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I Was Absorbing A Sorry Truth Of Show Business - Rejection Is The Norm And Acceptance The Oddity. I Was Learning To Cut The Tops Off My Highs And Stay With The Lows Where The Rejections And Letdowns Would Be Shallow.

-Joan Rivers

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I Was Absorbing A

Joan Rivers

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I Was Absorbing A Sorry Truth Of Show Business - Rejection Is The Norm And Acceptance The Oddity. I Was Learning To Cut The Tops Off My Highs And Stay With The Lows Where The Rejections And Letdowns Would Be Shallow.

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I Have No Sex Appeal. If My Husband Didn't Toss And Turn, We'd Never Have Had Any Kids.

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How To Fool Yourself Into Feeling Younger: When You Go To Restaurants, Always Check A Coat And A Skateboard.

I Think Actual Death Will Be A Lot Easier Than Dying On Stage. Cause - You Know - If You Do [actual Death] Right, You Can Go Looking Good. Maybe With A Little Quip [like]: 'i Loved Everybody.' But Dying On Stage...oh, God!

She's So Fat, She's My Two Best Friends.

Two Best Friends

Somehow, Some Way, Every Person In The Arts Has To Find An Accommodation With Disappointment And Embarrassment. They Are The Pollen In The Air We Breathe. If You Must Go Into The Arts, Go Into Them For Yourself Alone. On Some Basic Level You Must Enjoy The Act Of Doing It ... Otherwise, You Are Going To End Up Frustrated And Unhappy. Recognition In The Arts Is Luck And Gravy.

I've Always Hate Child Stars, Starting From Way Back When, When I Was A Child. The First Child Star I Saw Was Shirley Temple. She Was Six Years Old, Two Foot Six And The Biggest Star In Hollywood. She Wore Ribbons In Her Hair, And Frilly Little Pinafores And Shiny Patent-leather Tap Shoes - Just Like The Boys In Glee Do.

There Is Nothing Funny About Aging: It Is Rotten And Depressing. Anyone Who Tells You Otherwise Just Hasn't Been Paying Attention.

My Grandson Is Mad At Me. He's Mad At Me Because I Squandered His College Fund On Spanx. It's A Lot, But There's A Lot Going On Here.

A German Sense Of Humor Is An Oxymoron.

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I Was Just Reading About The New Lindsay Lohan Diet, Which Is All Liquid. 80 Proof.

My Earliest Childhood Memory Was Watching My Parents Loosen The Wheels On My Stroller.

I Could Be The Greta Garbo Of Comedy, Very Secluded, But Garbo Had A Man Who Was Beyond Rich To Support Her.

I'll Lie Still For A Lot Of Things - But Sex Isn't One Of Them.

My Husband Wanted To Be Cremated. I Told Him I'd Scatter His Ashes At Neiman Marcus - That Way, I'd Visit Him Every Day.

I Can't Wear Yellow Anymore. It's Too Matchy-matchy With My Catheter.

If You're Saying The Same Line 10 Times And Making It Look Like You Just Came Up With It, That's Acting.

I Could Stop And Live Carefully But That's Ridiculous. I Don't Want To Live Carefully.

I Don't Think I'm Good In Bed. My Husband Never Said Anything, But After We Made Love He'd Take A Piece Of Chalk And Outline My Body.

Mick Jagger Could French-kiss A Moose. He Has Child-bearing Lips.

Gay Marriage, I Am So Against It Because If All My Gay Friends Get Married, It Will Cost Me A Fortune In Gifts.

I Am Not Lucky. I Am The Type Who Would Go To Lourdes And Drown In The Waters.

I Wish I Could Tell You It Gets Better. It Doesn't Get Better. You Get Better.

Having My Daughter, I Screamed For Twenty-three Hours Straight. And That Was Just During Conception.

Mel Gibson's Father Doesn't Think There Was A Holocaust? Great. I Don't Think There's A Movie. We're Even.

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I Have A Million Dollar Figure ... But It's All Loose Change.

Boy George Is All England Needs. Another Queen Who Can't Dress.

Because I'm The Only Performer Who Comes Out And Says I've Had Plastic Surgery, I've Become The Plastic Surgery Poster Girl, Which Is Hilarious, Because Everybody Has Done It And They All Deny It. They Stand There, Like The Bride Of Frankenstein, They've All Got Stitches, And They All Say, 'i've Done Nothing.' I Talk About It.

I Always Like A Charity With People Who Don't Speak English Because I Get Them To Do All Kinds Of Things Around My House.

"i Wouldn't Go Over Here To Lisa Rinna And I Would Say 'are Those Breasts Real, Are You Wearing Underwear?'"

The First Rule Of Survival Is: Make Your Own Rules. The Hell Anyone Thinks About The Way You're Acting; Listen Only To Yourself.

All My Friends Are Dying. That's Why I Always Wear Black.

Marriage Isn't A Contest To See Who Is Most Often Right. Marriage Requires Being What The Japanese Call 'the Wise Bamboo,' Which Means You Bend So You Don't Break. Treat Your Spouse With The Flexibility And Respect You Would Give To A Top Client. Think How We Treat Clients; We Smile, We Are Polite, We Listen To Their Ideas. Never Forget That Your Spouse Is Your Most Important Client.

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All Babies Look Like Renée Zellweger Pushed Against A Glass Window.

My Breasts Are So Low, Now I Can Have A Mammogram And A Pedicure At The Same Time.

When A Man Has A Birthday, He Takes A Day Off. When A Woman Has A Birthday, She Takes At Least Three Years Off.

In Every Human Endeavor, Persistence Is Everything.

At My Funeral, I Want Meryl Streep Crying In Five Different Accents.

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There's Always An Adjective Before My Name, And It's Never A Nice One.

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The Ideal Beauty Is A Fugitive Which Is Never Found.

Sold My House In La, Packed Myself Up And Moved To New York, Not Knowing Anybody. Friends Are Very Hard To Make After A Certain Age.

Something Terrific Will Come No Matter How Dark The Present.

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I Was Getting Dressed And A Peeping Tom Looked In The Window, Took A Look And Pulled Down The Shade.

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Looking 50 Is Great, If You're 60.

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I Think It's Time They Knew The Truth About Beethoven.

Classical Music

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I Am Definitely Going To Watch The Emmys This Year! My Makeup Team Is Nominated For “best Special Effects.”

You Know You've Reached Middle Age When You're Cautioned To Slow Down By Your Doctor, Instead Of By The Police.

Why Should A Woman Cook? So Her Husband Can Say 'my Wife Makes A Delicious Cake' To Some Hooker?

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She's So Pure, Moses Couldn't Even Part Her Knees.

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I'm A Double Bagger. Not Only Does My Husband Put A Bag Over My Face When We're Making Love, But He Also Puts A Bag Over His Head In Case Mine Falls Off.

I Was Not An Attractive Child. When I Didn't Use My Girl Scouts Uniform As A Uniform, I Used It As A Tent.

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It's Been So Long Since I Made Love, I Can't Even Remember Who Gets Tied Up.

Never Floss With A Stranger.

I Was Not An Attractive Child.

I Was Absorbing A Sorry Truth Of Show Business - Rejection Is The Norm And Acceptance The Oddity. I Was Learning To Cut The Tops Off My Highs And Stay With The Lows Where The Rejections And Letdowns Would Be Shallow.

My Daughter And I Are Very Close, We Speak Every Single Day And I Call Her Every Day And I Say The Same Thing, "pick Up, I Know You're There."

I Adore My Apartment In New York. It Was A Ballroom That I Remade, So It's Like A Loft But Done By Louis The Fifteenth.

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I Knew I Was An Unwanted Baby When I Saw That My Bath Toys Were A Toaster And A Radio.

I Have To Tell You That It's Not Going To Be Easy. Take Every Chance And Every Opportunity That You Can. Don't Say 'i Can't' Or 'i Shouldn't' Or 'i'm Too Tired.'

It's So Long Since I've Had Sex I've Forgotten Who Ties Up Who.

At My Age An Affair Of The Heart Is A Bypass!

Funny Valentine

I Think Any Celebrity That Adopts A Child From A Third World Country Is A Fool.

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There Is Not One Female Comic Who Was Beautiful As A Little Girl.

My Best Birth Control Now Is Just To Leave The Lights On.

Funny Relationship

My Mother Could Make Anybody Feel Guilty - She Used To Get Letters Of Apology From People She Didn't Even Know.

You Have To Do More Than Just Kill Time Or Time Will Quickly Kill You.

You Know Why I Feel Older? I Went To Buy Sexy Underwear And They Automatically Gift Wrapped It.

Bo Derek Turned Down The Role Of Helen Keller Because She Couldn't Remember The Lines.

The Only Street I Like Is Rue Honore De Balzac, Because 'balzac' Sound So Gay, And I Love My Gays. I Might Like Parisians More If They Named Their Streets Only For Gay Icons, Like Rue Liza Minnelli Or Rue Bette Midler Or, My Favorite, Rue Mcclanahan.

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I Said Justin Bieber Looked Like A Little Lesbian -- And I Stand By It: He's The Daughter Cher Wishes She'd Had.

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I Can't Like Watching Project Runway With Heidi Klum. There's Just Something Wrong About A German Woman Saying Who Goes And Who Stays

I Was Dating A Transvestite, And My Mother Said, "marry Him, You'll Double Your Wardrobe."

I Think Anyone Who's Perfectly Happy Isn't Particularly Funny.

Don't Follow Any Advice, No Matter How Good, Until You Feel As Deeply In Your Spirit As You Think In Your Mind That The Counsel Is Wise.

And Since We're All Adults Here, Let's Be Brutally Honest-most Babies Are Not Actually Attractive. In Fact, They're Weird And Freakish Looking. A Large Percentage Of Them Are Squinty-eyed And Bald And Their Faces Are All Mushed Toegther, Kind Of Like Renee Zellweger Pushed Up Against A Glass Window.

All Angelina Jolie Wants To Do Is Do Good For People. And She Was Saying To Me: If I Could Just Make One Person Happy, Joan, I'll Die Satisfied. I Said: Easy! Just Give Jennifer Aniston Back Her Husband.

The Last Time I Saw A Blonde With Red Streaks In Her Hair She Was Laying On Oscar Pistorius' Bathroom Floor.

I’ve Had So Much Plastic Surgery, When I Die They Will Donate My Body To Tupperware.

Anyone That Says Looks Don't Count Is Lying.

A Female Salmon Lays Three Thousand Eggs A Year - And Has Yet To Receive A Mother's Day Card From One Of Them.

My Body Is A Temple, And My Temple Needs Redecorating.

I Hate Billings, Montana. They Have A Fashion Show At Sears Roebuck

There Are Many Self-help Books By Ph.d.s, But I Hold A Different Degree: An I.b.t.i.a.-i've Been Through It All. This Degree Comes Not On Parchment But Gauze, And It Entitles Me To Tell You That There Is A Way To Get Through Any Misfortune.

The Palestinians Cannot Throw Rockets And Expect People Not To Defend Themselves

I Could Never Be In A Cult. For Starters, They Never Accessorize Properly. David Koresh Had No Fashion Sense, Jim Jones Wore Leisure Suits, And I Don't Care How Charismatic Osama Bin Laden Was, An Ak-47 And An Insulin Drip Do Not Take The Place Of Drop Earrings Or A Well-placed Brooch.

I Have Flabby Thighs, But Fortunately My Stomach Covers Them.

Nothing Is Yours Permanently So You Better Enjoy It While It's Happening.

Comedy Is Truth. We Should Not Apologize For It.

Emotional Troubles Are Like Landfill. Get Them Outside, And The Air Disintegrates Them.

Never Floss A Stranger.

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Life Is A Movie, And You're The Star. Give It A Happy Ending.

Show Business Can Be An Addiction. ... An Audience Would Laugh At Me One Night, And I Would Chase That High For Another Three Months.

I Have So Little Sex Appeal That My Gynecologist Calls Me "sir."

Oprah Winfrey Is So Powerful That She Had The Rapture Postponed Until After Her Final Show Airs.

I Use A Smoke Alarm As A Timer.

People Are Arguing Whether Mel Gibson's "passion Of The Christ" Is Anti-semitic. Well, Whether It Is Or It Isn't, It Doesn't Matter, Because I've Been In Touch With His Accounting Firm, Rosencrantz, Levy And Stern, And They're Screwing Him Out Of His Profits.

Just Remember: Surviving Is The Best Revenge, No Matter What The Disaster Has Been.

Every Time I Get On An Airplane I Figure It's Gonna Get Blown Up. You Live On The Edge.

I Lived To Be On Stage, And I'm Terrified. Terrified Before Every Show.

My Daughter Refuses To Call Me Mother In Public; My Little Grandson Calls Me Spongeslob Squarebottom, And Nobody Else Ever Calls Me At All.

I Enjoy Life When Things Are Happening. I Don't Care If It's Good Things Or Bad Things. That Means You're Alive.

Both Of My Parents Got To See Me Host Carson, Thank God. That's All Anyone Wants: To Have Their Parents See They're Going To Be All Right In Life.

Elizabeth Taylor's So Fat She Puts Mayonnaise On Aspirin.

I Was So Flat I Used To Put Xs On My Chest And Write, 'you Are Here.' I Wore Angora Sweaters Just So The Guys Would Have Something To Pet.

Life Goes By Fast. Enjoy It. Calm Down. It's All Funny.

Thought Provoking

Omaha Is A Little Like Newark, Without Newark's Glamour.

Welcome To My World! I've Been Through It All, And I Often Pinch Myself To Believe My Luck. I Design Jewlery, Create Cosmetics, Perform Comedy, Act, Lecture, Write Books, Travel, Have A Fabulous Daughter, And A Phenomenal Grandson-and I Feel I'm The Luckiest Woman On The Planet.

My Face Has Been Tucked In More Times Than A Bedsheet At The Holiday Inn.

After We Made Love He Took A Piece Of Chalk And Made An Outline Of My Body.

You Know You're Getting Old When You Buy A Sexy Sheer Nightgown And Don't Know Anyone Who Can See Through It.

Anyone That Says Looks Don't Count Is Lying. Of Course They Do. Even Babies Go To The Attractive Face. It's The Way Humans Work.

I'm Going Out With These Old Guys. One Guy Gave Me A Hickey And Left His Teeth In My Neck. Another Man, We Were Having A Perfectly Lovely Dinner; He Looked Up And Me And Went: You're Not My Wife! Another Guy Died During Dinner. I Had To Go In His Pocket To Get The American Express Card. Then You Wonder: What Would He Tip? Another Guy Said: I Want You To Meet My Family, And Took Me To The Cemetery.

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