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I'm A Double Bagger. Not Only Does My Husband Put A Bag Over My Face When We're Making Love, But He Also Puts A Bag Over His Head In Case Mine Falls Off.

-Joan Rivers

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I'm A Double Bagger.

Joan Rivers

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I'm A Double Bagger. Not Only Does My Husband Put A Bag Over My Face When We're Making Love, But He Also Puts A Bag Over His Head In Case Mine Falls Off.

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I Was Not An Attractive Child.

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Grandchildren Can Be Annoying - How Many Times Can You Go: "and The Cow Goes Moo And The Pig Goes Oink"? It's Like Talking To A Supermodel.

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A Man Can Sleep Around, No Questions Asked, But If A Woman Makes Nineteen Or Twenty Mistakes She's A Tramp.

What Are People Going To Do? Fire Me? I've Been Fired Before. Not Book Me? I've Been Out Of Work Before. I Don't Care.

We Don't Apologize For A Joke. We Are Comics. We Are Here To Make You Laugh. If You Don't Get It, Then Don't Watch Us.

I Think Hillary Clinton's Style Is Perfect. Perfect. You Don't Notice What She's Wearing, You Notice The Woman.

I Felt A Comedy Ego Beginning To Grow, Which Gave Me The Courage To Begin Tentatively Looking Into Myself For Material.

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I Think It's Time They Knew The Truth About Beethoven.

Classical Music

Acting Is My True Love. I Would Like To Have Been A Serious Actor, And I Plan To In The Next Life. I'm Gonna Be Meryl Streep Rivers.

With This Face, I Need All The Deals I Can Get.

Money Can't Buy You Happiness But It Can Pay For The Plastic Surgery.

I Lived To Be On Stage, And I'm Terrified. Terrified Before Every Show.

Is Elizabeth Taylor Fat? Her Favorite Food Is Seconds.

Don't Follow Any Advice, No Matter How Good, Until You Feel As Deeply In Your Spirit As You Think In Your Mind That The Counsel Is Wise.

I've Learned To Have Absolutely No Regrets About Any Jokes I've Ever Done. You Can Tune Me Out, You Can Click Me Off, It's Ok. I Am Not Going To Bow To Political Correctness.

The Worst Thing That Ever Happened To Me On Stage Is Someone Ran Forward To Tell Me They Loved Me And Projectile Vomited All Over The Stage. It Was Horrible.

Before We Make Love My Husband Takes A Pain Killer. I Blame My Mother For My Poor Sex Life. All She Told Me Was, 'the Man Goes On Top And The Woman Underneath'. For Three Years My Husband And I Slept On Bunk Beds. I'm A Double Bagger. Not Only Does My Husband Put A Bag Over My Face When We're Making Love, But He Also Puts A Bag Over His Head In Case Mine Falls Off. It's So Long Since I've Had Sex, I've Forgotten Who Ties Up Whom. My Best Birth Control Now Is To Leave The Lights On.

I Am Definitely Going To Watch The Emmys This Year! My Makeup Team Is Nominated For “best Special Effects.”

My Grandson Is Mad At Me. He's Mad At Me Because I Squandered His College Fund On Spanx. It's A Lot, But There's A Lot Going On Here.

I Don't Mind Aging, I Just Don't Want To Be A Day Older.

I Wear The Midi Because I Feel If You're Going To Look Ugly, You May As Well Look This Year's Ugly.

Al Roker Said I Am 80 Years 'young'; It's Like Saying Al Roker Is 320 Pounds 'thin'.

Marriage Isn't A Contest To See Who Is Most Often Right. Marriage Requires Being What The Japanese Call 'the Wise Bamboo,' Which Means You Bend So You Don't Break. Treat Your Spouse With The Flexibility And Respect You Would Give To A Top Client. Think How We Treat Clients; We Smile, We Are Polite, We Listen To Their Ideas. Never Forget That Your Spouse Is Your Most Important Client.

The Glass Is Always Half Empty. All Good Comedians Are Manic-depressive.

Having My Daughter, I Screamed For Twenty-three Hours Straight. And That Was Just During Conception.

Tonight I'll Be Interviewing Ken Watanabe, Keisha Castle Hughes, Benecio Del Toro And Djimon Honsou - And Yes, Those Are Actors, Not Caterers.

My Sex Life Is So Bad, My G-spot Has Been Declared A Historical Landmark.

The First Rule Of Survival Is: Make Your Own Rules. The Hell Anyone Thinks About The Way You're Acting; Listen Only To Yourself.

That Baby Is So Ugly... I've Never Seen A Six-month-old So Desperately In Need Of A Wax.

I'm At The Top, Top, Top Of My Game Now. I'm So Happy To Be On That Stage, I'm In Control Of It, And I Love Every Minute Of It. I Walk Onstage In Rehearsal And I Start To Smile. And So I Just Don't Care What Anyone Else Is Doing. Do What You Want, Say What You Want. Nobody Else Can Do What I Do Onstage. Nobody.

Sold My House In La, Packed Myself Up And Moved To New York, Not Knowing Anybody. Friends Are Very Hard To Make After A Certain Age.

Victoria Beckham Is So Nasty, Why Doesn't She Just Go Home?! Her Dresses Are Beautiful, But I Don't Care What She Does. She's Mean To All The People Around Her. She's Too Short To Be A Diva. We All Use The Same Hairdressers, Make-up Artists, Limo-drivers And Greeters At The Airports In La And Nobody Has Anything Nice To Say About Her. They Say She's Rude. She Can't Always Just Be Having A Bad Day.

I Was So Ugly That My Parents Sent My Picture To 'ripley's Believe It Or Not' - They Sent It Back And Said, "we Don't Believe It."

To The Pessimist The Light At The End Of The Tunnel Is Another Train.

I'll Lie Still For A Lot Of Things - But Sex Isn't One Of Them.

Anyone That Says Looks Don't Count Is Lying.

If You Don't Think That All Life Is Improvisation, Then You Haven't Been Paying Attention. Life Is What Happens To You While You're Making Other Plans.

At My Funeral, I Want Meryl Streep Crying In Five Different Accents.

A German Sense Of Humor Is An Oxymoron.

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Want To Know Why Women Don't Blink During Foreplay? Not Enough Time.

The Only Street I Like Is Rue Honore De Balzac, Because 'balzac' Sound So Gay, And I Love My Gays. I Might Like Parisians More If They Named Their Streets Only For Gay Icons, Like Rue Liza Minnelli Or Rue Bette Midler Or, My Favorite, Rue Mcclanahan.

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You’re Going To Get What I Think Is The Truth, And It’s Going To Be Raw.

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I Don't Think I'm Good In Bed. My Husband Never Said Anything, But After We Made Love He'd Take A Piece Of Chalk And Outline My Body.

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Why Should I Cook For My Husband? So He Can Tell A Hooker I Make A Delicious Cake?

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I Wish I Had A Twin, So I Could Know What I'd Look Like Without Plastic Surgery.

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Every Comedian Is Furious. Age Makes Me Angry. I'm Unhappy At Not Being Able To Open Packages Anymore. I'm Angry That Libraries Have Gone. I Hate Children On Planes. I'm Very Shallow, So They Tend To Be Little Things. To Be Honest, I Think I Was Probably Angry The Day I Was Born, You Know, About Diapers Or Something.

I'm A Double Bagger. Not Only Does My Husband Put A Bag Over My Face When We're Making Love, But He Also Puts A Bag Over His Head In Case Mine Falls Off.

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She's So Fat, She's My Two Best Friends.

Two Best Friends

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Your Anger Can Be 49 Percent And Your Comedy 51 Percent, And You're Okay. If The Anger Is 51 Percent, The Comedy Is Gone.

Having A Baby Can Be A Scream.

My Breasts Are So Low, Now I Can Have A Mammogram And A Pedicure At The Same Time.

Your Proudest Moment Is To Watch Your Egg Not Just Function, But To Achieve On Her Own.

I Think I'm In A Business Where You Have To Look Good, And It's Totally Youth-oriented.

I Will Only Praise Someone Who Can't Take Anything Away From Me.

Don't Talk To Me About Gravity. When I Get Out Of Bed In The Morning, I Have To Be Careful Not To Step On My Breasts.

I Started My Career In A Town So Small The Local Clinic Was Called Fred's Hospital And Grill.

On Her Daughter Melissa: The Only Time She Really Cried Is When I Sat Her Down And Told Her That She Was Not Adopted.

I'm Telling You That At Eight She Knew More About Reproduction Than Xerox.

Half Of All Marriages End In Divorce- And Then There Are The Really Unhappy Ones.

I Could Never Be In A Cult. For Starters, They Never Accessorize Properly. David Koresh Had No Fashion Sense, Jim Jones Wore Leisure Suits, And I Don't Care How Charismatic Osama Bin Laden Was, An Ak-47 And An Insulin Drip Do Not Take The Place Of Drop Earrings Or A Well-placed Brooch.

Oprah Winfrey Is So Powerful That She Had The Rapture Postponed Until After Her Final Show Airs.

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I Succeeded By Saying What Everyone Else Is Thinking.

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No More Botox For Me. Betty White's Bowels Move More Than My Face.

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All Babies Look Like Renée Zellweger Pushed Against A Glass Window.

Never Admit That Your Back Goes Out More Than You Do

I Can't Wear Yellow Anymore. It's Too Matchy-matchy With My Catheter.

Gay Marriage, I Am So Against It Because If All My Gay Friends Get Married, It Will Cost Me A Fortune In Gifts.

If You Can't Make Fun Of Yourself, You Don't Have Any Right To Make Fun Of Others

Forty For You, Sixty For Me. And Equal Partners We Will Be.

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I Have No Methods. All I Do Is Accept People As They Are.

I Have Flabby Thighs, But Fortunately My Stomach Covers Them.

Somehow, Some Way, Every Person In The Arts Has To Find An Accommodation With Disappointment And Embarrassment. They Are The Pollen In The Air We Breathe. If You Must Go Into The Arts, Go Into Them For Yourself Alone. On Some Basic Level You Must Enjoy The Act Of Doing It ... Otherwise, You Are Going To End Up Frustrated And Unhappy. Recognition In The Arts Is Luck And Gravy.

My Best Birth Control Now Is Just To Leave The Lights On.

Funny Relationship

I Could Be The Greta Garbo Of Comedy, Very Secluded, But Garbo Had A Man Who Was Beyond Rich To Support Her.

My Personal Style Is Over-the-top Dowager. The Old Days They Said Get Dressed And Take One Thing Off, I Say Get Dressed And Put One Thing On.

I Hate Housework! You Make The Beds, You Do The Dishes And Six Months Later You Have To Start All Over Again.

One Of The Most Rebellious Things A Woman Can Do Is Allow People To Think She’s Mean.

When A Man Has A Birthday, He Takes A Day Off. When A Woman Has A Birthday, She Takes At Least Three Years Off.

Life Goes By Fast. Enjoy It...everyone Gets So Upset About The Wrong Things.

If You're Saying The Same Line 10 Times And Making It Look Like You Just Came Up With It, That's Acting.

I've Learned From My Dealings With Johnny Carson That No Matter What Kind Of Friendship You Think You Have With People You're Working With, When The Chips Are Down, It's All About Business.

I Want To Be Buried In A Valentino Gown And I Want Harry Winston To Make Me A Toe Tag.

Why Should A Woman Cook? So Her Husband Can Say 'my Wife Makes A Delicious Cake' To Some Hooker?

A Woman Went To A Plastic Surgeon And Asked Him To Make Her Like Bo Derek. He Gave Her A Lobotomy.

They Almost Had To Cancel The Oscars Tonight Because All Of The Designers And Stylists Are Still In Line In San Francisco Trying To Marry One Another.

Boy George Is All England Needs. Another Queen Who Can't Dress.

Everyone Takes Fashion So Seriously! It's Fashion - Enjoy It!

"i Wouldn't Go Over Here To Lisa Rinna And I Would Say 'are Those Breasts Real, Are You Wearing Underwear?'"

If God Wanted Us To Bend Over He'd Put Diamonds On The Floor.

I Think Actual Death Will Be A Lot Easier Than Dying On Stage. Cause - You Know - If You Do [actual Death] Right, You Can Go Looking Good. Maybe With A Little Quip [like]: 'i Loved Everybody.' But Dying On Stage...oh, God!

If You Don't Go To Broadway, You're A Fool. On Broadway, Off Broadway, Above Broadway, Below Broadway, Go! Don't Tell Me There Isn't Something Wonderful Playing. If I'm Home In New York At Night, I'm Either At A Broadway Or An Off Broadway Show. We're In The Theater Capital Of The World, And If You Don't Get It, You're An Idiot.

Old Age' Is Always Ten Years More Than We Are.

I Adore My Apartment In New York. It Was A Ballroom That I Remade, So It's Like A Loft But Done By Louis The Fifteenth.

Something Terrific Will Come No Matter How Dark The Present.

The Last Time I Saw A Blonde With Red Streaks In Her Hair She Was Laying On Oscar Pistorius' Bathroom Floor.

My Mother Could Make Anybody Feel Guilty - She Used To Get Letters Of Apology From People She Didn't Even Know.

I Love Gay And Lesbian Parents. But I Think We Need A Law That Says Lesbians And Gay Men Have To Raise Their Children Together. This Way, The Kids Would Not Only Know How To Build Bookshelves, But They'd Also Instinctively Know How To Decorate Them.

Travel Is The Excitement Of Life! Everything Is An Adventure, And If You Look At It Like That, Even At The Worst Moment You Can Say: 'we Will Laugh Tomorrow About This.' And You Do.

You Know Why I Feel Older? I Went To Buy Sexy Underwear And They Automatically Gift Wrapped It.

Comedy Is A Very Rough Beat. It's No Holds Barred, As It Should Be.

How To Fool Yourself Into Feeling Younger: When You Go To Restaurants, Always Check A Coat And A Skateboard.

I Hate Thin People; 'oh, Does The Tampon Make Me Look Fat?'

My Sex Life Has Gone From Bad To Pathetic. My G Spot Stands For Godforsaken.

I Once Dated A Guy So Dumb He Could Not Count To 21 Unless He Was Naked

I Am Furious About Everything.

I Hate Billings, Montana. They Have A Fashion Show At Sears Roebuck

The First Time I See A Jogger Smiling, I'll Consider It.

Because I'm The Only Performer Who Comes Out And Says I've Had Plastic Surgery, I've Become The Plastic Surgery Poster Girl, Which Is Hilarious, Because Everybody Has Done It And They All Deny It. They Stand There, Like The Bride Of Frankenstein, They've All Got Stitches, And They All Say, 'i've Done Nothing.' I Talk About It.

I Enjoy Life When Things Are Happening. I Don't Care If It's Good Things Or Bad Things. That Means You're Alive.

Our Natures Are A Lot Like Oil, Mix Us With Anything Else, And We Strive To Swim On Top.

Yeah, I Read History. But It Doesn't Make You Nice. Hitler Read History, Too.

I'm So Fat And I'm So Depressed; Last Night I Tried To Hang Myself - But The Rope Broke.

Girls Just Want To Have Fun. Well, So Do Old Ladies!

What We Do Is A Calling...we Make People Happy.

Making People Happy

Two Is Company; Three Is Fifty Bucks.

I Think Any Celebrity That Adopts A Child From A Third World Country Is A Fool.

When You're First-generation Money, You Want To Say, "i Got A Mercedes And A Rolls And A Lamborghini. Take A Look." When You're Second-generation Money, You're Very Quiet Behind Your Country Club Doors. I Think That's Why People Are Much More Aware. It's The First-generation Wives That Have The Huge Rings And The Second-generation Says, "everyone Be Quiet As We Get On Our Yacht Or Our Private Plane."

Just Remember: Surviving Is The Best Revenge, No Matter What The Disaster Has Been.

I Was So Flat I Used To Put Xs On My Chest And Write, 'you Are Here.' I Wore Angora Sweaters Just So The Guys Would Have Something To Pet.

Comediennes Are The Lucky Ones, Because If You're Funny, You Can Be 125 Years Old And They Will Still Accept You.

I Wish I Could Tell You It Gets Better. It Doesn't Get Better. You Get Better.

My Mother Told Me 'man On Top, Woman Underneath.' For Years My Husband & I Slept In Bunk Beds.

Life Is So Tough. I Don't Know How Old You Are, But I've Seen So Much In A Wink. One Phone Call And Your Life Is Changed Forever. We All Know That. You Better Laugh At Everything.

Women Should Look Good. Work On Yourselves. Education? I Spit On Education. No Man Is Ever Going To Put His Hand Up Your Dress Looking For A Library Card.

I Have So Little Sex Appeal That My Gynecologist Calls Me "sir."

My Parents Hated Me. All I Ever Heard Was, "why Can't You Be Like Your Cousin Shelia? Why Can't You Be Like Your Cousin Shelia?" Shelia Had Died At Birth.

Self-pity Shortens Your Life.

She's So Pure, Moses Couldn't Even Part Her Knees.

Remember A Few Years Ago When They Left Bea Arthur Out Of The Death Reel At The Oscars? Bea Arthur! How Did They Leave Bea Arthur Out? She Was In Mame; She Was In All In The Family; She Was In Maude; She Was A Golden Girl, For God's Sake! Bea Was Not Only One Of Hollywood's Leading Ladies, She Was One Of Hollywood's Leading Men!

Both Of My Parents Got To See Me Host Carson, Thank God. That's All Anyone Wants: To Have Their Parents See They're Going To Be All Right In Life.

You Know You're Getting Old When You Buy A Sexy Sheer Nightgown And Don't Know Anyone Who Can See Through It.

I’m Never Without A Bandage.

Plastic Surgery

I'm Sure Some Of You Are Wondering Whether My Breasts Are Real. Let Me Just Explain To You. This One Is, This One Isn't.

A Study Says Owning A Dog Makes You 10 Years Younger. My First Thought Was To Rescue Two More, But I Don't Want To Go Through Menopause Again.

Life Is Hard. And We Better Laugh At Everything, Otherwise We're Going Down The Tube.

Welcome To My World! I've Been Through It All, And I Often Pinch Myself To Believe My Luck. I Design Jewlery, Create Cosmetics, Perform Comedy, Act, Lecture, Write Books, Travel, Have A Fabulous Daughter, And A Phenomenal Grandson-and I Feel I'm The Luckiest Woman On The Planet.

Omaha Is A Little Like Newark, Without Newark's Glamour.

I Was Smart Enough To Go Through Any Door That Opened.

At My Age An Affair Of The Heart Is A Bypass!

Funny Valentine

If You Don't Want Gays In The Military, Make The Uniforms Ugly.

I Said Justin Bieber Looked Like A Little Lesbian -- And I Stand By It: He's The Daughter Cher Wishes She'd Had.

I've Always Hate Child Stars, Starting From Way Back When, When I Was A Child. The First Child Star I Saw Was Shirley Temple. She Was Six Years Old, Two Foot Six And The Biggest Star In Hollywood. She Wore Ribbons In Her Hair, And Frilly Little Pinafores And Shiny Patent-leather Tap Shoes - Just Like The Boys In Glee Do.

My Daughter Refuses To Call Me Mother In Public; My Little Grandson Calls Me Spongeslob Squarebottom, And Nobody Else Ever Calls Me At All.

Moving On Is A Gift You Give Yourself.

I’ve Had So Much Plastic Surgery, When I Die They Will Donate My Body To Tupperware.

The People Voting For The Oscars Are So Old. I Haven't Seen One Academy Award Voter With A Tampon In Her Purse.

Looking 50 Is Great, If You're 60.

I Was Just Reading About The New Lindsay Lohan Diet, Which Is All Liquid. 80 Proof.

All My Friends Are Dying. That's Why I Always Wear Black.

The Fun Of Working On The Road Means Stealing From Hotels. I've Been Doing It For So Long, I Have A Set Of Towels From The Ark.

My Husband Wanted To Be Cremated. I Told Him I'd Scatter His Ashes At Neiman Marcus - That Way, I'd Visit Him Every Day.

I Don't Think There'd Be A Tina Fey Now If I Hadn't Tried To Look Good In The Beginning.

There Is Not One Female Comic Who Was Beautiful As A Little Girl.

[when Told That Her Grandchild Had Her Nose:] I Didn't Get This Nose Until I Was Thirty-four.

I Have To Tell You That It's Not Going To Be Easy. Take Every Chance And Every Opportunity That You Can. Don't Say 'i Can't' Or 'i Shouldn't' Or 'i'm Too Tired.'

Now, I'm Not Against Sex Before Marriage, But Two Minutes Before? When The Organist Played "here Comes The Bride".

Russell Brand Has Announced That He Plans To Write A Series Of Children's Books. First Up: 'horton Hears A Heroin Dealer.'

I Have No Boobs Whatsoever. On My Wedding Night My Husband Said, 'let Me Help You With Those Buttons' And I Told Him, 'i'm Completely Naked'.

If You Hate Something, You Hate It, And If You Like Something Or Somebody, You Like It, But Tell The Truth. And Most Celebrities Have That Thin Veneer That They Will Not Break For You.

Telling The Truth

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