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Now, I Don't Want To Get Off On A Rant Here, But Guilt Is Simply God's Way Of Letting You Know That You're Having Too Good A Time.

-Dennis Miller

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Now, I Don't Want

Dennis Miller

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Now, I Don't Want To Get Off On A Rant Here, But Guilt Is Simply God's Way Of Letting You Know That You're Having Too Good A Time.

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Of *course* He Needs To Renegotiate His Salary - The Guy Buys More Snow Than Seward Did When He Bought Alaska From The Russians.

I Have Sympathy For Any Human Being That's Driven By Their Limbic Part Of Their Brain. We All Know That Exists In A Person.

Technology Is Fine. . ., But That Popular Vision Of The Future, Where You Plug Somebody In And Leave Them There And They Don't Get Out And Interact With Actual Flesh-and-blood Humans - You Know The Answer Before I Say It - That's Not Good.

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Guilt Is The Reason They Put The Articles In Playboy.

The American Education System Couldn't Be More Badly Directed Or Poorly Funded If The Secretary Of Education Were Ed Wood.

American Education System

A Lot Of People Voting For Pat Buchanan Say They Are Doing So To Send A Message. Apparently That Message Is, 'hey, Look At Me, I'm An Idiot.'

That Kid's Got An Arm Like Uncle Fester At An Exhibition Of Pre-colombian... Um, Christ, I Lost It. I Was Going For Something Thick. So What's With The Beard, Grizzly Fouts?

That Secondary Provides Worse Coverage Than A Guatemalan Hmo.

Michael Moore Simultaneously Represents Everything I Detest In A Human Being And Everything I Feel Obligated To Defend In An American. Quite Simply, It Is That Stupid Moron's Right To Be That Utterly, Completely Wrong.

Their Offense Is Shakier Than Katherine Hepburn After An All-night Espresso Bender At Starbucks.

Lotto Fever Hit New York Again This Week, And Like The Old Saying Goes, 'you Gotta Be In It To Win It'... But First, You Gotta Have A Dead End Job So Pathetic You're Willing To Kill Five Hours Standing In Line For A 1 In 25 Million Chance.

Funny Inspirational

We Should Fight To Preserve A Country Where People Such As Michael Moore Get To Miss The Point As Badly As He Misses It. Michael Moore Represents Everything I Detest In A Human Being.

I'm A Tad Paranoid. I Think The Person In Front Of Me Is Following Me The Long Way Round.

It's Nice To Be Included In The Broadcast Food Chain.

Ouch! And Marino Goes Down Quicker Than His Boonesfarm-infused Sister In The Back Of My '68 Cutlass On Our First Date After Watching 'love Story' At The Drive-in.

The Very Definition Of The Innate Hollowness Of Leading A Political Life When You End Up On Your Nearest And Dearest Moments Or Most Personal Evenings With Donors. That Should - That Should Tell You All You Need To Know About The Ramble That Is Politics.

That Punt Was Higher Than Marion Berry On A Fact-finding Tour Of Cartagena.

Parenting Is The Most Important Job On The Planet Next To Keeping Gary Busey Off The Nation's Highways.

Only Man Is A Narcissistic Enough Species To Think That A Highly Evolved Alien Life Force Would Travel Across Billions And Billions Of Light-years- A Group Of Aliens So Intelligent, So Insouciant, So Utterly Above It All, They Feel No Need Whatsoever To Equip Their Spacecraft With Windows So That They Can Gaze Out On All That Celestial Beauty-but Then Immediately Upon Landing, Their First Impulse Is To Get In Some Hick's Ass With A Flashlight.

Human Beings Are Human Beings. They Say What They Want, Don't They? They Used To Say It Across The Fence While They Were Hanging Wash. Now They Just Say It On The Internet.

The Radical Right Is So Homophobic That They're Blaming Global Warming On The Aids Quilt.

Hey, What If Those Crop Circles Are Just Ads For Target?

Somebody Call Janet Reno - I Think I Just Saw Donato Dragging Doug Flutie Into A Locker Room Closet!

We Are Simultaneously The Most Hated, Loved, Feared And Admired Nation On This Planet. In Short, We Are Frank Sinatra.

And I Know Your Next Move, I Watch You So Much, 'there's Been No Proven Link Between The Secular State Of Iraq And Al-qaeda!' Come On. They Both Think We're Satan. Isn't That A Nice Starting Point? Why Are You So Loathe To Believe They Might Have Each Other On Lunatic Speed Dial?

Xenophobia Doesn't Benefit Anybody Unless You're Playing High-stakes Scrabble.

The Claim That Somehow Raw Foods Give You Better Energy, Are More Healthful, Improve Your Immune System And All Of That Is Simply Not Substantiated. And Moreover, It's Not Biologically Plausible.

I Don't Know About You, But In My Neighborhood, They Just Opened A Starbucks... In A Starbucks!!!

What Do You Expect From A Culture And A Nation That Exerted More Of Its National Will Fighting Against Disney World And Big Macs Than The Nazis?

I've Seen Better Coverage At An Alan Keyes Press Conference.

Just Be Good And Kind To Your Children. Not Only Are They The Future Of The World, They're The Ones Who Can Sign You Into The Nursing Home.

The American Auto Industry Is Blowing Up Like A 1976 Ford Pinto.

Elected Office Holds More Perks Than Elvis' Nightstand.

If I Want Low-impact Aerobics, I'll Masturbate. If I Want High-impact Aerobics, I'll Masturbate Again.

I Think The People Can Bash Catholics Because They Know Catholics Won't Kill Them. Quite Frankly, There's Some Religions Out There, You Bash And They're Going To Kill You.

When I Went To College, I Lived On Campus, And The Guys I Hung Out With Made The Characters In Revenge Of The Nerds Look Like The Rat Pack In 1962. I, Myself Made That Kid Booger Look Like Remington Steele.

And Quit Bringing Up Our Forefathers And Saying They Were Civil Libertarians. Our Founding Fathers Would Have Never Tolerated Any Of This Crap. For God's Sake, They Were Blowing Peoples' Heads Off Because They Put A Tax On Their Breakfast Beverage. And It Wasn't Even Coffee.

It's Wrong To Discriminate Based On Skin Color When There Are So Many Other Reasons Not To Like Someone.

Detroit's So Bad This Year They Might Lose Their Bye Week.

Everybody Has To Sell Out At Some Point To Make A Living.

It's Ironic That In Our Culture Everyone's Biggest Complaint Is About Not Having Enough Time; Yet Nothing Terrifies Us More Than The Thought Of Eternity.

I'll Say This About The War Protesters: At Least Most Of Them Are Only Putting Duct Tape Across Their Mouths So I Can Still Tell The Rest Of Them To Blow It Out Their Ass.

I'm Sorry, Those Pictures From The Abu Ghraib. At First, They, Like Infuriated Me, I Was Sad. Then Like, A Couple Days Later, After They Cut The Guy's Head Off, They Didn't Seem Like Much. And Now, I Like To Trade Them With My Friends.

Any Time Your Parent Says They Party With You, That Is Its Own Form Of Child Abuse.

At Some Point You Cannot Be The Kid In The Glass Bubble In This World. You Might've Heard Throughout Your Grade School And High School Years That It Was A Safe, Nice, Warm, Fair, Feeling Place... But It Can Get Brutal When It Gets Competitive. Especially When You Succeed. Watch The Detractors Come Out Of The Walls At That Point.

Everybody Is Full Of Crap. The Coin Of The Realm Is Being Full Of Crap. The Best People - Being Full Of Crap Are Our Leaders And Our Superstars.

[the Internet] ... Is An Amazing Communications Tool That's Bringing The Whole World Together. I Mean, You Sit Down To Sign On To America Online In Your Hometown, And It's Just Staggering To Think That At The Same Moment, Halfway Around The World, In China, Someone You've Never Met Is Sitting At Their Computer, Hearing The Exact Same Busy Signal That You're Hearing.

The Average American's Day Planner Has Fewer Holes In It Than Ray Charles's Dart Board.

And I've Always Been Paranoid. I Can Remember As A Baby My Mother Would Spin The Mobile Above My Head And Thinking..."yeah, That's Coming Down."

The Patriots Deflated Balls Are But An Allegory For America's Deflated Balls In Dealings With Putin, The Mullahs In Iran, And Islamic Terrorists.

I'm Left On A Lot Of Things. If Two Gay Guys Want To Get Married, I Could Care Less. If A Nut Case From Overseas Wants To Blow Up Their Wedding, That's When I'm Right.

Yeah, This Country's Founding Fathers Are A Bunch Of Dead Rich White Men, But They Did Set Things Up So You Could Come And Sit At The Table, So Don't Piss In The Finger Bowls, All Right? Thank You. In Return For Unfettered Economic Opportunity And No Government Death Squads, Try To Get Along With Your New Stepmotherland, And Don't Be Resentful If There's A Set Of House Rules Already In Place.

The Current Tax Code Is Harder To Understand Than Bob Dylan Reading Finnegans Wake In A Wind Tunnel.

What's So Touching Is The Way We Fight The War Right Until The Moment Our Business Is Taken Care Of And Then We Turn On A Dime And We Immediately Start Taking Care Of People. It's Like A Shock And Aw Shucks Campaign.

Bill Gates Is Just A Monocle And A Persian Cat Away From Being One Of The Bad Guys In A James Bond Movie.

And By The Way, My Belief Is That If Men Were The Ones Getting Pregnant, Abortions Would Be Easier To Get Than Food Poisoning In Moscow.

The Only Way The French Are Going In Is If We Tell Them We Found Truffles In Iraq.

Let Me Use Their Own Terminology Against Them. They Aborted A Child In The 200th Trimester.

Seems To Me We Move The Furniture, The French Come In Later And Put The Doilies On Top Of It...it's A Simple Fact They've Always Been Reluctant To Surrender To The Wishes Of Their Friends And Are Almost Anticipatory In Their Urge To Surrender To Wishes Of Their Enemies. And If They Want To Get Their Hands Dirty Now They're Just Gonna Have To Run 'em Through Their Own Hair.

One Man's Voltaire Is Another Man's Screech.

The Second Type You Have At These Parades Seems To Be The People Who Want To Mislabel Hitler. Everybody In The World Is Hitler. Bush Is Hitler, Ashcroft Is Hitler, Rumsfeld Is Hitler. The Only Guy Who Isn't Hitler Is The Foreign Guy With A Mustache Dropping People Who Disagree With Him Into The Wood Chipper. He's Not Hitler.

If Some Unemployed Punk In New Jersey, Can Get A Cassette To Make Love To Elle Mcpherson For $19.95, This Virtual Reality Stuff Is Going To Make Crack Look Like Sanka.

Ray Lewis Knifed Through Those Offensive Linemen Like A Sucker-punch Switchblade Slicing Between The Ribs Of Some Inebriated Trash-talking Punk Outside A Sports Bar.

Nothing Ruins The Mood During Foreplay More Than The Recurring Image Of Your Sixty-five-year-old Homeroom Teacher Trying To Stretch A Condom Over A Cucumber.

Look, We're Americans: Optimistic, Addicted To The Quick Fix, Constantly On The Hunt For The New And Exotic. It's Much Easier For Us To Accept A Guy With A Big White Beard Hawking His Own Custom Blend Of Saw Palmetto And Squirrel Dandruff That It Is To Hear A Real Doctor Telling Us To Lay Off The Big Macs, And Get Off Our Fat Asses And Take A Walk Every Decade Or So.

Branson, Missouri, Is Vegas For People With No Teeth.

There's A Lot Of Differing Data [about Global Warming], But As Far As I Can Gather, Over The Last Hundred Years The Temperature On This Planet Has Gone Up 1.8 Degrees. Am I The Only One Who Finds That Amazingly Stable? I Could Go Back To My Hotel Room Tonight And Futz With The Thermostat For Three To Four Hours. I Could Not Detect That Difference.

I Cannot Tell You How Proud Watching That [iraqi] War Coverage Makes Me. I Know A Lot Of People Are Saying That They Think That It's, That You Know What We're Doing Is Imperialistic. I Watch The Way We Handle Ourselves Over There And I've Never Felt More Patriotic In My Life.

Liberals Should Not Overplay This Weapons Of Mass Destruction Card, Because You Want Me To Tell You The Truth? Most Of Us Are Not Going To Care If They Don't Find These Weapons Of Mass Destruction. It's Enough For A Lot Of Us To See Those Kids Smiling On That Street Again.

Mass Destruction

Laughter Is One Of The Great Beacons In Life Because We Don't Refract It By Gunning It Through Our Intellectual Prism. What Makes Us Laugh Is A Mystery - An Involuntary Response.

Never Ever Discount The Idea Of Marriage. Sure, Someone Might Tell You That Marriage Is Just A Piece Of Paper. Well, So Is Money, And What's More Life-affirming Than Cold, Hard Cash?

The Cowboy's Defense Has More Holes In It Than Ronny Milsapp And Jose Feliciano After A Game Of Lawn Darts.

The Punt Returner Got Smacked Like Nancy Kerrigan's Knee On Souvenir Pipe Night.

I Think The American Legal System Sucks Worse Than A Celine Dion Cover Version Of Whole Lotta Love.

President Bush Gave His First-ever Presidential Radio Address In Both English And Spanish. Reaction Was Mixed, However, As People Were Trying To Figure Out Which One Was Which.

It's Foolish To Be Prejudiced. There Are So Many Reasons To Hate People On An Individual Basis.

Nowadays, With History Not Being Taught Anymore In American Public Schools, Self-esteem Is Taking Its Place.

Tv Evangelists Say They Don't Favor Any Particular Denomination, But I Think We've All Seen Their Eyes Light Up At Tens And Twenties.

Of Course, That's Just My Opinion. I Could Be Wrong.

I Used To Be Sceptic, But Not Anymore, Because Now I Am Positive That I'm Getting Screwed.

Then People Ask Me If I'm Worried About The Effects Of Global Warming On My Kids. Well, Obviously I Love My Kids And I Want Them To Live To Be A 100. So That's Another 1.8. My Kids' Kids? Three Point Six. I'll Just Tell Them We Moved To Phoenix.

I Rant, Therefore I Am

I Had Fun Pretending To Be A Sportscaster. People Always Think That Was A Down Thing For Me. I Had The Best Job In Sports Broadcasting For Two Years.

Martha Stewart Denied Allegations That She Had Been Given Inside Information To Sell 4,000 Shares Of A Stock In A Biotech Firm. Stewart Then Showed Her Audience How To Make A Festive, Quick-burning Yule Log Out Of Freshly-shredded Financial Documents.

And Finally, And Most Importantly, The Next Time We Go To War, Don't Give A Specific Reason For The War That The Left Can Seize Upon And Later Flog Us With It Ad Nauseam, Just Do It. Remember, The First Rule Of Fight Club Is That You Don't Talk About Fight Club.

After 7 Years Of Marriage, I Am Sure Of 2 Things: First, Never Wallpaper Together And Second, You'll Need 2 Bathrooms . . . Both For Her. The Rest Is A Mystery, But A Mystery I Love To Be Involved In.

On Thursday, A Passenger Forced His Way Into The Cockpit Of A United Airlines Flight From Miami, But Was Subdued After The Co-pilot Hit Him With A Small Ax. Good To See Our Airlines Are Being Kept Secure By The Latest In 12th Century Technology.

Now I Don't Have Anything Against Mexican People, But For God's Sakes, Sign The Gust Book On The Way In.

I've Grown Fonder For Hillary Clinton Since She Ran For The Presidency. I Think That It's Emblematic Of The Rolling Stones Song, You Can't Always Get What You Want, I.e., The Grail. Sometimes You Get What You Need. And Whatever She's Gotten Over The Last Couple Of Years, Being Humbled Or Be It Being Humbled And See The Proletariat Come To Bat For Her, Getting Outside Of The Bubble, Getting Out Of This Man's Shadow, Not Quite Getting The Job She Wants But A Great Wonk Job.

The Mexican People I Know Seem To Respect The Country In A Way That Many Spoiled Brats Who Were Born Here Don't. So Come On Over Folks, The More The Merrier. But Please, Sign The Guest Book On The Way In.

I Like The Show [factor] Because It's Horny, But It's Not Skeevy. Where Else Are You Going To Get That Nowadays?

It's Your Living Room, It's Your Life, Go Nuts. You Like Home Improvement? Tape It And Go Over It Like It's The Zapruder Film.

Hey Deion, Bubbelah - Maybe You'd Better Pay A Little Less Attention To Those Unfairly Draconian Salary Caps That Only Allowed You To Acquire Four Of The Five Remaining 1932 Aston Martins Still In Road-worthy Condition After You'd Paid For Life's Little Necessities Like Hookers And Weed, Get Your Medulla Oblongata Out Of Your Duodenum For A Few Milliseconds, And Make A Tackle Or Two, Okay, Babe?

The Easiest Job In The World Has To Be Coroner. Surgery On Dead People. What's The Worst Thing That Could Happen? If Everything Went Wrong, Maybe You'd Get A Pulse.

Now, I Don't Want To Get Off On A Rant Here, But Guilt Is Simply God's Way Of Letting You Know That You're Having Too Good A Time.

The Death Penalty Is Becoming A Way Of Life In This Country.

Pat Buchanan Is So Homo-phobic, He Blames Global Warming On The Aids Quilt.

Everyone Wants Answers And Wants To Know What The Timeline Is. Unfortunately, It's A Complex Situation, And We Don't Have The Final Answers Yet.

The Democrats Continue To Snipe At Bush. They'll Never Give It Up To Him. You Know Teddy Kennedy And Tom Daschle Pick More Nits Than A Father And Son Spider Monkey Team Who Know They're Being Followed By A National Geographic Film Crew.

How Do We Know For Sure That No Two Snowflakes Are The Same - We Haven't Got Anybody Watching.

The Good Thing About Pittsburgh, It's A Good Place To Be Raised... It Doesn't Tolerate Assholes. You're Either A Good Guy Or You're A Bad Guy... When I'm In Los Angeles Having These Incredibly Surreal Moments Where Nobody's Saying Anything And Everybody's Talking Incessantly, I Always Have That Pittsburgh Voice In My Head - Shut Up, Smile, Get The Job, Move On.

Other Than The Bombs They Strap To Their Chests, Ive Got No Idea What Makes The Palestinians Tick.

The World Is So Ass-backwards It Almost Makes You Wish You Were Dyslexic.

Jerry Falwell Says That Abortion And Homosexuality Are Sins. Oh Yeah? Well, So Is Gluttony, Jerry. So Maybe You Should Think About Dropping 50 Pounds.

The Way I've Always Governed My Life As Far As Fiscal Policy Goes Is I'm Smart Enough To Know That I'm Dumb About It, So I Surround Myself With Smart People In Much The Same Way A Hole Surrounds Itself With A Doughnut. I Just Pay Things Off. That's All I Do.

The Soldiers Kill Suicide Bombers. Think About That. When A Guys Whole Thing In Life Is To Kill Himself And You Get There First... You Are Halling Ass My Friends.

Warner Had More Hands In His Face Than An Ob-gyn Delivering Vishnu's Triplets!

In View Of All The Deadly Computer Viruses That Have Been Spreading Lately, Weekend Update Would Like To Remind You: When You Link Up To Another Computer, You're Linking Up To Every Computer That That Computer Has Ever Linked Up To.

Dennis Kucinich's Politics Are More Scrambled Than Rod Steiger's Dream Journal.

In The Late Twentieth Century, Staying Sober Has Become Just As Much An Addiction As Getting Wasted.

America May Be The Best Country In The World, But That's Kind Of Like Being The Valedictorian Of Summer School.

Two Wrongs May Not Make A Right, But A Thousand Wrongs Make A Writer.

Somebody Can Say They Don't Understand Why Somebody Drifts. But I've Always Found People Who Drift Interesting, 'cause It Shows Me The Game's Not Stagnant In Their Own Head. They're Thinking.

I Don't Have Credibility, I'm A Comedian. I'm Not Ed Murrow Up On The Roof In A London Fog Reporting On The Blitz.

To Me, Nature Always Appears More Unbalanced Than Gary Busey With A Clogged Eustachian Tube.

I Don't Need To Be Born Again. I Got It Right The First Time.

What Is Guilt? Guilt Is The Pledge Drive Constantly Hammering In Our Heads That Keeps Us From Fully Enjoying The Show. Guilt Is The Reason They Put The Articles In Playboy.

A Recent Conversation: Dubya: Look At The Clock, Time Is Racing! Cheney: That's The Second Hand, George.

Why Is Electricity So Expensive These Days? Why Does It Cost So Much For Something I Can Make With A Balloon And My Hair?

There's Nothing Wrong With Being Shallow As Long As You're Insightful About It.

Long Distance Relationship

Should I Really Care What Kind Of Beer Frogs Recommend?

The Government Could Take Away All The Drugs In The World And People Would Spin Around On Their Lawns Until They Fell Down And Saw God.

Even The Best Psychiatrist Is Like A Blindfolded Auto Mechanic Poking Around Under Your Hood With A Giant Foam "we're #1" Finger.

Wouldn't It Be Great If All Of Osama Bin Laden's Money Was Tied Up In Enron Stock?

Osama Bin Laden

I'm A Comedian, For God's Sake. Viewers Shouldn't Trust Me. And You Know What? They're Hip Enough To Know They Shouldn't Trust Me. I'm Just Doing Stand-up Comedy.

You Know There Is A Problem With The Education System When You Realize That Out Of The 3 R's Only One Begins With An R.

If Bill Gates Is Worth $30 Billion Then A Good Haircut Must Cost $31 Billion

My Fear Of Flying Starts As Soon As I Buckle Myself In And Then The Guy Up Front Mumbles A Few Unintelligible Words Then Before I Know It I'm Thrust Into The Back Of My Seat By Acceleration That Seems Way Too Fast And The Rest Of The Trip Is An Endless Nightmare Of Turbulence, Of Near Misses. And Then The Cabbie Drops Me Off At The Airport.

There's No More Delicious Irony On The Face Of The Earth Than Environmental Protesters Being Led Away In Plastic Handcuffs That Have A Biodegradability Horizon Line Of, Like, 40,000 Years.

If You're A Man And You Have Big Tits, Don't Wear A Tight T-shirt, Okay? It Confuses The Children!

Why Should I Hate Someone On The Basis Of Their Religion, When I Can Take A Little Time To Get To Know Them And Hate Them For A Myriad Of Real Reasons.

The Man Who Accused Richard Simmons Of Slapping Him In An Airport Has Dropped The Assault Charge. Dropped It! Upon Hearing The News, Simmons Sadly Responded, "you Mean I'm Not Going To Prison?"

I Find It Shocking That Anybody Can Be Brought Down In D.c. For Gossip, Ostensibly. I Thought That Was The Coin Of The Realm There. That's Like Getting Hit With Lightning On A Cloudless Day.

Just Put Down 9/11... I Think, On Most Things I'm Liberal, Except On Defending Ourselves And Keeping Half The Money. Those Things I'm Kind Of Conservative On.

A Recent Police Study Found That You're Much More Likely To Get Shot By A Fat Cop If You Run.

Political Correctness Is Inverted Mccarthyism.

I Think We Have To Help The Helpless. The Clueless? I Don't Give A Rat's Ass About The Clueless.

Teresa Lewis, The Only Woman On Death Row In Virginia, Says She Doesn't Deserve The Death Penalty Because She Only Hired The Killers Of Her Husband And Stepson, She Didn't Actually Pull The Trigger Herself. You Know, She Has A Point. I Think We Should Let Her Be Able To Hire The Person Who Executes Her, And Not Do Yourself In! How's That, Doll? Yeah! Get It Over With Quick, Maybe Charlize Theron Will Sign Up To Play You.

I Think Abortion's Wrong, But It's None Of My Business To Tell Somebody What's Wrong, He Said. So I'm Pro-choice. I Want To Keep My Nose Out Of Other People's Personal Business. I Guess I Fall Into Conservative When It Comes To Protecting The United States In A World Where A Lot Of People Hate The United States.

A Developer Is Someone Who Wants To Build A House In The Woods. An Environmentalist Is Someone Who Already Has A House In The Woods.

The French Are Always Reticent To Surrender To The Wishes Of Their Friends And Always More Than Willing To Surrender To The Wishes Of Their Enemies.

That Field Goal Attempt Was So Far To The Left It Nearly Decapitated Lyndon Larouche.

For The Foreseeable Future, We're Going To Need Oil Products Because I Don't Like The Idea Of Hydrogen Cars. I'm Not Sure I Want To Be Cruising Around A Mall Parking Lot Filled With A Thousand Mini-hindenburgs.

Here In Hollywood You Can Actually Get A Marriage License Printed On An Etch-a-sketch.

We Need Anything Politically Important Rationed Out Like Pez: Small, Sweet, And Coming Out Of A Funny, Plastic Head.

Ah, Feminism In The Nineties, What A What Is Yours What Is Mine Field.

Washington, Dc Is To Lying What Wisconsin Is To Cheese.

I'd Rather Be Funny Than Wise.

They Have An Amazing Proliferation Of Tv Channels Now: The All-cartoon Channel, The 24-hour-science Fiction Channel. Of Course, To Make Room For These They Got Rid Of The Literacy Channel And The What's Left Of Civilization Channel.

I Think [ann Coulter] Understands That, She's Pavlov's Dog. She Gets The Corn Kernel If She Hits That Drum Once In A While.

Drop The Veneer Periodically And Be Like "ok, I'm An Imperfect Human. Let's Try To Get Through This."

I Have A Nice House. And When Somebody Says It's A Palace, I Always Feel Like We're Digging A Little Or Something.

Is It Just Me, Or Are The 49ers Doing An Awful Lot Of Ass-patting Today?

I Have The Distinction Of Speaking To You From One Of The Few Countries That Still Has A Communist Party.

Joan Rivers Telling Lauren Bacall Her Dress Is All Wrong Is Like Carrot Top Telling Lenny Bruce He Needs To Get An Edge.

Nervous? He's Tighter Than Pat Buchanan's Sphincter Muscle At A 4th Of July Soiree On Fire Island.

So Who's The Big Red Menace Nowadays? Cuba. That's It? I'm Sorry, But It's Hard To Whip Up Any Us Against Them Nationalist Fervor About A Country Whose Principal Export Is Citizens Who Can Swim.

But The Biggest Fake Of The Year, Paul Begala's Last Smile

Trends Don't Mean Anything To Me. If I Like Something, I'll Do It. If I Don't, I Won't Do It, And I Wouldn't Care If Everybody In The Country Mocked Me.

If Somebody Wants To Shoot Up And Die In Front Of You, More Power To Them. The Herd Has A Way Of Thinning Itself Out.

How Many Of Those Dead Animals You See On The Highway Are Suicides?

Parenting Is The Easiest Job To Get - You Just Have To Screw Up Once And It's Yours.

I Love This Country For Several Reasons, Not The Least Of Which Is That I Know I'm Allowed To Hate It If I Want To.

When You're Sharing A Mud Hole With A Wildebeest Derriere In Sub-saharan Africa, That's A Living Hell.

By And Large, I Think It Should Be A Rule In The Teacher Employment Manual That You Can't Go Attend Any Event Where If You Took Your Classroom On A Student Field Trip, They Would Summarily Be Obliterated. That Should Be Rule No. 1.

I Haven't Seen Anyone Rely On The Ground Game This Much Since The Battle Of Verdun.

Homosexuals Are Entering The Mainstream, Because They're Becoming As Boring And As Tedious As Any Other Splinter Group.

Forbes Magazine Has Named Mel Gibson This Year's Most Powerful Celebrity. ... Forbes' Least Powerful Celebrity? [miller Displayed The Widely Circulated Image From The Lynndie England Photographs Of A Hooded Iraqi Prisoner With Wires Attached To His Outstretched Arms] You're Looking At Him. Screw This Guy. ... [he's A] Bad Guy.

I Am Proof That Einstein's "e Equals M C Squared" Is Wrong. My Mass Has Increased, But My Energy Has Dropped.

The Quarterback's Spending So Much Time Behind The Center That He May Jeopardize His Right To Lead A Boy Scout Troop.

Jack Kerouac Was Cool Because He Had No Idea He Was.

There Will Be Select Instances Where The Consumer Is Interested In Paying For Premium Content. I Think It Will Be Difficult To Get People To Pay For Something On The Internet That They Can Find Elsewhere On The Internet For Free.

A New Poll Shows That Senator Kerry's Support In The South Is Strongest Amongst Blacks. Kerry's Appeal To Southern Blacks Is Obvious. He Is A White Man Who Lives Far, Far Away.

Some People Like M&ms Plain, And Some People Like Them With Nuts.

I Haven't Seen Someone So Overmatched Since Mike Tyson Tried To Recite The Alphabet.

Liberals Always Feel Your Pain. Unless Of Course, They Caused It.

Bad Television Is Three Things: A Bullet Train To A Morally Bankrupt Youth, A Slow Spiral Into An Intellectual Void, And Of Course, A Complete Blast To Watch.

Twitter! Never Have Lives Been Less Lived And More Chronicled!

The Left Promises Abortion Rights And Cradle To The Grave Protection, So The Trick Is To Make It To The Cradle.

Most Americans Will Let Liberals And Conservatives Play Their Games Because Most Americans Don't Pay Attention.

If Clinton Had Only Attacked Terrorism As Much As He Attacks George Bush We Wouldn't Be In This Problem.

You've Got Bad Eating Habits If You Use A Grocery Cart In 7-eleven.

If I Had Wanted To Ice The Little Toad, I Would Have Done It A Long Time Ago.

Childbirth Is A Wonderful Thing, But The Reality Is That It Can Dramatically Change A Woman's Body. Sui Occurs When The Vaginal Wall Weakens And Cannot Provide Adequate Support To The Urethra, Thus Causing Leaking. The Good News Is That Women With Sui Have Many Different Treatment Options Available To Them.

American's Could Be Any More Self Absorbed If They Were Made Of Equal Parts Water And Paper Towel.

Born Again?! No, I'm Not. Excuse Me For Getting It Right The First Time.

It Takes Zero Politically Correct People To Screw In A Lightbulb Because They Are Perpetually In The Dark.

South African Schoolchildren Set A World Record This Week By Creating The World's Longest Clothesline. Hey, What Do South Africans Wash Their Clothes With? Apar-tide!

That Receiver Was As Wide Open As Annabel Chong.

I Preume There Are Far Too Many Abortions Performed In This Country. And I Also Believe That At The End Of The Day, As Much As I Might Disapprove, None Of Them Are Really Any Of My Business.

I'm Glad I Don't Have A Lot Of Money In The Market. And Quite Frankly, You'd Be Better Off Giving Your Money To A Colorblind Roulette Addict Than Put It In The Stock Market.

Campaign Analysts Say That Dean Has Produced The Most Innovative Web Site In This Year's Presidential Race. I Particularly Like Today's Blog, Which Consisted Of The Sentence 'i Hate Myself,' Typed Four Billion Times. In Dean's Case, This May Be The First Instance Where The Actually Entity Represented By The Web Site Has Crashed More Often Than The Site Did.

Is Global Warming New? I Don't Know. When I Was Young I Remember The Sun Being Hot.

Some People Like To Travel By Train Because It Combines The Slowness Of A Car With The Cramped Public Exposure Of An Airplane.

I Still Feel Pangs Of Remorse Over An Insidious Habit I've Had Since I Was A Teenager. About Three Times A Week, I Attend Estate Auctions And Make Insulting, Low-ball Bids For Prized Heirlooms Until I'm Asked To Leave.

Al Gore Couldn't Be More Phony If He Were A Professional Al Gore Impersonator

When The Hell Is Warren Moon Going To Retire? I Mean, This Guy Is Older Than The Cuneiform In Nebuchadnezzar's Tomb.

The Nazi Signs Have Got To Stop. If You're In A Peace March And The Guy Next To You Has A Sign Saying That 'bush Is Hitler,' Forget The Peace Thing For A Second And Beat His Ass, Because He Is Not Hitler.

Now, Personally, I Am Baffled By The Concept Of Racial Prejudice. Why Hate Someone Based On The Color Of Their Skin When, If You Take The Time To Get To Know Them As A Human Being, You Can Find So Many Other Things To Hate Them For?

We've Got Nancy Pelosi. She Never Shuts Up. It's Just Occasionally We Have To Hood Her Like A Falcon So We Can Get Some Sleep.

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