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Sold My House In La, Packed Myself Up And Moved To New York, Not Knowing Anybody. Friends Are Very Hard To Make After A Certain Age.

-Joan Rivers

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Sold My House In

Joan Rivers

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Sold My House In La, Packed Myself Up And Moved To New York, Not Knowing Anybody. Friends Are Very Hard To Make After A Certain Age.

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My Parents Hated Me. All I Ever Heard Was, "why Can't You Be Like Your Cousin Shelia? Why Can't You Be Like Your Cousin Shelia?" Shelia Had Died At Birth.

My Daughter And I Are Very Close, We Speak Every Single Day And I Call Her Every Day And I Say The Same Thing, "pick Up, I Know You're There."

Acting Is My True Love. I Would Like To Have Been A Serious Actor, And I Plan To In The Next Life. I'm Gonna Be Meryl Streep Rivers.

My Perfect Last Meal Would Be: Shrimp Cocktail, Lasagna, Steak, Creamed Spinach, Salad With Bleu Cheese Dressing, Onion Rings, Garlic Bread, And A Dessert Of Strawberry Shortcake.

I Don't Mind Aging, I Just Don't Want To Be A Day Older.

I Succeeded By Saying What Everyone Else Is Thinking.

The Nice Thing About Viagra Is That They Are Proving Men Can Go Blind On It, So You Can Gain Weight And Have A Great Sex Life.

Anyone That Says Looks Don't Count Is Lying. Of Course They Do. Even Babies Go To The Attractive Face. It's The Way Humans Work.

Travel Is The Excitement Of Life! Everything Is An Adventure, And If You Look At It Like That, Even At The Worst Moment You Can Say: 'we Will Laugh Tomorrow About This.' And You Do.

If I Found Yoko Ono Floating In My Pool, I'd Punish My Dog.

The People Voting For The Oscars Are So Old. I Haven't Seen One Academy Award Voter With A Tampon In Her Purse.

There Are Many Self-help Books By Ph.d.s, But I Hold A Different Degree: An I.b.t.i.a.-i've Been Through It All. This Degree Comes Not On Parchment But Gauze, And It Entitles Me To Tell You That There Is A Way To Get Through Any Misfortune.

Every Time I Get On An Airplane I Figure It's Gonna Get Blown Up. You Live On The Edge.

If You Hate Something, You Hate It, And If You Like Something Or Somebody, You Like It, But Tell The Truth. And Most Celebrities Have That Thin Veneer That They Will Not Break For You.

Telling The Truth

I Now Consider It A Good Day When I Don't Step On My Boobs.

I Knew I Was An Unwanted Baby When I Saw That My Bath Toys Were A Toaster And A Radio.

My Personal Style Is Over-the-top Dowager. The Old Days They Said Get Dressed And Take One Thing Off, I Say Get Dressed And Put One Thing On.

Joan Collins Told A Reporter That She Hasn't Had Plastic Surgery; Come On... She's Had More Tucks Than A Motel Bedsheet!

I Am Definitely Going To Watch The Emmys This Year! My Makeup Team Is Nominated For “best Special Effects.”

Having A Baby Is Definitely A Labor Of Love.

What Are People Going To Do? Fire Me? I've Been Fired Before. Not Book Me? I've Been Out Of Work Before. I Don't Care.

I Hate Housework! You Make The Beds, You Do The Dishes And Six Months Later You Have To Start All Over Again.

What I Love About Jewelry Is You Can Change It For Something Else Without Surgery.

I Once Dated A Guy So Dumb He Could Not Count To 21 Unless He Was Naked

Boy George Is All England Needs. Another Queen Who Can't Dress.

Al Roker Said I Am 80 Years 'young'; It's Like Saying Al Roker Is 320 Pounds 'thin'.

If You Can't Make Fun Of Yourself, You Don't Have Any Right To Make Fun Of Others

Marriage Isn't A Contest To See Who Is Most Often Right. Marriage Requires Being What The Japanese Call 'the Wise Bamboo,' Which Means You Bend So You Don't Break. Treat Your Spouse With The Flexibility And Respect You Would Give To A Top Client. Think How We Treat Clients; We Smile, We Are Polite, We Listen To Their Ideas. Never Forget That Your Spouse Is Your Most Important Client.

No Man Will Ever Put His Hand Up Your Dress Looking For A Library Card.

The Glass Is Always Half Empty. All Good Comedians Are Manic-depressive.

Life Goes By Fast. Enjoy It...everyone Gets So Upset About The Wrong Things.

I Am Furious About Everything.

I Was So Flat I Used To Put Xs On My Chest And Write, 'you Are Here.' I Wore Angora Sweaters Just So The Guys Would Have Something To Pet.

I Hate Billings, Montana. They Have A Fashion Show At Sears Roebuck

I Am Not Lucky. I Am The Type Who Would Go To Lourdes And Drown In The Waters.

There Is Not One Female Comic Who Was Beautiful As A Little Girl.

Elizabeth Taylor Was So Fat That Whenever She Went To London In A Red Dress, 30 Passengers Would Try To Board Her.

I Have A Wonderful Psychiatrist That I See Maybe Once A Year, Because I Don't Need It. It All Comes Out Onstage.

My Face Has Been Tucked In More Times Than A Bedsheet At The Holiday Inn.

The Only Way I Can Get A Man To Touch Me At This Age Is Plastic Surgery.

Before We Make Love My Husband Takes A Pain Killer. I Blame My Mother For My Poor Sex Life. All She Told Me Was, 'the Man Goes On Top And The Woman Underneath'. For Three Years My Husband And I Slept On Bunk Beds. I'm A Double Bagger. Not Only Does My Husband Put A Bag Over My Face When We're Making Love, But He Also Puts A Bag Over His Head In Case Mine Falls Off. It's So Long Since I've Had Sex, I've Forgotten Who Ties Up Whom. My Best Birth Control Now Is To Leave The Lights On.

The Worst Thing That Ever Happened To Me On Stage Is Someone Ran Forward To Tell Me They Loved Me And Projectile Vomited All Over The Stage. It Was Horrible.

The First Time I See A Jogger Smiling, I'll Consider It.

I Was Getting Dressed And A Peeping Tom Looked In The Window, Took A Look And Pulled Down The Shade.

I Think Anyone Who's Perfectly Happy Isn't Particularly Funny.

Our Natures Are A Lot Like Oil, Mix Us With Anything Else, And We Strive To Swim On Top.

I Have Flabby Thighs, But Fortunately My Stomach Covers Them.

If You're Not A Wreck In This Business, You're Not Around.

Run Scared ... And They Never Catch You.

Comedy Is Truth. We Should Not Apologize For It.

And Since We're All Adults Here, Let's Be Brutally Honest-most Babies Are Not Actually Attractive. In Fact, They're Weird And Freakish Looking. A Large Percentage Of Them Are Squinty-eyed And Bald And Their Faces Are All Mushed Toegther, Kind Of Like Renee Zellweger Pushed Up Against A Glass Window.

I Hate Reality Shows That Are Not Reality.

You Know It's Time To Start Using Mouthwash When Your Dentist Leaves The Room And Sends In A Canary.

I've Learned From My Dealings With Johnny Carson That No Matter What Kind Of Friendship You Think You Have With People You're Working With, When The Chips Are Down, It's All About Business.

My Breasts Are So Low, Now I Can Have A Mammogram And A Pedicure At The Same Time.

My Mother Could Make Anybody Feel Guilty - She Used To Get Letters Of Apology From People She Didn't Even Know.

Is Elizabeth Taylor Fat? Her Favorite Food Is Seconds.

The Last Time I Saw A Blonde With Red Streaks In Her Hair She Was Laying On Oscar Pistorius' Bathroom Floor.

I Could Never Be In A Cult. For Starters, They Never Accessorize Properly. David Koresh Had No Fashion Sense, Jim Jones Wore Leisure Suits, And I Don't Care How Charismatic Osama Bin Laden Was, An Ak-47 And An Insulin Drip Do Not Take The Place Of Drop Earrings Or A Well-placed Brooch.

When You Can Laugh At Yourself No One Can Ever Make A Fool Of You.

Laugh At Yourself

Never Floss A Stranger.

That Baby Is So Ugly... I've Never Seen A Six-month-old So Desperately In Need Of A Wax.

Nothing Is Yours Permanently So You Better Enjoy It While It's Happening.

I Wear The Midi Because I Feel If You're Going To Look Ugly, You May As Well Look This Year's Ugly.

Sold My House In La, Packed Myself Up And Moved To New York, Not Knowing Anybody. Friends Are Very Hard To Make After A Certain Age.

Looking 50 Is Great, If You're 60.

At My Age An Affair Of The Heart Is A Bypass!

Funny Valentine

If You Don't Think You're Funny, No One Else Will.

Life Goes By Fast. Enjoy It. Calm Down. It's All Funny.

Thought Provoking

Diets, Like Clothes, Should Be Tailored To You.

I Can't Like Watching Project Runway With Heidi Klum. There's Just Something Wrong About A German Woman Saying Who Goes And Who Stays

I Caused My Husband's Heart Attack. In The Middle Of Lovemaking I Took The Paper Bag Off My Head. He Dropped The Polaroid And Keeled Over And So Did The Hooker. It Would Have Taken Me Half An Hour To Untie Myself And Call The Paramedics, But Fortunately The Great Dane Could Dial.

Life Is Very Tough. If You Don't Laugh, It's Tough.

I Was Born In 1962, And The Room Next To Me Was 1963.

To The Pessimist The Light At The End Of The Tunnel Is Another Train.

Elizabeth Taylor's So Fat She Puts Mayonnaise On Aspirin.

You’re Going To Get What I Think Is The Truth, And It’s Going To Be Raw.

Last Night I Asked My Husband, 'what's Your Favorite Sexual Position?' And He Said, 'next Door.'

Anger Is A Symptom, A Way Of Cloaking And Expressing Feelings Too Awful To Experience Directly - Hurt, Bitterness, Grief And, Most Of All, Fear.

I Told My Mother-in-law That My House Was Her House, And She Said, 'get The Hell Off My Property.'

Comedy - And I Say This With Humility - Comedy Needs Me.

To Maintain Success, Stamina Is More Important Than Talent. You Have To Learn To Be A Marathon Runner.

She's So Fat, She's My Two Best Friends.

Two Best Friends

You Know You're Getting Old When Work Is A Lot Less Fun And Fun Is A Lot More Work.

When You're First-generation Money, You Want To Say, "i Got A Mercedes And A Rolls And A Lamborghini. Take A Look." When You're Second-generation Money, You're Very Quiet Behind Your Country Club Doors. I Think That's Why People Are Much More Aware. It's The First-generation Wives That Have The Huge Rings And The Second-generation Says, "everyone Be Quiet As We Get On Our Yacht Or Our Private Plane."

Now, I'm Not Against Sex Before Marriage, But Two Minutes Before? When The Organist Played "here Comes The Bride".

Dogs Are Easier To Love Than People; They're Certainly More Dependable. Once They Love You, That's It. A True Friend In Life Is A Dog.

Self-pity Shortens Your Life.

My Mother Told Me 'man On Top, Woman Underneath.' For Years My Husband & I Slept In Bunk Beds.

I've Learned To Have Absolutely No Regrets About Any Jokes I've Ever Done.

But You Do Have To Learn, If You Want To Be A Satirist, You Can't Be Part Of The Party. Meaning, You Can't Go Horseback Riding With Jackie O In Central Park If You're Going To Make A Joke About Her That Night.

Age - It's The One Mountain You Can't Overcome.

I Was Just Reading About The New Lindsay Lohan Diet, Which Is All Liquid. 80 Proof.

If You Don't Go To Broadway, You're A Fool. On Broadway, Off Broadway, Above Broadway, Below Broadway, Go! Don't Tell Me There Isn't Something Wonderful Playing. If I'm Home In New York At Night, I'm Either At A Broadway Or An Off Broadway Show. We're In The Theater Capital Of The World, And If You Don't Get It, You're An Idiot.

Don't Follow Any Advice, No Matter How Good, Until You Feel As Deeply In Your Spirit As You Think In Your Mind That The Counsel Is Wise.

I Could Be The Greta Garbo Of Comedy, Very Secluded, But Garbo Had A Man Who Was Beyond Rich To Support Her.

Show Business Can Be An Addiction. ... An Audience Would Laugh At Me One Night, And I Would Chase That High For Another Three Months.

Moving On Is A Gift You Give Yourself.

"i've Learned What's Funny Verbally Ain't So Funny On E-mail: They Don't Hear Your Intonations. Melissa Broke Up With Somebody Over That. She Tried To Tell Him: "that Was A Joke!" But He Just Didn't Get It. Mick Jagger Said, "f- 'em If They Don't Get The Joke." And I Love Him. That Comes With Age: Knowing It's Their Problem, Not Mine."

How To Fool Yourself Into Feeling Younger: When You Go To Restaurants, Always Check A Coat And A Skateboard.

I Think Actual Death Will Be A Lot Easier Than Dying On Stage. Cause - You Know - If You Do [actual Death] Right, You Can Go Looking Good. Maybe With A Little Quip [like]: 'i Loved Everybody.' But Dying On Stage...oh, God!

[when Told That Her Grandchild Had Her Nose:] I Didn't Get This Nose Until I Was Thirty-four.

The Fashion Magazines Are Suggesting That Women Wear Clothes That Are 'age Appropriate.' For Me That Would Be A Shroud.

Somehow, Some Way, Every Person In The Arts Has To Find An Accommodation With Disappointment And Embarrassment. They Are The Pollen In The Air We Breathe. If You Must Go Into The Arts, Go Into Them For Yourself Alone. On Some Basic Level You Must Enjoy The Act Of Doing It ... Otherwise, You Are Going To End Up Frustrated And Unhappy. Recognition In The Arts Is Luck And Gravy.

I'll Lie Still For A Lot Of Things - But Sex Isn't One Of Them.

Mick Jagger Could French-kiss A Moose. He Has Child-bearing Lips.

Don't Talk To Me About Gravity. When I Get Out Of Bed In The Morning, I Have To Be Careful Not To Step On My Breasts.

With This Face, I Need All The Deals I Can Get.

I Said Justin Bieber Looked Like A Little Lesbian -- And I Stand By It: He's The Daughter Cher Wishes She'd Had.

Mel Gibson's Father Doesn't Think There Was A Holocaust? Great. I Don't Think There's A Movie. We're Even.

I Finally Found Out How Priests Get Holy Water. They Boil The Hell Out Of It.

Never Buy A Fur From A Vegetarian.

Some Women Take Up The Law And Become Lawyers. Other Women Lay Down The Law And Become Wives.

My Father Was A Doctor So I Was Around Death All My Life. So, I Was Very Used To It Because He Was A F-king Doctor.

Women Should Look Good. Work On Yourselves. Education? I Spit On Education. No Man Is Ever Going To Put His Hand Up Your Dress Looking For A Library Card.

Both Of My Parents Got To See Me Host Carson, Thank God. That's All Anyone Wants: To Have Their Parents See They're Going To Be All Right In Life.

Happiness, At My Age, Is Breathing

I Said To My Husband, 'my Boobs Have Gone, My Stomach's Gone, Say Something Nice About My Legs.' He Said, 'blue Goes With Everything.'

My Body Is Dropping So Fast, My Gynecologist Wears A Hard Hat.

One Of The Most Rebellious Things A Woman Can Do Is Allow People To Think She’s Mean.

I Was Dating A Transvestite, And My Mother Said, "marry Him, You'll Double Your Wardrobe."

Anyone That Says Looks Don't Count Is Lying.

People Say That Money Is Not The Key To Happiness, But I Always Figured If You Have Enough Money, You Can Have A Key Made.

I Think Anyone Who's Perfectly Happy Isn't Particularly Funny. And When You're Very, Very Happy, You're Not Very Funny. You're Just Happy. I'd Rather Be Damaged And Funny.

The Palestinians Cannot Throw Rockets And Expect People Not To Defend Themselves

Keep Moving. It's Hard For Old Age To Hit A Moving Target.

I Wish I Could Tell You It Gets Better. It Doesn't Get Better. You Get Better.

My Best Birth Control Now Is Just To Leave The Lights On.

Funny Relationship

I Have A Million Dollar Figure ... But It's All Loose Change.

Every Television Show You Go On Is A Choice.

Every Comedian Is Furious. Age Makes Me Angry. I'm Unhappy At Not Being Able To Open Packages Anymore. I'm Angry That Libraries Have Gone. I Hate Children On Planes. I'm Very Shallow, So They Tend To Be Little Things. To Be Honest, I Think I Was Probably Angry The Day I Was Born, You Know, About Diapers Or Something.

There Is Nothing Funny About Aging: It Is Rotten And Depressing. Anyone Who Tells You Otherwise Just Hasn't Been Paying Attention.

Valentine's Day Is Different For Old People. At This Age I Receive Chocolates In Boxes Shaped Like Artificial Hearts.

Never Admit That Your Back Goes Out More Than You Do

I Lived To Be On Stage, And I'm Terrified. Terrified Before Every Show.

A Child Can Be Taught Not To Do Certain Things, Such As Touch A Hot Stove, Pull Lamps Off Of Tables, And Wake Mommy Before Noon.

The Psychic Scars Caused By Believing That You Are Ugly Leave A Permanent Mark On Your Personality.

At My Funeral, I Want Meryl Streep Crying In Five Different Accents.

If Two People Want To Get Married, Get Married! The Victorians Had A Great Saying: As Long As It Doesn't Scare The Horses, Do What You Want. And I Absolutely Believe That.

The Last Time I Appeared In Las Vegas, They Were Wearing Hoop Skirts And Davy Crockett Hats, ... But They Say 'what Happens In Vegas, Stays In Vegas.' And As Far As Fashion Is Concerned, That's A Good Thing.

Because I'm The Only Performer Who Comes Out And Says I've Had Plastic Surgery, I've Become The Plastic Surgery Poster Girl, Which Is Hilarious, Because Everybody Has Done It And They All Deny It. They Stand There, Like The Bride Of Frankenstein, They've All Got Stitches, And They All Say, 'i've Done Nothing.' I Talk About It.

Comediennes Are The Lucky Ones, Because If You're Funny, You Can Be 125 Years Old And They Will Still Accept You.

Want To Know Why Women Don't Blink During Foreplay? Not Enough Time.

Russell Brand Has Announced That He Plans To Write A Series Of Children's Books. First Up: 'horton Hears A Heroin Dealer.'

Remember A Few Years Ago When They Left Bea Arthur Out Of The Death Reel At The Oscars? Bea Arthur! How Did They Leave Bea Arthur Out? She Was In Mame; She Was In All In The Family; She Was In Maude; She Was A Golden Girl, For God's Sake! Bea Was Not Only One Of Hollywood's Leading Ladies, She Was One Of Hollywood's Leading Men!

My Earliest Childhood Memory Was Watching My Parents Loosen The Wheels On My Stroller.

Money Can't Buy You Happiness But It Can Pay For The Plastic Surgery.

I Think Any Celebrity That Adopts A Child From A Third World Country Is A Fool.

My Husband Wanted To Be Cremated. I Told Him I'd Scatter His Ashes At Neiman Marcus - That Way, I'd Visit Him Every Day.

I Have No Methods. All I Do Is Accept People As They Are.

I Think I've Lost 3lbs - I'm Very, Very Happy. I Thought Of It As Work And A Spa.

Any Form Of Complacency Is The Kiss Of Death For Any Professional.

She Doesn't Understand The Concept Of Roman Numerals. She Thought We Just Fought In World War Eleven.

Omaha Is A Little Like Newark, Without Newark's Glamour.

I Like My Politicians And My Judges And My Lawyers To Be Simple. I Think If You Worry About Where Your Hemline Is You're Really Not Concentrating On The World Crisis.

I've Learned: When You Get Older, Who Cares? I Don't Mince Words, I Don't Hold Back. What Are You Gonna Do To Me? Fire Me? It's Been Done. Threaten To Commit Suicide? Done. Take Away My Show? Done! Not Invite To Me To The Vanity Fair Party? I've Never Been Invited! If I Ever Saw The Invitation, I'd Use It As Toilet Paper.

I Think We All In Comedi Business, Especially When We Reach A Certain Age, Are Divas Up To A Point. I Love When A Limousine Comes For Me, I Can't Lie About That. I Love When You Go To A Restaurant And They Say, "come This Way, Miss Rivers," And You Get A Good Table. I Love All That, The Perks That Come With The Business.

You Know Why I Feel Older? I Went To Buy Sexy Underwear And They Automatically Gift Wrapped It.

Here's A Thanksgiving Tip. Generally, Your Turkey Is Not Cooked Enough If It Passes You The Cranberry Sauce.

Your Proudest Moment Is To Watch Your Egg Not Just Function, But To Achieve On Her Own.

If God Wanted Us To Bend Over He'd Put Diamonds On The Floor.

Before We Make Love, My Husband Takes A Pain Killer.

I've Always Hate Child Stars, Starting From Way Back When, When I Was A Child. The First Child Star I Saw Was Shirley Temple. She Was Six Years Old, Two Foot Six And The Biggest Star In Hollywood. She Wore Ribbons In Her Hair, And Frilly Little Pinafores And Shiny Patent-leather Tap Shoes - Just Like The Boys In Glee Do.

You Don’t Marry For Love. What Does Love Got To Do With Marriage? I Spit On Love And Marriage. You Marry For Money.

Love And Marriage

Having My Daughter, I Screamed For Twenty-three Hours Straight. And That Was Just During Conception.

If You Don't Want Gays In The Military, Make The Uniforms Ugly.

The Only Street I Like Is Rue Honore De Balzac, Because 'balzac' Sound So Gay, And I Love My Gays. I Might Like Parisians More If They Named Their Streets Only For Gay Icons, Like Rue Liza Minnelli Or Rue Bette Midler Or, My Favorite, Rue Mcclanahan.

On Her Daughter Melissa: The Only Time She Really Cried Is When I Sat Her Down And Told Her That She Was Not Adopted.

I Will Only Praise Someone Who Can't Take Anything Away From Me.

I Like Colonic Irrigation Because Sometimes You Find Old Jewelry.

My Sex Life Has Gone From Bad To Pathetic. My G Spot Stands For Godforsaken.

Gay Marriage, I Am So Against It Because If All My Gay Friends Get Married, It Will Cost Me A Fortune In Gifts.

What We Do Is A Calling...we Make People Happy.

Making People Happy

My Routines Come Out Of Total Unhappiness. My Audiences Are My Group Therapy.

Edgar Had A Heart Attack, And I'm To Blame. We Were Making Love, And I Took The Bag Off My Head.

Comedy Exists To Laugh At Things That Aren't Laughable. But Isn't It? That's What Separates Us From The Animals. We Laugh.

[on Plastic Surgery:] My Motto Is: 'anything That Can Be Lifted Should Be Lifted. Anything That Falls Should Be Caught. And Try To Catch Any Falling Stuff Before It Hits The Ground.

I Always Like A Charity With People Who Don't Speak English Because I Get Them To Do All Kinds Of Things Around My House.

If You're Saying The Same Line 10 Times And Making It Look Like You Just Came Up With It, That's Acting.

Old Age' Is Always Ten Years More Than We Are.

Two Is Company; Three Is Fifty Bucks.

I Have No Sex Appeal And It Has Screwed Me Up For Life; My Gynecologist Examines Me By Telephone.

Life Is A Movie, And You're The Star. Give It A Happy Ending.

I Don't Think I'm Good In Bed. My Husband Never Said Anything, But After We Made Love He'd Take A Piece Of Chalk And Outline My Body.

That Girl Had A Great Way Of Making Friends, And Strangers, And Anyone Else Who Was Around.

I Love The Way My Life Has Fallen Into Place.

I Got A Waterbed, But My Husband Stocked It With Trout.

You Know You're Getting Old When You Buy A Sexy Sheer Nightgown And Don't Know Anyone Who Can See Through It.

I Have No Sex Appeal. If My Husband Didn't Toss And Turn, We'd Never Have Had Any Kids.

Why Should A Woman Cook? So Her Husband Can Say 'my Wife Makes A Delicious Cake' To Some Hooker?

Grandchildren Can Be Annoying - How Many Times Can You Go: "and The Cow Goes Moo And The Pig Goes Oink"? It's Like Talking To A Supermodel.

Elizabeth Taylor Has More Chins Than The Chinese Telephone Directory.

I Am A Dyke! And I'm Damn Proud Of It!

When My Husband Edgar And I Were Courting, He Said He Couldn't Wait To Have A Baby. It Was Only After We Were Married That He Changed His Mind And Decided That I Should Have The Baby.

Obama Came In And Said He Was Going Turn Everything Around, And You Can't. Give The Guy A Break. But I Question A Lot Of What's Happening. It's Certainly Going To Reflect In My Vote, But Who Else Is There? It's A Horrible Time, Because People Vote Party Lines Instead Of What's Good For The Country. I Think The Whole Health Care Issue Turned So Ugly, Because Of Party Lines, And That's Not What That's Supposed To Be About.

I’ve Had So Much Plastic Surgery, When I Die They Will Donate My Body To Tupperware.

I’m Never Without A Bandage.

Plastic Surgery

I Want To Be Buried In A Valentino Gown And I Want Harry Winston To Make Me A Toe Tag.

I Have No Sex Appeal, Which Kills Me. The Only Way I Can Ever Hear Heavy Breathing From My Husband's Side Of The Bed Is When He's Having An Asthma Attack.

Something Terrific Will Come No Matter How Dark The Present.

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