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You Know You're Getting Old When Work Is A Lot Less Fun And Fun Is A Lot More Work.

-Joan Rivers

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You Know You're Getting

Joan Rivers

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You Know You're Getting Old When Work Is A Lot Less Fun And Fun Is A Lot More Work.

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You’re Going To Get What I Think Is The Truth, And It’s Going To Be Raw.

When My Husband Edgar And I Were Courting, He Said He Couldn't Wait To Have A Baby. It Was Only After We Were Married That He Changed His Mind And Decided That I Should Have The Baby.

Oprah Winfrey Is So Powerful That She Had The Rapture Postponed Until After Her Final Show Airs.

I Think I've Lost 3lbs - I'm Very, Very Happy. I Thought Of It As Work And A Spa.

Show Business Can Be An Addiction. ... An Audience Would Laugh At Me One Night, And I Would Chase That High For Another Three Months.

That Girl Had A Great Way Of Making Friends, And Strangers, And Anyone Else Who Was Around.

Never Admit That Your Back Goes Out More Than You Do

Self-pity Shortens Your Life.

I Hate Mcdonald's. I Don't Want To Order My Dinner By Yelling Into A Clown's Mouth. If I Want My Face In A Clown's Mouth, I'll Tongue Kiss Glenn Beck.

When A Man Has A Birthday, He Takes A Day Off. When A Woman Has A Birthday, She Takes At Least Three Years Off.

I Now Consider It A Good Day When I Don't Step On My Boobs.

The Palestinians Cannot Throw Rockets And Expect People Not To Defend Themselves

Al Roker Said I Am 80 Years 'young'; It's Like Saying Al Roker Is 320 Pounds 'thin'.

Comedy Is Truth. We Should Not Apologize For It.

I Want To Be Buried In A Valentino Gown And I Want Harry Winston To Make Me A Toe Tag.

I've Always Hate Child Stars, Starting From Way Back When, When I Was A Child. The First Child Star I Saw Was Shirley Temple. She Was Six Years Old, Two Foot Six And The Biggest Star In Hollywood. She Wore Ribbons In Her Hair, And Frilly Little Pinafores And Shiny Patent-leather Tap Shoes - Just Like The Boys In Glee Do.

I Could Never Be In A Cult. For Starters, They Never Accessorize Properly. David Koresh Had No Fashion Sense, Jim Jones Wore Leisure Suits, And I Don't Care How Charismatic Osama Bin Laden Was, An Ak-47 And An Insulin Drip Do Not Take The Place Of Drop Earrings Or A Well-placed Brooch.

My Personal Style Is Over-the-top Dowager. The Old Days They Said Get Dressed And Take One Thing Off, I Say Get Dressed And Put One Thing On.

Whatever You Do To Recover From A Loss, People Will Be Critical Because They Believe That The Only Way To Recover Is Their Way. And You Will Even Run Into Some People Who Should Be Run Into By Rhinos Because They Actually Don't Want To See You Get Over Your Tragedy At All; Grief Is A Spectator Sport For Them.

At My Funeral, I Want Meryl Streep Crying In Five Different Accents.

The Worst Thing That Ever Happened To Me On Stage Is Someone Ran Forward To Tell Me They Loved Me And Projectile Vomited All Over The Stage. It Was Horrible.

At My Age An Affair Of The Heart Is A Bypass!

Funny Valentine

What Are People Going To Do? Fire Me? I've Been Fired Before. Not Book Me? I've Been Out Of Work Before. I Don't Care.

My Father Was A Doctor So I Was Around Death All My Life. So, I Was Very Used To It Because He Was A F-king Doctor.

Russell Brand Has Announced That He Plans To Write A Series Of Children's Books. First Up: 'horton Hears A Heroin Dealer.'

A Man Can Sleep Around, No Questions Asked, But If A Woman Makes Nineteen Or Twenty Mistakes She's A Tramp.

Women Should Look Good. Work On Yourselves. Education? I Spit On Education. No Man Is Ever Going To Put His Hand Up Your Dress Looking For A Library Card.

I Use A Smoke Alarm As A Timer.

I Have To Tell You That It's Not Going To Be Easy. Take Every Chance And Every Opportunity That You Can. Don't Say 'i Can't' Or 'i Shouldn't' Or 'i'm Too Tired.'

I Think We All In Comedi Business, Especially When We Reach A Certain Age, Are Divas Up To A Point. I Love When A Limousine Comes For Me, I Can't Lie About That. I Love When You Go To A Restaurant And They Say, "come This Way, Miss Rivers," And You Get A Good Table. I Love All That, The Perks That Come With The Business.

I Was Dating A Transvestite, And My Mother Said, "marry Him, You'll Double Your Wardrobe."

I Lived To Be On Stage, And I'm Terrified. Terrified Before Every Show.

My Breasts Are So Low, Now I Can Have A Mammogram And A Pedicure At The Same Time.

Learn What Not To Expect. Irish Catholic They Get Sh**** Little Rings. Irish Women Get Crappy Rings. Baptist Get The Worst Because They Get The Rings Under Water. When It Comes Up, It's Garbage. Jewish, Big Rings. Episcopalian Big Rings. Italians-the Best, Because They Get Them Off Of Dead People, And Second Wives Get The Biggest Rings Of All.

My Mother Was A Very Elegant Woman. When A Flying Saucer Landed On The Lawn, She Turned It Over To See If It Was Wedgwood.

Before We Make Love, My Husband Takes A Pain Killer.

I Wish I Had A Twin, So I Could Know What I'd Look Like Without Plastic Surgery.

There's Always An Adjective Before My Name, And It's Never A Nice One.

I Like Colonic Irrigation Because Sometimes You Find Old Jewelry.

I Caused My Husband's Heart Attack. In The Middle Of Lovemaking I Took The Paper Bag Off My Head. He Dropped The Polaroid And Keeled Over And So Did The Hooker. It Would Have Taken Me Half An Hour To Untie Myself And Call The Paramedics, But Fortunately The Great Dane Could Dial.

Comedy - And I Say This With Humility - Comedy Needs Me.

Half Of All Marriages End In Divorce- And Then There Are The Really Unhappy Ones.

You Know You're Getting Old When You Buy A Sexy Sheer Nightgown And Don't Know Anyone Who Can See Through It.

Every Time I Get On An Airplane I Figure It's Gonna Get Blown Up. You Live On The Edge.

I Wear The Midi Because I Feel If You're Going To Look Ugly, You May As Well Look This Year's Ugly.

I Don't Think There'd Be A Tina Fey Now If I Hadn't Tried To Look Good In The Beginning.

My Daughter And I Are Very Close, We Speak Every Single Day And I Call Her Every Day And I Say The Same Thing, "pick Up, I Know You're There."

If I Found Yoko Ono Floating In My Pool, I'd Punish My Dog.

After We Made Love He Took A Piece Of Chalk And Made An Outline Of My Body.

Some Women Take Up The Law And Become Lawyers. Other Women Lay Down The Law And Become Wives.

Mel Gibson's Father Doesn't Think There Was A Holocaust? Great. I Don't Think There's A Movie. We're Even.

I Am Definitely Going To Watch The Emmys This Year! My Makeup Team Is Nominated For “best Special Effects.”

I Have So Little Sex Appeal That My Gynecologist Calls Me "sir."

I Felt A Comedy Ego Beginning To Grow, Which Gave Me The Courage To Begin Tentatively Looking Into Myself For Material.

Self Confidence

Everyone Takes Fashion So Seriously! It's Fashion - Enjoy It!

Florida Wants To Change The State's Motto To Attract Younger People. They're Thinking About: More Than Just A Great Place To Die.

Now, I'm Not Against Sex Before Marriage, But Two Minutes Before? When The Organist Played "here Comes The Bride".

Don't Tell Your Kids You Had An Easy Birth Or They Won't Respect You. For Years I Used To Wake Up My Daughter And Say, 'melissa You Ripped Me To Shreds. Now Go Back To Sleep.'.

Never Floss A Stranger.

I Was Not An Attractive Child. When I Didn't Use My Girl Scouts Uniform As A Uniform, I Used It As A Tent.

"i've Learned What's Funny Verbally Ain't So Funny On E-mail: They Don't Hear Your Intonations. Melissa Broke Up With Somebody Over That. She Tried To Tell Him: "that Was A Joke!" But He Just Didn't Get It. Mick Jagger Said, "f- 'em If They Don't Get The Joke." And I Love Him. That Comes With Age: Knowing It's Their Problem, Not Mine."

Tonight I'll Be Interviewing Ken Watanabe, Keisha Castle Hughes, Benecio Del Toro And Djimon Honsou - And Yes, Those Are Actors, Not Caterers.

I Was So Flat I Used To Put Xs On My Chest And Write, 'you Are Here.' I Wore Angora Sweaters Just So The Guys Would Have Something To Pet.

If You Hate Something, You Hate It, And If You Like Something Or Somebody, You Like It, But Tell The Truth. And Most Celebrities Have That Thin Veneer That They Will Not Break For You.

Telling The Truth

Somehow, Some Way, Every Person In The Arts Has To Find An Accommodation With Disappointment And Embarrassment. They Are The Pollen In The Air We Breathe. If You Must Go Into The Arts, Go Into Them For Yourself Alone. On Some Basic Level You Must Enjoy The Act Of Doing It ... Otherwise, You Are Going To End Up Frustrated And Unhappy. Recognition In The Arts Is Luck And Gravy.

In Life The Only Thing That You Can Expect Is The Unexpected; The Only Surprise Is A Day That Has None.

My Body Is Dropping So Fast, My Gynecologist Wears A Hard Hat.

Life Goes By Fast. Enjoy It...everyone Gets So Upset About The Wrong Things.

Valentine's Day Is Different For Old People. At This Age I Receive Chocolates In Boxes Shaped Like Artificial Hearts.

I Love Gay And Lesbian Parents. But I Think We Need A Law That Says Lesbians And Gay Men Have To Raise Their Children Together. This Way, The Kids Would Not Only Know How To Build Bookshelves, But They'd Also Instinctively Know How To Decorate Them.

With Age Comes Wisdom. You Don't Need Big Boobs To Be Feminine. Look At Liberace.

The Glass Is Always Half Empty. All Good Comedians Are Manic-depressive.

I Will Only Praise Someone Who Can't Take Anything Away From Me.

I Started My Career In A Town So Small The Local Clinic Was Called Fred's Hospital And Grill.

I've Learned: When You Get Older, Who Cares? I Don't Mince Words, I Don't Hold Back. What Are You Gonna Do To Me? Fire Me? It's Been Done. Threaten To Commit Suicide? Done. Take Away My Show? Done! Not Invite To Me To The Vanity Fair Party? I've Never Been Invited! If I Ever Saw The Invitation, I'd Use It As Toilet Paper.

There Is Nothing Funny About Aging: It Is Rotten And Depressing. Anyone Who Tells You Otherwise Just Hasn't Been Paying Attention.

My Earliest Childhood Memory Was Watching My Parents Loosen The Wheels On My Stroller.

I Enjoy Life When Things Are Happening. I Don't Care If It's Good Things Or Bad Things. That Means You're Alive.

Your Anger Can Be 49 Percent And Your Comedy 51 Percent, And You're Okay. If The Anger Is 51 Percent, The Comedy Is Gone.

I Told My Mother-in-law That My House Was Her House, And She Said, 'get The Hell Off My Property.'

Run Scared ... And They Never Catch You.

On Her Daughter Melissa: The Only Time She Really Cried Is When I Sat Her Down And Told Her That She Was Not Adopted.

I'm So Fat And I'm So Depressed; Last Night I Tried To Hang Myself - But The Rope Broke.

You Know Why I Feel Older? I Went To Buy Sexy Underwear And They Automatically Gift Wrapped It.

I Adore My Apartment In New York. It Was A Ballroom That I Remade, So It's Like A Loft But Done By Louis The Fifteenth.

Joan Collins Told A Reporter That She Hasn't Had Plastic Surgery; Come On... She's Had More Tucks Than A Motel Bedsheet!

I Am Not Lucky. I Am The Type Who Would Go To Lourdes And Drown In The Waters.

My Husband Wanted To Be Cremated. I Told Him I'd Scatter His Ashes At Neiman Marcus - That Way, I'd Visit Him Every Day.

[on Plastic Surgery:] My Motto Is: 'anything That Can Be Lifted Should Be Lifted. Anything That Falls Should Be Caught. And Try To Catch Any Falling Stuff Before It Hits The Ground.

If God Wanted Us To Bend Over He'd Put Diamonds On The Floor.

And Since We're All Adults Here, Let's Be Brutally Honest-most Babies Are Not Actually Attractive. In Fact, They're Weird And Freakish Looking. A Large Percentage Of Them Are Squinty-eyed And Bald And Their Faces Are All Mushed Toegther, Kind Of Like Renee Zellweger Pushed Up Against A Glass Window.

I Hate Housework! You Make The Beds, You Do The Dishes And Six Months Later You Have To Start All Over Again.

I Was Getting Dressed And A Peeping Tom Looked In The Window, Took A Look And Pulled Down The Shade.

Remember A Few Years Ago When They Left Bea Arthur Out Of The Death Reel At The Oscars? Bea Arthur! How Did They Leave Bea Arthur Out? She Was In Mame; She Was In All In The Family; She Was In Maude; She Was A Golden Girl, For God's Sake! Bea Was Not Only One Of Hollywood's Leading Ladies, She Was One Of Hollywood's Leading Men!

You Have To Do More Than Just Kill Time Or Time Will Quickly Kill You.

A German Sense Of Humor Is An Oxymoron.

I Was Not An Attractive Child.

You Don’t Marry For Love. What Does Love Got To Do With Marriage? I Spit On Love And Marriage. You Marry For Money.

Love And Marriage

I Have No Methods. All I Do Is Accept People As They Are.

The First Time I See A Jogger Smiling, I'll Consider It.

The Last Time I Saw A Blonde With Red Streaks In Her Hair She Was Laying On Oscar Pistorius' Bathroom Floor.

My Routines Come Out Of Total Unhappiness. My Audiences Are My Group Therapy.

Elizabeth Taylor Has More Chins Than The Chinese Telephone Directory.

Emotional Troubles Are Like Landfill. Get Them Outside, And The Air Disintegrates Them.

As A Wedding Gift, Ray J Gave Kim Kardashian His Profits From Their Sex Tape. It's 'something Old' As Well As 'something Blew.'

Welcome To My World! I've Been Through It All, And I Often Pinch Myself To Believe My Luck. I Design Jewlery, Create Cosmetics, Perform Comedy, Act, Lecture, Write Books, Travel, Have A Fabulous Daughter, And A Phenomenal Grandson-and I Feel I'm The Luckiest Woman On The Planet.

Here's A Thanksgiving Tip. Generally, Your Turkey Is Not Cooked Enough If It Passes You The Cranberry Sauce.

I Was The Last Girl In Larchmont, Ny To Get Married. My Mother Had A Sign Up: "last Girl Before Freeway."

Never Buy A Fur From A Vegetarian.

The Only Street I Like Is Rue Honore De Balzac, Because 'balzac' Sound So Gay, And I Love My Gays. I Might Like Parisians More If They Named Their Streets Only For Gay Icons, Like Rue Liza Minnelli Or Rue Bette Midler Or, My Favorite, Rue Mcclanahan.

Tom Cruise And Katie Holmes Had The Baby. He Was There For The Birth. It Would've Been Nice If He Was There For The Conception.

Mick Jagger Could French-kiss A Moose. He Has Child-bearing Lips.

When You're First-generation Money, You Want To Say, "i Got A Mercedes And A Rolls And A Lamborghini. Take A Look." When You're Second-generation Money, You're Very Quiet Behind Your Country Club Doors. I Think That's Why People Are Much More Aware. It's The First-generation Wives That Have The Huge Rings And The Second-generation Says, "everyone Be Quiet As We Get On Our Yacht Or Our Private Plane."

My Mother Could Make Anybody Feel Guilty - She Used To Get Letters Of Apology From People She Didn't Even Know.

Travel Is The Excitement Of Life! Everything Is An Adventure, And If You Look At It Like That, Even At The Worst Moment You Can Say: 'we Will Laugh Tomorrow About This.' And You Do.

They Almost Had To Cancel The Oscars Tonight Because All Of The Designers And Stylists Are Still In Line In San Francisco Trying To Marry One Another.

The First Rule Of Survival Is: Make Your Own Rules. The Hell Anyone Thinks About The Way You're Acting; Listen Only To Yourself.

Every Comedian Is Furious. Age Makes Me Angry. I'm Unhappy At Not Being Able To Open Packages Anymore. I'm Angry That Libraries Have Gone. I Hate Children On Planes. I'm Very Shallow, So They Tend To Be Little Things. To Be Honest, I Think I Was Probably Angry The Day I Was Born, You Know, About Diapers Or Something.

People Are Arguing Whether Mel Gibson's "passion Of The Christ" Is Anti-semitic. Well, Whether It Is Or It Isn't, It Doesn't Matter, Because I've Been In Touch With His Accounting Firm, Rosencrantz, Levy And Stern, And They're Screwing Him Out Of His Profits.

If You Don't Think That All Life Is Improvisation, Then You Haven't Been Paying Attention. Life Is What Happens To You While You're Making Other Plans.

Girls Just Want To Have Fun. Well, So Do Old Ladies!

I've Learned To Have Absolutely No Regrets About Any Jokes I've Ever Done.

In Every Human Endeavor, Persistence Is Everything.

Moving On Is A Gift You Give Yourself.

You Know You're Getting Old When Work Is A Lot Less Fun And Fun Is A Lot More Work.

Comedy Exists To Laugh At Things That Aren't Laughable. But Isn't It? That's What Separates Us From The Animals. We Laugh.

Better Laid Than Never.

I Hate Thin People; 'oh, Does The Tampon Make Me Look Fat?'

I Am A Dyke! And I'm Damn Proud Of It!

Because I'm The Only Performer Who Comes Out And Says I've Had Plastic Surgery, I've Become The Plastic Surgery Poster Girl, Which Is Hilarious, Because Everybody Has Done It And They All Deny It. They Stand There, Like The Bride Of Frankenstein, They've All Got Stitches, And They All Say, 'i've Done Nothing.' I Talk About It.

The Thing Is, I'm Happiest When I'm On Stage.

I Have No Sex Appeal, Which Kills Me. The Only Way I Can Ever Hear Heavy Breathing From My Husband's Side Of The Bed Is When He's Having An Asthma Attack.

Comediennes Are The Lucky Ones, Because If You're Funny, You Can Be 125 Years Old And They Will Still Accept You.

Elizabeth Taylor's So Fat She Puts Mayonnaise On Aspirin.

Marriage Isn't A Contest To See Who Is Most Often Right. Marriage Requires Being What The Japanese Call 'the Wise Bamboo,' Which Means You Bend So You Don't Break. Treat Your Spouse With The Flexibility And Respect You Would Give To A Top Client. Think How We Treat Clients; We Smile, We Are Polite, We Listen To Their Ideas. Never Forget That Your Spouse Is Your Most Important Client.

Edgar Had A Heart Attack, And I'm To Blame. We Were Making Love, And I Took The Bag Off My Head.

To The Pessimist The Light At The End Of The Tunnel Is Another Train.

Keep Moving. It's Hard For Old Age To Hit A Moving Target.

Acting Is My True Love. I Would Like To Have Been A Serious Actor, And I Plan To In The Next Life. I'm Gonna Be Meryl Streep Rivers.

I Have A Wonderful Psychiatrist That I See Maybe Once A Year, Because I Don't Need It. It All Comes Out Onstage.

Yeah, I Read History. But It Doesn't Make You Nice. Hitler Read History, Too.

I Have A Million Dollar Figure ... But It's All Loose Change.

My Best Birth Control Now Is Just To Leave The Lights On.

Funny Relationship

I Always Like A Charity With People Who Don't Speak English Because I Get Them To Do All Kinds Of Things Around My House.

Gay Marriage, I Am So Against It Because If All My Gay Friends Get Married, It Will Cost Me A Fortune In Gifts.

What Could Be Nicer Than To Have Three Horrible Children Behind You In An Airplane, And The Next Set, You Go Onstage And You Talk About How Much You Despise The Children And What You Would Like To Do To Them On An Airplane? That's The Only Time I Would Gladly Take A Terrorist On. It'd Be Worth It To Get Rid Of These Children.

I Said To My Husband, 'my Boobs Have Gone, My Stomach's Gone, Say Something Nice About My Legs.' He Said, 'blue Goes With Everything.'

I Succeeded By Saying What Everyone Else Is Thinking.

The Fun Of Working On The Road Means Stealing From Hotels. I've Been Doing It For So Long, I Have A Set Of Towels From The Ark.

I'll Lie Still For A Lot Of Things - But Sex Isn't One Of Them.

"i Wouldn't Go Over Here To Lisa Rinna And I Would Say 'are Those Breasts Real, Are You Wearing Underwear?'"

Want To Know Why Women Don't Blink During Foreplay? Not Enough Time.

I Finally Found Out How Priests Get Holy Water. They Boil The Hell Out Of It.

I Don't Think I'm Good In Bed. My Husband Never Said Anything, But After We Made Love He'd Take A Piece Of Chalk And Outline My Body.

All My Friends Are Dying. That's Why I Always Wear Black.

She's So Fat, She's My Two Best Friends.

Two Best Friends

I Was Born In 1962, And The Room Next To Me Was 1963.

Both Of My Parents Got To See Me Host Carson, Thank God. That's All Anyone Wants: To Have Their Parents See They're Going To Be All Right In Life.

My Body Is A Temple, And My Temple Needs Redecorating.

Is Elizabeth Taylor Fat? Her Favorite Food Is Seconds.

I Was Absorbing A Sorry Truth Of Show Business - Rejection Is The Norm And Acceptance The Oddity. I Was Learning To Cut The Tops Off My Highs And Stay With The Lows Where The Rejections And Letdowns Would Be Shallow.

You Know It's Time To Start Using Mouthwash When Your Dentist Leaves The Room And Sends In A Canary.

I Have No Sex Appeal. If My Husband Didn't Toss And Turn, We'd Never Have Had Any Kids.

If You Can't Make Fun Of Yourself, You Don't Have Any Right To Make Fun Of Others

You're College Graduates Now, So Use Your Education. Remember: It's Not Who You Know, It's Whom.

What I Love About Jewelry Is You Can Change It For Something Else Without Surgery.

When You First Get Married, They Open The Car Door For You. Eighteen Years Now...once He Opened The Car Door For Me In The Last Four Years - We Were On The Freeway At The Time.

Elizabeth Taylor Was So Fat That Whenever She Went To London In A Red Dress, 30 Passengers Would Try To Board Her.

Life Is A Movie, And You're The Star. Give It A Happy Ending.

People Say That Money Is Not The Key To Happiness, But I Always Figured If You Have Enough Money, You Can Have A Key Made.

My Love Life Is Like A Piece Of Swiss Cheese; Most Of It's Missing, And What's There Stinks.

Diets, Like Clothes, Should Be Tailored To You.

Any Form Of Complacency Is The Kiss Of Death For Any Professional.

If You Don't Think You're Funny, No One Else Will.

I Think It Was Cosby Who Also Said To Me, 'if Only 2 Percent Of The World Thinks You're Funny, You'll Still Fill Stadiums For The Rest Of Your Life.'

Rest Of Your Life

I Think Hillary Clinton's Style Is Perfect. Perfect. You Don't Notice What She's Wearing, You Notice The Woman.

The Nice Thing About Viagra Is That They Are Proving Men Can Go Blind On It, So You Can Gain Weight And Have A Great Sex Life.

Bo Derek Turned Down The Role Of Helen Keller Because She Couldn't Remember The Lines.

Life Goes By Fast. Enjoy It. Calm Down. It's All Funny.

Thought Provoking

Forty For You, Sixty For Me. And Equal Partners We Will Be.

Victoria Beckham Is So Nasty, Why Doesn't She Just Go Home?! Her Dresses Are Beautiful, But I Don't Care What She Does. She's Mean To All The People Around Her. She's Too Short To Be A Diva. We All Use The Same Hairdressers, Make-up Artists, Limo-drivers And Greeters At The Airports In La And Nobody Has Anything Nice To Say About Her. They Say She's Rude. She Can't Always Just Be Having A Bad Day.

My Mother Told Me 'man On Top, Woman Underneath.' For Years My Husband & I Slept In Bunk Beds.

To Maintain Success, Stamina Is More Important Than Talent. You Have To Learn To Be A Marathon Runner.

A Study Says Owning A Dog Makes You 10 Years Younger. My First Thought Was To Rescue Two More, But I Don't Want To Go Through Menopause Again.

I Love The Way My Life Has Fallen Into Place.

I Once Dated A Guy So Dumb He Could Not Count To 21 Unless He Was Naked

Two Is Company; Three Is Fifty Bucks.

I'm At The Top, Top, Top Of My Game Now. I'm So Happy To Be On That Stage, I'm In Control Of It, And I Love Every Minute Of It. I Walk Onstage In Rehearsal And I Start To Smile. And So I Just Don't Care What Anyone Else Is Doing. Do What You Want, Say What You Want. Nobody Else Can Do What I Do Onstage. Nobody.

Why Should A Woman Cook? So Her Husband Can Say 'my Wife Makes A Delicious Cake' To Some Hooker?

Sold My House In La, Packed Myself Up And Moved To New York, Not Knowing Anybody. Friends Are Very Hard To Make After A Certain Age.

If You Laugh At It, You Can Deal With It.

I Like My Politicians And My Judges And My Lawyers To Be Simple. I Think If You Worry About Where Your Hemline Is You're Really Not Concentrating On The World Crisis.

I Hate Reality Shows That Are Not Reality.

My Daughter Refuses To Call Me Mother In Public; My Little Grandson Calls Me Spongeslob Squarebottom, And Nobody Else Ever Calls Me At All.

The Ideal Beauty Is A Fugitive Which Is Never Found.

It's Been So Long Since I Made Love, I Can't Even Remember Who Gets Tied Up.

With This Face, I Need All The Deals I Can Get.

The Fashion Magazines Are Suggesting That Women Wear Clothes That Are 'age Appropriate.' For Me That Would Be A Shroud.

I Got A Waterbed, But My Husband Stocked It With Trout.

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