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South African Schoolchildren Set A World Record This Week By Creating The World's Longest Clothesline. Hey, What Do South Africans Wash Their Clothes With? Apar-tide!

-Dennis Miller

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South African Schoolchildren Set

Dennis Miller

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South African Schoolchildren Set A World Record This Week By Creating The World's Longest Clothesline. Hey, What Do South Africans Wash Their Clothes With? Apar-tide!

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I Think Abortion's Wrong, But It's None Of My Business To Tell Somebody What's Wrong, He Said. So I'm Pro-choice. I Want To Keep My Nose Out Of Other People's Personal Business. I Guess I Fall Into Conservative When It Comes To Protecting The United States In A World Where A Lot Of People Hate The United States.

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Let Me Use Their Own Terminology Against Them. They Aborted A Child In The 200th Trimester.

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The White House Again Refused To Turn Over Discussions Vice President Cheney Had With Enron Officials Over Energy Policy. Cheney Said If He Had To Disclose Every Time Some Business Donated A Ton Of Money Then Came In To Write Its Own Policy To Govern Itself, He Wouldn't Get Any Work Done.

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Democratic Candidate John Kerry On Tuesday Chose Fellow Senator John Edwards To Be His Running Mate. Asked About Edwards' Lack Of Foreign Policy Experience, Kerry Revealed His New Campaign Slogan, 'i Promise Not To Die.'

I Come From That Earlier Time In America When Palm Pilot Was A Nickname You Recieved Upon Entering Puberty! I Was More Than A Palm Pilot I Was The Palm Chuck Jager. Tom Wolfe Wrote A Book About Me Called The Right Hand Stuff. I Was The Only Guy In My Class Hip Enough To Move To The European Grip.

Michael Moore Simultaneously Represents Everything I Detest In A Human Being And Everything I Feel Obligated To Defend In An American. Quite Simply, It Is That Stupid Moron's Right To Be That Utterly, Completely Wrong.

The Very Definition Of The Innate Hollowness Of Leading A Political Life When You End Up On Your Nearest And Dearest Moments Or Most Personal Evenings With Donors. That Should - That Should Tell You All You Need To Know About The Ramble That Is Politics.

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Yeah, This Country's Founding Fathers Are A Bunch Of Dead Rich White Men, But They Did Set Things Up So You Could Come And Sit At The Table, So Don't Piss In The Finger Bowls, All Right? Thank You. In Return For Unfettered Economic Opportunity And No Government Death Squads, Try To Get Along With Your New Stepmotherland, And Don't Be Resentful If There's A Set Of House Rules Already In Place.

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South African Schoolchildren Set A World Record This Week By Creating The World's Longest Clothesline. Hey, What Do South Africans Wash Their Clothes With? Apar-tide!

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I Haven't Seen Someone So Overmatched Since Mike Tyson Tried To Recite The Alphabet.

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In Regards To Oral Roberts' Claim That God Told Him That He Would Die Unless He Received $20 Million By March, God's Lawyers Have Stated That Their Client Has Not Spoken With Roberts For Several Years. Off The Record, God Has Stated That 'if I Had Wanted To Ice The Little Toad, I Would Have Done It A Long Time Ago.

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Human Beings Are Human Beings. They Say What They Want, Don't They? They Used To Say It Across The Fence While They Were Hanging Wash. Now They Just Say It On The Internet.

I Don't Need To Be Born Again. I Got It Right The First Time.

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He Lasted About As Long As The Dessert Tray At Rosie O'donnell's House.

I'm Sorry, Those Pictures From The Abu Ghraib. At First, They, Like Infuriated Me, I Was Sad. Then Like, A Couple Days Later, After They Cut The Guy's Head Off, They Didn't Seem Like Much. And Now, I Like To Trade Them With My Friends.

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Somebody Call Janet Reno - I Think I Just Saw Donato Dragging Doug Flutie Into A Locker Room Closet!

Political Correctness Is Inverted Mccarthyism.

Half The People I Look Who Are Health Food Addicts Look Sickly To Me. Let's Start Taxing Health Food. Somebody Force A Burger Down Some Of These People's Jaw Because They Look A Little Pale And Wan To Me.

The Aclu Spent This Entire Holiday Season Protesting Public Displays Of The Nativity Scene. Yeah, That's The Problem With America Right Now: Public Displays Of Christ's Birth, That's The Problem. It's Unbelievable To Me. The Aclu Will No Longer Fight For Your Right To Put Up A Nativity Scene, But They'll Fight For The Right Of The Local Freak Who Wants To Stumble Onto The Scene And Have Sex With One Of The Sheep.

It's A Cocktail-party Circuit In D.c., That Guy Who Couldn't Master The Guitar And Get In A Band And Get Laid, He Ends Up There. Gary Condit Make Sense To Me. He's Away From His Family, He's In D.c. - If He Was A Car Dealer In The [san Fernando] Valley Somewhere Out There, He'd Be The Guy Who Was Trying To Get Laid By Offering You The Free Undercoating Package.

The Government Could Take Away All The Drugs In The World And People Would Spin Around On Their Lawns Until They Fell Down And Saw God.

And By The Way, My Belief Is That If Men Were The Ones Getting Pregnant, Abortions Would Be Easier To Get Than Food Poisoning In Moscow.

Martha Stewart Denied Allegations That She Had Been Given Inside Information To Sell 4,000 Shares Of A Stock In A Biotech Firm. Stewart Then Showed Her Audience How To Make A Festive, Quick-burning Yule Log Out Of Freshly-shredded Financial Documents.

The Punt Returner Got Smacked Like Nancy Kerrigan's Knee On Souvenir Pipe Night.

A Recent Police Study Found That You're Much More Likely To Get Shot By A Fat Cop If You Run.

And Quit Bringing Up Our Forefathers And Saying They Were Civil Libertarians. Our Founding Fathers Would Have Never Tolerated Any Of This Crap. For God's Sake, They Were Blowing Peoples' Heads Off Because They Put A Tax On Their Breakfast Beverage. And It Wasn't Even Coffee.

The Quarterback's Spending So Much Time Behind The Center That He May Jeopardize His Right To Lead A Boy Scout Troop.

If Bill Gates Is Worth $30 Billion Then A Good Haircut Must Cost $31 Billion

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I Think The People Can Bash Catholics Because They Know Catholics Won't Kill Them. Quite Frankly, There's Some Religions Out There, You Bash And They're Going To Kill You.

I Think [ann Coulter] Understands That, She's Pavlov's Dog. She Gets The Corn Kernel If She Hits That Drum Once In A While.

What Is Guilt? Guilt Is The Pledge Drive Constantly Hammering In Our Heads That Keeps Us From Fully Enjoying The Show. Guilt Is The Reason They Put The Articles In Playboy.

My Fear Of Flying Starts As Soon As I Buckle Myself In And Then The Guy Up Front Mumbles A Few Unintelligible Words Then Before I Know It I'm Thrust Into The Back Of My Seat By Acceleration That Seems Way Too Fast And The Rest Of The Trip Is An Endless Nightmare Of Turbulence, Of Near Misses. And Then The Cabbie Drops Me Off At The Airport.

Twitter! Never Have Lives Been Less Lived And More Chronicled!

So Who's The Big Red Menace Nowadays? Cuba. That's It? I'm Sorry, But It's Hard To Whip Up Any Us Against Them Nationalist Fervor About A Country Whose Principal Export Is Citizens Who Can Swim.

Wouldn't It Be Great If All Of Osama Bin Laden's Money Was Tied Up In Enron Stock?

Osama Bin Laden

Forbes Magazine Has Named Mel Gibson This Year's Most Powerful Celebrity. ... Forbes' Least Powerful Celebrity? [miller Displayed The Widely Circulated Image From The Lynndie England Photographs Of A Hooded Iraqi Prisoner With Wires Attached To His Outstretched Arms] You're Looking At Him. Screw This Guy. ... [he's A] Bad Guy.

The American Education System Couldn't Be More Badly Directed Or Poorly Funded If The Secretary Of Education Were Ed Wood.

American Education System

Liberals Should Not Overplay This Weapons Of Mass Destruction Card, Because You Want Me To Tell You The Truth? Most Of Us Are Not Going To Care If They Don't Find These Weapons Of Mass Destruction. It's Enough For A Lot Of Us To See Those Kids Smiling On That Street Again.

Mass Destruction

That Field Goal Attempt Was So Far To The Left It Nearly Decapitated Lyndon Larouche.

It's Ironic That In Our Culture Everyone's Biggest Complaint Is About Not Having Enough Time; Yet Nothing Terrifies Us More Than The Thought Of Eternity.

There Will Be Select Instances Where The Consumer Is Interested In Paying For Premium Content. I Think It Will Be Difficult To Get People To Pay For Something On The Internet That They Can Find Elsewhere On The Internet For Free.

If Some Unemployed Punk In New Jersey, Can Get A Cassette To Make Love To Elle Mcpherson For $19.95, This Virtual Reality Stuff Is Going To Make Crack Look Like Sanka.

I Haven't Seen Anyone Rely On The Ground Game This Much Since The Battle Of Verdun.

There's No More Delicious Irony On The Face Of The Earth Than Environmental Protesters Being Led Away In Plastic Handcuffs That Have A Biodegradability Horizon Line Of, Like, 40,000 Years.

Elected Office Holds More Perks Than Elvis' Nightstand.

We've Got Nancy Pelosi. She Never Shuts Up. It's Just Occasionally We Have To Hood Her Like A Falcon So We Can Get Some Sleep.

Joan Rivers Telling Lauren Bacall Her Dress Is All Wrong Is Like Carrot Top Telling Lenny Bruce He Needs To Get An Edge.

Jack Kerouac Was Cool Because He Had No Idea He Was.

I'm Extremely Moved By The Loving, Caring Relationship The President Always Seems To Have With His Imaginary Son.

The Soldiers Kill Suicide Bombers. Think About That. When A Guys Whole Thing In Life Is To Kill Himself And You Get There First... You Are Halling Ass My Friends.

Laughter Is One Of The Great Beacons In Life Because We Don't Refract It By Gunning It Through Our Intellectual Prism. What Makes Us Laugh Is A Mystery - An Involuntary Response.

Of *course* He Needs To Renegotiate His Salary - The Guy Buys More Snow Than Seward Did When He Bought Alaska From The Russians.

I'd Rather Be Funny Than Wise.

If Clinton Had Only Attacked Terrorism As Much As He Attacks George Bush We Wouldn't Be In This Problem.

The Good Thing About Pittsburgh, It's A Good Place To Be Raised... It Doesn't Tolerate Assholes. You're Either A Good Guy Or You're A Bad Guy... When I'm In Los Angeles Having These Incredibly Surreal Moments Where Nobody's Saying Anything And Everybody's Talking Incessantly, I Always Have That Pittsburgh Voice In My Head - Shut Up, Smile, Get The Job, Move On.

How Do We Know For Sure That No Two Snowflakes Are The Same - We Haven't Got Anybody Watching.

The Claim That Somehow Raw Foods Give You Better Energy, Are More Healthful, Improve Your Immune System And All Of That Is Simply Not Substantiated. And Moreover, It's Not Biologically Plausible.

I Cannot Tell You How Proud Watching That [iraqi] War Coverage Makes Me. I Know A Lot Of People Are Saying That They Think That It's, That You Know What We're Doing Is Imperialistic. I Watch The Way We Handle Ourselves Over There And I've Never Felt More Patriotic In My Life.

And I Know Your Next Move, I Watch You So Much, 'there's Been No Proven Link Between The Secular State Of Iraq And Al-qaeda!' Come On. They Both Think We're Satan. Isn't That A Nice Starting Point? Why Are You So Loathe To Believe They Might Have Each Other On Lunatic Speed Dial?

Growing Up, My Family Wasn't Very Tight. We Were More Like A Tour Group With Secrets.

Big Deal, So He Scored. The Last Time I Saw Someone Dance Like That I Had To Pay Her $20 And Have My Pants Dry Cleaned The Next Day.

Teresa Lewis, The Only Woman On Death Row In Virginia, Says She Doesn't Deserve The Death Penalty Because She Only Hired The Killers Of Her Husband And Stepson, She Didn't Actually Pull The Trigger Herself. You Know, She Has A Point. I Think We Should Let Her Be Able To Hire The Person Who Executes Her, And Not Do Yourself In! How's That, Doll? Yeah! Get It Over With Quick, Maybe Charlize Theron Will Sign Up To Play You.

Trends Don't Mean Anything To Me. If I Like Something, I'll Do It. If I Don't, I Won't Do It, And I Wouldn't Care If Everybody In The Country Mocked Me.

Nothing Ruins The Mood During Foreplay More Than The Recurring Image Of Your Sixty-five-year-old Homeroom Teacher Trying To Stretch A Condom Over A Cucumber.

I Preume There Are Far Too Many Abortions Performed In This Country. And I Also Believe That At The End Of The Day, As Much As I Might Disapprove, None Of Them Are Really Any Of My Business.

And Finally, And Most Importantly, The Next Time We Go To War, Don't Give A Specific Reason For The War That The Left Can Seize Upon And Later Flog Us With It Ad Nauseam, Just Do It. Remember, The First Rule Of Fight Club Is That You Don't Talk About Fight Club.

Hey, Cunningham - Andy Warhol Called. You're At 14:55 And We're Tickin' Big-time Here, Chachi.

It's Nice To Be Included In The Broadcast Food Chain.

There's A Lot Of Differing Data [about Global Warming], But As Far As I Can Gather, Over The Last Hundred Years The Temperature On This Planet Has Gone Up 1.8 Degrees. Am I The Only One Who Finds That Amazingly Stable? I Could Go Back To My Hotel Room Tonight And Futz With The Thermostat For Three To Four Hours. I Could Not Detect That Difference.

Bad Television Is Three Things: A Bullet Train To A Morally Bankrupt Youth, A Slow Spiral Into An Intellectual Void, And Of Course, A Complete Blast To Watch.

In View Of All The Deadly Computer Viruses That Have Been Spreading Lately, Weekend Update Would Like To Remind You: When You Link Up To Another Computer, You're Linking Up To Every Computer That That Computer Has Ever Linked Up To.

After September 11th, Freedom Of Speech In America Has Become A Topic That's Touchier Than A Vatican Summer Camp.

Freedom Of Speech

What's So Touching Is The Way We Fight The War Right Until The Moment Our Business Is Taken Care Of And Then We Turn On A Dime And We Immediately Start Taking Care Of People. It's Like A Shock And Aw Shucks Campaign.

I've Seen Better Coverage At An Alan Keyes Press Conference.

Police In Washington D.c. Are Now Using Cameras To Catch Drivers Who Go Through Red Lights. Many Congressmen This Week Opposed The Use Of The Red Light Cameras Incorrectly Assuming They Were Being Used For Surveillance At Local Brothels.

If You Could Use The Internet Somehow To See How A Fiji Sailor Is Doing, Rather Than Having To Read A Text Version Of It Somewhere A Day Later, That Would Be Great.

Why Should I Hate Someone On The Basis Of Their Religion, When I Can Take A Little Time To Get To Know Them And Hate Them For A Myriad Of Real Reasons.

I Find It Shocking That Anybody Can Be Brought Down In D.c. For Gossip, Ostensibly. I Thought That Was The Coin Of The Realm There. That's Like Getting Hit With Lightning On A Cloudless Day.

You Know There Is A Problem With The Education System When You Realize That Out Of The 3 R's Only One Begins With An R.

Is It Just Me, Or Are The 49ers Doing An Awful Lot Of Ass-patting Today?

A Recent Conversation: Dubya: Look At The Clock, Time Is Racing! Cheney: That's The Second Hand, George.

Tv Evangelists Say They Don't Favor Any Particular Denomination, But I Think We've All Seen Their Eyes Light Up At Tens And Twenties.

The Current Tax Code Is Harder To Understand Than Bob Dylan Reading Finnegans Wake In A Wind Tunnel.

Think Of Iraq As "east Korea," Because It Was A Shoot The Cuffs War For The Edification Of Kim Jong Il To Let Him Know We've Now Circled The Suvs. Iraq Was About Breaking Adhesions, Getting Lean, Staying Frosty - In Short, Getting Ready For The Big Doug Macarthur Memorial Cage Match To Come.

Technology Is Fine. . ., But That Popular Vision Of The Future, Where You Plug Somebody In And Leave Them There And They Don't Get Out And Interact With Actual Flesh-and-blood Humans - You Know The Answer Before I Say It - That's Not Good.

Visions Of The Future

Ouch! And Marino Goes Down Quicker Than His Boonesfarm-infused Sister In The Back Of My '68 Cutlass On Our First Date After Watching 'love Story' At The Drive-in.

By And Large, I Think It Should Be A Rule In The Teacher Employment Manual That You Can't Go Attend Any Event Where If You Took Your Classroom On A Student Field Trip, They Would Summarily Be Obliterated. That Should Be Rule No. 1.

The Nazi Signs Have Got To Stop. If You're In A Peace March And The Guy Next To You Has A Sign Saying That 'bush Is Hitler,' Forget The Peace Thing For A Second And Beat His Ass, Because He Is Not Hitler.

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