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I Remember Once I Went To Go See A Movie, And In Front Of Me In Line There Was A Little Boy Who Looked So Eager To See It, Like It Was Christmas Morning. When He Got To The Ticket Booth It Turned Out There Was Only One Ticket Left; The Manager Was There And Wanted To Give It To Me Instead Since I Was Famous. That's When I Knew I'd Hit It Big.

-Zach Braff

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I Remember Once I

Zach Braff

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I Remember Once I Went To Go See A Movie, And In Front Of Me In Line There Was A Little Boy Who Looked So Eager To See It, Like It Was Christmas Morning. When He Got To The Ticket Booth It Turned Out There Was Only One Ticket Left; The Manager Was There And Wanted To Give It To Me Instead Since I Was Famous. That's When I Knew I'd Hit It Big.

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Women Have The Right To Choose What Do With Their Own Bodies. They Can Take It In The Cooch Or In The Pooper. But That's Where Their Right To Choose Stops, In My Opinion.

I Mean, I Understand That Scrubs Was My Big Break, But Sooner Or Later You Have To Move On. I've Already Directed A Movie, Which Received Very Good Reviews, So It Just Seems Much More Important To Me Now. I Feel That In Order To Better Foster My Creativity As An Actor And Director At This Point, I Need To Be Surrounded By Other Talented, Artistic Individuals, Instead Of Just Goofy Comedians.

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First I Took A Crap On The Hooker's Chest, Then I Told Her I'd Pay Her A Thousand Dollars To Eat It. She Was Addicted To Crack, So Of Course She Did It. It Was So Gross, Though, It Made Her Throw Up, So I Said I'd Pay Her Another Thousand To Lick All That Up, Too. She Started To, But For Some Reason She Started Crying As She Was Doing It, Saying, 'i Went To College! I Have A Degree!' Oh Man, It Was Hilarious. I Don't Know If It Was Technically Sex Because I Just Beat Off On Her Face, But Definitely One Of My Most Intense Orgasms.

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There's A Lot Of Gray Area In The Law. Who Can Say, Without A Doubt, That I Was In The Wrong?

My Dog Has A Cough. If You've Never Seen A Dog With A Cough, I Recommend Trying To Find One. It's Hilarious.

It Depresses Me When People Expect Me To Be Like The Characters I Play On Film. I'm Not Some Whiny Loser Punk, I'm A Man's Man.

Every Time I See A Child Walking Down The Street I Like To Trip Them. While They Look For Their Missing Teeth, I Personally Remind Them That No Matter How Hard They Try I Will Always Be Better Than Them.

Maybe That's All That Family Really Is, A Group Of People Who All Miss The Same Imaginary Place.

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I'm Pretty Sure Africa Was Made Up By The Media To Scare People. I Mean, I've Never Seen It. Have You? I Didn't Think So.

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Sure The Jews Killed Jesus, But The Guy Was An Awful Carpenter

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Am I Really Gonna Deny Someone The Opportunity Of A Lifetime Just Because They Met Me 5 Easters Early?

Hitler Was About Population Control.

Population Control

I Have No Desire To Make Money Off Musicians. I Just Want To Promote Them Because I Want To Share Music.

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I Mean, What's Eleven Million People Now Days?

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I Blame Walt Disney; Well He Has To Find Voice Actors Better Than Me Somehow Doesn't He?

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I Never Go Looking For Child Pornography, But I Mean, If Somebody Sends Me An Email With Some Pictures, I'm Not Going To Turn Around And Report Them.

Yea, I Had A Dream Too. Looks Like Mine Came True.

It's Funny When I Read The Tabloids And They're Reporting On Only A Fraction Of The Life I'm Leading.

I Think They're Bogus, Honestly. How Utter Garbage Like Crash And Million Dollar Baby Can Win Best Picture, Where True Works Of Art Such As Garden State Go Untouched Is Beyond Me. It Just Proves How Close-minded America Really Is, And I Refuse To Take Part In It.

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I Know I Probably Should Be Sad About My Mother's Cancer... But She Still Hasn't Seen The Last Kiss, You Know?

The Fact That 'scrubs' Is So Popular In Israel Is Very Important To Me. I Feel Like I'm Helping To Cancel Out The Thousands Of Years Of Oppression The Jewish People Have Suffered.

I Mean, I Know Thousands Of People Died And Everything, But If It Happened Today, There's Just No Excuse. They'd Be Much Safer Inside A Movie Theater Watching One Of My Movies Instead Of Burning Alive In A Collapsing Skyscraper.

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I'm Sick Of People Saying I Hate Blacks, Women, And Gays. It's False And Slanderous. Everyone Who Knows Me Knows I Hate The Chinese.

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I Love Queers As Much As The Next Guy, I Just Don't Think I Should Have To Sit Beside Them On Public Transport.

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Didn't We Learn Our Lesson From Planet Of The Apes?

I Really Like Just Super Dry Comedy.

I Always Wanted To Direct Movies. That's What I Set Out To Do. When I Was A Little Kid I Just Dreamed Of Making Movies, And I Went To Film School [at Northwestern University].

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Everyday I Question Myself. I Look In The Mirror, Or Read One Of My Scripts, Or I Reflect On My Acting And I Say To Myself 'that Was Good...but Was It Zach Braff Good?' Lets Just Say Things Have Been Looking Pretty Zach Braff So Far.

I'm Not Saying I Hate Jews, I'm Just Saying That I Think They Shouldn't Be Alive Any More.

Honestly, The Only Way Garden State Could Have Been Better Was If I Played Every Character. I'm Awesome.

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I Don't Think It's That Bad, I Mean, I Love People Following Me Around And Helping Me Do Stuff.

I Had No Interest In Sports So I Didn't Make Friends In That Traditional Way Where Kids Are In Public School And They Go And They Join Clubs, And Play Sports. So I Kind Of Had To Find My Own Way To Make Friends And Get Attention And So I Just Was The Class Clown.

It's A Give And Take Relationship With My Fans. They Give Me Love And Adoration, And I Take It From Them.

I'm Not The Kind Of Person Who Digs Through Things Other People Have Thrown Away.

I Guess Sometimes God Just Needs To Laugh

I Don't Ask Questions. I Just Figure The Extra Warm Days Are God's Way Of Rewarding Me For Garden State

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The Way I Write Is That I'll Actually Have A Conversation Out Loud With Myself. In A Weird Way, I Just Kind Of Get Schizophrenic And Play Two Characters.

It's All About Being A Part Of Something In The Community, Socializing With People Who Share Interests And Coming Together To Help Improve The World We Live In.

I'd Really Like To Give Back To The World, But Everything I've Achieved, I've Earned On My Own, So What's The Point?

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A Kid Came Up To Me The Other Day And Said, 'hey, You're The Guy On Scrubs!' Kid, I Am Scrubs, And Don't You Forget It.

When You're The Director And The Writer, You Never Have To Remember Your Lines, And There's No One To Call You On It. On Garden State I Did Different Lines On Every Take, Just Making Crap Up. And It Was Great Each Time.

I Love 'scrubs.' It's The Best Day Job In The World.

You Know, I Think There Should Be A Zach Braff Day. We Could Have It On December 25th And Then People Can Decide Whether They Want To Celebrate Me Or Jesus. If You Ask Me, The Choice Is Pretty Obvious.

It's Really Hard To Find Parts That Challenge Me As An Actor These Days. At This Point In My Career, I Feel Like I Can Just Sleepwalk Through Most Of My Roles And Still Do A Better Job Than 90 Percent Of The Actors Out There.

I Mean, Some People Accuse Me Of Being Racist. I'm Totally Not, I'm Just Better Than Everybody Else.

I Never Really Understood All The Hype, Until I Got One Of My Own.

I've Turned Down A Lot Of Proposed Scripts For Scrubs Episodes, Mainly Ones With Aids Patients. It Sickens Me, Really. If You Don't Want Aids, Don't Be A Ice Cream Man. Or African. I'm Neither And I'm Fine.

I Like To Think Of Myself As The Chris Benoit Of The Movie Industry, Capable Of Taking Any Picture And Carrying It To Box-office Success. Take Garden State, Without Me That Would Have Just Been Two Hours Of Portman Doging.

I Mean, Personally, I Would Have Had No Problem Surviving. Come On, How Hard Is It To Swim?

Seriously, When's The Last Time You Saw Me Wear Shorts?

I've Always Preferred Marvel Over Dc. I Just Relate To Their Characters Better. I Mean Look At Wolverine, At First He Was Just A Bit Player In An Ensemble Cast. Now He's The Only Reason People Read X-men. Just Like Me And Scrubs.

I Mean, I'm A Writer, Actor, And Director. Not To Rock The Boat Or Anything, But Compare That To A Carpenter And, In The End, Who Is The Better Man?

Yeah, I've Banged Some Female Costars. I Swore I'd Never Tell Their Names, So Instead I'll Present Some Anagrams: Sahar Clahke And Haether Gharam.

People Always Say The God Father Is The #1 Movie Of All Time. But Ask Yourself, Did You See Zach Braff In It....no You Didn't. So Then By Default It Goes To Garden State..and If Youwatch Two Episodes Of Scrubs Back To Back That Counts As The #2.

It Has Been Pretty Much Downhill Ever Since The 13th Amendment

I Like To Drop In On People Who Picked On Me In High School Or Whatever, Just Out Of The Blue, And Chat With Them To See How They Think Of Me Now That I'm A Big Star. Usually They're A Lot Nicer. After About Half An Hour, I Excuse Myself To Go To The Bathroom, And Leave A Few Dvds Or Pictures There. Then When I Come Out, I Say Good-bye And Leave. Then I Call The Cops.

Well, I'm Not Saying That America Is A Bad Place Or Anything. I Just Think 9/11 Needed To Happen Sooner Or Later.

My Favorite Meal? It Has To Be Furburgers Everyday In The Morning.

Yeah I Thought About Making The Character Of Jd Gay... But Then I Thought, But What About All The Poor Girls Dreams You'll Be Crushing

Yeah I Saw An Inconvenient Truth, And I Dont Want To Say It Was Preachy But Let's Not Kid Ourselves, I've Got Far More Important Work To Do

People Compared Garden State To The Graduate, But When Was The Last Time You Saw Dustin Hoffman Doing What I Do?

I Really Do Take More Vacations Than The President. You Can Quote Me On That.

I'd Like To Think That My Scripts Are More Significant Than Maybe The Bible Or The Book That The Jews Use, Whatever It's Called. And That's Only When I'm Having An Off Day.

I Don't Belive Oprah's Sexual Abuse Stories, I Mean Who Would Take A Black Girl When There Are Plenty Of White?

I'm Kind Of Jealous Of The Life I'm Supposedly Leading.

My Co-stars Aren't Bad Actors, But They're No Zach Braff.

If I Wasn't An Actor? Hmm, I'd Probably Be A Serial Killer. I'm Just So Damn Likeable, No One Would Ever Suspect Me.

People Are Always Going To Find Fault With Anything You Do, Any Process That You're A Part Of. The Creative Process Means Taking Risks, I've Taken Risks And I've Made Mistakes, But The Bottom Line Is, Could Anyone Else Have Done Any Better ? I Have To Believe That What I Created Was Worthwhile.

When I Think About The Holidays, I Think About The Salvation Army Guys Ringing Bells In Front Of Stores. They're Always So Nice To You And They're Always Willing To Give A Heart To Heart Conversation. They Actually Bear The Winter Cold To Ask For Your Petty Cash With A Smile On Their Face. Fudge Those Guys.

People Often Ask Me When There's Going To Be A Mrs. Zach Braff. It's A Confusing Question Sometimes Because Many People Don't Realize That My Mother Is Named Mrs. Zach Braff.

I Think There Are Bound To Be Obstacles In Any Path To Success. I Mean, I'm Jewish, And There's Nothing I Can Do About That. Instead Of Sitting Around And Feeling Sorry For Myself, I Got Over It And Did Something With My Life.

If You're Dumb Enough To Volunteer For The Army, I Don't See Why We're Supposed To Feel So Bad When You Get Shot. I'm Not Saying We Should Throw A Party Or Anything, But Is It Such A Tragedy? If I'd Gotten Shot Before I Made 'garden State', Yeah, That's A Tragedy, But Some Red-state Hick Getting His Legs Blown Off? Come On.

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Minutes To Learn, A Lifetime To Master. People Just Don't Understand That

The Success Of 'scrubs' Allowed Me To Pursue Anything I Felt Passionately About Without Having To Worry About Money. It Allowed Me To Spend My Summer Work Shopping My Show At A Nonprofit Theater.

I Never Taught A Blind/deaf Chick To Read, But Somehow I've Managed To Turn Scrubs Into A Watchable Show. That May Not Sound Like Much, But Take A Look At My Surrounding Cast And Ask Yourself, Who's The Real Miracle Worker?

Most People Just Aren't Grateful For The Lives They Have, And It Really Saddens Me. For Instance, I Said 'hello' To A Man The Other Day, And He Didn't Even Recognize Me. It Just Really Saddens Me.

The Best Way To Travel Abroad Is To Live With The Locals.

I'm Not Actually An Arrogant Guy. It's Just That, Truthfully, Nobody Else Can Really Compare To Me.

When You Win Your First Grammy, It's True, You Really Want To Thank All The Little People.

Complete Garbage. It's Like Garden State, But In Outer Space.

I Remember Once I Went To Go See A Movie, And In Front Of Me In Line There Was A Little Boy Who Looked So Eager To See It, Like It Was Christmas Morning. When He Got To The Ticket Booth It Turned Out There Was Only One Ticket Left; The Manager Was There And Wanted To Give It To Me Instead Since I Was Famous. That's When I Knew I'd Hit It Big.

I'm Not An Hour Late. You Guys Were Just An Hour Early.

When I Played The Shins, I Changed Someone's Life. When I Play Belle And Sebastian In A Pivotal Scene In My Next Movie...well, Let's Just Say I Made Sure I That I Can't Be Held Legally Responsible For All The Deaths People Will Suffer Out Of Shock Upon Hearing Them. They're A Terrific Band.

I Was Kosher Until I Had My Bar Mitzvah, And I Parlayed Officially Becoming A Man Into Telling My Father I Wanted To Eat Cheeseburgers.

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Bill Sienkiewicz

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