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I Love Talking About The Kennedy Assasination. The Reason I Do Is Because I'm Fascinated By It. I'm Fascinated That Our Government Could Lie To Us So Blatantly, So Obviously For So Long, And We Do Absolutely Nothing About It. I Think That's Interesting In What Is Ostensibly A Democracy. Sarcasm - Come On In. People Say Bill, Quit Talking About Kennedy Man. It Was A Long Time Ago, Just Let It Go, Alright? It's A Long Time Ago, Just Forget It. I'm Like, Alright, Then Don't Bring Up Jesus To Me. As Long As We're Talking Shelf Life Here.

-Bill Hicks

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I Love Talking About

Bill Hicks

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I Love Talking About The Kennedy Assasination. The Reason I Do Is Because I'm Fascinated By It. I'm Fascinated That Our Government Could Lie To Us So Blatantly, So Obviously For So Long, And We Do Absolutely Nothing About It. I Think That's Interesting In What Is Ostensibly A Democracy. Sarcasm - Come On In. People Say Bill, Quit Talking About Kennedy Man. It Was A Long Time Ago, Just Let It Go, Alright? It's A Long Time Ago, Just Forget It. I'm Like, Alright, Then Don't Bring Up Jesus To Me. As Long As We're Talking Shelf Life Here.

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You Ever Noticed How People Who Believe In Creationism Look Really Un-evolved? You Ever Noticed That? Eyes Real Close Together, Eyebrow Ridges, Big Furry Hands And Feet. "i Believe God Created Me In One Day". Yeah, Looks Like He Rushed It

God Has This...hobby. He Creates Perfection. This World Is Not Perfect. We Have To Learn To Separate Illusions From Reality.

Jesus-murdered. Martin Luther King-murdered. Gandhi-murdered. Malcolm X-murdered. Reagan-wounded.

On The Theft Of His Material By Denis Leary: "i Have A Scoop For You. I Stole His Act. I Camouflaged It With Punchlines, And To Really Throw People Off, I Did It Before He Did."

Sometimes My Dad Even Gets On This Kick--'you Hate This Country'....i Have To Tell Him...i Just Hate Being Lied To.

Nicotine Patches Are Great. Stick One Over Each Eye And You Can't Find Your Fags.

Cigarette Smoke

Women Priests. Great, Great. Now There's Priests Of Both Sexes I Don't Listen To.

England, Where No One Has Guns: 14 Deaths. United States...23,000 Deaths From Handguns. But - There's No Connection.

I Don't Identify With Anyone Historically, But There Are Several People In The Future Who I Am A Dead Ringer For.

Yesterday, Some Hooligans Knocked Over A Dustbin In Shaftesbury.

I Don't Like Anything In The Mainstream And They Don't Like Me.

Revolutionary Ideas

"smoking May Cause Fetal Injury Or Premature Birth." ... I Found My Brand. Just Don't Get The Ones That Say, "lung Cancer."

The Role Of The Comedian Is To Say 'wait A Minute' When A Consensus Starts To Form.

You Know What I Hate About Working? Bosses...the Very Idea That Anyone Could Be My Boss, Well...i Think You See The Conflict.

You Know All The Money We Spend On Nuclear Weapons And Defence Every Year? Trillions Of Dollars? Correct? Trillions. Instead, If We Spent That Money Feeding And Clothing The Poor Of The World,which It Would Pay For Many Times Over, Not One Human Being Excluded, Not One, We Could, As One Race, Explore Outer Space Together In Peace Forever

Don't Worry; Don't Be Afraid, Ever, Because This Is Just A Ride.

Revolutionary Ideas

Listen, The Next Revolution Is Gonna Be A Revolution Of Ideas.

Revolutionary Ideas

I Can't Watch Tv Longer Than Five Minutes Without Praying For Nuclear Holocaust.

Revolutionary Ideas

Mummy, I Woke Today And There Was A Lincoln Log In Me Sock Drawer! ... That's The Story Of Jesus.

Just A Simple Choice, Right Now, Between Fear And Love. The Eyes Of Fear Want You To Put Bigger Locks On Your Doors, Buy Guns, Close Yourself Off. The Eyes Of Love Instead See All Of Us As One. Here's What We Can Do To Change The World, Right Now, To A Better Ride. Take All That Money We Spend On Weapons And Defenses Each Year And Instead Spend It Feeding And Clothing And Educating The Poor Of The World, Which It Would Pay For Many Times Over, Not One Human Being Excluded, And We Could Explore Space, Together, Both Inner And Outer, Forever, In Peace.

I Believe That There Is An Equality To All Humanity. We All Suck.

Revolutionary Ideas

I Do Not Believe Making Money In Order To Consume Goods Is Mankind’s Sole Purpose On This Planet. If You’re Wondering What I Believe Our Purpose On This Planet Is, I’ll Give You A Hint... It Has To Do With Creating And Sharing.

As Long As One Person Lives In Darkness Then It Seems To Be A Responsibility To Tell Other People.

I Love Talking About The Kennedy Assasination. The Reason I Do Is Because I'm Fascinated By It. I'm Fascinated That Our Government Could Lie To Us So Blatantly, So Obviously For So Long, And We Do Absolutely Nothing About It. I Think That's Interesting In What Is Ostensibly A Democracy. Sarcasm - Come On In. People Say Bill, Quit Talking About Kennedy Man. It Was A Long Time Ago, Just Let It Go, Alright? It's A Long Time Ago, Just Forget It. I'm Like, Alright, Then Don't Bring Up Jesus To Me. As Long As We're Talking Shelf Life Here.

The Puppet On The Right Shares My Beliefs, The Puppet On The Left Is More To My Liking. Hey...there's One Guy Holding Up Both!

I Wouldn't Give Satan A Snowball's Chance In Hell Against A Woman's Ego.

If Ur Going To Have A War On Drugs, Have Them Against All Drugs, Including Alcohol, The Number One Offender.

I Love Talking About Kennedy Assassination...a Great Archetypal Example Of How Totalitarian Government...sorry, Wrong Meeting.

I Believe That The Bible Is The Literal Word Of God. And I Say No, It's Not, Dad. Well, I Believe That It Is. Well, You Know, Some People Believe They're Napoleon. That's Fine. Beliefs Are Neat. Cherish Them, But Don't Share Them Like They're The Truth.

I Get A Kick Out Of Being An Outsider Constantly. It Allows Me To Be Creative.

Revolutionary Ideas

And If I Can Take Part In It By Transforming My Own Consciousness, Then Someone Else's, I'm Happy To Do It.

Ever Notice That People Who Believe In Creationism Look Really Unevolved? Eyes Real Close Together, Big Furry Hands And Feet. "i Believe God Created Me In One Day." Yeah, Looks Like He Rushed It.

Is It Impossible To Imagine Americans Sneaking Into Mexico En Masse, Seeking Regular Employment And A Better Way Of Life?

Eternal Suffering Awaits Anyone Who Questions God's Infinite Love.

Revolutionary Ideas

They Want You To Be A Docile Apathetic Consumer

I Am A Misanthropic Humanist... Do I Like People? They're Great, In Theory.

So Scary Watching The News...like Iraq...could Ever Under Any Stretch Of The Imagination Be Any Threat To Us Whatsoever.

I Began Working Quite Young, Writing, Growing, Maturing, Always Striving To Top Myself - To Make People Laugh Hard At Things They Know And Believe Deep In Their Hearts To Be True.

Supreme Court Says Pornography Is Anything Without Artistic Merit That Causes Sexual Thoughts, That's Their Definition, Essentially. No Artistic Merit, Causes Sexual Thoughts. Hmm... Sounds Like... Every Commercial On Television, Doesn't It? You Know, When I See Those Two Twins On That Doublemint Commercial? I'm Not Thinking Of Gum. I Am Thinking Of Chewing, So Maybe That's The Connection They're Trying To Make.

Today A Young Man On Acid Realized That All Matter Is Merely Energy Condensed To A Slow Vibration, That We Are All One Consciousness Experiencing Itself Subjectively, There Is No Such Thing As Death, Life Is Only A Dream, And We Are The Imagination Of Ourselves. Here's Tom With The Weather.

They Believe The Bible Is The Exact Word Of God - Then They Change The Bible! Pretty Presumptuous, Hu Huh? "i Think What God Meant To Say..."

A Christian Will Say... "i Believe God Created Me In One Day" Yeah, Looks Liked He Rushed It.

Nonsmokers--this Is For You And You Only. Ready? Nonsmokers Die Every Day. Sleep Tight.

I Love Talking About The Kennedy Assassination. The Reason I Do Is Because I'm Fascinated By It. I'm Fascinated That Our Government Could Lie To Us So Blatantly, So Obviously For So Long, And We Do Absolutely Nothing About It.

You Watch The News These Days? It's Unbelievable. You Think You Just Walk Out Your Door, You're Immediately Gonna Be Raped By Some Crack-addicted, Aids-infected Pitbull.

Pot Is A Better Drug Than Alcohol. I'll Prove It To You. You're At A Ball Game Or A Concert, And Someone's Really Violent And Agressive And Obnoxious, Are They Drunk Or Are They Smoking Pot?

It's Really Weird How Your Life Changes. Tonight I'm Drinking Water. Four Years Ago? Opium. Night And Day, You Know?

I Believe It Is Our Own Misperceptions Of Who We Really Are That Leads To Every Self-created Hell You'll Find In This World.

Life Is Only A Dream, And We Are The Imagination Of Ourselves.

Revolutionary Ideas

I'm A Heavy Smoker. I Go Through Two Lighters A Day.

You Ever Notice That Everyone Who Believes In Creationism Looks Really Un-evolved?

Well We Looked At All The People In The Bible And We Added 'em Up All The Way Back To Adam And Eve, Their Ages: 12,000 Years.

I Don't Do Drugs Anymore... Than, Say, The Average Touring Funk Band.

I Find It Ironic That People Who Are Against Things That Cause Sexual Thoughts Are Generally Fundamentalist Christians Who Also Believe You Should Be Fruitful And Multiply.

I Was In Australia....lotta Leg Room Down Under. Apartments: Dollar A Month. 2000-acre Den....think Of The Parties.

I Was Told When I Grew Up I Could Be Anything I Wanted: A Fireman, A Policeman, A Doctor - Even President, It Seemed. And For The First Time In The History Of Mankind, Something New, Called An Astronaut. But Like So Many Kids Brought Up On A Steady Diet Of Westerns, I Always Wanted To Be The Avenging Cowboy Hero - That Lone Voice In The Wilderness, Fighting Corruption And Evil Wherever I Found It, And Standing For Freedom, Truth And Justice. And In My Heart Of Hearts I Still Track The Remnants Of That Dream Wherever I Go, In My Endless Ride Into The Setting Sun.

I'm Not Into Those Kind Of Rivalries. I Remember Standing Out In Front Of Stratford, Minding My Own Business. Carload Of About Eighty Kids Would Pull Up: 'stratford Sucks!' Am I Supposed To Run After These Guys? I'd Just Stand There, You Know. They'd Back Up. 'stratford Sucks! ...stratford Sucks!' I'd Say, 'i Know. I Go There. You're Wasting Gas, Man.

It's Hard To Have A Relationship In This Business...it's Gonna Take A Very Special Woman...or A Bunch Of Average Ones.

No, I Don't Do Drugs Anymore, Either. But I'll Tell You Something About Drugs. I Used To Do Drugs, But I'll Tell You Something Honestly About Drugs, Honestly, And I Know It's Not A Very Popular Idea, You Don't Hear It Very Often Anymore, But It Is The Truth: I Had A Great Time Doing Drugs. Sorry. Never Murdered Anyone, Never Robbed Anyone, Never Raped Anyone, Never Beat Anyone, Never Lost A Job, A Car, A House, A Wife Or Kids, Laughed My Ass Off, And Went About My Day.

It Has Become More And More Obvious That There Is One Political Party In America, And That Is The Business Party.

Rock Stars Hawking Diet Cokes--are Demons Set Loose On The Earth To Lower The Standards For The Perfect & Holy Children Of God!

Not All Drugs Are Good.. Some Of Them Are Great

What Does An Atheist Scream When They Come?

I'll Smoke, I'll Cough, I'll Get The Tumors, I'll Die, Deal? Thank You America. [salutes]

A Lotta Christians Wear Crosses 'round Their Necks; Do You Think If Jesus Comes Back He Ever Wants To See Another Cross?

Sometimes You Feel In Control, And It's Great, But Sometimes You Just Don't Feel In Control And You Really Have To Struggle To Get Laughs.

Will There Be Titty? Sure. Boom! I'm A Producer. Where You Been All Our Life, Boy? We Been Lookin For You In Hollywood.

Writing, Acting, Music, Comedy. A Deep Love Of Literature And Books. Thank God For All The Artists Who've Helped Me.

How About A Positive Lsd Story? Wouldn't That Be News-worthy, Just The Once? To Base Your Decision On Information Rather Than Scare Tactics And Superstition And Lies? I Think It Would Be News-worthy.

I Used To Drink, I Did, I Had To Quit. Man, I Was An Embarrassing Drunk. I'd Get Pulled Over By The Cops, I'd Be So Drunk I'd Be Out Dancing To Their Lights Thinking I'd Made It To Another Club.

I Believe The Cost Of Life Is Death And We Will All Pay That In Full. Everything Else Should Be A Gift.

I, Like All Artists In Western Cultures, Am A Shaman...come In The Guise Of A Comic...to Heal Perception By Using...'jokes'.

Western Culture

To Me, Texas Is Austin, A Bunch Of Cool People Trying To Make A Difference.

What Strikes Me As Funny About Elvis Is That All The Impersonators Choose To Do The Vegas Elvis; Not The Young, Cool Guy, Always The Bloated Fool.

No One Knows What It's Like ... To Be A Dustbin ... In Shaftesbury ... With Hooligans.

I Loved When Bush Came Out And Said, 'we Are Losing The War Against Drugs.' You Know What That Implies? There's A War Being Fought, And The People On Drugs Are Winning It.

I Got This Big Fear Of Doing Smoking Jokes In My Act And Showing Up Five Years From Now Goin' [puts Mic To His Neck And Speaks As If He Had A Mechanical Larynx] 'good Evening Everybody, Remember Me, Smoking's Bad. [puts Cigarette To Neck And Mimics Smoking It] Eeww. You Ever Seen Somebody Do That? I've Seen Someone Do That. Let Me Tell You Something — If You're Smoking Out Of A Hole In Your Neck [mimics It Again] I'd Think About Quitting. And That's Just Me, Ya Know.

It's Not A War On Drugs, It's A War On Personal Freedom.

Personal Freedom

Speaking Of Satan, I Was Watching Rush Limbaugh The Other Day.

My Voice Was Not Heard, The Questions Were Not Asked That I Wanted To See Asked.

It's An Insane World, And I'm Proud To Be A Part Of It.

I'm Sorry If Any Of You Are Catholic. I'm Not Sorry If You're Offended, I'm Actually Just Sorry By The Fact That You're Catholic.

I Never Got Along With My Dad. Kids Used To Come Up To Me And Say, 'my Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad.' I'd Say 'yeah? When?'

I Need My Sleep. I Need About Eight Hours A Day, And About Ten At Night.

Go Back To Bed America, Your Government Is In Control Again. Go Back To Bed America... You Are Free To Do As We Tell You... You Are Free To Do As We Tell You.

There Is A 3rd Point Of View On The Gun Control Issue - Those Who I Refer To As The Victims - But They Remain Strangely Silent.

Why Is Marijuana Against The Law? It Grows Naturally Upon Our Planet. Doesn’t The Idea Of Making Nature Against The Law Seem To You A Bit . . . Unnatural?

I'm Totally Confused About What I'm Going To Do With My Life.

I...am An Evolved Being Who Deals Solely With The Source Of Light...in All Of Us In Our Own Minds. No Middleman Required.

While I've Found Many Of The Religious Shows I've Viewed Over The Years Not To Be To My Liking, Or In Line With My Own Beliefs, I've Never Considered It My Place To Exert Any Greater Type Of Censorship Than Changing The Channel, Or Better Yet - Turning Off The Tv Completely.

Freedom Of Speech

Rock Stars Against Drugs--that's What We Want, Isn't It? Government-approved Rock-n-roll? Woo! We're Partying Now!

What Before Seemed A...frustrating Wall, The Comic Deftly And Fearlessly Steps Through, Proving The Absurdity Of It All.

We Are The Facilitators Of Our Own Creative Evolution.

Dinosaur Fossils Were Placed In Rocks By Prankster God Just To Make Human Beings Think The World Is Older Than It Is.

Laughter Makes The Bitter Swallowing Of Truth, For Some, A Little Easier.

It's You People Dying From Nothing That Are Screwed. I Got All Sorts Of Neat Gadgets Waiting For Me...oxygen Tent, Iron Lung.

Pornography Is Any Act That Has No Artistic Merit And Causes Sexual Thoughts...sounds Like Almost Every Commercial On Tv To Me.

The World Is Like A Ride In An Amusement Park. And When You Choose To Go On It You Think It's Real Because That's How Powerful Our Minds Are. And The Ride Goes Up And Down And Round And Round. It Has Thrills And Chills And It's Very Brightly Coloured And It's Very Loud And It's Fun, For A While. Some People Have Been On The Ride For A Long Time And They Begin To Question: "is This Real, Or Is This Just A Ride?" And Other People Have Remembered, And They Come Back To Us, They Say, "hey, Don't Worry, Don't Be Afraid, Ever, Because This Is Just A Ride." And We Kill Those People.

Man, The Beatles Were So High, They Let Ringo Sing A Coupla Tunes. Tell Me They Weren't Partyin'.

I Was A Weekend Drinker...i'd Start On Saturday, End On Friday...thought I Was Controlling It...but I Don't Drink Any More.

Is It My Business If Somebody Wants To Burn A Flag?...no, It's Not...that's Called Logic And It'll Help Us All Evolve.

You're Not A Human Till You're In My Phone Book. There. My Hat Is Now In The Political Ring.

I'll Tell You How To Solve This Abortion Thing...those Unwanted Babies...? Leave About 12 Of Them On The Supreme Court Steps.

People Are Bringing Shotguns To Ufo Sightings...brings A Whole New Meaning To That Phrase 'you Ain't From Around Here, Ar'ya?'

I Hate Patriotism... I Can't Stand It. It's A Round World Last Time I Checked.

It Is Hard To Quit Smoking. Every One Of Them Looks Real Good To Me Right About Now. Every Cigarette Looks Like It Was Made By God, Rolled By Jesus And Moistened Shut With Claudia Schiffer's Pussy.

See We Just Had A Misunderstanding. I Thought We Lived In The U.s. Of A., The United States Of America. But Actually We Live In The U.s. Of A., The United States Of Advertising. Freedom Of Expression Is Guaranteed? If You've Got The Money!

The War On Drugs To Me Is Absolutely Phoney, Its So Obviously Phoney, Ok? It's A War Against Our Civil Rights, That's All It Is. They're Using It To Make Us Afraid To Go Out At Night, Afraid Of Each Other, So That We Lock Ourselves In Our Homes And They Get Suspending Our Rights One By One.

And On The Seventh Day, God Stepped Back And Said And Said, "this Is My Creation, Perfect In Every Way... Oh, Dammit I Left All This Pot All Over The Place. Now They'll Think I Want Them To Smoke It... Now I Have To Create Republicans."

Oh Sorry, I Was Taking Life Seriously.

What's Gonna Happen To The Arms Industry When We Realize We're All One. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha! It's Gonna Fuck Up The Economy! The Economy That's Fake Anyway! Ha Ha Ha! Which Would Be A Real Bummer. You Know. You Can See Why The Government's Cracking Down... On The Idea Of Experiencing Unconditional Love, Ah.

I Don't Care If You're Obscene, Filthy, Horrendous -- As Long As You're Honest.

People Always Snap And Think They're Jesus. How Come No One Ever Snaps And Thinks They're Buddha?

Right Foot, Left Foot, Hemorrhage.

We're Supposed To Keep Evolving. Evolution Did Not End With Us Growing Opposable Thumbs. You Do Know That, Right?

Revolutionary Ideas

I Was In A Cab In New York. The Cab Had A Sign, "please Do Not Smoke, Christ Is Our Unseen Guest." This Guy Was Reaching. I Figure, If He Could Overcome Being Nailed To A Cross, I Don't Think A Marlboro Light's Gonna Faze Him That Much.

People In The U.k. Share My Bemusement With The United States That America Doesn't Share With Itself. They Have A Sense Of Irony, Which America Doesn't Have, Seeing As It's Being Run By Fundamentalists Who Take Things Literally.

I'm Very Tired Of Staring Out Into Your Vacant Faces Looking Back At Me. Wanting To Fill Your Empty Lives With Humor You Couldn't Possibly Think Of Yourself... Good Evening!

Folks, It's Time To Evolve. That's Why We're Troubled. You Know Why Our Institutions Are Failing Us, The Church, The State, Everything's Failing? It's Because, Um - They're No Longer Relevant. We're Supposed To Keep Evolving. Evolution Did Not End With Us Growing Opposable Thumbs. You Do Know That, Right?

Revolutionary Ideas

That's What I'm Gonna Do: Quit Gradually...i'm Gonna Lose One Lung; Little While Later I'm Gonna Lose The Other One.

In The Beginning God Created The Heavans And The Earth... See You At The Final.

I Do Not Believe Making Money In Order To Consume Goods Is Mankind's Sole Purpose On This Planet.

Good Comedy Helps People Know They're Not Alone. Great Comedy Provides An Answer.

Mister, I Don't Want No Trouble. I Just Came Downtown Here To Get Some Hard Rock Candy For My Kids, Some Gingham For My Wife. I Don't Even Know What Gingham Is, But She Goes Through About Ten Rolls A Week Of That Stuff. I Ain't Looking For No Trouble, Mister.

How Many Of Y'all Wondered, Like I Did, During The La Riots When Those People Were Being Pulled Out Of Their Trucks And Beaten Half To Death - Step On The F***ing Gas, Man! They're On Foot, You're In A Truck - I Think I See A Way Out Of This.

People Often Ask Me Where I Stand Politically. It's Not That I Disagree With Bush's Economic Policy Or His Foreign Policy, It's That I Believe He Was A Child Of Satan Sent Here To Destroy The Planet Earth. Little To The Left.

I Was Over In Australia During Easter, Which Was Really Interesting. You Know, They Celebrate Easter The Exact Same Way We Do, Commemorating The Death And Resurrection Of Jesus By Telling Our Children That A Giant Bunny Rabbit Left Chocolate Eggs In The Night. Now I Wonder Why We're F-ked Up As A Race. I've Read The Bible. I Can't Find The Word "bunny" Or "chocolate" Anywhere In The F-king Book.

I Was Just Down In Dallas, Texas...the Assassination Museum...it's Really Accurate, You Know, 'cause Oswald's Not In It.

I Smoke To Fill The Potholes In My Soul

When You're...stepping Over A Guy On The Sidewalk...does It Ever Occur To You To Think, 'wow. Maybe Our System Doesn't Work?'

I Left In Love, In Laughter, And In Truth, And Wherever Truth, Love And Laughter Abide, I Am There In Spirit.

Revolutionary Ideas

What Kind Of People Are These With Such Low Self-esteem That They Need A War To Feel Better About Themselves?

You All Saw Him - He Had A Gun.

That's Starting To Depress Me About Ufos. The Fact That They Cross Galaxies...and Always End Up In Places Like Fyfe, Alabama.

What Are You Reading For?

Are Gun Rights Advocates Arguing That Roving Gangs...shooting Innocent Bystanders Constitutes A 'well-regulated Militia'?

How Many People Disapprove Of The Job The Conservatives Are Doing? Seventy Percent. Of Those Same People, How Many Will Vote For Them Again? ...seventy Percent. What The Fuck? Where Did They Take This Poll, At An S&m Parlor?

How Do I Know The Bible Isn't The Word Of God? Well If It Was The Word Of God It Would Be Clear And Easy To Understand...considering God Was The Creator Of Language!

...love Rather Than Fear...this Radical Philosophy Is Coming From Me, An Avowed Misanthrope...surely There Is Hope For Us All.

Why Is Marijuana Against The Law? It Grows Naturally On Our Planet, Serves A Thousand Different Functions, All Of Them Positive. To Make Marijuana Against The Law Is Like Saying That God Made A Mistake.

Marijuana: A Drug That Kills … No One – And Let's Put It In A Time Frame – Ever. Illegal.

Our Next Cold War Ought To Be With Ourselves...after All, Who Poses The Biggest Danger To The American Environment? We Do.

I've Had Seven Balls Of Light Come Off A Ufo...explain To Me Telepathically We Are All One And There's No Such Thing As Death.

Your Denial Is Beneath You, And Thanks To The Use Of Hallucinogenic Drugs, I See Through You.

....all Drugs Should Be Legal. War Is Wrong. The Rich Get Richer. The Poor Get Poorer. Thank You. I'll Be Here All Week.

I'm Glad Mushrooms Are Against The Law, Because I Took Them One Time, And You Know What Happened To Me? I Laid In A Field Of Green Grass For Four Hours Going, "my God! I Love Everything." Yeah, Now If That Isn't A Hazard To Our Country... How Are We Gonna Justify Arms Dealing When We Realize That We're All One?

And I'm Not Getting Laid! What Am I Doing Wrong?

I Can Speak For Every Guy In This Room Here Tonight. Guys, If You Could Blow Yourselves, Ladies, You'd Be In This Room Alone Right Now. Watching An Empty Stage.

I Used To Love To Call L.a. When I Lived In New York... Is That The Big One I Hear In The Background? Bye, You Lizard Scum! Bye!

I Ascribe To Mark Twain's Theory That The Last Person Who Should Be President Is The One Who Wants It The Most. The One Who Should Be Picked Is The One Who Should Be Dragged Kicking And Screaming Into The White House.

Revolutionary Ideas

Watching Television Is Like Taking Black Spray Paint To Your Third Eye.

The Eyes Of Fear Want You To Put Bigger Locks On Your Doors, Buy Guns, Close Yourself Off. The Eyes Of Love, Instead, See All Of Us As One.

Would You Let The Aliens Land, Please? They Might Be Here To Pick Me Up.

We Really Are All One....this Is The Very Philosophy That Has Kept Me Virtually Anonymous In America For Fifteen Years.

Oh--won't We Party Hard When L.a. Goes Kersplash?...l.a. Fell In The Ocean?... There Is A God. He Loves Us All So Much.

In Australia...they Celebrate Easter The Same...by Telling Our Children A Giant Bunny Rabbit...left Chocolate Eggs In The Night

I Believe We All Have The Voice Of Reason Inside Us...to Gently Lead Us Out Of Our Own Self-created Hells.

Let Me Tell You About Gays In The Military. I Don't Want Any Gay People Hanging Around Me While I'm Killing Kids. I Just Don't Want To See It.

Just One Thing I Know For Sure, Chicks Dig Jerks.

It's Not That I Disagreed With Bush's Economic Policy... I Believed He Was A Child Of Satan Here To Destroy The Planet.

I Go To Dance Clubs...about Once A Year Just To Justify The Other 364 Days I Spend In My Apartment Going 'god, What Idiots!'

I Saw...a Kid On A Leash. You Seen These People? Kid On A Leash? How Horrible. Put Him In The Pound Where He Belongs.

I'm Just Skin Covering Coffee And Some Real Nervous Teeth.

Christianity Has A Built-in Defense System: Anything That Questions A Belief, No Matter How Logical The Argument Is, Is The Work Of Satan By The Very Fact That It Makes You Question A Belief. It's A Very Interesting Defense Mechanism And The Only Way To Get By It -- And Believe Me, I Was Raised Southern Baptist -- Is To Take Massive Amounts Of Mushrooms, Sit In A Field, And Just Go, "show Me.".

You Want A Better World...? Legalize Pot Right Now. ...end The Deficit? Legalize Pot Right Now...biggest Cash Crop In America.

I Believe That God Left Certain Drugs Growing Naturally Upon Our Planet To Help Speed Up And Facilitate Our Evolution. Ok, Not The Most Popular Idea Ever Expressed. Either That Or You're All Real High And Agreeing With Me In The Only Way You Can Right Now. (starts Blinking)

If You Want To Understand A Society, Take A Good Look At The Drugs It Uses. And What Can This Tell You About American Culture? Well, Look At The Drugs We Use. Except For Pharmaceutical Poison, There Are Essentially Only Two Drugs That Western Civilization Tolerates: Caffeine From Monday To Friday To Energize You Enough To Make You A Productive Member Of Society, And Alcohol From Friday To Monday To Keep You Too Stupid To Figure Out The Prison That You Are Living In.

It Seems To Me That There Will Be A Point In Out Development Or Our Evolution Where You Put Your Guns Aside.

Children Are Smarter Than Any Of Us. Know How I Know That? I Don't Know One Child With A Full Time Job And Children.

It's All About Money, Not Freedom. If You Think You're Free, Try Going Somewhere Without Money, Okay?

The Cia Has A Plot...they've Used Before To Get Rid Of World Leaders. Only Problem...is Convincing Hussein...to Fly To Dallas.

Any Organization Created Out Of Fear Must Create Fear To Survive.

All Governments Are Lying Cocksuckers.

How Come People Always Flip And Think They're Jesus? Why Not Buddha? Particularly In America, Where More People Resemble Buddha Than Jesus. 'ah'm Buddha!' 'you're Bubba!' 'ah'm Buddha Now..all I Gotta Do Is Change 3 Letters On Ma Belt.

The Whole Image Is That Eternal Suffering Awaits Anyone Who Questions God's Infinite Love. That's The Message We're Brought Up With, Isn't It? Believe Or Die! Thank You, Forgiving Lord, For All Those Options.

Revolutionary Ideas

You Know We Armed Iraq. I Wondered About That Too, You Know During The Persian Gulf War Those Intelligence Reports Would Come Out: "iraq: Incredible Weapons - Incredible Weapons." How Do You Know That? "uh, Well... We Looked At The Receipts."

The American Dream Is A Crock. Stop Wanting Everything. Everyone Should Wear Jeans And Have Three T-shirts, Eat Rice And Beans.

[comedy] Is An Escape From Illusions. The Audience Is...thinking, 'this Bullshit We See And Hear All Day Makes No Sense.'

Why Do We Put People Who Are On Drugs In Jail? They're Sick, They're Not Criminals. Sick People Don't Get Healed In Prison. You See? It Makes No Sense.

The World's Like A Ride In A Fairground & When You Choose To Go On It You Think It's Real, That's How Powerful Our Minds Are

If I Thought The Jews Killed God, I'd Worship The Jews.

Sixteen Years I've Pounded My Head Against The Mentality Of America, Which...i'd Say It's About An 8th Grade Emotional Level.

How Dare You Have Wino Tell Me Not To Do Drugs.

...i Just Want To Be Free Of The Fears And Anxieties And The Superstitions Of Religion. An 'avenging God'? One Who Created Hell For Those Who Don't Believe? I Thought We Were The Perfect And Holy Children Of God? How Could Any Limits Possibly Be Put Upon Us? Hell.. Really? I'm Sorry, But... No. Wrong. You're Wrong. That's An Insane God And Therefore Not Mine. Because, See, God Would Be Very Sane, Don't You Get It?

Truly, The Only Stupid People I've Ever Met, The Most Absolutely Clueless, Are The Very People That Produce Television.

Be Yourself On Stage. Nobody Else Can Be You And You Have The Law Of Supply And Demand Covered.

I've Been On What I Call My Ufo Tour, Which Means, Like Ufos, I Too Have Been Appearing In Small Southern Towns In Front Of A Handful Of Hillbillies Lately.

The Best Kind Of Comedy To Me Is When You Make People Laugh At Things They've Never Laughed At, And Also Take A Light Into The Darkened Corners Of People's Minds, Exposing Them To The Light.

I Saw A Sign On The Side Of The Road In Tennessee Once That Said 'dirt For Sale'... What A Great Country We Live In. Dirt For Sale. How Would You Like To Get Inside That Guy's Mind And Look Around For A Hour? That Guy Sees Opportunity At Every Glance, Doesn't He?

They Tell Us "rock'n'roll Is The Devil's Music." Well, Let's Say We Know That Rock Is The Devil's Music, And We Know That It Is, For Sure ... At Least He F-kin' Jams! If It's A Choice Between Eternal Hell And Good Tunes, And Eternal Heaven And New Kids On The F-kin' Block ... I'm Gonna Be Surfin' On The Lake Of Fire, Rockin' Out.

I Love The Pope, I Love Seeing Him In His Pope-mobile, His Three Feet Of Bullet Proof Plexi-glass. That's Faith In Action Folks! You Know He's Got God On His Side.

I Don't Mean To Sound Bitter, Cold, Or Cruel, But I Am, So That's How It Comes Out.

I Wish I Could Meet A Christian Who Would Proselytize To Me, But They Keep Running Away From Me. I Wanna Talk To You All.

I Don't Get Along With Anything, I Really Don't...i'm, I'm, Maybe I'm Just A, You Know, Incredibly Tasteful Human Being.

Just A Simple Choice, Right Now, Between Fear And Love. The Eyes Of Fear Want You To Put Bigger Locks On Your Doors, Buy Guns, Close Yourself Off. The Eyes Of Love Instead See All Of Us As One.

All Day Long You See Those Commercials: 'here's Your Brain, Just Say No'...and The Next Commercial Is: 'this Bud's For You.'

Shut Up! Go Back To Bed, America. Your Government Is In Control. Here's Love Connection. Watch This And Get Fat And Stupid.

I Guess What Surprised Me The Most Was The Discrepancy In Casualties: Iraq, One Hundred Fifty Thousand Casualties, Usa: Seventy-nine! Let's Go Over Those Numbers Again, They're A Little Baffling At First: Iraq: 150,000, Usa: 79. Does That Mean We Could Have Won With Only 80 Guys There? Just One Guy In A Ticker-tape Parade, "i Did It! Hey!"

I've Said All That I've Had To Say.

Billy Ray Cyrus Does Not Smoke. Michael Bolton Doesn't...paula Abdul Doesn't...there Does Seem To Be A Pattern.

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