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All Angelina Jolie Wants To Do Is Do Good For People. And She Was Saying To Me: If I Could Just Make One Person Happy, Joan, I'll Die Satisfied. I Said: Easy! Just Give Jennifer Aniston Back Her Husband.

-Joan Rivers

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All Angelina Jolie Wants

Joan Rivers

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All Angelina Jolie Wants To Do Is Do Good For People. And She Was Saying To Me: If I Could Just Make One Person Happy, Joan, I'll Die Satisfied. I Said: Easy! Just Give Jennifer Aniston Back Her Husband.

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I Know Now That Everybody In The Arts Is Forever A Beginner. Experience Counts For A Great Deal And Very Little. Every Night Onstage I Feel I Am Starting From Scratch, Still Not Quite Sure What I Am Doing And Where I Am Going, Thrown By The Simplest Thing That Goes Wrong.

Acting Is My True Love. I Would Like To Have Been A Serious Actor, And I Plan To In The Next Life. I'm Gonna Be Meryl Streep Rivers.

She Doesn't Understand The Concept Of Roman Numerals. She Thought We Just Fought In World War Eleven.

You Know You've Reached Middle Age When You're Cautioned To Slow Down By Your Doctor, Instead Of By The Police.

Moving On Is A Gift You Give Yourself.

I Use A Smoke Alarm As A Timer.

If You Don't Think That All Life Is Improvisation, Then You Haven't Been Paying Attention. Life Is What Happens To You While You're Making Other Plans.

My Breasts Are So Low, Now I Can Have A Mammogram And A Pedicure At The Same Time.

I Can't Like Watching Project Runway With Heidi Klum. There's Just Something Wrong About A German Woman Saying Who Goes And Who Stays

I Was So Flat I Used To Put Xs On My Chest And Write, 'you Are Here.' I Wore Angora Sweaters Just So The Guys Would Have Something To Pet.

Comediennes Are The Lucky Ones, Because If You're Funny, You Can Be 125 Years Old And They Will Still Accept You.

No Man Will Ever Put His Hand Up Your Dress Looking For A Library Card.

My Obstetrician Was So Dumb That When I Gave Birth He Forgot To Cut The Cord. For A Year That Kid Followed Me Everywhere. It Was Like Having A Dog On A Leash.

My Parents Hated Me. All I Ever Heard Was, "why Can't You Be Like Your Cousin Shelia? Why Can't You Be Like Your Cousin Shelia?" Shelia Had Died At Birth.

What We Do Is A Calling...we Make People Happy.

Making People Happy

I Succeeded By Saying What Everyone Else Is Thinking.

I Could Be The Greta Garbo Of Comedy, Very Secluded, But Garbo Had A Man Who Was Beyond Rich To Support Her.

I Was Not An Attractive Child. When I Didn't Use My Girl Scouts Uniform As A Uniform, I Used It As A Tent.

To Maintain Success, Stamina Is More Important Than Talent. You Have To Learn To Be A Marathon Runner.

Every Television Show You Go On Is A Choice.

At My Funeral, I Want Meryl Streep Crying In Five Different Accents.

I Have No Sex Appeal And It Has Screwed Me Up For Life; My Gynecologist Examines Me By Telephone.

Don't Talk To Me About Gravity. When I Get Out Of Bed In The Morning, I Have To Be Careful Not To Step On My Breasts.

My Earliest Childhood Memory Was Watching My Parents Loosen The Wheels On My Stroller.

When A Man Has A Birthday, He Takes A Day Off. When A Woman Has A Birthday, She Takes At Least Three Years Off.

My Mother Could Make Anybody Feel Guilty - She Used To Get Letters Of Apology From People She Didn't Even Know.

When You're First-generation Money, You Want To Say, "i Got A Mercedes And A Rolls And A Lamborghini. Take A Look." When You're Second-generation Money, You're Very Quiet Behind Your Country Club Doors. I Think That's Why People Are Much More Aware. It's The First-generation Wives That Have The Huge Rings And The Second-generation Says, "everyone Be Quiet As We Get On Our Yacht Or Our Private Plane."

I Was My Own Buddy In Camp.

Nothing Is Yours Permanently So You Better Enjoy It While It's Happening.

Keep Moving. It's Hard For Old Age To Hit A Moving Target.

You Don’t Marry For Love. What Does Love Got To Do With Marriage? I Spit On Love And Marriage. You Marry For Money.

Love And Marriage

Russell Brand Has Announced That He Plans To Write A Series Of Children's Books. First Up: 'horton Hears A Heroin Dealer.'

If You Don't Think You're Funny, No One Else Will.

I Think It Was Cosby Who Also Said To Me, 'if Only 2 Percent Of The World Thinks You're Funny, You'll Still Fill Stadiums For The Rest Of Your Life.'

Rest Of Your Life

My Routines Come Out Of Total Unhappiness. My Audiences Are My Group Therapy.

My Personal Style Is Over-the-top Dowager. The Old Days They Said Get Dressed And Take One Thing Off, I Say Get Dressed And Put One Thing On.

I Will Only Praise Someone Who Can't Take Anything Away From Me.

My Husband Wanted To Be Cremated. I Told Him I'd Scatter His Ashes At Neiman Marcus - That Way, I'd Visit Him Every Day.

God Always Comes Up With A Third Act Twist -- And We Won't Know Until We Die Whether The Play Was A Comedy Or A Tragedy.

I Like Colonic Irrigation Because Sometimes You Find Old Jewelry.

I Hate Housework! You Make The Beds, You Do The Dishes And Six Months Later You Have To Start All Over Again.

My Father Was A Doctor So I Was Around Death All My Life. So, I Was Very Used To It Because He Was A F-king Doctor.

I Think I've Lost 3lbs - I'm Very, Very Happy. I Thought Of It As Work And A Spa.

Every Time I Get On An Airplane I Figure It's Gonna Get Blown Up. You Live On The Edge.

The Last Time I Appeared In Las Vegas, They Were Wearing Hoop Skirts And Davy Crockett Hats, ... But They Say 'what Happens In Vegas, Stays In Vegas.' And As Far As Fashion Is Concerned, That's A Good Thing.

All My Friends Are Dying. That's Why I Always Wear Black.

The First Time I See A Jogger Smiling, I'll Consider It.

Emotional Troubles Are Like Landfill. Get Them Outside, And The Air Disintegrates Them.

I Don't Think There'd Be A Tina Fey Now If I Hadn't Tried To Look Good In The Beginning.

I Hate Mcdonald's. I Don't Want To Order My Dinner By Yelling Into A Clown's Mouth. If I Want My Face In A Clown's Mouth, I'll Tongue Kiss Glenn Beck.

Sold My House In La, Packed Myself Up And Moved To New York, Not Knowing Anybody. Friends Are Very Hard To Make After A Certain Age.

I Caused My Husband's Heart Attack. In The Middle Of Lovemaking I Took The Paper Bag Off My Head. He Dropped The Polaroid And Keeled Over And So Did The Hooker. It Would Have Taken Me Half An Hour To Untie Myself And Call The Paramedics, But Fortunately The Great Dane Could Dial.

There Is Nothing Funny About Aging: It Is Rotten And Depressing. Anyone Who Tells You Otherwise Just Hasn't Been Paying Attention.

I Am Not Lucky. I Am The Type Who Would Go To Lourdes And Drown In The Waters.

I Am A Dyke! And I'm Damn Proud Of It!

My Best Birth Control Now Is Just To Leave The Lights On.

Funny Relationship

My Sex Life Has Gone From Bad To Pathetic. My G Spot Stands For Godforsaken.

Better Laid Than Never.

At My Age An Affair Of The Heart Is A Bypass!

Funny Valentine

Why Should A Woman Cook? So Her Husband Can Say 'my Wife Makes A Delicious Cake' To Some Hooker?

With Age Comes Wisdom. You Don't Need Big Boobs To Be Feminine. Look At Liberace.

Anyone That Says Looks Don't Count Is Lying.

I'm No Cook. When I Want Lemon On Chicken, I Spray It With Pledge.

I Can't Wear Yellow Anymore. It's Too Matchy-matchy With My Catheter.

My Perfect Last Meal Would Be: Shrimp Cocktail, Lasagna, Steak, Creamed Spinach, Salad With Bleu Cheese Dressing, Onion Rings, Garlic Bread, And A Dessert Of Strawberry Shortcake.

Oprah Winfrey Is So Powerful That She Had The Rapture Postponed Until After Her Final Show Airs.

No More Botox For Me. Betty White's Bowels Move More Than My Face.

I Was So Ugly That My Parents Sent My Picture To 'ripley's Believe It Or Not' - They Sent It Back And Said, "we Don't Believe It."

I Am So Out Of The Loop. I Am Never Honored. My Career Is Hilarious To Me. I Am Either Under The Radar Or Over The Radar.

There Is Not One Female Comic Who Was Beautiful As A Little Girl.

Comedy Is Truth. We Should Not Apologize For It.

I Think I'm In A Business Where You Have To Look Good, And It's Totally Youth-oriented.

My Mother Was A Very Elegant Woman. When A Flying Saucer Landed On The Lawn, She Turned It Over To See If It Was Wedgwood.

I'm At The Top, Top, Top Of My Game Now. I'm So Happy To Be On That Stage, I'm In Control Of It, And I Love Every Minute Of It. I Walk Onstage In Rehearsal And I Start To Smile. And So I Just Don't Care What Anyone Else Is Doing. Do What You Want, Say What You Want. Nobody Else Can Do What I Do Onstage. Nobody.

You Know It's Time To Start Using Mouthwash When Your Dentist Leaves The Room And Sends In A Canary.

Two Is Company; Three Is Fifty Bucks.

Having A Baby Is Definitely A Labor Of Love.

What Could Be Nicer Than To Have Three Horrible Children Behind You In An Airplane, And The Next Set, You Go Onstage And You Talk About How Much You Despise The Children And What You Would Like To Do To Them On An Airplane? That's The Only Time I Would Gladly Take A Terrorist On. It'd Be Worth It To Get Rid Of These Children.

My Body Is A Temple, And My Temple Needs Redecorating.

I’ve Had So Much Plastic Surgery, When I Die They Will Donate My Body To Tupperware.

How To Fool Yourself Into Feeling Younger: When You Go To Restaurants, Always Check A Coat And A Skateboard.

The Thing Is, I'm Happiest When I'm On Stage.

Some Women Take Up The Law And Become Lawyers. Other Women Lay Down The Law And Become Wives.

With This Face, I Need All The Deals I Can Get.

I've Learned To Have Absolutely No Regrets About Any Jokes I've Ever Done.

One Of The Most Rebellious Things A Woman Can Do Is Allow People To Think She’s Mean.

You Know You're Getting Old When Work Is A Lot Less Fun And Fun Is A Lot More Work.

I've Learned From My Dealings With Johnny Carson That No Matter What Kind Of Friendship You Think You Have With People You're Working With, When The Chips Are Down, It's All About Business.

Comedy Exists To Laugh At Things That Aren't Laughable. But Isn't It? That's What Separates Us From The Animals. We Laugh.

If You Don't Go To Broadway, You're A Fool. On Broadway, Off Broadway, Above Broadway, Below Broadway, Go! Don't Tell Me There Isn't Something Wonderful Playing. If I'm Home In New York At Night, I'm Either At A Broadway Or An Off Broadway Show. We're In The Theater Capital Of The World, And If You Don't Get It, You're An Idiot.

Gay Marriage, I Am So Against It Because If All My Gay Friends Get Married, It Will Cost Me A Fortune In Gifts.

I Wish I Could Tell You It Gets Better. It Doesn't Get Better. You Get Better.

Having My Daughter, I Screamed For Twenty-three Hours Straight. And That Was Just During Conception.

Is Elizabeth Taylor Fat? Her Favorite Food Is Seconds.

Life Is Hard. And We Better Laugh At Everything, Otherwise We're Going Down The Tube.

She's So Fat, She's My Two Best Friends.

Two Best Friends

When You First Get Married, They Open The Car Door For You. Eighteen Years Now...once He Opened The Car Door For Me In The Last Four Years - We Were On The Freeway At The Time.

If God Wanted Us To Bend Over He'd Put Diamonds On The Floor.

Anyone That Says Looks Don't Count Is Lying. Of Course They Do. Even Babies Go To The Attractive Face. It's The Way Humans Work.

I've Learned From Doing My Own Show With Fox That People Are Not Your Partners If They're Signing The Checks. Whoever Signs Your Paycheck Is The Boss - No Matter What They Tell You.

I Think Hillary Clinton's Style Is Perfect. Perfect. You Don't Notice What She's Wearing, You Notice The Woman.

I Always Like A Charity With People Who Don't Speak English Because I Get Them To Do All Kinds Of Things Around My House.

The Psychic Scars Caused By Believing That You Are Ugly Leave A Permanent Mark On Your Personality.

I Once Dated A Guy So Dumb He Could Not Count To 21 Unless He Was Naked

She's So Pure, Moses Couldn't Even Part Her Knees.

I Lived To Be On Stage, And I'm Terrified. Terrified Before Every Show.

I Hate Reality Shows That Are Not Reality.

There Are Many Self-help Books By Ph.d.s, But I Hold A Different Degree: An I.b.t.i.a.-i've Been Through It All. This Degree Comes Not On Parchment But Gauze, And It Entitles Me To Tell You That There Is A Way To Get Through Any Misfortune.

If You're Saying The Same Line 10 Times And Making It Look Like You Just Came Up With It, That's Acting.

Show Business Can Be An Addiction. ... An Audience Would Laugh At Me One Night, And I Would Chase That High For Another Three Months.

My Mother Told Me 'man On Top, Woman Underneath.' For Years My Husband & I Slept In Bunk Beds.

Don't Tell Your Kids You Had An Easy Birth Or They Won't Respect You. For Years I Used To Wake Up My Daughter And Say, 'melissa You Ripped Me To Shreds. Now Go Back To Sleep.'.

I Have To Tell You That It's Not Going To Be Easy. Take Every Chance And Every Opportunity That You Can. Don't Say 'i Can't' Or 'i Shouldn't' Or 'i'm Too Tired.'

I Have A Million Dollar Figure ... But It's All Loose Change.

There's Always An Adjective Before My Name, And It's Never A Nice One.

Self-pity Shortens Your Life.

I Don't Mind Aging, I Just Don't Want To Be A Day Older.

I've Learned: When You Get Older, Who Cares? I Don't Mince Words, I Don't Hold Back. What Are You Gonna Do To Me? Fire Me? It's Been Done. Threaten To Commit Suicide? Done. Take Away My Show? Done! Not Invite To Me To The Vanity Fair Party? I've Never Been Invited! If I Ever Saw The Invitation, I'd Use It As Toilet Paper.

I'm So Fat And I'm So Depressed; Last Night I Tried To Hang Myself - But The Rope Broke.

If You're Not A Wreck In This Business, You're Not Around.

That Baby Is So Ugly... I've Never Seen A Six-month-old So Desperately In Need Of A Wax.

Life Is A Movie, And You're The Star. Give It A Happy Ending.

Something Terrific Will Come No Matter How Dark The Present.

That Girl Had A Great Way Of Making Friends, And Strangers, And Anyone Else Who Was Around.

Never Floss A Stranger.

But You Do Have To Learn, If You Want To Be A Satirist, You Can't Be Part Of The Party. Meaning, You Can't Go Horseback Riding With Jackie O In Central Park If You're Going To Make A Joke About Her That Night.

The Only Street I Like Is Rue Honore De Balzac, Because 'balzac' Sound So Gay, And I Love My Gays. I Might Like Parisians More If They Named Their Streets Only For Gay Icons, Like Rue Liza Minnelli Or Rue Bette Midler Or, My Favorite, Rue Mcclanahan.

I Have No Sex Appeal, Which Kills Me. The Only Way I Can Ever Hear Heavy Breathing From My Husband's Side Of The Bed Is When He's Having An Asthma Attack.

Why Should I Cook For My Husband? So He Can Tell A Hooker I Make A Delicious Cake?

A German Sense Of Humor Is An Oxymoron.

The Ideal Beauty Is A Fugitive Which Is Never Found.

A Woman Went To A Plastic Surgeon And Asked Him To Make Her Like Bo Derek. He Gave Her A Lobotomy.

The Nice Thing About Viagra Is That They Are Proving Men Can Go Blind On It, So You Can Gain Weight And Have A Great Sex Life.

Don’t Worry About The Money. Love The Process.

Mick Jagger Could French-kiss A Moose. He Has Child-bearing Lips.

Yeah, I Read History. But It Doesn't Make You Nice. Hitler Read History, Too.

Grandchildren Can Be Annoying - How Many Times Can You Go: "and The Cow Goes Moo And The Pig Goes Oink"? It's Like Talking To A Supermodel.

I Have No Boobs Whatsoever. On My Wedding Night My Husband Said, 'let Me Help You With Those Buttons' And I Told Him, 'i'm Completely Naked'.

When My Husband Edgar And I Were Courting, He Said He Couldn't Wait To Have A Baby. It Was Only After We Were Married That He Changed His Mind And Decided That I Should Have The Baby.

I Have A Wonderful Psychiatrist That I See Maybe Once A Year, Because I Don't Need It. It All Comes Out Onstage.

You’re Going To Get What I Think Is The Truth, And It’s Going To Be Raw.

Omaha Is A Little Like Newark, Without Newark's Glamour.

Welcome To My World! I've Been Through It All, And I Often Pinch Myself To Believe My Luck. I Design Jewlery, Create Cosmetics, Perform Comedy, Act, Lecture, Write Books, Travel, Have A Fabulous Daughter, And A Phenomenal Grandson-and I Feel I'm The Luckiest Woman On The Planet.

All Babies Look Like Renée Zellweger Pushed Against A Glass Window.

I Was Getting Dressed And A Peeping Tom Looked In The Window, Took A Look And Pulled Down The Shade.

A Child Can Be Taught Not To Do Certain Things, Such As Touch A Hot Stove, Pull Lamps Off Of Tables, And Wake Mommy Before Noon.

Before We Make Love My Husband Takes A Pain Killer. I Blame My Mother For My Poor Sex Life. All She Told Me Was, 'the Man Goes On Top And The Woman Underneath'. For Three Years My Husband And I Slept On Bunk Beds. I'm A Double Bagger. Not Only Does My Husband Put A Bag Over My Face When We're Making Love, But He Also Puts A Bag Over His Head In Case Mine Falls Off. It's So Long Since I've Had Sex, I've Forgotten Who Ties Up Whom. My Best Birth Control Now Is To Leave The Lights On.

Before We Make Love, My Husband Takes A Pain Killer.

My Sex Life Is So Bad, My G-spot Has Been Declared A Historical Landmark.

Tonight I'll Be Interviewing Ken Watanabe, Keisha Castle Hughes, Benecio Del Toro And Djimon Honsou - And Yes, Those Are Actors, Not Caterers.

I’m Never Without A Bandage.

Plastic Surgery

Life Goes By Fast. Enjoy It. Calm Down. It's All Funny.

Thought Provoking

If You Don't Want Gays In The Military, Make The Uniforms Ugly.

Obama Came In And Said He Was Going Turn Everything Around, And You Can't. Give The Guy A Break. But I Question A Lot Of What's Happening. It's Certainly Going To Reflect In My Vote, But Who Else Is There? It's A Horrible Time, Because People Vote Party Lines Instead Of What's Good For The Country. I Think The Whole Health Care Issue Turned So Ugly, Because Of Party Lines, And That's Not What That's Supposed To Be About.

The Glass Is Always Half Empty. All Good Comedians Are Manic-depressive.

I've Learned To Have Absolutely No Regrets About Any Jokes I've Ever Done. You Can Tune Me Out, You Can Click Me Off, It's Ok. I Am Not Going To Bow To Political Correctness.

If I Found Yoko Ono Floating In My Pool, I'd Punish My Dog.

Money Can't Buy You Happiness But It Can Pay For The Plastic Surgery.

My Daughter And I Are Very Close, We Speak Every Single Day And I Call Her Every Day And I Say The Same Thing, "pick Up, I Know You're There."

I'm Going Out With These Old Guys. One Guy Gave Me A Hickey And Left His Teeth In My Neck. Another Man, We Were Having A Perfectly Lovely Dinner; He Looked Up And Me And Went: You're Not My Wife! Another Guy Died During Dinner. I Had To Go In His Pocket To Get The American Express Card. Then You Wonder: What Would He Tip? Another Guy Said: I Want You To Meet My Family, And Took Me To The Cemetery.

The Fashion Magazines Are Suggesting That Women Wear Clothes That Are 'age Appropriate.' For Me That Would Be A Shroud.

What I Love About Jewelry Is You Can Change It For Something Else Without Surgery.

Learn What Not To Expect. Irish Catholic They Get Sh**** Little Rings. Irish Women Get Crappy Rings. Baptist Get The Worst Because They Get The Rings Under Water. When It Comes Up, It's Garbage. Jewish, Big Rings. Episcopalian Big Rings. Italians-the Best, Because They Get Them Off Of Dead People, And Second Wives Get The Biggest Rings Of All.

I Enjoy Life When Things Are Happening. I Don't Care If It's Good Things Or Bad Things. That Means You're Alive.

Travel Is The Excitement Of Life! Everything Is An Adventure, And If You Look At It Like That, Even At The Worst Moment You Can Say: 'we Will Laugh Tomorrow About This.' And You Do.

I Think Any Celebrity That Adopts A Child From A Third World Country Is A Fool.

Having A Baby Can Be A Scream.

Comedy Is A Very Rough Beat. It's No Holds Barred, As It Should Be.

People Say That Money Is Not The Key To Happiness, But I Always Figured If You Have Enough Money, You Can Have A Key Made.

Tom Cruise And Katie Holmes Had The Baby. He Was There For The Birth. It Would've Been Nice If He Was There For The Conception.

A Female Salmon Lays Three Thousand Eggs A Year - And Has Yet To Receive A Mother's Day Card From One Of Them.

The Last Time I Saw A Blonde With Red Streaks In Her Hair She Was Laying On Oscar Pistorius' Bathroom Floor.

I Am Furious About Everything.

Marriage Isn't A Contest To See Who Is Most Often Right. Marriage Requires Being What The Japanese Call 'the Wise Bamboo,' Which Means You Bend So You Don't Break. Treat Your Spouse With The Flexibility And Respect You Would Give To A Top Client. Think How We Treat Clients; We Smile, We Are Polite, We Listen To Their Ideas. Never Forget That Your Spouse Is Your Most Important Client.

I Could Never Be In A Cult. For Starters, They Never Accessorize Properly. David Koresh Had No Fashion Sense, Jim Jones Wore Leisure Suits, And I Don't Care How Charismatic Osama Bin Laden Was, An Ak-47 And An Insulin Drip Do Not Take The Place Of Drop Earrings Or A Well-placed Brooch.

Anger Is A Symptom, A Way Of Cloaking And Expressing Feelings Too Awful To Experience Directly - Hurt, Bitterness, Grief And, Most Of All, Fear.

Women Should Look Good. Work On Yourselves. Education? I Spit On Education. No Man Is Ever Going To Put His Hand Up Your Dress Looking For A Library Card.

The People Voting For The Oscars Are So Old. I Haven't Seen One Academy Award Voter With A Tampon In Her Purse.

The Palestinians Cannot Throw Rockets And Expect People Not To Defend Themselves

I Think It's Time They Knew The Truth About Beethoven.

Classical Music

I Was Absorbing A Sorry Truth Of Show Business - Rejection Is The Norm And Acceptance The Oddity. I Was Learning To Cut The Tops Off My Highs And Stay With The Lows Where The Rejections And Letdowns Would Be Shallow.

I Wear The Midi Because I Feel If You're Going To Look Ugly, You May As Well Look This Year's Ugly.

I Was Smart Enough To Go Through Any Door That Opened.

As A Wedding Gift, Ray J Gave Kim Kardashian His Profits From Their Sex Tape. It's 'something Old' As Well As 'something Blew.'

Life Is Very Tough. If You Don't Laugh, It's Tough.

Mel Gibson's Father Doesn't Think There Was A Holocaust? Great. I Don't Think There's A Movie. We're Even.

Elizabeth Taylor Has More Chins Than The Chinese Telephone Directory.

I'm Sure Some Of You Are Wondering Whether My Breasts Are Real. Let Me Just Explain To You. This One Is, This One Isn't.

The Fun Of Working On The Road Means Stealing From Hotels. I've Been Doing It For So Long, I Have A Set Of Towels From The Ark.

I Said Justin Bieber Looked Like A Little Lesbian -- And I Stand By It: He's The Daughter Cher Wishes She'd Had.

I'll Lie Still For A Lot Of Things - But Sex Isn't One Of Them.

I Told My Mother-in-law That My House Was Her House, And She Said, 'get The Hell Off My Property.'

Diets, Like Clothes, Should Be Tailored To You.

The First Rule Of Survival Is: Make Your Own Rules. The Hell Anyone Thinks About The Way You're Acting; Listen Only To Yourself.

Looking 50 Is Great, If You're 60.

Somehow, Some Way, Every Person In The Arts Has To Find An Accommodation With Disappointment And Embarrassment. They Are The Pollen In The Air We Breathe. If You Must Go Into The Arts, Go Into Them For Yourself Alone. On Some Basic Level You Must Enjoy The Act Of Doing It ... Otherwise, You Are Going To End Up Frustrated And Unhappy. Recognition In The Arts Is Luck And Gravy.

Both Of My Parents Got To See Me Host Carson, Thank God. That's All Anyone Wants: To Have Their Parents See They're Going To Be All Right In Life.

"i Wouldn't Go Over Here To Lisa Rinna And I Would Say 'are Those Breasts Real, Are You Wearing Underwear?'"

I Think We All In Comedi Business, Especially When We Reach A Certain Age, Are Divas Up To A Point. I Love When A Limousine Comes For Me, I Can't Lie About That. I Love When You Go To A Restaurant And They Say, "come This Way, Miss Rivers," And You Get A Good Table. I Love All That, The Perks That Come With The Business.

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