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Teresa Lewis, The Only Woman On Death Row In Virginia, Says She Doesn't Deserve The Death Penalty Because She Only Hired The Killers Of Her Husband And Stepson, She Didn't Actually Pull The Trigger Herself. You Know, She Has A Point. I Think We Should Let Her Be Able To Hire The Person Who Executes Her, And Not Do Yourself In! How's That, Doll? Yeah! Get It Over With Quick, Maybe Charlize Theron Will Sign Up To Play You.

-Dennis Miller

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Teresa Lewis, The Only

Dennis Miller

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Teresa Lewis, The Only Woman On Death Row In Virginia, Says She Doesn't Deserve The Death Penalty Because She Only Hired The Killers Of Her Husband And Stepson, She Didn't Actually Pull The Trigger Herself. You Know, She Has A Point. I Think We Should Let Her Be Able To Hire The Person Who Executes Her, And Not Do Yourself In! How's That, Doll? Yeah! Get It Over With Quick, Maybe Charlize Theron Will Sign Up To Play You.

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Born Again?! No, I'm Not. Excuse Me For Getting It Right The First Time.

The Radical Right Is So Homophobic That They're Blaming Global Warming On The Aids Quilt.

He Lasted About As Long As The Dessert Tray At Rosie O'donnell's House.

Ray Lewis Knifed Through Those Offensive Linemen Like A Sucker-punch Switchblade Slicing Between The Ribs Of Some Inebriated Trash-talking Punk Outside A Sports Bar.

A Lot Of People Voting For Pat Buchanan Say They Are Doing So To Send A Message. Apparently That Message Is, 'hey, Look At Me, I'm An Idiot.'

That Receiver Was As Wide Open As Annabel Chong.

I Don't Have Credibility, I'm A Comedian. I'm Not Ed Murrow Up On The Roof In A London Fog Reporting On The Blitz.

Now Let Me Get This Straight. Bush Is Anti-abortion, But Pro-death Penalty. I Guess It's All In The Timing, Huh?

Maybe Democrats Will Eventually Turn On Obamacare When They Realize You Might Need A Photo I.d. To Participate In The Program.

The Aclu Spent This Entire Holiday Season Protesting Public Displays Of The Nativity Scene. Yeah, That's The Problem With America Right Now: Public Displays Of Christ's Birth, That's The Problem. It's Unbelievable To Me. The Aclu Will No Longer Fight For Your Right To Put Up A Nativity Scene, But They'll Fight For The Right Of The Local Freak Who Wants To Stumble Onto The Scene And Have Sex With One Of The Sheep.

On Thursday, A Passenger Forced His Way Into The Cockpit Of A United Airlines Flight From Miami, But Was Subdued After The Co-pilot Hit Him With A Small Ax. Good To See Our Airlines Are Being Kept Secure By The Latest In 12th Century Technology.

The Way I've Always Governed My Life As Far As Fiscal Policy Goes Is I'm Smart Enough To Know That I'm Dumb About It, So I Surround Myself With Smart People In Much The Same Way A Hole Surrounds Itself With A Doughnut. I Just Pay Things Off. That's All I Do.

It's Nice To Be Included In The Broadcast Food Chain.

It's Foolish To Be Prejudiced. There Are So Many Reasons To Hate People On An Individual Basis.

That Secondary Provides Worse Coverage Than A Guatemalan Hmo.

Yeah, This Country's Founding Fathers Are A Bunch Of Dead Rich White Men, But They Did Set Things Up So You Could Come And Sit At The Table, So Don't Piss In The Finger Bowls, All Right? Thank You. In Return For Unfettered Economic Opportunity And No Government Death Squads, Try To Get Along With Your New Stepmotherland, And Don't Be Resentful If There's A Set Of House Rules Already In Place.

I Preume There Are Far Too Many Abortions Performed In This Country. And I Also Believe That At The End Of The Day, As Much As I Might Disapprove, None Of Them Are Really Any Of My Business.

When The Hell Is Warren Moon Going To Retire? I Mean, This Guy Is Older Than The Cuneiform In Nebuchadnezzar's Tomb.

The French Are Always Reticent To Surrender To The Wishes Of Their Friends And Always More Than Willing To Surrender To The Wishes Of Their Enemies.

Joan Rivers Telling Lauren Bacall Her Dress Is All Wrong Is Like Carrot Top Telling Lenny Bruce He Needs To Get An Edge.

A Developer Is Someone Who Wants To Build A House In The Woods. An Environmentalist Is Someone Who Already Has A House In The Woods.

The White House Again Refused To Turn Over Discussions Vice President Cheney Had With Enron Officials Over Energy Policy. Cheney Said If He Had To Disclose Every Time Some Business Donated A Ton Of Money Then Came In To Write Its Own Policy To Govern Itself, He Wouldn't Get Any Work Done.

The Nazi Signs Have Got To Stop. If You're In A Peace March And The Guy Next To You Has A Sign Saying That 'bush Is Hitler,' Forget The Peace Thing For A Second And Beat His Ass, Because He Is Not Hitler.

Other Than The Bombs They Strap To Their Chests, Ive Got No Idea What Makes The Palestinians Tick.

Hey, Cunningham - Andy Warhol Called. You're At 14:55 And We're Tickin' Big-time Here, Chachi.

I Have The Distinction Of Speaking To You From One Of The Few Countries That Still Has A Communist Party.

Then People Ask Me If I'm Worried About The Effects Of Global Warming On My Kids. Well, Obviously I Love My Kids And I Want Them To Live To Be A 100. So That's Another 1.8. My Kids' Kids? Three Point Six. I'll Just Tell Them We Moved To Phoenix.

Teresa Lewis, The Only Woman On Death Row In Virginia, Says She Doesn't Deserve The Death Penalty Because She Only Hired The Killers Of Her Husband And Stepson, She Didn't Actually Pull The Trigger Herself. You Know, She Has A Point. I Think We Should Let Her Be Able To Hire The Person Who Executes Her, And Not Do Yourself In! How's That, Doll? Yeah! Get It Over With Quick, Maybe Charlize Theron Will Sign Up To Play You.

Human Beings Are Human Beings. They Say What They Want, Don't They? They Used To Say It Across The Fence While They Were Hanging Wash. Now They Just Say It On The Internet.

I've Grown Fonder For Hillary Clinton Since She Ran For The Presidency. I Think That It's Emblematic Of The Rolling Stones Song, You Can't Always Get What You Want, I.e., The Grail. Sometimes You Get What You Need. And Whatever She's Gotten Over The Last Couple Of Years, Being Humbled Or Be It Being Humbled And See The Proletariat Come To Bat For Her, Getting Outside Of The Bubble, Getting Out Of This Man's Shadow, Not Quite Getting The Job She Wants But A Great Wonk Job.

The Man Who Accused Richard Simmons Of Slapping Him In An Airport Has Dropped The Assault Charge. Dropped It! Upon Hearing The News, Simmons Sadly Responded, "you Mean I'm Not Going To Prison?"

Growing Up, My Family Wasn't Very Tight. We Were More Like A Tour Group With Secrets.

Xenophobia Doesn't Benefit Anybody Unless You're Playing High-stakes Scrabble.

I Come From That Earlier Time In America When Palm Pilot Was A Nickname You Recieved Upon Entering Puberty! I Was More Than A Palm Pilot I Was The Palm Chuck Jager. Tom Wolfe Wrote A Book About Me Called The Right Hand Stuff. I Was The Only Guy In My Class Hip Enough To Move To The European Grip.

They Have An Amazing Proliferation Of Tv Channels Now: The All-cartoon Channel, The 24-hour-science Fiction Channel. Of Course, To Make Room For These They Got Rid Of The Literacy Channel And The What's Left Of Civilization Channel.

Liberals Should Not Overplay This Weapons Of Mass Destruction Card, Because You Want Me To Tell You The Truth? Most Of Us Are Not Going To Care If They Don't Find These Weapons Of Mass Destruction. It's Enough For A Lot Of Us To See Those Kids Smiling On That Street Again.

Mass Destruction

Liberals Always Feel Your Pain. Unless Of Course, They Caused It.

Never Ever Discount The Idea Of Marriage. Sure, Someone Might Tell You That Marriage Is Just A Piece Of Paper. Well, So Is Money, And What's More Life-affirming Than Cold, Hard Cash?

A Good Rule Of Thumb Is If You've Made It To 35 And Your Job Still Requires You Wear A Nametag, You've Probably Made A Serious Vocational Error.

By And Large, I Think It Should Be A Rule In The Teacher Employment Manual That You Can't Go Attend Any Event Where If You Took Your Classroom On A Student Field Trip, They Would Summarily Be Obliterated. That Should Be Rule No. 1.

Elected Office Holds More Perks Than Elvis' Nightstand.

With Browns' Ticket Prices What They Are, You Just Know That All Those Dads Who Brought The Entire Family To Sit In The 'dog Pound' Are Secretly Calculating How Much Blood They're Going To Have To Sell Next Week To Put Groceries On The Table.

Ah, Feminism In The Nineties, What A What Is Yours What Is Mine Field.

The Death Penalty Is Becoming A Way Of Life In This Country.

It Takes Zero Politically Correct People To Screw In A Lightbulb Because They Are Perpetually In The Dark.

I'd Rather Be Funny Than Wise.

If Somebody Wants To Shoot Up And Die In Front Of You, More Power To Them. The Herd Has A Way Of Thinning Itself Out.

I'm Sorry, Those Pictures From The Abu Ghraib. At First, They, Like Infuriated Me, I Was Sad. Then Like, A Couple Days Later, After They Cut The Guy's Head Off, They Didn't Seem Like Much. And Now, I Like To Trade Them With My Friends.

The Government Could Take Away All The Drugs In The World And People Would Spin Around On Their Lawns Until They Fell Down And Saw God.

Any Time Your Parent Says They Party With You, That Is Its Own Form Of Child Abuse.

Forbes Magazine Has Named Mel Gibson This Year's Most Powerful Celebrity. ... Forbes' Least Powerful Celebrity? [miller Displayed The Widely Circulated Image From The Lynndie England Photographs Of A Hooded Iraqi Prisoner With Wires Attached To His Outstretched Arms] You're Looking At Him. Screw This Guy. ... [he's A] Bad Guy.

I'm A Tad Paranoid. I Think The Person In Front Of Me Is Following Me The Long Way Round.

The Mexican People I Know Seem To Respect The Country In A Way That Many Spoiled Brats Who Were Born Here Don't. So Come On Over Folks, The More The Merrier. But Please, Sign The Guest Book On The Way In.

It's Your Living Room, It's Your Life, Go Nuts. You Like Home Improvement? Tape It And Go Over It Like It's The Zapruder Film.

You Know There Is A Problem With The Education System When You Realize That Out Of The 3 R's Only One Begins With An R.

Twitter! Never Have Lives Been Less Lived And More Chronicled!

I'm Glad I Don't Have A Lot Of Money In The Market. And Quite Frankly, You'd Be Better Off Giving Your Money To A Colorblind Roulette Addict Than Put It In The Stock Market.

I Used To Be Sceptic, But Not Anymore, Because Now I Am Positive That I'm Getting Screwed.

[the Internet] ... Is An Amazing Communications Tool That's Bringing The Whole World Together. I Mean, You Sit Down To Sign On To America Online In Your Hometown, And It's Just Staggering To Think That At The Same Moment, Halfway Around The World, In China, Someone You've Never Met Is Sitting At Their Computer, Hearing The Exact Same Busy Signal That You're Hearing.

Homosexuals Are Entering The Mainstream, Because They're Becoming As Boring And As Tedious As Any Other Splinter Group.

There's Nothing Wrong With Being Shallow As Long As You're Insightful About It.

Long Distance Relationship

A Recent Conversation: Dubya: Look At The Clock, Time Is Racing! Cheney: That's The Second Hand, George.

Lotto Fever Hit New York Again This Week, And Like The Old Saying Goes, 'you Gotta Be In It To Win It'... But First, You Gotta Have A Dead End Job So Pathetic You're Willing To Kill Five Hours Standing In Line For A 1 In 25 Million Chance.

Funny Inspirational

Of *course* He Needs To Renegotiate His Salary - The Guy Buys More Snow Than Seward Did When He Bought Alaska From The Russians.

There Will Be Select Instances Where The Consumer Is Interested In Paying For Premium Content. I Think It Will Be Difficult To Get People To Pay For Something On The Internet That They Can Find Elsewhere On The Internet For Free.

The Current Tax Code Is Harder To Understand Than Bob Dylan Reading Finnegans Wake In A Wind Tunnel.

And I've Always Been Paranoid. I Can Remember As A Baby My Mother Would Spin The Mobile Above My Head And Thinking..."yeah, That's Coming Down."

We've Got Nancy Pelosi. She Never Shuts Up. It's Just Occasionally We Have To Hood Her Like A Falcon So We Can Get Some Sleep.

Listen, The Weather Is Just Like Hillary's Explanation For Her War Vote: We Just Don't Know, Do We?

Washington, Dc Is To Lying What Wisconsin Is To Cheese.

A Recent Police Study Found That You're Much More Likely To Get Shot By A Fat Cop If You Run.

Democratic Candidate John Kerry On Tuesday Chose Fellow Senator John Edwards To Be His Running Mate. Asked About Edwards' Lack Of Foreign Policy Experience, Kerry Revealed His New Campaign Slogan, 'i Promise Not To Die.'

There's No Doubt About It, Show Business Lures The People Who Didn't Get Enough Love, Attention, Or Approval Early In Life And Have Grown Up To Become Bottomless, Gaping Vessels Of Terrifying, Abject Need. Please Laugh.

I Find It Shocking That Anybody Can Be Brought Down In D.c. For Gossip, Ostensibly. I Thought That Was The Coin Of The Realm There. That's Like Getting Hit With Lightning On A Cloudless Day.

My Fear Of Flying Starts As Soon As I Buckle Myself In And Then The Guy Up Front Mumbles A Few Unintelligible Words Then Before I Know It I'm Thrust Into The Back Of My Seat By Acceleration That Seems Way Too Fast And The Rest Of The Trip Is An Endless Nightmare Of Turbulence, Of Near Misses. And Then The Cabbie Drops Me Off At The Airport.

I'm One Of The More Pessimistic Cats On The Planet. I Make Van Gogh Look Like A Rodeo Clown.

There's A Lot Of Differing Data [about Global Warming], But As Far As I Can Gather, Over The Last Hundred Years The Temperature On This Planet Has Gone Up 1.8 Degrees. Am I The Only One Who Finds That Amazingly Stable? I Could Go Back To My Hotel Room Tonight And Futz With The Thermostat For Three To Four Hours. I Could Not Detect That Difference.

Let Me Use Their Own Terminology Against Them. They Aborted A Child In The 200th Trimester.

If Bill Gates Is Worth $30 Billion Then A Good Haircut Must Cost $31 Billion

Childbirth Is A Wonderful Thing, But The Reality Is That It Can Dramatically Change A Woman's Body. Sui Occurs When The Vaginal Wall Weakens And Cannot Provide Adequate Support To The Urethra, Thus Causing Leaking. The Good News Is That Women With Sui Have Many Different Treatment Options Available To Them.

I'm A Comedian, For God's Sake. Viewers Shouldn't Trust Me. And You Know What? They're Hip Enough To Know They Shouldn't Trust Me. I'm Just Doing Stand-up Comedy.

Just Be Good And Kind To Your Children. Not Only Are They The Future Of The World, They're The Ones Who Can Sign You Into The Nursing Home.

Tv Evangelists Say They Don't Favor Any Particular Denomination, But I Think We've All Seen Their Eyes Light Up At Tens And Twenties.

I Cannot Tell You How Proud Watching That [iraqi] War Coverage Makes Me. I Know A Lot Of People Are Saying That They Think That It's, That You Know What We're Doing Is Imperialistic. I Watch The Way We Handle Ourselves Over There And I've Never Felt More Patriotic In My Life.

Dennis Kucinich's Politics Are More Scrambled Than Rod Steiger's Dream Journal.

The Next Time You Get The Urge To Shut Somebody Up Because They Don't See The World Exactly The Same Way You Do, Take A Deep Breath, Get Out Your Bill Of Rights, And Count To The Ten Amendments.

Is It Just Me, Or Are The 49ers Doing An Awful Lot Of Ass-patting Today?

Jerry Falwell Says That Abortion And Homosexuality Are Sins. Oh Yeah? Well, So Is Gluttony, Jerry. So Maybe You Should Think About Dropping 50 Pounds.

Obama Better Hope A Kicked Ass Is Covered By Obamacare.

The Second Type You Have At These Parades Seems To Be The People Who Want To Mislabel Hitler. Everybody In The World Is Hitler. Bush Is Hitler, Ashcroft Is Hitler, Rumsfeld Is Hitler. The Only Guy Who Isn't Hitler Is The Foreign Guy With A Mustache Dropping People Who Disagree With Him Into The Wood Chipper. He's Not Hitler.

Nervous? He's Tighter Than Pat Buchanan's Sphincter Muscle At A 4th Of July Soiree On Fire Island.

The Claim That Somehow Raw Foods Give You Better Energy, Are More Healthful, Improve Your Immune System And All Of That Is Simply Not Substantiated. And Moreover, It's Not Biologically Plausible.

Their Offense Is Shakier Than Katherine Hepburn After An All-night Espresso Bender At Starbucks.

The American Education System Couldn't Be More Badly Directed Or Poorly Funded If The Secretary Of Education Were Ed Wood.

American Education System

To Me, Nature Always Appears More Unbalanced Than Gary Busey With A Clogged Eustachian Tube.

South African Schoolchildren Set A World Record This Week By Creating The World's Longest Clothesline. Hey, What Do South Africans Wash Their Clothes With? Apar-tide!

Some People Like M&ms Plain, And Some People Like Them With Nuts.

Laughter Is One Of The Great Beacons In Life Because We Don't Refract It By Gunning It Through Our Intellectual Prism. What Makes Us Laugh Is A Mystery - An Involuntary Response.

We Need Anything Politically Important Rationed Out Like Pez: Small, Sweet, And Coming Out Of A Funny, Plastic Head.

The Good Thing About Pittsburgh, It's A Good Place To Be Raised... It Doesn't Tolerate Assholes. You're Either A Good Guy Or You're A Bad Guy... When I'm In Los Angeles Having These Incredibly Surreal Moments Where Nobody's Saying Anything And Everybody's Talking Incessantly, I Always Have That Pittsburgh Voice In My Head - Shut Up, Smile, Get The Job, Move On.

Look, We're Americans: Optimistic, Addicted To The Quick Fix, Constantly On The Hunt For The New And Exotic. It's Much Easier For Us To Accept A Guy With A Big White Beard Hawking His Own Custom Blend Of Saw Palmetto And Squirrel Dandruff That It Is To Hear A Real Doctor Telling Us To Lay Off The Big Macs, And Get Off Our Fat Asses And Take A Walk Every Decade Or So.

Seems To Me We Move The Furniture, The French Come In Later And Put The Doilies On Top Of It...it's A Simple Fact They've Always Been Reluctant To Surrender To The Wishes Of Their Friends And Are Almost Anticipatory In Their Urge To Surrender To Wishes Of Their Enemies. And If They Want To Get Their Hands Dirty Now They're Just Gonna Have To Run 'em Through Their Own Hair.

That Field Goal Attempt Was So Far To The Left It Nearly Decapitated Lyndon Larouche.

The Average American's Day Planner Has Fewer Holes In It Than Ray Charles's Dart Board.

There's No More Delicious Irony On The Face Of The Earth Than Environmental Protesters Being Led Away In Plastic Handcuffs That Have A Biodegradability Horizon Line Of, Like, 40,000 Years.

Only Man Is A Narcissistic Enough Species To Think That A Highly Evolved Alien Life Force Would Travel Across Billions And Billions Of Light-years- A Group Of Aliens So Intelligent, So Insouciant, So Utterly Above It All, They Feel No Need Whatsoever To Equip Their Spacecraft With Windows So That They Can Gaze Out On All That Celestial Beauty-but Then Immediately Upon Landing, Their First Impulse Is To Get In Some Hick's Ass With A Flashlight.

And Finally, And Most Importantly, The Next Time We Go To War, Don't Give A Specific Reason For The War That The Left Can Seize Upon And Later Flog Us With It Ad Nauseam, Just Do It. Remember, The First Rule Of Fight Club Is That You Don't Talk About Fight Club.

I Have Sympathy For Any Human Being That's Driven By Their Limbic Part Of Their Brain. We All Know That Exists In A Person.

But The Biggest Fake Of The Year, Paul Begala's Last Smile

It's Wrong To Discriminate Based On Skin Color When There Are So Many Other Reasons Not To Like Someone.

I Love This Country For Several Reasons, Not The Least Of Which Is That I Know I'm Allowed To Hate It If I Want To.

The Easiest Job In The World Has To Be Coroner. Surgery On Dead People. What's The Worst Thing That Could Happen? If Everything Went Wrong, Maybe You'd Get A Pulse.

Why Should I Hate Someone On The Basis Of Their Religion, When I Can Take A Little Time To Get To Know Them And Hate Them For A Myriad Of Real Reasons.

I Haven't Seen Someone So Overmatched Since Mike Tyson Tried To Recite The Alphabet.

Now I Don't Have Anything Against Mexican People, But For God's Sakes, Sign The Gust Book On The Way In.

Of Course, That's Just My Opinion. I Could Be Wrong.

When I Said 'we', Officer, I Was Referring To Myself, The Four Young Ladies, And, Of Course, The Goat.

One Man's Voltaire Is Another Man's Screech.

If You Could Use The Internet Somehow To See How A Fiji Sailor Is Doing, Rather Than Having To Read A Text Version Of It Somewhere A Day Later, That Would Be Great.

I Haven't Seen Anyone Rely On The Ground Game This Much Since The Battle Of Verdun.

Political Correctness Is Inverted Mccarthyism.

Is Global Warming New? I Don't Know. When I Was Young I Remember The Sun Being Hot.

At Some Point You Cannot Be The Kid In The Glass Bubble In This World. You Might've Heard Throughout Your Grade School And High School Years That It Was A Safe, Nice, Warm, Fair, Feeling Place... But It Can Get Brutal When It Gets Competitive. Especially When You Succeed. Watch The Detractors Come Out Of The Walls At That Point.

The White House Looked Into A Plan That Would Allow Illegal Immigrants To Stay In The United States. The Plan Called For A Million Mexicans To Marry A Million Of Our Ugliest Citizens.

How Do We Know For Sure That No Two Snowflakes Are The Same - We Haven't Got Anybody Watching.

Parenting Is The Easiest Job To Get - You Just Have To Screw Up Once And It's Yours.

Guilt Is The Reason They Put The Articles In Playboy.

Everybody Is Full Of Crap. The Coin Of The Realm Is Being Full Of Crap. The Best People - Being Full Of Crap Are Our Leaders And Our Superstars.

Martha Stewart Denied Allegations That She Had Been Given Inside Information To Sell 4,000 Shares Of A Stock In A Biotech Firm. Stewart Then Showed Her Audience How To Make A Festive, Quick-burning Yule Log Out Of Freshly-shredded Financial Documents.

Should I Really Care What Kind Of Beer Frogs Recommend?

Drop The Veneer Periodically And Be Like "ok, I'm An Imperfect Human. Let's Try To Get Through This."

I Don't Know What I Think Of George W. Bush When He First Got In, But I've Grown Fond Of The Man, And Maybe It's The Times We Live In. They Say He's Not An Environmentalist. But Every Time I See His Ranch On Tv, It Looks Pretty Nice. You Know Something, If We All Took Care Of Our Own, We'd Have A Great Environment.

And By The Way, My Belief Is That If Men Were The Ones Getting Pregnant, Abortions Would Be Easier To Get Than Food Poisoning In Moscow.

Think Of Iraq As "east Korea," Because It Was A Shoot The Cuffs War For The Edification Of Kim Jong Il To Let Him Know We've Now Circled The Suvs. Iraq Was About Breaking Adhesions, Getting Lean, Staying Frosty - In Short, Getting Ready For The Big Doug Macarthur Memorial Cage Match To Come.

When I Went To College, I Lived On Campus, And The Guys I Hung Out With Made The Characters In Revenge Of The Nerds Look Like The Rat Pack In 1962. I, Myself Made That Kid Booger Look Like Remington Steele.

Why Is Electricity So Expensive These Days? Why Does It Cost So Much For Something I Can Make With A Balloon And My Hair?

Some People Like To Travel By Train Because It Combines The Slowness Of A Car With The Cramped Public Exposure Of An Airplane.

We Are Simultaneously The Most Hated, Loved, Feared And Admired Nation On This Planet. In Short, We Are Frank Sinatra.

Pat Buchanan Is So Homo-phobic, He Blames Global Warming On The Aids Quilt.

Branson, Missouri, Is Vegas For People With No Teeth.

Check Out The Helmet Hair On Randy Moss, Babe! He Looks Like Some Freakish Anti-mr. T After A Long Evening Sleeping Through 'aida.'

Here In Hollywood You Can Actually Get A Marriage License Printed On An Etch-a-sketch.

There Is A Chalk Outline Slowly Being Drawn Around Common Sense And Most People Can't Identify The Victim.

Jack Kerouac Was Cool Because He Had No Idea He Was.

The Only Way The French Are Going In Is If We Tell Them We Found Truffles In Iraq.

You've Got Bad Eating Habits If You Use A Grocery Cart In 7-eleven.

That Punt Was Higher Than Marion Berry On A Fact-finding Tour Of Cartagena.

Everyone Wants Answers And Wants To Know What The Timeline Is. Unfortunately, It's A Complex Situation, And We Don't Have The Final Answers Yet.

Concussion? How The Hell Can They Tell? They're *football* Players, For Chrissakes!

That Kid's Got An Arm Like Uncle Fester At An Exhibition Of Pre-colombian... Um, Christ, I Lost It. I Was Going For Something Thick. So What's With The Beard, Grizzly Fouts?

The Quarterback's Spending So Much Time Behind The Center That He May Jeopardize His Right To Lead A Boy Scout Troop.

Campaign Analysts Say That Dean Has Produced The Most Innovative Web Site In This Year's Presidential Race. I Particularly Like Today's Blog, Which Consisted Of The Sentence 'i Hate Myself,' Typed Four Billion Times. In Dean's Case, This May Be The First Instance Where The Actually Entity Represented By The Web Site Has Crashed More Often Than The Site Did.

If Some Unemployed Punk In New Jersey, Can Get A Cassette To Make Love To Elle Mcpherson For $19.95, This Virtual Reality Stuff Is Going To Make Crack Look Like Sanka.

America Was Founded By Puritans And Like It Or Not The Anti-pleasure Dogma Of Those Buckled-shoed Killjoys Still Pervades Our Collective Unconscious Like An I-max Shot Of Dennis Franz's Naked Hairy Cop Ass. Hence, Anything Enjoyable Is Automatically Forbidden And Bad And In Our Panic To Avoid It At All Cost We Become Obsessed With It... Like Dressing Up In A Pink Teddy And A Pair Of Ugboots And Repeatedly Screaming The Word 'verboten!' Into A Conk Shell Balanced On The Back On A Miniature Pony... Oh, I See.. That Would Just Be Me.

Collective Unconscious

I'm Actually Equal Parts Cynicism And Apathy. I'm Always Willing To Believe The Worst As Long As It Doesn't Take Too Much Effort.

I Had Fun Pretending To Be A Sportscaster. People Always Think That Was A Down Thing For Me. I Had The Best Job In Sports Broadcasting For Two Years.

The Punt Returner Got Smacked Like Nancy Kerrigan's Knee On Souvenir Pipe Night.

I Think [ann Coulter] Understands That, She's Pavlov's Dog. She Gets The Corn Kernel If She Hits That Drum Once In A While.

Most Americans Will Let Liberals And Conservatives Play Their Games Because Most Americans Don't Pay Attention.

Somebody Can Say They Don't Understand Why Somebody Drifts. But I've Always Found People Who Drift Interesting, 'cause It Shows Me The Game's Not Stagnant In Their Own Head. They're Thinking.

I Would Call The French Scumbags, But That, Of Course, Would Be A Disservice To Bags Filled With Scum. I Say We Invade Iraq, Then Invade Chirac.

I'm Left On A Lot Of Things. If Two Gay Guys Want To Get Married, I Could Care Less. If A Nut Case From Overseas Wants To Blow Up Their Wedding, That's When I'm Right.

Somebody Call Janet Reno - I Think I Just Saw Donato Dragging Doug Flutie Into A Locker Room Closet!

Women Don't Like Guys Who Are Dangerous. Women Just Want Us To Think That Because Women Are Trying To Kill Us.

Hey Deion, Bubbelah - Maybe You'd Better Pay A Little Less Attention To Those Unfairly Draconian Salary Caps That Only Allowed You To Acquire Four Of The Five Remaining 1932 Aston Martins Still In Road-worthy Condition After You'd Paid For Life's Little Necessities Like Hookers And Weed, Get Your Medulla Oblongata Out Of Your Duodenum For A Few Milliseconds, And Make A Tackle Or Two, Okay, Babe?

I Like The Show [factor] Because It's Horny, But It's Not Skeevy. Where Else Are You Going To Get That Nowadays?

In The Late Twentieth Century, Staying Sober Has Become Just As Much An Addiction As Getting Wasted.

After September 11th, Freedom Of Speech In America Has Become A Topic That's Touchier Than A Vatican Summer Camp.

Freedom Of Speech

And Quit Bringing Up Our Forefathers And Saying They Were Civil Libertarians. Our Founding Fathers Would Have Never Tolerated Any Of This Crap. For God's Sake, They Were Blowing Peoples' Heads Off Because They Put A Tax On Their Breakfast Beverage. And It Wasn't Even Coffee.

I Rant, Therefore I Am

In Regards To Oral Roberts' Claim That God Told Him That He Would Die Unless He Received $20 Million By March, God's Lawyers Have Stated That Their Client Has Not Spoken With Roberts For Several Years. Off The Record, God Has Stated That 'if I Had Wanted To Ice The Little Toad, I Would Have Done It A Long Time Ago.

Half The People I Look Who Are Health Food Addicts Look Sickly To Me. Let's Start Taxing Health Food. Somebody Force A Burger Down Some Of These People's Jaw Because They Look A Little Pale And Wan To Me.

I Like Money. It's Fun To Fold And Stack And Smell And Look At. It's Just Plain Fun To Count Money, And I Often Do It In A Loud Falsetto While Wearing Nothing But A Captain's Hat And A Coin Changer.

It's Ironic That In Our Culture Everyone's Biggest Complaint Is About Not Having Enough Time; Yet Nothing Terrifies Us More Than The Thought Of Eternity.

I've Seen Better Coverage At An Alan Keyes Press Conference.

Everybody Has To Sell Out At Some Point To Make A Living.

The Soldiers Kill Suicide Bombers. Think About That. When A Guys Whole Thing In Life Is To Kill Himself And You Get There First... You Are Halling Ass My Friends.

The Left Promises Abortion Rights And Cradle To The Grave Protection, So The Trick Is To Make It To The Cradle.

I'm Like Bush, I See The World More Like Checkers Than Chess.

When You're Sharing A Mud Hole With A Wildebeest Derriere In Sub-saharan Africa, That's A Living Hell.

I Think Abortion's Wrong, But It's None Of My Business To Tell Somebody What's Wrong, He Said. So I'm Pro-choice. I Want To Keep My Nose Out Of Other People's Personal Business. I Guess I Fall Into Conservative When It Comes To Protecting The United States In A World Where A Lot Of People Hate The United States.

How Many Of Those Dead Animals You See On The Highway Are Suicides?

Now, Personally, I Am Baffled By The Concept Of Racial Prejudice. Why Hate Someone Based On The Color Of Their Skin When, If You Take The Time To Get To Know Them As A Human Being, You Can Find So Many Other Things To Hate Them For?

What Is Guilt? Guilt Is The Pledge Drive Constantly Hammering In Our Heads That Keeps Us From Fully Enjoying The Show. Guilt Is The Reason They Put The Articles In Playboy.

Al Gore Couldn't Be More Phony If He Were A Professional Al Gore Impersonator

For The Foreseeable Future, We're Going To Need Oil Products Because I Don't Like The Idea Of Hydrogen Cars. I'm Not Sure I Want To Be Cruising Around A Mall Parking Lot Filled With A Thousand Mini-hindenburgs.

I Don't Need To Be Born Again. I Got It Right The First Time.

Ouch! And Marino Goes Down Quicker Than His Boonesfarm-infused Sister In The Back Of My '68 Cutlass On Our First Date After Watching 'love Story' At The Drive-in.

The Democrats Continue To Snipe At Bush. They'll Never Give It Up To Him. You Know Teddy Kennedy And Tom Daschle Pick More Nits Than A Father And Son Spider Monkey Team Who Know They're Being Followed By A National Geographic Film Crew.

If I Want Low-impact Aerobics, I'll Masturbate. If I Want High-impact Aerobics, I'll Masturbate Again.

So Who's The Big Red Menace Nowadays? Cuba. That's It? I'm Sorry, But It's Hard To Whip Up Any Us Against Them Nationalist Fervor About A Country Whose Principal Export Is Citizens Who Can Swim.

Nowadays, With History Not Being Taught Anymore In American Public Schools, Self-esteem Is Taking Its Place.

I Have A Nice House. And When Somebody Says It's A Palace, I Always Feel Like We're Digging A Little Or Something.

I Think We Have To Help The Helpless. The Clueless? I Don't Give A Rat's Ass About The Clueless.

Now, I Don't Want To Get Off On A Rant Here, But Guilt Is Simply God's Way Of Letting You Know That You're Having Too Good A Time.

Trends Don't Mean Anything To Me. If I Like Something, I'll Do It. If I Don't, I Won't Do It, And I Wouldn't Care If Everybody In The Country Mocked Me.

I Think The American Legal System Sucks Worse Than A Celine Dion Cover Version Of Whole Lotta Love.

America May Be The Best Country In The World, But That's Kind Of Like Being The Valedictorian Of Summer School.

When Your Mother Starts Using The Word "party" As A Verb About Her Kid, That's Absolutely Crazy.

And I Know Your Next Move, I Watch You So Much, 'there's Been No Proven Link Between The Secular State Of Iraq And Al-qaeda!' Come On. They Both Think We're Satan. Isn't That A Nice Starting Point? Why Are You So Loathe To Believe They Might Have Each Other On Lunatic Speed Dial?

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