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Whatever You Do To Recover From A Loss, People Will Be Critical Because They Believe That The Only Way To Recover Is Their Way. And You Will Even Run Into Some People Who Should Be Run Into By Rhinos Because They Actually Don't Want To See You Get Over Your Tragedy At All; Grief Is A Spectator Sport For Them.

-Joan Rivers

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Whatever You Do To

Joan Rivers

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Whatever You Do To Recover From A Loss, People Will Be Critical Because They Believe That The Only Way To Recover Is Their Way. And You Will Even Run Into Some People Who Should Be Run Into By Rhinos Because They Actually Don't Want To See You Get Over Your Tragedy At All; Grief Is A Spectator Sport For Them.

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My Husband Wanted To Be Cremated. I Told Him I'd Scatter His Ashes At Neiman Marcus - That Way, I'd Visit Him Every Day.

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Before We Make Love My Husband Takes A Pain Killer. I Blame My Mother For My Poor Sex Life. All She Told Me Was, 'the Man Goes On Top And The Woman Underneath'. For Three Years My Husband And I Slept On Bunk Beds. I'm A Double Bagger. Not Only Does My Husband Put A Bag Over My Face When We're Making Love, But He Also Puts A Bag Over His Head In Case Mine Falls Off. It's So Long Since I've Had Sex, I've Forgotten Who Ties Up Whom. My Best Birth Control Now Is To Leave The Lights On.

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I'm Sure Some Of You Are Wondering Whether My Breasts Are Real. Let Me Just Explain To You. This One Is, This One Isn't.

Run Scared ... And They Never Catch You.

You Know It's Time To Start Using Mouthwash When Your Dentist Leaves The Room And Sends In A Canary.

I Love Israel For Its Blue And White Flag As It Matches My Legs.

One Of The Most Rebellious Things A Woman Can Do Is Allow People To Think She’s Mean.

I Think Anyone Who's Perfectly Happy Isn't Particularly Funny. And When You're Very, Very Happy, You're Not Very Funny. You're Just Happy. I'd Rather Be Damaged And Funny.

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Comediennes Are The Lucky Ones, Because If You're Funny, You Can Be 125 Years Old And They Will Still Accept You.

I Like My Politicians And My Judges And My Lawyers To Be Simple. I Think If You Worry About Where Your Hemline Is You're Really Not Concentrating On The World Crisis.

Al Roker Said I Am 80 Years 'young'; It's Like Saying Al Roker Is 320 Pounds 'thin'.

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I Want To Be Buried In A Valentino Gown And I Want Harry Winston To Make Me A Toe Tag.

I Could Stop And Live Carefully But That's Ridiculous. I Don't Want To Live Carefully.

I Can't Like Watching Project Runway With Heidi Klum. There's Just Something Wrong About A German Woman Saying Who Goes And Who Stays

I Could Never Be In A Cult. For Starters, They Never Accessorize Properly. David Koresh Had No Fashion Sense, Jim Jones Wore Leisure Suits, And I Don't Care How Charismatic Osama Bin Laden Was, An Ak-47 And An Insulin Drip Do Not Take The Place Of Drop Earrings Or A Well-placed Brooch.

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I Enjoy Life When Things Are Happening. I Don't Care If It's Good Things Or Bad Things. That Means You're Alive.

At My Age An Affair Of The Heart Is A Bypass!

Funny Valentine

Obama Came In And Said He Was Going Turn Everything Around, And You Can't. Give The Guy A Break. But I Question A Lot Of What's Happening. It's Certainly Going To Reflect In My Vote, But Who Else Is There? It's A Horrible Time, Because People Vote Party Lines Instead Of What's Good For The Country. I Think The Whole Health Care Issue Turned So Ugly, Because Of Party Lines, And That's Not What That's Supposed To Be About.

Both Of My Parents Got To See Me Host Carson, Thank God. That's All Anyone Wants: To Have Their Parents See They're Going To Be All Right In Life.

I Think Any Celebrity That Adopts A Child From A Third World Country Is A Fool.

I Don't Think I'm Good In Bed. My Husband Never Said Anything, But After We Made Love He'd Take A Piece Of Chalk And Outline My Body.

I've Learned To Have Absolutely No Regrets About Any Jokes I've Ever Done. You Can Tune Me Out, You Can Click Me Off, It's Ok. I Am Not Going To Bow To Political Correctness.

I've Learned From Doing My Own Show With Fox That People Are Not Your Partners If They're Signing The Checks. Whoever Signs Your Paycheck Is The Boss - No Matter What They Tell You.

I Was Smart Enough To Go Through Any Door That Opened.

You Know You're Getting Old When You Buy A Sexy Sheer Nightgown And Don't Know Anyone Who Can See Through It.

You Know You've Reached Middle Age When You're Cautioned To Slow Down By Your Doctor, Instead Of By The Police.

I Said To My Husband, 'why Don't You Call Out My Name When We're Making Love?' He Said, 'i Don't Want To Wake You Up.'

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Want To Know Why Women Don't Blink During Foreplay? Not Enough Time.

Joan Collins Told A Reporter That She Hasn't Had Plastic Surgery; Come On... She's Had More Tucks Than A Motel Bedsheet!

I've Learned To Have Absolutely No Regrets About Any Jokes I've Ever Done.

Mick Jagger Could French-kiss A Moose. He Has Child-bearing Lips.

My Best Birth Control Now Is Just To Leave The Lights On.

Funny Relationship

Omaha Is A Little Like Newark, Without Newark's Glamour.

I'm At The Top, Top, Top Of My Game Now. I'm So Happy To Be On That Stage, I'm In Control Of It, And I Love Every Minute Of It. I Walk Onstage In Rehearsal And I Start To Smile. And So I Just Don't Care What Anyone Else Is Doing. Do What You Want, Say What You Want. Nobody Else Can Do What I Do Onstage. Nobody.

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Plastic Surgery

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My Love Life Is Like A Piece Of Swiss Cheese; Most Of It's Missing, And What's There Stinks.

I Was Born In 1962, And The Room Next To Me Was 1963.

Everyone Takes Fashion So Seriously! It's Fashion - Enjoy It!

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Life Is A Movie, And You're The Star. Give It A Happy Ending.

I Succeeded By Saying What Everyone Else Is Thinking.

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Why Should A Woman Cook? So Her Husband Can Say 'my Wife Makes A Delicious Cake' To Some Hooker?

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Elizabeth Taylor Was So Fat That Whenever She Went To London In A Red Dress, 30 Passengers Would Try To Board Her.

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I Will Only Praise Someone Who Can't Take Anything Away From Me.

Having A Baby Can Be A Scream.

I Have So Little Sex Appeal That My Gynecologist Calls Me "sir."

Old Age' Is Always Ten Years More Than We Are.

It's Been So Long Since I Made Love, I Can't Even Remember Who Gets Tied Up.

Whatever You Do To Recover From A Loss, People Will Be Critical Because They Believe That The Only Way To Recover Is Their Way. And You Will Even Run Into Some People Who Should Be Run Into By Rhinos Because They Actually Don't Want To See You Get Over Your Tragedy At All; Grief Is A Spectator Sport For Them.

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God Always Comes Up With A Third Act Twist -- And We Won't Know Until We Die Whether The Play Was A Comedy Or A Tragedy.

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If You Laugh At It, You Can Deal With It.

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I Felt A Comedy Ego Beginning To Grow, Which Gave Me The Courage To Begin Tentatively Looking Into Myself For Material.

Self Confidence

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Self-pity Shortens Your Life.

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Just Remember: Surviving Is The Best Revenge, No Matter What The Disaster Has Been.

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Mel Gibson's Father Doesn't Think There Was A Holocaust? Great. I Don't Think There's A Movie. We're Even.

I Lived To Be On Stage, And I'm Terrified. Terrified Before Every Show.

I Hate Billings, Montana. They Have A Fashion Show At Sears Roebuck

The Thing Is, I'm Happiest When I'm On Stage.

I Was Absorbing A Sorry Truth Of Show Business - Rejection Is The Norm And Acceptance The Oddity. I Was Learning To Cut The Tops Off My Highs And Stay With The Lows Where The Rejections And Letdowns Would Be Shallow.

Before We Make Love, My Husband Takes A Pain Killer.

I Think I'm In A Business Where You Have To Look Good, And It's Totally Youth-oriented.

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I Use A Smoke Alarm As A Timer.

The Psychic Scars Caused By Believing That You Are Ugly Leave A Permanent Mark On Your Personality.

Having My Daughter, I Screamed For Twenty-three Hours Straight. And That Was Just During Conception.

What Are People Going To Do? Fire Me? I've Been Fired Before. Not Book Me? I've Been Out Of Work Before. I Don't Care.

The First Time I See A Jogger Smiling, I'll Consider It.

I Think It's Time They Knew The Truth About Beethoven.

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I Was Not An Attractive Child. When I Didn't Use My Girl Scouts Uniform As A Uniform, I Used It As A Tent.

I Think Hillary Clinton's Style Is Perfect. Perfect. You Don't Notice What She's Wearing, You Notice The Woman.

If I Found Yoko Ono Floating In My Pool, I'd Punish My Dog.

They Almost Had To Cancel The Oscars Tonight Because All Of The Designers And Stylists Are Still In Line In San Francisco Trying To Marry One Another.

I Have No Sex Appeal, Which Kills Me. The Only Way I Can Ever Hear Heavy Breathing From My Husband's Side Of The Bed Is When He's Having An Asthma Attack.

I Am So Out Of The Loop. I Am Never Honored. My Career Is Hilarious To Me. I Am Either Under The Radar Or Over The Radar.

All Babies Look Like Renée Zellweger Pushed Against A Glass Window.

There's Always An Adjective Before My Name, And It's Never A Nice One.

What We Do Is A Calling...we Make People Happy.

Making People Happy

I Was Just Reading About The New Lindsay Lohan Diet, Which Is All Liquid. 80 Proof.

I Think We All In Comedi Business, Especially When We Reach A Certain Age, Are Divas Up To A Point. I Love When A Limousine Comes For Me, I Can't Lie About That. I Love When You Go To A Restaurant And They Say, "come This Way, Miss Rivers," And You Get A Good Table. I Love All That, The Perks That Come With The Business.

There Is Not One Female Comic Who Was Beautiful As A Little Girl.

"i've Learned What's Funny Verbally Ain't So Funny On E-mail: They Don't Hear Your Intonations. Melissa Broke Up With Somebody Over That. She Tried To Tell Him: "that Was A Joke!" But He Just Didn't Get It. Mick Jagger Said, "f- 'em If They Don't Get The Joke." And I Love Him. That Comes With Age: Knowing It's Their Problem, Not Mine."

Grandchildren Can Be Annoying - How Many Times Can You Go: "and The Cow Goes Moo And The Pig Goes Oink"? It's Like Talking To A Supermodel.

I Have No Methods. All I Do Is Accept People As They Are.

My Daughter And I Are Very Close, We Speak Every Single Day And I Call Her Every Day And I Say The Same Thing, "pick Up, I Know You're There."

Life Is So Tough. I Don't Know How Old You Are, But I've Seen So Much In A Wink. One Phone Call And Your Life Is Changed Forever. We All Know That. You Better Laugh At Everything.

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