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The Man Who Accused Richard Simmons Of Slapping Him In An Airport Has Dropped The Assault Charge. Dropped It! Upon Hearing The News, Simmons Sadly Responded, "you Mean I'm Not Going To Prison?"

-Dennis Miller

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The Man Who Accused

Dennis Miller

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The Man Who Accused Richard Simmons Of Slapping Him In An Airport Has Dropped The Assault Charge. Dropped It! Upon Hearing The News, Simmons Sadly Responded, "you Mean I'm Not Going To Prison?"

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If You Could Use The Internet Somehow To See How A Fiji Sailor Is Doing, Rather Than Having To Read A Text Version Of It Somewhere A Day Later, That Would Be Great.

Let Me Use Their Own Terminology Against Them. They Aborted A Child In The 200th Trimester.

Lotto Fever Hit New York Again This Week, And Like The Old Saying Goes, 'you Gotta Be In It To Win It'... But First, You Gotta Have A Dead End Job So Pathetic You're Willing To Kill Five Hours Standing In Line For A 1 In 25 Million Chance.

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If Clinton Had Only Attacked Terrorism As Much As He Attacks George Bush We Wouldn't Be In This Problem.

I Preume There Are Far Too Many Abortions Performed In This Country. And I Also Believe That At The End Of The Day, As Much As I Might Disapprove, None Of Them Are Really Any Of My Business.

Maybe Democrats Will Eventually Turn On Obamacare When They Realize You Might Need A Photo I.d. To Participate In The Program.

The Cowboy's Defense Has More Holes In It Than Ronny Milsapp And Jose Feliciano After A Game Of Lawn Darts.

Childbirth Is A Wonderful Thing, But The Reality Is That It Can Dramatically Change A Woman's Body. Sui Occurs When The Vaginal Wall Weakens And Cannot Provide Adequate Support To The Urethra, Thus Causing Leaking. The Good News Is That Women With Sui Have Many Different Treatment Options Available To Them.

I'm Sorry, Those Pictures From The Abu Ghraib. At First, They, Like Infuriated Me, I Was Sad. Then Like, A Couple Days Later, After They Cut The Guy's Head Off, They Didn't Seem Like Much. And Now, I Like To Trade Them With My Friends.

And Quit Bringing Up Our Forefathers And Saying They Were Civil Libertarians. Our Founding Fathers Would Have Never Tolerated Any Of This Crap. For God's Sake, They Were Blowing Peoples' Heads Off Because They Put A Tax On Their Breakfast Beverage. And It Wasn't Even Coffee.

If Some Unemployed Punk In New Jersey, Can Get A Cassette To Make Love To Elle Mcpherson For $19.95, This Virtual Reality Stuff Is Going To Make Crack Look Like Sanka.

When You're Sharing A Mud Hole With A Wildebeest Derriere In Sub-saharan Africa, That's A Living Hell.

Liberals Should Not Overplay This Weapons Of Mass Destruction Card, Because You Want Me To Tell You The Truth? Most Of Us Are Not Going To Care If They Don't Find These Weapons Of Mass Destruction. It's Enough For A Lot Of Us To See Those Kids Smiling On That Street Again.

Mass Destruction

Washington, Dc Is To Lying What Wisconsin Is To Cheese.

It's Foolish To Be Prejudiced. There Are So Many Reasons To Hate People On An Individual Basis.

The Left Promises Abortion Rights And Cradle To The Grave Protection, So The Trick Is To Make It To The Cradle.

Political Correctness Is Inverted Mccarthyism.

They Have An Amazing Proliferation Of Tv Channels Now: The All-cartoon Channel, The 24-hour-science Fiction Channel. Of Course, To Make Room For These They Got Rid Of The Literacy Channel And The What's Left Of Civilization Channel.

Americans Stick Their Nose Where It Doesn't Belong More Than Cyrano De Bergerac Giving Head.

The Patriots Deflated Balls Are But An Allegory For America's Deflated Balls In Dealings With Putin, The Mullahs In Iran, And Islamic Terrorists.

I Think [ann Coulter] Understands That, She's Pavlov's Dog. She Gets The Corn Kernel If She Hits That Drum Once In A While.

And Finally, And Most Importantly, The Next Time We Go To War, Don't Give A Specific Reason For The War That The Left Can Seize Upon And Later Flog Us With It Ad Nauseam, Just Do It. Remember, The First Rule Of Fight Club Is That You Don't Talk About Fight Club.

Hey, Cunningham - Andy Warhol Called. You're At 14:55 And We're Tickin' Big-time Here, Chachi.

Now Let Me Get This Straight. Bush Is Anti-abortion, But Pro-death Penalty. I Guess It's All In The Timing, Huh?

I Went To The Un And Even The Guidebook Was Spineless.

On Thursday, A Passenger Forced His Way Into The Cockpit Of A United Airlines Flight From Miami, But Was Subdued After The Co-pilot Hit Him With A Small Ax. Good To See Our Airlines Are Being Kept Secure By The Latest In 12th Century Technology.

I'm A Tad Paranoid. I Think The Person In Front Of Me Is Following Me The Long Way Round.

When I Said 'we', Officer, I Was Referring To Myself, The Four Young Ladies, And, Of Course, The Goat.

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When The Hell Is Warren Moon Going To Retire? I Mean, This Guy Is Older Than The Cuneiform In Nebuchadnezzar's Tomb.

Everybody Is Full Of Crap. The Coin Of The Realm Is Being Full Of Crap. The Best People - Being Full Of Crap Are Our Leaders And Our Superstars.

You Know There Is A Problem With The Education System When You Realize That Out Of The 3 R's Only One Begins With An R.

There's Nothing Wrong With Being Shallow As Long As You're Insightful About It.

Long Distance Relationship

The Man Who Accused Richard Simmons Of Slapping Him In An Airport Has Dropped The Assault Charge. Dropped It! Upon Hearing The News, Simmons Sadly Responded, "you Mean I'm Not Going To Prison?"

The Way I've Always Governed My Life As Far As Fiscal Policy Goes Is I'm Smart Enough To Know That I'm Dumb About It, So I Surround Myself With Smart People In Much The Same Way A Hole Surrounds Itself With A Doughnut. I Just Pay Things Off. That's All I Do.

Of *course* He Needs To Renegotiate His Salary - The Guy Buys More Snow Than Seward Did When He Bought Alaska From The Russians.

Dennis Kucinich's Politics Are More Scrambled Than Rod Steiger's Dream Journal.

Tv Evangelists Say They Don't Favor Any Particular Denomination, But I Think We've All Seen Their Eyes Light Up At Tens And Twenties.

Think Of Iraq As "east Korea," Because It Was A Shoot The Cuffs War For The Edification Of Kim Jong Il To Let Him Know We've Now Circled The Suvs. Iraq Was About Breaking Adhesions, Getting Lean, Staying Frosty - In Short, Getting Ready For The Big Doug Macarthur Memorial Cage Match To Come.

I Haven't Seen Anyone Rely On The Ground Game This Much Since The Battle Of Verdun.

I'm A Comedian, For God's Sake. Viewers Shouldn't Trust Me. And You Know What? They're Hip Enough To Know They Shouldn't Trust Me. I'm Just Doing Stand-up Comedy.

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Everyone Wants Answers And Wants To Know What The Timeline Is. Unfortunately, It's A Complex Situation, And We Don't Have The Final Answers Yet.

Then People Ask Me If I'm Worried About The Effects Of Global Warming On My Kids. Well, Obviously I Love My Kids And I Want Them To Live To Be A 100. So That's Another 1.8. My Kids' Kids? Three Point Six. I'll Just Tell Them We Moved To Phoenix.

You've Got Bad Eating Habits If You Use A Grocery Cart In 7-eleven.

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Companionate Conservatism - Making The Streets Safer Before People Are Kicked Out Onto Them.

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The Punt Returner Got Smacked Like Nancy Kerrigan's Knee On Souvenir Pipe Night.

That Kid's Got An Arm Like Uncle Fester At An Exhibition Of Pre-colombian... Um, Christ, I Lost It. I Was Going For Something Thick. So What's With The Beard, Grizzly Fouts?

Some People Like To Travel By Train Because It Combines The Slowness Of A Car With The Cramped Public Exposure Of An Airplane.

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It's Wrong To Discriminate Based On Skin Color When There Are So Many Other Reasons Not To Like Someone.

Detroit's So Bad This Year They Might Lose Their Bye Week.

For The Foreseeable Future, We're Going To Need Oil Products Because I Don't Like The Idea Of Hydrogen Cars. I'm Not Sure I Want To Be Cruising Around A Mall Parking Lot Filled With A Thousand Mini-hindenburgs.

He Lasted About As Long As The Dessert Tray At Rosie O'donnell's House.

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That Receiver Was As Wide Open As Annabel Chong.

Nervous? He's Tighter Than Pat Buchanan's Sphincter Muscle At A 4th Of July Soiree On Fire Island.

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If Somebody Wants To Shoot Up And Die In Front Of You, More Power To Them. The Herd Has A Way Of Thinning Itself Out.

The Only Way The French Are Going In Is If We Tell Them We Found Truffles In Iraq.

American's Could Be Any More Self Absorbed If They Were Made Of Equal Parts Water And Paper Towel.

Just Be Good And Kind To Your Children. Not Only Are They The Future Of The World, They're The Ones Who Can Sign You Into The Nursing Home.

Now I Don't Have Anything Against Mexican People, But For God's Sakes, Sign The Gust Book On The Way In.

How Do We Know For Sure That No Two Snowflakes Are The Same - We Haven't Got Anybody Watching.

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Al Gore Couldn't Be More Phony If He Were A Professional Al Gore Impersonator

There Will Be Select Instances Where The Consumer Is Interested In Paying For Premium Content. I Think It Will Be Difficult To Get People To Pay For Something On The Internet That They Can Find Elsewhere On The Internet For Free.

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I Think The People Can Bash Catholics Because They Know Catholics Won't Kill Them. Quite Frankly, There's Some Religions Out There, You Bash And They're Going To Kill You.

I'm One Of The More Pessimistic Cats On The Planet. I Make Van Gogh Look Like A Rodeo Clown.

It's Your Living Room, It's Your Life, Go Nuts. You Like Home Improvement? Tape It And Go Over It Like It's The Zapruder Film.

That Field Goal Attempt Was So Far To The Left It Nearly Decapitated Lyndon Larouche.

I'm Actually Equal Parts Cynicism And Apathy. I'm Always Willing To Believe The Worst As Long As It Doesn't Take Too Much Effort.

With Browns' Ticket Prices What They Are, You Just Know That All Those Dads Who Brought The Entire Family To Sit In The 'dog Pound' Are Secretly Calculating How Much Blood They're Going To Have To Sell Next Week To Put Groceries On The Table.

Most Americans Will Let Liberals And Conservatives Play Their Games Because Most Americans Don't Pay Attention.

The Democrats Continue To Snipe At Bush. They'll Never Give It Up To Him. You Know Teddy Kennedy And Tom Daschle Pick More Nits Than A Father And Son Spider Monkey Team Who Know They're Being Followed By A National Geographic Film Crew.

A Developer Is Someone Who Wants To Build A House In The Woods. An Environmentalist Is Someone Who Already Has A House In The Woods.

What Is Guilt? Guilt Is The Pledge Drive Constantly Hammering In Our Heads That Keeps Us From Fully Enjoying The Show. Guilt Is The Reason They Put The Articles In Playboy.

I'm Extremely Moved By The Loving, Caring Relationship The President Always Seems To Have With His Imaginary Son.

The White House Looked Into A Plan That Would Allow Illegal Immigrants To Stay In The United States. The Plan Called For A Million Mexicans To Marry A Million Of Our Ugliest Citizens.

There Is A Chalk Outline Slowly Being Drawn Around Common Sense And Most People Can't Identify The Victim.

Democratic Candidate John Kerry On Tuesday Chose Fellow Senator John Edwards To Be His Running Mate. Asked About Edwards' Lack Of Foreign Policy Experience, Kerry Revealed His New Campaign Slogan, 'i Promise Not To Die.'

I Find It Shocking That Anybody Can Be Brought Down In D.c. For Gossip, Ostensibly. I Thought That Was The Coin Of The Realm There. That's Like Getting Hit With Lightning On A Cloudless Day.

I Cannot Tell You How Proud Watching That [iraqi] War Coverage Makes Me. I Know A Lot Of People Are Saying That They Think That It's, That You Know What We're Doing Is Imperialistic. I Watch The Way We Handle Ourselves Over There And I've Never Felt More Patriotic In My Life.

Even The Best Psychiatrist Is Like A Blindfolded Auto Mechanic Poking Around Under Your Hood With A Giant Foam "we're #1" Finger.

I Rant, Therefore I Am

I Come From That Earlier Time In America When Palm Pilot Was A Nickname You Recieved Upon Entering Puberty! I Was More Than A Palm Pilot I Was The Palm Chuck Jager. Tom Wolfe Wrote A Book About Me Called The Right Hand Stuff. I Was The Only Guy In My Class Hip Enough To Move To The European Grip.

My Fear Of Flying Starts As Soon As I Buckle Myself In And Then The Guy Up Front Mumbles A Few Unintelligible Words Then Before I Know It I'm Thrust Into The Back Of My Seat By Acceleration That Seems Way Too Fast And The Rest Of The Trip Is An Endless Nightmare Of Turbulence, Of Near Misses. And Then The Cabbie Drops Me Off At The Airport.

I Don't Know What I Think Of George W. Bush When He First Got In, But I've Grown Fond Of The Man, And Maybe It's The Times We Live In. They Say He's Not An Environmentalist. But Every Time I See His Ranch On Tv, It Looks Pretty Nice. You Know Something, If We All Took Care Of Our Own, We'd Have A Great Environment.

If I Want Low-impact Aerobics, I'll Masturbate. If I Want High-impact Aerobics, I'll Masturbate Again.

What's So Touching Is The Way We Fight The War Right Until The Moment Our Business Is Taken Care Of And Then We Turn On A Dime And We Immediately Start Taking Care Of People. It's Like A Shock And Aw Shucks Campaign.

The Government Could Take Away All The Drugs In The World And People Would Spin Around On Their Lawns Until They Fell Down And Saw God.

The Claim That Somehow Raw Foods Give You Better Energy, Are More Healthful, Improve Your Immune System And All Of That Is Simply Not Substantiated. And Moreover, It's Not Biologically Plausible.

A Lot Of People Voting For Pat Buchanan Say They Are Doing So To Send A Message. Apparently That Message Is, 'hey, Look At Me, I'm An Idiot.'

I Think Abortion's Wrong, But It's None Of My Business To Tell Somebody What's Wrong, He Said. So I'm Pro-choice. I Want To Keep My Nose Out Of Other People's Personal Business. I Guess I Fall Into Conservative When It Comes To Protecting The United States In A World Where A Lot Of People Hate The United States.

The American Auto Industry Is Blowing Up Like A 1976 Ford Pinto.

Obama Better Hope A Kicked Ass Is Covered By Obamacare.

After September 11th, Freedom Of Speech In America Has Become A Topic That's Touchier Than A Vatican Summer Camp.

Freedom Of Speech

South African Schoolchildren Set A World Record This Week By Creating The World's Longest Clothesline. Hey, What Do South Africans Wash Their Clothes With? Apar-tide!

That Secondary Provides Worse Coverage Than A Guatemalan Hmo.

When I Went To College, I Lived On Campus, And The Guys I Hung Out With Made The Characters In Revenge Of The Nerds Look Like The Rat Pack In 1962. I, Myself Made That Kid Booger Look Like Remington Steele.

Other Than The Bombs They Strap To Their Chests, Ive Got No Idea What Makes The Palestinians Tick.

There's No Doubt About It, Show Business Lures The People Who Didn't Get Enough Love, Attention, Or Approval Early In Life And Have Grown Up To Become Bottomless, Gaping Vessels Of Terrifying, Abject Need. Please Laugh.

Xenophobia Doesn't Benefit Anybody Unless You're Playing High-stakes Scrabble.

Should I Really Care What Kind Of Beer Frogs Recommend?

One Man's Voltaire Is Another Man's Screech.

What Do You Expect From A Culture And A Nation That Exerted More Of Its National Will Fighting Against Disney World And Big Macs Than The Nazis?

Michael Moore Simultaneously Represents Everything I Detest In A Human Being And Everything I Feel Obligated To Defend In An American. Quite Simply, It Is That Stupid Moron's Right To Be That Utterly, Completely Wrong.

I Like Money. It's Fun To Fold And Stack And Smell And Look At. It's Just Plain Fun To Count Money, And I Often Do It In A Loud Falsetto While Wearing Nothing But A Captain's Hat And A Coin Changer.

Look, We're Americans: Optimistic, Addicted To The Quick Fix, Constantly On The Hunt For The New And Exotic. It's Much Easier For Us To Accept A Guy With A Big White Beard Hawking His Own Custom Blend Of Saw Palmetto And Squirrel Dandruff That It Is To Hear A Real Doctor Telling Us To Lay Off The Big Macs, And Get Off Our Fat Asses And Take A Walk Every Decade Or So.

That Punt Was Higher Than Marion Berry On A Fact-finding Tour Of Cartagena.

So Who's The Big Red Menace Nowadays? Cuba. That's It? I'm Sorry, But It's Hard To Whip Up Any Us Against Them Nationalist Fervor About A Country Whose Principal Export Is Citizens Who Can Swim.

Now, Personally, I Am Baffled By The Concept Of Racial Prejudice. Why Hate Someone Based On The Color Of Their Skin When, If You Take The Time To Get To Know Them As A Human Being, You Can Find So Many Other Things To Hate Them For?

Ouch! And Marino Goes Down Quicker Than His Boonesfarm-infused Sister In The Back Of My '68 Cutlass On Our First Date After Watching 'love Story' At The Drive-in.

And By The Way, My Belief Is That If Men Were The Ones Getting Pregnant, Abortions Would Be Easier To Get Than Food Poisoning In Moscow.

Is Global Warming New? I Don't Know. When I Was Young I Remember The Sun Being Hot.

I'm Glad I Don't Have A Lot Of Money In The Market. And Quite Frankly, You'd Be Better Off Giving Your Money To A Colorblind Roulette Addict Than Put It In The Stock Market.

It Takes Zero Politically Correct People To Screw In A Lightbulb Because They Are Perpetually In The Dark.

Their Offense Is Shakier Than Katherine Hepburn After An All-night Espresso Bender At Starbucks.

I Have The Distinction Of Speaking To You From One Of The Few Countries That Still Has A Communist Party.

I Think The American Legal System Sucks Worse Than A Celine Dion Cover Version Of Whole Lotta Love.

Somebody Can Say They Don't Understand Why Somebody Drifts. But I've Always Found People Who Drift Interesting, 'cause It Shows Me The Game's Not Stagnant In Their Own Head. They're Thinking.

A Good Rule Of Thumb Is If You've Made It To 35 And Your Job Still Requires You Wear A Nametag, You've Probably Made A Serious Vocational Error.

I Don't Have Credibility, I'm A Comedian. I'm Not Ed Murrow Up On The Roof In A London Fog Reporting On The Blitz.

I Have A Nice House. And When Somebody Says It's A Palace, I Always Feel Like We're Digging A Little Or Something.

If I Had Wanted To Ice The Little Toad, I Would Have Done It A Long Time Ago.

And I Know Your Next Move, I Watch You So Much, 'there's Been No Proven Link Between The Secular State Of Iraq And Al-qaeda!' Come On. They Both Think We're Satan. Isn't That A Nice Starting Point? Why Are You So Loathe To Believe They Might Have Each Other On Lunatic Speed Dial?

Wouldn't It Be Great If All Of Osama Bin Laden's Money Was Tied Up In Enron Stock?

Osama Bin Laden

The Current Tax Code Is Harder To Understand Than Bob Dylan Reading Finnegans Wake In A Wind Tunnel.

America May Be The Best Country In The World, But That's Kind Of Like Being The Valedictorian Of Summer School.

If Bill Gates Is Worth $30 Billion Then A Good Haircut Must Cost $31 Billion

I Used To Be Sceptic, But Not Anymore, Because Now I Am Positive That I'm Getting Screwed.

There's No More Delicious Irony On The Face Of The Earth Than Environmental Protesters Being Led Away In Plastic Handcuffs That Have A Biodegradability Horizon Line Of, Like, 40,000 Years.

It's A Cocktail-party Circuit In D.c., That Guy Who Couldn't Master The Guitar And Get In A Band And Get Laid, He Ends Up There. Gary Condit Make Sense To Me. He's Away From His Family, He's In D.c. - If He Was A Car Dealer In The [san Fernando] Valley Somewhere Out There, He'd Be The Guy Who Was Trying To Get Laid By Offering You The Free Undercoating Package.

Guilt Is The Reason They Put The Articles In Playboy.

Technology Is Fine. . ., But That Popular Vision Of The Future, Where You Plug Somebody In And Leave Them There And They Don't Get Out And Interact With Actual Flesh-and-blood Humans - You Know The Answer Before I Say It - That's Not Good.

Visions Of The Future

A Recent Police Study Found That You're Much More Likely To Get Shot By A Fat Cop If You Run.

How Many Of Those Dead Animals You See On The Highway Are Suicides?

Pat Buchanan Is So Homo-phobic, He Blames Global Warming On The Aids Quilt.

I Don't Know About You, But In My Neighborhood, They Just Opened A Starbucks... In A Starbucks!!!

A Third Myth Is That Men Think That Women Like Guys Who Are Dangerous. As A Result, Guys Will Often Smoke Cigarettes, Drink Too Much, And Ride A Motorcycle Without A Helmet. The Reality? Women Don't Like Guys Who Are Dangerous. Women Want Us To Think That Because Women Are Trying To Kill Us.

The Aclu Spent This Entire Holiday Season Protesting Public Displays Of The Nativity Scene. Yeah, That's The Problem With America Right Now: Public Displays Of Christ's Birth, That's The Problem. It's Unbelievable To Me. The Aclu Will No Longer Fight For Your Right To Put Up A Nativity Scene, But They'll Fight For The Right Of The Local Freak Who Wants To Stumble Onto The Scene And Have Sex With One Of The Sheep.

Big Deal, So He Scored. The Last Time I Saw Someone Dance Like That I Had To Pay Her $20 And Have My Pants Dry Cleaned The Next Day.

Growing Up, My Family Wasn't Very Tight. We Were More Like A Tour Group With Secrets.

Jack Kerouac Was Cool Because He Had No Idea He Was.

Why Is Electricity So Expensive These Days? Why Does It Cost So Much For Something I Can Make With A Balloon And My Hair?

Ah, Feminism In The Nineties, What A What Is Yours What Is Mine Field.

But The Biggest Fake Of The Year, Paul Begala's Last Smile

Twitter! Never Have Lives Been Less Lived And More Chronicled!

The Easiest Job In The World Has To Be Coroner. Surgery On Dead People. What's The Worst Thing That Could Happen? If Everything Went Wrong, Maybe You'd Get A Pulse.

I Think We Have To Help The Helpless. The Clueless? I Don't Give A Rat's Ass About The Clueless.

Now, I Don't Want To Get Off On A Rant Here, But Guilt Is Simply God's Way Of Letting You Know That You're Having Too Good A Time.

Everybody Has To Sell Out At Some Point To Make A Living.

I'd Rather Be Funny Than Wise.

If You're A Man And You Have Big Tits, Don't Wear A Tight T-shirt, Okay? It Confuses The Children!

Ray Lewis Knifed Through Those Offensive Linemen Like A Sucker-punch Switchblade Slicing Between The Ribs Of Some Inebriated Trash-talking Punk Outside A Sports Bar.

Teresa Lewis, The Only Woman On Death Row In Virginia, Says She Doesn't Deserve The Death Penalty Because She Only Hired The Killers Of Her Husband And Stepson, She Didn't Actually Pull The Trigger Herself. You Know, She Has A Point. I Think We Should Let Her Be Able To Hire The Person Who Executes Her, And Not Do Yourself In! How's That, Doll? Yeah! Get It Over With Quick, Maybe Charlize Theron Will Sign Up To Play You.

A Recent Conversation: Dubya: Look At The Clock, Time Is Racing! Cheney: That's The Second Hand, George.

Listen, The Weather Is Just Like Hillary's Explanation For Her War Vote: We Just Don't Know, Do We?

I Still Feel Pangs Of Remorse Over An Insidious Habit I've Had Since I Was A Teenager. About Three Times A Week, I Attend Estate Auctions And Make Insulting, Low-ball Bids For Prized Heirlooms Until I'm Asked To Leave.

Sometimes You Just Have The Thin The Herd.

Parenting Is The Most Important Job On The Planet Next To Keeping Gary Busey Off The Nation's Highways.

Bill Gates Is Just A Monocle And A Persian Cat Away From Being One Of The Bad Guys In A James Bond Movie.

I'll Say This About The War Protesters: At Least Most Of Them Are Only Putting Duct Tape Across Their Mouths So I Can Still Tell The Rest Of Them To Blow It Out Their Ass.

The Average American's Day Planner Has Fewer Holes In It Than Ray Charles's Dart Board.

It's Ironic That In Our Culture Everyone's Biggest Complaint Is About Not Having Enough Time; Yet Nothing Terrifies Us More Than The Thought Of Eternity.

The World Is So Ass-backwards It Almost Makes You Wish You Were Dyslexic.

Trends Don't Mean Anything To Me. If I Like Something, I'll Do It. If I Don't, I Won't Do It, And I Wouldn't Care If Everybody In The Country Mocked Me.

I've Grown Fonder For Hillary Clinton Since She Ran For The Presidency. I Think That It's Emblematic Of The Rolling Stones Song, You Can't Always Get What You Want, I.e., The Grail. Sometimes You Get What You Need. And Whatever She's Gotten Over The Last Couple Of Years, Being Humbled Or Be It Being Humbled And See The Proletariat Come To Bat For Her, Getting Outside Of The Bubble, Getting Out Of This Man's Shadow, Not Quite Getting The Job She Wants But A Great Wonk Job.

Elected Office Holds More Perks Than Elvis' Nightstand.

The Mexican People I Know Seem To Respect The Country In A Way That Many Spoiled Brats Who Were Born Here Don't. So Come On Over Folks, The More The Merrier. But Please, Sign The Guest Book On The Way In.

Liberals Always Feel Your Pain. Unless Of Course, They Caused It.

Some People Like M&ms Plain, And Some People Like Them With Nuts.

We Are Simultaneously The Most Hated, Loved, Feared And Admired Nation On This Planet. In Short, We Are Frank Sinatra.

Forbes Magazine Has Named Mel Gibson This Year's Most Powerful Celebrity. ... Forbes' Least Powerful Celebrity? [miller Displayed The Widely Circulated Image From The Lynndie England Photographs Of A Hooded Iraqi Prisoner With Wires Attached To His Outstretched Arms] You're Looking At Him. Screw This Guy. ... [he's A] Bad Guy.

We've Got Nancy Pelosi. She Never Shuts Up. It's Just Occasionally We Have To Hood Her Like A Falcon So We Can Get Some Sleep.

Police In Washington D.c. Are Now Using Cameras To Catch Drivers Who Go Through Red Lights. Many Congressmen This Week Opposed The Use Of The Red Light Cameras Incorrectly Assuming They Were Being Used For Surveillance At Local Brothels.

The French Are Always Reticent To Surrender To The Wishes Of Their Friends And Always More Than Willing To Surrender To The Wishes Of Their Enemies.

There's A Lot Of Differing Data [about Global Warming], But As Far As I Can Gather, Over The Last Hundred Years The Temperature On This Planet Has Gone Up 1.8 Degrees. Am I The Only One Who Finds That Amazingly Stable? I Could Go Back To My Hotel Room Tonight And Futz With The Thermostat For Three To Four Hours. I Could Not Detect That Difference.

Why Should I Hate Someone On The Basis Of Their Religion, When I Can Take A Little Time To Get To Know Them And Hate Them For A Myriad Of Real Reasons.

Drop The Veneer Periodically And Be Like "ok, I'm An Imperfect Human. Let's Try To Get Through This."

It's Nice To Be Included In The Broadcast Food Chain.

Jerry Falwell Says That Abortion And Homosexuality Are Sins. Oh Yeah? Well, So Is Gluttony, Jerry. So Maybe You Should Think About Dropping 50 Pounds.

America Was Founded By Puritans And Like It Or Not The Anti-pleasure Dogma Of Those Buckled-shoed Killjoys Still Pervades Our Collective Unconscious Like An I-max Shot Of Dennis Franz's Naked Hairy Cop Ass. Hence, Anything Enjoyable Is Automatically Forbidden And Bad And In Our Panic To Avoid It At All Cost We Become Obsessed With It... Like Dressing Up In A Pink Teddy And A Pair Of Ugboots And Repeatedly Screaming The Word 'verboten!' Into A Conk Shell Balanced On The Back On A Miniature Pony... Oh, I See.. That Would Just Be Me.

Collective Unconscious

Hey Deion, Bubbelah - Maybe You'd Better Pay A Little Less Attention To Those Unfairly Draconian Salary Caps That Only Allowed You To Acquire Four Of The Five Remaining 1932 Aston Martins Still In Road-worthy Condition After You'd Paid For Life's Little Necessities Like Hookers And Weed, Get Your Medulla Oblongata Out Of Your Duodenum For A Few Milliseconds, And Make A Tackle Or Two, Okay, Babe?

The Next Time You Get The Urge To Shut Somebody Up Because They Don't See The World Exactly The Same Way You Do, Take A Deep Breath, Get Out Your Bill Of Rights, And Count To The Ten Amendments.

Women Don't Like Guys Who Are Dangerous. Women Just Want Us To Think That Because Women Are Trying To Kill Us.

The White House Again Refused To Turn Over Discussions Vice President Cheney Had With Enron Officials Over Energy Policy. Cheney Said If He Had To Disclose Every Time Some Business Donated A Ton Of Money Then Came In To Write Its Own Policy To Govern Itself, He Wouldn't Get Any Work Done.

I've Seen Better Coverage At An Alan Keyes Press Conference.

Born Again?! No, I'm Not. Excuse Me For Getting It Right The First Time.

Branson, Missouri, Is Vegas For People With No Teeth.

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