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Nothing Ruins The Mood During Foreplay More Than The Recurring Image Of Your Sixty-five-year-old Homeroom Teacher Trying To Stretch A Condom Over A Cucumber.

-Dennis Miller

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Nothing Ruins The Mood

Dennis Miller

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Nothing Ruins The Mood During Foreplay More Than The Recurring Image Of Your Sixty-five-year-old Homeroom Teacher Trying To Stretch A Condom Over A Cucumber.

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What's So Touching Is The Way We Fight The War Right Until The Moment Our Business Is Taken Care Of And Then We Turn On A Dime And We Immediately Start Taking Care Of People. It's Like A Shock And Aw Shucks Campaign.

I'm Left On A Lot Of Things. If Two Gay Guys Want To Get Married, I Could Care Less. If A Nut Case From Overseas Wants To Blow Up Their Wedding, That's When I'm Right.

Everybody Is Full Of Crap. The Coin Of The Realm Is Being Full Of Crap. The Best People - Being Full Of Crap Are Our Leaders And Our Superstars.

Trends Don't Mean Anything To Me. If I Like Something, I'll Do It. If I Don't, I Won't Do It, And I Wouldn't Care If Everybody In The Country Mocked Me.

If Bill Gates Is Worth $30 Billion Then A Good Haircut Must Cost $31 Billion

I Don't Need To Be Born Again. I Got It Right The First Time.

I Don't Have Credibility, I'm A Comedian. I'm Not Ed Murrow Up On The Roof In A London Fog Reporting On The Blitz.

Nowadays, With History Not Being Taught Anymore In American Public Schools, Self-esteem Is Taking Its Place.

Now, Personally, I Am Baffled By The Concept Of Racial Prejudice. Why Hate Someone Based On The Color Of Their Skin When, If You Take The Time To Get To Know Them As A Human Being, You Can Find So Many Other Things To Hate Them For?

The Democrats Continue To Snipe At Bush. They'll Never Give It Up To Him. You Know Teddy Kennedy And Tom Daschle Pick More Nits Than A Father And Son Spider Monkey Team Who Know They're Being Followed By A National Geographic Film Crew.

Is It Just Me, Or Are The 49ers Doing An Awful Lot Of Ass-patting Today?

I Come From That Earlier Time In America When Palm Pilot Was A Nickname You Recieved Upon Entering Puberty! I Was More Than A Palm Pilot I Was The Palm Chuck Jager. Tom Wolfe Wrote A Book About Me Called The Right Hand Stuff. I Was The Only Guy In My Class Hip Enough To Move To The European Grip.

Xenophobia Doesn't Benefit Anybody Unless You're Playing High-stakes Scrabble.

What Do You Expect From A Culture And A Nation That Exerted More Of Its National Will Fighting Against Disney World And Big Macs Than The Nazis?

That Secondary Provides Worse Coverage Than A Guatemalan Hmo.

We Are Simultaneously The Most Hated, Loved, Feared And Admired Nation On This Planet. In Short, We Are Frank Sinatra.

When You're Sharing A Mud Hole With A Wildebeest Derriere In Sub-saharan Africa, That's A Living Hell.

The White House Looked Into A Plan That Would Allow Illegal Immigrants To Stay In The United States. The Plan Called For A Million Mexicans To Marry A Million Of Our Ugliest Citizens.

The Only Way The French Are Going In Is If We Tell Them We Found Truffles In Iraq.

Pat Buchanan Is So Homo-phobic, He Blames Global Warming On The Aids Quilt.

Ray Lewis Knifed Through Those Offensive Linemen Like A Sucker-punch Switchblade Slicing Between The Ribs Of Some Inebriated Trash-talking Punk Outside A Sports Bar.

Democratic Candidate John Kerry On Tuesday Chose Fellow Senator John Edwards To Be His Running Mate. Asked About Edwards' Lack Of Foreign Policy Experience, Kerry Revealed His New Campaign Slogan, 'i Promise Not To Die.'

After 7 Years Of Marriage, I Am Sure Of 2 Things: First, Never Wallpaper Together And Second, You'll Need 2 Bathrooms . . . Both For Her. The Rest Is A Mystery, But A Mystery I Love To Be Involved In.

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To Me, Nature Always Appears More Unbalanced Than Gary Busey With A Clogged Eustachian Tube.

I Have Sympathy For Any Human Being That's Driven By Their Limbic Part Of Their Brain. We All Know That Exists In A Person.

Now, I Don't Want To Get Off On A Rant Here, But Guilt Is Simply God's Way Of Letting You Know That You're Having Too Good A Time.

And Quit Bringing Up Our Forefathers And Saying They Were Civil Libertarians. Our Founding Fathers Would Have Never Tolerated Any Of This Crap. For God's Sake, They Were Blowing Peoples' Heads Off Because They Put A Tax On Their Breakfast Beverage. And It Wasn't Even Coffee.

Some People Like M&ms Plain, And Some People Like Them With Nuts.

Campaign Analysts Say That Dean Has Produced The Most Innovative Web Site In This Year's Presidential Race. I Particularly Like Today's Blog, Which Consisted Of The Sentence 'i Hate Myself,' Typed Four Billion Times. In Dean's Case, This May Be The First Instance Where The Actually Entity Represented By The Web Site Has Crashed More Often Than The Site Did.

That Receiver Was As Wide Open As Annabel Chong.

Ah, Feminism In The Nineties, What A What Is Yours What Is Mine Field.

Technology Is Fine. . ., But That Popular Vision Of The Future, Where You Plug Somebody In And Leave Them There And They Don't Get Out And Interact With Actual Flesh-and-blood Humans - You Know The Answer Before I Say It - That's Not Good.

Visions Of The Future

Hey Deion, Bubbelah - Maybe You'd Better Pay A Little Less Attention To Those Unfairly Draconian Salary Caps That Only Allowed You To Acquire Four Of The Five Remaining 1932 Aston Martins Still In Road-worthy Condition After You'd Paid For Life's Little Necessities Like Hookers And Weed, Get Your Medulla Oblongata Out Of Your Duodenum For A Few Milliseconds, And Make A Tackle Or Two, Okay, Babe?

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Ouch! And Marino Goes Down Quicker Than His Boonesfarm-infused Sister In The Back Of My '68 Cutlass On Our First Date After Watching 'love Story' At The Drive-in.

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Collective Unconscious

Only Man Is A Narcissistic Enough Species To Think That A Highly Evolved Alien Life Force Would Travel Across Billions And Billions Of Light-years- A Group Of Aliens So Intelligent, So Insouciant, So Utterly Above It All, They Feel No Need Whatsoever To Equip Their Spacecraft With Windows So That They Can Gaze Out On All That Celestial Beauty-but Then Immediately Upon Landing, Their First Impulse Is To Get In Some Hick's Ass With A Flashlight.

I Have A Nice House. And When Somebody Says It's A Palace, I Always Feel Like We're Digging A Little Or Something.

I'm Extremely Moved By The Loving, Caring Relationship The President Always Seems To Have With His Imaginary Son.

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I'd Rather Be Funny Than Wise.

It's Nice To Be Included In The Broadcast Food Chain.

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Political Correctness Is Inverted Mccarthyism.

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Elected Office Holds More Perks Than Elvis' Nightstand.

Now I Don't Have Anything Against Mexican People, But For God's Sakes, Sign The Gust Book On The Way In.

But The Biggest Fake Of The Year, Paul Begala's Last Smile

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Guilt Is The Reason They Put The Articles In Playboy.

That Punt Was Higher Than Marion Berry On A Fact-finding Tour Of Cartagena.

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That Field Goal Attempt Was So Far To The Left It Nearly Decapitated Lyndon Larouche.

Born Again?! No, I'm Not. Excuse Me For Getting It Right The First Time.

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Growing Up, My Family Wasn't Very Tight. We Were More Like A Tour Group With Secrets.

They Have An Amazing Proliferation Of Tv Channels Now: The All-cartoon Channel, The 24-hour-science Fiction Channel. Of Course, To Make Room For These They Got Rid Of The Literacy Channel And The What's Left Of Civilization Channel.

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We Need Anything Politically Important Rationed Out Like Pez: Small, Sweet, And Coming Out Of A Funny, Plastic Head.

Everybody Has To Sell Out At Some Point To Make A Living.

Detroit's So Bad This Year They Might Lose Their Bye Week.

It's Ironic That In Our Culture Everyone's Biggest Complaint Is About Not Having Enough Time; Yet Nothing Terrifies Us More Than The Thought Of Eternity.

I Think We Have To Help The Helpless. The Clueless? I Don't Give A Rat's Ass About The Clueless.

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The Nazi Signs Have Got To Stop. If You're In A Peace March And The Guy Next To You Has A Sign Saying That 'bush Is Hitler,' Forget The Peace Thing For A Second And Beat His Ass, Because He Is Not Hitler.

Now Let Me Get This Straight. Bush Is Anti-abortion, But Pro-death Penalty. I Guess It's All In The Timing, Huh?

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Mass Destruction

Bad Television Is Three Things: A Bullet Train To A Morally Bankrupt Youth, A Slow Spiral Into An Intellectual Void, And Of Course, A Complete Blast To Watch.

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For The Foreseeable Future, We're Going To Need Oil Products Because I Don't Like The Idea Of Hydrogen Cars. I'm Not Sure I Want To Be Cruising Around A Mall Parking Lot Filled With A Thousand Mini-hindenburgs.

Other Than The Bombs They Strap To Their Chests, Ive Got No Idea What Makes The Palestinians Tick.

Women Don't Like Guys Who Are Dangerous. Women Just Want Us To Think That Because Women Are Trying To Kill Us.

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I Have The Distinction Of Speaking To You From One Of The Few Countries That Still Has A Communist Party.

I Like Money. It's Fun To Fold And Stack And Smell And Look At. It's Just Plain Fun To Count Money, And I Often Do It In A Loud Falsetto While Wearing Nothing But A Captain's Hat And A Coin Changer.

The American Education System Couldn't Be More Badly Directed Or Poorly Funded If The Secretary Of Education Were Ed Wood.

American Education System

If I Want Low-impact Aerobics, I'll Masturbate. If I Want High-impact Aerobics, I'll Masturbate Again.

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What Is Guilt? Guilt Is The Pledge Drive Constantly Hammering In Our Heads That Keeps Us From Fully Enjoying The Show. Guilt Is The Reason They Put The Articles In Playboy.

Lotto Fever Hit New York Again This Week, And Like The Old Saying Goes, 'you Gotta Be In It To Win It'... But First, You Gotta Have A Dead End Job So Pathetic You're Willing To Kill Five Hours Standing In Line For A 1 In 25 Million Chance.

Funny Inspirational

The Cowboy's Defense Has More Holes In It Than Ronny Milsapp And Jose Feliciano After A Game Of Lawn Darts.

It's Your Living Room, It's Your Life, Go Nuts. You Like Home Improvement? Tape It And Go Over It Like It's The Zapruder Film.

I'll Say This About The War Protesters: At Least Most Of Them Are Only Putting Duct Tape Across Their Mouths So I Can Still Tell The Rest Of Them To Blow It Out Their Ass.

Their Offense Is Shakier Than Katherine Hepburn After An All-night Espresso Bender At Starbucks.

Hey, Cunningham - Andy Warhol Called. You're At 14:55 And We're Tickin' Big-time Here, Chachi.

Of Course, That's Just My Opinion. I Could Be Wrong.

I'm Sorry, Those Pictures From The Abu Ghraib. At First, They, Like Infuriated Me, I Was Sad. Then Like, A Couple Days Later, After They Cut The Guy's Head Off, They Didn't Seem Like Much. And Now, I Like To Trade Them With My Friends.

That Kid's Got An Arm Like Uncle Fester At An Exhibition Of Pre-colombian... Um, Christ, I Lost It. I Was Going For Something Thick. So What's With The Beard, Grizzly Fouts?

I Think [ann Coulter] Understands That, She's Pavlov's Dog. She Gets The Corn Kernel If She Hits That Drum Once In A While.

The Government Could Take Away All The Drugs In The World And People Would Spin Around On Their Lawns Until They Fell Down And Saw God.

America May Be The Best Country In The World, But That's Kind Of Like Being The Valedictorian Of Summer School.

The Mexican People I Know Seem To Respect The Country In A Way That Many Spoiled Brats Who Were Born Here Don't. So Come On Over Folks, The More The Merrier. But Please, Sign The Guest Book On The Way In.

The Patriots Deflated Balls Are But An Allegory For America's Deflated Balls In Dealings With Putin, The Mullahs In Iran, And Islamic Terrorists.

We Should Fight To Preserve A Country Where People Such As Michael Moore Get To Miss The Point As Badly As He Misses It. Michael Moore Represents Everything I Detest In A Human Being.

You Know There Is A Problem With The Education System When You Realize That Out Of The 3 R's Only One Begins With An R.

The American Auto Industry Is Blowing Up Like A 1976 Ford Pinto.

[the Internet] ... Is An Amazing Communications Tool That's Bringing The Whole World Together. I Mean, You Sit Down To Sign On To America Online In Your Hometown, And It's Just Staggering To Think That At The Same Moment, Halfway Around The World, In China, Someone You've Never Met Is Sitting At Their Computer, Hearing The Exact Same Busy Signal That You're Hearing.

Homosexuals Are Entering The Mainstream, Because They're Becoming As Boring And As Tedious As Any Other Splinter Group.

My Fear Of Flying Starts As Soon As I Buckle Myself In And Then The Guy Up Front Mumbles A Few Unintelligible Words Then Before I Know It I'm Thrust Into The Back Of My Seat By Acceleration That Seems Way Too Fast And The Rest Of The Trip Is An Endless Nightmare Of Turbulence, Of Near Misses. And Then The Cabbie Drops Me Off At The Airport.

Just Be Good And Kind To Your Children. Not Only Are They The Future Of The World, They're The Ones Who Can Sign You Into The Nursing Home.

I Don't Know About You, But In My Neighborhood, They Just Opened A Starbucks... In A Starbucks!!!

Somebody Call Janet Reno - I Think I Just Saw Donato Dragging Doug Flutie Into A Locker Room Closet!

Two Wrongs May Not Make A Right, But A Thousand Wrongs Make A Writer.

Sometimes You Just Have The Thin The Herd.

So Who's The Big Red Menace Nowadays? Cuba. That's It? I'm Sorry, But It's Hard To Whip Up Any Us Against Them Nationalist Fervor About A Country Whose Principal Export Is Citizens Who Can Swim.

How Many Of Those Dead Animals You See On The Highway Are Suicides?

I Haven't Seen Someone So Overmatched Since Mike Tyson Tried To Recite The Alphabet.

Hey, What If Those Crop Circles Are Just Ads For Target?

Parenting Is The Easiest Job To Get - You Just Have To Screw Up Once And It's Yours.

There's A Lot Of Differing Data [about Global Warming], But As Far As I Can Gather, Over The Last Hundred Years The Temperature On This Planet Has Gone Up 1.8 Degrees. Am I The Only One Who Finds That Amazingly Stable? I Could Go Back To My Hotel Room Tonight And Futz With The Thermostat For Three To Four Hours. I Could Not Detect That Difference.

American's Could Be Any More Self Absorbed If They Were Made Of Equal Parts Water And Paper Towel.

Jack Kerouac Was Cool Because He Had No Idea He Was.

Americans Stick Their Nose Where It Doesn't Belong More Than Cyrano De Bergerac Giving Head.

By And Large, I Think It Should Be A Rule In The Teacher Employment Manual That You Can't Go Attend Any Event Where If You Took Your Classroom On A Student Field Trip, They Would Summarily Be Obliterated. That Should Be Rule No. 1.

And By The Way, My Belief Is That If Men Were The Ones Getting Pregnant, Abortions Would Be Easier To Get Than Food Poisoning In Moscow.

It's Foolish To Be Prejudiced. There Are So Many Reasons To Hate People On An Individual Basis.

It Takes Zero Politically Correct People To Screw In A Lightbulb Because They Are Perpetually In The Dark.

It's Wrong To Discriminate Based On Skin Color When There Are So Many Other Reasons Not To Like Someone.

Why Should I Hate Someone On The Basis Of Their Religion, When I Can Take A Little Time To Get To Know Them And Hate Them For A Myriad Of Real Reasons.

After September 11th, Freedom Of Speech In America Has Become A Topic That's Touchier Than A Vatican Summer Camp.

Freedom Of Speech

Maybe Democrats Will Eventually Turn On Obamacare When They Realize You Might Need A Photo I.d. To Participate In The Program.

South African Schoolchildren Set A World Record This Week By Creating The World's Longest Clothesline. Hey, What Do South Africans Wash Their Clothes With? Apar-tide!

Wouldn't It Be Great If All Of Osama Bin Laden's Money Was Tied Up In Enron Stock?

Osama Bin Laden

A Recent Conversation: Dubya: Look At The Clock, Time Is Racing! Cheney: That's The Second Hand, George.

The Second Type You Have At These Parades Seems To Be The People Who Want To Mislabel Hitler. Everybody In The World Is Hitler. Bush Is Hitler, Ashcroft Is Hitler, Rumsfeld Is Hitler. The Only Guy Who Isn't Hitler Is The Foreign Guy With A Mustache Dropping People Who Disagree With Him Into The Wood Chipper. He's Not Hitler.

Just Put Down 9/11... I Think, On Most Things I'm Liberal, Except On Defending Ourselves And Keeping Half The Money. Those Things I'm Kind Of Conservative On.

I've Seen Better Coverage At An Alan Keyes Press Conference.

I Went To The Un And Even The Guidebook Was Spineless.

The Next Time You Get The Urge To Shut Somebody Up Because They Don't See The World Exactly The Same Way You Do, Take A Deep Breath, Get Out Your Bill Of Rights, And Count To The Ten Amendments.

I Think Abortion's Wrong, But It's None Of My Business To Tell Somebody What's Wrong, He Said. So I'm Pro-choice. I Want To Keep My Nose Out Of Other People's Personal Business. I Guess I Fall Into Conservative When It Comes To Protecting The United States In A World Where A Lot Of People Hate The United States.

Nervous? He's Tighter Than Pat Buchanan's Sphincter Muscle At A 4th Of July Soiree On Fire Island.

Tv Evangelists Say They Don't Favor Any Particular Denomination, But I Think We've All Seen Their Eyes Light Up At Tens And Twenties.

The World Is So Ass-backwards It Almost Makes You Wish You Were Dyslexic.

Check Out The Helmet Hair On Randy Moss, Babe! He Looks Like Some Freakish Anti-mr. T After A Long Evening Sleeping Through 'aida.'

I Like The Show [factor] Because It's Horny, But It's Not Skeevy. Where Else Are You Going To Get That Nowadays?

I Rant, Therefore I Am

How Do We Know For Sure That No Two Snowflakes Are The Same - We Haven't Got Anybody Watching.

The Current Tax Code Is Harder To Understand Than Bob Dylan Reading Finnegans Wake In A Wind Tunnel.

Listen, The Weather Is Just Like Hillary's Explanation For Her War Vote: We Just Don't Know, Do We?

There Is A Chalk Outline Slowly Being Drawn Around Common Sense And Most People Can't Identify The Victim.

Concussion? How The Hell Can They Tell? They're *football* Players, For Chrissakes!

Everyone Wants Answers And Wants To Know What The Timeline Is. Unfortunately, It's A Complex Situation, And We Don't Have The Final Answers Yet.

I Find It Shocking That Anybody Can Be Brought Down In D.c. For Gossip, Ostensibly. I Thought That Was The Coin Of The Realm There. That's Like Getting Hit With Lightning On A Cloudless Day.

I'm Glad I Don't Have A Lot Of Money In The Market. And Quite Frankly, You'd Be Better Off Giving Your Money To A Colorblind Roulette Addict Than Put It In The Stock Market.

He Lasted About As Long As The Dessert Tray At Rosie O'donnell's House.

If Some Unemployed Punk In New Jersey, Can Get A Cassette To Make Love To Elle Mcpherson For $19.95, This Virtual Reality Stuff Is Going To Make Crack Look Like Sanka.

Human Beings Are Human Beings. They Say What They Want, Don't They? They Used To Say It Across The Fence While They Were Hanging Wash. Now They Just Say It On The Internet.

Companionate Conservatism - Making The Streets Safer Before People Are Kicked Out Onto Them.

There's Nothing Wrong With Being Shallow As Long As You're Insightful About It.

Long Distance Relationship

The Very Definition Of The Innate Hollowness Of Leading A Political Life When You End Up On Your Nearest And Dearest Moments Or Most Personal Evenings With Donors. That Should - That Should Tell You All You Need To Know About The Ramble That Is Politics.

Never Ever Discount The Idea Of Marriage. Sure, Someone Might Tell You That Marriage Is Just A Piece Of Paper. Well, So Is Money, And What's More Life-affirming Than Cold, Hard Cash?

Liberals Always Feel Your Pain. Unless Of Course, They Caused It.

I'm Like Bush, I See The World More Like Checkers Than Chess.

Al Gore Couldn't Be More Phony If He Were A Professional Al Gore Impersonator

Then People Ask Me If I'm Worried About The Effects Of Global Warming On My Kids. Well, Obviously I Love My Kids And I Want Them To Live To Be A 100. So That's Another 1.8. My Kids' Kids? Three Point Six. I'll Just Tell Them We Moved To Phoenix.

And Finally, And Most Importantly, The Next Time We Go To War, Don't Give A Specific Reason For The War That The Left Can Seize Upon And Later Flog Us With It Ad Nauseam, Just Do It. Remember, The First Rule Of Fight Club Is That You Don't Talk About Fight Club.

In The Late Twentieth Century, Staying Sober Has Become Just As Much An Addiction As Getting Wasted.

President Bush Gave His First-ever Presidential Radio Address In Both English And Spanish. Reaction Was Mixed, However, As People Were Trying To Figure Out Which One Was Which.

The Way I've Always Governed My Life As Far As Fiscal Policy Goes Is I'm Smart Enough To Know That I'm Dumb About It, So I Surround Myself With Smart People In Much The Same Way A Hole Surrounds Itself With A Doughnut. I Just Pay Things Off. That's All I Do.

I Think The American Legal System Sucks Worse Than A Celine Dion Cover Version Of Whole Lotta Love.

Most Americans Will Let Liberals And Conservatives Play Their Games Because Most Americans Don't Pay Attention.

Look, We're Americans: Optimistic, Addicted To The Quick Fix, Constantly On The Hunt For The New And Exotic. It's Much Easier For Us To Accept A Guy With A Big White Beard Hawking His Own Custom Blend Of Saw Palmetto And Squirrel Dandruff That It Is To Hear A Real Doctor Telling Us To Lay Off The Big Macs, And Get Off Our Fat Asses And Take A Walk Every Decade Or So.

I'm A Comedian, For God's Sake. Viewers Shouldn't Trust Me. And You Know What? They're Hip Enough To Know They Shouldn't Trust Me. I'm Just Doing Stand-up Comedy.

I've Grown Fonder For Hillary Clinton Since She Ran For The Presidency. I Think That It's Emblematic Of The Rolling Stones Song, You Can't Always Get What You Want, I.e., The Grail. Sometimes You Get What You Need. And Whatever She's Gotten Over The Last Couple Of Years, Being Humbled Or Be It Being Humbled And See The Proletariat Come To Bat For Her, Getting Outside Of The Bubble, Getting Out Of This Man's Shadow, Not Quite Getting The Job She Wants But A Great Wonk Job.

The Punt Returner Got Smacked Like Nancy Kerrigan's Knee On Souvenir Pipe Night.

The Average American's Day Planner Has Fewer Holes In It Than Ray Charles's Dart Board.

I Preume There Are Far Too Many Abortions Performed In This Country. And I Also Believe That At The End Of The Day, As Much As I Might Disapprove, None Of Them Are Really Any Of My Business.

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