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I Find It Shocking That Anybody Can Be Brought Down In D.c. For Gossip, Ostensibly. I Thought That Was The Coin Of The Realm There. That's Like Getting Hit With Lightning On A Cloudless Day.

-Dennis Miller

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I Find It Shocking

Dennis Miller

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I Find It Shocking That Anybody Can Be Brought Down In D.c. For Gossip, Ostensibly. I Thought That Was The Coin Of The Realm There. That's Like Getting Hit With Lightning On A Cloudless Day.

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We Need Anything Politically Important Rationed Out Like Pez: Small, Sweet, And Coming Out Of A Funny, Plastic Head.

I'm A Comedian, For God's Sake. Viewers Shouldn't Trust Me. And You Know What? They're Hip Enough To Know They Shouldn't Trust Me. I'm Just Doing Stand-up Comedy.

I Don't Need To Be Born Again. I Got It Right The First Time.

I Went To The Un And Even The Guidebook Was Spineless.

How Many Of Those Dead Animals You See On The Highway Are Suicides?

Seems To Me We Move The Furniture, The French Come In Later And Put The Doilies On Top Of It...it's A Simple Fact They've Always Been Reluctant To Surrender To The Wishes Of Their Friends And Are Almost Anticipatory In Their Urge To Surrender To Wishes Of Their Enemies. And If They Want To Get Their Hands Dirty Now They're Just Gonna Have To Run 'em Through Their Own Hair.

He Lasted About As Long As The Dessert Tray At Rosie O'donnell's House.

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You've Got Bad Eating Habits If You Use A Grocery Cart In 7-eleven.

Of Course, That's Just My Opinion. I Could Be Wrong.

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Born Again?! No, I'm Not. Excuse Me For Getting It Right The First Time.

Concussion? How The Hell Can They Tell? They're *football* Players, For Chrissakes!

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Then People Ask Me If I'm Worried About The Effects Of Global Warming On My Kids. Well, Obviously I Love My Kids And I Want Them To Live To Be A 100. So That's Another 1.8. My Kids' Kids? Three Point Six. I'll Just Tell Them We Moved To Phoenix.

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Osama Bin Laden

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Long Distance Relationship

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Collective Unconscious

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Why Should I Hate Someone On The Basis Of Their Religion, When I Can Take A Little Time To Get To Know Them And Hate Them For A Myriad Of Real Reasons.

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Freedom Of Speech

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Now, Personally, I Am Baffled By The Concept Of Racial Prejudice. Why Hate Someone Based On The Color Of Their Skin When, If You Take The Time To Get To Know Them As A Human Being, You Can Find So Many Other Things To Hate Them For?

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How Do We Know For Sure That No Two Snowflakes Are The Same - We Haven't Got Anybody Watching.

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Democratic Candidate John Kerry On Tuesday Chose Fellow Senator John Edwards To Be His Running Mate. Asked About Edwards' Lack Of Foreign Policy Experience, Kerry Revealed His New Campaign Slogan, 'i Promise Not To Die.'

The Second Type You Have At These Parades Seems To Be The People Who Want To Mislabel Hitler. Everybody In The World Is Hitler. Bush Is Hitler, Ashcroft Is Hitler, Rumsfeld Is Hitler. The Only Guy Who Isn't Hitler Is The Foreign Guy With A Mustache Dropping People Who Disagree With Him Into The Wood Chipper. He's Not Hitler.

One Man's Voltaire Is Another Man's Screech.

There Will Be Select Instances Where The Consumer Is Interested In Paying For Premium Content. I Think It Will Be Difficult To Get People To Pay For Something On The Internet That They Can Find Elsewhere On The Internet For Free.

I Think [ann Coulter] Understands That, She's Pavlov's Dog. She Gets The Corn Kernel If She Hits That Drum Once In A While.

It's A Cocktail-party Circuit In D.c., That Guy Who Couldn't Master The Guitar And Get In A Band And Get Laid, He Ends Up There. Gary Condit Make Sense To Me. He's Away From His Family, He's In D.c. - If He Was A Car Dealer In The [san Fernando] Valley Somewhere Out There, He'd Be The Guy Who Was Trying To Get Laid By Offering You The Free Undercoating Package.

America May Be The Best Country In The World, But That's Kind Of Like Being The Valedictorian Of Summer School.

I Had Fun Pretending To Be A Sportscaster. People Always Think That Was A Down Thing For Me. I Had The Best Job In Sports Broadcasting For Two Years.

If Some Unemployed Punk In New Jersey, Can Get A Cassette To Make Love To Elle Mcpherson For $19.95, This Virtual Reality Stuff Is Going To Make Crack Look Like Sanka.

I Cannot Tell You How Proud Watching That [iraqi] War Coverage Makes Me. I Know A Lot Of People Are Saying That They Think That It's, That You Know What We're Doing Is Imperialistic. I Watch The Way We Handle Ourselves Over There And I've Never Felt More Patriotic In My Life.

That Field Goal Attempt Was So Far To The Left It Nearly Decapitated Lyndon Larouche.

Now I Don't Have Anything Against Mexican People, But For God's Sakes, Sign The Gust Book On The Way In.

I'm A Tad Paranoid. I Think The Person In Front Of Me Is Following Me The Long Way Round.

What Do You Expect From A Culture And A Nation That Exerted More Of Its National Will Fighting Against Disney World And Big Macs Than The Nazis?

Even The Best Psychiatrist Is Like A Blindfolded Auto Mechanic Poking Around Under Your Hood With A Giant Foam "we're #1" Finger.

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Jack Kerouac Was Cool Because He Had No Idea He Was.

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Check Out The Helmet Hair On Randy Moss, Babe! He Looks Like Some Freakish Anti-mr. T After A Long Evening Sleeping Through 'aida.'

In The Late Twentieth Century, Staying Sober Has Become Just As Much An Addiction As Getting Wasted.

Elected Office Holds More Perks Than Elvis' Nightstand.

I'm One Of The More Pessimistic Cats On The Planet. I Make Van Gogh Look Like A Rodeo Clown.

Ray Lewis Knifed Through Those Offensive Linemen Like A Sucker-punch Switchblade Slicing Between The Ribs Of Some Inebriated Trash-talking Punk Outside A Sports Bar.

Companionate Conservatism - Making The Streets Safer Before People Are Kicked Out Onto Them.

But The Biggest Fake Of The Year, Paul Begala's Last Smile

Just Put Down 9/11... I Think, On Most Things I'm Liberal, Except On Defending Ourselves And Keeping Half The Money. Those Things I'm Kind Of Conservative On.

If I Want Low-impact Aerobics, I'll Masturbate. If I Want High-impact Aerobics, I'll Masturbate Again.

The Next Time You Get The Urge To Shut Somebody Up Because They Don't See The World Exactly The Same Way You Do, Take A Deep Breath, Get Out Your Bill Of Rights, And Count To The Ten Amendments.

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Thomas Bailey Aldrich

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