorry For Myself, I Got Over It And Did Something With My Life.

The Only Real Difference Between Hookers, Stippers, Sluts And Regualar Women How Many Times You Can Hit Them Before They Cry. Hookers Can Really Take A Punch, I'll Tell You That Much.

I Blame Walt Disney; Well He Has To Find Voice Actors Better Than Me Somehow Doesn't He?

Yea, I Had A Dream Too. Looks Like Mine Came True.

Im Just Not Really Attracted To Black Chicks.

There's A Lot Of Gray Area In The Law. Who Can Say, Without A Doubt, That I Was In The Wrong?

When I Played The Shins, I Changed Someone's Life. When I Play Belle And Sebastian In A Pivotal Scene In My Next Movie...well, Let's Just Say I Made Sure I That I Can't Be Held Legally Responsible For All The Deaths People Will Suffer Out Of Shock Upon Hearing Them. They're A Terrific Band.

I Love The Holiday Season, Almost As Much As I Love Touching Myself In Front Of Orphans.

I Never Go Easy On Kids When I Play Board Games. The Sooner They Learn What The Consequence Of Entering A Competition Is, The Better. If They Win, I Punch Them In The Face Like Any Adult.

I'm Not An Hour Late. You Guys Were Just An Hour Early.

Oh I Love Children, But I Could Never Eat A Whole One.

I'm Not Saying Eating Babies Should Be Legal, But When They're So Delicious, What's The Harm In It? I Don't Know What Tastes Better, Their Innocence Or Their Gooey Rib Butter.

One Of The Things About Scrubs Is That It's About Great Friendships And... As Broad And As Serious As We Get It's Always Really About Friendship. It's About Getting Through The Challenging Parts Of Your Life With The Help Of Your Friends.

It's Just Gods Way Of Getting Babies To Heaven Faster!

My Job As An Actor Has Inspired Generations Of Children To Become Doctors. My Job As A Writer Has Opened Up The Minds Of Millions. My Job As A Director Has Produced Masterpieces That Will Be Taught In Film School For Ages.

Well I Don't Like To Think Too Far Ahead Because It Scares Me A Little To Think Of What This World Will Come To After I'm Gone, But I Suppose Life Will Have To Go On, Right? At Least Everyone Will Still Be Able To Watch Reruns Of Scrubs.

I Like The Punch Beggers And Panhandlers When They Ask Me For Change. I Feel Like I Am Doing My Part To Clean Up The Streets.

If A Benevolent God Exists, So Does Reincarnation. He Wouldn't Send Me Here Just Once.

That Cyclone In Burma? That Was Just Me Doing The Dance To That Annoying Ass Song.

You Always See Black People Complaining About This And That, But You Never See Me Complaining About How Slow They Work On My Plantation.

I'd Really Like To Give Back To The World, But Everything I've Achieved, I've Earned On My Own, So What's The Point?

If You're Dumb Enough To Volunteer For The Army, I Don't See Why We're Supposed To Feel So Bad When You Get Shot. I'm Not Saying We Should Throw A Party Or Anything, But Is It Such A Tragedy? If I'd Gotten Shot Before I Made 'garden State', Yeah, That's A Tragedy, But Some Red-state Hick Getting His Legs Blown Off? Come On.

My Favorite Meal? It Has To Be Furburgers Everyday In The Morning.

I'm Not Sure When Or Why The Tabloid Angle On Me Was Decided That I Am A Cad. I Would Have Much Rather It Had Been That I Am Secretly A Dentist Or That I Love Soup.

I Can't Watch The News Anymore. They Have Their Priorities All Out Of Whack. All I See Is Natalee Holloway And Britney Spears And The War In Iraq. Where's The Substantive News? Where's The Zach Braff Coverage?

Well I Can Understand Why Men Want It To Be Legal. Obviously They're All Hoping They Might Get To Marry Me Someday. I Hate To Burst Their Bubble, But They Should Just Give It Up Now. Zach Braff Doesn't Sway That Way, You Know?

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Yea, He's Alright...but He's No Zach Braff.

I Never Taught A Blind/deaf Chick To Read, But Somehow I've Managed To Turn Scrubs Into A Watchable Show. That May Not Sound Like Much, But Take A Look At My Surrounding Cast And Ask Yourself, Who's The Real Miracle Worker?

Bigger Than The Beatles? Well, How Many Grammys Did They Win? Exactly, None, Yet I Have One, And I've Never Even Released A Cd.

Some People Just Don't Want To Put In The Effort. I Just Show Up And Say Some Lines And I'm Famous. Anyone Living Below The Poverty Line Just Needs To Shape Up Or Be Shipped Out, You Know?

Dude, Writing, Acting And Directing Are Such Easy Jobs. But To Do Them All As Awesomely As Zach Braff Does, Well That... That's Something.

It's... It's Such A Weird Thing. After Garden State, So Many Companies Wanted To Make My Movies, And After The Last Kiss, I Realized People Would Make Anything I Was In. As Long As I Keep This Up I'll Be Swimming In Chubby Indie Girl Pussy.

I Had A Very Funny Family.

It's A Really Fun Hobby To Set Imagery To Music, And Finding The Right Songs For That. Your Favorite Song In The World Might Not Work At All... For One Reason Or Another.

I Certainly Do Not Consider Myself The Next Jesus. I'd Say He Was More Of A Precursor To Zach Braff.

When I Let Some Girl Take Me In Her Mouth I Think This Is What Jesus Must Feel Like During Communion.

I Don't Get Why Arabs Are So Pissed Off At Us. I Mean They Have Enough Oil For All Of Them To Drive A Hummer At What, Maybe 1.50 A Gallon?

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Stephen F. Lynch

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