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Our Natures Are A Lot Like Oil, Mix Us With Anything Else, And We Strive To Swim On Top.

-Joan Rivers

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Our Natures Are A

Joan Rivers

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Our Natures Are A Lot Like Oil, Mix Us With Anything Else, And We Strive To Swim On Top.

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Don't Follow Any Advice, No Matter How Good, Until You Feel As Deeply In Your Spirit As You Think In Your Mind That The Counsel Is Wise.

Life Is Hard. And We Better Laugh At Everything, Otherwise We're Going Down The Tube.

To The Pessimist The Light At The End Of The Tunnel Is Another Train.

A Man Can Sleep Around, No Questions Asked, But If A Woman Makes Nineteen Or Twenty Mistakes She's A Tramp.

Yeah, I Read History. But It Doesn't Make You Nice. Hitler Read History, Too.

A Woman Went To A Plastic Surgeon And Asked Him To Make Her Like Bo Derek. He Gave Her A Lobotomy.

Elizabeth Taylor's So Fat She Puts Mayonnaise On Aspirin.

I Think Anyone Who's Perfectly Happy Isn't Particularly Funny. And When You're Very, Very Happy, You're Not Very Funny. You're Just Happy. I'd Rather Be Damaged And Funny.

I Will Only Praise Someone Who Can't Take Anything Away From Me.

Old Age' Is Always Ten Years More Than We Are.

In Life The Only Thing That You Can Expect Is The Unexpected; The Only Surprise Is A Day That Has None.

"i've Learned What's Funny Verbally Ain't So Funny On E-mail: They Don't Hear Your Intonations. Melissa Broke Up With Somebody Over That. She Tried To Tell Him: "that Was A Joke!" But He Just Didn't Get It. Mick Jagger Said, "f- 'em If They Don't Get The Joke." And I Love Him. That Comes With Age: Knowing It's Their Problem, Not Mine."

Never Floss With A Stranger.

If You Don't Go To Broadway, You're A Fool. On Broadway, Off Broadway, Above Broadway, Below Broadway, Go! Don't Tell Me There Isn't Something Wonderful Playing. If I'm Home In New York At Night, I'm Either At A Broadway Or An Off Broadway Show. We're In The Theater Capital Of The World, And If You Don't Get It, You're An Idiot.

Al Roker Said I Am 80 Years 'young'; It's Like Saying Al Roker Is 320 Pounds 'thin'.

I've Always Hate Child Stars, Starting From Way Back When, When I Was A Child. The First Child Star I Saw Was Shirley Temple. She Was Six Years Old, Two Foot Six And The Biggest Star In Hollywood. She Wore Ribbons In Her Hair, And Frilly Little Pinafores And Shiny Patent-leather Tap Shoes - Just Like The Boys In Glee Do.

With This Face, I Need All The Deals I Can Get.

Having A Baby Is Definitely A Labor Of Love.

I Am Furious About Everything.

I’ve Had So Much Plastic Surgery, When I Die They Will Donate My Body To Tupperware.

If You Don't Think That All Life Is Improvisation, Then You Haven't Been Paying Attention. Life Is What Happens To You While You're Making Other Plans.

I Have A Wonderful Psychiatrist That I See Maybe Once A Year, Because I Don't Need It. It All Comes Out Onstage.

But You Do Have To Learn, If You Want To Be A Satirist, You Can't Be Part Of The Party. Meaning, You Can't Go Horseback Riding With Jackie O In Central Park If You're Going To Make A Joke About Her That Night.

Having A Baby Can Be A Scream.

Emotional Troubles Are Like Landfill. Get Them Outside, And The Air Disintegrates Them.

That Baby Is So Ugly... I've Never Seen A Six-month-old So Desperately In Need Of A Wax.

My Sex Life Is So Bad, My G-spot Has Been Declared A Historical Landmark.

Somehow, Some Way, Every Person In The Arts Has To Find An Accommodation With Disappointment And Embarrassment. They Are The Pollen In The Air We Breathe. If You Must Go Into The Arts, Go Into Them For Yourself Alone. On Some Basic Level You Must Enjoy The Act Of Doing It ... Otherwise, You Are Going To End Up Frustrated And Unhappy. Recognition In The Arts Is Luck And Gravy.

Never Floss A Stranger.

It's Been So Long Since I Made Love, I Can't Even Remember Who Gets Tied Up.

You Don’t Marry For Love. What Does Love Got To Do With Marriage? I Spit On Love And Marriage. You Marry For Money.

Love And Marriage

It's So Long Since I've Had Sex I've Forgotten Who Ties Up Who.

I Know Now That Everybody In The Arts Is Forever A Beginner. Experience Counts For A Great Deal And Very Little. Every Night Onstage I Feel I Am Starting From Scratch, Still Not Quite Sure What I Am Doing And Where I Am Going, Thrown By The Simplest Thing That Goes Wrong.

I Like My Politicians And My Judges And My Lawyers To Be Simple. I Think If You Worry About Where Your Hemline Is You're Really Not Concentrating On The World Crisis.

If You Hate Something, You Hate It, And If You Like Something Or Somebody, You Like It, But Tell The Truth. And Most Celebrities Have That Thin Veneer That They Will Not Break For You.

Telling The Truth

Better Laid Than Never.

What Are People Going To Do? Fire Me? I've Been Fired Before. Not Book Me? I've Been Out Of Work Before. I Don't Care.

I Wish I Had A Twin, So I Could Know What I'd Look Like Without Plastic Surgery.

I'll Lie Still For A Lot Of Things - But Sex Isn't One Of Them.

Life Goes By Fast. Enjoy It. Calm Down. It's All Funny.

Thought Provoking

When You're First-generation Money, You Want To Say, "i Got A Mercedes And A Rolls And A Lamborghini. Take A Look." When You're Second-generation Money, You're Very Quiet Behind Your Country Club Doors. I Think That's Why People Are Much More Aware. It's The First-generation Wives That Have The Huge Rings And The Second-generation Says, "everyone Be Quiet As We Get On Our Yacht Or Our Private Plane."

I Hate Billings, Montana. They Have A Fashion Show At Sears Roebuck

Anyone That Says Looks Don't Count Is Lying. Of Course They Do. Even Babies Go To The Attractive Face. It's The Way Humans Work.

My Daughter And I Are Very Close, We Speak Every Single Day And I Call Her Every Day And I Say The Same Thing, "pick Up, I Know You're There."

Keep Moving. It's Hard For Old Age To Hit A Moving Target.

I Think Actual Death Will Be A Lot Easier Than Dying On Stage. Cause - You Know - If You Do [actual Death] Right, You Can Go Looking Good. Maybe With A Little Quip [like]: 'i Loved Everybody.' But Dying On Stage...oh, God!

My Parents Hated Me. All I Ever Heard Was, "why Can't You Be Like Your Cousin Shelia? Why Can't You Be Like Your Cousin Shelia?" Shelia Had Died At Birth.

I'm A Double Bagger. Not Only Does My Husband Put A Bag Over My Face When We're Making Love, But He Also Puts A Bag Over His Head In Case Mine Falls Off.

We Don't Apologize For A Joke. We Are Comics. We Are Here To Make You Laugh. If You Don't Get It, Then Don't Watch Us.

Is Elizabeth Taylor Fat? Her Favorite Food Is Seconds.

Don't Talk To Me About Gravity. When I Get Out Of Bed In The Morning, I Have To Be Careful Not To Step On My Breasts.

There Are Many Self-help Books By Ph.d.s, But I Hold A Different Degree: An I.b.t.i.a.-i've Been Through It All. This Degree Comes Not On Parchment But Gauze, And It Entitles Me To Tell You That There Is A Way To Get Through Any Misfortune.

My Perfect Last Meal Would Be: Shrimp Cocktail, Lasagna, Steak, Creamed Spinach, Salad With Bleu Cheese Dressing, Onion Rings, Garlic Bread, And A Dessert Of Strawberry Shortcake.

Self-pity Shortens Your Life.

You Know You've Reached Middle Age When You're Cautioned To Slow Down By Your Doctor, Instead Of By The Police.

I Don't Think I'm Good In Bed. My Husband Never Said Anything, But After We Made Love He'd Take A Piece Of Chalk And Outline My Body.

I Have No Sex Appeal And It Has Screwed Me Up For Life; My Gynecologist Examines Me By Telephone.

You're College Graduates Now, So Use Your Education. Remember: It's Not Who You Know, It's Whom.

My Personal Style Is Over-the-top Dowager. The Old Days They Said Get Dressed And Take One Thing Off, I Say Get Dressed And Put One Thing On.

My Sex Life Has Gone From Bad To Pathetic. My G Spot Stands For Godforsaken.

I Have No Boobs Whatsoever. On My Wedding Night My Husband Said, 'let Me Help You With Those Buttons' And I Told Him, 'i'm Completely Naked'.

You Know Why I Feel Older? I Went To Buy Sexy Underwear And They Automatically Gift Wrapped It.

Before We Make Love My Husband Takes A Pain Killer. I Blame My Mother For My Poor Sex Life. All She Told Me Was, 'the Man Goes On Top And The Woman Underneath'. For Three Years My Husband And I Slept On Bunk Beds. I'm A Double Bagger. Not Only Does My Husband Put A Bag Over My Face When We're Making Love, But He Also Puts A Bag Over His Head In Case Mine Falls Off. It's So Long Since I've Had Sex, I've Forgotten Who Ties Up Whom. My Best Birth Control Now Is To Leave The Lights On.

I Hate Thin People; 'oh, Does The Tampon Make Me Look Fat?'

With Age Comes Wisdom. You Don't Need Big Boobs To Be Feminine. Look At Liberace.

Moving On Is A Gift You Give Yourself.

At My Age An Affair Of The Heart Is A Bypass!

Funny Valentine

I've Learned To Have Absolutely No Regrets About Any Jokes I've Ever Done.

I Think Hillary Clinton's Style Is Perfect. Perfect. You Don't Notice What She's Wearing, You Notice The Woman.

Diets, Like Clothes, Should Be Tailored To You.

Anyone That Says Looks Don't Count Is Lying.

I Was Born In 1962, And The Room Next To Me Was 1963.

I Wish I Could Tell You It Gets Better. It Doesn't Get Better. You Get Better.

Your Proudest Moment Is To Watch Your Egg Not Just Function, But To Achieve On Her Own.

I'm No Cook. When I Want Lemon On Chicken, I Spray It With Pledge.

I Said To My Husband, 'my Boobs Have Gone, My Stomach's Gone, Say Something Nice About My Legs.' He Said, 'blue Goes With Everything.'

Travel Is The Excitement Of Life! Everything Is An Adventure, And If You Look At It Like That, Even At The Worst Moment You Can Say: 'we Will Laugh Tomorrow About This.' And You Do.

I Hate Housework! You Make The Beds, You Do The Dishes And Six Months Later You Have To Start All Over Again.

If You Laugh At It, You Can Deal With It.

Girls Just Want To Have Fun. Well, So Do Old Ladies!

Victoria Beckham Is So Nasty, Why Doesn't She Just Go Home?! Her Dresses Are Beautiful, But I Don't Care What She Does. She's Mean To All The People Around Her. She's Too Short To Be A Diva. We All Use The Same Hairdressers, Make-up Artists, Limo-drivers And Greeters At The Airports In La And Nobody Has Anything Nice To Say About Her. They Say She's Rude. She Can't Always Just Be Having A Bad Day.

Our Natures Are A Lot Like Oil, Mix Us With Anything Else, And We Strive To Swim On Top.

A Female Salmon Lays Three Thousand Eggs A Year - And Has Yet To Receive A Mother's Day Card From One Of Them.

If Two People Want To Get Married, Get Married! The Victorians Had A Great Saying: As Long As It Doesn't Scare The Horses, Do What You Want. And I Absolutely Believe That.

"i Wouldn't Go Over Here To Lisa Rinna And I Would Say 'are Those Breasts Real, Are You Wearing Underwear?'"

Now, I'm Not Against Sex Before Marriage, But Two Minutes Before? When The Organist Played "here Comes The Bride".

After We Made Love He Took A Piece Of Chalk And Made An Outline Of My Body.

I Got A Waterbed, But My Husband Stocked It With Trout.

Show Business Can Be An Addiction. ... An Audience Would Laugh At Me One Night, And I Would Chase That High For Another Three Months.

You Know You're Getting Old When Work Is A Lot Less Fun And Fun Is A Lot More Work.

No Man Will Ever Put His Hand Up Your Dress Looking For A Library Card.

I Could Never Be In A Cult. For Starters, They Never Accessorize Properly. David Koresh Had No Fashion Sense, Jim Jones Wore Leisure Suits, And I Don't Care How Charismatic Osama Bin Laden Was, An Ak-47 And An Insulin Drip Do Not Take The Place Of Drop Earrings Or A Well-placed Brooch.

I Have A Million Dollar Figure ... But It's All Loose Change.

I Was Getting Dressed And A Peeping Tom Looked In The Window, Took A Look And Pulled Down The Shade.

If God Wanted Us To Bend Over He'd Put Diamonds On The Floor.

If I Found Yoko Ono Floating In My Pool, I'd Punish My Dog.

The Nice Thing About Viagra Is That They Are Proving Men Can Go Blind On It, So You Can Gain Weight And Have A Great Sex Life.

The Worst Thing That Ever Happened To Me On Stage Is Someone Ran Forward To Tell Me They Loved Me And Projectile Vomited All Over The Stage. It Was Horrible.

My Best Birth Control Now Is Just To Leave The Lights On.

Funny Relationship

You Know It's Time To Start Using Mouthwash When Your Dentist Leaves The Room And Sends In A Canary.

I Finally Found Out How Priests Get Holy Water. They Boil The Hell Out Of It.

I Wear The Midi Because I Feel If You're Going To Look Ugly, You May As Well Look This Year's Ugly.

Life Is Very Tough. If You Don't Laugh, It's Tough.

Tonight I'll Be Interviewing Ken Watanabe, Keisha Castle Hughes, Benecio Del Toro And Djimon Honsou - And Yes, Those Are Actors, Not Caterers.

The Palestinians Cannot Throw Rockets And Expect People Not To Defend Themselves

Because I'm The Only Performer Who Comes Out And Says I've Had Plastic Surgery, I've Become The Plastic Surgery Poster Girl, Which Is Hilarious, Because Everybody Has Done It And They All Deny It. They Stand There, Like The Bride Of Frankenstein, They've All Got Stitches, And They All Say, 'i've Done Nothing.' I Talk About It.

What Could Be Nicer Than To Have Three Horrible Children Behind You In An Airplane, And The Next Set, You Go Onstage And You Talk About How Much You Despise The Children And What You Would Like To Do To Them On An Airplane? That's The Only Time I Would Gladly Take A Terrorist On. It'd Be Worth It To Get Rid Of These Children.

When You First Get Married, They Open The Car Door For You. Eighteen Years Now...once He Opened The Car Door For Me In The Last Four Years - We Were On The Freeway At The Time.

And Since We're All Adults Here, Let's Be Brutally Honest-most Babies Are Not Actually Attractive. In Fact, They're Weird And Freakish Looking. A Large Percentage Of Them Are Squinty-eyed And Bald And Their Faces Are All Mushed Toegther, Kind Of Like Renee Zellweger Pushed Up Against A Glass Window.

I Knew I Was An Unwanted Baby When I Saw That My Bath Toys Were A Toaster And A Radio.

I Don't Think There'd Be A Tina Fey Now If I Hadn't Tried To Look Good In The Beginning.

Comedy Exists To Laugh At Things That Aren't Laughable. But Isn't It? That's What Separates Us From The Animals. We Laugh.

I Use A Smoke Alarm As A Timer.

I Once Dated A Guy So Dumb He Could Not Count To 21 Unless He Was Naked

Every Television Show You Go On Is A Choice.

Want To Know Why Women Don't Blink During Foreplay? Not Enough Time.

I Am A Dyke! And I'm Damn Proud Of It!

I Have No Sex Appeal, Which Kills Me. The Only Way I Can Ever Hear Heavy Breathing From My Husband's Side Of The Bed Is When He's Having An Asthma Attack.

I Adore My Apartment In New York. It Was A Ballroom That I Remade, So It's Like A Loft But Done By Louis The Fifteenth.

My Mother Could Make Anybody Feel Guilty - She Used To Get Letters Of Apology From People She Didn't Even Know.

I Can't Like Watching Project Runway With Heidi Klum. There's Just Something Wrong About A German Woman Saying Who Goes And Who Stays

I'm At The Top, Top, Top Of My Game Now. I'm So Happy To Be On That Stage, I'm In Control Of It, And I Love Every Minute Of It. I Walk Onstage In Rehearsal And I Start To Smile. And So I Just Don't Care What Anyone Else Is Doing. Do What You Want, Say What You Want. Nobody Else Can Do What I Do Onstage. Nobody.

Comedy Is Truth. We Should Not Apologize For It.

If You Can't Make Fun Of Yourself, You Don't Have Any Right To Make Fun Of Others

My Grandson Is Mad At Me. He's Mad At Me Because I Squandered His College Fund On Spanx. It's A Lot, But There's A Lot Going On Here.

My Daughter Refuses To Call Me Mother In Public; My Little Grandson Calls Me Spongeslob Squarebottom, And Nobody Else Ever Calls Me At All.

Life Is A Movie, And You're The Star. Give It A Happy Ending.

Don't Tell Your Kids You Had An Easy Birth Or They Won't Respect You. For Years I Used To Wake Up My Daughter And Say, 'melissa You Ripped Me To Shreds. Now Go Back To Sleep.'.

To Maintain Success, Stamina Is More Important Than Talent. You Have To Learn To Be A Marathon Runner.

Russell Brand Has Announced That He Plans To Write A Series Of Children's Books. First Up: 'horton Hears A Heroin Dealer.'

Omaha Is A Little Like Newark, Without Newark's Glamour.

I’m Never Without A Bandage.

Plastic Surgery

Mick Jagger Could French-kiss A Moose. He Has Child-bearing Lips.

I Was Dating A Transvestite, And My Mother Said, "marry Him, You'll Double Your Wardrobe."

I Could Stop And Live Carefully But That's Ridiculous. I Don't Want To Live Carefully.

Something Terrific Will Come No Matter How Dark The Present.

Never Buy A Fur From A Vegetarian.

Here's A Thanksgiving Tip. Generally, Your Turkey Is Not Cooked Enough If It Passes You The Cranberry Sauce.

As A Wedding Gift, Ray J Gave Kim Kardashian His Profits From Their Sex Tape. It's 'something Old' As Well As 'something Blew.'

The First Rule Of Survival Is: Make Your Own Rules. The Hell Anyone Thinks About The Way You're Acting; Listen Only To Yourself.

I Succeeded By Saying What Everyone Else Is Thinking.

God Always Comes Up With A Third Act Twist -- And We Won't Know Until We Die Whether The Play Was A Comedy Or A Tragedy.

You Have To Do More Than Just Kill Time Or Time Will Quickly Kill You.

That Girl Had A Great Way Of Making Friends, And Strangers, And Anyone Else Who Was Around.

Don’t Worry About The Money. Love The Process.

The People Voting For The Oscars Are So Old. I Haven't Seen One Academy Award Voter With A Tampon In Her Purse.

A Child Can Be Taught Not To Do Certain Things, Such As Touch A Hot Stove, Pull Lamps Off Of Tables, And Wake Mommy Before Noon.

Elizabeth Taylor Was So Fat That Whenever She Went To London In A Red Dress, 30 Passengers Would Try To Board Her.

Comedy - And I Say This With Humility - Comedy Needs Me.

I Hate Mcdonald's. I Don't Want To Order My Dinner By Yelling Into A Clown's Mouth. If I Want My Face In A Clown's Mouth, I'll Tongue Kiss Glenn Beck.

I Enjoy Life When Things Are Happening. I Don't Care If It's Good Things Or Bad Things. That Means You're Alive.

Bo Derek Turned Down The Role Of Helen Keller Because She Couldn't Remember The Lines.

I Was So Flat I Used To Put Xs On My Chest And Write, 'you Are Here.' I Wore Angora Sweaters Just So The Guys Would Have Something To Pet.

Two Is Company; Three Is Fifty Bucks.

I Now Consider It A Good Day When I Don't Step On My Boobs.

The Last Time I Saw A Blonde With Red Streaks In Her Hair She Was Laying On Oscar Pistorius' Bathroom Floor.

I Was Smart Enough To Go Through Any Door That Opened.

I Think I'm In A Business Where You Have To Look Good, And It's Totally Youth-oriented.

Before We Make Love, My Husband Takes A Pain Killer.

On Her Daughter Melissa: The Only Time She Really Cried Is When I Sat Her Down And Told Her That She Was Not Adopted.

My Face Has Been Tucked In More Times Than A Bedsheet At The Holiday Inn.

There Is Not One Female Comic Who Was Beautiful As A Little Girl.

My Love Life Is Like A Piece Of Swiss Cheese; Most Of It's Missing, And What's There Stinks.

I Always Like A Charity With People Who Don't Speak English Because I Get Them To Do All Kinds Of Things Around My House.

The Only Way I Can Get A Man To Touch Me At This Age Is Plastic Surgery.

When You Can Laugh At Yourself No One Can Ever Make A Fool Of You.

Laugh At Yourself

I Am Definitely Going To Watch The Emmys This Year! My Makeup Team Is Nominated For “best Special Effects.”

[when Told That Her Grandchild Had Her Nose:] I Didn't Get This Nose Until I Was Thirty-four.

I Lived To Be On Stage, And I'm Terrified. Terrified Before Every Show.

I'm Sure Some Of You Are Wondering Whether My Breasts Are Real. Let Me Just Explain To You. This One Is, This One Isn't.

I Hate Reality Shows That Are Not Reality.

My Mother Told Me 'man On Top, Woman Underneath.' For Years My Husband & I Slept In Bunk Beds.

I've Learned From My Dealings With Johnny Carson That No Matter What Kind Of Friendship You Think You Have With People You're Working With, When The Chips Are Down, It's All About Business.

If You Don't Think You're Funny, No One Else Will.

I'm Telling You That At Eight She Knew More About Reproduction Than Xerox.

If You're Saying The Same Line 10 Times And Making It Look Like You Just Came Up With It, That's Acting.

Edgar Had A Heart Attack, And I'm To Blame. We Were Making Love, And I Took The Bag Off My Head.

I Said To My Husband, 'why Don't You Call Out My Name When We're Making Love?' He Said, 'i Don't Want To Wake You Up.'

Any Form Of Complacency Is The Kiss Of Death For Any Professional.

Obama Came In And Said He Was Going Turn Everything Around, And You Can't. Give The Guy A Break. But I Question A Lot Of What's Happening. It's Certainly Going To Reflect In My Vote, But Who Else Is There? It's A Horrible Time, Because People Vote Party Lines Instead Of What's Good For The Country. I Think The Whole Health Care Issue Turned So Ugly, Because Of Party Lines, And That's Not What That's Supposed To Be About.

The Last Time I Appeared In Las Vegas, They Were Wearing Hoop Skirts And Davy Crockett Hats, ... But They Say 'what Happens In Vegas, Stays In Vegas.' And As Far As Fashion Is Concerned, That's A Good Thing.

Remember A Few Years Ago When They Left Bea Arthur Out Of The Death Reel At The Oscars? Bea Arthur! How Did They Leave Bea Arthur Out? She Was In Mame; She Was In All In The Family; She Was In Maude; She Was A Golden Girl, For God's Sake! Bea Was Not Only One Of Hollywood's Leading Ladies, She Was One Of Hollywood's Leading Men!

People Are Arguing Whether Mel Gibson's "passion Of The Christ" Is Anti-semitic. Well, Whether It Is Or It Isn't, It Doesn't Matter, Because I've Been In Touch With His Accounting Firm, Rosencrantz, Levy And Stern, And They're Screwing Him Out Of His Profits.

I Felt A Comedy Ego Beginning To Grow, Which Gave Me The Courage To Begin Tentatively Looking Into Myself For Material.

Self Confidence

Comedy Is A Very Rough Beat. It's No Holds Barred, As It Should Be.

I've Learned To Have Absolutely No Regrets About Any Jokes I've Ever Done. You Can Tune Me Out, You Can Click Me Off, It's Ok. I Am Not Going To Bow To Political Correctness.

Never Admit That Your Back Goes Out More Than You Do

I Think It Was Cosby Who Also Said To Me, 'if Only 2 Percent Of The World Thinks You're Funny, You'll Still Fill Stadiums For The Rest Of Your Life.'

Rest Of Your Life

Welcome To My World! I've Been Through It All, And I Often Pinch Myself To Believe My Luck. I Design Jewlery, Create Cosmetics, Perform Comedy, Act, Lecture, Write Books, Travel, Have A Fabulous Daughter, And A Phenomenal Grandson-and I Feel I'm The Luckiest Woman On The Planet.

Does Fashion Matter? Always - Though Not Quite As Much After Death.

Learn What Not To Expect. Irish Catholic They Get Sh**** Little Rings. Irish Women Get Crappy Rings. Baptist Get The Worst Because They Get The Rings Under Water. When It Comes Up, It's Garbage. Jewish, Big Rings. Episcopalian Big Rings. Italians-the Best, Because They Get Them Off Of Dead People, And Second Wives Get The Biggest Rings Of All.

I Think I've Lost 3lbs - I'm Very, Very Happy. I Thought Of It As Work And A Spa.

You’re Going To Get What I Think Is The Truth, And It’s Going To Be Raw.

Life Is So Tough. I Don't Know How Old You Are, But I've Seen So Much In A Wink. One Phone Call And Your Life Is Changed Forever. We All Know That. You Better Laugh At Everything.

I'm Going Out With These Old Guys. One Guy Gave Me A Hickey And Left His Teeth In My Neck. Another Man, We Were Having A Perfectly Lovely Dinner; He Looked Up And Me And Went: You're Not My Wife! Another Guy Died During Dinner. I Had To Go In His Pocket To Get The American Express Card. Then You Wonder: What Would He Tip? Another Guy Said: I Want You To Meet My Family, And Took Me To The Cemetery.

No More Botox For Me. Betty White's Bowels Move More Than My Face.

A German Sense Of Humor Is An Oxymoron.

I'm So Fat And I'm So Depressed; Last Night I Tried To Hang Myself - But The Rope Broke.

Every Comedian Is Furious. Age Makes Me Angry. I'm Unhappy At Not Being Able To Open Packages Anymore. I'm Angry That Libraries Have Gone. I Hate Children On Planes. I'm Very Shallow, So They Tend To Be Little Things. To Be Honest, I Think I Was Probably Angry The Day I Was Born, You Know, About Diapers Or Something.

All Babies Look Like Renée Zellweger Pushed Against A Glass Window.

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